This new book in the Ask the Christian Counselor series by New Growth Press is quite specific - addressing when a spouse has been unfaithful. It is aimed at Christians, who wants to process this in light of God’s word and with a biblical framework, including concepts of forgiveness and repentance.
“As we begin our journey, we must recognize that God doesn’t promise you restoration with your spouse. He only promises to be with you as a Christian—to help you know, follow, love, and enjoy him, however your spouse chooses to behave.”Jones recommends reading it through first to get the big picture, and then turn to consider personal application. He also strongly recommends both counselling and pastoral care, and a group of supporters who will walk this road with you.
I’ll outline each section in brief:
1. Moving forward with God-given hope, which means recognising the hope that we do and do not have. So, we do not expect God to remove troubled feelings, for the Lord to restore the marriage, or to undo the consequences of a spouse’s sin. We can however hope in “the triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit [who] promises to be with you, watch over you, and walk with you through the entire aftermath of your spouse’s infidelity.”
2. Identifying your hardships and temptations. This encourages exploration of what has happened through a biblical lens, including the various emotions one might be feeling (e.g., confusion, despair, anger, jealousy, regret, shame, vindication or freedom). There is encouragement to pay attention to your own response (e.g. beware of bitterness, vengeance, rash decisions, gossip, cynicism, etc.)
3. Drawing near to your gracious, compassionate God. Believing that God is present to help you, trust that he hears you when you cry out, and to recognise your core identity is as his beloved child (not as someone’s spouse).
“My brother or sister in Christ, God has not abandoned you just because your spouse did. God is with you amid your marital crisis. He is ever-present, always available, on call. He is your refuge, strength, and fortress. He stands by your side. Begin your path by striving to believe this.”4. Humbly responding to God - seek to obey God, embrace his purpose in your suffering. Here Jones includes seven ways God uses hardship to make us more like Jesus - which have much broader application than this book’s topic:
- to enhance our relationship with him,
- to help us experience Christ’s sufferings,
- to expose our remaining sin,
- to engage us in the body of Christ,
- to exhibit Christ’s work in us,
- to equip us for wiser more compassionate ministry, and
- to elevate our eyes longing for Christ’s return.
6. Responding wisely to your spouse’s decision - which will depend on whether they repent or not. His options seem to be: if they repent - you commit to rebuilding your marriage, if they do not - you demonstrate Christ-like love and mercy. He addresses separation and divorce, suggesting separation is probably necessary for a season, and divorce is an option, especially if they are unrepentant.
Sections 5 & 6 raised some issues - mainly because they are such large, complicated and individual circumstances and this approach, by virtue of being short, seemed to leave some gaps in terms of the reality of dealing with this. I’m not sure that one’s response will be entirely dependent on what their spouse does and whether they are repentant. The wronged spouse has more agency than just waiting to see how the other acts. There is also a brief reference to ‘make’up’ sex which trivialises the deep pain and significant healing that would need to occur before intimacy is considered.
The Gottman Institute has some helpful (secular) research and therapy for couples experiencing infidelity. They suggest that a spouse that has been cheated on is often found to have symptoms of PTSD). They also note that at the point of an affair marriage #1 is over, it’s now up to the couple to decide whether to proceed with what will become marriage #2. They also note the important of rebuilding trust and hope. Jones takes it further (noting this is not a promise):
“Jesus can not only restore your marriage but make it stronger than it was before. We don’t want to merely revert to the pre-infidelity state of your marriage. In Christ, God provides something better. Here’s why: Our God delights in making broken things better than they were.”In this book, Jones has explored the need for grace, mercy, repentance and forgiveness after adultery - not just between partners, but also with God and with ourselves, with the overall goal being maturity in Christ, whatever happens with the marriage.
I was given a ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
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