Caring for Families Caught in Domestic Abuse

Caring for Families Caught in Domestic Abuse: A Guide Towards Protection, Refuge and Hope, Chris Moles (ed) (New Growth Press, 2023) 

This is another excellent resource, but one we all wish didn’t need to exist. Sadly, the stain of domestic abuse (or intimate partner violence, or family violence) spreads throughout families, and Christian homes are not untouched.

It is edited by Chris Moles, who is a pastor, biblical counsellor, and works with perpetrators. He has brought together very experienced people in this field, providing a guide to care for families caught in domestic violence.

“My hope is that this book will help pastors, elders, deacons, counselors, and other church leaders move toward greater unity in how they respond to domestic abuse, and thereby prevent or lessen some of the potential conflicts and missteps.”

I am not going to write a detailed review. It’s something that needs considered reading and thought, and my summary won’t do it justice. Responding to domestic violence is a specific ministry area and one that requires skills, training, time, and energy. I suspect that few of my readers or their churches will get deeply involved in this space in a structured way. Not for lack of desire or a belief that it’s unimportant, but due to lack of skills, training, and resource allocation. However, it’s so important that I want to flag this book’s existence for those for whom it may be helpful.

I will provide some summary points and some quotes:

Regarding the church:

“My prayer is that the church of Jesus Christ will be the safest place on the planet for women and children. I pray that the church will lead the way in not only providing compassionate care, but also in developing best practices to address the needs of victims and confront the abusers. We represent an army of responders who can effectively, graciously, compassionately, and firmly confront the evil of domestic abuse. As we do so, we will simultaneously promote healthy, God-honoring relationships.” (Chris Moles)

A church needs to consider what they can offer with the resourcing they have. This is not an area that you can partially help in, you really need to be there for the family for the long-term.

“My desire is … to encourage you undershepherds as you seek to minister in a complex, confusing, time-consuming, and redemptive ministry. I want to help you think through how to address domestic abuse in your church in a biblically faithful, organizationally sustainable, and practically helpful way.” (Kïrsten Christianson)

They propose a team-based approach to domestic abuse, requiring numerous people (e.g., victim counsellor, crisis counsellor, victim advocate, perpetrator counselor, pastor). My overwhelmed thought was: this is a massive undertaking for a church. Of course, worthwhile and needed, but I don’t know many churches who could even attempt to do this well (knowledgeably and skilfully) with one couple, let alone numerous couples.

Caring for survivors:

Is long term care, needing awareness of the impact of trauma.

It was openly acknowledged that this is “likely the most complex and difficult problem most counselors will ever face” (Joy Forrest). Few women realise they are experiencing abuse, and abusers are often charming, confident and convincing.

Confronting and counselling abusers: 

The most important rule of engagement - safety - the victim must give consent and advice. This would be an area where churches need to be very careful, for the increased risk if this goes wrong can be devastating.

“One way of thinking about abuse relative to other relational sin is to say that most relational sin is competitive, while abuse is parasitic or predatory.” (Greg Wilson) Relational is me before you, abuse is me over you.

“Working with abusive people often feels a bit like the work of Jeremiah or Isaiah—you care in grace and truth as well as you can, but in the end there is a high likelihood that they will reject you and/or your message.” (Greg Wilson)

There is a helpful chapter about how to discern true repentance (godly sorrow, not worldly sorrow).

Impact on children:

Two initial priorities for working with children who have lived or are living in homes with domestic abuse:

• determine whether they blame themselves 
• discover how the distress impacts them and what coping strategies they employ. 

“Several factors can influence the severity of the impacts (age, socioeconomic status, birth order, frequency and form of abuse, duration of exposure, existence of supportive relationships, and cultural beliefs). Generally, preschool-aged children tend to have physical and anxiety-based symptoms. School-age children tend to show stress along behavioral and emotional dimensions, and teenagers tend to be at risk of seeking relief destructively (drugs, sexual activity, running away).” (Darby Strickland)

Appendices include a safety plan and basic abuse screening questions (a much more comprehensive list is in Darby Strickland’s Is It Abuse?)

A very worthwhile resource for anyone in Christian churches who is counselling or working with families affected by domestic violence, or looking to establish a ministry to do so.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.