What is a friend? Is it someone who gets you, that you can hang out with easily, and who shares the same interests? That is a good friend. However, in No Greater Love, Rebecca McLaughlin suggests that Christian friendship is so much more. It is anchored in Christ, is missional, and can be extended to many. At the same time, close friendships will refresh, restore and challenge us, so that we can continue to serve Jesus more broadly in his world.
Basing the biblical study in the New Testament, McLaughlin focuses both on Jesus’ expressions of friendship and how it is shown in the early Christian community through the epistles. We act in love towards everyone, but we also share deeper relationships and more time with some. We can see this in Jesus’ life. He spoke of loving your neighbour and loving your enemy, and he both taught and modelled what that could look like. He also gathered friends around him (his disciples and other followers) with whom he shared life and ministry. He said that true friends would lay down their lives for each other, showing that true friendship in Jesus is sacrificial (John 15:13). Even within that group, it could be argued that Peter, James and John were his closest friends. Of course, his friends failed and deserted him, but Jesus’ forgiveness and understanding of their weaknesses acts as a model to us.
When we read the New Testament letters, it is clear that the authors had beloved partners in the gospel and dear friends (e.g., Rom 16:1-16, Philemon 1, 3 John 1). McLaughlin suggests that our closest friendships should not be about shared desire for time and fun together, but rather be gospel-spreading partnerships, where we spur one another on, have each other’s backs and care for each other in our pain. Many have experienced deep friendships with others because of shared mission or ministry service together.
I appreciated the reminder here that therefore, “we must be willing to express our deep attachment to beloved friends while also being willing to support them in the work God puts before them - even if it takes them away from us” (p. 61) This puts into words the deep sadness when ministry-minded friends leave, yet concurrent joy about their new path.
McLaughlin challenges the concept of the inner circle of friendships, ones that exclude others, in two ways. The first is that as Christians we turn towards those who are left out. We use the energy we gain from the close friendships that refresh us, to enable us to continue to welcome the lonely and unloved. The second is to consider relationships that care for others and their needs as chain mail (armour), rather than concentric circles. In this analogy, everyone is connected to numerous other people, and all are connected through each other. I found this idea incredibly freeing, for in a Christian community, I do not have to (nor can I ) meet the needs of all around me, but together we can make sure that everyone is included.
True friendship is that which encourages us, pushes us, and corrects us:
“Friends need to know us well enough to be gentle in the places where we need gentleness and to challenge us in the places where we need correction.” (93)
“Delightfully in God's great kindness Christian friendship isn't just a diagnostic tool – it's also therapeutic. I don't just need my friends to tell me when I need to walk away from sin. I also need their arms around me when I've made that turn.” (96)Some diagnostic questions throughout were very helpful. Do I encourage and exhort my friends: in their walk with God, in their marriage or singleness, as parents, in their workplaces, and their evangelism? Do we spur each other on, or pull each other back?
McLaughlin then explores how the differences between marriage and friendship make them vital to the health of both. There is a great chapter on male and female friendships, which addresses the challenges and opportunities they present, as well as single-sex friendships for those who are same-sex attracted. There was wise counsel here, with an awareness of individual preferences and personalities and ways to approach all friendships with sensible boundaries. In the end, whoever we are, we seek to love others with a sibling bond, caring for them and honouring them: “It’s vital as believers that we know ourselves and one another well enough to know what true love looks like in a friendship – whether with a man or with a woman” (130).
When considering friendship with non-Christians, McLaughlin encourages hospitality, and attentive listening in areas that we disagree, for “they may be just as well-thought-out and driven by desire for good as we are” (133). While we will not worship their god/gods or expect them to live by Christian ethics, we can put aside our cultural differences, try to understand, and show love. Ultimately, we also long for them to love Jesus.
I only had a few minor quibbles. For me, there were too many Lord of the Rings references, and perhaps a few too many illustrations that weren’t essential to the point. This is very minor though. Overall, McLaughlin has very helpfully laid out a framework of Christian friendship that allows us to assess our current friendships, as well as to strive for friendships that are gospel-focused as they seek to love, encourage, and challenge one another.