Two Steps Forward

I have recently enjoyed two books co-authored by husband and wife team Graeme Simsion and Anne Buist. I was already familiar with Simsion’s writing in the very enjoyable Rosie Project trilogy.

Zoe, an artist from California and Martin, an engineer from Yorkshire both find themselves in Cluny, France. One’s spouse has died and the other has experienced a messy divorce. Each decides to walk the Camino to Santiago solo, yet they cross paths, with numerous other pilgrims along the way.

It’s told from each character’s perspective in alternating chapters, and slowly their stories are revealed. Simison and Buist have walked the trail, and their insight and knowledge are woven throughout, including the occasional reference to the Martin Sheen movie, The Way. There are ups and downs, laughter and grief, and all up, it’s a lovely story.

I was pleased to discover that there is a sequel, Two Steps Onwards, set three years later, where many of the same group walk the Chemin d’Assise and Via Franicgena from rural France to Rome.

They have a new book out this year, The Glass House, I look forward to trying that as well. 

Reaching Your Child's Heart

Reaching Your Child’s Heart, Juan and Jeanine Sanchez (New Growth Press, 2024) 

This is a good book for Christian parents who seek encouragement and advice as they raise their children to know Jesus. The Sanchezs write with humility and grace, hoping to pass on their wisdom learned in raising five daughters.

Each chapter starts with an overarching principle, helpfully defining the content, which incorporates a biblical framework and suggestions on how it might look, without being too prescriptive. Each chapter finishes with questions to apply it to your situation.

The overarching goal is that we should have the same aim as God does: 

“Our desire for our children should be the same as God’s: that they would be children who reflect God’s image and display his glory in all they think, say, and do."

But we need to remember the reality of sin: 

“One of the greatest dangers in parenting is the temptation to settle for well-behaved children who don’t see a need for Christ’s redeeming love. We are parenting children born in sin, and they need to be rescued out of the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the kingdom of God’s Son, just as we were (Colossians 1:13–14).”

As we parent, we remember that our parental direction naturally gives way to personal responsibility as they mature. “In other words, when your children are young, you will provide clear and firm direction, but as they grow in wisdom and experience, you will free them to be responsible for their choices.” Not enough parenting resources stress this essential transition.

There is a strong encouragement to pray and be examples for our children to follow, in areas of personal devotion, personal holiness, having hard conversations and seeking forgiveness. They encourage setting biblical parenting goals to reach biblical goals, with lots of practical ideas of how this may look as we read God’s word and model Christ in our daily lives. 

“God does not expect us to be perfect parents. They have a perfect Father in heaven, and they have a perfect Savior in Jesus. What they need from us is to be humble, repentant, faithful, and godly parents.”

The chapter on discipline is the one many parents will turn to for guidance. It is structured around three principles: prioritise positive instruction (teaching about appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and their consequences), shepherd their hearts, and practice corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is broken down into: gentle exhortation, gentle rebuke, and chastisement.

And here is my one major issue with this book. Chastisement is an all-encompassing term they use for punishment, which while defined broadly and with numerous caveats, clearly includes spanking. They are careful to lay out numerous conditions: it should not hurt, must be done in context appropriate for the child, and so on. However, using the term chastisement actually makes it much less clear - what are they really talking about? When they later say (for 13+) that chastisement is no longer appropriate, it appears they are talking about physical punishment, because other options may still be appropriate. It’s confusing, but more so, spanking is contentious (rightly so) and rarely achieves its stated goals. I had concerns with this in Shepherding a Child’s Heart years ago, and this book raises some of the same issues such as how Proverbs has been interpreted, and my lack of conviction that hitting a child changes their heart, let alone it being considered inappropriate (and in some cases, illegal) today. (Without these concerns, this book would have been fantastic and very highly recommended).

The final three chapters explore the different stages of parenting children aged 0-5, 6-12, and 13+. These are helpful, practical, and detailed, with the encouragement that laying a strong foundation early makes a massive difference later. I appreciated their positivity about how enjoyable the teen years can be.

They finish with three things to remember:

• “Your parenting will neither save your children, nor will it condemn them to hell 
• Your children don’t need perfect parents who have it all figured out. They need humble, faithful, and repentant parents who continually point them to Christ. 
• Let your home be characterized by joy, encouragement, grace, truth, and, yes, fun!” 

Overall, this has many helpful encouragements and suggestions for Christian parents. 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, Nancy Guthrie (Tyndale, 2009) 

This book is for someone experiencing grief, loss or pain, yet wants to hear Jesus’ words in their situation. Guthrie writes from her personal experience of losing two children in infancy. Amid her grief, she also recognised that Jesus was the one she turned to, realising like Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68). Yet, she could also see how others might reject him: 

“I could relate to those in the story who found some of Jesus’ words, difficult to understand and accept, and simply walked away. Perhaps you can too, as you have struggled to reconcile your understanding of what you’ve read about in the Bible, and your expectations of how God cares for those he loves, with your own difficult reality.” (xv)

In this book, she applies Jesus’ words in the gospels to those who hurt - both words of comfort and those that are harder to hear. Each chapter explores something Jesus said and what that means for us. Some examples are: 

• I too have known overwhelming sorrow (Matthew 26:38). Jesus understands the crushing weight and agonising loneliness of grief. 

• I, too, have heard God tell me no (Matthew 26:39). Jesus shows us what to do when God doesn’t give us what we want. 

“Faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want, it is measured by our willingness to submit to what he wants. (19)

• I am willing to heal your deadliest disease - sin. (Mark 1:41). The challenge here is that if we are only after physical healing, we don’t think our sin is significant. 

“Jesus did not die on the cross to give you a certain number of days of health on this earth, but to fit you, body and soul, for eternity in a new heaven and a new earth.” (37)

• I will save you from yourself (Matthew 16:23). Jesus saves us from a wasted life of always trying to get our own way. This chapter challenges us to confront why we think we should be exempt from pain and suffering. 

• I have a purpose in your pain (John 9:3). Jesus gives us insight when we ask “why?” I appreciated her observation that people blame God when something bad happens, but actually we should be blaming sin. 

Other chapters focus on being empowered to forgive others, that God gives us grace in our weakness, and that death is not the end of life. We will grieve differently from those with no hope. Not less, but differently.

She finishes with the comforting truth that Jesus opens his arms to us and gives us rest (Matt 1:28).

Some books are about understanding grief and loss. This book is about experiencing grief and loss, and holding on to Jesus in the midst of it.

7 Myths about Singleness

7 Myths about Singleness, Sam Allberry (Crossway, 2019)

Sometimes when I write a review, I want to say: “Just read it”. This is one of those times.

This is a great book for everyone - single and married alike. Allberry notes we are in an era where marriage is held up as the model for Christians. That it somehow signifies completeness, maturity, and having made it. Singleness therefore is seen as deficient, lesser, and a second prize.

We forget that it hasn’t always been like this. Jesus was single - and in no way deficient or incomplete as a human. The apostle Paul presented lofty views of marriage as a symbol of Christ and the church (Eph 5), yet still suggested singleness was preferable (1 Cor 7). In past times, being single to serve Christ was an honourable choice.

Allberry’s purpose is to show again the inherent goodness of singleness. (He defines singleness as being unmarried and committed to sexual abstinence). It is not bad to be single, rather it is valuable and good. He does so by working through seven myths: 

1. Singleness is too hard. One element of this is the perception that celibacy is too much to ask, yet sexual expression does not define our humanity. Allberry points out that marriage is also difficult. 1 Cor 7 argues that married life is more complicated, and singleness is more straightforward. 
2. Singleness requires a special calling. This pushes back on the idea that the gift of singleness is given to some, and you need that special power to cope with being single. 
3. Singleness means no intimacy. Great comments on friendships and their many benefits. Our culture has so raised the idea of romantic love to be the ideal form of expression, that we are unable to see the value of deep, close, intimate, yet non-sexual friendships. 
4. Singleness means no family. As Christians, the nuclear family does not have precedence over the larger family of God. Allberry shares many stories of how he has been part of families’ lives, providing the reader with many practical ideas. 
5. Singleness hinders ministry. Rather, there are benefits of being single in ministry, including more flexibility and responsiveness. At the same time, he acknowledges the costs, such as the time needed to run a household on your own. For those who think their single pastor cannot speak into their family life, he counters that pastors do not need to experience a life situation to be able to speak from God’s word about it. 
6. Singleness wastes your sexuality. This returns to some of the ideas of chapter 1. The ongoing feeling of restlessness and longing for more can point us to our creator God and the reality of the gospel in fulfilling every need. “If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.” 
7. Singleness is easy. Having taken six chapters to explore the benefits of singleness, this speaks honestly about the pain of being single and acknowledges that it can be very hard. For those who struggle, this gives voice to their pain.

Allberry is balanced throughout. This is not a book that upholds singleness at the expense of marriage. Both are honoured, valued, and esteemed. I appreciated his conclusion. Yes, singleness is good. But, really the main point is that God is good, and we can trust him to care for us and be with us, whatever our relational situation.

Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus

Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus, Nancy Guthrie (Crossway, 2020)

After hearing Nancy Guthrie give an excellent seminar recently, I grabbed a few more of her books. I have always enjoyed her writing, and have reviewed some books before (on grief, on praying for your children, and on biblical theology). Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus is another one in the biblical theology realm.

Each chapter considers someone in the biblical accounts who interacted with Jesus - both those who came to love him and serve him, and those who turned away from him. From there, Guthrie encourages the reader to think how they too might react to Jesus and respond to his call on their life.

Every chapter is like a sermon, and as such was engaging, easy to read, and very applicable. At the same time, it was biblically saturated and drew links from the Old Testament through to Jesus, providing connections that might otherwise have been missed.

Some of the ‘saints’ and ’scoundrels’ are: John the Baptist, Jesus’ family, Peter, the Pharisees, Zaccheus, Judas, Stephen, and Paul. Each brought out a different aspect of following Jesus and what it means today. While I learned from them all, some stood out: 

1. Jesus family. Exploring his family line, his parents and his siblings, Guthrie posits that the family of Jesus is made of people from less respectable backgrounds, who have a less than complete understanding of who he is, and whose belief in Jesus is better later than never. It’s a comforting encouragement to those who think they could never measure up and an assurance that they don’t have to. 
2. Peter. This was a more balanced and nuanced take on Peter than we sometimes get. She compared Peter in the gospels with Peter in the letters, to show how God works change in people’s lives. 
3. The Pharisees and Nicodemus. This contained helpful cultural explanations and powerful observations. Have you ever stopped to think what it meant physically and emotionally for Nicodemus (and Joseph) to take Jesus’ body off the cross and to the tomb? 

The real strength of this book is the way Guthrie applies biblical theology to each story, giving it more meaning, deeper context, and more appropriate application. What’s interesting is the wide range of people this book is suitable for. It would introduce new believers or inquirers to Jesus and how he changes lives. It would help established Christians to see links across the biblical accounts that they might have missed. It brings fullness to the story of Jesus and our understanding of him. I learnt a lot and appreciated how Guthrie drew threads together that I had not previously seen. Highly recommended.

Home Work

Home Work: Essays on love and housekeeping, Helen Hayward (Puncher and Wattman, 2023) 

Home Work by Helen Hayward was a highlight of my recent reading. It is a gentle stroll through the unfolding years of her life, as she ponders what it means to care about her home, her household, and how it runs.

She outlines her early adult years, leaving Adelaide for London, and establishing a career. She struggled with the tension of enjoying a well-kept, inviting home with the reality and business of work and commitments: 

“And even while my thoughts were focused on my career, in my heart – a place I didn't often go – I never doubted that there was an art to running a home and that it was a worthwhile thing to do.”

Upon marriage and the subsequent arrival of children, the question of maintaining the home became front and centre: 

“From day one of motherhood, the emotional, imaginative and physical work of looking after my baby and home felt demanding. I felt I had no choice but to stay on top of household tasks…Cooking, organising, errands, shopping and cleaning became urgent. My life may not have depended on them but my sanity and well-being did.”

The family returned to Australia settling first in Melbourne and then in Tasmania. As Hayward’s mother got older and began questioning whether her life (spent at home with a focus on child-raising and volunteering) had value, Hayward was asking her own similar questions: 

“Was it possible to find meaning and satisfaction in housekeeping? And did this have something important to teach us about life itself? Eventually these questions snowballed into one giant question. Was our home work essential to living a good life or did it take away from it?”

What I really appreciated about this book was its tone. Hayward tells her story gently and honestly. She  doesn’t force her choices on you. She just shares her thinking, and perhaps others will find something in it for them.

She isn’t starry-eyed about the realities of managing a home: 

“Daydreaming about what family life might be like was easy in my early 30s. Housekeeping for the family that I went onto to have, as the years galloped by, was more challenging and time-consuming than I'd ever imagined.”

“What I do know, and do have words for, it's just how much love and effort it requires to keep up a warm and attractive home, especially with a family at the middle of it.”

Yet, there was a recognition of what was learnt in the process: 

“Being a mother of small children forced me into a self-reliance I had not known I was capable of.”

“What I didn't understand back then, what I couldn't fathom in my pigheaded adolescence, was the extent to which loving someone is to look after them. Aged sixteen I refuse to accept, it was incomprehensible to me, that loving someone is inseparable from caring for them practically, emotionally, and soulfully.”

She concludes that the reason that you maintain a home is mainly to love the people in it. 

“It's a daily expression of my willingness to do things that I don't really care about, for the sake of something bigger that I really do care about. For me, these big things are love and beauty. The kind of love that I've stumbled on goes beyond family, to everyone I care about. It extends to everyone I know who is in the throes of doing this difficult thing called life.”

Much of what Hayward shares echoes my own thinking in this area. I suspect she is only 5-10 years older than me and her story has many similarities. I have also chosen to be the primary person at home, managing the household for 25 years. This doesn’t mean there isn’t another focus elsewhere - Hayward was in paid employment for many years, and I have given much time to unpaid ministry. While I might be initially be tempted not to think of myself as very “homemakery”, when I think back over the years, I realise I have taught myself how to do basic home maintenance, clean gutters, change doorknobs, make bread, cook, paint a room, make jam, sew curtains, and so on. The things that keep a house going.

Like many, I have found there is both a tediousness to the never-ending cycle of cleaning, washing and cooking. Yet, there is also a sense of satisfaction in maintaining a welcoming home, where everyone is fed and clean, and where things work. And even more so - when others are served and loved by your actions.

This is what I appreciated about this book. It made me recall and reflect again on why I have chosen the path I have.

Whalefall

Whalefall, Daniel Kraus 

This was a fascinating story. 17-year-old scuba diver Jay has given himself the task of finding his estranged father’s body at sea. Partly to ease his mother’s and sister’s grief and partly to assuage his own guilt. Heading out into the deep off the coast of California, a startling interaction with a giant squid soon turns to terror as a giant sperm whale arrives to feed, accidentally including Jay in its enormous mouthful. Swallowed fully into the first of the whale’s four stomachs with only an hour of air remaining, is it even possible for Jay to escape? 

It seems ridiculous and completely farfetched, yet at the same time, almost possible. Kraus has researched all aspects extensively and tried to write a book about something that could actually happen. 

Interwoven with the present challenges of biology, chemistry, and whale physiology, is Jay's psychological turmoil and memories. The story switches back and forth, with the chapters named by the numbers counting down on his air supply (1306PSI), and his memories of his father over the years (2014, 2008, etc). Reading it now as a newly published book is ideal, because 2014 is indeed 10 years earlier in Jay’s life - so it feels even more real.

This was a gripping read, I couldn’t put it down, and I genuinely wasn’t sure how it would end. Interesting, enjoyable, and thought-provoking.

Fight Right

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, Julie & John Gottman (Penguin, 2024)

For over fifty years, John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and using their discoveries to develop books and tools to help couples grow their relationships.

Earlier books, such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  and Eight Dates cover multiple aspects of relationships - friendship, conflict, communication, sex, hopes & dreams, and so on. This great new book, Fight Right, focuses on conflict, particularly the conflicts that couples get stuck in. If you are familiar with the Gottman’s work and materials, none of it will be particularly new, but the re-presentation of it structured around conflict is very helpful.

I particularly liked their focus on conflict being a way to connection: 

“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection.” (p9)

There is a recognition that every relationship contains conflict, for all couples will fight in some way or another. It’s how to do it that matters: 

“When we fight, we should be trying to create something better. That’s the ultimate goal of conflict: to create something better for yourself, for you and your partner as a couple, and for the world.“ (p 17).

The first section explores conflict itself - why we fight, how we fight, and what we fight about. In the end, we fight because we are two different people with different personalities, desires, goals, hopes and dreams. As Christians, I think we would add that we also fight because we are two sinners living together, we can be self-centred and unwilling to serve each other.

They explore different conflict styles in a relationship - avoidant, validating and volatile. While the categorisations were helpful, I didn’t see myself clearly defined by any of them. I could see overlap and bits of each. I’m not sure this mattered that much though, because they suggest that your conflict style is less important when compared to how you fight. Their research indicates that you need a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in conflict (and much more positive overall in your relationship).

They see a conflict as a bid for connection. It’s an attempt to bridge the gap when something is wrong between you. They suggest that the common denominator in every fight that goes wrong is dismissing our partner’s negative emotions, rather than being willing to explore them. Ideally, we want to approach each other with curiosity over what is happening, rather than hostility. 

“When we choose someone for life, in addition to choosing someone to love, we’re choosing a set of forever conflicts, points of friction that will always heat up from time to time and sometimes maybe start a little fire. There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with the points of conflict - to accept that they are there and approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.” (94)

This book is aimed at couples willing to work on their marriage. However, they say three circumstances are usually dealbreakers: abuse, refusal to seek help for addiction, and differences around having children. While the warnings about abuse are present, they are a little limited. I was surprised they didn’t add ongoing infidelity to this list. Elsewhere they have identified this as a contra-indication to successful couples counselling.* 

The second section explores the five fights everyone has, and how to do them better:

1. The harsh-start up. The first 3 minutes of a fight are critical to how it goes. They suggest a different way: I feel x, the problem is y, I need z. It’s about you, not the other person. 
2. Attacking, withdrawing, defending and flooding. We need to solve the moment, not the fight. Here they talk more about expressing needs, and repair attempts mid-fight. 
3. Staying shallow - not addressing the real issue underneath. We must understand what is really going on before we can seek to deal with it. 
4. Competing to win, rather than being flexible together and trying to find a way forward. 
5. Stewing about past fights. Unresolved conflicts fester, so a way is provided to process unresolved past arguments and explore what happened. 

This book gives couples some of the same tools that a Gottman-accredited therapist would use. Seeing a therapist together is still a great idea, especially for couples struggling in conflict gridlock. However, this is a great option for couples who want to try on their own or have circumstances that make it difficult to see a therapist. It requires both of you to be fully committed to the process. If that’s the case, I see much benefit for couples that apply the principles here.

The book is probably a little longer than it needed to be. However, some will appreciate knowing what their research found and what their methods are based on. The numerous illustrations and examples sprinkled throughout will help many to grasp and implement the suggestions. It’s a secular book, so those who want a Christian framework need to look elsewhere. I would have appreciated a bit more detail about what forgiveness can look like within a relationship. However, this is still some of the best research-backed work in the field. I like the Gottmans’ style. They are realistic and they offer hope. 

“Our conflicts are endless mirrors of our deeper humanity. They compel us to see and accept the full complex humanity of our partner – both the wonderful parts and the deeply human flaws. That means accepting their vulnerabilities, their baggage, their trauma, and their weaknesses - all the nuances that create the whole individual, the heart and soul, of this person you fell in love with.” (p. 298)

*10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman (Norton & Co, 2015)

True Friendship

True Friendship, Vaughan Roberts (10 Publishing, 2013)

You may have noticed I’ve read a few books about friendship recently, and I think this one is probably the best. It’s straight to the point, clear and direct with solid suggestions and implications, all while being Christ-focussed and God honouring.

Roberts says that true friendship is crucial - we all need it - and it is close. If you are married, your spouse should be your best friend. But all of us should have truly close friends. It is also constant - we should challenge ourselves by asking “what kind of friend am I?”, rather than “who will be my friend?” or “where are my friends?” Are we the person they would turn to in a time of need? Close friendships require four things: for us to be selective, open, interested, and committed. It takes time and energy to grow and maintain friendships.

True friendship is also candid. Not only are we to be honest with others, but we are to allow others to be honest with us - including inviting challenge and rebuke. I appreciated his warning to those who are in Christian leadership - ensure you have some people around you who are willing to speak honestly to you about your faults and failings. It takes grace to respond to criticism, and Roberts suggests: expect it, examine it, and then endure it. Counter to this, true friendship is also careful. We are gentle and speak with love to each other as we walk together. I appreciated the included wisdom from Gordon MacDonald that while I want friendships where I can be myself, I also want to be encouraged to be better than myself, growing in Christ-likeness. Finally, true friendship is Christ-centred. In the end, our desires for friendships will never be met fully on earth. But they are met in Christ.

At under 90 pages, it’s quick to read and I got a lot out of it. There is much wisdom expressed very succinctly. Taking more time over it, talking through it with someone, or exploring the discussion questions at the end of each chapter would provide even more benefit.

No Greater Love

No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship, Rebecca McLaughlin (Moody, 2023)

What is a friend? Is it someone who gets you, that you can hang out with easily, and who shares the same interests? That is a good friend. However, in No Greater Love, Rebecca McLaughlin suggests that Christian friendship is so much more. It is anchored in Christ, is missional, and can be extended to many. At the same time, close friendships will refresh, restore and challenge us, so that we can continue to serve Jesus more broadly in his world.

Basing the biblical study in the New Testament, McLaughlin focuses both on Jesus’ expressions of friendship and how it is shown in the early Christian community through the epistles. We act in love towards everyone, but we also share deeper relationships and more time with some. We can see this in Jesus’ life. He spoke of loving your neighbour and loving your enemy, and he both taught and modelled what that could look like. He also gathered friends around him (his disciples and other followers) with whom he shared life and ministry. He said that true friends would lay down their lives for each other, showing that true friendship in Jesus is sacrificial (John 15:13). Even within that group, it could be argued that Peter, James and John were his closest friends. Of course, his friends failed and deserted him, but Jesus’ forgiveness and understanding of their weaknesses acts as a model to us.

When we read the New Testament letters, it is clear that the authors had beloved partners in the gospel and dear friends (e.g., Rom 16:1-16, Philemon 1, 3 John 1). McLaughlin suggests that our closest friendships should not be about shared desire for time and fun together, but rather be gospel-spreading partnerships, where we spur one another on, have each other’s backs and care for each other in our pain. Many have experienced deep friendships with others because of shared mission or ministry service together.

I appreciated the reminder here that therefore, “we must be willing to express our deep attachment to beloved friends while also being willing to support them in the work God puts before them - even if it takes them away from us” (p. 61) This puts into words the deep sadness when ministry-minded friends leave, yet concurrent joy about their new path.

McLaughlin challenges the concept of the inner circle of friendships, ones that exclude others, in two ways. The first is that as Christians we turn towards those who are left out. We use the energy we gain from the close friendships that refresh us, to enable us to continue to welcome the lonely and unloved. The second is to consider relationships that care for others and their needs as chain mail (armour), rather than concentric circles. In this analogy, everyone is connected to numerous other people, and all are connected through each other. I found this idea incredibly freeing, for in a Christian community, I do not have to (nor can I ) meet the needs of all around me, but together we can make sure that everyone is included.

True friendship is that which encourages us, pushes us, and corrects us: 

“Friends need to know us well enough to be gentle in the places where we need gentleness and to challenge us in the places where we need correction.” (93)

“Delightfully in God's great kindness Christian friendship isn't just a diagnostic tool – it's also therapeutic. I don't just need my friends to tell me when I need to walk away from sin. I also need their arms around me when I've made that turn.” (96)

Some diagnostic questions throughout were very helpful. Do I encourage and exhort my friends: in their walk with God, in their marriage or singleness, as parents, in their workplaces, and their evangelism? Do we spur each other on, or pull each other back?

McLaughlin then explores how the differences between marriage and friendship make them vital to the health of both. There is a great chapter on male and female friendships, which addresses the challenges and opportunities they present, as well as single-sex friendships for those who are same-sex attracted. There was wise counsel here, with an awareness of individual preferences and personalities and ways to approach all friendships with sensible boundaries. In the end, whoever we are, we seek to love others with a sibling bond, caring for them and honouring them: “It’s vital as believers that we know ourselves and one another well enough to know what true love looks like in a friendship – whether with a man or with a woman” (130). 

When considering friendship with non-Christians, McLaughlin encourages hospitality, and attentive listening in areas that we disagree, for “they may be just as well-thought-out and driven by desire for good as we are” (133). While we will not worship their god/gods or expect them to live by Christian ethics, we can put aside our cultural differences, try to understand, and show love. Ultimately, we also long for them to love Jesus.

I only had a few minor quibbles. For me, there were too many Lord of the Rings references, and perhaps a few too many illustrations that weren’t essential to the point. This is very minor though. Overall, McLaughlin has very helpfully laid out a framework of Christian friendship that allows us to assess our current friendships, as well as to strive for friendships that are gospel-focused as they seek to love, encourage, and challenge one another.

Just Be Honest

Just Be Honest: How to Worship through Tears and Pray without Pretending, Clint Watkins (Good Book Company, 2024)

When suffering or deep pain strikes, how do you respond? Or, more to the point, how do you think you should respond as a Christian?

For many, we suspect we are supposed to push on, finding ways to rejoice and be thankful. We think we’re meant to declare God’s goodness and sovereignty, but in this awful situation we can’t see how God is good or could allow this to happen. We feel we should pray polite prayers for God to help us, yet our hearts are crying out, “Why me, God?” We gather with God’s people and sing triumphant choruses, but our souls are aching, wondering why there are no words to express the pain of this dark valley. Church can be a hard place to be, for “spiritual positivity dominates the landscape” and people “wrap up their stories of suffering with lessons and silver linings” (17).

Grief. Loss. Pain. Heartache. Despair. Are we allowed to express such emotions? In Just Be Honest, Clint Watkins asked these same questions amid the searing pain of losing his infant son, Eli:

I’ve never had such intense conflict with the Lord in that season. I still believed he was sovereign and good. But his good promises felt hollow and his sovereign plan seemed harsh … how could I find refuge in the one who had the power to heal my son, but chose not to? It was not well with my soul. (16)

He invites us to rediscover the language and practice of lament, which “was how sufferers in the Bible struggled in their tension between their pain and God’s promises” (18). Scripture is full of people who struggle with depression, despair and doubt, and bring their questions and uncertainties to the Lord. Think of Hannah praying bitterly over her infertility (1 Sam 1:10), Mary accusing Jesus of not saving Lazarus (Jn 11:32), or Paul’s unceasing anguish for others (Rom 9:2). Lamentations is the corporate grief of a nation in exile. Many Psalms detail the pain of their authors and their complaints to God (Psalm 13:1; 55:2; 142:2).

Jesus Knows Pain

Even more than the model of the saints in Scripture, we have the model of Jesus.

Jesus wept at Lazarus’ death. Watkins highlights that Jesus’ tears were unnecessary; he knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He didn’t need to grieve, but he slowed down and felt the pain of loss for himself and others.

Jesus wrestled with God before his own death with loud cries and tears (Heb 5:8) and was greatly distressed and troubled (Mk 14:33). On the cross, he cried out asking why God had forsaken him (Mk 15:34).

We are also allowed to question, weep, and mourn. But we don’t just respond like Jesus, we also respond alongside Jesus. He is with us:

And God will wait for you patiently, listen to you tearfully, and sustain you graciously, even as your prayers to him end in exclamation points and question marks. (48)

Learn to Lament

Watkins explores biblical lament and uses it to develop a framework of lament with four elements: 1) explained pain; 2) expressed protest; 3) earnest petition; and 4) eventual praise.

While we petition the Lord and we regularly praise him, explaining our pain to God and expressing our protest at him are often missing in our Western Christian climate. I wonder if we know that the Psalmists do it, but deep down we wonder—are we really allowed to do the same? It just seems risky. Therefore, Watkins’ exploration of the difference between grumbling and lament is very helpful. Lament is telling our troubles to God, whereas grumbling has three opposing characteristics. Firstly, you aren’t talking to God, only to others or yourself. Secondly, grumblers never get past the complaints, but lamenters fight to move beyond pain and protest to petition and praise. Finally, grumblers tend to walk away from the Lord, yet lamenters still seek him amidst their pain and confusion.

When we get this wrong and our lament turns to grumbling, we have the wonderful comfort of the Lord’s grace and mercy. He forgives our errors and continues to walk alongside us:

Suffering may cause you to entertain dark questions about the Lord. You might even say foolish things that you will one day regret and repent of. But God’s compassion does not depend on your ability to struggle perfectly … and if you cross the line, remember the cross. God covers your groans in grace. (80)

Walking Alongside Others

Watkins urges honesty with each other about our struggles and suggests adding lament into our corporate worship. This includes the songs we sing, but also how we preach about challenges and lead prayers and services. Let’s speak in ways that give permission to voice pain, confusion, and questions, and still lead people to Jesus as the source of all comfort.

He encourages allowing others to lament with us. We try to share honestly, wisely (perhaps with only a few in depth), and with hope. For those who walk alongside people in deep pain, we bear their burdens. Allow people to explain their pain and express their protest at God. Be okay with the theological tension. Let them sit in the confusion and uncertainty of what God is doing. Ask them how we can petition God for them. Help them walk towards praise.


Some books about pain and suffering are meant to prepare readers for future suffering, rather than intended for those who are in the midst of pain. However, I would offer Just Be Honest to someone in the middle of their own anguish. One possible limitation is how entwined the content is with Watkins’ own story. It fleshes out his content with personal experience, but it is only his own experience that is explored. The inclusion of other stories of different pain and loss may have helped readers find application in different circumstances. It may also be that Watkins’ r

aw and open emotion may be too confronting for those who are unable or unwilling to express pain or emotion. However, it could also be the catalyst that enables honest processing with God and others.

Watkins’ compassionate tone, biblical foundation, and clear understanding of pain and lament will help many to express their pain and protest and petition to the Lord, and God-willing, lead them to eventual praise.

This review was first published on TGCA.
I was given a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Transformative Friendships

Transformative Friendships, Brad Hambrick (New Growth Press, 2024) 

Have you ever wished that your friendships were deeper? That you were able to share more honestly with each other, both the joys and the challenges that you each face?

Our inbuilt human desire for connection with others means that many of us do probably desire closer, more trusting and open friendships. But, we may not know how to move a friendship in this direction. We may have discovered that praying with a friend can strengthen a relationship, as we share more openly about the matters on our hearts and bring them to the Lord together. But, even a friendship that includes prayer may not always consider areas of sin, struggle, ruts, or future goals.

In Transformative Friendships, Brad Hambrick provides a simple yet effective guide to deeper friendships - through the use of seven questions: 

1. What’s your story? 
2. What’s good? 
3. What’s hard? 
4. What’s bad? 
   
5. What’s fun? 
6. What’s stuck? 
7. What’s next? 

Each is broken down further into five depths of growth, starting with more surface knowledge to very deep and honest sharing. For example: in ‘What’s bad?’ (i.e., what’s sins are you struggling with, Depth 1 is our about respectable sins, Depth 3 is about your go-to escapes, and Depth 5 is about the sins most likely to shipwreck your life). 

He emphasises that this is designed for mutual friendships, where both are committed to deepening the relationship. This is marked by proportional voluntary knowledge of each other and shared investment in the relationship. “Growing deeper in a friendship must be mutually desired and mutually engaged. It cannot be compelled.” (148) As such, this is not intended to be a resource for counselling or mentoring relationships, for they are purposefully one-sided in disclosure. He also cautions - not every friendship will move to the deepest level. It’s appropriate to have numerous friends, all at different levels. Ideally, though, there will be some where both share deeply.

The breadth of questions and the various depths to which they are explored is quite extensive. Pretty much all aspects of our lives are covered. Some quotes that struck me along the way: 

“As you read your Bible, ask yourself, “Am I as honest with my friends about my life as these people were about theirs?” (21)

“Write a list of your primary roles: student, employee, boss, son, daughter, sibling, spouse, parent, teacher, friend, etc. Chances are, at least 80 percent of God’s will for your life is simply fulfilling these roles with excellence.” (37)

“There are mild life challenges and severe life challenges. But while one is heavier, neither is light….To appreciate this, we must remember that suffering is not a competitive sport.” (53)

“Identify your top three idols and you’ve probably found the root of 90 percent of your sin.” (73)

It is aimed at Christians, and assumes knowledge and understanding of the gospel. There is no overarching theological framework of friendship and how it could look. It assumes you are a Christian who wants to deepen your friendships with other Christians and dives right in at that point. This keeps the book short (150 pages) and easy to read, with each mini chapter being only about 3 pages. Of course, enacting it will take much longer with considerably more effort!

While Hambrick is keen to focus this resource toward the development of friendships, I can see other applications for the content. Increasing depth in sharing does apply in other settings. I think it could be used wisely by counsellors and mentors, to scaffold the process of more deep work (preventing perhaps diving too deep too soon). Hambrick does not talk about marriage in friendship, but I can imagine this being of great value to married couples, as they grow their friendship and are intentionally more vulnerable with each other. Finally, the questions and topics raised would bring helpful self-awareness even in personal private reflection and before God.

Hambrick’s goal however is to produce friendships “that enrich our lives a little more each day”. With some friendships, you might start by sharing a little bit more and allowing space for them to do the same. With others, you might choose to read this book together and intentionally plan to utilise it. However you use it, this book will give lots of prompts and encouragements to invest in good, supportive, honest friendships.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My First ABC Book of Bible Verses

My First ABC Book of Bible Verses, Jonathan Gibson (New Growth Press, 2024) 

This is a lovely picture book that uses the alphabet as the springboard to explore different truths about God through bible verses and simple explanations. Full of God’s truths, it will be a good introduction to his word for young ones, using bible verses from the full bible, rather than a simplified kids’ version. As such, there may be a little too much content for very young ones, so you could dip in and out of it with toddlers, rather than read it cover to cover. Older pre-schoolers will likely appreciate the ABC structure, finding the letters on each page and how the bible verse matches with them.

The illustrations by Mike Mullen are fun and varied, with city and country scenes, and lots of different people. He cleverly utilises each letter, but keeps simplicity for younger ones. 

Gibson also authored The Moon is Always Round, which is an excellent kids’ book about God's goodness in the midst of hard times. He has also written a series of three rhyming acrostic books, so he clearly enjoys making things work around the alphabet.

However, there were two things that I noticed:

1. The ABC structure has driven the choice of bible verse whereas it would have been better to have the story of the bible drive the order. So, it oddly starts with Isaiah 53:6 - with sin, before God’s goodness or creation. The order feels haphazard throughout.

2. Three bible translations have been used: ESV, NIV and CSB, with the default being the ESV. This is an odd choice for young children, because the ESV's intention to retain Greek word order does not always correlate with the most natural English reading. The risk of including three translations is that it gives the impression of just picking the one that suits your purpose (like how to include a “Z”). Following on from this, verses weren’t always referenced quite right when the whole verse was not included (which is traditionally indicated with a letter, e.g., Romans 5:5b).

All in all, it’s a fun book that will engage parents and children alike to embrace, love and learn God’s word.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.  

The fairytale of the Jeweller and his Pearl

The fairytale of the Jeweller and his Pearl, Raechel Joyce

A local Adelaide author, Raechel Joyce, reached out to share her new self-published book with me. I’m glad she did. 

There is a significant personal story behind it and there are numerous levels of meaning woven throughout. Written in the style of a fairytale and illustrated like a picture book by Jessica Scholich, it’s relevant for older children through to adults.

A friendly and knowledgeable jeweller lives with his family in a small village. One day a stranger gifts him a special and precious pearl. Word of it spreads and many flock to see it, including a deceptive and nasty jewel thief. The pearl is deeply damaged by the thief, and the Jeweller is heartbroken that he could not protect her. A gemstone fixer works to repair the pearl over much time, and a lovely guard-dog is dispatched to protect her. The scars of the pearl’s damage remain, but they somehow become beautiful and change her to be even more valuable and precious.

At one level it’s a modern fairytale about our value despite what happens to us. As such, younger readers will be able to appreciate it. For people who have been significantly harmed by violence or trauma, they will hopefully see the message that they are loved and precious, and that they can grow and strengthen despite the pain experienced. I could imagine counsellors using it with (especially female) clients who have experienced violence.

For Christian readers, there is subtle extra meaning, with the kind stranger being King Yeshua and echoes of the kingdom of heaven being like pearl of great value (Matthew 13:45). The author has clearly tried to make it accessible to anyone, whatever their world view. I found the story stayed with me for some time.

Raechel says that “this book is the outworking of Genesis 20:50-51 in my life: what the enemy intends for evil God can use for our good, and His glory.” If you are interested in knowing more or getting a copy, you can email Raechel at publishingpearls@gmail.com or see the Facebook page (under the book's title).

 (I was given a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review)