Year 7 Daughters and Dads

We kick off the year with a post written by Husband about a graduation event he and some other dads ran for their Yr 7 daughters at the end of last year. 

Continuing the tradition which we began with our son, the end of 2018 was Miss 13's turn to mark this significant rite of passage - finishing primary school, and starting high school.

She has been looking forward to this ever since her big brother's occasion, and so it was with great excitement and anticipation that we gathered with nine other Christian Dads and Daughters.

The afternoon activity was outdoor laser-tag - the Daughters insisted that they be teamed against their Dads! Suffice it to say that whatever they might have lacked in overall strategy, their small size and superior speed definitely helped ...

Afterwards we had a lovely BBQ dinner and dessert back at our place. Some of the girls even braved the pool (having been promised a swim, mere 19 degree temperatures weren't going to stop them!)

The highlight of the night were some brief formalities - every Dad had a few minutes to share some of the ways they were thankful to God for their daughter, as well as offer a piece of advice (with a bible verse) to all the girls as they begin high school. Every daughter also received a "memento" of some description to accompany that piece of advice, and a "treasured memories box" to store them in.

All in all it was a wonderful night, and Miss 13 is already asking about what we will do next year!

Between Us Girls

Between Us Girls, Trish Donohue 

Are you a mother with a tween or teen daughter? If so, my guess is you might be a bit like me and seeking ways to connect with her at the right level. Trying to bring God’s word to bear in a winsome way across the range of things you talk and think about. You know there are lots of topics you want to talk through and probably more you haven’t even considered yet, but you don’t want to only do so reactively. You want to think ahead with your daughter and help prepare her for the joys and challenges for a young woman growing into adulthood.

If that’s the case, Between Us Girls by Trish Donohue might be just what you are looking for. Donohue has done much of the work for us and has provided a readily accessible book for mums* and daughters to read together. Naming them ‘walks’: each is designed to be read with no preparation, anywhere you like – at home, in a coffee shop or indeed out walking together. All you need is the book and a bible. Donohue has 26 walks each covering a different topic, and each is split into 4 sections:

• The garden: what God’s vision is for us.
• The weeds: how sin has messed this up.
• The hill: how the gospel and what Christ has done helps free us from the grip of sin.
• The field: where we start putting these truths into action.

Right away we dive into the foundation of what we believe with the gospel beautifully and simply explained. What Donohue does next is wonderful; after explaining God’s plan of salvation she simply states:

‘Without understanding this plan, the rest of this book will sound like this: “Be a better person, blah, blah, blah; don’t be like those bad girls, blah, blah, blah.”’

My girls loved this, they thought it was funny but also understood the point: what Jesus has done changes how we live: not because we have to, but because we want to.

Getting straight to the point, the question for mums is: “Describe how you realized your need for a Saviour. Was it sudden or gradual? What details do you remember?” For girls: “Have you repented of your sin and received Jesus’ gift of righteousness? If not, have you ever thought about it?”

So straight up, both mum and daughter can hear each other’s stories of faith to this point, which for many may be the first time they have explicitly talked about it.

Then we dive into the remainder of the topics covered, which include relationships (our families, our friends, our role models), insight into who we are (our feelings, our flair, our appearance, our design, our weaknesses), our spiritual life (our devotions, our prayers, our church) and considerations into how we live now and into the future (our work, our reach, our hard times).

We loved the comment in Our Feelings:

“Believe it or not God created our feelings and emotions (….) Can you imagine Adam and Eve plodding around the garden of Eden stating in bland voices, “This. Piece. Of. Land. Appears. Adequate.” No way! They were probably splashing in steams, cracking up over the crazy animals, and oohing and aahing over that first sunset.”

Our Devotions and Our Prayers point out how cool and surprising it is that the God of the universe wants to be in a relationship with us. Both mothers and daughters are challenged to consider whether they are more likely to tend towards legalism or laziness, and to encourage one other to continue to progress forward. Donohue is honest about the challenges of prayer, and encourages girls to practice praying the bible.

Our Design introduces girls to how God has designed men and women differently and it was a good age-appropriate introduction to the topic: “Creation shows us that God made men and women differently with great purpose and design. The gospel shows that we each have dignity and worth. May our lives show that we trust his wisdom and delight in who he has made us.” Our Flair was a lovely introduction to the different ways God has gifted each of us, and encourages each girl to find delight in their own skills and gifts, and to find ways to bless and serve others with them.

Every single chapter was biblically sound, instructive and wise. Donohue’s writing style is very appealing: serious when appropriate, direct at points, and funny and a bit silly at other times. The sharing questions for mothers and daughters always extended the conversation further. With 26 walks outlined, even managing it only once a week, you could do it over six months. I read it with Miss 10-11 and Miss 12-13 over the last year and I can well imagine getting it out and reading it together again in another few years. We did it as a group of three, which worked for us, but there would also have been great value in me reading it with each daughter individually. Every time took about 20-30 minutes as we curled up in bed, read the chapter and bible verses, chatted through the questions and thoughts raised, and prayed together. Each time we came away feeling closer to one another and knowing a bit more about each other.

Was there anything missing? A chapter on developing romantic interest and considerations for dating may have been helpful (although it is alluded to elsewhere). In addition, a conversation on some of the risks and allure of the teen years including wise choices with alcohol and drugs, as well as an awareness of potential mental health issues would have been useful. But these are minor because some of the other conversation topics could lead in this direction, and Donohue is honest about the book aiming to be a conversation starter, rather than covering everything.

While the language is written for mothers and daughters, it could easily be adjusted to suit other mentoring relationships, including a grandmother and granddaughter; godmother and god-daughter, or aunt and niece. It could even be adapted, with some care, for a small group setting.

Mother and daughter relationships (especially in the teen years) can bring great joy and great stress. There are tensions, words that are regretted, and worries that do not seem to cease. Yet there are also moments of wonder and awe at who our girls are becoming. While as mothers we continue to trust in our sovereign Lord’s good plans for our daughters, and we continue to work out daily what it means to cast our anxieties for our girls onto the Lord because he cares for us and them, we also want to proactively guide and grow our daughters in these years. This book gives us some great wisdom and help to do that. Highly recommended.


*Being American this book speaks about “moms”, but I have written “mums” for our Australian context.
This review was first published on The Gospel Coalition Australia website. 
I received an e-copy of this book from New Growth Press in exchange for an honest review.

Bringing up Girls

Book Review: Bringing Up Girls, Dr. James Dobson

In the past 12 months, I have read a bit about girls (5 Conversations, Girltalk, Getting Real) and am keen to keep thinking about raising daughters. This recent release by Dr. James Dobson seemed an obvious choice. I read his Bringing Up Boys a few years ago, and recall enjoying it (I plan to re-read it in the next few months).

It's a good book, very easy to read being full of anecdotes and stories. That makes it very quick reading. Sometimes I think there are a few too many anecdotes, and I would prefer a bit more 'meat', but having said that it's still definitely worth a read.

Here are some things I liked and that it made me think about:

1. Passing on your faith to your children is vital

If it is true that children should be trained in the knowledge of the Lord, and Scripture tells us it is, then there is one task in parenting that outranks all others in significance. It is the responsibility of Christian mothers and fathers to introduce their children to Jesus Christ and to cultivate their understanding of Him at every opportunity. (p258)

2. Mothers are critical. I guess we know this deep down, but as a mother, it's certainly nice to read it.

To put it succinctly, Mom, you are indispensable. The start your baby gets in life is in your hands - and in your voice and in your heart. What a wonderful privilege and responsibility it is to welcome her with open arms. (p62)

3. Involved fathers (or father figures) are crucial. Interestingly there was one chapter about mothers and daughters, but 3 about fathers. There is a place for a father with girls that a mother cannot fill (p88). These chapters about fathers I found very helpful and I will place this book in my husband's hands, for him to read those chapters if nothing else. I suspect mothers have an intrinsic understanding of how their daughters work, but girls can mystify their fathers - this will help both to realise how important fathers are, and how much power fathers hold in the healthy development of their daughters.

I have watched daughters talks to fathers... Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They might take their mothers for granted, but not you [fathers]. They light up - or they cry. They watch you intensely. They hang on your words. They hope for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration - or in despair ... Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can't shape her character the way you do. You will influence her entire life because she gives you an authority she gives to no other man. (p19-20)

4. As parents, we need to stay in touch with what interests our kids - online, movies, music, books, etc.

5. We need to actively teach against the 'hook-up' culture, which encourages kids to have sex with who ever they want and do whatever they want. We need to instill morals and manners as a priority and work at fighting the prevalent messages of culture.

6. I was surprised how positive he was about the 'princess movement'. (eg. the Disney Princesses) But when I thought about it further, I could understand why. While there are negatives (you need to be beautiful to get Prince Charming, you are only complete with a man, etc), there are some positives. The princesses wait for the right man & they are treated by that man with respect and care. The subtle message is that you wait for Prince Charming, then you marry him, and then you live happily ever after (there is a level of purity here). Often they need to develop some character trait to succeed, and while their clothing has become less appropriate with time, "Cinderella and Snow White do not wear low-rider jeans or thongs" (p120).


There were lots of useful ideas, information and tips that will encourage you along the way as you raise a daughter. And it will keep reminding you that God is sovereign, and that he loves your daughter too.

Disney gets sexy

The last two weeks I have made a few comments (here and here) about Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, which I read with interest over the summer.

As many of you know we have two daughters, and we are in the 'princess' and dressing up stage with both of them. We were given Disney princess playing cards as a gift last year, and it intrigued me to see the change in Disney's portrayal of women over the decades, which can be seen directly by each Disney princess.

Start with Snow White, which was first released in 1938 (and re-released in 2009). She was a rather demure figure, looks like a girl, hardly any bust, has sensible shoes, and while thin-waisted has a reasonably accurate figure for a teenager.


Next we have Cinderella, which was released in 1950 (re-released in 2004) & Aurora, Sleeping Beauty (1959, re-released in 2008). Both still have discreet tops, but are much bustier. Their waists are also getting thinner.




After this point, Disney has a break for about 30 years, and returns to the scene with 3 bestseller movies in 3 years:

There is Ariel (The Little Mermaid, 1989), Belle (Beauty and the Beast, 1991) and Jasmine (Aladdin, 1992). Note that:


- their bustlines are more defined, larger and are much more on show,
- their waists are getting even thinner, and
- their eyes are really big, compare their eyes from the earlier version - if you had eyes that large you would look very strange!


I am willing to acknowledge that Disney has at least got more multi-cultural in the last 20 years, with Mulan (Chinese, 1998), Pocahontas (Native American Indian, 1995) and Tianna (African-American, 2009). However, none of them have really been raised to the same 'Princess' status, and all of them are still beautiful, thin (especially impossibly thin-waisted) and buxom.


I am not planning an all-out campaign against Disney. I don't really care enough! However, I do think it's helpful to be aware of these trends and be able to point them out to our sons and daughters. To encourage them to ask questions about what they watch, and the messages they are given:

- Do you think it's important that she is pretty?
- Do you think the movie is telling us it's important that she is pretty? Why?
- Do you think she is happy because she looks pretty?
- Do you know anyone who really looks like this?
etc, etc

Also, I am not banning such movies from our home, the ones that we have seen (which are only a few), have redeeming qualities of characters that you can emphasise, and they are fun! They have great music and are fun to watch.

However, it's yet another thing that I keep in mind as I continue to ponder the sexualisation of girls and how the media have helped it along.



*Pictures from http://www.ttrove.com/princesses.htm
Research done with Wikipedia and the Disney websites.

Getting Real - pt 2

Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, edited by Melinda Tankard Reist

Last week I made a few general comments about this book, this week I want to share some of the things I have been thinking as a response to reading it:

Bigger Issues:

• We need to keep trusting God. He is in control, he is sovereign and he also hates that girls are being sexualised by our culture. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or despairing, we must keep remembering that God cares for our children.

• Do you know what the overarching question was that kept coming back to me as I read this book? Where are the parents? Why are parents not standing up to this, drawing boundaries around their children, refusing to allow certain things into the home, caring about their children and what they are exposed to? We need not be afraid to stand up for our children because no one else will, and because that is our job. We are their advocates in this world.
  

As mothers:

As mothers we need to be very careful how we portray ourselves to our daughters:

• Do you spend a lot of time 'beautifying' yourself, rather than showing contentedness about your body
• Do you talk about your body in a denigrating way, 'I hate my thighs', or worse 'pregnancy ruined my body'
• Do you 'diet' rather than 'eat healthily'
• Do you exercise to 'lost weight', or to be 'be healthy' / 'because you like it'
• Do you have magazines around the house that focus on body image, beauty and gossip? Chances are they are not helping our own self-esteem, let along that of our daughters.

As fathers:

Fathers must play a crucial role, both in teaching their sons and daughters. My father was a wonderful example of this - he has two daughters. He told us we were wonderful, and beautiful, and clever and capable. He obviously loved us, he had great joy in our abilities academically and in sport, and he treated us as special women. He talked about his three lovely women and how much we meant to him. We knew, both in watching how Dad treated Mum, and how he treated us, that women deserved to be treated well & with respect, and that we should not put up with anything less.

Our sons:

Nicole made a very helpful comment about our sons with regard to this book:

But at times, I felt that some of the authors were assuming that girls were the only victims of the sex / pornography / industries - and that boys were only ever the perpetrators. As a mother of a boy (as well as two girls) I would hate to see my son grow up in a culture that was even more suspicious of and hostile to masculinity than it already is. (see her post)

I totally agree. I want my son to grow up loving & respecting women, knowing what real women look like, that sex is wonderful but for marriage, and that husbands and wives can truly love and delight in each other. And he is only going to learn that from us, from other Christians and from God's word. He is not going to learn it from anyone in the world. I suspect it is really here that fathers can play a crucial role.

Our daughters:

Most points from the other sections also flow over for daughters, however, here are a few extra thoughts.

• What do you let your girls wear? Is the language/concept of modesty used in your home? Do your girls wear things you would never leave the house in?
• Do you praise your daughter for her kind heart, her generous nature, her care of others, as well as telling her she looks pretty?
• Read books that actually teach how to think about raising girls from a Christian perspective. I have read Girl Talk and 5 Conversations You Must have With Your Daughter and found both helpful in thinking through a number of these issues.
  

Practically:

• Do you even raise the issues with your children? As you drive past advertising - do you ask "Why does she need to wear a bikini to sell a Coke?" Or "Why does she need to lie on the car to tell people to buy it?" We are probably a few years off raising these things explicitly with our kids, so if you are doing so, I would love to hear how you do.
• Do you have practical steps in place to protect your children at home? No TVs, computers, mobiles in bedrooms. Internet filters. Computers where adults can see them. Access to their Facebook & My Space pages.
• What TV shows do you watch as a family? What do you let them watch? Do you talk about what they show says about people?
• Complain when necessary. Contact the Advertising Standards Board when you see something inappropriate.
• Have a look at the Kids Free 2B Kids website for more information
  

Any other thoughts?

Getting Real - pt 1

Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, edited by Melinda Tankard Reist

I heard about this book last year, and waited months for it to arrive - well worth the wait! Although a depressing read, it's key reading for anyone who has anything to do with girls (& boys for that matter) - parents, teachers, church leaders ...

While depressing, it also issues a challenge, especially to those of us who are parents, to not sit idly by and let the prevailing culture (led by media and advertising) dictate who our children imitate, learn from and are influenced by.

The book is a collection of essays, all written by different authors and all addressing different aspects of the sexualisation of girls:

- the risks of premature sexualisation for children
- the psychological and developmental impact of sexualisation on children
- how advertising works on children and it is almost unavoidable
- the 'moral panic' raised by something like the Bill Henson photos in 2008, and the inability to allow proper debate on the issues raised
- the increase in medicalisation of sexualised girls - dealing with contraception, abortion, pregnancy, depression, STDs, etc
- how sex is so trivialised

One thing I found fascinating was the observation made of still advertising - predominantly the depiction of women in advertising is that they are young, thin, white and idle (p67). Next time you see a woman advertising something (especially in still media) ask yourself: is she doing anything? Does she have a job? Care for anyone? Chances are there are no clues - she has no background - she is just enjoying the product on offer, making the statement that "the perfect woman is beautiful, decorative and completely without identity" (p70)


I must admit that reading this book made me want to lock both my son and daughters up with no access to television, advertising, the internet or the outside world until they are 25! What children now have to face, in terms of exposure to pornography, a sexualised culture and society's ideas of how they should look and act (ie. be sexy and act sexy) terrifies me.

However, I do and must remember that God is sovereign. He knows all things and is in control of all things. As parents we need to trust that God loves and cares for our children, even more than we do.

That's not to say however, that we sit idly by and let it be. Next week, I'll make some comments about some areas this book got me thinking about more.

Nicole has also been commenting recently on this book - we often seem to read the same things at the same time! See her introductory comments on it here.

5 conversations with your daughter

Book Review: 5 Conversations you must have with your daughter, Vicki Courtney

There is a lot in the media these days about girls, how they grow up too early, they are oversexualised, and so on. I have ordered Melinda Tankard Reist's book Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, and am still waiting for Fishpond to deliver it. While I am looking forward to reading it, I suspect I may well feel overwhelmed by the problems and not have any idea what to do.

This book, 5 Conversations, helps you with what to do. She helpfully presents the issues facing girls and young women, and talks to us as mothers as to how we can show our daughters that there is another way to go.

Her 5 conversations are:

1. You are more than the sum of your parts - a look at beauty, size, weight, appearance, etc, as well as the lies in the fashion industry and the media.

2. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up - some ideas on growing up, friendships, boys and dating. She had some good ideas and principles in this area both with regard to friendships and with boys.

3. Sex is great and worth the wait. She talks about the reality that most women will not wait for marriage and the implications that it has. Again she addresses the lies that society tell you about sex, and what they don't tell you about (eg. STDs, pregnancy, emotional attachment, etc). There was a particularly honest and moving chapter about the realities of teen pregnancy and the author's own experience after choosing to have an abortion at 17.

4. It's OK to dream about marriage and motherhood. It's OK and it's normal for women to want these things. She also addresses the misunderstanding surrounding how easy it is to have children later in life, ie. the myth that women really can 'have it all'.

5. Girls gone wild are everywhere - dare to be different. Be different by being servant- hearted and virtuous.


It is very easy to read and full of good ideas. Throughout it Courtney also talks to us as mothers, challenging us to think about the message we are sending our daughters in areas such as how much time we spend on our own appearance and how we supervise our girls. She also addresses how to talk to our daughters about our own mistakes as teenagers, and when and how to be honest with them. She also has a blog where she talks about each conversation and age-appropriate things to say for each one, ie for 0-5s, 6-11s and over 12s. (see these links: age appropriate things for conversation #1), for #2, #3, #4 and #5.

She concludes the book with these words:

If you practice the principles contained in these pages and lean on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and discernment, you will have provided your daughter with the tools to embrace God's truths and reject culture's lies. You can't force her to build her life on God's truths - she will have to make that decision on her own. ... God is not looking for perfect mothers to raise perfect daughters. He's looking for imperfect mothers who are raising imperfect daughters in an imperfect world, and desperately dependant on a perfect God for the results. (p257)

Well worth reading. 

Girl talk

My summer reading kicks off with two books about mothers and daughters - reviewed today and next week.

Book review: Girl talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on Biblical Womanhood, Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre

Another great book from the girltalk bloggers. Mother-daughter team Carolyn and Nicole have made a book for mothers and daughters to help them grow closer together and really talk about the issues that women face today and how to be godly women in all circumstances. Using the language of biblical womanhood, they explore all aspects of life and the challenges for women as they try to be different from secular society.

The wonderful results of building our relationships on the foundation of God's Word are joy, peace, fellowship, and fun that make the mother-daughter bond strong. Far from being a duty or obligation, the mother-daughter relationship can be one of the greatest blessings of our lives...

This must be the aspiration of all mothers and daughters: the successful transfer of the qualities of biblical womanhood that sparkle with the gospel. - so that in the midst of this me-centred, self-focused, ungodly language of our culture, we can speak the refreshingly pure, altogether true and saving message of Jesus Christ. (p26, 27)

They have divided the books into 2 parts, I'll briefly summarise what each of them cover

I) The Forging of the Mother-Daughter bond - that God made our family, so the mother/daughters we have are his choice for us; how to maintain communication; conflicts; for mothers - their faith, example, love & discipline; and for daughters - their honour and obedience.

II) Biblical Womanhood in the Real World - navigating the realities of life: friendships, guys, beauty, modesty, homemaking, reputation, courting and marriage.


This was a helpful book that has already made me start thinking about areas where I want to be pro-active with my daughters. They are only 2 & 4, but it's good to think about these in advance!

Here are some things I liked:

1) Her advice about teenage years when girls tend to move away from their mothers. She talks about actively being present in those years and not allowing daughters to move away and stop talking to their mothers, because really they do need encouragement, advice and help in these years, even if they don't think they do.

Biblical womanhood is transferred through our example, our speech, and by teaching these virtues in the nitty-gritty of everyday life.

This process requires a relationship. Clearly, for me to exert any meaningful influence in my daughters' lives, I must be close to them. I must be consistently, actively and intimately involved in their world. And while this is important at any stage it is absolutely crucial during the teenage years. (p42-43)

2) The chapter on communication - she had five principles: Godly mother-daughter communication starts with Mum*, happens all the time, is about the Word of God, is open and honest and is possible through the grace of God. I found this helpful thinking about all the things we talk about in a day, and making sure that I am open to conversation all the time (even when I often I like a little silence!)

3) Her suggestions for a mother to show her tender love for her daughter: pray, take an interest, listen closely, encourage, express affection and make memories (p77-79)

4) The way she thinks through teaching our daughters the practicalities of modest dress, passing on the ideas of true beauty, dating boys and then moving towards marriage.

The only thing that sat uncomfortably with me was the emphasis on teaching daughters to be homemakers. Now I agree that we should be teaching our daughters how to manage a home, including cooking, cleaning and washing. However:

• we should also be equally teaching these skills to our sons, and
• I struggled with her emphasis on making the home beautiful. I don't think we need to be teaching them how to home-decorate, but how to manage a home. This assessment may be a little harsh though, it just seemed like there was more attention here to some things that I would see as unimportant (eg. how to wrap presents, etc)

However, I suspect even my hesitation over this is my response to societal views that women should not have to be at home doing all these things, even though, I have chosen to be at home and do all these things! What I did like was her emphasis that we can teach our daughters that there can be real joy in managing a home and it does not have to be seen as drudgery. We can choose to see it as a privilege to care for a family and their needs, or view it as an imposition that we are the cook, cleaner, etc. As mothers, we will be passing on our attitudes to these things, whether we realise it or not.


It's a book worth reading for any Christian mother with daughters, especially those approaching or in the teenage years.

* Note - they use 'Mom' for all references, but because it is more natural for me and most of my readers to use 'Mum' I have changed to that.