Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, Julie & John Gottman (Penguin, 2024)
For over fifty years, John and Julie
Gottman have been researching couples and using their discoveries to develop books and tools to help couples grow their relationships.
Earlier books, such as
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and
Eight Dates cover multiple aspects of relationships - friendship, conflict, communication, sex, hopes & dreams, and so on. This great new book,
Fight Right, focuses on conflict, particularly the conflicts that couples get stuck in. If you are familiar with the Gottman’s work and materials, none of it will be particularly new, but the re-presentation of it structured around conflict is very helpful.
I particularly liked their focus on conflict being a way to connection:
“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection.” (p9)
There is a recognition that every relationship contains conflict, for all couples will fight in some way or another. It’s how to do it that matters:
“When we fight, we should be trying to create something better. That’s the ultimate goal of conflict: to create something better for yourself, for you and your partner as a couple, and for the world.“ (p 17).
The first section explores conflict itself - why we fight, how we fight, and what we fight about. In the end, we fight because we are two different people with different personalities, desires, goals, hopes and dreams. As Christians, I think we would add that we also fight because we are two sinners living together, we can be self-centred and unwilling to serve each other.
They explore different conflict styles in a relationship - avoidant, validating and volatile. While the categorisations were helpful, I didn’t see myself clearly defined by any of them. I could see overlap and bits of each. I’m not sure this mattered that much though, because they suggest that your conflict style is less important when compared to how you fight. Their research indicates that you need a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in conflict (and much more positive overall in your relationship).
They see a conflict as a bid for connection. It’s an attempt to bridge the gap when something is wrong between you. They suggest that the common denominator in every fight that goes wrong is dismissing our partner’s negative emotions, rather than being willing to explore them. Ideally, we want to approach each other with curiosity over what is happening, rather than hostility.
“When we choose someone for life, in addition to choosing someone to love, we’re choosing a set of forever conflicts, points of friction that will always heat up from time to time and sometimes maybe start a little fire. There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with the points of conflict - to accept that they are there and approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.” (94)
This book is aimed at couples willing to work on their marriage. However, they say three circumstances are usually dealbreakers: abuse, refusal to seek help for addiction, and differences around having children. While the warnings about abuse are present, they are a little limited. I was surprised they didn’t add ongoing infidelity to this list. Elsewhere they have identified this as a contra-indication to successful couples counselling.*
The second section explores the five fights everyone has, and how to do them better:
- The harsh-start up. The first 3 minutes of a fight are critical to how it goes. They suggest a different way: I feel x, the problem is y, I need z. It’s about you, not the other person.
- Attacking, withdrawing, defending and flooding. We need to solve the moment, not the fight. Here they talk more about expressing needs, and repair attempts mid-fight.
- Staying shallow - not addressing the real issue underneath. We must understand what is really going on before we can seek to deal with it.
- Competing to win, rather than being flexible together and trying to find a way forward.
- Stewing about past fights. Unresolved conflicts fester, so a way is provided to process unresolved past arguments and explore what happened.
This book gives couples some of the same tools that a Gottman-accredited therapist would use. Seeing a therapist together is still a great idea, especially for couples struggling in conflict gridlock. However, this is a great option for couples who want to try on their own or have circumstances that make it difficult to see a therapist. It requires both of you to be fully committed to the process. If that’s the case, I see much benefit for couples that apply the principles here.
The book is probably a little longer than it needed to be. However, some will appreciate knowing what their research found and what their methods are based on. The numerous illustrations and examples sprinkled throughout will help many to grasp and implement the suggestions. It’s a secular book, so those who want a Christian framework need to look elsewhere. I would have appreciated a bit more detail about what forgiveness can look like within a relationship. However, this is still some of the best research-backed work in the field. I like the Gottmans’ style. They are realistic and they offer hope.
“Our conflicts are endless mirrors of our deeper humanity. They compel us to see and accept the full complex humanity of our partner – both the wonderful parts and the deeply human flaws. That means accepting their vulnerabilities, their baggage, their trauma, and their weaknesses - all the nuances that create the whole individual, the heart and soul, of this person you fell in love with.” (p. 298)
*10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman (Norton & Co, 2015)
