Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, Nancy Guthrie (Tyndale, 2009) 

This book is for someone experiencing grief, loss or pain, yet wants to hear Jesus’ words in their situation. Guthrie writes from her personal experience of losing two children in infancy. Amid her grief, she also recognised that Jesus was the one she turned to, realising like Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68). Yet, she could also see how others might reject him: 

“I could relate to those in the story who found some of Jesus’ words, difficult to understand and accept, and simply walked away. Perhaps you can too, as you have struggled to reconcile your understanding of what you’ve read about in the Bible, and your expectations of how God cares for those he loves, with your own difficult reality.” (xv)

In this book, she applies Jesus’ words in the gospels to those who hurt - both words of comfort and those that are harder to hear. Each chapter explores something Jesus said and what that means for us. Some examples are: 

• I too have known overwhelming sorrow (Matthew 26:38). Jesus understands the crushing weight and agonising loneliness of grief. 

• I, too, have heard God tell me no (Matthew 26:39). Jesus shows us what to do when God doesn’t give us what we want. 

“Faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want, it is measured by our willingness to submit to what he wants. (19)

• I am willing to heal your deadliest disease - sin. (Mark 1:41). The challenge here is that if we are only after physical healing, we don’t think our sin is significant. 

“Jesus did not die on the cross to give you a certain number of days of health on this earth, but to fit you, body and soul, for eternity in a new heaven and a new earth.” (37)

• I will save you from yourself (Matthew 16:23). Jesus saves us from a wasted life of always trying to get our own way. This chapter challenges us to confront why we think we should be exempt from pain and suffering. 

• I have a purpose in your pain (John 9:3). Jesus gives us insight when we ask “why?” I appreciated her observation that people blame God when something bad happens, but actually we should be blaming sin. 

Other chapters focus on being empowered to forgive others, that God gives us grace in our weakness, and that death is not the end of life. We will grieve differently from those with no hope. Not less, but differently.

She finishes with the comforting truth that Jesus opens his arms to us and gives us rest (Matt 1:28).

Some books are about understanding grief and loss. This book is about experiencing grief and loss, and holding on to Jesus in the midst of it.

You are still a mother

You are still a mother: Hope for women grieving a stillbirth or miscarriage, Jackie Gibson (New Growth Press, 2023)

In this heartfelt and honest book, Jackie Gibson reaches out to mothers who have lost a child due to stillbirth or miscarriage, and shares the comfort and love of God who is with them in their pain. She begins by sharing the devastating story of the stillbirth of her daughter Leila, and so forms an immediate connection with the reader - this is someone who knows this sadness.

Each brief chapter brings a truth about God to the fore, in light of such loss. These include:

• Cling to God’s truths - we believe in the darkness, what we have seen in the light. 
• We turn to Jesus, the man of sorrows, who wept at death and knows what it is to suffer. 
• God is sovereign, even in this. This can help with the ‘what-ifs’, for God numbered this child’s days. 
• Questioning whether God really is good, if he allowed this to happen. As Job conceded, there are things too wonderful about God for us to grasp, and sometimes we have to live with not knowing the why. 
• The child is safe in the arms of Jesus. 
• The child is precious in his sight (and what has happened is not a punishment for any sin). 
• In time, you may see that God has not wasted your suffering. 
• Suffering makes us groan for our home in heaven. 

Gibson also addresses other aspects of loss:

• You are still a mother, for motherhood begins at conception 
• She notes that there is a particular complexity to grief with a miscarriage before a baby’s gender is known. 
• The pain and grief will change, but be aware of symptoms of trauma and stress. 
• You have had a significant loss, don’t allow our society to minimise it. 

I realise starkly writing the topics out above has unhelpfully reduced them to simplistic points. While the chapters are short, there is nothing simplistic about the content. Gibson has carefully worded everything she says to represent gospel truths with compassion and care. Because it is both very short and very caring, it could be read soon after a grief. The rawness may assist some to express their own pain. It’s clearly aimed at mothers, but fathers will also find much to help them process their loss as well. It is also for Christians. I wouldn’t give this to an unbeliever with such a loss. Partly because it is only through the gospel that the truths of God’s goodness and sovereignty in this context are a comfort. But also because while she is confident that the unborn children of believers are safe in the arms of Jesus, she does not comment about the unbeliever, leaving this unspoken question unanswered.

I particularly liked her comments about the everlasting arms (from Deut 33:27).

“There was only one pair of arms that could hold me through the worst moment of my life—the everlasting arms of an eternal God.”

And the reminder from an anonymous author:

“Suffering is not a question that demands an answer. It is not a problem that requires a solution. It is a mystery that needs a presence.”

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.  

Someone I Know is Grieving

Someone I Know is Grieving, Edward T. Welch (New Growth Press, 2023) 

I’m pleased to have the opportunity to review the new additions to the Ask the Christian Counselor series published by New Growth Press. They are very short books that aim to explore life’s common challenges, but not overwhelm the reader.

Someone I Know is Grieving is a gentle and compassionate offering by Edward Welch. Welch is prolific writer in the biblical counselling space, and he always has a kind and wise perspective (see his other books I have reviewed here.

It is structured simply and effectively, in four easy to read chapters:

Responding wisely to suffering - we all want to help rather than hurt people, so our goal is “to care very well for those who suffer; to bring life to those who are hurting. As we grow in this goal, the body of Christ will be drawn both toward Jesus and toward each other.” He encourages reflection on what you have found helpful in times of suffering.

Consider Christ our wisdom - who reshapes our hearts with love and humility. From here he springboards into the two our care should be offered:

Care shaped by compassion means we want to know people, and we understand that life experiences and emotions are complex.

"Compassion means that you love the person and are affected by his or her hardships, no matter how transient those hardships might be. They leave their mark. You remember them and are changed by them. Such a response takes you into the very heart of God, who chooses to place compassion at the forefront of how we know him."

Practical tips here include: say something, do something, avoid stories about you, and remember the details and the dates.

Care shaped by humility means we listen to what people want and need, and don’t assume that we know better.

“For us, humility knows its creaturely limits and persuades you that your comforting skills need work. You don’t always know what is helpful to say or do, and you can’t fully understand another person’s pain.”

Tips here include: prayer for and with them, don’t over interpret grief and suffering, hold your advice, and be careful using bible passages and responding to theological questions.

The end of each chapter has questions to prompt further thought and consider how it personally applies (the book is really acting as a counsellor at this point).

Welch has combined the theological realities about God’s care, sovereignty, and love for his people with thoughtful application about how to apply that to those who are grieving. The humility perspective adds a dimension of self-awareness - we must know people well before we can speak to them helpfully. We cannot think we have the answers to their concerns. And while God’s word speaks to all situations, sometimes silence, prayer and companionship is the more compassionate response in the immediate moment. Theological reflection on how God has been present in the moment will likely come later, as people process their experience. So, we walk alongside people as they grieve: learning, supporting, encouraging, and showing them Christ’s care.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Resilient Grieving

Resilient Grieving, Dr Lucy Hone (Allen & Unwin, 2017)

This is an excellent book about grief, how it impacts and changes us, and how we learn to live with loss.

Dr Lucy Hone works in the field of resilience psychology. Living in Christchurch, she worked with people through major loss and disruption over the time of their earthquakes. Her life was then turned upside down when her daughter Abi (12) was killed in a car accident, along with two dear family friends.

As Lucy, her husband and two sons faced their devastating grief, she began to consider how her her work could interact with her grief experience. In the end, she decided she wanted to be proactive about her grieving, to take control of it.

Her reading, research and experience has produced Resilient Grieving (first published as What Abi Taught Us). She says “this book is less about what you might experience during bereavement and more about what you might do to enable the process of healthy grieving“.

The book is split into two parts.

Part 1: Recovery

This section is intended for the early days, weeks and months after a major bereavement. The first chapter suggests six strategies for coping in the immediate aftermath:

• There are no rules, do what you need. 
• Choose where to focus your attention 
• Take your time 
• Feel the pain 
• Beware of the grief ambush 
• Reestablish routines 

Further chapters consider ideas such as:

• Accepting the loss 
• Noting humans are hard wired to cope - death is normal and most people manage tragedy and trauma quite well, with time. 
• Noting the secondary losses that come with any major loss - perhaps loss of role, income, dreams, etc. 
• Choosing to find positive emotions 
• The usefulness of distraction 
• Habits of resilient thinking: realistic optimism, redefining hope, and mindfulness 
• Managing exhaustion and depression through rest and exercise 
• What family and friends can do to help. This chapter is very helpful for support people, and also includes comments about grief in children 

This was all very useful material. My only thought is that whether someone is likely to have this book and be in a state to read it in those very early days of grief, or able to process the content within. As such, this may be more of a tool for a support person, who can also put it in the grieving person’s hands when they are ready.

Part 2: Reappraisal and renewal

This considers the reality of your life after the loss, so chapters address:

• Reappraising your brave new world 
• Facing the future 
• Continuing bonds 
• Post-traumatic growth 
• Rituals and mourning the dead 

The main reason I found this book so helpful was not related to a personal grief story. Rather, I have done a Theories of Grief course at uni this semester. And so forgive me, because this next sentence will mean nothing to many - but for those that have spent time in the field it should make sense. What Hone has managed to do is turn numerous grief theories (e.g., Worden’s tasks of mourning, Attig’s relearning the world, Stroebe & Schut’s Dual Process Model, and Neimeyer’s meaning making concepts); and combine them into an easily understandable explanation that grabs the key elements of each and applies them to her own situation. What I appreciate about the various grief theories is how readily they can interact with & build on each other. Hone has developed her own pictoral grief model - a jigsaw puzzle of interlocking pieces, not linear or circular, but something that keeps needing to be fit together in a way that works for her.

So, Hone has managed to tell her own story of loss and grief, and combine it skilfully with research, producing a book that is both deeply personal as well as being a learning and guiding tool for others - readily accessible for anyone in grief. Each chapter finishes with personal questions to consider for your own situation.

This could be a very helpful guide to those charting their own way through major bereavement. In addition, it would be a valuable addition to anyone who cares for or counsels those in grief.

Grief Undone

Grief Undone, Elizabeth W. D. Groves

This raw, honest, yet hope-infused book charts the diagnosis, decline and death of Elizabeth Groves’ husband Al from cancer.    It's a testament of God’s grace to this family even in hard times that they never would have chosen. 

In 2006, at age 52, happily married with four children, two still in high school, and working as Academic Dean at Westminster Theological Seminary, Al learns his previous melanoma has returned as spots on his lungs.  With no real treatment options, they prepare for his final months.  The book divides into two main sections, life before and life after, which also includes some reflections from Elizabeth over seven years later.   Much of the material in the first half are reflections Al himself write on a blog at the time.

The chapters are very short, rarely more than 2-3 pages, which Groves’ acknowledges are purposeful, in case others reading it are also in the midst of grief and cannot read much at a time.

As I read it, I was struck by many things.  This family’s continual trust and faith in God’s goodness, in all circumstances.  Their deep and purposeful reliance on him.   Their desire to keep serving and honouring God in their midst of their grief and pain.   Their very healthy approach to Al’s final months, declaring “it’s always OK to cry”.  They grieved openly that he would never walk his daughters down the aisle, never see his grandchildren, never see any more children’s graduations.   They expressed their love for each other, were able to say goodbye, and it seems had few regrets about his final months.    What a marvellous gift that was, and I doubt there are many who could look back on such times with the same confidence and grace.  As such, it’s a marvellous witness to those who are yet to face such challenges in their own lives.   It may however be hard to read for those who have faced similar circumstances, without the support, love, care, faith and trust that this family had.

I found Groves’ comments on the balance between life here and life in heaven insightful and very helpful:

How do we find the balance between holding onto life here and looking forward to life in heaven?  … On the one hand, is it right to pray boldly for a miraculous healing?  I would say yes.  On the other hand, is it right to accept the cold, hard reality of a terminal diagnosis and walk toward death with faith and grace?  I would say yes.  Should we treasure life here on earth?  Yes.  But should we look forward to heaven with anticipation?  Yes.  The two mind-sets may appear to be mutually exclusive, but I think that in Christ was can actually do both at the same time.  We can fully treasure life and do all that reasonably lies within our power to preserve it, while at the same time resting in the knowledge that our lives are in God’s hands and when he chooses to take us home, we can let of this life and gladly embrace the better one ahead. (p32)

I have read this book at exactly the same time a dear friend is facing this very reality.   God indeed had his reasons for making me wait two years to get to it.   Reading it has been a cathartic experience in many ways.   At various points I found myself weeping, or rejoicing, or thankful for God’s mercies; and ever desiring and praying that all who walk the path of the valley of the shadow of death, can do so knowing they have an Eternal Father who longs to bring them home.

Grief

Many of you will know or know of Nathan Tasker, singer songwriter. He and his wife Cassie recently lost their dear twin babies at 21 weeks. Nathan and Cassie have both blogged about their loss and grief, and Nathan did a recent radio interview on The Open House Program.

I don't refer to this to create spectators for their grief, but rather for those who have suffered similar griefs who might find it helpful. (And I have only chosen to do so, because they have decided to made their news public).

There are many couples who grieve the loss of their babies, and knowing that you are not alone can be a help along the way. In the radio interview, Nathan speaks of how the Christian community has helped them in these early weeks and how that has helped to sustain them, and how even though they do not understand why God has allowed this to happen, they continue to turn to him for answers and support.

We have known many people over the years who have lost babies. One friend told me (15 years after) that,

"It hurts like hell for 10 years, then it starts to ease."

When I mentioned this to others in similar situations, they have acknowledged such a statement to be true.

I say this, both for those who grieve - to know that it will hurt for a long time; and for those of us who support friends through such a loss - we need to be a support for the long haul.

***

For those looking for other personal journeys through such a time, Molly Piper's blog is well worth reading.

Grief just is

Following on from yesterday's reference to Sarie's blog, there is another great article there by Narelle Jarrett on the grief of singleness. Here is an extract:

Grief demands to be recognized and allowed to be what it is - an uncontrollable emotional response - sadness - in the experience of a great loss.

No one chooses grief - it just is.
It sweeps across us unexpectedly, it catches us by surprise and it refuses to disappear just because we want it to.

It demands acknowledgement, it demands that we pay attention. That is why it is so cruel when we are called to 'trust God and get on with serving'.... In most instances we are in fact already doing just that...

Because the griefs of singleness and of not having children are so deep, so real and so totally right, they can't be dismissed or dealt with by anything other than allowing ourselves to grieve. Grieving with the friends who understand and who don't imply we are being self centred or self-pitying or even that we're doubting God's goodness. Such hurtful and totally inappropriate, even cruel responses to women and men in grief, do not help. In fact they add to the isolation and loneliness of grief.

It's a good, honest article, which many of us would benefit from. Read the whole post here.

Grief and change

If you have not already found it yourself, I highly recommend Molly Piper's blog.

She has great things to say on a number of different topics, however, the most helpful one is her writing about the stillbirth of her second child, Felicity. She has done a very helpful series titled 'How to help your grieving friend'.

I link to her today because of the post she just put up about how the events of the last 2 years have completely changed them:

One of the things I’ve been grieving this last year is simply that I used to be a happy person. It used to be that my days were primarily happy, with the occasional interruption of melancholy or difficulty. For the last 22 months, the opposite has been mainly true.

One of my good friends uses the phrase “secondary losses.” I think that’s what this year has been—a whole bunch of secondary losses. The loss of innocence. The loss of happiness. The loss of youth.The loss of simplicity. And when you experience those secondary losses, you grieve...

So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.

She has some really good things to say both to those of us who are grieving, and those of us walking beside them.