The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (updated)

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Some readers may recall that I have reviewed a number of Gregoire's books over the last 12 months - The Great Sex Rescue, The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex & The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. 

When I reviewed the Good Girl's Guide I noted how it was likely travelling back in time in an author's mind, seeing I first read her newer writing, then turned to what was written in 2012. Thankfully, Gregoire has done a complete update, re-releasing this book alongside the new one with her husband - The Good Guy's Guide - for men. 

As such, this is not a detailed review, because much of the content from 10 years ago is similar, and I have already reviewed it, Having said that, every question I raised with the last book has pretty much been addressed or changed. I'm still uncertain whether two books are needed to cover married Christian sex. I feel like one addressed to both partners could have more value. However, the Gregoires have chosen this path, and they've done it well.   

With the overarching premise that great sex is pleasurable, intimate, and mutual, Gregoire helpfully explores three aspects of intimacy – physical, spiritual, and relational. She covers sexual intimacy, orgasm, differences in libido, and challenges that couples face, and ways to grow in love, service, and pleasure with each other. It addresses many common questions and issues, as well as areas of disappointment or concern. 

I noted that at a number of points her message to women is "you're not broken". It's sad to consider how  often she must have heard this sentiment in order to keep addressing it.

An appendix covers honeymoon sex in detail, with lots of helpful tips and guidance, without being overly prescriptive. 

This is a detailed, frank, balanced, and honest book that promotes mutual pleasure in the bedroom. It works well on its own, but will have most value being read alongside the companion volume (and in fact, the questions for couples to work through are the same in each). 

My hesitations raised at the end of The Good Guy's review remain, especially regarding the Gregoire's online presence.

Despite that, these two books are now solidly near to the top of my recommended reading for married intimacy. 

Ready or Knot?

Ready or knot? Scott Kedersha

I’ve been looking for a new book to replace our standard recommended reading for a couple who is newly engaged. Finally, I think I've found it.

Scott Kedersha has provided an excellent resource for couples considering marriage. He addresses 12 topics to think about and work through together, covering pretty much everything I want addressed (and that we do in our own marriage preparation with couples). These include: the purpose of marriage, communication, having faith as your foundation, personality differences, family of origin, sex, financial stewardship, friendship, biblical roles, children and church community. Each chapter finishes with questions for each individual, questions to discuss together, and a prayer to pray together as you continue to work through the issue.

Kedersha seems eminently qualified, having run a marriage ministry for 13 years in Texas and having helped thousands of couples prepare for marriage. Each chapter is founded on scripture, is clear and very relevant. Published last year it is also up to date, and addresses issues older books don’t deal with as well, such as challenges of technology and the potential impact of previous sexual experience and pornography on a marriage. Each chapter includes an extended illustration of one couple and how they have managed that issue in their marriage. This gave a personal voice to the content, and will help starry-eyed couples see what challenges they may face down the track. I appreciated that these weren’t sugar-coated, there were couples who had had affairs, struggled with anger and had hopes dashed. But all came to be confronted by the grace of God in their lives and were able to enact real change.

He flags that as couples work through things, they will need consider whether an issue is a green light (proceed to marriage), orange light (reconsider, postpone, work on things), or red light (time to walk away). One potential red light issue he flagged was a partner who never asks for forgiveness. Very insightful.

I have a mental list of topics I would like to see covered in pre-marriage books. Things like: how to manage technology use, couples who were already sleeping together, what physical boundaries to consider while engaged, what friendships with the other gender might look like once married, considerations over having children, and contraception. I was thrilled to see each of these and many more covered.

There were a few minor things that could have been better. There was one very poor biblical reference to Rev 2:4-5, where Jesus rebukes the church for forgetting their first love (him), which Kedersha uses to say you have to keep the fun activities you enjoyed early on and keep doing them later in marriage. I would have liked to see him raise the red light issue if you have concerns regarding your partner’s anger or any violence. And in the chapter on biblical roles, he did not address decision-making. We find the majority of couples think headship and submission comes down to decision-making and I would have liked to see him address this oversimplification. 

While I appreciated the breadth of topics he discussed, the real strength is the way he addressed them. All were designed to bring you back to Christ, and what it means to serve him in your marriage both biblically and practically. This book will assist many engaged couples thoughtfully assess how they want their marriage to honour God and each other.

She's Got The Wrong Guy

She’s Got The Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle, Deepak Reju

It’s with some hesitation that I write this review. I married young and have not experienced long term singleness, the unmet desire for companionship or the chance of not having children. Yet, having been involved in marriage ministry and walking for 15 years alongside people in pastoral ministry, I can say without hesitation that who you marry matters. It affects your happiness on earth, but much more than that, it has eternal consequences. Spouses either lead each other toward Christ or away from him, and a life lived serving the Lord can be much harder in a difficult marriage.

We trust that God’s grace is sufficient for all circumstances (including being married to a non-Christian) and he gives us the ability to live for him in life’s joy and challenges. But sometimes the reality of a book like this is needed to help people prevent making life-altering, unwise choices.

If you are a single woman (and hoping to be married), I wonder what your internal monologue tends to be regarding men and marriage. Does it include the following?

• I deserve to be happy, to be married and to have children
• God doesn’t want me to be miserable and single
• My boyfriend is a new Christian but he’ll mature
• He’ll change (I can help him)
• He’s willing to come to church, that’s enough
• It’s my fault he lost got angry or lost control
• I don’t want to lose the only chance at marriage I may have

Deepak Reju, writing from years of pastoral and counselling experience, outlines the current dating landscape, noting our culture has lifted marriage and self-fulfilment to be a right all are entitled. Christian women have bought this lie, noting that “As Christian women, we teach the gospel, pray the gospel, sing the gospel - and we secretly hope for marriage”. To be clear: to hope for marriage is not a problem, but it is when marriage becomes the thing you seek first, what you long for, and you expend energy to find. Rather, we are to seek Christ first. Of course, this is not exclusively applicable for singles, everyone is called to seek Christ first, rather than our own personal idols of happiness, comfort, companionship and family. He identified numerous reasons women settle for inappropriate men: they put marriage above everything else, love is blind, they are afraid (maybe of being alone, being rejected) and they are unwilling to heed wise counsel.

He calls women not to forget Jesus, and encourages them to ask themselves two hard questions:

1. Do I desire Jesus more than anything else?
2. Would I settle for the wrong guy?

As Christians, our goal is to grow closer to Jesus, not to find a man. God himself has promised that we belong to him, he will love us faithfully and that he will never leave or forsake us: “Don’t build your heart around temporary treasures, like marriage to a godly husband, raising children, or the dream of a future together. Let your heart by captivated by Christ. Make Christ the greatest of all treasures.”

Reju then outlines ten types of men to be wary of: the control freak, the promiscuous guy (does he push for pre-martial sex?), the unchurched guy, the new convert, the unbeliever, the angry man, the lone ranger (unwilling to be held accountable), the commitment phobe, the passive man, and the unteachable guy. While it seemed initially like a long list, each chapter was compelling. Each of these types of men present serious issues in marriage; whether for your own growth in godliness, their own salvation, or having a relationship that is loving, gentle and mutually encouraging.

As I read through these, I was tempted to think – will any men be left at the end? Yes, there are: godly men who want to serve Jesus and their prospective spouse. This is where Reju takes us in the final chapters – in pursuit of real Christian men. Men who value what God values and love Christ more than the woman they are with. One very helpful distinctive he makes here is the difference between immaturity and the problematic man. Maturity takes time, you can’t expect the same godliness and wisdom of a mature Christ-loving, self-sacrificial 60-year-old man in a 22-year-old. But you can see the signs of where he will go.

“Choose wisely. The imperfect guy – the one who is growing in Christ and still has growing to do as he figures out how to be a boyfriend and a husband – give him a chance. Ditch the problematic man. Stay away from him.”

This is a necessary counter, because you could end up with such high goals for a Christian man, that you’re seeking perfection, which does not exist. We are all sinful and fall short of the glory of God. There could also certainly be wisdom in waiting longer to marry, to have a clearer idea of how you both are maturing in Christ.

There were insightful questions to ask about your relationship and wise guidance on how to break up. He acknowledges that for many women, the choice is between this average guy and being single (not between this average guy and that godly, wise man). He strongly encourages women not to settle for the average guy, even if he appears to be your only option, but to be content to wait upon the Lord. He closes by showing the many ways God’s grace is at work in singleness and marriage, helping us to live faithfully for Christ in various circumstances.

Single women would be advised to heed his wisdom as they consider the dating options around them. Single men should read it too, with an open and honest willingness to examine their own hearts and whether they are being willingly conformed to the image of Christ. Those with single friends or who counsel singles will also find much to recommend. Something about the title does make me wonder how many people are likely to read it though, and I wouldn't recommend it to women who are already married. This book is preventative. A whole other approach is needed for women already in difficult marriages.

I found myself wondering if there could be a companion volume, for there are also types of women that Christian men should be wary of. Such a list might include: the passive aggressive, the controller, the change-agent, the emotional manipulator; and similarly to this book: the angry woman, the unbeliever, the unchurched, and the new believer.

This book asks: “is it OK to settle in marriage?” Some things we should be willing to settle for. If your ideal man must be good-looking, athletic and outgoing, it’s time to question what you really value. The quiet, shy, awkward man on the sideline may be the one who is growing in godliness and grace. But don’t settle for a man who is ungodly, unwilling to live in Christian community, or continues in unrepentant sin. Of course, God in his mercy can work miracles of grace and change in anyone’s life. But the message of this book is: let God start that work in him before you consider joining your lives together.

Letters to a Romantic: On Dating

Letters to a Romantic: on dating, Sean Perron and Spencer Harmon

As we prepare couples for marriage and run marriage enrichment, we’re often asked if we know any good resources for couples who are dating or pre-engagement. To this point there has been little I have been able to recommend. 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged is a good option for couples who are getting serious and want some prompts to ensure they have talked through most important topics prior to marriage.

However, I been stumped for resources for people considering a godly approach to dating. Thankfully that is no longer the case, for friends Perron and Harmon (with their wives) have teamed together to create a resource for those who are in the dating stage of life. They openly state that “the point of this book is to start a conversation, not to have the whole conversation for you” (p15). As such each chapter is pretty short, raising each issue clearly and with biblical support, and leaving questions at the end for you to think though for your own situation.

It covers 20 different topics including:

• Marriage and singleness and considerations of both
• Practicalities of dating - the purpose of dating, how to decline a date and considering whether to be in a relationship
• Warning flags to consider in a dating relationship including use of pornography, and signs of obsession or abuse 
• How to break up well and analyse an ended relationship
• Considerations of a physical relationship including past sexual sin, dealing with sinning sexually in the current relationship, and how to think about physical affection 

I liked its gospel and biblical focus, it keeps drawing the reader back to the grace of God for salvation and reminds that in all stages of life, serving and worshipping God is our priority, whatever stage of relationship we are in.

One of the most helpful chapters was the one on preparing for romance, which encourages the reader to consider the following:

1. What is my foundation?  Am I operating out of fear (eg fear of loneliness or of commitment) or am I operating in faith that God provides all we need in every situation?
2. What is my vision?  Do I value man’s world or God’s word?  Do I value outward appearance or the inner heart? Do I care about pleasing them vs pleasing God?
3. What are my expectations? Am I always comparing against other relationships or situations, or I am seeking contentment in my own situation and who God made each of us to be?

I also appreciated the more ‘realistic’ chapters, the ones that frankly dealt with how to say no graciously to a date request, how to break up (with charity and clarity) and how to talk through sexual sins of the past and present.  There was an acceptance of the reality of differences between two people and also the reality of sin, and both were dealt with well. There was a strong message to avoid pornography and to seek help if you struggle with it.

The chapter on whether to date a non-Christian was direct and honest, with the clear answer being no. Their reasoning brings a helpful corrective to the issue: if you date a non-Christian, even if you are hoping to bring them to Christ the act of dating them says “I value you more than I value what Christ says” and so you undermine your own message.

There was an encouragement to see that dating should have a purpose, for too often these days it’s “an escapade aimed at nothing”. It should actually be a way to find out more about their character and Christian growth, and keep open the possibility of knowing more. But if you know you could not or would not marry them, do not keep dating.

There were a couple of areas that weren’t as strong. Unfortunately, the first chapter was one of the weakest, particularly the discussion of the gift of marriage and singleness. It seems simplistic to me that if you are content being single, you have the gift of singleness.  While this is true, what about people who are not content with singleness? It doesn’t mean they have the gift of marriage either. I think it’s more helpful to see that the current life stage you are in is what you currently have the gift of, so if you are single you currently have that gift but perhaps in time (if you marry) you are given the gift of marriage. It irked me that they encouraged people who hope to be married to do cooking courses or learn a trade so they can manage a household in the future. Those are skills all people need whether married or single.

Having said that, they later addressed well the sorrow and joy of singleness, acknowledging that it’s not sinful to feel the sting of unwanted singleness, but it is sinful to let that become a heart that grumbles against the Lord and others.  Also timely was the warning that if you are discontent as a single, marriage won’t change that for “discontent singles become discontent marrieds”. We are to seek contentment in all circumstances as we follow Christ.

The chapter on declining a date was aimed at women, and I’m OK with that, although I don’t think all Christian relationships have started with the guy making the first move. What I would have liked to see was a matching chapter to the men of how to ask a woman on a date. There was one comment to the women “if a guy doesn’t have the courage to ask you out in person, he’s not worth your time”. Boy is that true, but I’m not sure in this era of texting that all young men have got that message. I do often point out dating couples to my kids - the ones that are sitting together at a food court but both on their own phones - and suggest to them that’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. If they don’t put down their phone and talk to you, they are not worth it!

The chapter of gauging parents’ reactions to a relationship was helpful, but dealt mainly with when parents have concerns. There is wisdom in advising people to listen to their parents’ concerns, but to also find ways to evaluate what they are saying. I would have liked to see an encouragement to the dating couple to take time to get to know both sets of parents well.

There was a strong emphasis throughout the book to have wise older mentors/ couples that you can talk to about things. They even suggest having a mentor present for discussions about past sexual sin. I wasn’t sure about that; these difficult conversations are the things that couples need to learn how to manage together and on their own. Having said that it does give the couple permission to seek help if needed.

The advice most likely to challenge dating couples is the suggestion to consider not kissing prior to marriage. They present a strong case for their opinion and are clear it’s not a rule. These are good conversations for couples to have and to make wise decisions about, rather than just assuming you do what everyone else seems to be doing. I would have liked to know what they thought about holding hands or hugging; it wasn’t clear.

It’s worth mentioning this book is clearly aimed at younger people. While much of the advice is wise and applicable for couples dating into their thirties and perhaps forties, the inclusion of a chapter on ‘are we too young to get married?’ makes it clear who their intended audience are. Also, it doesn’t deal at all with dating after a failed marriage (which can still happen for people in their 20s and 30s), or even a failed long term relationship prior. Even the discussion about breaking up suggested a relationship of months not years. 

While I’ve written quite a detailed review outlining lots of things I wanted to think about more, overall this book is very, very good.  It fills a much-needed gap and provides solidly biblical, Christian advice which doesn’t skimp on saying hard truths when needed. I would happily recommend it to anyone in the ‘dating’ phase of life. Many couples fall into relationships without really considering what they are there for and why.  As the forward by Heath Lambert says “Dating relationships are complicated because they come at the intersection of four realities: sin, inexperience, high stakes and a lack of familiarity.” The conversations this book raises would help many people who want to serve Christ as they date, and help them to make wise decisions as they proceed through this tricky stage.



As a side note, I didn't love the title either.  However, considering the quality of this book, I may in time move on to their next similarly titled one - Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement.

Tying the Knot

Tying the Knot, Rob Green

As we continue our involvement in marriage ministry, we’re always on the lookout for good resources. This new book by Rob Green published by New Growth Press is a great option for marriage preparation. Green has designed a ‘pre-marital course’ for Christian couples who want to prepare well for marriage and to ensure that Jesus is at the centre of that marriage. He has produced a clear, Christ-focussed resource that a couple can work through alongside a mentor. It could be done without a mentor, but the benefit to the couple would be so much greater with a wiser, experienced person or couple alongside them (like a marrying minister). 

I think this one has risen to the near top of my favourite marriage preparation materials. It does what many don’t – combines a clear gospel truth of living with grace having Jesus as your focus and then thinks about how to apply that to various aspects of marriage.

In the introduction Green says he wants to avoid two misconceptions people have entering marriage, both of which are extremes:

• Marriage is hard and difficult with a miserable transition period
• Marriage is wonderful without any effort

We have encountered both viewpoints in couples and I am pleased he addresses it clearly from the beginning with the counter that marriage is given to enjoy, but it also takes commitment.

Then he states his goal – that you can have a marriage that brings pleasure to Christ and to you.   Before the first session, he wants couples to prepare four things:

• Ensuring they have parental support for their marriage (or the support of wise older people) 
• Set physical standards of conduct with each other
• Testimonies of each person’s conversion to Christ
• Two paragraphs on why they want to marry this person.

Each of these are the starting points of conversation with each other and with their mentor.   

Then follows eight sessions. The core is that Jesus must be at the centre of your life, this chapter reiterates the gospel message and how that impacts your marriage, as it is to reflect Christ and the church. From these seven different areas are addressed, all with the idea of Jesus being at the centre of each: love, problem solving, roles & expectations, communication, finances, community and intimacy. It’s comprehensive and easily readable, the chapters neither felt too long nor too brief.  

I was impressed with how he repeatedly uses scripture to bring you back to how to love one another as you love Jesus. Most chapters deal with the myths and misconceptions you will come to in marriage, and then look more realistically at what each topic looks like once you decide to let Jesus speak into them. The chapter on love and the analysis of 1 Cor 13 added a depth that was helpful and challenging. The comments on finances challenge couples to see their roles as stewards not owners, and pushed to guard against jealousy and towards sacrificial generosity. The chapter on community is a welcome and much needed reminder to couples that they need to commit to a church community to be matured, to serve and to let others care for them.

If you happen to be someone who prepares couples for marriage, you may be interested in this resource. For those who are already experienced in marriage preparation it could be something that assists you in the way you prepare couples for marriage. For those with less experience, or who are a bit more hesitant, you could use this material with confidence and it could become the main resource for your marriage preparation. There is an appendix for mentors at the end, where each chapter has a little more explanation about how to use the material well.

This is good material. We have a couple we are preparing for marriage, where we cannot meet with them in person until much after the wedding. This book seems to be a timely provision for them as they can prepare for their marriage with each other, and still have access to us if needed for assistance. It’s not the same as meeting together, but it’s a pretty good second option.