Reaching Your Child's Heart

Reaching Your Child’s Heart, Juan and Jeanine Sanchez (New Growth Press, 2024) 

This is a good book for Christian parents who seek encouragement and advice as they raise their children to know Jesus. The Sanchezs write with humility and grace, hoping to pass on their wisdom learned in raising five daughters.

Each chapter starts with an overarching principle, helpfully defining the content, which incorporates a biblical framework and suggestions on how it might look, without being too prescriptive. Each chapter finishes with questions to apply it to your situation.

The overarching goal is that we should have the same aim as God does: 

“Our desire for our children should be the same as God’s: that they would be children who reflect God’s image and display his glory in all they think, say, and do."

But we need to remember the reality of sin: 

“One of the greatest dangers in parenting is the temptation to settle for well-behaved children who don’t see a need for Christ’s redeeming love. We are parenting children born in sin, and they need to be rescued out of the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the kingdom of God’s Son, just as we were (Colossians 1:13–14).”

As we parent, we remember that our parental direction naturally gives way to personal responsibility as they mature. “In other words, when your children are young, you will provide clear and firm direction, but as they grow in wisdom and experience, you will free them to be responsible for their choices.” Not enough parenting resources stress this essential transition.

There is a strong encouragement to pray and be examples for our children to follow, in areas of personal devotion, personal holiness, having hard conversations and seeking forgiveness. They encourage setting biblical parenting goals to reach biblical goals, with lots of practical ideas of how this may look as we read God’s word and model Christ in our daily lives. 

“God does not expect us to be perfect parents. They have a perfect Father in heaven, and they have a perfect Savior in Jesus. What they need from us is to be humble, repentant, faithful, and godly parents.”

The chapter on discipline is the one many parents will turn to for guidance. It is structured around three principles: prioritise positive instruction (teaching about appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and their consequences), shepherd their hearts, and practice corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is broken down into: gentle exhortation, gentle rebuke, and chastisement.

And here is my one major issue with this book. Chastisement is an all-encompassing term they use for punishment, which while defined broadly and with numerous caveats, clearly includes spanking. They are careful to lay out numerous conditions: it should not hurt, must be done in context appropriate for the child, and so on. However, using the term chastisement actually makes it much less clear - what are they really talking about? When they later say (for 13+) that chastisement is no longer appropriate, it appears they are talking about physical punishment, because other options may still be appropriate. It’s confusing, but more so, spanking is contentious (rightly so) and rarely achieves its stated goals. I had concerns with this in Shepherding a Child’s Heart years ago, and this book raises some of the same issues such as how Proverbs has been interpreted, and my lack of conviction that hitting a child changes their heart, let alone it being considered inappropriate (and in some cases, illegal) today. (Without these concerns, this book would have been fantastic and very highly recommended).

The final three chapters explore the different stages of parenting children aged 0-5, 6-12, and 13+. These are helpful, practical, and detailed, with the encouragement that laying a strong foundation early makes a massive difference later. I appreciated their positivity about how enjoyable the teen years can be.

They finish with three things to remember:

• “Your parenting will neither save your children, nor will it condemn them to hell 
• Your children don’t need perfect parents who have it all figured out. They need humble, faithful, and repentant parents who continually point them to Christ. 
• Let your home be characterized by joy, encouragement, grace, truth, and, yes, fun!” 

Overall, this has many helpful encouragements and suggestions for Christian parents. 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Raising tech-healthy humans

Raising Tech-Healthy Humans, Daniel Sih (2023)

As a parent, how do you feel about technology and your kids? Do the statistics about addiction, risks of pornography or grooming, and increased anxiety in kids hooked on social media scare you?

Maybe you’re excited about the creativity technology offers—your kids design amazing things on Minecraft, or learn to code and play cooperatively with their friends. Maybe it’s a helpful extra babysitter—allowing dinner to be prepared, a bit more work to be done, or just allowing a breather for a moment.

For many parents, all of these things are true, all at the same time! We know that technology has benefits and risks, so we’re trying to figure out a way forward in this screen-saturated world. However, charting that path sometimes feels more like floundering. Questions abound around when to let a child have a phone, what boundaries are needed, how to manage screen time and so on.

Daniel Sih has written a very helpful, succinct and practical book helping parents to think through the main issues and then implement practices that promote healthy tech use. Raising Tech-Healthy Humans is aimed at parents of primary-aged children and under and is designed to be read in less than two hours. It will still have benefit for parents of younger teenagers, but many of these decisions are now being made long before that age. Sih is clear that the book is not aimed at parents whose teenagers are already addicted to their phones, although those willing to re-examine their household’s choices would likely still find much of benefit.

Sih sets the scene with three parenting philosophies that shape tech-healthy parenting. Firstly, we are raising adults, not children. So, our long-term goal is to train them for the real world, able to cope with the challenges of adult life, ‘building their character muscles for when they need them most’ (p. 6).

Secondly, we need to prioritise healthy brain development, particularly higher brain skills of thinking, processing and planning. Our lower brain systems are important for emotional responses as well as impulses and reactivity; they provide safety systems when we’re in danger (for example, the ‘flight or fight’ response). But the problem with technology is that it overstimulates the lower brain: ‘electronic media has a significant role in causing children to enter a state of hyperarousal, leading to chronic stress in the developing brain’ (p. 13). This is why kids are so grumpy when the screens turn off—they’re super-activated and full of adrenaline. This can then impede the development of higher brain function. Sih draws a distinction between passive and interactive media, which he terms ‘lean back’ or ‘lean forward’ technologies, encouraging more ‘lean back’ options, such as television. We all instinctively spot this difference— everyone’s usually satisfied at the end of an episode of Lego Masters but when you turn off Fortnite mid-game, uproar ensues!

Thirdly, Sih suggests that limits are essential and in fact, life-giving. He considers both screen time and content limits, as well as creativity with how you control or enable tech time in your home.

Next, Sih builds on these principles and offers practical strategies to set your kids up well for a lifetime of healthy tech use. He calls this the ‘STARTER’ framework:

• Start with self: consider your own tech habits and make changes where necessary.
• Take it slow when adopting tech. Sih busts the three prominent myths parents fall for regarding when to get their children various technology: safety, it will stop the nagging and that it’s educational.
• Age-appropriate tech that can be ‘graded up’ as they grow up—with suggestions about digital contracts, filtering and parenting controls.
• Regularly talk about tech and how your kids experience it—what they like, what they don’t like—and share in their interests.
• Tech-healthy rhythms are important for families, including tech-free times (especially meals, sleep and car trips).
• Encourage tech-free adventures and family time—provide a better alternative to what the screen offers.
• Rely on others: parent in community and help each other out with these issues.

Over the whole book is a strong sense of grace. We are all imperfect parents, with real struggles and real mistakes. None of us parent perfectly, and in the tech space we’re all finding our way as we raise the first generation of true digital natives. Sih is honest about his own mistakes and there is no feeling of judgment as you read it—more a sense of ‘we’re in this together; let’s do better’. Technology has brought us some great gifts—we can video chat with extended family who live far away, we can play interactive games together, we can share music playlists and grow in our appreciation for each other’s tastes. Yet we can also choose to say no and reclaim time together in person which refreshes, relaxes and restores.

The version of the book I read was a ‘Christian parenting special edition’. I suspect very little was different from the original version, besides the addition of a preface and Bible verses at the beginning of each chapter. The preface encourages us to view this issue through a more biblical lens. Tech can create a massive idol, tempting us and confronting us with our sinful desires to be in control, to be always available, to seem important, to want to impress others and to promote ourselves.

So, if you have younger children and are struggling to know how to chart a healthy family path in the tech space, Raising Tech-Healthy Humans is a great book to help you out. In addition, let’s take Sih’s advice and be communities that talk about how we use tech, how we make decisions about it, and where we struggle. Let’s walk alongside one other, as we all seek a healthy balance:

‘Let’s enjoy the best of the online world but not be diminished by too much technology, and raise a generation of healthy, faith-filled kids who love God and love others in beautiful, life-giving ways.’ (p. xv)

This review first appeared on Growing Faith. 

I was given a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Parenting Ahead

Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years, Kristen Hatton (New Growth Press, 2023) 

This is a really helpful resource for parents whose children are in the teen years, or will be in the future.

Hatton writes a grace filled message that encourages and challenges parents to consider what their goals of parenting are, and how they are shaped by the gospel. 

Part 1 starts with the reason for “long-range redemptive, hope-filled parenting.” She encourages perseverance and hope (in God’s faithfulness and in our security and transformation in Christ) as our main guides for the journey: 

“What an amazing opportunity you have now to help build that foundation for your younger children with biblical principles, boundaries, convictions, and honest conversations that will help them when they face the challenges of adolescence.”

Part 2 focuses on some of the pitfalls that hinder along the way.

• Parenting styles - both overparenting and underparenting and the consequences of each. 
• Idols & the way they impact us as parents, such as a desire for control, comfort, success and the fear of man. 
• The influence of the world. Here she includes a helpful table that works through the numerous main messages our world today, and then considers them in light of the gospel and how to adapt them to fit God’s truth. 
• Stop hurrying the hurt - that is, allow things to be hard and for your kids to experience natural suffering and pain. Not only does this reflect the reality of the world, it will grow and mould them. 

Finally, Part 3 considers what living redemptively might look like. This will include confessing sin, being open about our idols and our struggles, and offering mercy and forgiveness to each other - for parents and children alike. She proposes ways to continue to move towards our children: with connection, active listening, no nagging, no shaming, identifying, and normalising taboo topics. She challenges families to consider where their time, effort and money goes, and encouraged slowing down, saying no, and setting boundaries.

“Now we would likely all agree that apart from a relationship with Christ, family is our number one treasure. But I wonder if an honest assessment of our time and finances would show this to be functionally true.”

Hatten finishes with the encouragement and exhortation to grow in grace, manage our own guilt about our parenting, and cultivate compassion for our children and ourselves.

“I hope growing in grace leads to you being an agent of grace in the lives of your kids.”

Each chapter finishes with questions to assist you to apply the content to your own situation. Appendices provide a list of suggested other resources, and a Redemptive Parenting Assessment as a way of considering your own parenting perspective and priorities and things you might want to change.

Hatten is honest about her own failings, mistakes and regrets, but also shares wise choices and decisions that they made. Overall, she strikes a really helpful balance - acknowledging God is in control, we are sinful and will make mistakes, that no parent is perfect, and that there is no foolproof parenting formula. Yet, at the same time, there are things we can do as parents to be proactive, gospel focussed, and intentional. Worth a read for anyone in or entering the stage of parenting teenagers.


I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Bringing Forth Life

Bringing Forth Life, Jodie McIver (Growing Faith, 2023)

I really liked this book by Jodie McIver, which considers pregnancy and birth from a Christian perspective:

“God uses our pregnancy, birth and new parenthood - in all its intensity, joy and pain - to transform us in knowledge and likeness of him.” (p14)

McIver is well equipped to author such a book, being a midwife with three children, who has studied theology and works alongside her husband in ministry. She wants to bring us to a bigger picture of birth - one which considers God’s role in us shaping us and teaching us, and showing us his mercy and care. While it is for anyone, and certainly partners, family, support people, and those in Christian healthcare would benefit, it is really aimed at pregnant women. In addition, being Australian makes it very relevant for our local context, especially regarding options for birth and how pregnancy care is managed.

McIver first explores the realities of bringing forth life. Chapters consider the bible as the ultimate birth story, the privilege of womanhood, and the good changes that God works in us through pregnancy and birth:

“entry into motherhood involves Christ-like works of taking weakness upon ourselves to bring new life to another. We are privileged to join with God in the high calling of bringing forth life through costly love.” (p33)

I really appreciated her body positive comments about how we physically change through the process of entering motherhood. For those that find the physical marks of childbirth hard and long for the pre-baby body, she encourages us to see that our body “is now an upgraded model, complete with marks of life-giving and costly love” (p42).

The second part explores the uncertainty that this stage of life brings, the additional suffering and pain some bear, options for pregnancy care and various testing procedures, as well as choices for giving birth, yet all the whole reminding of the reality that we are not in control, but our sovereign God is.

The final section section explores being a newborn mother - from the moment of meeting your baby, that range of emotions experienced in the early days and weeks, how family changes and the support we can access around us, summing us with wise and insightful comments on the whole process of matrescence (becoming a mother).

“Although it may feel, at times, like we are losing our lives or ourselves in becoming a mother, what we are experiencing is an opportunity for reorientation and radical new growth in Christ’s image. God understands the true cost of bringing forth life.” (p161)

The whole book deftly balances acknowledging and understanding the challenges many women face with the change into motherhood, yet also encouraging us to see the wonder, joy, and privilege of all aspects of becoming a parent. Biblical themes of labour, birth, and parenthood are highlighted and expounded. All of this is embedded in God’s promises and character, and links are regularly drawn between God’s loving and sacrificial care for us and how that can be echoed in how we care for our children. She offers balanced perspectives throughout, honouring choice and options, with a clear respect for the gift of life.

This is an excellent book. Highly recommended reading for any Christian entering parenthood (especially motherhood), and for those who support them. I wish I had it when I was pregnant!

I was given a pre-release ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Families in God's Plan

Families in God’s Plan, Harriet Connor (Growing Faith, 2021)

This online bible study resource is mainly for parents who want to explore their family’s purpose and place in God’s plan. Harriet Connor, author of Big Picture Parents, has provided 12 studies that consider families as being part of creation, affected by the fall, redeemed by Christ, and called to love God and others. While encompassing a definition of family to be extended and multi-generational, the focus is mainly for parents and primary caregivers.

The studies are designed to take about 45 mins, with questions exploring relevant Bible passages, suggestions for how to apply it to your own life, and a Psalm to prompt prayer. An additional “Parents’ Talking Point” box is included at the end of each study.

Over the course of the studies, Connor considers the place of families:

• in creation 
• in a fallen world 
• in the line of Abraham 
• on the foundation of God’s law 
• in God’s family 
• in the light of eternity.

As such, there is a real breadth covered, as well as enough depth for contemplation. I feel the real benefit of these studies will be for parents. Those who take time over the studies and the talking points to discuss the points raised, will likely find it a great opportunity to recheck or even realign their family’s priorities and goals. For those familiar with God’s promises and the overall structure of the bible, there won’t be anything strikingly new here. However, having it all together in one resource is very helpful. I would recommend it for any Christian couple becoming parents or in the earlier years of parenting, or for those who have not really considered their parenting from a Christian lens before.

I had just a few hesitations:

• Study 2 refers to “significant psychological challenges” children have to overcome if not born in a healthy marriage with stable relationships with both parents. This could set up parents in different situations to feel additional burden and guilt. The very large topic of reproductive technologies and surrogacy was raised, but with little guidance or nuance on how to think about it (except to reference a somewhat combative website). 
• Study 8 flags that some Christians think corporal punishment is required. Caution about this view is warranted, rather than just making a general comment either way. 

Overall, these studies are valuable, and will expand anyone’s understanding and vision of God’s plan for families.

[You can purchase them for download here.]


I was given an ecopy of these studies in exchange for an honest review.

Safeguards

Safeguards: Shielding Our Homes and Equipping Our Kids, Julie Lowe (New Growth Press, 2022) 

I continue to be impressed by the resources that Julie Lowe provides parents. As a biblical counsellor, mother of six, and author of Child Proof and Building Bridges, she has much wisdom and experience. Her new offering, Safeguards, encourages parents to “establish a home and a worldview that protects your children.” Her overarching principles are that: 

1. We live in a broken, fallen world.
2. We teach children to navigate the world by helping them learn to discern good from evil and right from wrong. Safety skills are a fruit of this. 
3. Yet, we trust that our safety ultimately rests in the hands of our God. 

She opens with wisdom as the foundation for equipping children with safety skills. This recognises the dangers in our modern world that is technology rich, peer influenced, and self-oriented. Yet, as in every age, our hearts are sinful and our motivations are never pure, and we are called to be salt and light. Neither worry nor denial are safety skills, and we don’t want to raise fearful kids, but equipped kids. A parent’s role is to know their children, where they are vulnerable, and to equip them discerningly for the realities of life and things they may experience. 

 The middle section covers numerous areas in which to equip children with safety skills. This covers a wide range of topics and scenarios:

• sexual abuse 
• teaching kids to evaluate behaviour 
• using role play to practice managing situations 
• key topics to discuss: abuse, sex, respect & privacy, when it’s OK and not OK to be uncomfortable, and being able to say no 
• technology and how to use it 
• bullying, if kids get lost, sleepovers, babysitters, & safety plans. 

Each has wise advice and suggestions, acknowledging that each family will make their own decisions. 

The final section considers safety with teenagers and young adults. The chapter headings give a fair idea of what is covered: 

• Teenagers needs genuine relationships with God and their parents
• Comparison, peer pressure and treating others with respect 
• Sex and dating 
• Social media and technology safety 
• Pornography and sexting 
• Alcohol abuse, drugs and smoking/ vaping 
• Navigating mental health struggles (of kids and their friends) 
• Safety skills for growing independence - when in public, driving, etc. 
• Online dating, consent, and campus life 

Lowe finishes with the comfort and encouragement that God is our refuge and strength and very present help in trouble. Whatever situations we and our children will face, we can still turn to the Lord for help. 

Some parents may read this and feel overwhelmed. But much of it is proactive, wise, common sense applied to the challenges of parenting. Only some will be applicable for the stage you are at, so you can read what is relevant and come back to the rest later. The advantage of this information in one book means that it may operate as an alert to remind you of things you have put off addressing with your kids, or may raise issues you have not yet thought about. A helpful resource for parents. 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Building Bridges

Building Bridges: Biblical Counseling activities for Children and Teens, Julie Lowe 

A few months ago, I reviewed Caring for the Souls of Children, and concluded it was an excellent tool for biblical counsellors, parents and mentors as they reach out to children pastorally and biblically.

This new book by Julie Lowe (author of Child Proof) is an excellent companion volume to that book, focussing on assisting those who want to provide more specific counsel to children and teenagers:

“This book aspires to help counselors, families, and other caring adults to build bridges—life-giving, gospel-infused connections—with young people in our sphere of influence.”

Young people need people who will love them, listen to them and then offer a wise path forward:

“Young people … need wise adults who are willing to enter their world and experiences. They need us to sit with them and feel what life is like in their shoes, and they need a vision for something beyond such experiences. They need hope that there is more to their lives than their current circumstances, and they need us to find winsome ways to point them to the Lord.”

Lowe addresses different stages of development and how we need to be aware of them as we talk to young people. She makes some helpful observations on character and temperament, with temperament being more innate characteristics, and character being more learned moral behaviour.

“In seeking to understand and help a young person, it is prudent to ask when issues are developmental and when they are moral (sin) issues. Is a challenging behavior a result of willfulness and sinful desires, or just immaturity? Initially it is not always obvious. But with wisdom, time, and a willingness to engage with a child’s struggles, clarity will often develop.”

Chapters also address the importance of involving parents, and a biblical rationale for using expressive activities with children:

“Expressive activities are demonstrative, winsome ways to draw out what is going on in the heart and mind of an individual. Each activity is both expressive (meaningful and communicative) and projective (symbolic of their inner world) and seeks to find ways to understand individuals and help them grow. The activities are used to help uncover a person’s thoughts and feelings in a nonthreatening, indirect fashion.”

“I like to think of expressive therapy as “creational counseling”—using things in nature to remind us of biblical truths and point us to the Lord. It would seem both winsome and wise to use his creation to woo those we counsel to what is true, right, and good.”

Lowe then turns to practical principles and application, the skills needed to draw out children, and ways to engage well, such as giving instruction one at a time, being simple and clear, asking open questions and letting children explain what they have done in an activity. All reasonably basic reminders of things many will know but sometimes forget to practice.

The second half of the book gives many examples and activities of ways to interact with children. Starting with methods for drawing them out, she covers strategic use of storytelling and books, talking about superheroes and villains, role playing, sand trays, art and other activities.

Then follows numerous activities to understand children, their families, their heart, relationships, and challenges. All are very helpful and will be a springboard for many to assist with their own resources. Those in professional counselling will already use or be aware of versions of these, and will find them easily adaptable to their own purposes.

Then there are numerous expressive activities that speak into children’s hearts and challenges, bringing God’s word to bear in ways that are understandable, relatable and applicable. Those familiar with the idea of fruit & thorns from How People Change or any of the CCEF courses will recognise elements. 

She concludes by encouraging readers to unleash their own creativity, adapting these resources for their own use and in their own ways. Those who buy the book, will also find they have access to pdf downloads of all activities for their own use.

A comment I found helpful throughout was the reminder that those who have skills working with young people are not necessarily inherently gifted to do so, but rather it comes through hard work, persistence and a desire to care:

“Working with young people may appear to be an innately God-given gift, but it is really a fostered expertise and aptitude that grows when we commit ourselves to knowing and loving this community well. Let’s lean into the truth, wisdom, and encouragement of God’s Word as our foundation as we seek to best steward the ministry he has given us. It is a privilege to serve on the front lines of ministry as a counselor, and to seek to winsomely connect a struggling young person to the heartbeat of Christ.”

As I said with Caring for the Souls of Children, you shouldn’t read this and then expect to be fully equipped to counsel children. Rather, this would be one of many resources you would want to have before you proceed. But the wisdom and insight contained within will encourage those who counsel children (both ‘officially’ and ‘unofficially’) to consider creative ways of doing so as they reach out to young people with hope.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Note: I use the Australian spelling for counsellor myself, but when quoting the book, use the American spelling counselor

Caring for the Souls of Children

Caring for the Souls of Children: A Biblical Counselor's Manual, edited by Amy Baker

This great resource, edited by Amy Baker with numerous contributors, speaks to many situations that children face, and provides biblical counsellors and parents with tools and advice to address them pastorally and with care. 

It begins by addressing foundational and methodological issues, first noting that the implications of the gospel are as relevant for children as they are for adults, and then some implications of counselling children:

“For children, the struggles, desires, and hopes are no different than for those of us who are adults. Therefore, the counsel we provide for them should lead them to the same place—the good news of Jesus Christ.”

“As counselors, we need to be reminded that the answers from Scripture are not too hard for children to grasp... Like adults, children need to wrestle with sin and suffering and be led to see a sovereign, merciful God at work.”

Her first goal is to counsel parents to counsel their own children.

She then outlines “seven structural components for counseling that can be a backbone for your counseling. These key elements are 1) show love and begin to build a relationship, 2) gather relevant data, 3) evaluate the problem biblically, 4) share biblical hope, 5) provide biblical instruction, 6) assign practical homework, and 7) involve the parents.”

Then there are charts of covering six stages of development from age 3-18, covering physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual changes.

All of these provide a framework, which is then used as the focus turns to numerous specific counselling issues that are addressed by different authors.

Children and their relationships includes leading children to Jesus, the relationship with parents and friendships.

“Parents and children alike often feel they are in a bitter struggle against each other. Parents want respect and obedience. Children want freedom and independence. These two desires clash in most parent-child relationships, even in the households with the healthiest dynamics. In all families there is a level of tension and a pull to navigate the issues of authority versus emerging independence.”

I found comments on friendships insightful, including that:

• friendships are hard and often require sacrifice 
• friendships ultimately point to someone greater 

The next section was children and their emotions, and included helping those who are anxious, angry, dealing with shame, and what to consider after a suicide attempt.

“Let your child know they are not alone. Pursue meaningful conversation with your child. Be proactive in addressing hard topics they are bound to face in their world. Be a redemptive guide speaking into the corruption they will be forced to weed through. Let them know there is One who fights on their behalf.”

“To solve a child’s anger problem, you must target the source of his anger—his heart... While it is true that anger ultimately stems from the heart, it is crucial to ask what other contributing factors may be present. Considering the heart gives a deeper understanding of anger problems; considering the situational factors gives a wider understanding. Understanding the wider context of your counselees’ lives will help you be more patient, compassionate, and creative as you work with them. Discerning these various facets of a child’s struggle requires wise, patient questioning and good listening.”

Children and their bodies addresses talking about sex, sexual identity, children who self harm, and those with a disability or disease. All were balanced, helpful, compassionate and contained wise advice.

While the following quote was related to self harm, it still applies in numerous circumstances:

“Most parents experience at least one shocking discovery about one or more of their children. Life is going along as well as can be expected and with a blinding flash and deafening roar trouble strikes. When that happens, it’s easy to lose your bearings and to react with fear and anger to the trouble you see in front of you. But when you discover that your child is self-harming, remember at that moment in time, you will be your child’s first counselor. Whether you wish to or not makes no difference. The option before you is to either occupy that role as best you can by God’s grace, or to do poorly by responding with all your fear, hurt, and disappointment in plain view. You get one opportunity in that moment to respond in a helpful, biblical way. Start with asking God to help you and then listen to your child.”

The final section, children and trauma, covers abuse, children of divorce, facing grief and death, and children not living with their biological parents.

I come to this book more from the perspective of a parent, rather than a biblical counsellor, but I think there is application and relevance for both.

Some of my observations were:

• Each chapter is structured around an actual example, containing the detail as of a child and their situation. This is then used as springboard to consider the wider issue. It’s a helpfully concrete way in to considering the issue being addressed. 
• Numerous authors refer to the Psalms as a way in to talking with children and giving them the language they need. This reflects the reality that children can gain as much truth, comfort, instruction and wisdom from Scripture as adults, and we should desire to lead children to these truths and help them find ways to absorb them and apply them to themselves. 
• Every chapter has a ‘word to parents’, making this book extremely accessible to carers as as well as biblical counsellors. These assist parents to reach out and care for their children, while being aware of their own struggles. 
• It's a little surprising there is no chapter on depression, or mental health challenges generally.  
• You shouldn’t read this and then expect to be fully equipped to counsel children. This would be one of many resources you would want to have before you proceed. However, the wisdom and insight contained within will encourage those who counsel children (both ‘officially’ and ‘unofficially’) to consider how the gospel impacts all aspects of a child’s life and circumstances, and how to journey with them to see the Lord is for them and with them. 
• Similarly, it’s true that God’s word is indeed sufficient, but it needs to be applied wisely, well and appropriately. This book is a help to that end, but not the only resource and skills you would want. Some chapters (eg the one on abuse) really only started to address the issues, rather than being comprehensive. 

In conclusion, this is a good guide for parents, caregivers and counsellors as they reach out to children, helping them to see God is at work, is in control and loves them, through the complexities of life.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Note: I use the Australian spelling for counsellor myself, but when quoting the book, use the American spelling counselor

Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids

The One Year Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids, Nancy Guthrie

If you are a parent, I highly recommend this devotional book by Nancy Guthrie. It combines a one-year bible reading plan with commentary and prayers for parents. So, not only are you getting your daily input of bible reading organised and suggested for you, she has picked something each day to comment on and respond to which is relevant to your life situation.

There are four bible readings each day: Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms (covered twice) and Proverbs. I was a little surprised by the decision to spread the Proverbs over the whole year, with only a verse or two a day. However, the decision to cover the New Testament only once over the year, meant it could be read in a little more detail than some other reading plans.

Increasingly, devotional books do not actually dwell in the bible, rather they dwell in the author’s thoughts about the bible. But here, if you take the time to read the assigned passages, much more time is spent in the actual word of God, which is richer by far.

Guthrie extends your thinking though, by offering a commentary on one of the passages, in a way that is applicable to raising children. There is much to ponder and reflect on here, as well as to be challenged by. Each day finishes with a written prayer to bring before God about the passages read, applicable in some way to parenting.

What I loved was that many passages were not so much praying for your children (although there certainly were those), but so many were praying about our parenting. Our sin, our failings, the grace extended to us, and the mercy that is new each morning. She applies the scalpel of God’s word to parents and challenges them to consider their own hearts and motivations. She reminds parents that God is also parenting them: loving them, caring for them and comforting them in their struggles. She exhorts parents to live godly lives that speak grace to their kids and to speak the gospel into their lives.

Yet, there are also numerous prayers to bring our children to the Lord, change their hearts, grow them in fruit of the spirit, change them to be like Christ, and prevent them from conforming to the ways of the world.

I did use it for a year and found it to be very encouraging and very challenging about our parenting, and I am about to start it all over again. It made me more biblically prayerful for my kids and it grounded me in God’s word. Highly recommended.

Parenting

Parenting, Paul David Tripp

I came to this book wanting to love it. I was ready to love it. After all, I have greatly appreciated much of Tripp’s other writing, notably Age of Opportunity (about teenagers), What Did you Expect? (about marriage) and Dangerous Calling (about ministry). Tripp has a lot of wisdom and he is skilled at applying the bible and God’s grace to many aspect of Christian living.

In the end, I liked it but I did not love it. Let me start with the positives.

Subtitled: 14 Gospel Principles that can radically change your family, he openly acknowledges this is a book that is meant to reorient us, to bring us back to the gospel in every aspect of parenting. He wants us to see our role as ambassadors, we are to represent Christ to our children.

“parenting is not first about what we want for our children or from our children, but about what God in grace has planned to do through us in our children”

He reminds parents they have a calling to introduce his glory and grace to our kids. We have been given grace, so that we move “toward them as a sinner in need of grace needing to confront a sinner in need of grace”. I appreciated the reminder that God is parenting us as we parent our children, we all still need encouragement, correction and growth in maturity.

He reminds parents that God is the one in control and God is the only one who can change their hearts. We are to see parenting as one unending conversation, with the chance to see many “mini-moments of change” along the way. Other gospel principles he addresses along the way include: identity, that they are lost, the idea of authority, foolishness, false gods and the desire for control.

He is frank and honest with parents, which, sometimes, we need to hear:

“What gets in the way of good parenting is the not a lack of opportunity. What gets in the way of good parenting is not the character of your child. What gets in the way of parenting is one thing: the character of the parent.”

However, as I said, I did not love it, and here are some of the reasons why. It would have been great to have some reflection questions and suggestions for prayer at the end of each chapter. This might have helped with focussing a response.

Secondly, the writing style is quite repetitious. He restates the same thing numerous times in various ways, presumably for emphasis, but it makes the book longer than it needs to be, and it feels long-winded at points.

However, the biggest issue I had was with the tone. It seems to be written because he felt people misunderstood what he was trying to say in Age of Opportunity. So, right away, there is an idea of ‘you’ve got it all wrong, and let me correct you’. This condescending tone continues throughout, with a lot of absolutes: “You cannot…”, “You must…”, “You must never…”, “You cannot allow yourself to settle for anything less.” So, while it is a book about grace in parenting, the book did not feel like it was written with grace for the parent who was reading it.

So, in my opinion, this book comes with a warning. Do not read it when your heart is wounded and you are struggling in your parenting. Rather, read it when you are open to challenge, and want to realign your heart and motivations as you parent.

Parenting First Aid

Parenting First Aid, Marty Machowski

One day every parent will need to read this type of book. It may be when your child leaves home in anger. Perhaps it will be when they are caught for drug use. It might be when your child is the church kid found stealing beer from friend’s garages. Perhaps when worry and anxiety have gotten the better of you. Or when you start to wonder if God really is sovereign and good when it comes to your child and their salvation. With the subtitle being: Hope for the Discouraged, Machowski enters where many other parenting books leave off: what do you do when things get hard? Are you going to turn to God or are you going to try your own strength? Are you going to trust him and his good plans, or reject them when things seem to be falling apart?

“I’ve written Parenting First Aid as a wartime medical kit for parents in the thick of the battle... The goal is to encourage your soul with the Scriptures, to help you gain strength to trust in a God who can capture the heart of the most rebellious son or daughter, and to help you through the most heart-rending parenting situations.”

Machowski writes from his own experience, and that of others, in realising that parenting was not quite as simple as he thought it would be:

“How difficult could parenting be? I planned to simply drive the foolishness from my children with consistent, loving discipline. I firmly believed the Bible verse that promised that if I simply trained my children up in the way they should go, they would not depart from it.”

What he came to realise is that:

[no book or method could] “prepare us for the trials God had planned for us to go through. God wasn’t just after the hearts of our children; he was after our hearts too.”

Rather than another parenting manual which gives advice and suggestions for how to do things better, Machowski has written a devotional. Each of the 20 themed chapters is anchored in a section of the bible, which is expanded in three parts, and finishes with a personal story. Each part raises questions to consider and things to pray about. For parents who take the time to dwell over them, it could become a way to read the bible over a few months as you consider God’s promises and live in light of his grace, mercy and patience. His goal is to drive parents to scripture and prayer through all stages of parenting, especially in the challenges. Parents who are looking for a list of dos and don’ts may not be interested, but they will miss out on a chance to soak themselves in God’s promises and care throughout this stage of life.

It was clear the stories at the end of every chapter were included to be an encouragement about how God can work for good in every circumstance. There were a few times though that I found them a little too neat. So I was relieved to read these words at the end:

“I’ve written the real-life accounts at the end of each chapter to encourage parents with stories of hope and rescue, they are only snapshots into lives of real people who continue to struggle and endure… There are other stories I have not included in this book—ongoing tales of sorrow and heartbreak that God has yet to resolve. I know parents whose children have not yet returned home and remain prodigals. There are parents whose children claim a relationship with Christ but are living for the treasures of this world. Still other parents are estranged from their children and are fervently praying for a restored relationship. In short, this world we live in is broken. Our hope is not in this life, but in a life yet to come. If God has not yet answered your prayers, do not give up. There is no hope in giving up, but there is great hope in trusting God for the salvation of our children and the restoration of our relationship with them.”

This book is suitable for any parent at any stage, including single parents and parents of adult children. There is no assumption in this book that life is neat and ordered for anyone, but that we are all fallen and need grace. If you’re struggling as a parent, there is much in here to remind you of the truths you already know but perhaps may have forgotten: God is sovereign, he loves your children, and he is working for good both in your heart and theirs.

I received an e-copy of this book from New Growth Press in exchange for an honest review.

Child Proof

Child Proof, Julie Lowe

Many parents seek a one-size-fits-all solution. We want simple answers to complicated problems and we want them to work every time.

Yet each family is different, each child is different, each circumstance is different. Our personalities vary, our temperaments differ. Each parent has their own sins, gifts and tendencies, and each child has their own sins, gifts and tendencies.

We fool ourselves into thinking there could be the same solution for every problem.

“It’s what all parents want, right? Safety and a guaranteed good outcome. We want that so much that we are easily persuaded to reach for a parenting formula or recipe—Do this! Don’t do that!—that promises to “childproof” our homes. But parenting formulas not only don’t deliver the promised outcome (safe, happy, never-in-trouble kids), they keep us from parenting by faith. So we miss out on a rich life of trusting God to guide us in knowing and loving our children and guiding them toward love for God and others in ways that are specific to their unique gifts and needs.”

Thankfully Julie Lowe has come to the same realization and shared it with us in her book Child Proof. Lowe is a counsellor with the CCEF, and a mother of six. Right away you feel she knows what she’s talking about and she comes at parenting from a slightly different angle: she first fostered two children when single, fostered two more once married, and then later two more were added to their family.

The book is broken into two parts, the first is where the principles lie: The Foundations for Parenting by Faith.

She starts by freeing parents from the trap of thinking there is only one right way to parent:

“The thing to remember is that, while the biblical principles remain universal and unchanging, the way they are applied in specific ways is unique to each family’s personalities, gifts, difficulties, and circumstances. The way God has structured it, there is much more liberty in how we live out godly principles in marriage and family life than we often give ourselves.”

In fact, what God calls us to is not a formula but faith:

“The answer we need as parents is not a formula for our families. I believe we should be looking at something far more challenging. Instead of providing a parenting recipe, God calls parents to think biblically, wisely, and carefully about what love looks like in their unique family. This calling requires an absolute dependence on godly wisdom, on spiritual discernment regarding my family, and on personal holiness to be what my family needs me to be. The goal is a home centered on Christ.” 

“This means that my ultimate goal is not even the good desires I have for our family, things like peace and quiet and obedient, moral children. My ultimate desire is to be a parent whose life rests on what has been graciously been given to me by the Father, modeled to me in Christ Jesus, and supplied to me by his Spirit.”

We are called to love God and love our children and that will impact the way we parent more than any structure, routine, guideline or expectation:

“But when we are motivated by a love for God and our children, our parenting choices are no longer driven by our need to attain particular results. My parenting is no longer controlled by my personal motives, agenda, fears, or hopes, even when those desired outcomes are good things. When we focus on what our role should be in our children’s lives and on knowing them personally, we focus less on their behavioral improvements and more on how the Lord is calling us to shepherd them.”

She calls us to consider what our families could be like:

“Instead, envision a family where there are imperfect people, many trials, and unwavering love. Imagine a home where brokenness and hope, temptations and forgiveness coexist. Where failures meet mercies that are new every morning. Where all members are in equal need and receive an equal measure of grace.”

There is so much gold in this first chapter. To whet your appetite, it is available online
via the New Growth Press website. Give it a try, I can almost guarantee you will want to continue reading the rest of the book.

The rest of this section addresses how we need to parent centering on Christ – cultivating his character and love in our family life, with the assurance that what he calls us to can never be accomplished by sheer human determination:

“A Christ-centered home means that we are emptying our home of personal agendas, striving to image the Lord before our children. We are striving to love sacrificially, to engage with one another meaningfully, and to pour forth God’s character in all we say and do. It does not mean perfection; it means humility in weakness. It means we give ourselves to him, and his strength is made perfect in our weakness. We become a channel of his life to others.”

Following chapters talk about becoming an expert on your family:

“God has established you as your child’s counselor, educator, discipler, and mentor. As a parent, you are perfectly positioned for this task. Although outside help and professionals can be useful, you are the expert.”

We are to study and understand our children: their skills, gifts, tendencies, weaknesses, fears, behaviors and areas requiring growth.

“It is not enough that we commit to knowing them well. We also want to help them know themselves. We want them to grow in understanding their own heart, their motives, their temptations and tendencies, their strengths, weaknesses, aptitudes, giftedness. We want children to know themselves, to know how to live well before God, and to trust him as Savior, Lord, and helper.”

She addresses how to parent according to the needs of your family: both knowing our children and their situations and how God’s word speaks to that. Discipline and rules are covered and she gives helpful principles for forgiveness, disciplining, and establishing the difference between moral rules and rules that teach life skills. We want to help our children develop discernment and character. Finally, we need to prioritise building bridges to our children and strengthening our relationship with them:

“This means we laugh with our children, we play with them, and look to affirm them and show that we like them. We demonstrate that we know them well and help them to know themselves. We point out their gifts and strengths, and the things we love seeing in their lives. And we gently, graciously show them their weaknesses, sins, and blind spots that they might see their need to depend on Christ. It is always our responsibility to build these bridges; we should never assume that it should fall on the child. They lack the position, the maturity, and the sense of purpose to do so.”

The final section: Parenting by Faith Applied, deals with particular situations, some which will only apply to some, and some to all. She covers:

• Parenting a Difficult Child. This chapter finished with some excellent encouragement for parents from God’s word.
• Parenting an Anxious Child. This chapter closes with thirteen ways to help comfort children from God’s promises.
• Parenting a Child with Disabilities.
• When Your Child Says, “I Don’t Know”. An excellent chapter dealing with an issue I had never fully identified, but face regularly: “children learn that this response keeps them from having to do the hard work of critical thinking or personal self-reflection. They may even avoid accountability, honesty, and vulnerability.” She has some great ideas to encourage conversation when kids claim, “I don’t know”, with the very first being: “Well, if you did know, what would your answer be?”!
• When Your Child Says, “I Am Bored”
• When Your Child Isn’t Thankful
• The Importance of Role Playing and Practice
• Technology and Your Child
• When Your Child Breaks Your Heart

The real benefit of this book will be seen in how we choose to apply it. You could read it, think, “that’s great” and move on to the next book of wisdom that is released. Or, you could stop, work through her instructive questions and suggestions at the end of each chapter, and in God’s grace and wisdom, consider how to parent your children by faith in God and his good plans, despite our sins and weaknesses. That’s where I will turn next – figuring out ways to put some of these principles into practice in my own family.


I received an e-copy of this book from New Growth Press in exchange for an honest review.

The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0

The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0, Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson

This fully revised version of Carr-Gregg’s book caught my eye - its bright pink cover and arresting title tends to do that.   Which also meant I kept it hidden from the prying eyes of my own children.

He outlines the main issues with teenage girls, particularly the ones he defines as ‘Princess B’s’ – the somewhat more extreme version of the teen female.  He charts stages of adolescence and the current pressures at home, school and in cyberspace.

Then he helps parents to think through how to help their teen grow and mature.  He outlines various styles of parenting, concluding that authoritative (rather than permissive or authoritarian) is the way to go.   He has common sense tips and strategies to help with all the main issues, and then some detailed chapters on sex, bullying, alcohol, illegal drugs and mental health.

In the end, it’s a helpful, all-encompassing guide to the main issues girls face and gives practical wisdom and tips for parents.

A couple of things that were helpful:

• When considering the online life, present choices in terms of four ‘P’s’ – people that your daughter should be OK with people seeing about them online – that is - parents, police, school principal or a paedophile.  If you wouldn’t want those 4 groups to see what you are doing or saying online, don’t do or say it.
• There were many references to other resources, such as how to talk with your children about pornography (itstimewetalked.com.au) and helpful tools for mental health (eg. MoodGym, Brave Program, etc)

One of the things I find with secular parenting books is the lack of an overall reason for the parenting strategies, or an overall goal to where you are headed.   It was highlighted most clearly with the questions that girls ask themselves at different ages:

Ages 10-14 – Am I normal?

Ages 14-17 – Who am I?  Where do I belong?

Ages 17-20 – Where am I going?

We need to acknowledge these are questions young people ask, but parents are left a little stranded if they have no worldview that helps them to enable their daughter to answer them.

As Christians, much of what we teach our kids speaks to these issues.  “Who am I?”  Well, I may be a teenage girl, but I am also a beloved child of God.    “Where do I belong?”   In a community that loves and cares for you.  

In the end, the authority of these books lies with the author, and parents need to decide whether they agree with the principles and strategies proposed.  No higher or wiser authority is cited.  As believers, of course we appreciate the wisdom of parenting experts, but also want to seek the complete wisdom of the author of the universe.

So, this is a great resource for non-Christians who are parenting teenage girls.  Christian parents could find it helpful and practical, but perhaps want to supplement it with other resources as well.

Click

When we get together with couples about to become parents, we talk about many things.   These include prioritising their relationship with God, prioritising their marriage, trusting themselves as new parents, managing their relationships with their own parents, and thinking about their new roles as ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’. 

One specific thing we talk about is the risk of always looking forward to the next stage, rather than finding the positives in the stage you are in.   Those “I wish they could talk”, “I wish they were at school”, “I wish we could skip the tantrums” thoughts.  All very understandable and thoughts many of us will have had at some time or another. 

One of the suggestions to bring this home is to watch the movie Click.   If you find yourself often wishing this too would pass, have a look at it.   It’s a pretty good example of what would happen if you really could skip ahead.   Michael Newman (Adam Sandler) is struggling to balance all that life holds with a young family, and a busy job.  One night, a kind stranger offers him a ‘universal remote’ to help him control his life.   To his amazement, and excitement, the remote actually controls time.   He can skip arguments, mute his wife’s complaining and fast forward to when a project is completed without actually doing the work.    In time, however, it becomes clear that the remote ‘learns’, so the things he skips become skipped regularly – times of intimacy, resolution of problems, years of work.  In time, the things that Michael misses become more and more extreme and in the end, decades pass with him essentially functioning on autopilot.  It is clear that he has become trapped by his own choices. 

At one level, it’s a pretty depressing film, and it has all the usual crassness of most Sandler offerings so you certainly won’t agree with or even like parts of it, but it certainly makes you question your life’s priorities.   It’s worth watching and then thinking about where your life tends to function on auto pilot and anything you might like to think about changing.