You are welcomed

You Are Welcomed: Devotions for when life is a lot, Trish Donohue (New Growth Press, 2023)

This new devotional for women has been both an encouraging balm and challenging prompt to me over recent weeks. It’s structured to last for 10 weeks and is for women feeling burdened, overwhelmed and that life is all a bit too full. Which these days, is most of us! Each day starts with a prompting question, has a short bible reading, two pages of comments, and three questions to consider in more depth. It’s a simple, yet remarkably effective format. It’s also a visually attractive book, which would make it a very nice gift.

Donohue is a skilled communicator, bringing God’s word to bear to our current experience. My daughters and I have previously appreciated her insights in Between Us Girls. In You Are Welcomed, it is clear she knows the challenges of women’s lives today, and is also is honest about our sinful struggles, temptations, and areas where we need to be pushed a little. The overarching message was of the grace and rest offered to us in Christ, coupled with a desire for sanctification and godly growth.

In God’s providence, I have found the opening question of each study to be quite pertinent. The first three days are:

“Which of the following feels overwhelming in your life right now: tasks to accomplish, emotions to manage, choices to make, or relationships to tend? Or is it all of the above? (11)

“Have you considered that productivity can be an idol when it promises peace and joy? Have you found that it delivers the joy it promises?” (15)

“What self-help strategies and books do you tend to rely on more that God and the Bible? What do they promise you?” (19)

I am only a few weeks into this devotional, so I cannot speak with knowledge to the rest of it’s contents, but so far (and with a skim forward), I am very impressed, and thankful for Donohue’s wise use of God’s word in helping us to examine our lives and consider areas for change and growth.

“A life meaningfully engaged with pursuing Jesus and loving others is rarely simple or tidy, but it certainly can be beautiful” (11). Donohue helps to point us again to the beauty of Christ. 

 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Liberated: How the Bible Exalts and Dignifies Women

Liberated: How the Bible Exalts and Dignifies Women, Karen Soole

Note: this review first appeared on Themelios

Everyone who reads the Bible comes across passages that make them deeply uncomfortable and raise questions about who God is, what he values, and how his people behave. I recall my 5-year-old son asking me what rape was after reading his new “grown up Bible” and arriving at Genesis 34. Let alone my own feelings of horror upon reading Judges 19. When you take the accounts of the mistreatment of women in the Bible, and add to them the growing societal view that God is a misogynist, that Christians are patriarchally overbearing, and that the Bible regards women as second-class citizens responsible for the fall, it’s no wonder that we start to ask questions: Is God sexist? Does he value women?

Karen Soole’s refreshing offering, Liberated, seeks to “address the fear that God does not exalt or dignify women” (p. 13). She takes readers from Genesis to Revelation, encouraging them to ask “does God offer me liberation or oppression? Can I trust that God is good?” (p. 14). The bulk of attention is given to the Old Testament, acknowledging it “stands accused of being a book that has been used to establish male power and confine women” (p. 22). She does not “directly address the differences in church practice concerning women’s ministry” (p. 13), noting that this has been done extensively elsewhere.

Over the course of twelve chapters, Soole honestly and sensitively addresses the concerns raised by the presentation and treatment of women in the Bible. She explores both current and historical cultural climates, naming errors in both, for “could it be that that it is the traditions of men, not the Word of God, that is the heart of the problem?” (p. 22). She then turns to show how these concerns are met by the gospel. Each chapter brings the reader to Jesus and what he has done, for women and men alike. So, while this is indeed an informative and well researched work, it is also winsomely apologetic and evangelistic. Each chapter also finishes with questions for further thought or conversation and a small Bible study.

Beginning with creation, we see that “men and women are equally created by God, equal in dignity, and equal in worth” with a “beautiful interdependence and mutuality” (p. 30). Genesis 2 “is not pointing to the imperfection of woman; rather, it reveals the incompleteness of man, he was the one lacking” (p. 37). Exploring the fall, and the accusation that Eve was somehow more sinful than Adam, Soole observes, “Adam and Eve share responsibility, but their sin is defined differently: Eve was deceived, and Adam was disobedient. Both are guilty” (p. 47).

Continuing through the Old Testament, Soole explores the fallout of sin in relationships (e.g., Tamar and Judah) and then arrives at Judges 19, an account of such evil that no one can be unaffected by it:

Why does the Bible describe such ugliness? Not because God approves of it.… It isn’t there to show us how to live but how we do live. It is here because God doesn’t hide from us the depths of savagery we are capable of. We may want to close our eyes and ears to this woman’s cries, but God wants us to see and understand. What happened to this woman is a reflection of what has happened to other young women. (p. 92)

These hard passages are dealt with sensitively and openly. I appreciated Soole’s willingness to deal with almost every uncomfortable presentation of women in the Bible. At points I wondered if these chapters moved a little too quickly past the issues they raised and to the gospel message. Sometimes we need to dwell in God’s compassion and mercy and meditate on how he stands by us in our pain and our distress. Suggestions for how to manage these passages with pastoral sensitivity may also have been helpful, although she models this implicitly.

Chapter 8 (“Worrying Laws”) addresses the Old Testament teaching concerning polygamy, rape, trials, and purification. Soole presents an interesting interpretation of Numbers 5 (the test for an unfaithful wife), suggesting that it is entirely determined by a supernatural answer, rather than being a trial by ordeal. She also suggests that the purification laws of Leviticus 12:1–8, which decree fourteen days of uncleanness after delivering a daughter (compared to seven for a son), could be for physiological reasons, to avoid the temptation of cult fertility practices, and to protect a woman from the retrying for a son too soon after delivery (p. 120). Not all passages that describe intriguing ways of treating women were addressed (e.g., Lev 27:1–9, Num 30–31), but the general principles were mostly covered.

Regarding education and wisdom, she draws on the wise woman of Proverbs 31 and Abigail’s interactions with David (1 Sam 25), noting that God values women with integrity, skills and wisdom, which can be used for good inside and outside the home. By way of application, she argues,

There is considerable freedom for women to engage in intellectual pursuits, choose challenging careers, or work at home or in their communities. But their minds should stir beyond the domestic sphere, and their eyes should be raised far beyond career opportunities. God’s Word encourages women to lift their thoughts to even higher things and to seek true wisdom. (p. 139)

Soole reflects on how the Bible uses the image of an adulterous wife to demonstrate Israel’s rebellion against God. It is a graphic illustration that “is there to help us grasp the impact of our rejection of God and to feel the weight of our indifference and dismissal of God” (pp. 153–54). Finally, she turns to marriage, noting that “some Christians give the impression that marriage is the ultimate goal in life” (p. 157). She honors both singleness and marriage, and rightly laments that a distortion of submission has resulted in the abuse of some women. Instead, “God’s design for marriage is not one of control and ownership but a relationship for the mutual good of the other” (p. 168).

While there is no chapter on Jesus’s interactions with women, many of these are woven throughout as a way of bringing the reader to the gospel (e.g., the woman at the well). There may have been value in drawing these together more explicitly, and including some other passages (e.g., the woman anointing Jesus with perfume, and the Syrophoenician woman).

Her conclusion, straight from God’s heart and written in his word, is that women (and men) are valuable and created in God’s image. God cares for them and loves to protect them, even though there are times when the world’s evil is all too prominent. Yes, all are sinful and fall short. Yet Jesus came to save women (and men), offering them new life—honoured, respected, loved, and redeemed.

While many who are drawn to read Liberated will likely be women, it is a book written for everyone and relevant for all, whether new Christians, those exploring who God is, those established in churches, or those in church leadership.

A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really)

A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really), Rachel Jones (The Good Book Company, 2021)

Bet you didn’t see that one coming! This is such a great book. Yes, it’s anchored in a rather specific topic, but as all women (and many sensible men) know - this impacts a large amount of our lives. Whether it’s the onset of menarche and how girls learn to adjust, or the practicality of tracking your cycle (either for life planning or fertility reasons) for an average of 40 years, to the onset of menopause and the relief or sadness this can bring.

Yet it’s rarely spoken about, even amongst women. So, Jones decided to face that head on, because this is part of who women are, with our bodies given to us by a loving creator and yet with all the complications that come with inhabiting our fallen world:

“Whoever you are, my aim is that you reach the end of this book celebrating who God has made you and how God has saved you, and the fact that he speaks liberating and positive truth into all of life’s experiences - even the bloody ones.” (p. 17)

Jones writes with a strong desire to look at all of life theologically. She begins by explaining how periods work (Chapter 1: So Much Potential). This is done so well, with a mix of facts and humour. I loved her comments on various hormones:

“Progesterone is a nurturing soul who's there to support a pregnancy if you need her to, but she's got great health benefits too, like building bone tissue. She's the kind of hormone who would prefer a “gathering” to a house party, and who can sometimes be found crying in the bathroom."

Moving on she considers how amazing it is that God has created the human body, including the wonder that a women can grow a baby. All of this means that periods are part of God’s plan and his creation:

“[Periods] are not beyond the scope of theology; nor are they somehow so gross as to be beneath the category of a discipleship issue. Since our bodies are important, and since our female bodies are doing something particular…we should expect that this will affect us physically, emotionally and spiritually, to one degree or another.” (p. 30)

The pain and discomfort of periods and childbirth, and the struggles and grief of infertility remind us that our bodies are finite and affected by the fall (Ch 2: So Much Pain). We are weak, and we suffer, and we can find comfort that Jesus enters into our suffering and he takes away our sin. He is beside us in our weakness, yet he also redeems us, and uses our weakness for good.

Jones then turns to the reality that many women feel: it’s not often about the pain, but rather about the shame (Ch 3: So Much Mess). Most women have a horror period story, and it’s all shame related: what someone saw, or what happened when you were unprepared. Here she explores Leviticus and the law on women and discharges, offering some ideas about why God made the law this way. She has wise things to say here, about cleanness vs uncleanness vs holiness; and then takes us to the New Testament to see that true uncleanness comes from our hearts, not our bodies. She also interacts with the Period Pride movement, showing both its value and its limitations.

Throughout Jones makes some helpful links about how a period can be a reminder of other truths, here is one she suggests: a period is a reminder that our true uncleanness comes from our hearts and what we say and do, not what comes out of our bodies. Do we stop each month and consider our hearts?

Chapter 4 (So Many Feelings) celebrates that we are created to feel a range of emotions, and there can be a wonderful variety to them. Yet, the reality is that hormones do impact women, and we need to consider our behaviour and how we act at these times. One of my own personal statements around this in our household is “it might be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse”.

"Turn to Google for wisdom on managing hormone-related emotions or outbursts and the majority of advice you'll find essentially boils down to self-care, self-justification and self-acceptance.

The Bible would have us start in a different place. What it offers is no less comforting than any of those things, but rather a whole lot more: Christ's care, Christ’s justification and Christ's acceptance of us. That's the place to start, whatever the struggle or seen that we’re dealing with and on whatever day of the month we are facing it." (p. 77)

Finally (5: So little time) considers menopause and the reminder it is of our mortality and that our time on earth is short. I like where she goes with this, leading us to consider how seriously we taking Jesus’ commission to make disciples of all nations with the time that God gives us. A period could be a cause for reflection:

"What disciple making have I done this month? Where have I nurtured spiritual life? Have I played a part in bringing new spiritual life into the world? …

We can take Day One as a moment to check our priorities and re-commit ourselves to the great commission." (pp. 96-97)

She finishes with the reminder that Christ’s blood shed for us will wash us clean:

"Blood speaks. Right through this book we have seen how our periods speak both of curse and blessing, of groaning and gift, of pain and beauty, of Abel and Christ, of sin and salvation. They are, in a way, a jarring picture of what it means to live in a mixed-up world on its way to redemption… Life in a woman's body might sometimes make us weep; but from that day onwards, our tears will turn into joy." (p. 109)

An appendix addresses questions and answers. Two that stood out to me was to include discussion about periods and how they affect a woman in marriage preparation for couples, and for pastors to be willing to speak about women’s health issues from the pulpit. Wise advice.

All in all, this is an excellent book. Jones has the right balance of Biblical and theological consideration, wisdom, honesty, humour and challenge. It will have obvious appeal for many women, and there would be great benefit for teenage girls as well, although some aspects of it may go over their heads. Of course, men will also benefit from reading this. All of us should long to understand more of the lives of those around us, with a God-honouring framework that both encourages and challenges.

Refresh

Refresh, Shona and David Murray

“Over many years, and through many struggles, the Lord has … taught me, and is teaching me, how to live a grace-paced life in a world of overwhelming demands.”

Are you overwhelmed? Are you close to, or at, burnout? Is everything just too much? Many women find there is a time in their life where they ask these questions. Shona and David Murray experienced their own burnout, and found refreshment and healing through trust in God’s sovereignty, care and love, and by facing the reality of their over-paced lives and the limits of their physical bodies. This volume for women is a companion to David’s Reset, which husband found very helpful and shared with the men on his staff team. Shona’s own story is one of burnout with young home-schooled children while working as a doctor and with a husband in ministry. Her experience may be unique, but she speaks situations that many of us are familiar with. Refresh includes single women and those without children, but the main focus feels as though it is for married mothers.

I have read this book twice in recent years. Once a few years ago on long-service leave, and now in the middle of Covid-19 isolation. I am not on the brink of burnout, nor am I currently overwhelmed by demands. For me, in many ways this current season has been one of lower output and fewer deadlines. However, it’s been a time to allow for reassessment and reflection. Where might cracks be appearing? How close are we running to the edge? What level of busyness do we want to return to? We watch others around us take stress leave and need professional help, and consider our own frailties at the same time. So, whether you are currently struggling with the pace of your life, or just want to be aware of what the warning signs might be, this book is worth reading.

It is structured around the concept of ten stations at a gym, the first being Reality Check. Murray provides a process for readers to assess their own state, asking questions to flag warning signs in physical, mental, emotional, relational, vocational, moral and spiritual areas. Then you consider how wide, deep and long you have had symptoms in each area. Her analysis is that if you have warning signs in a couple of areas, and particularly in spiritual or moral areas, you need to address things straight away.

She encourages women to analyse their situation and the effects of their lifestyle, noting the main areas of danger which include idolatry, materialism, debt, indiscipline, diet and perfectionism. She starts with a helpful reminder of God as creator, and who he has made us to be as wonderfully amazing, complex and limited humans, who are affected by sin in all areas.

Then comes an exploration of the value of sleep, noting that sleep proves our trust that God is sovereign and that we are finite. I appreciated this chapter for I am increasingly convicted of the theological importance of sleep, and it is something that can often be ignored. Another chapter examines resting, stopping and relaxing, encouraging time out in each day, the week (a day of rest) and the year (vacation). As she notes: “Every Christian wants to know God more; few Christians fight for the silence required to know him”. For those who want to explore rest (but not sleep) in more detail, you might be interested in the recent secular offering: The Art of Rest.

She expounds the need for regular exercise, and also a healthy diet. There is detailed consideration about medication for depression and other mental health issues. Murray is a GP and I found her to be balanced and wise, she concludes it is a blessing of God for those who need it. She encourages women to consider what fills up their tanks and what empties them and to wisely manage both, so that we can find purposely find refreshment and be aware of depletion.

There is time spent thinking about our identity. Both in Christ and as a forgiven sinner; as well as in our relationships, and the unhelpful identities we may give ourselves that may need tweaking. Part of our identity includes acknowledging our weaknesses as well as our strengths and how they are redefined through Christ.

One gym station reflects on the weights we carry through life:

“By the time we are 40, we are carrying mortgage and credit card debt, work problems, husband and children worries, healthy issues, church conflicts, car repairs, and healthcare premiums, and on and on it goes… The weights accumulated imperceptibly; they multiplied a little every year until life slowly yet inexorably crushed us. Now, our minds are frazzled, our hearts are pounding, our bodies are breaking down, our relationships are straining, our sleep is declining, our quality of work is suffering, and our happiness is a distant memory.”

She considers the idea that there are two ways of operating: the well-planned life and the summoned life, challenging women to see that planning, having a purpose and making appropriate decisions are preferable to living entirely in response to circumstances. But we still need to be able to respond to situations, and so we seek balance. To figure out what this might looks like she considers purpose, planning, and pruning, and how purpose is particularly needed in five areas: our spiritual, family, vocational, church and family lives.

Towards the end, there is encouragement for women to prioritise their relationships: with God, our husbands, our children, friends and older women, noting all are important and probably should operate in that order.

I appreciated Murray’s wisdom, grace and honesty throughout. You can tell that she has lived the overwhelmed life and has experienced major burnout and depression. Yet she has learnt from it and found a better way forward. That better way is multifaceted. It is spiritual refreshment and a willingness to sit at our Lord’s feet. It is a recognition that sin plays a part in all aspects of our lives. It is acceptance that we have limited bodies that need care and maintenance. It is allowing our community to come alongside us and be with us in our struggles.

“The key is to grasp that pacing ourselves is biblical, whereas living the fast, frantic life is not. It takes faith to believe that and to follow through with it. To live it is in fact a dying to self – a dying to our self-will, our self-sufficiency, and our self-image. Have you understood frantic living versus grace paced living in that way before?”

Murray offers wise words and advice we would do well to heed.

“God’s calling to each of us is unique, and he takes great delight in us when we serve him in it … He does not demand burnout. He rejoices to see us taking biblical care of the bodily temple he has gifted to us and is delighted when we live conscious of our weakness and in total dependence on his daily refreshing grace.“

A slightly edited version of this was first published on TGCA.

Her Story

Her Story, Diana Lynn Severance

This collection of 366 readings is a mostly chronological covering of women of faith from Mary, the mother of Jesus, to present day. Severance has sorted and collated a massive amount of historical material, and made each reading one page of basic information about the woman and how her faith played out in her life.

I did indeed read one day for a year and found it to be an encouragement and challenge to consider how other women have lived in various times and places and circumstances, yet remained faithful to the Lord.

If a collection is made of women of faith, you can tend to pick the women who will be there: Sarah Edwards, Hannah More, Monica (mother of Augustine), Susanna Wesley and Joni Eareckson Tada. Most collections cover the same women again and again. All are great to learn about, but the advantage of this is the breadth of women included. Even if you are reasonably well versed in biographies of Christian women, chances are there will be hundreds here you have never heard of.

The early readings about women of antiquity and the Middle Ages were so encouraging: women who were queens, or faithful mothers, or early authors. Of course, there is less information for these ages, so by February you are into the Reformation and that becomes harder reading, with numerous accounts of persecution and martyrdom. We are into the 1800s by July and well into the 1900s by October. Only a handful of women included are still alive.

It was an encouraging way to spend a year, learning more about faithful women from over two millenia. There is a joy to see people who have chosen to live for Christ in every age and this is a wonderful example for us to follow. At the same time, because each account was so brief, and much of it presented in a measured, factual way, it felt like a surface treatment. Many truly tragic circumstances were presented so baldly that it didn’t give you chance to fully appreciate the gravity of what was being described. I would have loved more details for many. For those who would like to delve further into historical writing covering more details of some women, you could try Severance’s other work Feminine Threads: Women in the Tapestry of Christian History.

There wasn’t enough time to analyse real faults and failings, many were presented with an awkward sort of perfection, and so increasingly they set a standard that many women would struggle to emulate. Many of the women of the reformation onwards were highly educated, very pious, spoke numerous languages, translated the bible and still had families, which could well leave the modern women thinking: how is that even possible?

It is true that numerous women who struggled with ill health and hard circumstances were included, but the challenges of sin and maintaining godly living weren’t really present. I didn’t get the sense that these women struggled with the same sins I do.

I imagine collating any list of women of faith over that time would require limits. I was surprised some women warranted two entries, for example Queen Elizabeth I, Florence Nightingale and Sarah Edwards, yet some were obviously missed out such as Queen Elizabeth II or perhaps Nancy Guthrie. I wonder whether permission was needed to include women who are still alive, because I suspect more could be found for the current ages. It also felt like a very Europe and America centred list. Few women from Asia or Africa rated a mention, I think there was one Pacific Islander and one woman who was born in Australia.

The final month or so were mainly missionaries, which is a great encouragement. However, surely there are also many faithful women living in the 20-21st centuries who did not end up on the mission field? It felt a little unbalanced. Admittedly, these are the women that are known and able to be researched, rather than your average faithful Christian women known only in her local context.

One of the real blessings for me was the collections of hymns and poems that were included, written by various women over the ages. I now have a list of these written out for my own encouragement and for use in prayer. I feel very indebted to anyone who can express the truths of the gospel in poetic form, something that I feel very ill equipped to even try. That has been one of the benefits for me personally.

In summary, it’s an encouraging book that reminds us that women, and of course men, have carried their crosses for Christ in faith from his death and ascension for two thousand years to today. We can read and be encouraged, as well as educated and inspired by those who have come before us. But we should also read with a sense of reality, these are just snippets of information and only represent each woman in part. If you want to find women to truly emulate and model your life on, find a godly Christian woman in your context, talk to her, and get to know her story.

This was first published on The Gospel Coalition, Australia website.

Calm my Anxious Heart

Calm my Anxious Heart, Linda Dillow

The reading recommendations I received recently have all paid off – I have discovered some great books.    This is yet another to add to the list.

Subtitled: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment, Dillow addresses the issue many women face – finding true contentment.  We live in a world that tells us we cannot be content, and we also live with our own worries, greed and small view of life that prevent us finding true fulfilment in Christ.

Dillow starts with her own story and struggle towards contentment, emphasising that “true contentment is separate from our circumstances.  Contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs” (p13).    A lack of contentment comes from thinking we can ‘help God out’ and do a better job than he can: “When we take over and try to control what happens, we take our focus of the One who is in control and put our eyes on our circumstances” (p16)

I found this a helpful introduction.  It was then somewhat surprising when the next 4 chapters dealt with various situations: content in circumstances, content to be me, content with my role and content in my relationships.   All of these were helpful though and addressed issues many women have in finding contentment.

Then she dealt with three barriers to contentment: greed, lack of purpose and worry.   This was where I found the book had real strength.  For greed, she addressed real issues over money and whether we truly think what we have belongs to God and is a gift from God.    Practically she looked at credit card debt, seasonal greed (eg. do you always spend too much at Christmas?) and the trap of desiring the temporal rather than the eternal. 

I found the chapter on purpose particularly challenging.  We are to be women of purpose with clear idea of where we are going and why.   I appreciated the reminder that “children are your platform, not your purpose” (p112).  She gave a few examples of women who had defined their life purpose, either by writing a statement of faith, adopting a bible verse which spells out their goals, or writing a prayer to that effect.  What worked for me was the challenge to think about who you want to be at age 80.   Do you want to be a woman of faith, prayer, godliness, contentment, etc at that age?  Well, from now to then, in God’s grace, is the path to there.  I have been working on this idea for myself and have come up with something that works for me. 

The third barrier was anxiety.  She is clear she is not talking about clinical anxiety, but the day to day worries about what might happen.  How anxiety drives us from present day to weary calculation of condition that might never arrive, and how worry is destructive for it changes nothing except the worrier.  As someone who constantly battles worry about what might happen, this was a very helpful warning chapter.

At this point, the book reached the core of what I was expecting in the first chapter – faith is the foundation we need.  Faith is rooted in God’s sovereign, wise and loving character, and faith is based on God’s word not our feelings.  Trusting in God and who He is is where our true contentment comes from.

She finishes with chapters on how to trust God with the ‘what ifs’ (which can lead to anxiety), the ‘if only’s’ (which can lead to anger) and the ‘whys’.  I quite liked the observation:

“I am here (1) by God’s appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for his time.” (quoting Andrew Murray, p181)

It’s solid and bible based, yet with an openness and emotional vulnerability that draws you in.  You could read it with a group, and the edition I had included an extensive bible study guide.   It would also be a good companion read to Compared to Her, which comes at contentment from another angle.  I found it a very useful book.   

Compared to her...

Compared to her…, Sophie de Witt

I was delighted to receive this from a friend for Christmas, at the time it was proving rather elusive to find and purchase. Now, you can get it easily from The Good Book Company.

I read De Witt’s previous book One to One: A Discipleship Handbook and found it thoroughly useful (hence the series through it on in tandem), so I was eager to read her second offering. De Witt takes the bull by the horns in this book and tackles one of the major issues affecting women and where they find their value and worth, introducing us to a new disease – Compulsive Comparison Syndrome (CCS). I would like to meet a woman who does not struggle with this one!

You know the thoughts that run through your mind:

• “How does she keep so fit?” or “At least I am in better shape than she is”
• “How does she manage to work and look after her family so well?” or “I prepare healthy home-cooked meals, we don’t eat take-away like that”
• “She knows her bible so much better than I do” or “I don’t struggle with that sin anymore”

Sound familiar? Whether it’s about money, husbands, children’s behaviour, jobs, appearance, achievements, education, organisational skills or Christian-ness, we spend our lives comparing up and comparing down. Figuring out where we fit on the big scale of comparison is constantly running around in our heads.

She spends the first half of the book identifying the symptoms of CCS, the triggers that can cause us to think that way and how it affects our relationship with God. She identifies the cause – that we have put ourselves at the centre of our lives rather than God, for in essence everything that drives CCS is sin causing us to look for meaning and blessing in idols rather than God.

In the final chapters she clearly identifies the solution. We must restore God to the centre of our lives. Instead of looking to the things of this world for to give us significance, satisfaction and security, we must keep turning back to God for all of these things. Then she gives time to think about how we live today, in this comparative, competitive world and all the struggles with CCS that we have.

She outlines healthy ways we can use comparison:

• Comparing our lives with Christ (yet trusting in grace continuously because our performance does not affect God’s salvation),
• With others, with both Christians and non-Christians

the solution to CCS is not simply to stop all comparisons. It's to find blessed contentment in Christ, and practice healthy comparison. How do we know the difference? By looking at what our comparison produces. If it’s praise to God, prayer for ourselves, and prayer and practical love for others, then it’s healthy. If it’s envy, or despair, or pride, or any other symptoms of CCS, then we’re allowing something other than Christ to be what we look to for blessing. (p78)

• With myself

it’s useful to ask ourselves: Given the particular load God has given me to carry today, have I acted for Him in all the ways I could have done? How does my day compare with the day I could have had? (p84)

I have read this book through a couple of times, and each time have been struck by it. You can read it in a few hours, but you will keep thinking about it for a long time after. I was very aware of the need to pray and ask God for his forgiveness in my struggle with CCS, yet also was reminded of the hope that there is a way forward that honours God and seeks to live a life free of unhealthy comparison with others. It gave me tools to begin to think about how to change and set out on a life as a recovering –CCS sufferer, yet I remain wary of the risks of relapse!

For those who organise such things, this would be a great book to use for any group of women, from youth group age to the more mature, in small groups, in seminars and large groups, and in mentoring. It has a wide application for many people and I can see many women benefitting from this great little book.



Note: later comment referring to this book on When People and Big and God is Small review. 

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, Vicki Tiede

Rarely do you read a book that speaks directly to a certain issue with openness, honesty, vulnerability, gentleness and directness all at the same time. This book is all of those things, as well as being solidly grounded in the truths of scripture and of our loving and powerful Father in heaven.

In writing from her own experience, Vicki Tiede has created a book that many Christian women will thank her for – a resource and guide for dealing with the emotions and upheaval created by discovering their husband has an addiction to pornography. And if the statistics she quotes are true (that 50% of men and 20% of women struggle with pornography addiction, p102) this is a resource needed by many.

It is a delicate and serious subject matter and she has handled it very well. She has structured it around 6 themes (hope, surrender, identity, trust, brokenness, forgiveness), which have been divided into weeks (rather than chapters). Each week has 5 days of material, dealing with different aspects of that theme by searching the scriptures, talking through the issues and inviting response. This is a book to read with a pen ready to write in it – it is almost a workbook.

It is not a book about how to ‘heal’ husbands or anyone who struggles with these issues themselves, but rather to spiritually help those who as a spouse have been betrayed and damaged by such a discovery. For couples who have come through this challenge together, it is possible that it will be helpful reading for the husband to explain some of the things his wife has had to work through.

What is clear and overwhelming as you read it, is that Vicki is keen a wife to see her value in God alone, not through the eyes of her husband or anyone else. She continues to bring the reader back to God and his word, reminding them of his goodness in all situations. She challenges the reader to see the sin in themselves, not just their husbands, and is always looking to find a way forward in growth and godliness, rather than in bitterness and resentment.

As I read it I found that I would readily recommend it to any woman who has found herself in this situation. If that is you, you can read the introduction and the first two days notes via here.

I would love this resource to get into the hands of women who need it. You can buy it here.  I also have two copies from New Growth Press to give away – either paper copies (if you are in the USA or Canada) or ebooks (for the rest of the world). Email me if you would like to go in the running for such a giveaway. (For this giveaway, considering the nature of the book, I will not announce the winners on this blog, I will just email you back to tell you will be receiving a copy and to get your details).  UPDATE: all giveaways gone - you'll have to buy a copy!

for men only

for men only, Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn

Last year I did a series on the book for women only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. I though it was a very helpful book giving insight for women about the man they love. It addressed the way men think and respond to us as women, focusing on the relationship between a husband and wife.

Husband and I have now gotten around to reading for men only and we both though it was just as helpful. It helps to explain women (generally of course), but has observations and insight that many men will find helpful. The topics generally match those in for women only, but explain the female perspective to the male reader. These include:

• that she has an underlying insecurity about the steadfastness of his love, which means she needs him to reassure her of his love.
• how she thinks - like a computer with lots of windows open and running - many often with feeling attached to them. Sometimes she cannot control which thoughts dominate over other ones
• she wants emotional security much more than financial security, although few men truly believe this
• she often really does just want him to listen, not fix it
• if her desire for sex is less that his, it is likely nothing to do with him, but rather how she is made. That is, it is not because she doesn't find him desirable.
• she needs to know he thinks she's beautiful and has eyes only for her

Reading it from a female perspective, I thought it had some good points.  Husband found it helpful to clarify some things I have been trying to explain for years.

I think these books would be good reading for any couple. But you have to be willing to talk about the issues raised. No point deciding 'all women' or 'all men' are like this if you or your spouse aren't. As we read both books, what we were really interested in was the answer to 'is this true for you?'

Worth reading, especially in those early years of marriage, when you are really are still trying to figure each other out!

for women only (part 1)

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

While I hesitate to leap into another book series so soon after finishing Respectable Sins, I really wanted to think about this book in more detail - more detail that a simple one-off post would do - so I am going to tackle this one in pieces over the next few weeks. It won't take too long, it only has 9 chapters, unlike the 21 of the last series!

I found this book fascinating. It is set up as an explanation of what men are really like and tries to explain it to women:

Ever been totally confused by something your man has said or done? Want to understand his secret desires and fears, his daily battles that you know nothing about?...

full of eye-opening revelations you need to not only understand the man in your life, but to support and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Grounded in biblical hope, you will discover how to love your man for who he really is - not who you think he is. (backcover)

I should be clear - this is written from the perspective of marriage, what our husbands like, desire, etc. If that is not your situation however, this book would still be helpful in understanding men generally. There is also a For young women only, written more for younger women, teenagers and it assumes singleness. I have not read this one, but the brief flick I have had through it at the bookstore, suggests it is also worth reading.

In some ways, this book is a very personal read. It talks about the relationships of marriage and how husbands and wives relate (for good or bad). However I thought it would be good to think about it in this forum because:

• it is helpful for all women (married or single) to think about the way men think and act, and to have some framework to put it in
• I would love to have feedback from male readers as to what they think of each point
• similarly, I would love to hear feedback from other women as they read these chapters and are perhaps challenged by them

As soon as I read this book, I got Husband to read it, so that I could ask him if each issue was personally relevant to him. Because, in the end, I don't care if 'all men' think a certain way if mine does not - I want to understand my husband better first and foremost! You may feel the same as you read the posts.

Anyway, join me over the next few weeks and let me know what you think of it all!

Shopping for Time - Part 2

Shopping for time: How to do it all and not be overwhelmed, by Carolyn Mahaney, Nicole Whitacre, Kristin Chesemore and Janelle Bradshaw

Part 2 of 2

Having looked last week at 2 of the 5 tips in Shopping for Time:

1. The 5 am Club
2. Sit Still

I now want to think more about the next 3 tips:

3. Sit and plan. Here the idea is the plan a retreat - time away, a few hours or even overnight on your own and use it as a chance to prioritise and assess all the aspects of our lives. The sample list they had included:

- grow in godliness
- love my family
- serve in the church
- fellowship with Christians
- evangelise non-Christians
- attend to my work
- care for my physical health

Then evaluate each area honestly - what is going well and what needs to change, and how you can grow in that key area of your life. They went through each of these in a bit of detail, for example:

- Grow in Godliness - ask ourselves "how can I make my devotions more fruitful?", and "What is one area where I believe God is calling me to grow in godliness?"
- Love my family - list all our family members and then ask "What is one family relationship I want to give more attention to in this season?" and then "How can I intentionally show my love to this person?"

They go on to helpfully point out that you cannot do everything at once, so you need to ask yourself at the end "What one or two priorities do I want to focus on for the next three to six months, and what steps will I take to grow in each area?"

I found this chapter incredibly helpful. Just to be encouraged to think in a more structured way about all the aspects of my life and how to balance them and prioritise them, rather than chasing my tail in response to various things. I would love to put aside a few hours to do this. And the more I think about, now (Sept/Oct) is the time to do it, for this is the time of year when we (and many other people) start planning the next year - school timetables, holidays, ministry commitments, etc. Having put some time aside into thinking through all those things makes us much better equipped to think through our response (be it yes or no) when asked to consider taking on something new.

4. Consider people - here they encourage us to look at our relationships.

we are often more passive and receptive that we are intentional and purposeful in our relationships. We may allow people to drift in and out of our lives. We don't usually pause to consider why we pursue a certain friendship or neglect another. Emotions and feeling often dictate the way we go about relationships...We must prayerfully evaluate our relational priorities in the light of God's priorities...Do our relationships - the time we spend with our family and the friends we pursue - bring glory to God? (p69)

This chapter is not focusing on family relationships because our husbands and children, and even extended family take priority. This is talking about friendships. They suggest that there should be certain types of friends amongst our friends:

- friends who sharpen (as iron sharpens iron, Prov 27:17)
- friends who mentor (older women that we can learn from)
- friend who need friends
- friends who need salvation

I had never thought to do this before, not in a planned way anyway! However, there is real value in thinking about this more. However, I also don't want to overanalyze all my friendships! Some friends are just encouraging Christian woman who I enjoy spending time with. Not every relationship in life has to be entirely purposeful.


5. Plan to depend. The fifth tip contains a lot of practical advice about how to get through the day to day realities of a busy life. However, they emphasise that we must depend on God for all things, "because if truth be told we can't help ourselves" (p89). In all things, we must remember Proverbs 3:6 - in all your ways acknowledge him..."

They end the chapter with these words:

In the end, our highest goal each day is not flawless execution of our plans or increased productivity. It's our relationship with God, walking in dependence upon him through the day. We should not be more consumed with the completion of our to-do list than pleasing and glorifying the Saviour. Whether we're sitting down to map out our day, simplifying our to-do list or... we must, above all, plan to depend. (p90)

As you can probably tell, I liked this book - it made me think a bit more about how I structure things and where my priorities lie. It gives good advice and suggestions all while being grounded in the truth of God's grace and salvation and our sinfulness.

Worth a read.



If you go to the girltalk link here, you can download the book for free this month with Kindle (follow their links).