Building Bridges

Building Bridges: Biblical Counseling activities for Children and Teens, Julie Lowe 

A few months ago, I reviewed Caring for the Souls of Children, and concluded it was an excellent tool for biblical counsellors, parents and mentors as they reach out to children pastorally and biblically.

This new book by Julie Lowe (author of Child Proof) is an excellent companion volume to that book, focussing on assisting those who want to provide more specific counsel to children and teenagers:

“This book aspires to help counselors, families, and other caring adults to build bridges—life-giving, gospel-infused connections—with young people in our sphere of influence.”

Young people need people who will love them, listen to them and then offer a wise path forward:

“Young people … need wise adults who are willing to enter their world and experiences. They need us to sit with them and feel what life is like in their shoes, and they need a vision for something beyond such experiences. They need hope that there is more to their lives than their current circumstances, and they need us to find winsome ways to point them to the Lord.”

Lowe addresses different stages of development and how we need to be aware of them as we talk to young people. She makes some helpful observations on character and temperament, with temperament being more innate characteristics, and character being more learned moral behaviour.

“In seeking to understand and help a young person, it is prudent to ask when issues are developmental and when they are moral (sin) issues. Is a challenging behavior a result of willfulness and sinful desires, or just immaturity? Initially it is not always obvious. But with wisdom, time, and a willingness to engage with a child’s struggles, clarity will often develop.”

Chapters also address the importance of involving parents, and a biblical rationale for using expressive activities with children:

“Expressive activities are demonstrative, winsome ways to draw out what is going on in the heart and mind of an individual. Each activity is both expressive (meaningful and communicative) and projective (symbolic of their inner world) and seeks to find ways to understand individuals and help them grow. The activities are used to help uncover a person’s thoughts and feelings in a nonthreatening, indirect fashion.”

“I like to think of expressive therapy as “creational counseling”—using things in nature to remind us of biblical truths and point us to the Lord. It would seem both winsome and wise to use his creation to woo those we counsel to what is true, right, and good.”

Lowe then turns to practical principles and application, the skills needed to draw out children, and ways to engage well, such as giving instruction one at a time, being simple and clear, asking open questions and letting children explain what they have done in an activity. All reasonably basic reminders of things many will know but sometimes forget to practice.

The second half of the book gives many examples and activities of ways to interact with children. Starting with methods for drawing them out, she covers strategic use of storytelling and books, talking about superheroes and villains, role playing, sand trays, art and other activities.

Then follows numerous activities to understand children, their families, their heart, relationships, and challenges. All are very helpful and will be a springboard for many to assist with their own resources. Those in professional counselling will already use or be aware of versions of these, and will find them easily adaptable to their own purposes.

Then there are numerous expressive activities that speak into children’s hearts and challenges, bringing God’s word to bear in ways that are understandable, relatable and applicable. Those familiar with the idea of fruit & thorns from How People Change or any of the CCEF courses will recognise elements. 

She concludes by encouraging readers to unleash their own creativity, adapting these resources for their own use and in their own ways. Those who buy the book, will also find they have access to pdf downloads of all activities for their own use.

A comment I found helpful throughout was the reminder that those who have skills working with young people are not necessarily inherently gifted to do so, but rather it comes through hard work, persistence and a desire to care:

“Working with young people may appear to be an innately God-given gift, but it is really a fostered expertise and aptitude that grows when we commit ourselves to knowing and loving this community well. Let’s lean into the truth, wisdom, and encouragement of God’s Word as our foundation as we seek to best steward the ministry he has given us. It is a privilege to serve on the front lines of ministry as a counselor, and to seek to winsomely connect a struggling young person to the heartbeat of Christ.”

As I said with Caring for the Souls of Children, you shouldn’t read this and then expect to be fully equipped to counsel children. Rather, this would be one of many resources you would want to have before you proceed. But the wisdom and insight contained within will encourage those who counsel children (both ‘officially’ and ‘unofficially’) to consider creative ways of doing so as they reach out to young people with hope.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Note: I use the Australian spelling for counsellor myself, but when quoting the book, use the American spelling counselor

Caring for the Souls of Children

Caring for the Souls of Children: A Biblical Counselor's Manual, edited by Amy Baker

This great resource, edited by Amy Baker with numerous contributors, speaks to many situations that children face, and provides biblical counsellors and parents with tools and advice to address them pastorally and with care. 

It begins by addressing foundational and methodological issues, first noting that the implications of the gospel are as relevant for children as they are for adults, and then some implications of counselling children:

“For children, the struggles, desires, and hopes are no different than for those of us who are adults. Therefore, the counsel we provide for them should lead them to the same place—the good news of Jesus Christ.”

“As counselors, we need to be reminded that the answers from Scripture are not too hard for children to grasp... Like adults, children need to wrestle with sin and suffering and be led to see a sovereign, merciful God at work.”

Her first goal is to counsel parents to counsel their own children.

She then outlines “seven structural components for counseling that can be a backbone for your counseling. These key elements are 1) show love and begin to build a relationship, 2) gather relevant data, 3) evaluate the problem biblically, 4) share biblical hope, 5) provide biblical instruction, 6) assign practical homework, and 7) involve the parents.”

Then there are charts of covering six stages of development from age 3-18, covering physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual changes.

All of these provide a framework, which is then used as the focus turns to numerous specific counselling issues that are addressed by different authors.

Children and their relationships includes leading children to Jesus, the relationship with parents and friendships.

“Parents and children alike often feel they are in a bitter struggle against each other. Parents want respect and obedience. Children want freedom and independence. These two desires clash in most parent-child relationships, even in the households with the healthiest dynamics. In all families there is a level of tension and a pull to navigate the issues of authority versus emerging independence.”

I found comments on friendships insightful, including that:

• friendships are hard and often require sacrifice 
• friendships ultimately point to someone greater 

The next section was children and their emotions, and included helping those who are anxious, angry, dealing with shame, and what to consider after a suicide attempt.

“Let your child know they are not alone. Pursue meaningful conversation with your child. Be proactive in addressing hard topics they are bound to face in their world. Be a redemptive guide speaking into the corruption they will be forced to weed through. Let them know there is One who fights on their behalf.”

“To solve a child’s anger problem, you must target the source of his anger—his heart... While it is true that anger ultimately stems from the heart, it is crucial to ask what other contributing factors may be present. Considering the heart gives a deeper understanding of anger problems; considering the situational factors gives a wider understanding. Understanding the wider context of your counselees’ lives will help you be more patient, compassionate, and creative as you work with them. Discerning these various facets of a child’s struggle requires wise, patient questioning and good listening.”

Children and their bodies addresses talking about sex, sexual identity, children who self harm, and those with a disability or disease. All were balanced, helpful, compassionate and contained wise advice.

While the following quote was related to self harm, it still applies in numerous circumstances:

“Most parents experience at least one shocking discovery about one or more of their children. Life is going along as well as can be expected and with a blinding flash and deafening roar trouble strikes. When that happens, it’s easy to lose your bearings and to react with fear and anger to the trouble you see in front of you. But when you discover that your child is self-harming, remember at that moment in time, you will be your child’s first counselor. Whether you wish to or not makes no difference. The option before you is to either occupy that role as best you can by God’s grace, or to do poorly by responding with all your fear, hurt, and disappointment in plain view. You get one opportunity in that moment to respond in a helpful, biblical way. Start with asking God to help you and then listen to your child.”

The final section, children and trauma, covers abuse, children of divorce, facing grief and death, and children not living with their biological parents.

I come to this book more from the perspective of a parent, rather than a biblical counsellor, but I think there is application and relevance for both.

Some of my observations were:

• Each chapter is structured around an actual example, containing the detail as of a child and their situation. This is then used as springboard to consider the wider issue. It’s a helpfully concrete way in to considering the issue being addressed. 
• Numerous authors refer to the Psalms as a way in to talking with children and giving them the language they need. This reflects the reality that children can gain as much truth, comfort, instruction and wisdom from Scripture as adults, and we should desire to lead children to these truths and help them find ways to absorb them and apply them to themselves. 
• Every chapter has a ‘word to parents’, making this book extremely accessible to carers as as well as biblical counsellors. These assist parents to reach out and care for their children, while being aware of their own struggles. 
• It's a little surprising there is no chapter on depression, or mental health challenges generally.  
• You shouldn’t read this and then expect to be fully equipped to counsel children. This would be one of many resources you would want to have before you proceed. However, the wisdom and insight contained within will encourage those who counsel children (both ‘officially’ and ‘unofficially’) to consider how the gospel impacts all aspects of a child’s life and circumstances, and how to journey with them to see the Lord is for them and with them. 
• Similarly, it’s true that God’s word is indeed sufficient, but it needs to be applied wisely, well and appropriately. This book is a help to that end, but not the only resource and skills you would want. Some chapters (eg the one on abuse) really only started to address the issues, rather than being comprehensive. 

In conclusion, this is a good guide for parents, caregivers and counsellors as they reach out to children, helping them to see God is at work, is in control and loves them, through the complexities of life.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Note: I use the Australian spelling for counsellor myself, but when quoting the book, use the American spelling counselor

Technology contract

As Mr 13 has started high school and became even more entrenched in technology, it was time to write down some of the principles and ideas we want him to think about and adopt.

So we developed a technology contract (see below).  Mr 13, Husband and I have all had input and it has already gone through a few revisions.  It will be revisited at least annually, if not more often.

We could also have added in bible verses to back up the points, but I was trying to keep it manageable (it's already 2 pages) and just because it's not written down doesn't mean it wasn't talked about!

It has been a good opportunity to stop and think about what we expect, and what we want him to learn, and how to teach it.  There are always new things to consider in parenting!

It has also been a prompt to remind Miss 11 and Miss 8 about our expectations, seeing one has started a private blog and both are on email.  They now also have much simpler versions.

Please note: this also does not yet include specific references to social media, our children are not yet using them. It may need updating with more specific principles at that point too.

****
TECHNOLOGY CONTRACT – Mr 13

Congratulations Mr 13 – you now have a phone and a laptop to use!

SOME PRACTICAL THINGS:

1. We own the phone and the laptop – we paid for them!
2. We will pay for you to be able to use the phone, to a certain amount. You may have to pay any excess.
3. If they are damaged or lost, you may be required to replace it.
4. We will know your passwords at all times.  Your sisters need to always know your phone password, because there are times they will need a phone.
5. You will always answer a call or text from us, as soon as you can. Never ignore us trying to contact you.  We will always try to answer your calls or texts as soon as we can.
6. Check with us before buying or downloading any music or apps.
7. If anything on a screen worries you or is inappropriate (eg. messages, pictures, websites) come and talk to us. You will not be in trouble.
8. All screens will be downstairs overnight, charging if needed.
9. “Find my iPhone” will always be activated on your iPhone, don’t ever disable it.
10. If you are out on your own, we expect you to always have the phone on you and for it always to have enough credit for phonecalls.
11. No games midweek – for schooldays, it is just a phone/laptop. You can play games on the bus, as long as you prioritise real conversations first.

THINKING A BIT MORE:

Technology is pretty cool. Your laptop has lots of power for creativity and design, and your phone is a smart phone. They can be used for many, many things – music, videos, phonecalls, texts, email, games, etc.
Above all – always remember 2 things:

• Real life is better than the digital world – enjoy the real world, real conversations and real people.
• Words and pictures have power. Be kind, honest and respectful with both.

Loving and Respecting Others

1. Always speak politely and with respect when on the phone.
2. Only call people between 8am and 8:30pm. Remember their own families and privacy. If you wouldn’t call their parents at that time, don’t call them.
3. Meal times, family times or overnight are screen-free, as are the movies, at church, when in conversation with friends, or where it would be rude or inappropriate.
4. Follow school rules regarding technology.
5. It is easy to write unwise or unkind things – stop and think before you press send.
6. Reply to text messages and emails when appropriate. Even just saying ‘thanks’ or ‘OK’ lets people know you have received it.
7. Respect other people’s privacy – do not give out their details without permission, do not forward emails/texts that are intended to be personal.

Be Wise and Careful

1. It is very easy to waste time on a screen– be careful how you use your time
   
2. Make sure you control your technology and that it does not control you
• You don’t have to answer a call straightaway (except from us – as soon as possible)
• You don’t have to respond to a text straightaway (except from us – as soon as possible)
• You don’t have to reply to an email straightaway – although it’s polite to answer emails that need answering within a day or two.
• Most replies can wait till the end of the conversation, or the end of the school day, or even until the next day
• Some messages never need to be answered or even read– eg. junk, spam, various requests (lost property, surveys) through school email.
3. You don’t have to give out your phone number or email to any person / company. You have a choice. If you feel pressured to, try and say no, or give one of Mum or Dad’s numbers/emails.
   
4. Remember – every thing you ever do or put online can be recorded forever. This includes emails, posts, tweets, photos, texts, comments, game statistics, web site browsing and time usage. All words and pictures online may be there forever: “only say it or post it if you want the entire world to have access to your message or picture for all time” (David A. Bednar). So, think very carefully how you use technology.

“The caution that marks our speech must also mark our texting, our emailing, our commenting, our blogging and our tweeting. The fact that we communicate at all should cause us to stop and consider every word. The fact that we communicate so often today and do so before so great an audience should cause us to tremble. As we communicate all day we give ourselves unending opportunity to sin with our words.” (Challies)

1. Only say things on email that you would say in person (to their face)
2. Only say things on email or online that you would say out loud with Mum and Dad in the room (or their parents).
3. Never take photos of yourself without clothes on (one day you may think this sounds fun, or someone might ask you to). Always delete any photos of others like this that you might receive. Never forward photos like this on to others.
4. Don’t look at inappropriate photos or videos on any device, and don’t share inappropriate photos or videos of yourself with others. If you encounter something inappropriate, delete it, or close it, whatever it takes. Just as importantly, make a mental note of the path that led to it to help you avoid it in the future.

***
Isn’t it cool to be growing up and getting more fun stuff! We love you and we trust you to be responsible and wise. We also know you’ll make mistakes and we will still love you and forgive you. There may be times that your technology will be taken away. There may be times when you lose it. We will work it out together.

Use all technology to glorify God and serve him and his people. Sometimes this will mean using technology wisely. Sometimes it will mean not using it at all. The rest of your life (and ours) will be spent figuring out how to do this well. We love you very much.

[Signed by all three of us]

Love languages in a family

I don’t know how you feel about the five love languages material.   While it has created a marketing juggernaut all of its own which some shy away from - the concept and ideas involved can be very helpful.  To date, I have really only thought about it in terms of adult relationships, most specifically marriage, but also to understand my extended family better.

In reading some more parenting books recently, I came to realise that these were helpful things to discuss with our kids.   Please note I have not read the Five Love Languages for Children book, just other books that refer to it!  I read the adult one years ago.

So we got out the butcher’s paper the other night – thought about the 5 languages, what each might include and then got to pick two that we thought meant the most to us.   You can see the writing in the photo below. (I removed the indicators of which we all are)

What was worth noticing for our family was: 

• All five of us cared about time – either family time with the 5 of us, or one-to-one time (especially kids with mum or dad).  We have realised those kids’ dates / individual times with each need to be a high priority in our calendars.
• None of us chose presents as our top two languages.  That might explain why none of us get that excited by gifts!

 It was an easy, fun exercise that only took about 10-15 mins after dinner.   It might be something to consider with your family too!

Kids Christian Camps

Our two eldest (age 9 & 11) went to their first Christian camp this holidays. It was a big deal – mainly because they were both away for 4 nights and had never been away for that long without a family member. Also, because we have been waiting for these fun times to start for a while now!

It was the perfect choice for them: they could go together, the camp was aimed at 9-13 year-olds and thanks to some planning and a number of dear friends across Adelaide with similar age children, each went with a group of friends who were in their small groups and dorm rooms.

I had some feelings of misgiving when I dropped them off. There was no reason to: the camp was well-organised, the kids were welcomed wonderfully (as was I), and due to Adelaide being a small place we knew a number of the leaders personally. Yet there is always that feeling of anxiety when you leave your children anywhere.

Fast forward five days and I was back to pick them up. The end of the camp was in an auditorium packed with kids, leaders and parents.

I spotted my two surrounded by friends and leaders. They, with all the others, recited from memory the verses they had learnt during the week - Hebrews 12:1-2. The all leapt up to sing and dance unashamedly to Colin Buchanan’s “Super Saviour”. They hugged and thanked their leaders. Then a photo collage came up and showed snapshots of the week.

I found myself a bit misty-eyed as I watched. For what a gift and privilege it is to have people who are willing to teach and lead camps for kids. Who are willing to be Christians and be fun with children. Who are willing to talk about Jesus unashamedly. Who are willing to sleep for a week with a bunch of giggling 9-year old girls or a bunch of noisy smelly older boys. Who are willing to lose sleep, listen to inane conversations, make craft, be silly, yet do it all in the name of Jesus so that these kids have role models who follow Jesus.

I know for certain that we, their parents, are their main teachers. It is our job to teach them of Christ and his marvellous work. But I also know that we do this as part of a team, and we are entering that youth stage where the team is growing. More members need to be enlisted. Young men who will show my son how to stand up and stand strong for Jesus. Young women who will show my girls what it looks like to find your value in Christ alone.

I am so incredibly thankful for all the people who give their time on this camp, it was great for the children and the kids loved it. But, we as parents loved it too and are incredibly thankful.

This camp (and others in time) will now be a regular feature of our January. We will need to re-think the timing of our annual leave to make it work. Our youngest is now counting down the two years until she is allowed to go. I know not everyone lives in places where these options are available, but if they are – it’s worth making it happen. Expand the team of role models for your kids!

Praying as a family - specific prayer

The last post was about regular general family prayers. However there are many times where we turn to prayer as a family for a specific reason. I mentioned some of these previously, for we want to be able to pray anytime. 

When children are trusted with information about people around them, we can turn specific news into opportunities for prayer. Sometimes these are praise points – someone became a Christian! Or is having a baby! Or is getting married! Other times they are prayer points – someone is sick or had an accident.

As they become more aware of the world and current events, we can also turn these into opportunities for prayer. Perhaps we will come before God about wars, natural disasters, elections, etc.

We have found that when our missionary updates come through, it is a great night to skip the general prayers and focus on that person or family in particular. We read the update together, talk about what it means, how they might feel in similar situations and then all pray for them. So if you are a missionary or ministry worker who sends out updates – let me encourage you to make them family friendly, then we can all pray for you!

That completes these 5 posts about family prayer and praying with children.   
Coming next: some prayer resources.

Praying as a family - general prayers

The ideas of praying together as a family are no different than praying with each of your children individually. The only requirement is that it is manageable for each age represented!

When we pray together as a family we do it after dinner at the table. We have a set of prayer cards which have a photo and some simple prayers. Everyone gets a card and we pray going around the table twice in order from youngest to oldest. The first time around we pray from our cards, the second time around we thank God for something. We go from youngest to oldest so the youngest ones don’t have their prayer points already used up by the time it is their turn!

The cards have both written prayers and photos so that:

• the non-reader can pray a simple prayer by recognising the person in the photo
• the early reader can read out the prayers
• the confident reader can read out the prayer or change it
• Mum & Dad usually add extra things to their prayers

We have 6 categories of cards:

• God & Jesus
• Our family - the five of us
• Extended family
• Godparents and Compassion children
• Staff at church & ES (these are the colleagues, friends and co-workers that our children know)
• Missionaries / overseas workers

They all sit in a business card display box, you can see a photo below. We just grab whichever ones are on top for that night and put them at the back of the pile again when finished.

I have realised recently that I need to update them all – they were all copied from the ones we do for our kids individually, so they are all singular (I/me). I want to change them to be plural for the family (we/us).

If you like this idea here is how we did it: I bought business cards to print out, printed them in colour, laminated them as full sheets, then cut out the individual cards. They do last longer if laminated, but they generally need to be updated every 6-12 months, so it doesn’t really matter. The holder was from an office supply store. Again, just like the written prayers for readers (link) it takes some time the first time you do it, but after that, it is quick and easy to update.

What other ideas do you have for praying together as a family?

Prayer with more competent readers

Continuing from babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers, we come to older children who are reading.

Once our children were able to read competently, we typed out prayers they could say.

These are intended to:

1. Help teach them a way to pray

I am sure you could teach children to pray by praying aloud and not writing out prayers. However, I pray from written notes myself and find it helps me pray purposefully, broadly and biblically. We have decided to write out prayers for our kids at this stage to help them set good early habits of broad ranging prayers. They include praise points, confessions and prayer requests.

2. Give confidence to pray

By having written prayers and not having to think up things on the spot, they are more confident to pray. However, they do not have to stick to the prayer points, in fact we encourage them to go ‘off script’ as we often have more up to date information about the people from week to week.

3. Give familiarity with bible passages and how to use them in prayer

Where possible, we write prayers from bible passages so they can learn how to do so themselves.

Our format is to provide prayers for each day of the week, which include 3-4 categories.

• a praise point about God, Jesus or the Spirit and their character
• prayer and praise points about an immediate family member (us 5 and both grandparents)
• prayer and praise points about godparents and their family / extended family
• prayer and praise about school, a ministry / missionary, or church.

We have kept photos in these ones too – it looks good and is fun to organise and update.

****

A sample is below:

GOD

• God – you love us even when we don’t deserve your love. Thank you for loving me all of the time.
• God, you are compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. (Psa 86:15)

DADDY

• Thank you for Daddy, that he loves me and cares for me.
• Thank you for fun times we have together – playing soccer, chess and other games.
• I am sorry for times when I am disobedient. Help me to listen to Daddy.
• Thank you God for Daddy’s work and that he can tell people about Jesus every day.
• Please let the word of Christ live in Daddy and that he will teach others with wisdom. (Col 3:16)
• Please help him to always speak the truth of Jesus and to be loving to others.

SCHOOL

• Dear God, thank you for my teachers. Thank you that they teach me about new things and how the world works.
• I am sorry if I am disobedient or I lie in class.
• Please help me to do my work properly.
• Please help me to be obedient in class, to listen and to be helpful.

• Thank you for my school friends –___________________.
• I am sorry for the times when I am mean to my school friends.
• Please help me to be a kind friend and a sharing friend.
• Please help me to look out for others who don’t have friends and to be nice to them.
• Please God, let my friends know that Jesus loves them, and he wants to be friends with them.

Yes, this is a bit of work to organise the first time - but it has been fantastic for our older two both in being able to pray with us or to start praying on their own.  They tell me when they want to update it with new prayer points and photos and then we do it together on the computer.   

I see no reason why this format cannot last for years to come.  It is essentially what I do myself but in a more simplified format.   

What has worked for this age in your family?

Prayer with babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers

Keeping in mind the principles from the last post – that we want to pray with our children and model that it’s normal – it makes sense that we want to model prayer from the earliest stage. I remember walking with our babies to their cots at night, praying ‘with’ them at the end of day – often they were simple “thank you for my day and please help me sleep well tonight” prayers, sometimes there was a bit more.

We started to get into the habit of saying grace as soon as they were starting solids (I never thought of saying grace before a feed – perhaps I should have!)

With toddlers, we often prayed for emergency vehicles with their sirens on: “Please God thank you for the ambulance drivers, help them to drive safely, get to the people in need, please help the doctors at the hospital to be able to help them get better and please help them all to learn about Jesus.”

We always found the end of the day to be a good time for prayer. It was also bible time and both naturally fit together. It is calm time and a lovely way to finish the day together.

Once our children could recognise people in photos (maybe from 6-12 months), we had a ‘prayer diary’. It was a simple A4 sheet with photos.

It was set up for the days of the week, with three categories for each day: family, extended family/godparents, ministry/other.

This has worked for years. In fact, until they could read independently, this has been the way we prayed with our children. As they got older, they loved helping organise it – choose who was on which day and it helped with learning to recognise everyone’s names in print as they were written underneath their photo.

Our youngest, age 5, still uses this as she is not ready to progress to written prayers yet.

I have included a table of it, so you can see an example.  It is a very bland example - usually it is a colourful photo display with everyone's real names.  However, since I felt I could not put up all these people's photos & names without permission, I have just given you an edited version.

DAY	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Family	Daddy	Mummy	Child 1	Child 2	Child 3	Grandparents	Grandparents
Family / Friends	Aunty, Uncle & family	Aunty & Uncle & family	Child 1's godparents	Child 2’s godparents	Child 3'swgodparents	Other family	Teachers and school friends
Ministry/ Other	Daddy’s work.	Missionary	Missionary	Missionary	Missionary	Compassion children	Church &  Friends  at church.

This is the one of the ways we have found that works well for us with little ones.

Next time - prayer with more confident readers.

Praying with children

Over the next few posts, I’ll share some ideas about praying with children, mainly covering the 0-10 age group.

Basics first.

1. Pray for your children.

Make sure you pray for your children. Use the types of prayers in Praying the Scriptures for your Children and you will be praying biblical prayers on a wide range of issues.

I know some parents pray daily for each of their children. That is great and is a wonderful discipline. For myself, I have a five day cycle that works through us all. It keeps me a bit fresher for each and more detailed for that person on that day.

I don’t think you have to follow a set strategy or format, just make sure you are praying for your family members.

Miller makes this comment in A Praying Life:

It didn’t take me long to realise I did my best parenting by prayer. I began to speak less to the kids and more to God. (p59)

Prayer for our children acknowledges God is in control, that we cannot change the hearts of anyone and that we call on Him to do his work in our loved ones.

2. Pray with your children

One of the most important things in praying with children is showing that it’s normal. Anyone can do it, anytime.

We don’t need a special time, a special situation, special words or a special voice to pray.

We just need to turn to God and trust in Him.

So, we can pray anytime, which may include:

• At the beginning of the day
• At bedtime
• Before meals – thanking God for the food
• When we have fears / bad dreams – asking God to take them away
• For our special events – starting school or pre-school, birthdays, etc.
• For world events – elections, natural disasters, wars, etc
• About issues – problems with friends, when people are sick
• About character development – eg. needing help to be kind, gentle, compassionate
• For forgiveness - when we’ve done the wrong thing
• For emergencies – eg. for emergency vehicles with their sirens on

I’m sure you can think of many other times and situations when you would pray with your kids.

How do we pray? 

In an age-appropriate way and in words they understand. As they get older, the language we use will progress, showing them how prayer can come clearly from the bible, and also be more detailed and more varied.

So with a 2 year old you might pray, “Thank you God for my sister and that you love her”

With a 6 year old, you might pray, “Thank you God for my sister, thank you that you love her and sent Jesus to save her. Help her to love you more each day.”

With a 10 year old, you might pray, “Thank you for my sister and the fun we have together. Help her to always know she belongs to you, and please make your word a lamp to her feet and a light to her path. I am sorry for the times when I am not kind to her, please forgive me and help me to be kind”

Over the next few posts, I’ll share some ideas about prayer with various ages of young children, starting with the youngest – babies, toddlers & pre-schoolers. This is a rather personal series - it is really a collection of the things that have worked for us as a family. I would love to hear your input throughout on other ideas that have worked for you.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, Dr Megan Best

This recently published offering by Dr Megan Best offers Christians an excellent resource into the minefield that is the ethics surrounding the beginnings of life. Today we live in a world that enables us to choose when and when not to have babies, to decide whether to keep such babies in utero, to screen for potential disabilities and to create babies apart from the act of sex. We are used to such options, in fact most of the Western world has come to expect them as a right.

Yet how often do we stop and think through the ethics of it all? Many of us can testify that as Christians once you do stop and ask questions about contraception, abortion, genetic screening and IVF, you are met either with blank looks of “what is all the fuss about?” or at times, outright hostility from others at bringing ethics into the debate.

But we want to be informed. This book provides the information in one volume that many of us have been looking for for some time. Dr Best starts by clearly explaining the basics of reproduction and then how we would go about forming an ethic around it.  Her view is that life is created from the moment of fertilization (when the egg and sperm fuse).  As Christians, we choose to value any life that is made, no matter how it is made (whether in a woman’s body or in a laboratory), because it is a gift from God.  This therefore informs her ethic of how any life, whether in embryonic or adult form (or anywhere in between), should be preserved and protected.

From there she leads the reader step by step through the minefield that is modern medicine, technology and reproduction, with chapters addressing:

- contraception

- abortion

- screening procedures in pregnancy

- when abnormalities are detected in screening

- infertility

- miscarriage and stillbirth

- assisted reproductive technologies (IVF, surrogacy, etc)

- decisions regarding leftover embryos

- human embryo research and stem cells

Each chapter describes the science, medicine and technology involved and then draws it all together to form a Christian ethic about each.

The entire book is suffused with a grace and understanding of the choices women (and men) make and how they get there. She understands how the desire to have a child can be overwhelming, as can the grief associated with the loss of a child, or the change of expectations and the challenges of having a child with disabilities. She is pastorally sensitive and aware. Yet this is a book which is designed to provide information, and there are times where the information will be hard to read for those who have lived it, are living it or are supporting others through these life events.

It is medically detailed and scientifically thorough. Throughout there is additional information for medical professionals, which I think makes this book required reading for all Christians doctors, at least those involved with these stages of life. Having said that, it is very readable – I read it from cover to cover, even though it is obviously designed to be used more as a reference resource.

We will certainly be recommending this book to all couples at or entering this stage of life. We will be adding it to our marriage preparation book list.

There were a few specific things I was challenged by:

1. Abortion. This is a harrowing chapter. Abortion procedures are described in detail and she wisely warns readers at the beginning. What struck me most however were the statistics of abortion: 1 in 3 women in the UK, USA and Australia will have an abortion in their lifetime. What was clear what that there is little to no support for women as they make this decision. Even more so, I suspect that in our churches we are not caring for the women among us who have had abortions, because they are too terrified of being judged to voice their pain. How many women are being shut out from truly believing in God’s grace and that He forgives because of our lack of sensitivity and awareness?

2. Pregnancy screening for disability – what it involves and what it solves. We have watched a number of dear friends over the years get results from screening that shows their child will have a disability. What they are quickly shocked by is that the only cure for their child’s disability is to terminate the pregnancy, and that is the only solution proposed by medical staff.  They have to fight to keep their baby.  Dr Best argues that we are seeing a program of early eugenics in society, as people are choosing only to keep the healthy and the whole. She deals with the issues of disability well throughout the book, and touches on the impact this has for long-term services for the disabled. Parents with disabled children can witness that people are heartless enough to suggest that in choosing to have their child, they have placed a burden on society. What type of humans are we when we do not care for all members of society, especially those who are more vulnerable?

Consider…the decreasing tolerance for imperfections in our community. When did we decide that any of us were more perfect specimens? We are all of us damaged; it is just more noticeable in some than in others. And why is physical brokenness tolerated so poorly while moral brokenness is not just tolerated but chronicled, accepted and even celebrated in magazines and newspapers? (p461)

She finishes with some challenging words:

[while doing research for the book] What I found left me deeply unsettled as I realized the extent to which our society has decided to accommodate selfish adults at the expense of the children involved. We want ‘perfect’ children through genetic screening, freedom from inconvenient pregnancies, and the ability to override normal human biology when it suits us – all at the cost of embryonic and fetal human life. (p461)

This is a challenging book which raises numerous issues regarding reproduction today.  I am very glad Dr Best has done the work and the research, there are many of us who will benefit.

You can read the introductory first chapter on the Matthias Media website.