The Marriage You Want

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Baker Books, 2025) 

I have read most of the Gregoires’ books over the years and my reviews are very similar each time. There are positive elements to them and they have real benefits. Yet, some less appealing aspects undermine their value.

On the positive side: there is insightful discussion about the risks of stereotypes, biblical misuse, and unhelpful patterns in marriage. There is encouragement to make your marriage great, with helpful strategies that many couples will benefit from. The concepts of teamwork, mutuality, and sharing the load, yet taking responsibility for yourself are expounded in practical and realistic ways.

On the negative side: the Gregoires continue to have a combative stance in the Christian marriage space, setting themselves up as the experts who tear down others. While the subtitle suggests this book is built on scripture, in reality, verses are included as needed to support their views, with less attempt to interact with scripture that does not. I would have liked to see a genuine theology of marriage presented and use that as anchor, rather than responding to the messaging of others. Yet again, a huge amount of research data is included, which will cause most people’s eyes to glaze over. It could have been simplified in ways that could have reached the average reader much better.

They have structured the book around BARE marriage.

Balance - using your unique giftings and strengths to run towards Jesus together. They use a triangle model of two people under God (which is not new, we use it with couples as well) and it’s a helpful concept. Chapters address unity and teamwork, and explore the risk of gender stereotypes, problems with the view that the man is the tie-breaker in decisions, and the challenge of entitlement in a relationship (it’s not about your needs, rather the needs of the relationship).

Affection - finding joy and passion in being together. The friendship chapter encourages doing life together, responding to bids for connection, and making time for each other, solid and useful principles. The passion chapter is strong on intimacy being mutual and pleasurable for both, and addresses consent, sexual pain, desire discrepancy, spontaneous vs responsive desire, and encourages making orgasm for each a priority. The issues with pornography are openly discussed, and their argument is helpful - porn is a user system, so it wires our brains to think not about wanting to know the other, but wanting to use the other.

Responsibility - functioning as a team as you bear each other’s burdens, each carrying your own load. I really liked this section. It addressed the reality of the mental load of life and the impact on relationships when one person carries most of it. There was lots of practical wisdom here about how this could look, but a great measurement tool was to consider whether each partner has a similar amount of rest and downtime (rather than perhaps comparing hours worked and in what capacity). While that chapter was about sharing the load as a team, the next was about taking responsibility for yourself - learn how to do everything that needs to be done. Take care of your own needs - health management, appointments, etc. Essentially, if you would have to do that task if you were single, learn how to do it now.

Emotional Connection - being truly seen and feeling like you are home. Chapters cover speaking up, communicating and managing conflict better, sharing emotions and being responsible for your own regulation.

There is much in here of value. Lots of it is common sense. Other parts of it are solidly backed by evidence additional to their own research.

For those who are interested in such things: while the books don’t make this clear nor use the language, a quick look over their website/blogs/podcasts shows a strongly anti-complementarian stance. The stance does not concern me so much as the tone around it - rude, alarmist, and insulting. Conversations about errors and the consequences of some teachings need to be had and acknowledged, but I would prefer to see it done more graciously and in a way that allowed room for difference and interaction. (I’ve made similar comments about this tone in previous reviews.) 

So, while I liked the book and what it has to offer, my broader hesitations are strong enough that I'm more reserved in my recommendation of it.

A Seasoned Marriage

A Seasoned Marriage: Living the Gospel in the Middle Years and Beyond,  Larry E. McCall (New Growth Press, 2025) 

I really like the title of this book. McCall has managed to incorporate two key ideas about long-term marriage:

• It seasons us. A long-term marriage is a major shaper of our character and actions. 
• It has passed through the seasons, not only of marriage, but of life. Pain and joy, heartache and rejoicing, birth and death, closeness and distance. 

Aimed at those in the “second half of life”, he suggests it’s for those over 40. Yet, since the first life stage mentioned is launching kids into adulthood, it’s more for those 50+. It becomes increasingly applicable as the years go on - addressing challenges of retirement, ageing and preparing for death. That’s potentially another 40+ years for some couples! It’s also not assumed that every marriage at these ages will have been long-term, perhaps due to remarriage or a later start.

McCall underpins every chapter with a solid gospel foundation. He points the reader to God’s character, to what Christ has done, and encourages us to mould every aspect of our maturing years to it. While this is somewhat simplistic, the application of almost every chapter is: pray, review God’s teaching on the topic, discuss it, and make wise decisions together. See the opportunities God has given you and continue to serve him faithfully as you are able.

Considering the amount of material covered, it’s relatively short (160 pages). McCall writes clearly and succinctly, enabling him to address many topics in a digestible way. These include: 

• Building strong relationships with adult children, and being intentional grandparents (McCall has already written a great book about grandparenting) 
• Considering the purpose of retirement? “What are you working toward? What are you retiring to?” 
• The challenges of caring for aging parents 
• Facing the reality of aging bodies with grace and acceptance, in ourselves and each other 
• Opportunities for developing purposeful friendships - with peers, those older and younger, and unbelievers 
• Being faithful stewards with our money, and moving from anxiety to contentment with our finances. 
• Preparing well for the end of life. 

As such, the content will have different relevance over the decades - first, when you have young adult children, later when thinking about retirement, and then again as you get much older. While it is succinct and clear, some areas seemed quite prescriptive and perhaps too detailed, such as how to balance a budget and manage your debt, what types of help aging parents might need, and what to organise for your funeral. Yet for those who do not already think about these things, perhaps they are helpful prompts. Note that if neither of you has children, the chapters about adult children and grandchildren will not be as relevant, although could be adapted for other important relationships.

The practical details of later years aside, the early chapters provide a solid foundation for the years ahead: 

1. Reflect on why you got married and the purpose of marriage. Our vision of marriage is to showcase Christ, and love our spouse, rather than to be happy. 

2. Be ready for change - in ourselves, in our spouses, and in our relationship. Yet, 

“Let us anchor our souls in this glorious, reassuring truth: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). We are safe in his hands.”

“I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.”

3. Resist marital monotony. Continue to prioritise one another, confessing and forgiving one another, listening, honouring and delighting in one another.

I also appreciated the encouragement to use the moments of life transitions well: 

“Major transitions in life — such as entering the empty nest years — provide wonderful opportunities to slow down and evaluate who you are and where God might be taking you in the years ahead. Take time to prayerfully process these relationships.”

McCall highlights your relationship with God, with your spouse, with your adult children. I would also include relationships with living parents and siblings.

This is a helpful encouragement and guide for those in their “second half of life” about how to have a God-honouring, other-person-focused marriage.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

My spouse was unfaithful

My Spouse was Unfaithful: Finding Strength in God's Presence, Robert D. Jones (New Growth Press, 2023)

This new book in the Ask the Christian Counselor series by New Growth Press is quite specific - addressing when a spouse has been unfaithful. It is aimed at Christians, who wants to process this in light of God’s word and with a biblical framework, including concepts of forgiveness and repentance.

“As we begin our journey, we must recognize that God doesn’t promise you restoration with your spouse. He only promises to be with you as a Christian—to help you know, follow, love, and enjoy him, however your spouse chooses to behave.”

Jones recommends reading it through first to get the big picture, and then turn to consider personal application. He also strongly recommends both counselling and pastoral care, and a group of supporters who will walk this road with you.

I’ll outline each section in brief:

1. Moving forward with God-given hope, which means recognising the hope that we do and do not have. So, we do not expect God to remove troubled feelings, for the Lord to restore the marriage, or to undo the consequences of a spouse’s sin. We can however hope in “the triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit [who] promises to be with you, watch over you, and walk with you through the entire aftermath of your spouse’s infidelity.”

2. Identifying your hardships and temptations. This encourages exploration of what has happened through a biblical lens, including the various emotions one might be feeling (e.g., confusion, despair, anger, jealousy, regret, shame, vindication or freedom). There is encouragement to pay attention to your own response (e.g. beware of bitterness, vengeance, rash decisions, gossip, cynicism, etc.)

3. Drawing near to your gracious, compassionate God. Believing that God is present to help you, trust that he hears you when you cry out, and to recognise your core identity is as his beloved child (not as someone’s spouse). 

“My brother or sister in Christ, God has not abandoned you just because your spouse did. God is with you amid your marital crisis. He is ever-present, always available, on call. He is your refuge, strength, and fortress. He stands by your side. Begin your path by striving to believe this.”

4. Humbly responding to God - seek to obey God, embrace his purpose in your suffering. Here Jones includes seven ways God uses hardship to make us more like Jesus - which have much broader application than this book’s topic:

• to enhance our relationship with him, 
• to help us experience Christ’s sufferings, 
• to expose our remaining sin, 
• to engage us in the body of Christ, 
• to exhibit Christ’s work in us, 
• to equip us for wiser more compassionate ministry, and 
• to elevate our eyes longing for Christ’s return. 

5. God’s way to view and treat your spouse - cultivate mercy and attitudinal forgiveness, confront them to encourage repentance and reconciliation, and deal biblically with the sin in your marriage.

6. Responding wisely to your spouse’s decision - which will depend on whether they repent or not. His options seem to be: if they repent - you commit to rebuilding your marriage, if they do not - you demonstrate Christ-like love and mercy. He addresses separation and divorce, suggesting separation is probably necessary for a season, and divorce is an option, especially if they are unrepentant.

Sections 5 & 6 raised some issues - mainly because they are such large, complicated and individual circumstances and this approach, by virtue of being short, seemed to leave some gaps in terms of the reality of dealing with this. I’m not sure that one’s response will be entirely dependent on what their spouse does and whether they are repentant. The wronged spouse has more agency than just waiting to see how the other acts. There is also a brief reference to ‘make’up’ sex which trivialises the deep pain and significant healing that would need to occur before intimacy is considered.

The Gottman Institute has some helpful (secular) research and therapy for couples experiencing infidelity. They suggest that a spouse that has been cheated on is often found to have symptoms of PTSD). They also note that at the point of an affair marriage #1 is over, it’s now up to the couple to decide whether to proceed with what will become marriage #2. They also note the important of rebuilding trust and hope. Jones takes it further (noting this is not a promise):

“Jesus can not only restore your marriage but make it stronger than it was before. We don’t want to merely revert to the pre-infidelity state of your marriage. In Christ, God provides something better. Here’s why: Our God delights in making broken things better than they were.”

In this book, Jones has explored the need for grace, mercy, repentance and forgiveness after adultery - not just between partners, but also with God and with ourselves, with the overall goal being maturity in Christ, whatever happens with the marriage.


I was given a ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Couples Therapy

I devoured all five series of this show - three of the US version, and then two of Couples Therapy Australia. They were all excellent, as a skilled therapist worked with different couples over a period of time. 

In the US edition, Dr Orna Guralnik works with couples in New York. The honesty and vulnerability of the couples is amazing as they share their conflicts, pain, past history, disappointments and dreams. What struck me was the therapist’s skill and gentleness with them all, all while trying to remain neutral, and guide the couples to explore their own challenges their own way. Included are some of her sessions with her supervisor, and her self-awareness about how she experiences what she does. As it was filmed over the last few years, it also gave an amazing picture into how Covid affected couples & the therapy process in New York during that first major lockdown (which must have been an absolutely unexpected gift to the producers!)

The Australian version follows the same format, with skilled psychotherapist Marryam Chehelnabi. Of course you have no idea how much editing has played a part, but all in all, the therapists display compassion, understanding and non-judgementalism (as to be expected). Each season includes people with different cultural backgrounds and sexual orientation, and one US season includes a transgender woman. People face the reality of alcohol addiction, racism, childhood abuse, and grief. So, the breadth of humanity’s current experience is explored in depth. On the other hand, you know that you have only seen a small portion of the actual therapy - perhaps 1-2 hours per couple over what must have been regular months of therapy. So it’s just a snippet and there aren’t many tools to take away for personal use (either as a couple or a therapist!)

I loved the production of both, they weren’t dramatic or sensational. Some things couples disclose are hard and painful, and some are wonderful, but nothing was overdone or caricatured. It was all very real. There was so much to learn about the human condition, and how relationships function. Engrossing.

All of these are currently on Paramount +

Build a Stronger Marriage

Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine (New Growth Press, 2022)

I have had the opportunity to review a new series of books by New Growth Press called Ask The Christian Counselor and I’ll tell you about them over coming weeks.

First up is Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine

Aimed at couples in struggling marriages, Lepine has written a gospel-focussed book that gives hope and guidance for those that may have lost their way. He starts considering the wrong reasons and expectations many have when they marry, then brings the reader back to remind them of their true purpose:

“If your goal is to have a marriage that pleases you, you will face ongoing, perpetual frustration and disappointment. But when your goal is to have a marriage that is pleasing to God, each challenge you face along the way will be a fresh opportunity to fix what’s broken and make ongoing progress toward that goal.”

He explores the four main problem areas of the past that influence a marriage: family of origin issues, childhood trauma, issues of shame and guilt related to sex, and unaddressed relational wounds. These are not dealt with in depth, but have enough content for you to identify whether you are impacted by them and may need additional help in working through them. The reader is then brought back to their restoration in Christ, and the encouragement that our past does not define our future.

Lepine proposes that the essentials in any marriage are: putting anger to death, determining when to overlook things and when to confront, and the crucial role of repentance, confession, and forgiveness. These were honest chapters laying responsibility for our behaviour clearly at our own feet. I was also pleased to see the caveat that gracious forgiveness does not extend to abusive or controlling relationships without repentance.

Encouraging us to put off sin, and put on the fruits of the spirit, he posits four best practices of marriage - generous forgiveness, extravagant love, enthusiastic encouragement, and common convictions.

Considering the length of the book (100 pages), I was surprised by the amount of quality content. Each chapter is punchily short, but with enough to consider, challenge, and engage with, as well as illustrations and examples to make his points clearer.

Each chapter ends with a section “Practical steps for real change” where the real work is done personally, with the encouragement to write answers to the questions. The focus is on you, the reader, and Lepine asks you to honestly consider the part you play in your marriage, not your spouse - for the only person you can change is you. Obviously, couples that work through this together with a desire for change will reap the most benefit.

An excellent short book for those wanting godly guidance, wisdom and suggestions for growth and change.

This is how your marriage ends

This is How Your Marriage Ends, Matthew Fray (Souvenir Press, 2022)

This new relationship book stands out with its raw honesty and frank assessment of just how awful divorce is. Fray’s life came apart when his wife left with their young son. Once he worked through his anger and blame of her, he started to think more about his role in the breakdown of their marriage. This led to a blog, relationship coaching, and now a book.

“My overarching premise is that good people who want to be married accidentally hurt one another and betray each other's trust without either partner being aware of it as it is happening until their marriage slowly becomes toxic and/or ends.” (p8)

Fray thought he was a good guy - he never hurt people intentionally, he provided, and he cared. But he came to the conclusion that good people can make bad spouses when they do not try to understand their partner’s emotions. He frames one of his key concepts around the “invalidation triple threat”.

#1 - My wife’s thoughts were wrong - what she thinks happened is wrong.
#2 - My wife’s feelings were wrong - how she feels about it is wrong.
#3 - The justifiable defence - defending or explaining your actions to justify the two things above.

“Constantly, and most of the time unconsciously, we invalidate the lived experiences of the people we love. With great conviction, we tell them to their faces that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong. We tell them that their feelings are wrong. And we tell them that their treatment of us is wrong - that it’s unfair.” (p127)

Rather, he has come to realise:

“I want to be a person who chooses to comfort and support the people I love when they feel hurt or sad or afraid rather than try to convince them that they SHOULDN’T feel these things. (p147)

“If any of us want to succeed in dating, marriage, parenting, or friendship, we need to replace this habit of judgment with something else. Curiosity. Empathy. Encouragement.” (p122)

He proposes with 6 key relationship skills to practice and master:

#1 - Choosing safety and trust over being ”right”
#2 - Know your partner almost as well as you know yourself
#3 - Differentiating between character flaws and habits
#4 - Arguing or criticising effectively - goal is not to win, but to arrive at truth.
#5 - Connection rituals
#6 - Move the dots closer

“Every day - every conversation, every moment - is an opportunity to move closer to one another or further apart. You get to choose.” (171)

Some things I liked about this book:

• His raw honesty. A man who will share in detail his emotional and physical reactions when his wife left, and his owning of his own mistakes as a result is worth listening to. It has value if it stops a divorce that could have been prevented by alarming people so much as to the consequences. (Note: he thinks his wife was right to leave him, but he grieves that it had to be that way). 

• His assessment that people are not taught how to relate well, have few skills at it, and this is something that is crucial for youth and young adults. 

“One of the ways we can make this world a better place is by getting collectively serious about educating both ourselves and younger generations about the knowledge and skills we will need to excel in our human relationships." (p39)

“We are not taught, nor are we teaching our kids the truth that nothing in life will affect us more profoundly as our closest interpersonal relationships - namely, marriage or a romantic relationship that looks and feels like marriage.” (p79)

• He challenges couples to honestly consider that their marriage should come before their kids. 

• He challenges men never to put their wife in the position of having to do something for them that their mother did. So, work together to manage the mental load, the second shift, and the emotional labour in the home. 

Other things to note:

• It’s written from a secular point of view. Which is totally fine, just different from most relationship books I review here. He is somewhat ambivalent about pornography use. It’s crass at points and includes a fair amount of swearing. I’m not convinced all concepts are referenced (e.g., his 6 second hug is very close to Gottman’s 6 second kiss). Practically, it was a bit too wordy and could have used a cleaner edit. At the same time, some more specific relationship examples might have been beneficial (often examples were about other aspects of life). 

• It really is aimed at men and how they fail their wives. Because he is a man who has done so, it has credibility, but it does seem very one-sided. I’m not sure how well it would go for a wife to read this, decide it describes her husband, and then put it in his hands. So, perhaps men need to recommend it to men. 

• On a broader note - it continues the stereotype that women are emotional and men are rational, and neither can do the other well. 

• I can see it’s usefulness for those relationships with regular conflict and with accusations of not understanding each other. It could be of help to those who are new to considering emotions and their partner’s point of view.

In conclusion, it was an interesting read. I am appreciative of extra voices in the relationship space, and there is something refreshing about someone openly admitting their failings and learnings. Having said that, if you need relationship help and want to use a book to guide you, I’d probably suggest Gottman over this (either The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) or his newer one with his wife Schwartz Gottman: Eight Dates.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (updated)

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Some readers may recall that I have reviewed a number of Gregoire's books over the last 12 months - The Great Sex Rescue, The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex & The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. 

When I reviewed the Good Girl's Guide I noted how it was likely travelling back in time in an author's mind, seeing I first read her newer writing, then turned to what was written in 2012. Thankfully, Gregoire has done a complete update, re-releasing this book alongside the new one with her husband - The Good Guy's Guide - for men. 

As such, this is not a detailed review, because much of the content from 10 years ago is similar, and I have already reviewed it, Having said that, every question I raised with the last book has pretty much been addressed or changed. I'm still uncertain whether two books are needed to cover married Christian sex. I feel like one addressed to both partners could have more value. However, the Gregoires have chosen this path, and they've done it well.   

With the overarching premise that great sex is pleasurable, intimate, and mutual, Gregoire helpfully explores three aspects of intimacy – physical, spiritual, and relational. She covers sexual intimacy, orgasm, differences in libido, and challenges that couples face, and ways to grow in love, service, and pleasure with each other. It addresses many common questions and issues, as well as areas of disappointment or concern. 

I noted that at a number of points her message to women is "you're not broken". It's sad to consider how  often she must have heard this sentiment in order to keep addressing it.

An appendix covers honeymoon sex in detail, with lots of helpful tips and guidance, without being overly prescriptive. 

This is a detailed, frank, balanced, and honest book that promotes mutual pleasure in the bedroom. It works well on its own, but will have most value being read alongside the companion volume (and in fact, the questions for couples to work through are the same in each). 

My hesitations raised at the end of The Good Guy's review remain, especially regarding the Gregoire's online presence.

Despite that, these two books are now solidly near to the top of my recommended reading for married intimacy. 

The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex

The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Warning: this is a reasonably long review, with detailed discussion of marital sex.

Regular readers will know I have read a few of Gregoire’s books in recent months. The Great Sex Rescue (2021) focussed on problems with evangelical teaching on sex and tried to change the message. It was good, but also combative, and tried to do a bit too much. That led me to Gregoire’s earlier book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (2012). My review of that was very positive, but also noted that she seemed to have changed in her thinking in the intervening decade, and I would have been keen to know what she would alter now.

So, I am very pleased to hear that Gregoire is re-releasing a completely updated version of The Good Girl’s Guide next month, and has also written this companion guide for men with her husband: The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

Both Husband and I have read it and think it’s very good and has a lot to offer. There are three main sections and I’ll go through each.

Up close and personal (Part 1) - talks about what great sex is:

“Vulnerability, intimacy, orgasm – they're all designed to go together. That's what great sex is supposed to be, something that is at once physical, emotional, and spiritual. Emotional intimacy (trust and vulnerability), spiritual intimacy (feeling like you're one), and physical intimacy (the fireworks) – lose any one aspect, and you miss great sex entirely." (p.8)

They explain both the medical and practical aspects of how sex works, including a list of terms defined, details of how a woman’s monthly cycle works, and various types of contraception. I was surprised they didn’t include some basic diagrams here of male and female anatomy, obviously assuming more than just basic knowledge now exists in the general populace.

They then turn to the sexual response cycle, and how it can vary. For some (often men) desire leads to excitement, then arousal (called spontaneous desire), for others (often women) excitement leads to desire, then arousal (responsive desire). For couples to figure this out can be especially helpful. For if one is turned on and wants to have sex prior to any touch, and the other needs the touch to be interested and aroused, it can create tension if the difference is not understood.

There is a fair focus on the woman in these chapters:

“It works best for her if she can stop multitasking in her head, start concentrating on what’s happening in her own body, and just let herself experience it… For sex to work well, a women usually has to be a little “selfish” and pay attention to what’s going on in her body, and a man has to be unselfish and also pay attention to what’s going on in her body.” (pp. 25-26)

Part 2 considers in depth the three components of great sex: “sublimely pleasurable, totally mutual, and completely intimate” (p. 36), or in more words “learning how everything works physically, creating a great friendship that fuels your passion, and experiencing deep connection while you make love.” (p. 122).

The bulk of the book explores the three areas in depth.

Chapters on physical pleasure look at orgasm in detail, particularly for women. In fact, it was highly focussed on orgasm, stating women should orgasm most of the time, that it’s the husband’s job to make this a priority, and that sex works better when women orgasm first. My husband agreed that the responsibility falls to the man to ensure her pleasure, yet also wondered whether this could put more pressure on the wife to enjoy sex. There’s a careful balance point needed here, which we think they mostly got right. They also address some issues in this area, such as painful sex and erectile dysfunction.


Next, they turn to emotional companionship and closeness, and how this is much more important that the mechanics of sex. One of the helpful aspects of this discussion was the concept of the mental load that women bear. If men want to connect with their wife, help shoulder that load. You shoulder the load together because you are a team. They confront the idea that a husband should help in order to get sex - which makes sex transactional rather than relational. No, he helps because he cares, and it’s his home too:

“He isn’t doing dishes to get sex. He's doing dishes because that's what he should do. He's an adult. He eats. He dirties dishes. So he does dishes because he's a decent, mature, responsible human being – and women tend to be attracted to decent, mature, responsible human beings!” (p. 102)

They also consider how kids impact marriage, and give helpful suggestions for husbands to help in this area, enabling their wife to not always be only “mum”.

“But you can’t wait for vacations to nurture sex in marriage. If your relationship is going to be strong, sex has to be good even in the middle of the chaos. Yes, life is tiring. Yes, you have tons of competing demands on your time. Yes, kids are exhausting. But your relationship can be the anchor that helps you give you energy to handle all those other parts of your life. So grow your friendship. Shoulder your share of the load. And be thankful that, even in the chaos, you’re in this together.” (p. 109)

The third and largest section explores spiritual intimacy and oneness, noting that true connection cannot happen when there is shame or secrets between you, turning to the common areas that can be roadblocks. These include past trauma, triggers, and when we make sex sound ugly rather than loving and connected. I think the next three chapters are the most valuable and helpful for men:

1. Is sex a need? Considering the false idea that men need sex and that wives have been encouraged to make sure they provide it.

“When we make sex an obligation, then it’s no longer about a knowing. Rather, it becomes an owing. And that doesn’t build intimacy, it destroys it.” (p. 137)

Gregoire is frank here and appropriately so. He points out the complete wrongness of marital rape or any sexual coercion. In considering times when sex is off the table, such as for a period or postpartum, he notes: her pain is not a difficult time for you, this is a difficult time for her.

“If you were bleeding out of your genitals, would your first thought be how difficult it might be for your wife not to have access to them?” (p.142)

2. Considering the myths and facts of pornography. 

“Just because you used porn in the past does not mean your marriage is doomed. Keep using porn today, though? You’ll create a world of hurt.” (p. 147)

Again, bluntly, they state the realities of pornography use including: it is a betrayal of your wife, if you deflect responsibility to her you make everything worse, that the majority of Christian men experience victory over porn, and most past porn users recover. So, an equal measure of warning and hope.

3. Lust, which is often framed as problem with men’s purity but rather than an assault on women’s personhood, teaching that female bodies are sources of evil. In addition, if we say that every man lusts, we have normalised lewd behaviour.

“Men, we are capable of treating women with dignity. And when we do that, women will feel safer. Women will feel valued. And our marriages will fare better than if we portray lust as a never-ending battle that we will always be fighting - and losing.” (p. 173)

Finally, they turn to the chapter that is in every sex book - about spicing things up. There were wise boundaries here: for the key to passion in the bedroom for her is safety - knowing her comfort level matters to you, that your relationship is safe, and she doesn’t have to perform to keep your interest.

“Spicing things up has to be done not because you’re dissatisfied with her but because you want to experience more of her.” (p. 175)

Putting it all together (part 3) focusses on libido differences, “when you want more”.

They divide libido differences here into two categories - preference differences and when it is a problem. With preference differences, especially when sex is still happening quite frequently, they encourage the practicing of contentment, for:

“lack of contentment with frequency of sex, when sex is objectively frequent can create major problems in the long run.” (p. 189)

When libido differences become a problem though, they have a useful list of tough self-analysis questions for husbands, which include:

• do you ensure she feels pleasure?
• has sex been depersonalising?
• have you broken trust with your wife?
• do you practice good hygiene?
• are you emotionally vulnerable with your wife?

Appendix 1 helps the husband-to-be get ready for the honeymoon, with some wise and measured advice about expectations and starting out well, whether or not you have any sexual experience. Having said that, it really felt like a book aimed at those already in the married relationship.

Appendix 2 has some great questions for husbands and wives to work through together (apparently there are sets in both books). Throughout the book, they strongly encourage the use of skilled counsellors and experts (e.g., in overcoming pornography) when needed.


There are a few big picture things that could have been done better:

1. An overarching theological framework of sex would have been a great starting point. Something like: God made sex, sex is good, it’s a gift for a couple to enjoy together. Sin has marred it, and changed it. Yet, through Christ we have both forgiveness and redemption, and our sex lives can grow as we grow in Christ. 
2. The starting point was a little problem focussed, it started with the concerns about sex: “I don’t get enough, it’s not how I want it, my wife and I are on a different page”, etc. In fact, early on it is worded around helping your wife enjoy sex so that she wants it as much as you. And so, 
3. Sometimes I found the different messages for him vs her less helpful, even though they may often be true. They say: the wife gets the “rah-rah” book and he gets the “here’s how you can be her knight in shining armor book - because you can be your wife’s hero in the bedroom” (p. 4). There was a tendency to make it all about her (which frankly is a nice change, but I wasn’t sure if it didn’t swing too far in that direction). 

And a few minor things that weren’t as great:

1. Research is included to back up their position. This can be helpful, but they haven’t found the best way to present it. There are (thankfully) less tables and figures than The Great Sex Rescue, but they still aren’t easy to interpret. While some statistics are useful, quoting stats to a decimal point is overkill. (e.g. it’s much more readable to say 53% of women orgasm this way, rather than 55.3%).
2. This is being picky - but one statement really sat uneasily with me. Talking about multiple orgasm - i.e. once you figure it out, “you can thrust to your heart’s content (or to the content of other body parts), and she can keep climaxing the whole time!” (p. 58). It still seemed to turn her pleasure into being about him, and at a deeper level creates a level of expectation on women that not all may be able to or desire to fulfil. 

Having said that, this was one of only a few statements that sat uneasily, which means that we felt the majority of the book was a helpful tone, balanced, acknowledging issues and frankly addressing them, but giving hope for change and growth in a marriage that enjoys safe and secure sex.

Overall this is a very helpful wise and measured book for husbands who want both to love and honour their wives, and to care for them in and out of the bedroom. I recommend it for all husbands and look forward to reading the new updated version for women.


***

Extra note:
I feel it’s important to say that while I really like and will recommended this book, and suspect I will feel the same about the updated book for women, I am uncomfortable with the way the authors speak about other people. Their blog is increasingly combative and rude. They identify other Christian authors that have spoken about sex in a way that they disagree with, and attack them frequently. I agree that much of the church’s teaching has been unhelpful and that has been exacerbated by some writings on sex in marriage, however the Gregoires now seem to be painting themselves as the saviours of the evangelical sexual message, and decrying others who have different messages. They are neither gracious nor kind, and that is disappointing.

Is it Abuse?

Is it Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims, Darby A. Strickland (P&R Publishing, 2020)

This book falls into that sad category that while being excellent, Christ-centred, and extremely helpful, it is only because of deep sinfulness that it needs to be written and read. 

Darby Strickland is an experienced counsellor in the field of abuse, and brings her significant years of learning, helping, and writing to those who want to further understand domestic abuse, its impacts, and how to support those in the midst of it.

This is not for those who are experiencing domestic abuse, they would be better to start with her mini-book: Domestic Abuse: Help for the Sufferer. Those in church leadership who want to start the process of understanding this issue better would be well placed to begin with her other mini-book:

Domestic Abuse: Recognize, Response, Rescue. 

While this is highly recommended for all in church leadership and those in pastoral care, it is also for those who want to walk alongside women in these situations:

“I have written this book for anyone who desires to come alongside a victim, or victims, of domestic abuse. Maybe you are a church leader, friend, or counselor, and you find yourself dealing with the many layers of complexity that unfold as you encounter an abusive marriage.” (p. 15)

Strickland anchors abuse in the language of oppression:

“I want you to grow in your understanding of what is at the root of oppression and what the Bible says about it while also giving you the means to create pathways to safety and restoration for victims.” (p. 16)

She states her three goals are to prepare the helper to be able to:

• pick up on cues that something is wrong, 
• draw out stories to get clarity on situations and their severity, and 
• be equipped to provide wise and Christ-centred counsel as you navigate this complex issue. 

The whole book is worded around a male perpetrator and a female victim, noting that is her area of expertise, and that statistics suggest is to be the case in >95% of situations. She does however, acknowledge it can be the reverse, and that the principles can be applied to male victims.

I’m not going  into deep level detail in this review, but will rather give readers a general overview, and some quotes. It’s a significant topic, and those that are interested in pursuing it would be much better placed to read the book.

Broken into three parts, Strickland begins by unpacking abuse: Part 1: Understanding Oppression

First, she considers “Is it Abuse?” and the complications of trying to know. One one hand “abuse is easy to miss, but it is even easier to minimise” (p. 15), yet we must go very slow, for much is at stake “for labelling something as abuse when it is not will do damage of a different kind” (p. 26). So, go slow, compile stories and examples of power and control.

At the core of abuse, she suggests, is oppression:

“Abuse occurs in a marriage when one spouse pursues their own self interests by seeking to control and dominate the other through a pattern of coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviours… I like to use the term oppression, seeing as it provides a framework for this behaviour that is addressed in scripture and captures the domination that it involves. No matter what form the oppression takes, its intended outcome is the same: to punish and wound a victim so that an oppressor gets their world the way they want it.” (p. 24)

In the end, the assessment is for coercive control, rather than based on specific incidents, many of which could be explained away.

“Abused women tend to ask somewhat veiled questions as they try figure out if what they are experiencing is normal and if you are a safe person to talk to” (p. 22).

To be the helper we need to listen carefully, offer gentle words, restore her ability to make choices, and bring her the truth that God loves her, honours her and delights in her.

She suggests that at the root of oppression is entitlement:

“While we all struggle with entitlement, oppressors exhibit patterns of demanding and punishing that are retrenched, unbending, and unrelenting”. This person:

• Deflects all blame 
• Admits no wrongdoing 
• Renationalises punishing behaviours as being an appropriate response (p. 64). 

She considers six false beliefs of an oppressor, of which some or all might be present:

• It’s all about me 
• You and I need only to listen to me 
• Rules are not for me to follow, they are to keep me happy 
• My anger is justified 
• Other people attack me 
• I don’t have to appreciate what you do, but you have to appreciate what I do 

She then spends time considering the wide range of impacts of abuse on a victim, and how to help her speak.

Part 2 - Uncovering Oppression explores physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse in detail, expounding on what they might look like, how they might impact her, and how to help someone in this situation. There are specific inventories included, which might assist both a victim and her helper to assess the severity of her situation, and how it might have escalated over time.

She notes that emotional abuse is the hardest to quantify:

“A broad category that encapsulates many forms of non-physical control. But we do not want to wrongly expand this label or over apply it. There are many good marriages in which cruel words are sometimes exchanged, and many bad but non-abusive marriages in which couples fight in detrimental ways.“ (p. 179)

The key is to look for patterns of control and dominance. She also considers extreme neglect and gaslighting, as they are two of the most difficult situations to detect.

Part 3 - Upholding the Oppressed has a chapter on helping mothers and children, noting the danger many children are in abusive households. Most children are aware of what is happening in the home, and some women might need to teach their children how to leave the house in a violent situation, or to call the police.

The final chapter, supporting steps towards freedom, confirms much of what Strickland said throughout - change is slow, it can take months or years for women to comprehend and face the abuse they are living with, and longer to choose what to do about it, whether challenge it, ask for help, or safely leave. She sagely notes that for all these situations, women will “have to pick their pain” - because every option is hard, challenging, and potentially dangerous.

The book finishes with some excellent appendices:

• Safety plan - for a woman to fill out, especially in cases of physical abuse, which outlines what action she might take and when. 
• Ten ways to educate your church, concluding a reference to this online course 
• Detecting red flags during dating 
• Premarital abuse assessment 
• Abusive argument inventory 

Not surprisingly, this is a very sobering read. The stories included are heart-rending, and the detailed abuse inventories are awful to imagine someone living with. Yet, there is hope here too. Strickland deeply cares about women in these situations, she longs for them to experience freedom in Christ and to have a deep knowledge of God’s love for the weak, the vulnerable, and the mistreated. She calls on us to care for abused women and walk alongside them. She encourages the church to have a role in loving and caring for victims, as well as challenging and (ideally) calling perpetrators to genuine repentance. It's worth reading, but even more so, it's worth being better equipped to walk alongside people in these very challenging situations. 

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (2012)

Warning: includes frank discussion of married sexual experience.

My recent reading of Gregoire et al’s The Great Sex Rescue, led me to explore her blog and then to her older book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Overall, this is a very helpful book aimed at women about sexual intimacy in marriage, covering early sexual expression and encounters in detail, and then ways to grow sexually in love, service, and pleasure with each other.

She starts with the beauty of sex, and it’s unique place in your marriage:

“You know you’re with this man till death do you part. You have time to learn. You don’t have to know what’s good to you; you get to learn what’s good for us.”

She explores how men tend to desire sex more often that women, yet acknowledges some women have higher libidos than their husbands. She encourages women to prioritise sex in a helpful way for their husbands. Here is where there seemed to be some difference from her current view in The Great Sex Rescue, where she is much more strident about the risks of seeing yourself purely as the outlet of your husband’s physical needs. (I’ll come back to this comparison point later).

She then goes on to explore three areas of discovery:

1. Physical discovery: fireworks. Detailed chapters on the basics and mechanics of sex, including contraception. She covers the wedding night in detail, dealing with expectations, and addresses whether or not they are virgins. It is sensitive, rational, detailed and helpful, encouraging couples to talk with each other and be honest about their own desires and personal choices.

She then discusses the female orgasm in some detail. I was surprised by her decision to make a distinction (as to value) between a vaginal and a clitoral orgasm. She then addresses the issues for a man who has a low libido.

2. Spiritual discovery: bliss. Here she talks about what it means to make love, rather than have sex, and the connection between the couple. This section looks at the realities of pornography use and how to proceed when either struggle with it, and also presents a range of sexual practices and gives her opinion on them.

3. Relationship discovery - laughter. These chapters encourage women to be more willing to initiate and enjoy sex with their husband, and what becoming best friends in marriage looks like:

"Sex isn’t the basis for our relationship; it’s the culmination of everything else, especially the friendship that we share"

Then she draws it to a close, basically encouraging women to enjoy sex and make it a priority.

As I flagged above, it’s interesting reading someone’s current views first, followed by their views 10 years ago. As such, my guess is there is some content in this Guide that Gregoire herself might alter if it was published now. Some things seemed a little different to the The Great Sex Rescue, and I suspect she has slightly altered her opinion over time. I don’t mind that, we all do it. But it makes it harder to read someone in reverse and then interact with what they are saying. They aren’t major things either, just some nuance. The largest difference is that this book encourages women to make good sex a priority as a way to love their husbands well. The Great Sex Rescue was much more honest about the challenges that such a message may send and removes the onus from women to be responsible for a couple’s healthy sex life.

A combination of both books together would be excellent, but as in any case - the reader should sift through and make their own decisions about what they do and do not agree with.

Personally, I didn’t like her designation of ‘good girls’ vs. ‘bad girls’, and it does certainly have a North American feel to it. She does clarify what she means, and for her ‘good girl’ doesn’t mean you are a virgin on your wedding night, or that you aren’t struggling with sexual problems, or your past that you had no control over (in fact she helpfully points out that some are actually ‘sad girls’). It’s not based on what you do, but who you are, and the fact that you are redeemed by Jesus: “if you choose to follow God, and his design for sex, you’re a good girl”. Even so, maybe it’s my age showing through, but being called a ‘good girl’ did feel a little condescending.

So, while there are minor things that I would nuance differently, and I suspect Gregoire would now also, overall, I mostly agree with what she says. Because it’s addressed to women, it is harder to recommend to couples, but men will get a lot out of it if they take the time.

I wish there was one book that covered everything about sex in Christian marriage: a truly godly and wise perspective, allowing for personal expression and experience, and helping couples to rejoice in the gift of intimacy. However, that’s unlikely. Yet this offering from Gregoire goes a long way to adding wisdom to the current collection, and as such, is now high up on my recommended reading list on this topic.

Tying the Knot

Tying the Knot, Rob Green

As we continue our involvement in marriage ministry, we’re always on the lookout for good resources. This new book by Rob Green published by New Growth Press is a great option for marriage preparation. Green has designed a ‘pre-marital course’ for Christian couples who want to prepare well for marriage and to ensure that Jesus is at the centre of that marriage. He has produced a clear, Christ-focussed resource that a couple can work through alongside a mentor. It could be done without a mentor, but the benefit to the couple would be so much greater with a wiser, experienced person or couple alongside them (like a marrying minister). 

I think this one has risen to the near top of my favourite marriage preparation materials. It does what many don’t – combines a clear gospel truth of living with grace having Jesus as your focus and then thinks about how to apply that to various aspects of marriage.

In the introduction Green says he wants to avoid two misconceptions people have entering marriage, both of which are extremes:

• Marriage is hard and difficult with a miserable transition period
• Marriage is wonderful without any effort

We have encountered both viewpoints in couples and I am pleased he addresses it clearly from the beginning with the counter that marriage is given to enjoy, but it also takes commitment.

Then he states his goal – that you can have a marriage that brings pleasure to Christ and to you.   Before the first session, he wants couples to prepare four things:

• Ensuring they have parental support for their marriage (or the support of wise older people) 
• Set physical standards of conduct with each other
• Testimonies of each person’s conversion to Christ
• Two paragraphs on why they want to marry this person.

Each of these are the starting points of conversation with each other and with their mentor.   

Then follows eight sessions. The core is that Jesus must be at the centre of your life, this chapter reiterates the gospel message and how that impacts your marriage, as it is to reflect Christ and the church. From these seven different areas are addressed, all with the idea of Jesus being at the centre of each: love, problem solving, roles & expectations, communication, finances, community and intimacy. It’s comprehensive and easily readable, the chapters neither felt too long nor too brief.  

I was impressed with how he repeatedly uses scripture to bring you back to how to love one another as you love Jesus. Most chapters deal with the myths and misconceptions you will come to in marriage, and then look more realistically at what each topic looks like once you decide to let Jesus speak into them. The chapter on love and the analysis of 1 Cor 13 added a depth that was helpful and challenging. The comments on finances challenge couples to see their roles as stewards not owners, and pushed to guard against jealousy and towards sacrificial generosity. The chapter on community is a welcome and much needed reminder to couples that they need to commit to a church community to be matured, to serve and to let others care for them.

If you happen to be someone who prepares couples for marriage, you may be interested in this resource. For those who are already experienced in marriage preparation it could be something that assists you in the way you prepare couples for marriage. For those with less experience, or who are a bit more hesitant, you could use this material with confidence and it could become the main resource for your marriage preparation. There is an appendix for mentors at the end, where each chapter has a little more explanation about how to use the material well.

This is good material. We have a couple we are preparing for marriage, where we cannot meet with them in person until much after the wedding. This book seems to be a timely provision for them as they can prepare for their marriage with each other, and still have access to us if needed for assistance. It’s not the same as meeting together, but it’s a pretty good second option.