I have read most of the Gregoires’ books over the years and my reviews are very similar each time. There are positive elements to them and they have real benefits. Yet, some less appealing aspects undermine their value.
On the positive side: there is insightful discussion about the risks of stereotypes, biblical misuse, and unhelpful patterns in marriage. There is encouragement to make your marriage great, with helpful strategies that many couples will benefit from. The concepts of teamwork, mutuality, and sharing the load, yet taking responsibility for yourself are expounded in practical and realistic ways.
On the negative side: the Gregoires continue to have a combative stance in the Christian marriage space, setting themselves up as the experts who tear down others. While the subtitle suggests this book is built on scripture, in reality, verses are included as needed to support their views, with less attempt to interact with scripture that does not. I would have liked to see a genuine theology of marriage presented and use that as anchor, rather than responding to the messaging of others. Yet again, a huge amount of research data is included, which will cause most people’s eyes to glaze over. It could have been simplified in ways that could have reached the average reader much better.
They have structured the book around BARE marriage.
Balance - using your unique giftings and strengths to run towards Jesus together. They use a triangle model of two people under God (which is not new, we use it with couples as well) and it’s a helpful concept. Chapters address unity and teamwork, and explore the risk of gender stereotypes, problems with the view that the man is the tie-breaker in decisions, and the challenge of entitlement in a relationship (it’s not about your needs, rather the needs of the relationship).
Affection - finding joy and passion in being together. The friendship chapter encourages doing life together, responding to bids for connection, and making time for each other, solid and useful principles. The passion chapter is strong on intimacy being mutual and pleasurable for both, and addresses consent, sexual pain, desire discrepancy, spontaneous vs responsive desire, and encourages making orgasm for each a priority. The issues with pornography are openly discussed, and their argument is helpful - porn is a user system, so it wires our brains to think not about wanting to know the other, but wanting to use the other.
Responsibility - functioning as a team as you bear each other’s burdens, each carrying your own load. I really liked this section. It addressed the reality of the mental load of life and the impact on relationships when one person carries most of it. There was lots of practical wisdom here about how this could look, but a great measurement tool was to consider whether each partner has a similar amount of rest and downtime (rather than perhaps comparing hours worked and in what capacity). While that chapter was about sharing the load as a team, the next was about taking responsibility for yourself - learn how to do everything that needs to be done. Take care of your own needs - health management, appointments, etc. Essentially, if you would have to do that task if you were single, learn how to do it now.
Emotional Connection - being truly seen and feeling like you are home. Chapters cover speaking up, communicating and managing conflict better, sharing emotions and being responsible for your own regulation.
There is much in here of value. Lots of it is common sense. Other parts of it are solidly backed by evidence additional to their own research.
For those who are interested in such things: while the books don’t make this clear nor use the language, a quick look over their website/blogs/podcasts shows a strongly anti-complementarian stance. The stance does not concern me so much as the tone around it - rude, alarmist, and insulting. Conversations about errors and the consequences of some teachings need to be had and acknowledged, but I would prefer to see it done more graciously and in a way that allowed room for difference and interaction. (I’ve made similar comments about this tone in previous reviews.)
So, while I liked the book and what it has to offer, my broader hesitations are strong enough that I'm more reserved in my recommendation of it.
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