Home Work

Home Work: Essays on love and housekeeping, Helen Hayward (Puncher and Wattman, 2023) 

Home Work by Helen Hayward was a highlight of my recent reading. It is a gentle stroll through the unfolding years of her life, as she ponders what it means to care about her home, her household, and how it runs.

She outlines her early adult years, leaving Adelaide for London, and establishing a career. She struggled with the tension of enjoying a well-kept, inviting home with the reality and business of work and commitments: 

“And even while my thoughts were focused on my career, in my heart – a place I didn't often go – I never doubted that there was an art to running a home and that it was a worthwhile thing to do.”

Upon marriage and the subsequent arrival of children, the question of maintaining the home became front and centre: 

“From day one of motherhood, the emotional, imaginative and physical work of looking after my baby and home felt demanding. I felt I had no choice but to stay on top of household tasks…Cooking, organising, errands, shopping and cleaning became urgent. My life may not have depended on them but my sanity and well-being did.”

The family returned to Australia settling first in Melbourne and then in Tasmania. As Hayward’s mother got older and began questioning whether her life (spent at home with a focus on child-raising and volunteering) had value, Hayward was asking her own similar questions: 

“Was it possible to find meaning and satisfaction in housekeeping? And did this have something important to teach us about life itself? Eventually these questions snowballed into one giant question. Was our home work essential to living a good life or did it take away from it?”

What I really appreciated about this book was its tone. Hayward tells her story gently and honestly. She  doesn’t force her choices on you. She just shares her thinking, and perhaps others will find something in it for them.

She isn’t starry-eyed about the realities of managing a home: 

“Daydreaming about what family life might be like was easy in my early 30s. Housekeeping for the family that I went onto to have, as the years galloped by, was more challenging and time-consuming than I'd ever imagined.”

“What I do know, and do have words for, it's just how much love and effort it requires to keep up a warm and attractive home, especially with a family at the middle of it.”

Yet, there was a recognition of what was learnt in the process: 

“Being a mother of small children forced me into a self-reliance I had not known I was capable of.”

“What I didn't understand back then, what I couldn't fathom in my pigheaded adolescence, was the extent to which loving someone is to look after them. Aged sixteen I refuse to accept, it was incomprehensible to me, that loving someone is inseparable from caring for them practically, emotionally, and soulfully.”

She concludes that the reason that you maintain a home is mainly to love the people in it. 

“It's a daily expression of my willingness to do things that I don't really care about, for the sake of something bigger that I really do care about. For me, these big things are love and beauty. The kind of love that I've stumbled on goes beyond family, to everyone I care about. It extends to everyone I know who is in the throes of doing this difficult thing called life.”

Much of what Hayward shares echoes my own thinking in this area. I suspect she is only 5-10 years older than me and her story has many similarities. I have also chosen to be the primary person at home, managing the household for 25 years. This doesn’t mean there isn’t another focus elsewhere - Hayward was in paid employment for many years, and I have given much time to unpaid ministry. While I might be initially be tempted not to think of myself as very “homemakery”, when I think back over the years, I realise I have taught myself how to do basic home maintenance, clean gutters, change doorknobs, make bread, cook, paint a room, make jam, sew curtains, and so on. The things that keep a house going.

Like many, I have found there is both a tediousness to the never-ending cycle of cleaning, washing and cooking. Yet, there is also a sense of satisfaction in maintaining a welcoming home, where everyone is fed and clean, and where things work. And even more so - when others are served and loved by your actions.

This is what I appreciated about this book. It made me recall and reflect again on why I have chosen the path I have.

You are still a mother

You are still a mother: Hope for women grieving a stillbirth or miscarriage, Jackie Gibson (New Growth Press, 2023)

In this heartfelt and honest book, Jackie Gibson reaches out to mothers who have lost a child due to stillbirth or miscarriage, and shares the comfort and love of God who is with them in their pain. She begins by sharing the devastating story of the stillbirth of her daughter Leila, and so forms an immediate connection with the reader - this is someone who knows this sadness.

Each brief chapter brings a truth about God to the fore, in light of such loss. These include:

• Cling to God’s truths - we believe in the darkness, what we have seen in the light. 
• We turn to Jesus, the man of sorrows, who wept at death and knows what it is to suffer. 
• God is sovereign, even in this. This can help with the ‘what-ifs’, for God numbered this child’s days. 
• Questioning whether God really is good, if he allowed this to happen. As Job conceded, there are things too wonderful about God for us to grasp, and sometimes we have to live with not knowing the why. 
• The child is safe in the arms of Jesus. 
• The child is precious in his sight (and what has happened is not a punishment for any sin). 
• In time, you may see that God has not wasted your suffering. 
• Suffering makes us groan for our home in heaven. 

Gibson also addresses other aspects of loss:

• You are still a mother, for motherhood begins at conception 
• She notes that there is a particular complexity to grief with a miscarriage before a baby’s gender is known. 
• The pain and grief will change, but be aware of symptoms of trauma and stress. 
• You have had a significant loss, don’t allow our society to minimise it. 

I realise starkly writing the topics out above has unhelpfully reduced them to simplistic points. While the chapters are short, there is nothing simplistic about the content. Gibson has carefully worded everything she says to represent gospel truths with compassion and care. Because it is both very short and very caring, it could be read soon after a grief. The rawness may assist some to express their own pain. It’s clearly aimed at mothers, but fathers will also find much to help them process their loss as well. It is also for Christians. I wouldn’t give this to an unbeliever with such a loss. Partly because it is only through the gospel that the truths of God’s goodness and sovereignty in this context are a comfort. But also because while she is confident that the unborn children of believers are safe in the arms of Jesus, she does not comment about the unbeliever, leaving this unspoken question unanswered.

I particularly liked her comments about the everlasting arms (from Deut 33:27).

“There was only one pair of arms that could hold me through the worst moment of my life—the everlasting arms of an eternal God.”

And the reminder from an anonymous author:

“Suffering is not a question that demands an answer. It is not a problem that requires a solution. It is a mystery that needs a presence.”

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.  

Bringing Forth Life

Bringing Forth Life, Jodie McIver (Growing Faith, 2023)

I really liked this book by Jodie McIver, which considers pregnancy and birth from a Christian perspective:

“God uses our pregnancy, birth and new parenthood - in all its intensity, joy and pain - to transform us in knowledge and likeness of him.” (p14)

McIver is well equipped to author such a book, being a midwife with three children, who has studied theology and works alongside her husband in ministry. She wants to bring us to a bigger picture of birth - one which considers God’s role in us shaping us and teaching us, and showing us his mercy and care. While it is for anyone, and certainly partners, family, support people, and those in Christian healthcare would benefit, it is really aimed at pregnant women. In addition, being Australian makes it very relevant for our local context, especially regarding options for birth and how pregnancy care is managed.

McIver first explores the realities of bringing forth life. Chapters consider the bible as the ultimate birth story, the privilege of womanhood, and the good changes that God works in us through pregnancy and birth:

“entry into motherhood involves Christ-like works of taking weakness upon ourselves to bring new life to another. We are privileged to join with God in the high calling of bringing forth life through costly love.” (p33)

I really appreciated her body positive comments about how we physically change through the process of entering motherhood. For those that find the physical marks of childbirth hard and long for the pre-baby body, she encourages us to see that our body “is now an upgraded model, complete with marks of life-giving and costly love” (p42).

The second part explores the uncertainty that this stage of life brings, the additional suffering and pain some bear, options for pregnancy care and various testing procedures, as well as choices for giving birth, yet all the whole reminding of the reality that we are not in control, but our sovereign God is.

The final section section explores being a newborn mother - from the moment of meeting your baby, that range of emotions experienced in the early days and weeks, how family changes and the support we can access around us, summing us with wise and insightful comments on the whole process of matrescence (becoming a mother).

“Although it may feel, at times, like we are losing our lives or ourselves in becoming a mother, what we are experiencing is an opportunity for reorientation and radical new growth in Christ’s image. God understands the true cost of bringing forth life.” (p161)

The whole book deftly balances acknowledging and understanding the challenges many women face with the change into motherhood, yet also encouraging us to see the wonder, joy, and privilege of all aspects of becoming a parent. Biblical themes of labour, birth, and parenthood are highlighted and expounded. All of this is embedded in God’s promises and character, and links are regularly drawn between God’s loving and sacrificial care for us and how that can be echoed in how we care for our children. She offers balanced perspectives throughout, honouring choice and options, with a clear respect for the gift of life.

This is an excellent book. Highly recommended reading for any Christian entering parenthood (especially motherhood), and for those who support them. I wish I had it when I was pregnant!

I was given a pre-release ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

For the Joy

For The Joy, edited by Miriam Chan and Sophia Russell 

As clearly explained in the subtitle, this book contains “21 Australian Missionary Mother Stories on Cross-Cultural Parenting and Life”.

Editors Miriam Chan and Sophia Russell, have skilfully drawn together a marvellous range of women to speak of their experience being mothers on the mission field, across different circumstances. Some are dwelling in large cities in Asia or South America, others live rurally in Africa or South-east Asia. Some are retired and are reflecting on years of service with now adult children, and others are still on the field in the midst of parenting young ones. Some are homeschooling, others are working in paid ministry roles.

Within that range however, some things unite them all. They all have a trusting faith that they are saved by God’s grace alone and they share a conviction to serve the Lord overseas. All have been humbled to realise their own weakness in situations that have been challenging. All call Australia their home country, or their sending country. They are all mothers, and write from their perspective as mothers. All have had cause to reflect on parenting in a cross-cultural context - to see the benefits and the challenges of raising “third culture” kids. And every story finishes with a confirmation that God is good, that God is faithful, that he is with us in all circumstances, and that serving him has been worth it.

Some stories invite us into the ordinariness of parenting, the little people that you care for, love, protect and teach. These are similar wherever you are, even if still in Australia. Other stories will cause you to wonder, “how did she live through that?” “How did they keep going?”. You may find yourself weeping for the loss and grief some families have experienced, while also noting that some of the tragedies could still have happened in Australia.

Although all the contributors are Australian missionary mothers, it would be a great shame if only other Australian missionary mothers read this book. There is much here to encourage and challenge all Christian mothers as we think about parenting with faith. But men too should be reading this, to appreciate the service, faithfulness and challenges facing mothers serving overseas. I’m sure this is being put in the hands of many women planning to go on the field as well, although my word of caution would be to read it with others prayerfully and talk about it together, rather than read it solo imagining yourself in all the situations.

Anyone who supports missionaries should read it to gain insight into the potential joys and challenges for families on the field. Indeed, if you are like me, and have been in Australian Christian circles for a while supporting and encouraging mission, there’s every chance you’ll know some of these women personally, maybe your church has been supporting them, or you may have been praying for them for years through mission organisation prayer diaries.

Some mothers might worry that “the average Christian mother” reading it would end up feeling “not good enough”. That is, thinking our life is not that hard and yet we really struggle, or that we could never be that faithful, or that trusting in God, or that prayerful. But that would be missing the point. These are stories about women in various encouraging and challenging circumstances, but who all have had to trust in God in their weakness, lack of support, or despair. I found them incredibly encouraging, and a helpful challenge to my own faithfulness in parenting.

I usually include lots of quotes when I review a book, but I decided just to read and appreciate this one. Having said that, I’ll include one from Penny’s story that sums up what many of the women indicated:

“[God] slowly broke down the expectations I’d had for myself around what living missionally looked like, and taught me the value of forming genuine friendships and unconditional love. Missional living wasn’t about me being a hero. It was about me walking humbly with God, allowing Him to set the priorities - kingdom and gospel priorities - for how I could respond to my family and community.”

Yes, this is an honest, challenging, and sometimes confronting collection of stories. But it is also a refreshing way to see God’s goodness in all circumstances and to be reminded that parenting is a God-given gift that we do well not to squander. Most of all, this is a collection that bears testimony to our faithful Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and his work both in individual people and across the nations of the world.

This post first appeared on The Gosopel Coalition Australia website. 

Between Us Girls

Between Us Girls, Trish Donohue 

Are you a mother with a tween or teen daughter? If so, my guess is you might be a bit like me and seeking ways to connect with her at the right level. Trying to bring God’s word to bear in a winsome way across the range of things you talk and think about. You know there are lots of topics you want to talk through and probably more you haven’t even considered yet, but you don’t want to only do so reactively. You want to think ahead with your daughter and help prepare her for the joys and challenges for a young woman growing into adulthood.

If that’s the case, Between Us Girls by Trish Donohue might be just what you are looking for. Donohue has done much of the work for us and has provided a readily accessible book for mums* and daughters to read together. Naming them ‘walks’: each is designed to be read with no preparation, anywhere you like – at home, in a coffee shop or indeed out walking together. All you need is the book and a bible. Donohue has 26 walks each covering a different topic, and each is split into 4 sections:

• The garden: what God’s vision is for us.
• The weeds: how sin has messed this up.
• The hill: how the gospel and what Christ has done helps free us from the grip of sin.
• The field: where we start putting these truths into action.

Right away we dive into the foundation of what we believe with the gospel beautifully and simply explained. What Donohue does next is wonderful; after explaining God’s plan of salvation she simply states:

‘Without understanding this plan, the rest of this book will sound like this: “Be a better person, blah, blah, blah; don’t be like those bad girls, blah, blah, blah.”’

My girls loved this, they thought it was funny but also understood the point: what Jesus has done changes how we live: not because we have to, but because we want to.

Getting straight to the point, the question for mums is: “Describe how you realized your need for a Saviour. Was it sudden or gradual? What details do you remember?” For girls: “Have you repented of your sin and received Jesus’ gift of righteousness? If not, have you ever thought about it?”

So straight up, both mum and daughter can hear each other’s stories of faith to this point, which for many may be the first time they have explicitly talked about it.

Then we dive into the remainder of the topics covered, which include relationships (our families, our friends, our role models), insight into who we are (our feelings, our flair, our appearance, our design, our weaknesses), our spiritual life (our devotions, our prayers, our church) and considerations into how we live now and into the future (our work, our reach, our hard times).

We loved the comment in Our Feelings:

“Believe it or not God created our feelings and emotions (….) Can you imagine Adam and Eve plodding around the garden of Eden stating in bland voices, “This. Piece. Of. Land. Appears. Adequate.” No way! They were probably splashing in steams, cracking up over the crazy animals, and oohing and aahing over that first sunset.”

Our Devotions and Our Prayers point out how cool and surprising it is that the God of the universe wants to be in a relationship with us. Both mothers and daughters are challenged to consider whether they are more likely to tend towards legalism or laziness, and to encourage one other to continue to progress forward. Donohue is honest about the challenges of prayer, and encourages girls to practice praying the bible.

Our Design introduces girls to how God has designed men and women differently and it was a good age-appropriate introduction to the topic: “Creation shows us that God made men and women differently with great purpose and design. The gospel shows that we each have dignity and worth. May our lives show that we trust his wisdom and delight in who he has made us.” Our Flair was a lovely introduction to the different ways God has gifted each of us, and encourages each girl to find delight in their own skills and gifts, and to find ways to bless and serve others with them.

Every single chapter was biblically sound, instructive and wise. Donohue’s writing style is very appealing: serious when appropriate, direct at points, and funny and a bit silly at other times. The sharing questions for mothers and daughters always extended the conversation further. With 26 walks outlined, even managing it only once a week, you could do it over six months. I read it with Miss 10-11 and Miss 12-13 over the last year and I can well imagine getting it out and reading it together again in another few years. We did it as a group of three, which worked for us, but there would also have been great value in me reading it with each daughter individually. Every time took about 20-30 minutes as we curled up in bed, read the chapter and bible verses, chatted through the questions and thoughts raised, and prayed together. Each time we came away feeling closer to one another and knowing a bit more about each other.

Was there anything missing? A chapter on developing romantic interest and considerations for dating may have been helpful (although it is alluded to elsewhere). In addition, a conversation on some of the risks and allure of the teen years including wise choices with alcohol and drugs, as well as an awareness of potential mental health issues would have been useful. But these are minor because some of the other conversation topics could lead in this direction, and Donohue is honest about the book aiming to be a conversation starter, rather than covering everything.

While the language is written for mothers and daughters, it could easily be adjusted to suit other mentoring relationships, including a grandmother and granddaughter; godmother and god-daughter, or aunt and niece. It could even be adapted, with some care, for a small group setting.

Mother and daughter relationships (especially in the teen years) can bring great joy and great stress. There are tensions, words that are regretted, and worries that do not seem to cease. Yet there are also moments of wonder and awe at who our girls are becoming. While as mothers we continue to trust in our sovereign Lord’s good plans for our daughters, and we continue to work out daily what it means to cast our anxieties for our girls onto the Lord because he cares for us and them, we also want to proactively guide and grow our daughters in these years. This book gives us some great wisdom and help to do that. Highly recommended.


*Being American this book speaks about “moms”, but I have written “mums” for our Australian context.
This review was first published on The Gospel Coalition Australia website. 
I received an e-copy of this book from New Growth Press in exchange for an honest review.

Continue On

Sometimes you come across something that touches your heart.  This was one for me.  My husband gave me this after I found myself asking similar questions.  Perhaps you might like it too...

A woman once fretted over the willfulness of her life. She feared she was wasting her potential, being a devoted wife and mother. She wondered if the time and energy she invested in her husband and children would make a difference. At times she got discouraged because so much of what she did seemed to go unnoticed and unappreciated. “Is it worth it?” she often wondered. “Is there something better I could do with my time?”

It was during one of those moments of questioning that she heard the still small voice of her heavenly Father speak to her heart.

“You are a wife and mother because this is what I have called you to be. Much of what you do is hidden from the public eye – but I notice. Most of what you give is done without praise – but I am your reward.”

“Your husband cannot be the man I have called him to be without your support. Your influence upon him is greater than you think and more powerful than you will ever know. I bless him through your service and honor him through your love.”

"Your children are precious to Me, even more precious than they are to you. I have entrusted them to your care to raise for Me. What you invest in them is an offering to Me. You may never be in the public spotlight, but your obedience shines as a bright light before Me. Continue on. Remember, you are My servant. Do all to please Me.”

(by Roy Lessin)

Say it again in a nice voice

Say it again in a nice voice, Meg Mason

I have just recently dipped a toe back into the genre that is mummy-writing.   You know - those stories about motherhood that can make you laugh and cry with recognition in equal measure.  The ones that make you realise that other people's lives are like yours and some parts of it all really are very funny.

Say it again in a nice voice, by journalist Meg Mason is one of those.  What I liked about it was that she had kids young (at 25) almost ten years ago.  Her recollections of having babies in the early-mid 2000s are very similar to some of mine.  So I laughed out loud with recognition and understanding of this gem:

If you were any kind of earthy parent in 2004, you were deeply disdainful of jar food.  The banana custard laced with dextrose, the lamb casserole in squishy form.  This was before those squishy-sided packets of only-vegetable purees had been invented, instantly destigmatising factory-made baby food and creating an entire generation of toddlers who stumble around in the park self-administering pumpkin and sweet corn at ten in the morning.  (p85)

And this one, about the ever constant steam of Australians who move to London:

Moving to London in your twenties is so much like having a baby later on.  You're pretty sure you're the first person to ever think of it or experience all its glory and hardship.  Others will follow you there, but you'll always retain a quiet belief that were it not for your pioneering venture they'd never have done it.  (p7)

While very funny throughout, Meg Mason has done a good job of summarising some of the struggles of motherhood.  She has tried both staying at home with her kids and working, and so has insights into each.  Their family struggled with low to almost no income for a while and she has lived the strain that entailed. 

As she says about those early day of mothering:

the fact is every woman has to discover how to be at home with children for herself.  Whether she spends six weeks or the rest of her life as a stay at home mother, the early days are a solo voyage into the new world. (p26)

It is mildly crass at times, but it is also laugh out loud funny (as I discovered to my embarrassment on a plane recently!).  If you had kids in the last decade and want some light, entertaining reading, try this one.

Mother's Day

I wonder what Mother's Day means to you. It may cover a large range of emotions, perhaps:

Joy & thankfulness

• for your mother, and your relationship with her
• for the blessing of your own children, and your relationship with them
• for the encouragement it is to see you mother or children continuing on in the faith and growing stronger

Sadness

• at the distance that separates you from your mother or your children
• because you are estranged from your mother or your children, and you long to repair the rift
• because you watch them make choices that you disagree with, and wonder how to support them

Grief

• at the loss of your mother
• at the loss of your child
• at the loss of the chance to become a mother

Tiredness

• because of the day-to-day realities of being a mum
• because of the need for you to care for your elderly mother

We experience these emotions at different times, but Mother's Day is one of those days that can bring them out a little more.

****

Whatever your emotions on Mother's Day, I hope you have a chance to stop and:

• give thanks for those women who have mothered you and cared for you
• to pray for yourself as you mother and care for the children around you

I will be.

The Mom Song (by Go Fish)

I found this via the girltalk website - a great, fun song about Mums (or Moms!)

5 conversations with your daughter

Book Review: 5 Conversations you must have with your daughter, Vicki Courtney

There is a lot in the media these days about girls, how they grow up too early, they are oversexualised, and so on. I have ordered Melinda Tankard Reist's book Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, and am still waiting for Fishpond to deliver it. While I am looking forward to reading it, I suspect I may well feel overwhelmed by the problems and not have any idea what to do.

This book, 5 Conversations, helps you with what to do. She helpfully presents the issues facing girls and young women, and talks to us as mothers as to how we can show our daughters that there is another way to go.

Her 5 conversations are:

1. You are more than the sum of your parts - a look at beauty, size, weight, appearance, etc, as well as the lies in the fashion industry and the media.

2. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up - some ideas on growing up, friendships, boys and dating. She had some good ideas and principles in this area both with regard to friendships and with boys.

3. Sex is great and worth the wait. She talks about the reality that most women will not wait for marriage and the implications that it has. Again she addresses the lies that society tell you about sex, and what they don't tell you about (eg. STDs, pregnancy, emotional attachment, etc). There was a particularly honest and moving chapter about the realities of teen pregnancy and the author's own experience after choosing to have an abortion at 17.

4. It's OK to dream about marriage and motherhood. It's OK and it's normal for women to want these things. She also addresses the misunderstanding surrounding how easy it is to have children later in life, ie. the myth that women really can 'have it all'.

5. Girls gone wild are everywhere - dare to be different. Be different by being servant- hearted and virtuous.


It is very easy to read and full of good ideas. Throughout it Courtney also talks to us as mothers, challenging us to think about the message we are sending our daughters in areas such as how much time we spend on our own appearance and how we supervise our girls. She also addresses how to talk to our daughters about our own mistakes as teenagers, and when and how to be honest with them. She also has a blog where she talks about each conversation and age-appropriate things to say for each one, ie for 0-5s, 6-11s and over 12s. (see these links: age appropriate things for conversation #1), for #2, #3, #4 and #5.

She concludes the book with these words:

If you practice the principles contained in these pages and lean on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and discernment, you will have provided your daughter with the tools to embrace God's truths and reject culture's lies. You can't force her to build her life on God's truths - she will have to make that decision on her own. ... God is not looking for perfect mothers to raise perfect daughters. He's looking for imperfect mothers who are raising imperfect daughters in an imperfect world, and desperately dependant on a perfect God for the results. (p257)

Well worth reading. 

Girl talk

My summer reading kicks off with two books about mothers and daughters - reviewed today and next week.

Book review: Girl talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on Biblical Womanhood, Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre

Another great book from the girltalk bloggers. Mother-daughter team Carolyn and Nicole have made a book for mothers and daughters to help them grow closer together and really talk about the issues that women face today and how to be godly women in all circumstances. Using the language of biblical womanhood, they explore all aspects of life and the challenges for women as they try to be different from secular society.

The wonderful results of building our relationships on the foundation of God's Word are joy, peace, fellowship, and fun that make the mother-daughter bond strong. Far from being a duty or obligation, the mother-daughter relationship can be one of the greatest blessings of our lives...

This must be the aspiration of all mothers and daughters: the successful transfer of the qualities of biblical womanhood that sparkle with the gospel. - so that in the midst of this me-centred, self-focused, ungodly language of our culture, we can speak the refreshingly pure, altogether true and saving message of Jesus Christ. (p26, 27)

They have divided the books into 2 parts, I'll briefly summarise what each of them cover

I) The Forging of the Mother-Daughter bond - that God made our family, so the mother/daughters we have are his choice for us; how to maintain communication; conflicts; for mothers - their faith, example, love & discipline; and for daughters - their honour and obedience.

II) Biblical Womanhood in the Real World - navigating the realities of life: friendships, guys, beauty, modesty, homemaking, reputation, courting and marriage.


This was a helpful book that has already made me start thinking about areas where I want to be pro-active with my daughters. They are only 2 & 4, but it's good to think about these in advance!

Here are some things I liked:

1) Her advice about teenage years when girls tend to move away from their mothers. She talks about actively being present in those years and not allowing daughters to move away and stop talking to their mothers, because really they do need encouragement, advice and help in these years, even if they don't think they do.

Biblical womanhood is transferred through our example, our speech, and by teaching these virtues in the nitty-gritty of everyday life.

This process requires a relationship. Clearly, for me to exert any meaningful influence in my daughters' lives, I must be close to them. I must be consistently, actively and intimately involved in their world. And while this is important at any stage it is absolutely crucial during the teenage years. (p42-43)

2) The chapter on communication - she had five principles: Godly mother-daughter communication starts with Mum*, happens all the time, is about the Word of God, is open and honest and is possible through the grace of God. I found this helpful thinking about all the things we talk about in a day, and making sure that I am open to conversation all the time (even when I often I like a little silence!)

3) Her suggestions for a mother to show her tender love for her daughter: pray, take an interest, listen closely, encourage, express affection and make memories (p77-79)

4) The way she thinks through teaching our daughters the practicalities of modest dress, passing on the ideas of true beauty, dating boys and then moving towards marriage.

The only thing that sat uncomfortably with me was the emphasis on teaching daughters to be homemakers. Now I agree that we should be teaching our daughters how to manage a home, including cooking, cleaning and washing. However:

• we should also be equally teaching these skills to our sons, and
• I struggled with her emphasis on making the home beautiful. I don't think we need to be teaching them how to home-decorate, but how to manage a home. This assessment may be a little harsh though, it just seemed like there was more attention here to some things that I would see as unimportant (eg. how to wrap presents, etc)

However, I suspect even my hesitation over this is my response to societal views that women should not have to be at home doing all these things, even though, I have chosen to be at home and do all these things! What I did like was her emphasis that we can teach our daughters that there can be real joy in managing a home and it does not have to be seen as drudgery. We can choose to see it as a privilege to care for a family and their needs, or view it as an imposition that we are the cook, cleaner, etc. As mothers, we will be passing on our attitudes to these things, whether we realise it or not.


It's a book worth reading for any Christian mother with daughters, especially those approaching or in the teenage years.

* Note - they use 'Mom' for all references, but because it is more natural for me and most of my readers to use 'Mum' I have changed to that.

At home and not happy - pt 2

A few weeks ago, I had a post about an article in Adelaide's Child, written by a woman who struggles being at home, and was quite honest about it. I didn't emphasise it in my post, but she was quite negative about her husband and the help she receives from him. Jenny has noted a reply in this month's Child magazine, by a man who noted that his wife's similar attitude ended being a catalyst for the end of their marriage.

If I went away on a business trip, it was labeled a 'junket' or 'holiday... House tasks were done by her before I'd even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking regularly to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever-growing list of inadequacies. One day, after three years, I couldn't take it anymore ... so I walked out... Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviours...

So my advice to those unhappy stay-at-home parents - male or female - is to mentally reframe your situation in a more positive light, and stop thinking it's all about you...It is temporary and will pass, and you'll get your life back. You wanted kids, and this all goes with the territory - don't damage or destroy your relationship because of a temporary situation. And don't forget your partner...

It's a letter that's as open and honest as the original article was, with some helpful counters to it.

As Jenny says, it is certainly a challenge to those of us who are tempted to complain, to realise that our husbands are not the enemy. And (by the way) neither are the kids!

At home and not happy

This is the title of an article in this month's Adelaide's Child magazine (and therefore I presume also in Sydney's Child, Melbourne's child, etc).

One disappointing thing about these magazines is that they do not provide copies on the internet (it's a free magazine, so one wonders why not? and they don't even have an email address to send this suggestion to!). So sadly I cannot give you a link to the article, but hope instead that if you are a parent, you are able to get your hands on a copy.

This article At Home and Not Happy, written by Mary Kirby, really stood out to me, mainly because of the honesty in her writing:

I am sick of motherhood. Completely sick of it. More accurately, I am completely sick of stay-at-home motherhood.

I have two children, a three-year old boy and a 15-month old girl, and I laugh bitterly at that oft-proffered advice to 'enjoy the pre-school years because they're gone before you know it'. In my past life, nobody ever felt the need to advise me to enjoy something. If an activity was enjoyable, I simply enjoyed it, without making a conscious decision to do so. The fact that when it comes to raising children, people feel the need to remind you to 'enjoy yourself', validates my experience that parenting toddlers full-time is filled with many more moments of frustration, boredom, self-doubt and resentfulness than periods of unbridled pleasure.

She goes on to make a number of comments about the division of labour in the home when mothers stay home and also about how if her husband does anything at all for the children, he is immediately labelled a 'great father' where she does the same things and more all the time. She ends with:

I don't want to write an article that complains about the burdens of being a stay-at-home parent, but ends with a declaration of how much I love my children, or how stressful it was at the time, but now we all look back on it and laugh, in order to reassure people that despite the difficulties, parenting is a noble and worthwhile pursuit. Perhaps one day I will look back of the toddler years with fond memories of my children's innocence, and chastise myself for not enjoying these fleeting years more. However, here in the midst of toddler-land, I'm finding lots of aspects of being a stay-at-home parent very tough, and I want to be honest about this so that anyone else with similar thoughts knows that they're not alone.

In many ways, I am thankful for her honesty in this article, she echoed thoughts I have had and I know friends have had. We have chosen to be mums-at-home, but we struggle with it - because it is hard, hard work, unrecognised by many and unappreciated by the little ones we care for.

However, it also concerns me. I hope her children never read the article when they are older, and it is not complementary about her husband, mother or mother-in-law either. The way she finishes also raises questions - surely she does love her children, and that makes much of what she does worthwhile. And the points she makes at the end, are often the point - it will pass and you do love them.

So, it made me think - for those of us who are mums of young kids, or those who have passed this stage, but remember it clearly - what helps you to keep on going??

Here are some thoughts (or some things that have worked for me at times):

1. Remember the grace of God. God loves us, he cares for us and he strengthens us. He loves our children and he has given them to us as a precious gift for a short period of time.

2. Remember how you would feel if you did not have your children (or for those for whom conception was difficult, remember that grief) and thank God for them. Many women grieve the loss of children, through miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility or the lack of opportunity - and would happily trade your daily drudgery for their pain.

3. Be open with others. I have found opening up with close friends (especially those whom will pray) about the challenges I face as a mother has helped me many times.

4. While it seems like forever in the middle of it, remember that this, like everything is another season of life, and it will pass.

5. Remind yourself that your goal is to see them mature and grown, both in Christ and as responsible adults - and that takes time, a lot of time! We are not there yet, we cannot expect more of little ones.

6. No amount of dissatisfaction or discontentment with being a mother is an excuse for sin. We are still to be self-controlled, gentle, loving, kind and patient. (And if you are like me, to pray daily for it!)

7. Some practical things I have found helpful:
- when the children are really bothering you, get out a camera and try to take photos. Babies are usually photogenic and even a screaming photo is worth having to show them later! Older kids often like to pose and smile for the camera. It can break the bad mood feeling as you have fun smiling for the camera together.
- more seriously, and related to #2 above, when you are up in the middle of the night (again) and are exhausted and want to sleep - pray for friends who are trying to conceive, knowing that they long to be up in the middle of the night holding their child.
- if you are listening to crying (again) and trying to get a baby to sleep (again) - be thankful that you know where they are and that they are safe. It's very likely that in their teen years you will long for them to be home and safe in bed at night.


Do you have any other suggestions?

Mother's Day

I wonder what Mother's Day means to you. It may cover a large range of emotions, perhaps:

Joy & thankfulness

- for your mother, and your relationship with her

- for your own children, and your relationship with them

- for the encouragement it is to see you mother or children continuing on in the faith and growing stronger

Sadness

- at the distance that separates you from your mother or your children

- because you are estranged from your mother or your children, and you long to repair the rift

- because you watch them make choices that you disagree with, and wonder how to support them

Grief

- at the loss of your mother

- at the loss of your child

- at the loss of the chance to become a mother

Tiredness

- because of the day-to-day realities of being a mum

- because of the need for you to care for your elderly mother

We all experience these emotions at different times, but Mother's Day is one of those days that can bring them out a little more.

***

Girltalk blog has also been picking up these themes in the last few days:

Her children rise up and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28

Do you have a hard time picturing this ever happening to you? Oh sure, your kids “rise up”--all the time! Your baby may “rise up” and call (very loudly) at 1:00 am and 2:30 am and 5:00 am. Your toddler might “rise up” with temper tantrums or endless calls to meet his needs. Your school-age child might “rise up” and call you to take her to this activity and help her with that book report. Your teenager may “rise up” in anger at your decisions and call you “strict” or “unfair.”

It may be very hard to imagine your children ever rising up to obey you, rising up to ask for your advice, rising up to thank you, rising up to follow your example, rising up to serve you, rising up to call you blessed.

Carolyn encourages mums to continue on, for you will reap if you continue, read the rest here - in a A Weary Mother's Day.

***

And also in A Sad Mother's Day, Carolyn writes about the grief that can be present on Mother's Day.

For you, weariness is merely the byproduct of numbing sadness. You don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day. A day that reminds everyone else of what they have, reminds you of what you’ve lost—as if you needed another reminder.

Maybe your child has rebelled and doesn’t want anything to do with your family. Or maybe you’ve lost a child through death.

I wish I knew the right words to say to you. If I could sit with you today, I would want you to know how inadequate I feel to comfort you. I know that no words of mine can dull the pain. But after I had grieved with you awhile I would remind you of the comfort of the cross.

****

Whatever your emotions on Mother's Day, I hope you have a chance to stop and:

- give thanks for those women who have mothered you and cared for you

- to pray for yourself as you mother and care for the children around you

And to my Mum - I thank God for you.



***
A late addition from another blog The Pipers - talking about the grief on Mother's Day after losing a child, both the post and the comments are especially poignant.

Photos from stock.xchng

Public Mummy

Well, my recent comment about being an Angry Mummy, resonated with a few people (glad I wasn't alone on that one!).

This weekend I was able to think a little more about another aspect of mothering.

We were away this weekend with the young-adults congregation that my husband ministers to. It is the only time each year we spend time with this congregation together as a family - as the children & I do not attend the 7pm congregation on a Sunday night.

It is a weekend of potential high-stress: my kids hyped up, surrounded by adults who like them but do not generally much spend time with children, different food, different beds, Dad is present but not really able to play with them, etc. And this particular weekend, a lot of rain, preventing most fun activities.

However, I was surprised to find myself quite calm throughout the weekend and feeling relatively under control. Part of it is also because I went into the weekend knowing what to expect, knowing that I was managing most things with the kids, because it was work for Husband - so I knew the routine. But I do think it was more than that.

Which got me thinking - was I ensuring I was coping well because I was being watched? There were about 70 pairs of eyes watching us parent all weekend, so I was extremely unlikely to let myself become 'Angry Mummy' or any other bad connotation of her.

Now, if being 'seen' makes me a better mother, I will go out more! However, it's much more than that isn't it? Our Heavenly Father sees us always, and knows all of our thoughts and desires - good or evil. If I can be a better parent because a lot of 20-25 year olds are watching me, surely I should be a better parent daily, knowing that my Father in heaven watches too.

I am humbly reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 6, talking about prayer, fasting and acts of righteousness:

6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven... [Jesus goes on to say, do them secretly]... 4b Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Let us all be parents who honour God in our public and our private parenting.

Angry mummy

I have been reading a book of late (on preparing for marriage of all things*) and came across a chapter on anger, entitled Commit Yourself to Control Anger.

I never would have (prior to children) considered myself an angry person. But I have certainly found, that since having children, I can get angry. Not hitting angry, but certainly yelling angry. I do not want to be an angry mum and I do not want to be a yelling mum - but there are times when I feel sorely tested in this area.

What I read in this chapter sounded at me like a trumpet call.

Who makes you angry? You do! Situations and other people cannot make you angry... You create your own anger. (p198)

What happens outside of us - external events - do not make us angry. Our thoughts do, whether they are automatic thoughts or ones we choose to think. Realising that you are responsible for your anger is to your advantage. You have an opportunity to take control of your thoughts and your emotions. In most situations, your anger will work against you and not for you. It can cripple you and make you quite ineffective. Anger can limit your capacity to discover creative solutions. If no real solution is available, at least you can free yourself from being dominated by the situation and give up resentment. Can joy, peace and contentment reside side-by-side with your anger? (p204-5)

I was struck dumb. The excuses that fill my mind "they are so disobedient", "but that behaviour is so annoying", "they should know better" - are only that - excuses to allow me to fuel my anger.

I must admit, I have felt truly chastened and repentant, as well as challenged. Challenged to stop myself becoming angry, and challenged to ensure that it is joy, peace and contentment that my children see in me daily. A challenge certainly, but a worthy one! I continue to pray that God may give me the grace to do so.

* The book is Now That You're Engaged, by H Norman Wright (I highly recommend it!)

Motherhood

Well, it's taken some time to finally getting around to reading the articles that I had put aside from the October Briefing, mainly on Motherhood.

I found the article from Lesley Ramsay helpful at a number of points. She stated that 'in God's eyes, what you do as a parent matters more than any other job you will ever have'. This is a good reminder that what I do as a mother counts and is important. I found her explanation of how 'not to love your children' extremely helpful. She said that we are not to idolise our children, make them the centre of our lives or make our goals for them the same as that of the worlds: 'They may say, "'You don't love us!" but we should reply, "I do love you. I just love Jesus more. And so should you." ' (I have the eBriefing so if you want a copy, ask me, copyright lets me send it on with some restrictions.)

Nicole had highlighted in her post that there were additional articles available online. I downloaded the ones from JC Ryle on the Duties of Parents (2 parts). It was obviously written some time ago, as the language was more formal than we usually read. However, it was great. Insightful, forceful and biblical. It's long, so you need to be ready to sit down with it for a while. He starts looking at Prov 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it), and then goes on to outline 17 (!) things we should be training our children in. I especially liked the ones on training them to a knowledge of the bible and training them to a habit of prayer. You may not agree with everything he says, especially perhaps in the later points, but I found it a timely reminder nonetheless to continue to think about how we train our children in the Lord.

Both of these articles emphasised the importance of the home as the place of training, and the role of mothers (mainly) in this role. As a stay-at-home mum, I was reminded that just because I do not work outside the home, I cannot assume my kids get more time from me - if I choose to fill it with washing, cooking, cleaning, blogging (!), rather than with them.

There was an interesting article in The Australian paper today "The momification of the US first lady", which reports that Michelle Obama has decided "to the chagrin of Democratic feminists" to be a mom-in-chief and give up her job. The mood from feminists seems to be that because she can be in a high-paying job and she has degrees from Princeton and Harvard she should be using them. Columnist Ruth Marcus is reported as complaining "when the needs of our families collide with the demands of our jobs, it is usually the woman's career that yields".

To which I want to reply 'of course' and 'so what?'. How is the 'feminist agenda' come to this where they think (for example) that a family with two young children who are about to be the most public in the world do not need their mother looking after them, and it is entirely appropriate that she should be the one doing so (seeing her husband was elected, following a path they decided on, to a rather busy job).

I do find the constant belittling of women who choose to stay home tiring. And it is a choice - I feel privileged to have the choice - not all women do. My husband has to work, but I have the choice. And (most days!) I am very happy with my choice.

****

By the way, the article on Children of Divorce (Generation Ex) by Karen Beilharz was excellent. I thought her suggestions on how to reach out as friends and churches to children of divorce very helpful and her general comments were very insightful to someone who has had no personal experience in this.

Book Review: Praying the Scriptures for your Children

Praying the Scriptures for your Children, Jodie Bernt

This is a really helpful book, which helps mothers to think through how to pray for their children. She divides the book into 5 sections: faith, character, safety, relationship and future. Each of these is then divided into subsections. Each chapter contains numerous bible verses from which to pray for your children. The best thing about this book is that it focuses your prayer life. Instead of vague prayers, such as:

Dear God, please look after A, help him to be safe and to become a Christian

I now pray things like:

- I pray that A will confess with his mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in his heart the God raised him from the dead and be saved (Rom 10:9)

- Give A wisdom and understanding. Do not let him forget your words or swerve from them. Cause him to love wisdom and to value it above all worldly desires and accomplishments. (Prov 4:5-7)

- Let A's light shine shine before men, so that they may see his good deeds and praise you, our Father in heaven (Matt 5:16)

- Show A that all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Tim 3:16-17)

- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of A’s mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph 4:29)

- Help A to be self-controlled. Let him show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about him. (Titus 2:6-8)


Things I really enjoyed about this book:

• it was easy to read, lots of anecdotes, well structured, etc
  
• made me think about better ways to pray
• I love the idea of praying straight from the scriptures, but have never been very good at it, so it set me up with some good principles. You know (as long as you are using the bible appropriately) that you are praying in line with God’s word.
• it challenged me to think about how I pray and how much of my praying can be mechanical and over and done with very quickly.
• it's ‘ready to go’ - each chapter contains the bible verses at the end to use to pray for your children, great for busy mums
• a friend also pointed out that it would a helpful book also for new Christians or people that are learning to pray, and could help them get into good habits

Other comments:

• I do have some hesitation with her use of Scripture at points - when you look up some of her references in context, they don't always seem to fit her use of them. Most of her general principles are biblically accurate though, I just wouldn't choose that verse necessarily. And like any book, if you do the work yourself as well, you can make those judgments as you read it.
• I felt the scope was too limited. It was great to point out the ways to pray for your children, but the areas for prayer and the prayers themselves could have a much wider application, to my husband, to me, to our friends and others in ministry, for Christians and non-Christians. Therefore, after reading this book, I used her prayers and her layout, and set up a way to do it myself, with a broader scope. In doing so, my goal was to take some of the standard jargon out of my prayer and replace it with scripture, and in so doing, help me to learn more of the bible at the same time. At this point I would say it has been successful.
• Similarly to above, I thought it was a shame it is so focussed on mothers, because it can restrict the possible audience (what about fathers?).
  
• Some concerns with her prayer points were raised by my book group at the time we read this:

1. She has a quite lot of prayers to pray for your children’s future, including their marriages. However, she does not seem to consider the option of praying for them if they remain single. For example, for contentedness for the parents and the child, or even an acknowledgement that it might be God's plan that they remain single. I don’t want to be closed to that option as a praying parent - rather I pray that my children will make godly and wise choices either in marriage or singleness.
2. one of our group was offended (understandably, and personally) that Bernt prayed that her children would marry people from unbroken homes. She felt it was holding the sins of the parents against the child.
3. another of our group thought that her emphasis on Satan was at times unsettling and too strong.

However, having said all that (and note that this is a longer review because I specifically read this as party of a book group who then discussed the books!), I think this is a great book and if it encourages mothers to pray biblically and intelligently for their children, that is a wonderful thing.