Surviving Year 12

Surviving Year 12, Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson

How do you feel about having a Year 12 student? (whether you currently do, have done or will do)

Most of us will have observed (or experienced) the range of ways parents can respond to Year 12. Some devote all their time and energy to their students, some greatly over-exaggerate the importance of it all, some glide through the year hardly noticing, and others manage to be in the state this book recommends: “chilled but vigilant”.

Mr Year 12’s high school had Michael Carr-Gregg, one of Australia’s leading adolescent psychologists and author of books like The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0, come and give a presentation about “Surviving and Thriving Year 12” for parents in February. It coincided with the release of his new book on the same topic.

We have our first Yr 12 student this year and two more coming in the future, and as his presentation was excellent, it seemed worthwhile investing in this little book.

Carr-Gregg and Robinson have done a great job of breaking down the issues and challenges of Year 12 into manageable chunks and explaining them in helpful, realistic, practical ways for parents of their senior high schoolers. I don’t recall my parents stressing that much about my Year 12 experience, although they were supportive and present. It’s a relatively recent phenomenon that parents get so involved in Year 12 - or in many cases, so over-involved. It is somewhat ironic that a book about “Surviving Year 12” is written for parents, rather than the students. Wisely, the authors suggest that parents need to back off a fair bit, and concentrate on providing a healthy home environment that does not add to their stresses.

They state their purpose at the beginning:

“This book is about providing your teen with the optimal circumstances, based on evidence-informed skills, knowledge and strategies, for them to do as well as they can in the final year of school without compromising their wellbeing. It presents Year 12 and ATAR as important but not life defining. It will, above all, help you to be the best support and resource you can be for your child, taking into account their unique personality, motivations and coping skills – to be their cheer squad.” 

They divide the book into three parts, and the first sets the scene.

“Your role is to be the supportive bystander in Year 12, eagerly cheering on from the sidelines but not being a major player. We could light up Australia with the amount of energy that parents spend badgering, nagging, complaining, nitpicking and carping about the efforts of their teen in Year 12, but not only is this behaviour time-consuming and ineffective, it can also create a poisonous atmosphere in the home, which consolidates the pressure.” 

They raise an important question that should be considered early - should your child actually do Year 12? Should they perhaps extend the time they take over it, or take a year off before they attempt it? Rarely will parents consider these questions, so they are worth raising.

The second part dives in to more detail. As I said before, they advocate a ‘chilled yet vigilant’ method of parenting, and considers seven actions that parents can do to be most helpful:

1. Be a charismatic adult
2. Engage in positive reinforcement
3. Help them keep the year in perspective
4. Encourage them to challenge negative self-talk
5. Help them focus on the good bits
6. Look after yourself
7. Turn down the dial on conflict

They consider diet & nutrition, technology use, sleep, rest, exercise, mental health and wellbeing. There is a helpful simple explanation of stress and anxiety and how both work, with stress being the response to an external cue, and anxiety the internal response to the stress.

“The amount that students can tolerate before they become distressed will vary depending on their temperament and life situation.”

There are practical and simple life management tips to help them manage stress. The section finishes with some study tips, even considering the place of chewing gum in study and listening to music:

“There appears to be irrational gene that predisposes many parents to believe that young people should not listen to music (particularly music they like) while studying. However, evidence indicates that there is no definitive answer as to whether listening to music while studying is good or bad.”

The final section considers the “last steps to freedom”. First, they look at the final exams:

“The role of the parent during exams is to be a benign presence, a giant psychological safety net, ready and able to be there to offer support when needed, especially around maintaining wellbeing.”

It then turns to schoolies, getting results, considering uni and other pathways, and those final stages of moving towards adulthood.

This is a very helpful and applicable book for Australian parents of Year 12 students. It will hopefully reframe the issues for some, pointing out the Year 12 is just another step in the path to adulthood and that no-one is defined by their ATAR. It provides solid advice and encouragement to help your high-schooler have the most helpful and productive year possible as they finish school. Worth reading for Year 12 parents, and those approaching it.

Year 7 Daughters and Dads

We kick off the year with a post written by Husband about a graduation event he and some other dads ran for their Yr 7 daughters at the end of last year. 

Continuing the tradition which we began with our son, the end of 2018 was Miss 13's turn to mark this significant rite of passage - finishing primary school, and starting high school.

She has been looking forward to this ever since her big brother's occasion, and so it was with great excitement and anticipation that we gathered with nine other Christian Dads and Daughters.

The afternoon activity was outdoor laser-tag - the Daughters insisted that they be teamed against their Dads! Suffice it to say that whatever they might have lacked in overall strategy, their small size and superior speed definitely helped ...

Afterwards we had a lovely BBQ dinner and dessert back at our place. Some of the girls even braved the pool (having been promised a swim, mere 19 degree temperatures weren't going to stop them!)

The highlight of the night were some brief formalities - every Dad had a few minutes to share some of the ways they were thankful to God for their daughter, as well as offer a piece of advice (with a bible verse) to all the girls as they begin high school. Every daughter also received a "memento" of some description to accompany that piece of advice, and a "treasured memories box" to store them in.

All in all it was a wonderful night, and Miss 13 is already asking about what we will do next year!

Being Involved at School

[This article went up on TGCA last week, and is an updated version of a previous post] 

As we dive into yet another school year, have you considered what your involvement as a parent might be?

We’re now into our 11th consecutive year at the same local primary school. It’s been a great opportunity to develop long-term relationships with students, parents, teachers and staff. Our school is multi-lingual and multi-cultural with immigrant families, as well as the usual mix of born and bred Australians. It’s also a bastion of secular, inclusive thought. Jesus calls us to be salt and light to those around us (Matt 5:13-15), and for our ministry family, the local school is the only place where we regularly spend time with unbelievers.

There are many ways a parent could be involved, but as with all things, no-one can or should do everything. Our involvement has varied greatly over the years. We reassess annually and also consider it a ‘joint task’: sometimes my husband has been more involved with a sports team or on the council, which means I do less; other times it’s reversed.

Here’s what we’ve prioritised:

1. Get to know the teachers

We ask about their families, weekend, holidays, so that not every conversation is about our child. It acknowledges their humanity: they aren’t just there to teach our child, they have a life with ups and downs just like we do. To our children, it models respect as well as understanding for those in authority.

I’ve realised this isn’t what all parents do. Each year, teachers have thanked us for being so supportive of them and the class. We just thought we were taking an interest, but apparently, it stands out.

As they progress through the years, this is trickier as I go into the classroom less. But I’ve observed most teachers really appreciate it when you occasionally come into the classroom in the senior years.

2. Get involved in the school community

We’ve been involved in various ways: committees, Governing Council, sports coaching, listening to reading, testing times tables, going on excursions, and hosting events for class parents. When senior management change, I make an effort to meet them. I try to know the office staff by name, and again being a friendly, cheerful face with no agenda appears to be a refreshing change.

In the early years, I committed to more than I could manage and ended up feeling guilty about pulling out of something. These days I do less and feel guilty for not getting more involved! It’s always a bit of a balancing act. But God gives grace, and we are reminded it’s a privilege to serve the school community, even when it can be time-consuming and challenging.

3. Get to know the children

When I went into the classroom, the main benefit was meeting the children, as well as understanding the class dynamics. In later years, an excursion can help fill in the knowledge gap. Even one day spent with a class gives you an insight into relationships and dynamics.

I pray that my children will be good friends (Prov 17:17, 18:24) and have helpful friendships (Prov 27:17). Observing these interactions can help identify friendships to encourage, both for the sake of my child and for other children.

4. Get to know the parents and families

This is easier in the first few years. When each child began we hosted get-to-know-you events for parents. Having them in our home started many friendships that continue today. We are called to hospitality (Heb 13:2, 1 Pet 4:9), and the school community is included in that.

In later years, this happened through sporting teams. For a while, we knew all the soccer families, and now it’s the netball families.

I think we should prioritise looking out for people that aren’t already connected. It’s a funny thing, primary school. The parents seem to be in cliques too: cool parents, sporty parents, committee parents, and others. As Christian parents, we want to be welcoming, inclusive and hospitable. This should include migrant families, who in my observation are often not included by Australian parents. Let’s be the friendly ones—some of these parents are very lonely. Secondly, let’s be helpful—there’s a certain culture to any school, which takes everyone time to figure out. Throw in some ethnic differences and I imagine some are left wondering what’s going on (eg. lunch orders, swimming lessons, how excursions work). One of my friends has just started a part-time job in her children’s school to do exactly these things—help the international parents assimilate.

5. Pray for the school

We certainly pray for the school, students, teachers and families privately and as a family.

For a time, a group of Christians mums from school met once a term to pray and it was very encouraging. While we no longer meet, we’ve seen God answer those prayers in two amazing ways:

1. Our school now has a Pastoral Care Worker funded 2 days-a-week. She is a cheerful presence amongst the staff and students and is greatly valued by management. We started praying for this when our son started, that prayer was answered when he was in his final year!
2. A group of Christian families have run an out-of-hours gingerbread house event for three years. We can speak about being Christian and advertise the churches we attend. It is fast becoming a highlight annual event for school families.

We’ve loved being involved in our school community. It certainly takes time and effort, but it’s worth it—for our kids, for us, and hopefully, for the people we meet and support along the way.

How might you consider being involved in your school community?

(We have two children in upper primary. Our eldest is now in the wilds of Year 10 at high school. We've chosen to keep our main involvement at primary school, rather than split our efforts between two schools!)

Sons & Dads - primary school graduation

We kick off the year with a post written by Husband about a great event he and some other dads ran for their sons at the end of last year:

With Mr 12 reaching the end of primary school (Year 7 in SA), we wanted to celebrate his graduation and passing through this significant rite of passage. Although the school has its usual ceremonies, we were especially keen to mark this important occasion from a Christian perspective. I was particularly challenged by a fantastic book Raising A Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis to make the most of the special opportunities to help boys become men of faith.

Mr 12 has been very fortunate in that he has 6 close Christian friends with whom he has grown up, crossing paths at Christian camps and socially.  And so in August 2015 I asked the Dads if they would be interested in joining us to make a wonderful celebration for our sons.

After we met together to dream and scheme, we came up with the following program for the first Friday after school finished - designed to be both fun and profound:

1. In late November each boy received a formal invitation by mail.

2. The afternoon began with some fun activities - our initial plan was to play some "Dads vs Sons" sport at the local school (basketball, cricket) - but when a notorious Adelaide heatwave set in we decided that 40 degree heat would not be wise for the health of middle-aged men! So we went bowling and had a great time (for the record the Dads DID win!)

3. We then came back to our place for a swim and a BBQ, and general relaxing (Wendy and Miss 10 & 8 graciously absented themselves for this "men only" event!). After dinner, we had the more "formal" part of the evening, in 3 stages:

i. Each father had brought a baby photo of himself and of his son, and we tried to guess which family was pictured! (in our case, we were the only Asian family, so that made it a bit easier ...)

ii. Each father then spoke for a few minutes on the topic of "why I'm thankful to God for my son", by means of publicly praising and encouraging our own sons in front of their peers.

iii. Each father then spoke for a few minutes to the boys, giving them a piece of advice about the next stage of life connected with a bible passage, and a memento/token to help them remember the advice. They were also given a box to keep all their goodies ... 

4. Finally there was more swimming, relaxing and of course, dessert!

Overall it was a wonderful occasion - it was so encouraging to hear all the dads speak of their thankfulness to God, and to offer similar encouragements (in different words) to our boys about how to stand firm for Jesus. By the time the night had finished our sons were already planning an event for next year ...

Thanks especially to our wives for supporting us!

PS: Mr 12 says: "I thought it was a really great time. It was a great opportunity to learn a lot, and to be encouraged in our faith in Jesus as we go onto high school. I especially liked the goodies we got to keep, which were all really well chosen. Thanks to the dads for organising this! And my Dad has had no influence over what I've just said!"

Being involved at school

We are now in our final year of all children at the same school. It’s been a great seven years of concentrating on relationships in one place and  we now know many students, parents, teachers and staff.

There are many ways to be involved in a school, but as with all things, no-one can or should do everything.  Each year we reassess how we can be involved. I talked about it a couple of years ago, but haven’t for a while. 

It’s worth mentioning that we consider it a ‘joint involvement’ and make the decision as a couple. Sometimes Husband will be more involved with a school team or on council, which means I have less time to help; sometimes it’s the other way around. As every decision you make impacts the whole family, we make sure we consider these things together.

As we start another year, these are some of the things we try to do.

1. Get to know their teachers

This has been a priority each year. Our children’s teachers have all been excellent and I have always felt we were 'on the same page' when dealing with any issues that arose. We try to get to know them personally, ask about their families, weekends, etc, so that not every conversation we had was about our child.

I have come to realise that this is not what parents generally do. Each year, teachers have thanked us for being so supportive of them and the class. We just thought we were taking an interest, but apparently it stands out.

2. Figure out how to be involved in the school community

Over the years we have been involved in various ways: sports committees, Governing Council, sports team coaching, listening to reading, testing students at times tables, going on excursions and hosting get-to-know-you events for class parents. I have found that most years I commit to more than I can manage and end up feeling guilty about pulling out of something.

In the past I have listened to reading, but I no longer sign up to do this straight away.  Quite frankly, after years of listening to reading, I am a bit over it, last year I offered to test times-tables for one of the older classes, that was much more fun!

Our school has had a change of all senior leadership in the last 12 months and I did spend time last year trying to meet them, be supportive and make connections so that we have develop those relationships. I will need to do the same this year.

I always try to get to know the staff in the front office by name, and again being a friendly cheerful face with no agenda appears to be a refreshing change!

3. Get to know the children at school

In the years that I did go into the classroom, for reading or times-tables, the main benefit was meeting all the children and that they all know whose mum I was. I was able to understand some of the class dynamics a little more, and I could encourage certain friendships.

As the kids get older and I have done less of this, I don’t get to know the kids in class as well anymore. Although really, once you meet them in Reception (Kindergarten) or Year 1, you still know who they are for the next 7 years!

Sometimes, an excursion has helped fill in this knowledge gap a little.

4. Get to know the parents and families of the children in the class

This is easier in the first few years of school, but gets much harder later. We have almost finished meeting new parents in class now, with the kids in Years 7, 4 and 2. Not many parents are in classrooms regularly anymore, including us.

The main way we now get to know parents is by being involved with sporting teams. We know all the kids who play soccer and their families, and are now getting to know a lot of netball families. That has been great and we are very thankful for that opportunity.

5. Pray for the school

Obviously we pray for the school, students, teachers and families personally.

We have had a prayer group on and off over the last 7 years. The most exciting thing to come from that was our gingerbread event last year. We are hoping to do the same this year and keep building connections across the school.

We have loved being involved in a school community. It takes time and effort, but it is certainty worth it – both for our kids, for us and hopefully, for the people we meet and support along the way.

(If you want to read more about school involvement and our potential roles in a school community, I found the book Going Public very helpful a few years ago)

Thoughts on all kids at school

A friend recently asked if I thought about what I would do when our youngest child started school, rather than just let it happen and go on as normal.

It was a great question and one that got me thinking about it again, two years after the event. Sometimes other people find these thoughts helpful as they consider their own situation, so I’ll share some of it here also. This is long post though, sorry about that!

We did give thought to what would happen that year. Husband always said that when they all started school, I should have a ‘down year’ and think about the next stage. That is, not say yes to everything and do more just because either I though I could or should. Someone had suggested it to him years ago when we just had one little baby. He felt quite strongly about it and I came to realize:

1. He was right and

2. It was his way of recognising and acknowledging the work I had put it at home with little ones for the previous 10 years.

The comments on that post showed that there were a few who wished they had done the same or were interested in thinking about it more.

I realized looking back I never talked about it much on this blog again.

My goal for 2013 was to take on no new things. That was the goal (ha!). In reality I did commit to a few extra things without realising I had - an extra repeated talk series here, a seminar there, an extra catch up with someone new, and so on.

However, what really forced it was that same year, I started to get very tired: tired/fuzzy in my brain and tired physically in my body. A dear friend who has chronic fatigue looked at me critically, then spoke up saying she could see in me the same early signs she had ignored in herself. It was the clear voice I needed to hear. Husband and I spoke about it in detail right away and decided to pull me out of a whole lot of stuff. I alluded to it a little here.

Upon reflection, it was an interesting time. I was expecting to have this great clear year with all the kids at school and in the end I was quite tired and worn out. Husband’s theory (not medically backed in any way, but still with some sense in it) was that my body/brain had coped well for 10 years, but once it finally realised it could relax a little it kicked back and spoke up saying it needed to rest. Sort of like how you get through the sleepless baby nights and then once you start to sleep again, you get really, really tired!

It was also a good time for me spiritually. I have always been someone who could see their value in what they can do rather than who they are in Christ. It was a good chance to realise that whether I could ‘do ministry things’ or not, I was still a child of God and that I have value in his sight because of what Christ has done, not because of what I do. My prayer life grew too and I wrote out lots of prayers from which I am still benefiting from.

In the end, we viewed 2013 as a recovery year and then 2014 as a ‘down year’. I still committed to less last year, which was a good decision. In about October last year, I felt like I woke up. I felt like I had been at a lowered brain output for about 18 months and that both my body and brain were picking up again. It was quite an exciting feeling. I was excited about doing new things, able to run again, keen to do more marriage ministry, talks, etc.

2015 looks good at this stage, I have some things planned, but not too much and I am looking forward to  one more year of everyone at the same school before Mr 11 starts high school in 2016.

So, that’s what happened. As for my thoughts one to two years later?

1. Husband was right - I had been home with little ones for almost a decade and my body and brain needed a break. My body apparently decided to take it into it’s own hands to force it, perhaps knowing I wouldn’t have done it properly by choice!

2. The idea of a ’down year’ was a good one. Upon reflection I think 2 years is a good option too. The next stage for me is 7 years with all kids at school, and then another 5 till all are out of school. In the midst of it, it seems like forever, but I know how quickly the last 10 years went and we still, God-willing, have at least 30 years in us for ministry and parenting and so want to do it well, long-term and sustainably. Therefore 1-2 years at a slower pace every now and then seems wise when considering the long haul.

3. There is no extra time once all kids are at school. In some ways there is less. With a pre-schooler, the cleaning, shopping etc happen with them, not only because it has to, but because it is a good way to fill in the days. With school-aged children, all the shopping and cleaning happens mainly now in school hours, so that we are free to either chill out at home after school, or do extracurricular activities, which are now creeping to our lives more as the kids get older.

I bought the lie for a while that I would have more time and then couldn’t figure out where it had gone! Children at school does not make the day 26 hours long!!

I need to try keep 3-7:30pm clear for the kids every school night. So I can be taxi, cook, confidante, homework & piano practice enforcer, bible time encourager and read-aloud-er! It has taken a mindshift for me to not creep over to my email or other things in the hope of getting them done in that time frame. So all the things I do and plan for that I count as ministry outside the home have to happen in school hours. Once you account for all the other things that happen in school hours (catch ups, etc) there really just isn’t that much time. I am amazed at women who also manage to work, although I realise they are usually trying to do less other things than I am.

4. Part of this has been a realisation that since we have decided my main role is wife, mother and household manager - a decision I am happy with - it does still take up most of my time and I need to learn not to be dissatisfied with it. I have been amazed at how much more time goes in to maintaining this house which is bigger than our last one, but also - and I think this is the real difference - a house that we own. I had no idea how much home ownership changes your attitude about a house and what could be done in it. That’s one of my personal issues, but it definitely gives weight to my advice to young couples not to buy a house for a long time!

5. One final thing that I always have to take into account is my own ‘introversion’. If I overload with people in any way, I don’t have the energy for my own family. If I view my day as having 3 time-slots - morning, early-afternoon and evening; I can function fine if one has extra people in it, 2 is a stretch and 3 is way too much (I don’t have words left for Husband at the end of the day!) So, just because I have the time-slots free, it doesn’t mean I have the emotional capacity free. I make sure every day (if I can) before school pick up I sit down from 2-2:45 to have a cup of tea and clear my head. If we have a very busy hospitality weekend, I schedule a quiet day for the Monday to recover. If we have lots of nights busy, I keep the day slots free-er. That way I have time for my family when they need me. I have made it an extra priority in recent years to have energy for Husband at night, so that we continue to have fun together!

So, that’s my thoughts about transitioning into having everyone at school. They may or may not be relevant to you, but they were helpful for me to think about again.

A new phase - school!

Our youngest child started school this week.

It comes almost exactly 10 years after I finished my 3rd year Bible College exams 20 weeks pregnant with our first child. Therefore I have been home as a mum with young kids for a decade. That’s a long time. It’s also the end of an era.

No more babies or pre-schoolers.

No more naps or nappies.

No more kindy (pre-school) run.

No more little people to take grocery shopping.

No-one to chat to during the day.

No helper as I clean.

Just one pick-up and drop-off each day.

I have found it an absolute privilege and (mostly) a joy to be a stay-at-home mum over the last 10 years. I wouldn’t have done it any other way and I know I will look back over these years with thanks for the freedom and ability to be at home.

However, all good things come to an end, and as far as I am concerned, often move on to better things!  My overwhelming thought on Monday (when she started school) was:

It’s the first day of the rest of my life!

Going Public

Going Public, David & Kelli Pritchard

This book is by David and Kelli Pritchard, a couple in the US who have 8 children, all of whom have been or are being educated through the public school system. As you read it, you get the feeling you know what they are talking about. They have lived it.

While it is billed as a resource to help and encourage you to use the public school system for your children’s education, it is much more than that.

It is a book about parenting your children through the school years. Most of it is relevant no matter what education system you decide on - public, private, Christian and (to a lesser extent) homeschool.

I am so glad I read it now.  At the end of the year all our children will be at school.  We are starting to think about high schools for our son.  It helped me to recalibrate our framework again and think about the goals we have for our children’s education, which are so much more than just good marks and a potential entry to tertiary study.   Not only that, as I am thinking through what my weeks will look like with all 3 at school, I found it helpful to again be reminded that I want to be involved in my children’s education, that I want to be an supportive, caring and involved parent for the staff and students, and that our kids’ school is the largest mission field I have.

Their overarching message is that God is in control. As Christian parents, we know in our heads that this is true, but sometimes we don’t act that way do we? We worry about our schools ranking on the MySchool website, we are concerned about our children’s performance in the NAPLAN tests and we worry about the influence of non-Christian teachers and friends. Sometime we forget that God is sovereign even over our children’s education.

Their second main point is that as parents we are in control. Wherever our children are educated, we are still their main educators. We are the ones who spend the most time with them and who have the most influence over their lives.  No matter what schooling option we choose, we should never assume that ‘school will teach them that’. No, we stay involved and interested and aware of what they are learning, how they are progressing and how to help in any areas needed. The Pritchards claim that our job as parents includes: to teach them to love God with all their hearts, to teach them obedience and to teach self-control. These three traits will assist any child in growing up with an active faith, and also with a respect for authority and an ability to make wise decisions.

A couple of other points that were helpful were:

• The charge to us as parents to always be polite, encouraging and helpful with all school staff, most of whom spend their lives dealing with complaining parents. In this we can really stand out. I have already found this at school, being deliberate about getting to know the classroom teacher makes a huge difference for the whole year. Being on first name basis with the office staff means all interactions are based around a relationship, rather than only about an issue.

• Making sure we listen when our kids tell us about what happened at school, and find the teachable moments when they are there. Don’t overreact to information about teachers and other students, but listen and help your kids figure out how to think about the things that happen at school from a Christian perspective.

• The Pritchards put a strong emphasis on dads being involved in education: going on excursions, making sure they get to parent teacher night, getting to know friends. This is a task that usually falls to mothers, but they encourage dads to get more involved.

• They encourage families to consider having one parent as a stay-at-home parent. There is a lot to do to support children at school well and they believe, where possible, a parent at home makes this easiest and best. Each family makes their own decisions on this point, but I have to say from personal experience, I loved knowing that every day my mum would be home when we got home from school.

One of the things that I found most helpful were things to ask in a parent-teacher interview. Yes, find out how they are going academically, which especially with younger ones you probably already know anyway. But then change the direction of the interview and ask if your child is respectful to their teacher and if he listens to them. Is it the same with authority figures in the school, including other teachers and substitute teachers? Then ask about their relationship with other students - is he kind? helpful? does he speak sarcastically to other kids? do you ever see a streak of meanness?, etc. Think about the qualities and characteristics you are raising your child to have and ask whether they are demonstrating those at school.

Finally, they talk about evangelism in the school context. Some people view their children as evangelists on the school mission field. What the Pritchards say is “The main job for a Christian child or teenager in public school is simply to be a good student, a good citizen and a servant-leader – to model what Christianity actually is.” (p192) As parents we also have an opportunity to live a clear Christian witness as parents, to be hospitable and have an open home, to treat all with respect and to continue to teach our children how to do these things, and of course, be prepared to give an answer when anyone asks us for the reason for the hope that we have with gentleness and respect. (1 Peter 3:15-16)

I found this book incredibly helpful. It made me think afresh about parenting during the school years and how to think about my time and my involvement in my children’s education. I’ll leave the Pritchards with the last words:

What matters… is the fact that you serve an incredibly mighty God, and He will prevail. Trust Him on this journey. Walk from school year to school year in confidence that He is on your side. (p209)

Not quite yet

I had a great interaction with a school mum today, which made me realise we are like-minded.

Today is Miss 4's birthday, and this mum (of a 5-yr old boy and 2-yr old twin boys) asked if she was turning 5? I said, no, 4.

She said in a resigned voice: "bugger".
(for non-Australian readers - this would be 'bummer' or 'shame', said with emphasis!)

I laughed out loud. It was such a classic response from a parent who is happy to see her kids get older and looks forward to them being school age. We had a good laugh about it. I realise I have a kindred spirit in her now!

School holidays

My observation of mothers with children is that they fall into two categories: love the school holidays or hate the school holidays. Which are you?

For many years I was a hater of school holidays. Why?

• None of our usual activities were on, there was just day after day to fill in ourselves.
• When I didn't have children at school, I just wanted our normal routine to continue - we didn't need a break from it, in fact we needed the routine more.
• The summer holidays in particular were so long - 6 to 7 weeks (I know that's not much compared to some other countries where they get 3 months, but it still drags).
• The heat of Adelaide meant even in the summer some days were just too hot to go out, even to the pool.

To put it simply - I could not see the point of school holidays.

Now - ahh, how things have changed - finally I see the point! We have loved the last holidays. Admittedly they were broken up well - 2 weeks lead up to Christmas, 3 weeks family holidays, then 2 more weeks before school went back. This year, and this summer in particular, for the first time, I have loved the school holidays:

• We really needed the break, we stayed home for two weeks when school finished, just playing at home, Mr 7 read lots of books and did Lego and the girls played games for hours, spending much more time together than they can in term time.
• We started sleeping in (well, the grownups mainly!). The kids are old enough now to get up on their own in the mornings and entertain themselves, so often Husband & I could laze in bed till 7:30 or 8am - what a treat! Interestingly, Miss 5 also is showing a desire to stay in bed longer in the mornings, which I am encouraging (for the moment anyway!)
• We could all do things together - no one missed out by being at school or being too young - we all went to the beach, we all went to the pool, we all went out to yum cha.
• We didn't have to be anywhere at any time. I liked the routine when everyone was younger, now I have enjoyed not having one.
• We didn't have to think about library books, school lunches, uniforms being ironed, etc.

Admittedly, by the end, all of us were ready for school to start again. But I have been very pleased about how much we enjoyed the holidays, and how much I was able to relax and enjoy them.

Now I think I love the school holidays!

Only one child at home

Change #3

To be honest, this is the change that I am most apprehensive about. Now that Mr 7 and Miss 5, I have only Miss 2 at home.

I find the pre-schooling years very hard work, enjoyable they are - but also tough. My suspicion has often been that the school years will be ones we really enjoy and so far with Mr 7 that has proven to be the case. It’s probably not ‘school’ so much, but the added development, maturity and thought that a child over 5 has, compared with the under 5s.

Miss 2 has had playmate siblings at home since she was born, and she will especially miss Miss 5 now that she has gone to school. That means I am now the playmate. I wish I could say that it fills me with joy, but it doesn’t really – I have always struggled with pre-schooler play: the pretending, the dress ups, playdough, painting, etc.

So, here are my thoughts about the next few years:

• My main prayer points for myself will be for patience and contentment, knowing that these will the areas I will be tested in.

• We have decided not to ‘overschedule’ our time. It is very tempting to enrol in dance, kindergym and swimming classes so that we don’t have to fill in so much free time together. However, that is not beneficial for Miss 2 (I think) and definitely not necessary. We might do one activity like this together, but not yet. Realistically, with bible study, mothers group and other things, the week can actually fill up quite fast.

• I want to use some of our time to catch up with friends. Coincidentally, I have a lot of friends that will also soon have only 1 or 2 children at home (who are close to the same age as Miss 2), and other friends whose eldest or only child is the same age as her. I hope to use that time to strengthen those friendships for her, and also me with their mums.

• I discovered some time ago that you do not have to be a mum who loves everything. Having realised that playing with playdough drives me nuts, I no longer make it. Having realised painting creates a lot of stress, I don’t get it out. In our house you “play with playdough at crèche and you paint at kindy”. It’s OK not to do everything.

• We will continue to have ‘rest time’. 1 hour of ABC2 or DVD time after lunch, rest time for Miss 2 and rest time for me. We will also continue to have ‘daycare day’, otherwise known as ‘Mummy’s mental health day’.

• One wise friend told me to turn these few years into a more indulgent time. Take them out for lunch. Go have a coffee. Go on a bus trip. Do fun things together that you didn't do (due to money or ease) with more kids at home.

• I will keep reminding myself how much easier things are with one child. One child who doesn’t need a day sleep. One child who can walk everywhere. One child who doesn’t need a pram. One child who can climb in and out of her own carseat. One child who can feed herself. One child who can talk and tell me she is hungry, thirsty or tired.

So, this is what have I decided:

We will have fun together. We will go to the zoo. We will go to the park. We will play with friends. We will play together. We will do craft (when I can handle it!). We will talk about things just the two of us. We will do some little bible studies aimed at her level, not the level of her older siblings. We will read books together. And we will have fun Mummy & Miss time, because we will never get the time back again.

Another child at school

Change #1

My daughter, Miss 5, started school yesterday. Now I find myself with more children at school than children at home. She has been very excited, so I am not suspecting it will be a dramatic adjustment for her, but it’s going to take some getting used to for me.

We said goodbye to her ‘minis’ carers on the last Tuesday of last term – this is the program for pre-schoolers at the ladies bible study group I attend. It was a poignant moment for me as I explained to her that she has been coming with me to that group for her entire life, first in a pram and sitting with me as a little baby, moving into crèche at 6 months, then onto minis at age 3. She has always loved it and always been happy to go. She is our first child born in Adelaide, so it feels somehow more significant that these things she has been doing with me for her whole 5 years are now finished.

It will also take a more concerted effort this term to settle her into school. I never needed to be very involved with any of Mr 7’s reading or spelling as he grasped it all very quickly. I suspect Miss 5 will not be quite the same, so there will be more of an adjustment as I need to listen to readers, help with spelling practice, etc.

I am also recalling just how tired Mr 7 was in the first few terms of him starting school, so I am preparing myself for that – and the need to have very quiet afternoons and weekends until we get into the swing of it all again.

Hard to imagine I am now the mum of 2 school kids!

Back to school

This is an edited re-post from this time last year. I have included comments on how we did in 2009!

My son starts school again today, in Year 2, which has prompted me to think about how we will be involved this year. As with all things we need to make wise decisions about the amount of time we can give to the school. If we stay in this area, we will be a part of this school for 12 years, so I feel it is the main thing in the community that we can be involved in for the long term.

Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Try to get to know his teacher well.

This was a wonderful blessing in the last few years - his teachers have been lovely and I felt we were 'on the same page' when dealing with Mr 6 and any issues that arose. I knew she cared about him and how he was going, and (I presume) she knew that I was on her side and supportive of what she was doing in the classroom. I also tried to get to know her as a person, about her family, etc, so that not every conversation we had was about my child. This could obviously be harder with another teacher with a different outlook or personality, but that is my goal.

Another good teacher in 2009, so it worked well. All bodes well for this year too!

2. Figure out how to be involved in the school community

This is a tricky one, considering we still have 2 littler ones at home. Reading in class is not easy, and I would have to give up precious time on my free Thursdays to do this without the girls with me. I will have to think about this one.

A friend of mine (with 3 children at school this year and 3 at home) had a great idea on this one. She approached the school and said that she wanted to be involved, but could not be at the school while she did so - she ended up covering new books for the library at home.

We are also considering whether it is possible for Husband to go on school council or something like that.

Husband did go on school council, which was great. We are still considering whether he will do it again this year. He did struggle to get to all the meetings, as his calendar is as fixed and rigid as the school's is!

3. Get to know the children in his class

This was the main benefit of going into the class for reading for a term last year -I met almost all the children and they all knew I was Mr 6's mum. I knew the children who M would speak of and I was able to understand some of the class dynamics a little more. I could encourage certain friendships and also see which children might be a good idea for us to get to know better.

Thankfully after 2 years at school, I know most of the kids that Mr 6 has already been in a class with, so this gets easier each year.


4. Get to know the parents and families of the children in his class

It took me until halfway through last year to realise that I probably only saw the parents of about half the children in the class - some came from and went to Out of Hours care, some were dropped off by parents never entering the school, and some probably walked on their own.

I am also started to realise just how many mothers also work, at least part-time, so even organising something during the day is difficult.

In 2008, we hosted a coffee and dessert evening for the parents of the children in his class, and while not many came, it was a good time of chatting and getting to know a few people better. We will certainly hope to do that again this year.

A group of parents organised a class picnic in 2009, which was poorly attended. I am planning to invite parents over for morning tea this Friday - a early attempt to form relationships!
Our school has a lot of immigrant families, who do not seem to be openly welcomed by the Australian parents. I think this is an area where we could try to be different and seek to get to know those families. It was only towards the end of the year that I realised how lonely some of these women are, they are here for their husband's study or work, they do not have work visas and they are looking after children in a foreign country all on their own.

There were no immigrant families attached to his class last year, I will wait and see for this year.


5. Continue the prayer group that we started last year

I am hoping that the 4 of us (school mothers) who started a prayer group last year will continue meeting to pray specifically for the principal, council, teachers, students and parents.

We did keep meeting, but I struggled to organise it and people struggled to get there. Thankfully at the end of last year, another mum was willing to organise it, so I hope we will continue again this year.

**

Those are my thoughts so far, I will have to come back and review again in 2011 to see how the year worked out in the end! By then Miss 4 will also be at school, so life will look different again.


Photo from stockxchng.

Nativity

Mr 6's class made these fantastic nativity pictures in the last week of school. They looked great.

I was so impressed with them, and I think his teacher knew, because she offered them to me! She thought church could use them for something (which I have offered to the relevant people), but chances are they will end up hanging in our home for the Christmas season. I am even covering them in contact, so they last for a few years.

6 things I have learnt this year

Nicole tagged me in her post, encouraging people to think about what they learned in 2008. Here are mine: 

1. I loved school (not for me, but for my son!). I loved that he loved it and thrived in its environment. I loved seeing what he was learning. I also loved the fact that he was at school (does that make me an awful mother?!). I also learnt that if he was not enjoying school so much, the year could have been so much harder. 

2. I began to realise what people mean when they say the school years are more emotional (on the mother!) than physical (compared to the baby and toddler years). I found my son's issues making friends and learning to play in the playground (not major problems mind you) quite stressful, I wanted to help him but couldn't and wanted to 'deal with' the mean children. 

3. I learnt that setting a pattern for regular bible reading and prayer is the only way for me, even if the pattern changes regularly. Part of this was having a supportive husband who enabled me to have time in the evenings or whenever it was needed, and us being proactive in doing so. 

 

4. I learnt that regular exercise is so beneficial for me that I wonder how I keep getting out of the habit of doing it. It makes everything better as far as I am concerned - it gets me out of the house, gives me brain space and quiet time, I enjoy the area in which we live (swimming or riding along the river), gives me energy, and makes me sleep much better. 

5. I learnt (again) how much I love reading, and want to find more time to do so. (There will be lots of book reviews coming up here in the next few weeks). 

6. I learnt (perhaps more was reminded) how grateful I am to have a happy marriage and a wonderful supportive husband. We see marriages around us struggle in various ways, and we are reminded that we must continue to work on our marriage as a priority. I am constantly grateful to God for Husband.

School holidays

School holidays are upon us and I think I will remove myself from the blogosphere for a while.

I only have one child at school, so in some ways, it shouldn't make that much of a difference - but I find that it really does. None of our usual activities to fill the week are on, and the family dynamics all change having all three at home all the time.

I find the school holidays a challenge personally. I need to mentally plan to get through the holidays well. I want to give my children the time and energy they deserve and need, and not feel torn towards other activities (like the computer!).

I am hoping to read more over the holidays too, so will return with more book reviews in time.

So, off I go...

Hope you all have a wonderful Christ-filled Christmas and a fun start to the New Year.