Married for God - Conclusion

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Conclusion: The Greatest Invitation

In Ash’s conclusion, you can hear his heart for the lost and for them to respond to the gospel of grace. Using the same imagery of marriage that the bible uses, he exhorts us to desire to be part of the greatest marriage of all time:

…the story of a marriage which includes within itself the whole history and future of the human race. It is the story of God, the Lover, the Bridegroom, the Husband, and his people the Beloved, his Bride, and in the end his Wife… All of the people of God in the new heaven and new earth are the bride of Jesus Christ. That is to say, he loves them passionately, and they love him with an answering love. (p166-7)

What a great note to finish on – looking forward to the end of time, eyes fixed on our heavenly marriage, not our earthly one.


As we come to a close, it’s worth pondering who this book is for. Ash clearly wants it to be used by single people considering (or not) marriage, engaged couples preparing for marriage and married couples as they work on their marriage. Think about how you might use it in your ministry:

• together as you consider your own marriage
• as a resource for already married couples to raise their eyes as to the purpose of their relationship
• for engaged couples, to give them a solid grounding in God’s view of marriage and the importance of the relationship
• for people wanting to think ‘theologically’ about marriage
• for young people, to ensure they have a God-centred view of marriage as they approach their relationships and life choices.

I still see the need for ‘how-to’ marriage books – how to communicate, how to respect one another, the nature of commitment, etc. However, this books fills a great void in the marriage books I have read to date – God’s purpose for our marriage and how we serve him though it.

Married for God - Chapter 8

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 8: What is the heart of marriage?

Up till now, we have been asking the ‘why?’ question – what is the point of sex and marriage. However, now it is time to look at the heart of marriage: faithfulness.

Our God loves us with a faithful, steadfast love:

Faithful steadfast love is the heart of marriage, for faithful steadfast love is the heart of the universe. The faithful steadfast passionate Lover God calls men and women to show faithful steadfast passionate love in their marriages. (p145)

This is a great chapter – it gets to the core of marriage and what is really important.

• Marriage is a ‘one-flesh’ union joined by God. It creates a new family unit. We must not tear apart what God has joined together. The husband or wife must not put themselves before the marriage – their career, comfort or personal fulfilment. Others also must not come between a marriage – and this includes over-involved parents and employers who want more than their ‘pound of flesh’.

• Marriage is a covenant to which God is a witness. God is present when promises are made and he holds us accountable to keep those promises.

• Marriage faithfulness excludes all rivals for life. He then follows this with reasons why adultery is very serious. It’s sobering reading: adultery is turning away from a promise, it is secretive and dishonest, it destroys the adulterer, it damages society and it hurts children. I think Lesley Ramsay added a very astute extra point when she reviewed this book– it devastates the marriage partner. Anyone who has seen the consequences of adultery first hand cannot help but agree with all of these with great sadness in their heart.

• Faithfulness in marriage is modelled on the faithfulness of God. God’s faithfulness to his people has remained strong throughout their continued rebellion and faithlessness. He is forgiving, and in showing his forgiveness for us, he has modelled true costly forgiveness that we also will need in our marriages.

• Faithfulness in marriage comes from the faithfulness of God – God is faithful and pours his grace and faithfulness into me, if I come to him and trust him. It is only through his grace that we can live this way.

What you and I need most of all is to know the steadfast faithful love of the God who has never broken a promise yet. He kept every promise he has ever made when he sent his son Jesus Christ to die in our place. He is utterly faithful and trustworthy. If we will turn afresh to him and come to him in trusting obedience, we can rest our security in his mercy. And on that basis, building on that security, we will be well placed to show faithfulness in marriage, to offer forgiveness when hurt and to welcome back with tenderness even when things are at their most painful. (p162)

Do you realise that it is faithfulness that is at the core of marriage?

Do you talk about the commitment to faithfulness in marriage preparation with couples?

Do you warn couples of the dreadful consequences (yet still sometimes tempting lure) of adultery? And then give them practical ways to flee such temptation?

Married for God - Chapter 7

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 7: Is it better to stay single?

Up until now, Ash’s motto has been ‘sex in the service of God’. Here he flips the coin and asks, what about ‘no-sex in the service of God’? Where does singleness fit in. Why this is obviously a book on marriage, I was pleased to see that he included this chapter, and it’s a very helpful one.

Should those of us who are single consider remaining single in order to serve God?

There is really only one thing that absolutely needs to be said: the whole duty and calling of every human being who has ever lived is to love God with heart, soul, mind and strength. ..The only question is how we are going to love and serve God. And this is where marriage does make quite a difference. (p126)

He goes on to make 4 points:

1. Sex makes no difference to our relationship with God. It’s important to emphasise this in a society which thinks sex matters a lot.
2. We find our identity and experience love within the family of God. Marriage is not God’s answer to loneliness, but rather a relationship with God and other Christians.
3. Some will endure not being married for the kingdom of God. The fact remains that singleness for many people comes at a real cost.
4. Getting married makes life a lot more complicated. Marriage can make us anxious – it adds many more of life’s worries into our lives.

The rest of the chapter discusses some of the issues raised in 1 Corinthians 7. There is a very helpful section on the ‘gift of singleness, in which he concludes that the gift of marriage or singleness is defined by that state itself:

I know which ‘gift’ I have by a very simple test: if I am married I have the gift of marriage; if I am not married, I have the gift of being unmarried. My circumstances are God’s gracious gift to me; and I am to learn to accept them from his hand as such. (p132)

This gift may change over time. All of us start life with the gift of singleness, many but not all will have the gift of marriage and some point, and many will again end their lives with the gift of singleness.

Ash concludes by asking “Can I serve God better unmarried?’ He says no: neither better nor worse, but certainly differently. Those who marry will have to work out what it means to serve God while also putting energy into a faithful marriage and the raising (God willing) of children. Those who do not marry may grieve the loss of such relationships, but also be able to serve God more wholeheartedly, or in different ways.

So long as your proposed husband or wife shares your faith, if you are a Christian, and so long as he or she is willing to marry you, you are free to marry. You will not be closer to God if you do, and you will be no closer to God if you don’t. You will not necessarily serve God better if you do, and will not serve God better if you don’t, but you will most certainly serve God differently. (p140)

Married for God - Chapter 6

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 6: What’s the point of the marriage institution?

In this chapter Ash explains his third point (listed on page 30) – Marriage as a safeguard against public chaos.

When I first read this point at the beginning of the book, I had no idea what he was getting at. Now I understand, and I really appreciated the chapter. It clarified thinking on marriage I knew I believed, but had never managed to put into words myself.

Firstly, he addresses sex, and the fact that sex is to be surrounded by the marriage boundary. This means that sex is for within marriage, and only within marriage.

to love another person enough for sex means to love them enough to have publicly committed yourself to them for life in marriage. Short of that commitment, however passionately you may say you love them, actually you don’t love them enough for sex. (p101)

What a great statement! One we should be sharing with dating couples, and those who are sorely tempted together before they are committed in marriage. He goes on to discuss the dangers of sex outside marriage.

Ash defines marriage as: The voluntary public union of one man and one woman from different families.

In explaining this, he made some helpful points:

• marriage is a voluntary union – it must be consensual, which includes consenting to what is part of a marriage – sexual union, the potential blessing of children, and a commitment to the marriage until one partner dies.
• marriage is a public union – a public declaration of commitment and intent
• marriage begins with public consent not consummation
• marriage is defined by public consent not private emotion

He then talks about why marriage is better than cohabitation:

• marriage is unambiguous
• marriage is a union of families; cohabitation is free-floating
• marriage provides protection for the vulnerable at the start
• marriage offers some home of justice to those wronged when it ends
• marriage strengthen private intentions with public promises

Obviously, I come from a viewpoint that marriage is better by far, but this actually gave me logical and clear reasons for my opinion – I finished the chapter thinking “why would anyone want to cohabit, rather than marry?”

Have you ever thought of the benefits outlined here of marriage, both to the marriage partners and to society at large?
How would you express these reasons for marriage to a youth group? How about to a de-facto couple in your church?

Married for God - Chapter 5

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 5: God’s pattern for the marriage relationship

How ought husband and wife relate to each other?

the Bible’s answer is simple, politically incorrect, and deeply beautiful: the wife ought to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ, and the husband ought to love his wife as Christ loves the church. (p83)

He states clearly that while many today are uncomfortable with this teaching:

We need not be defensive. This is a beautiful pattern. It undermines equally the oppression of male chauvinism and the false dawn of aggressive secular feminism…This is how God has made the world, with men and women made equally in his image, and entrusted equally with the joyful honour of governing his good world. Equal, but different. (p84)

He also emphasised that this is not culturally specific (and therefore avoidable). Rather, “this is the pattern for every age and all cultures. This is God’s shape for marriage and we need to understand it” (p86)

His explanations of the key passages (Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3: 18-19 & 1 Peter 3:1-7) are very helpful and I recommend you read them yourself, rather than have me attempt to summarise them.

However, his summaries of what this pattern may look like bear repeating:

At the heart of this pattern is the husband who consciously reminds himself again and again that he is called to be like Christ going to the cross in his marriage: to lead by serving and loving and caring whatever the cost to himself…

At the heart of this pattern also is the wife who consciously reminds herself that she is to cultivate the gentle and quiet spirit of dignified honourable submission, serving alongside her husband with equal dignity, using her gifts to the full, but nevertheless encouraging him to take his place of Christlike headship in their marriage. (p95)

How does headship and submission work out in your own marriage?
In which ways do you struggle with it?
How do you discuss headship and submission with engaged couples?

Ash points out 4 distortions of this pattern, two from husbands behaving badly and two from wives behaving badly:

1. The tyrannical husband – this is not a Christlike leader, but rather a bully.
2. The bossy wife – she wants to lead rather than encourage her husband to do so
3. The mousy wife – who surrenders her dignity as the man’s equal partner
4. The abdicator husband – who avoids the cost of cross-shaped leadership. Ash suspects most men need to repent of this.

(You might also find it helpful to switch across to Lesley Ramsay’s post on this chapter in the Equip Book Club, she includes a very helpful table from Wayne Grudem)

Do you tend towards any of these distortions in your own marriage? How might you try to change your patterns of relating?


Ash finishes by wondering how our marriages might just point people to God:

I think that men and women may say to themselves as they watch a Christian marriage: ‘I have never seen God. Sometimes I wonder, when I look at the world, if God is good, or if there is a God. But if he can make a man and woman love one another like this; if he can make the husband show costly faithfulness through sickness as well as health; if he can give him the resources to love when frankly there is nothing in it for him; well, then he must be a good God. And if he can give this wife grace to submit so beautifully, with such an attractive spirit under terrible trials, then again he must be a good God.’ (p96)

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful witness.

Married for God - Chapter 4

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 4: What is the point of sex & intimacy?

To understand the point of sex in a marriage, Ash thinks we need to be wary of 2 extremes.

1. Don’t have too high a view of sex. Then it really is “sex in the service of us”. The relationship becomes all about you and me and our fulfilment, it is what makes us whole and complete as a person.

This is a view espoused by society at large, and certainly forced upon us by the media. However, as Christians, we are often more likely to fall to the other end of extremes:

2. Don’t have too low a view of sex.

Christians tend to focus on the epidemic of sexual activity outside marriage, but I suspect we ought to devote at least equal attention to the epidemic of sexual inactivity within marriages… It is important to remember not only that the Bible forbids sex outside marriage, but that it commends sex within marriage (p71)

He goes on to say, while the expressions on intimate love may change with ages and stages of life:

At every age, the principle remains, that in marriage each owes his or her body to the other, to give the other all the love and intimacy of which they are capable. There will be times when this is sheer delight on both sides. But there will be times when, for one of you, this will be more of a costly giving, when, for whatever reason, you have little or no desire for sex. At these times especially it is important to remember that on your wedding day you committed yourself sexually to your wife or husband for life. Make space for it as marriage goes on; nurture it and nourish it in love. (p72)

Do you tend to have too high or too low a view of sex?

Is sex a priority in your marriage? Why or why not?


Ash goes on to talk about sex from an aspect I had not considered before:

The intimacy in our marriages should overflow in blessing to others.

He uses two ways to explains this:

• God's love for his bride Israel overflows into blessing for the world
• Marriages overflows into fruitfulness. Using the imagery in the Song of Songs and the garden, Ash claims that the springtime of love described, gives way to an autumn of fruitfulness. He also says that the love of the King for his bride, overflows into blessing for the people of the kingdom.

I must say I struggled with these descriptions a little. Not that I disagree with them per se, I just wasn’t entirely convinced of the reading of the texts. I would love to know what others thought about this section.

His conclusions to this section were:

Consider how your faithful love for another, fed and nourished through the delights of bodily intimacy, can overflow outwards to bring love and faithfulness to a needy world. Think about how, in partnership with one another, helping one another, your love can provide a centre of stable security; so that this safe home will be a refuge into which others can be welcomed. (p76).

We did. Our little group of 3 sat together and tried to figure out the link, because we couldn’t. How does sex in marriage lead to blessing to others? How does satisfying sex lead to welcoming strangers and being hospitable? The only way we could figure it out was by contentment. If you are satisfied with your sex life, are you likely to be more satisfied with each other and then more willing to be open and welcoming?

Do any readers out there have any ideas? How does a solid commitment to sex in marriage lead you to have an outward focused marriage that blesses others?

In the end, as Ash concludes, we need to have a proper view of sex:

When sex is put it its proper place, nether too important nor neglected, then it will thrive as it was designed to flourish, as sex in the service of God. (p77)

Married for God - Chapter 3

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 3: What is the point of having children?

Ash sets out over the next few chapters to expand on the Christian reasons for marriage, which he outlined in Chapter 2:

1. Children rather than barrenness: sex is in order to have children, and children are a good thing.
2. Faithfulness rather than selfishness: sex is for faithful intimacy, and intimate relationship is a good thing.
3. Order rather than chaos: marriage guards sexual desires from destroying society, so that society does not descend into social chaos. (p30)

If asked for the reasons for marriage, would you come up with these?

In short, children are a blessing, not a curse. They are a gift from God and we need to be always open to having children. Ash suggests that if you do not want children, or if you view them as a curse, you should not get married.

Do you talk with engaged couples about whether they want to have children, and why?

Of course, a child may be an inconvenient blessing. A child will usually be an expensive blessing. A child may and often will be a blessing that takes us outside of our comfort zones and into the arms of grace. A child is usually a blessing that will be accompanied by sleepless nights and many tears. But he or she is a blessing and we must not forget this. (p57)

I found this statement really helpful, it wasn’t all “yes kids are wonderful, of course you should have children”. It was an acceptance of the realities of life with children, but still an insistence with they are a blessing. We often think this ourselves – yes, they are wonderful, yes, we are so glad we have them; but it’s really hard work at times.

In addition, we don’t just have children because they fulfil our desires or because it is expected of us, we do it with the intention of raising them to serve God.

Ash goes on to discuss three issues relating to children:

1. Is it right to deliberately not have children?

He says, categorically, no. Children are a blessing from God, and therefore a lifestyle choice not to have them (or open to having them) is not an option for Christian couples.

What do you think about this?

2. What if we cannot have children?

For those of us who cannot have children, we should grieve that loss, and the real pain that it brings:

The pain of childlessness is a unique pain… There is no date on which a couple become childless, no funeral anniversary on which to focus grief, no photograph or memory of the son or daughter who never was. (p58)

Fruitful service for a couple does not depend on having children. There are many ways loving service can be worked out in a marriage.

Do you talk about this possibility with engaged couples? Do you speak about “if you have children”, rather than “when you have children”? If this is your grief, how is your marriage serving God in other ways?

3. What about contraception?

This was a very brief segment, which I felt needed more. However, what he said was helpful:

The important thing with contraception is that it should be part of a lifetime together which is fundamentally turned towards the blessing of children, rather than turned against (p61).

Have you thought about the contraceptive methods you use and how they work? If you counsel engaged couples, do you talk about contraception with them?

We have just started doing this, I have prepared some information outlining the issues regarding contraception and we give it to couples when we first meet after they become engaged. We do not make suggestions as to what methods people use, but are raising issues that they might be unaware of. If you are interested in reading a little more about contraception, have a look at posts that Nicole and I have done previously on this topic (including the comments!)

Married for God - Chapter 2

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Chapter 2 – Married for a purpose

In this chapter, Ash seeks to answer the question “why did God make humans male and female?”

Going back to Genesis 1, Ash comes up with 4 reasons:

1. We are made in the image of God. We have a unique dignity that plants and animals do not have.
2. We are entrusted with a unique privilege. We are to fill the earth.
3. We are created male and female. We are to use this to care for God’s world.
4. We are to rejoice in our creator – thankful dependence on God and cheerful obedience to his command.

He sums up these 4 with this motto: marriage is sex in the service of God. He is clear to point out that ‘sex’ is shorthand for “the marriage relationship in all its fullness: in intimacy, friendship, partnership, fun and faithfulness”. (p33)

Do you agree with his motto that marriage is “sex in the service of God”?

He thinks that this is misunderstood in 2 ways, both which are self-centred. Marriage either becomes “sex for the fulfilment of me” or “sex in the service of us”. Marriage is not to meet my needs, or to assuage my loneliness, rather marriage is for serving God.

we were not made to gaze forever into the eyes of another human being and find in him or her all we need… We need to replace this selfish model of marriage with one in which we work wide by side in God’s ‘garden’ (that is, God’s world), rather than gaze for ever into each other’s eyes. (p42-3)

How easily does your marriage revert to “sex in the service of us”?
How do you try to prevent it?

It is too easy for Christians to think of marriage as a discipleship-free zone. So that outside of marriage we talk about sacrifices, taking up our cross and so on. But inside marriage we just talk about how to communicate better, how to be more intimate, how to have better sex, how to be happy. (p40)

Do you fall into this trap in your own marriage? How can you encourage one another to godliness rather than self-fulfilment?

How might you encourage couples to model their marriage on serving God, rather than each other?

Ash finishes the chapter stating that, because of the fall, we must always remember that God does not just want more people on earth, but he wants people transformed by the gospel who have been saved by his grace. The service of God must include as a priority proclaiming Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour.


How does your marriage help to proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour?

Married for God - Chapter 1

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives


Chapter 1 – A word about baggage and grace

I found it fascinating that he started the book here. Upon reflection, it made perfect sense – we have to understand & accept the grace of God, and his forgiveness, in dealing with our sexual pasts before we can think clearly about God’s plan for marriage. However, it’s a hard chapter to start with, and I suspect, personally challenging for many readers (especially engaged couples). To turn the page and see in bold writing, The bible speaks to those whose sexual pasts are spoiled (p21) – was certainly getting right to the point!

Unless you are a committed Christian, I suspect starting at this point would get a lot of readers offside. Now he is clear he is writing this book for Christians. But even, so, I wondered if it might have been helpful to at least discuss why sexual sin is a problem and why it affects so much of one’s self. As we talked in our group about why sexual sin seems to be so hard to move on from, we came up with this:

• Sexual intimacy is so personal and intimate
• In Christian circles, there is a stigma attached to sexual sin, more so than most other areas of sin
• We tend to be more open about struggles in other areas, but not about sexual struggles
• If it’s willing intimacy, there has been a deliberate decision to sin at each time
• If it’s unwilling intimacy, there are also issues of abuse of trust and betrayal
• Amongst many (Christians and almost all non-Christians) – there is a denial of it even being sinful, or a deliberate attempt to justify behaviour (‘it felt good’, ‘we are in love’, etc)

He makes it clear that all struggle in this area, from some degree or another:

Personally, we have our own histories of sexual experience or inexperience; of hopes fulfilled or deferred; of longing or aversions; of fulfilment or frustration; of fears, anxieties, delight, regrets. What we have done or not done, how we have been treated or mistreated by others; all these things shape what we believe. (p20)

The three things he talks about are:

• The bible speaks to those who sexual pasts are spoiled (eg. the church at Corinth)
• Jesus Christ offers forgiveness and restoration to those with spoiled sexual pasts (eg. John 8:11)
• God’s grace enables us to live lives of purity (1 Cor 6:9-11)

As I re-read this chapter, I wonder if the reaction one has to it, is a good indicator of one’s heart about their own sinfulness in this area. If one reads it, thankful and rejoicing that they are forgiven and that God offers grace, even in this area – they have acknowledged their sin and are aware of its danger. However, if one reads it and is outraged or offended, perhaps they do not truly believe they have sinned. This could have important implications for pre-marriage counselling, or our own ability to move beyond & deal with our own past.

One final interesting discussion we had was this: do we need to stop assuming (if indeed we do assume) sexual purity (or virginity) in young Christians? Research suggests that more teenagers are having sex at a younger age, with 14-16 year-olds regularly involved in sexual activity. As we minister to a generation of youth and young adults, who have had minimal Christian input and are living in a highly sexualised culture – do we need to be more open and honest about the bible’s teaching on sexual purity, and about the risks to physical, emotional & spiritual health that result from sex outside of marriage? Have you thought about this and what have you done?


Some things to think about:

1. Did it also surprise you that this was the topic of the first chapter?
2. How hard is it to trust in God’s grace when thinking about sexual sin? Why?
3. Do you need to be reminded of God’s grace in dealing with your or your husband’s sexual past?
4. How could you include dealing with this in the marriage-preparation that you do with engaged couples?
5. How do you address the issues of sex, sexual sin and purity to the youth and young adults that you minister to?

On Wednesday: Chapter 2 – Married for a purpose

Married for God

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Married for God, Christopher Ash

Ash introduces Married for God explaining that he has not written a standard marriage book – which he terms as those which help you to get what you want out of marriage. Instead he says:

This book won’t help you with that sort of thing, because this book is about God more that it is about you and me. In some ways it would be easier to write a book of common-sense wisdom and practical advice about sex and marriage, glossing it with a Christian veneer. Instead, I want to start, continue and finish with God firmly at the centre. He is our Maker and he will be our Judge. We need to listen to him. (p14)

Ash states his goal is not to deal with the How? or What? questions of marriage – but rather Why?

If we get our aims clear, then we shall see why marriage has to be what it is, and we will be well placed to see how to build strong marriage. (p15)

So, his opening claim is that:

We ought to want what God wants in marriage. Or, to put it another way, God’s ‘Why?’ matters more than my ‘Why?’ (p15-6, emphasis in original)

When we ask what God wants, we are asking what is best for us. What is best for us is not what we want, but what God wants. (p17)

Ash asks that as we start reading, we repent of our previous attitude – what we want out of marriage, to seeking His will and goals for marriage.

So, what do you think?
Have your thought about what God wants from your marriage?
What His goal for it is?
Are you willing to investigate and find out?

Join us as we read about it together!

Next Monday: Chapter 1 – a word about baggage and grace.

Married for God

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

Our next book series will be on Married for God, by Christopher Ash.

This book looks at marriage and how we should view it – from God’s perspective. I have read it this year with the same group of ministry wives who read Going the Distance with me last year, and we have enjoyed thinking about marriage from a slightly different perspective than usual.

As we review it here on in tandem, we will obviously be thinking about marriage in general, but also:

• any particular application to ministry marriage, and
• helpful things to consider when we speak to others about marriage (something many of us do in ministry, either in pre-marriage discussions or post-marriage pastoral care)

If you would like to join in our discussion here on in tandem, grab yourself a copy.

On Wednesday we’ll kick off with the introduction and a few general comments, before we dive into chapter 1 next Monday.