for women only (part 10) - conclusions

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 9 - Words For Your Heart
What Your Man Most Wishes You Knew About Him

At the end of the surveys, men were asked one open-ended question that they could answer however they wanted:

What is the one thing that you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can't explain to her or tell her? (p179)

The top answer (almost 2x as many as the next response):

How much I love her.

Here were some of the responses that men wrote:

"How much I love here and appreciate her."

"How much I truly do care for and love her and the kids."

"How much she means to me."

"I have a wonderful relationship with my wife and we communicate well, I wouldn't change a thing."

"I love here and only her. It doesn't matter that our relationship isn't perfect - my love for her is so deep than nothing could break it."

"That I will love her no matter what."

"That she truly is the light of my life."

One man concluded:

"It is so true, that behind every great man is a great woman," he said. "There are a lot of men out there who are mediocre, simply because their wives will not support them and bring them to greatness. And there are a lot of mediocre men who are destined to become great men - who are are becoming great men - because their wives love and support them." (p183-4)

So, be encouraged wives - and encourage your husbands!


Hope you enjoyed this series - or it at least provided some thinking material!!

Comment on visual images

In case there are other men out there reading along in the for women only series, 'anonymous' has left a comment on the post on visual images. You may want to have a look and interact with what he has said.

for women only (part 9) - how you look

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 8 - The truth about the way you lookWhy What's on the Outside Matters to Him on the Inside*

Very wisely, Feldhahn starts this chapter suggesting that we (women) pray before we read it, because we may struggle with what it says. And this is the point where I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew!

She opens with this statement:

The effort you put into your appearance is extremely high on his priority list. Yet the chances that you know his true feelings are extremely low. (p156)

Some things she clearly states:

• we need to recognise and celebrate our bodies given to us by God with our individual appearance, she is not taking about fitting into a standard of beauty defined by the media;
• most men actually wished their partners weren't so oversensitive about their bodies; and
• the issue was not about the size or shape you are, but about the effort you make.

So, why does it matter to our men?

• "When you take care of yourself, I feel loved" - when we bother to make an effort, they feel cared for by us.
• "When you don't take care of yourself, I feel unvalued and unhappy" - this also related to how we might, as a result of not looking after ourselves, be unwilling to play together (romantically), see part 8 - unwilling to go for that walk, or swim together.
• "When you take care of yourself, your expectation that 'I only have eyes for you' feels fairer (and easier to accomplish)
• "I want (and need) to feel proud of you" - because you bother and care

Here, Feldhahn stops and says: do not ask your husband about this! The reason is, chances are, we are all sensitive in this area, and they either don't want to hurt our feelings or they have tried to talk about it before, and don't want the pain of that again. She says instead, take her general rule instead:

If you are not realistically happy with your overall appearance and fitness level, assume he's not either. (p171)

Do you know what though? I completely ignored her advice and went straight to Husband on this one! I wanted to hear it straight from him. I found his comments really helpful. Can I suggest though, if this is a particularly sensitive topic for you, and it is for many women, don't ask your husband what he wants, ask yourself if you want to and need to change your level of fitness or effort. My guess is you know the answer honestly yourself, without having to ask him.

She concludes with some good news:

• He wants to help you - almost all men interviewed would help in almost any way to help you out - with time, money, etc.
• There's a lot of resources to help you these days - with lots of good eating and health advice out there
• God will help you in your desire to have a 'healthy temple' - I was less convinced by this argument biblically!

I realise, this may have been an uncomfortable chapter for you. Before you do anything, make sure you have a realistic and healthy view of your own body and appearance. And, I suggest you think about it from the perspective of health, rather than appearance.

Some things to think about:

For men:

• Do you agree with this chapter?
• Do you feel able to discuss this with your wife?
• If this is an issue for you, concentrate on the things you love about your wife and tell her what they are.

For women:

• How do you feel reading this chapter? Are you angry, frustrated, defeated? Remember that you are made by God in his image, and that he (and your husband) love you very much.
• Have you let the busyness of life prevent you being able to take time to stay healthy? Do you want to change anything so that you can be healthier?

Next time: Part 10 - conclusions (& words of great encouragement!)


* these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

for women only (part 8) - romance

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 7 - Chocolate, Flowers, Bait FishingWhy the Reluctant Clod You Know Really Does Want Romance*

I found this chapter a little less illuminating - or perhaps not so surprising. She found that men want romance however, they have some hesitations about making a move in that direction:

1. "I won't do a very good job" - the risks of humiliation
2. Haunted by romantic failure - or being unable to top the last success
3. It's difficult to change gears from job and responsibility to romance

Then she explored how there is or can be a difference in definition of romance between men and women, because

1. Playing together is romantic for many men - so that game of golf or bushwalk he suggests may be his idea of romance.
2. Romance without sex may not feel complete - it's viewed as all part of the experience.

So, our response?
1. Encourage - all efforts at romance, and go along with suggestions to play together
2. Entice him - make him want to pursue you romantically
3. Drop hints, let you know what you would like and find romantic
4. Keep him number one - this includes #1 over the kids, give him time too.

Personally, one thing I did find enlightening in this chapter was the idea that for some men, playing together is romantic. I realised that when Husband would ask if I wanted to go for a bushwalk, or come with him on the golf course, these are things he thought were romantic. I am much keener now to say 'yes' to these suggestions!

Some things to think about:

For men:

• What types of things do you find romantic - candlelit dinner or outdoor activities? Or something else? Have you told you wife?
• Are you afraid to organise romantic events, for fear of failure? Chances are, your wife would love it if you tried.

For women:

• Can you identify the things your husband finds romantic?
• Are you enabling him to do those things?

Next time: Part 9 - how we look



* these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

for women only (part 7) - visual images

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 6 - Keeper of the Visual Rolodex
Why It's So natural for Him to Look and So Hard to Forget What He's Seen*

This is a fascinating chapter, and one which for many women will be a little bewildering, as well as a bit concerning. Feldhahn explains the moment when the truth of 'men are visual' clicked for both her and her husband:

Jeff: "Maybe we just use different language to describe it. For example, think of a movie star you find physically attractive - Tom Cruise, say. After we've seen one of his movies, how many times will that attractive image rise up in your mind the next day?"
Me: "Never."
Jeff: "I must not be explaining myself correctly, I mean how may times will a thought of what he looked like with his shirt off just sort of pop up in your head?"
Me: "Never."
Jeff: "Never - as in never?"
Me: "Zero times. It just doesn't happen."
Jeff: (After a long pause). "Wow" (p117)

What she found was:

Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually consume attractive women, and these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recollected. (p111)

I'm not going to include too much detail about the whole chapter, but will summarise a few things she said. Firstly the progression of male response:

Step 1: For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily
Step 2: Even man's involuntary physical impulse is the enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts and images
Step 3: But every man can make a choice - to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them.

Then she gives reassurances (for wives):
#1 - His temptation is often not primarily sexual - it can just be admiring beauty
#2 - Every man is different - some really struggle with this, others do not
#3 - It's not because of you
#4 - This doesn't impact his feelings for you

So what should wives do?

• Pray for him & and us - to protect our own hearts from anger or hopelessness and to protect our husbands from the sex culture around us
• Check our own hearts - are we wiling to support them in their temptations and struggles rather than freak out about them?
• Determine your involvement level - we can be supportive but sometimes men should be sharing these struggles with other men. Also, some wives cannot cope with hearing these types of details - in that case, we should show we are willing to be supportive, but would prefer they sought help from a male friend.
• Become a support - try to have openness and honesty in your marriage - the ability to share struggles in this area in a way that is supportive and helpful rather than accusatory or blaming.
  
• Champion modesty in yourself and others - the images men have of women came from somewhere and they are other women. Make sure you are not unwittingly becoming an unwanted visual image for a man other than your husband.
  

Some things to think about:

For men:

• How strongly are you affected by visual images?
• Do you need more accountability measures in your own life to help you control your temptations in this area? Can you seek out a trusted male friend for help and support?
• Are you able to talk with your wife about whether you struggle with visual images?
  

For women:

• Does this chapter surprise you or upset you? Why?
• Are you willing to talk with your husband about whether this issue is one he struggles with?
• How can you support your husband and help him to avoid temptation?
• Do you need to think about your own modesty and encourage others (eg. your daughters) to do the same?
  

Next time: Part 8 - romance


* these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

for women only (part 6) - sex

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 5 - Sex Changes Everything
Why Sex Unlocks a Man's Emotions (Guess Who Holds the Key?)*

Some of you are thinking - now we get to the real stuff! Well, here it is:

• men want to be wanted

For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence, would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance - and just as dangerous to your marriage. (p92)

There is a lot in this chapter that is worth reading, but I'll try to be brief:

She outlines two benefits of a fulfilling sex life:

1. Fulfilling, regular sex makes him feel loved and desired
2. Fulfilling sex gives him confidence

And in contrast, the responses to an unfulfilling sex life are:

• "If she doesn't want to, I feel incredible rejection"

Although we might just be saying that we don't want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don't want him. (p100)

• Your lack of desire can send him into a lack of confidence, withdrawal and/or depression.
  

So, ladies, what are we to do? The simple answer is - desire your husband as he desires you, or start trying to. Feldhahn gives the following pointers:

• Choose to love him the way he needs

you've probably been viewing his sexual need as mostly physical - important, yes, but probably also optional... But once you realise...he is saying "This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears and my loneliness ... If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement (p102-3)

• Get involved... and have more fun too. Your husband wants you to be interested, involved, and to occasionally make the first move. A quote from another man,
  

The woman needs to play an active role in the sex life. She needs to tell her mate what she needs, wants, and feels. Passive wife = boring life. (p104)

• Get help if you need it - there can be reasons, medical and otherwise, why sex is a problem for a couple. Seek help and keep trying to seek help until you get satisfactory answers and hopefully, solutions.
  

• Make sex a priority (or at least a higher priority than you currently do)- sometimes when we stop and look at the things we do in a day, we do all the things that matter to us (or even just what we think we should be doing - cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, etc). It is possible that the thing our husband wants most, we view as just another demand on our time. I could almost guarantee that most husbands would be delighted with a sandwich or take-away pizza for dinner if they knew it meant that we had more time and energy to spend with them in the bedroom! Sometimes, it's also worth reminding ourselves that we usually enjoy it, once we make the effort (and, as I said above, if you don't - please seek professional help).
  

• Try to listen to his signals. Your husband may have been sending you signals that he would like things to change - he may have hinted, talked about it directly, or become withdrawn and no longer suggest anything at all (in a mode of self-protection). Perhaps it's time to have an open and honest discussion about how you both feel about it and a way forward for you both.

Some things to think about:

For men:

• Do you agree with what Feldhahn is saying in this chapter?
• Are you willing to raise the issue with your wife?
  

For women:

• Do you consider yourself 'a willing participant' in the bedroom?
• What signals do you think you are sending your husband when you are disinterested in sex? Have you asked him what he thinks?
  

More reading:

• 365 Nights, by Charla Muller. I reviewed it earlier this year here.
• Feminine Appeal, by Carolyn Mahaney has a helpful chapter on both The Delight of Loving my Husband (more about our attitudes) and The Pleasure of Purity (about sex within marriage). I am planning to review this book later this year. Both Nicole and Jean have written about it previously.
  

Next time: Part 7 - visual images


* these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

*** PLEASE NOTE: if you are reading this and I have had a conversation with you about this topic, please do not assume I was thinking about you when I wrote this post. I have talked about this topic with a number of people, always completely confidentially. ***

And, if you want to comment on this post, but prefer not to leave your name - that's OK too!

for women only (part 5) - the need to provide

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 4 - The Loneliest Burden
(How His Need to Provide Weighs Your Man Down, and Why He Like It That Way)*

Feldhahn's research suggested that men feel the need to provide financially for their family, irrespective of their wife's earnings, and they feel that pressure much of the time.

She concludes that the need to be a provider means certain things:

• it's at the core of his identity,

being the provider isn't just a burden, but a highly desirable goal. Men feel powerful when they provide. And they want to be depended on. The ability to take care of those they feel responsible for lies at the very centre of their sense of personal significance (p79-80)

• it's a way of expressing love,

"My job is to worry about providing so that my wife doesn't have to. That's one way I show her I love her" (p80)

• it accompanies the need to succeed (discussed in the previous chapter)

• they can feel trapped by the need to provide, and the pressures of work, especially in the light of criticism at home about not spending enough time with the family, one man said,

"My priorities ARE my family, I wish I of some way not to work so much, or to be available more, but I don't know how to make this work otherwise, I wish she was more aware of this." (p86)

• they are trying to provide for the present and the future (ie. retirement)

She asks, how do we, as wives, respond?

• reconsider existing areas of conflict - can we view conflict over work hours or pressures in a different light because of this?
  
• help relieve the pressure - either by also reducing our spending, increasing our own earning or just deciding what to do together by talking about it
• cast our cares on God,
  

By praying for our husbands and looking to the Lord rather than to our circumstances, we trust Him to carry both our husband and his burden. (p90)

• encourage and appreciate our husband in his role of provider.
  

Some other things I thought:

• I wonder if the reaction women have to this depends on whether or not they also earn an income? As I read this chapter I could understand her points and thought that yes, I can see that providing could be a burden, even if it is a wanted one. I wonder however, if you would read it the same way if you earned an income, especially if it was equal to, or more than your husband. Perhaps employed wives out there might like to comment on that one!


• She made the valuable point that there would be women who would happily trade their husband's job of long hours and lots of money for one with less money where he was home more often.
  

• I still think we need to honestly evaluate our jobs. Are we serving God in our job? Are we working appropriate hours? Are we neglecting other things because of our job? Do we find our value in our job or career? Have we chosen a lifestyle which requires us to work more than we should need to?

Some things to think about:

For men:

• Do you feel the burden and responsibility of providing for your family?
• Have you articulated this to your wife, explaining why you feel this way?
• Do you need to honestly evaluate your work and consider whether you are neglecting your family in any other way (even if you are providing for them financially)?
• Have you actually discussed your financial and lifestyle priorities, in light of God's word and come to an agreement about them?

For women:

• Have you talked to your husband about whether he the feels the burden of providing for the family?
• Do you think you add to his burden by complaining about his work or spending a lot of money?
• Have you actually discussed your financial and lifestyle priorities, in light of God's word and come to an agreement about them?
• How could you show your appreciation for his provision this week?

Next time: Part 6 - sex


* please note, these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

for women only (part 4) - insecurity

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 3 - The Performance of a lifetime
(Why your Mr Smooth looks so impressive but feels like an imposter)*

A quick summary of her thoughts:

• men feel insecure in most areas of life - work, abilities, at home - as a husband and father
• while they often appear confident, they harbour doubts about their self-worth and ability to do the things that are required of them
• the opinion and attitude of their wife makes a huge difference in either building up their confidence or assisting in tearing it down

So, she asks - what's a wife to do?

• affirm him,

If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life ... "It's all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can." (p67-68)

• don't tear him down - many men feel unappreciated at home, which can result in withdrawal at home, or seeking affirmation elsewhere

• supportive sex,

A man can be having a horrible time at work, rejection in his industry, and every other area can be going rotten - but if his wife want him physically and affirms him in bed, he can handle the rest of the world no problem. Conversely, if he gets the same imposter message at home ('You don't measure up. Don't touch me'), it will devastate him far worse than any career blow. (p72)

• giving them confidence,

"I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, shortcomings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be." (p73)

Here are some thoughts about this chapter:

1. I don't think women are any different, we also feel inadequate in many areas. I wonder if women feel inadequate in other areas perhaps - so less about work performance, and more about their ability to mother, or their appearance? Many women also feel like they are also not up to the tasks which they have taken on. For me, I still sometimes feel like I am pretending to be a mother - because I feel like I still really have no idea what I am doing.
2. As Husband read this book, he felt there was a fine line in this chapter between being supportive of men and just encouraging them to be egotistical.
3. If we to be taking affirmation of our husbands seriously, we probably want to be careful about what we affirm them in - our primary affirmation would be when they are godly, kind and generous, rather than in getting a promotion, etc. We want to affirm the things that matter. (not that affirmation in these other things is bad, just not primary)
4. Perhaps all of us (men and women) need to be reminded that it is not what we do that matters, but who we are. We are God's children, saved by him alone for his glory. Our identity and feelings of worth come from our relationship with God and who we are in his sight, not what what we can or cannot do.

Some things to think about:

For men:

• Do you personally agree with this chapter - do you struggle with insecurity and uncertainty over your job or abilities?
• Is affirmation important to you?
• Try to talk to your wife about these feelings and how she can encourage you.
• Encourage your wife in the things she is doing.
• Try to remember that your worth comes from being a child of God, not in what you do.

For women:

• Are you an affirming wife? (Are you willing to ask your husband what he thinks?!)
• How could you be more affirming of him?
• Encourage your husband in the things he is doing.
• Try to remember that your worth comes from being a child of God, not in what you do.
  
  

Next time: Part 5 - the need to provide


* please note, these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!

for women only (part 3) - Respect as well as love

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 2 - Your love is not enough(why your respect means more to him that even your affection)

Feldhahn's research revealed that almost 75% of men would prefer to feel 'alone and unloved' than 'inadequate and disrespected'. Men desire respect in the same way than women desire love. This is very similar theory to the one by Dr Emerson Eggerichs in Love & Respect, a book we both enjoyed and I have reviewed previously here.

Feldhahn suggests that a way to know whether or not your husband* is feeling respected is by checking for anger, she quotes Dr Eggerichs,

In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected. (p24)

Men felt even more disrespected in times of conflict, 81% felt disrespected during conflict with their wives* whereas only 19% would suggest they felt unloved.

Just like continuing to love our husbands unconditionally is a choice so is our choosing to respect them unconditionally.

So, then - how can we show our respect for our husbands?

1. Respect his judgment - many husbands feel respected by their colleagues, but not respected by their wives in their own homes.

2. Respect his abilities - trust he can get the job done. This was interesting and will be close to home for many - eg. map reading, getting places. If we wives are constantly telling our husbands where to go, how to do something etc, they think we don't trust them to figure it out for themselves.

3. Respect in communication - it seems men can hear disrespect even when none was intended. If we suggest again that something might need fixing, some husbands can interpret it that we think we cannot count on them to remember things or get them done.

4. Respect in public - humiliating or even teasing in public can cause great damage to our husbands feeling respected. I think this can be a major issue among women, the 'who has the worst or most useless husband' session, with or without them present. As Christians, we should not be doing this to anyone, least of all the person on earth whom we love the most and have promised to be committed to. We should never speak ill of our husbands to others (with the obvious exception of when counsel is needed in areas of struggle or sin).

5. Respect in our assumptions - sometimes when we examine our hearts, we must realise we assume the worst eg.
- 'he needs to be reminded' - perhaps no, he just has different priorities or he has so much else to do he can't add another thing
- 'he's choosing not to help' - perhaps no, he just doesn't see the need in the same way you do
- 'it's his fault' - perhaps no, it could be ours - are we showing disrespect which results in him showing less love?

In conclusion, Feldhahn says:

We as women hold incredible power - and responsibility - in our hands. We have the ability to either build up or tear down our men. We can either strengthen them or hobble them in ways that go far beyond our relationship because respect at home affects every area of a man's life. (p48-9)

And quoting of the men whom she interviewed:

"You know that saying 'Behind every good man is a great women?' Well, that is so true. If a man's wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world - or at least his little corner of it. He will do better at work, at home, everywhere, By contrast, very few men can do well at work or at home if their wives make them feel inadequate." (p50)

Some things to think about:
For men:

• Do you personally agree with this chapter - do you prefer to feel respected rather than loved? And do you actually want your wife to say she respects you? (it's worth discussing, for as Husband & I discussed it, he would prefer to hear that I love him, however, he obviously still wants to know that I respect him).

For women:

• In which areas do you struggle to show respect to your husband?
• Are you willing to ask him whether he feels that your respect him?
• How can your change your speech or attitude to show more respect?
• How could you show respect to your husband in the times when you do not respect him?

* for the sake of ease, I am going to use 'husband' and 'wife' in all references in this series. I realise not all readers may be married to the significant man in their life, but I don't like saying 'your man' as I feel like I should be singing a country and western song when I do, 'partner' is gender inspecific and 'significant other' is just plain awful!


On Friday (if you're lucky!): Part 4 - insecurity

for women only (part 2) - intro stuff

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

I'll get to the meat of the book on Monday, but for now, I'll just cover some of her introductory stuff - so you know some background.

Feldhahn was researching a male character for a fiction book she was writing and began talking to Christian men to see if the way she had portrayed the character was realistic. She was so surprised by what she found out, that she kept talking to men about how they feel about women and themselves. This turned into a survey (backed by professional statisticians) given to hundreds of men, followed by more surveys and interviews.

I will get to her summarised findings next time, but she helpfully sets up some of her 'ground rules' in the introductory chapter, these include:

• this is not a male-bashing exercise;
• it is not an equal treatment of male/female differences, nor how your man can or should relate to you;
• recognise there are exceptions to every rule;
• the information given may be upsetting to some women because it affects our view of the men in our lives and our view of ourselves;
  

Finally, and most important, I hope that this book is not just about learning fascinating new secrets. The more we understand the men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved. In other words, this revelation is supposed to change and improve us. (p19-20)

On Monday: Chapter 2 (respect, not just love)

for women only (part 1)

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

While I hesitate to leap into another book series so soon after finishing Respectable Sins, I really wanted to think about this book in more detail - more detail that a simple one-off post would do - so I am going to tackle this one in pieces over the next few weeks. It won't take too long, it only has 9 chapters, unlike the 21 of the last series!

I found this book fascinating. It is set up as an explanation of what men are really like and tries to explain it to women:

Ever been totally confused by something your man has said or done? Want to understand his secret desires and fears, his daily battles that you know nothing about?...

full of eye-opening revelations you need to not only understand the man in your life, but to support and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Grounded in biblical hope, you will discover how to love your man for who he really is - not who you think he is. (backcover)

I should be clear - this is written from the perspective of marriage, what our husbands like, desire, etc. If that is not your situation however, this book would still be helpful in understanding men generally. There is also a For young women only, written more for younger women, teenagers and it assumes singleness. I have not read this one, but the brief flick I have had through it at the bookstore, suggests it is also worth reading.

In some ways, this book is a very personal read. It talks about the relationships of marriage and how husbands and wives relate (for good or bad). However I thought it would be good to think about it in this forum because:

• it is helpful for all women (married or single) to think about the way men think and act, and to have some framework to put it in
• I would love to have feedback from male readers as to what they think of each point
• similarly, I would love to hear feedback from other women as they read these chapters and are perhaps challenged by them

As soon as I read this book, I got Husband to read it, so that I could ask him if each issue was personally relevant to him. Because, in the end, I don't care if 'all men' think a certain way if mine does not - I want to understand my husband better first and foremost! You may feel the same as you read the posts.

Anyway, join me over the next few weeks and let me know what you think of it all!