for women only (part 7) - visual images

for women only:
what you need to know about the inner lives of men
Shaunti Feldhahn

Chapter 6 - Keeper of the Visual Rolodex
Why It's So natural for Him to Look and So Hard to Forget What He's Seen*

This is a fascinating chapter, and one which for many women will be a little bewildering, as well as a bit concerning. Feldhahn explains the moment when the truth of 'men are visual' clicked for both her and her husband:

Jeff: "Maybe we just use different language to describe it. For example, think of a movie star you find physically attractive - Tom Cruise, say. After we've seen one of his movies, how many times will that attractive image rise up in your mind the next day?"
Me: "Never."
Jeff: "I must not be explaining myself correctly, I mean how may times will a thought of what he looked like with his shirt off just sort of pop up in your head?"
Me: "Never."
Jeff: "Never - as in never?"
Me: "Zero times. It just doesn't happen."
Jeff: (After a long pause). "Wow" (p117)

What she found was:

Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually consume attractive women, and these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recollected. (p111)

I'm not going to include too much detail about the whole chapter, but will summarise a few things she said. Firstly the progression of male response:

Step 1: For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily
Step 2: Even man's involuntary physical impulse is the enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts and images
Step 3: But every man can make a choice - to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them.

Then she gives reassurances (for wives):
#1 - His temptation is often not primarily sexual - it can just be admiring beauty
#2 - Every man is different - some really struggle with this, others do not
#3 - It's not because of you
#4 - This doesn't impact his feelings for you

So what should wives do?

• Pray for him & and us - to protect our own hearts from anger or hopelessness and to protect our husbands from the sex culture around us
• Check our own hearts - are we wiling to support them in their temptations and struggles rather than freak out about them?
• Determine your involvement level - we can be supportive but sometimes men should be sharing these struggles with other men. Also, some wives cannot cope with hearing these types of details - in that case, we should show we are willing to be supportive, but would prefer they sought help from a male friend.
• Become a support - try to have openness and honesty in your marriage - the ability to share struggles in this area in a way that is supportive and helpful rather than accusatory or blaming.
  
• Champion modesty in yourself and others - the images men have of women came from somewhere and they are other women. Make sure you are not unwittingly becoming an unwanted visual image for a man other than your husband.
  

Some things to think about:

For men:

• How strongly are you affected by visual images?
• Do you need more accountability measures in your own life to help you control your temptations in this area? Can you seek out a trusted male friend for help and support?
• Are you able to talk with your wife about whether you struggle with visual images?
  

For women:

• Does this chapter surprise you or upset you? Why?
• Are you willing to talk with your husband about whether this issue is one he struggles with?
• How can you support your husband and help him to avoid temptation?
• Do you need to think about your own modesty and encourage others (eg. your daughters) to do the same?
  

Next time: Part 8 - romance


* these are her titles and subtitles - not mine!