The Marriage You Want

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Baker Books, 2025) 

I have read most of the Gregoires’ books over the years and my reviews are very similar each time. There are positive elements to them and they have real benefits. Yet, some less appealing aspects undermine their value.

On the positive side: there is insightful discussion about the risks of stereotypes, biblical misuse, and unhelpful patterns in marriage. There is encouragement to make your marriage great, with helpful strategies that many couples will benefit from. The concepts of teamwork, mutuality, and sharing the load, yet taking responsibility for yourself are expounded in practical and realistic ways.

On the negative side: the Gregoires continue to have a combative stance in the Christian marriage space, setting themselves up as the experts who tear down others. While the subtitle suggests this book is built on scripture, in reality, verses are included as needed to support their views, with less attempt to interact with scripture that does not. I would have liked to see a genuine theology of marriage presented and use that as anchor, rather than responding to the messaging of others. Yet again, a huge amount of research data is included, which will cause most people’s eyes to glaze over. It could have been simplified in ways that could have reached the average reader much better.

They have structured the book around BARE marriage.

Balance - using your unique giftings and strengths to run towards Jesus together. They use a triangle model of two people under God (which is not new, we use it with couples as well) and it’s a helpful concept. Chapters address unity and teamwork, and explore the risk of gender stereotypes, problems with the view that the man is the tie-breaker in decisions, and the challenge of entitlement in a relationship (it’s not about your needs, rather the needs of the relationship).

Affection - finding joy and passion in being together. The friendship chapter encourages doing life together, responding to bids for connection, and making time for each other, solid and useful principles. The passion chapter is strong on intimacy being mutual and pleasurable for both, and addresses consent, sexual pain, desire discrepancy, spontaneous vs responsive desire, and encourages making orgasm for each a priority. The issues with pornography are openly discussed, and their argument is helpful - porn is a user system, so it wires our brains to think not about wanting to know the other, but wanting to use the other.

Responsibility - functioning as a team as you bear each other’s burdens, each carrying your own load. I really liked this section. It addressed the reality of the mental load of life and the impact on relationships when one person carries most of it. There was lots of practical wisdom here about how this could look, but a great measurement tool was to consider whether each partner has a similar amount of rest and downtime (rather than perhaps comparing hours worked and in what capacity). While that chapter was about sharing the load as a team, the next was about taking responsibility for yourself - learn how to do everything that needs to be done. Take care of your own needs - health management, appointments, etc. Essentially, if you would have to do that task if you were single, learn how to do it now.

Emotional Connection - being truly seen and feeling like you are home. Chapters cover speaking up, communicating and managing conflict better, sharing emotions and being responsible for your own regulation.

There is much in here of value. Lots of it is common sense. Other parts of it are solidly backed by evidence additional to their own research.

For those who are interested in such things: while the books don’t make this clear nor use the language, a quick look over their website/blogs/podcasts shows a strongly anti-complementarian stance. The stance does not concern me so much as the tone around it - rude, alarmist, and insulting. Conversations about errors and the consequences of some teachings need to be had and acknowledged, but I would prefer to see it done more graciously and in a way that allowed room for difference and interaction. (I’ve made similar comments about this tone in previous reviews.) 

So, while I liked the book and what it has to offer, my broader hesitations are strong enough that I'm more reserved in my recommendation of it.

Fight Right

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, Julie & John Gottman (Penguin, 2024)

For over fifty years, John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and using their discoveries to develop books and tools to help couples grow their relationships.

Earlier books, such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  and Eight Dates cover multiple aspects of relationships - friendship, conflict, communication, sex, hopes & dreams, and so on. This great new book, Fight Right, focuses on conflict, particularly the conflicts that couples get stuck in. If you are familiar with the Gottman’s work and materials, none of it will be particularly new, but the re-presentation of it structured around conflict is very helpful.

I particularly liked their focus on conflict being a way to connection: 

“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection.” (p9)

There is a recognition that every relationship contains conflict, for all couples will fight in some way or another. It’s how to do it that matters: 

“When we fight, we should be trying to create something better. That’s the ultimate goal of conflict: to create something better for yourself, for you and your partner as a couple, and for the world.“ (p 17).

The first section explores conflict itself - why we fight, how we fight, and what we fight about. In the end, we fight because we are two different people with different personalities, desires, goals, hopes and dreams. As Christians, I think we would add that we also fight because we are two sinners living together, we can be self-centred and unwilling to serve each other.

They explore different conflict styles in a relationship - avoidant, validating and volatile. While the categorisations were helpful, I didn’t see myself clearly defined by any of them. I could see overlap and bits of each. I’m not sure this mattered that much though, because they suggest that your conflict style is less important when compared to how you fight. Their research indicates that you need a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in conflict (and much more positive overall in your relationship).

They see a conflict as a bid for connection. It’s an attempt to bridge the gap when something is wrong between you. They suggest that the common denominator in every fight that goes wrong is dismissing our partner’s negative emotions, rather than being willing to explore them. Ideally, we want to approach each other with curiosity over what is happening, rather than hostility. 

“When we choose someone for life, in addition to choosing someone to love, we’re choosing a set of forever conflicts, points of friction that will always heat up from time to time and sometimes maybe start a little fire. There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with the points of conflict - to accept that they are there and approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.” (94)

This book is aimed at couples willing to work on their marriage. However, they say three circumstances are usually dealbreakers: abuse, refusal to seek help for addiction, and differences around having children. While the warnings about abuse are present, they are a little limited. I was surprised they didn’t add ongoing infidelity to this list. Elsewhere they have identified this as a contra-indication to successful couples counselling.* 

The second section explores the five fights everyone has, and how to do them better:

1. The harsh-start up. The first 3 minutes of a fight are critical to how it goes. They suggest a different way: I feel x, the problem is y, I need z. It’s about you, not the other person. 
2. Attacking, withdrawing, defending and flooding. We need to solve the moment, not the fight. Here they talk more about expressing needs, and repair attempts mid-fight. 
3. Staying shallow - not addressing the real issue underneath. We must understand what is really going on before we can seek to deal with it. 
4. Competing to win, rather than being flexible together and trying to find a way forward. 
5. Stewing about past fights. Unresolved conflicts fester, so a way is provided to process unresolved past arguments and explore what happened. 

This book gives couples some of the same tools that a Gottman-accredited therapist would use. Seeing a therapist together is still a great idea, especially for couples struggling in conflict gridlock. However, this is a great option for couples who want to try on their own or have circumstances that make it difficult to see a therapist. It requires both of you to be fully committed to the process. If that’s the case, I see much benefit for couples that apply the principles here.

The book is probably a little longer than it needed to be. However, some will appreciate knowing what their research found and what their methods are based on. The numerous illustrations and examples sprinkled throughout will help many to grasp and implement the suggestions. It’s a secular book, so those who want a Christian framework need to look elsewhere. I would have appreciated a bit more detail about what forgiveness can look like within a relationship. However, this is still some of the best research-backed work in the field. I like the Gottmans’ style. They are realistic and they offer hope. 

“Our conflicts are endless mirrors of our deeper humanity. They compel us to see and accept the full complex humanity of our partner – both the wonderful parts and the deeply human flaws. That means accepting their vulnerabilities, their baggage, their trauma, and their weaknesses - all the nuances that create the whole individual, the heart and soul, of this person you fell in love with.” (p. 298)

*10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman (Norton & Co, 2015)

Not Yet Married

Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating, Marshall Segal (Crossway, 2017) 

This is a vey helpful book for young singles who are considering what it means to be faithful & gospel focussed in their singleness, as well what dating looks like as a potential precursor to marriage.

Segal writes from his own experience of longing to be married throughout his twenties and making relationships an idol, and wants to encourage young singles to be more Christ-centred than relationship-centred. His personal sharing is both positive and negative at points. He is open and clear about his own mistakes and desires. Yet his acknowledged almost needy longing to marry may not appeal to some readers, perhaps especially some men. He notes that his goal is “that we’re in the pursuit of joy, not marriage”. Interestingly, I felt this encouragement to joy was much stronger in the first section on singleness than the second on dating.

Wisely, he explains his title choice of “Not Yet Married” - which could turn some potential readers off - for in the end, many do long for marriage, statistically most people will marry, and in the end we will all be married to Christ as his church.

Part 1: The Not Yet Married Life elevates singleness to a purposeful, intentional framework where God can be served in a less divided and distracted way. There was much here that was helpful, for both those who are thankful for their singleness and those who are less satisfied with it.

“God is trying to give us unconditional love, indescribable joy, and unparalleled purpose, but many of us are just trying to get married.” (p25)

Much of the advice here is applicable to everyone, whether married or single - such as living in a way that strives to wins the world for Jesus, and the things to consider in our jobs and career paths.

Segal is honest about marriage, and strikes a warning note for those who think it’s a better path - it is a high calling, but it’s a distracting and demanding one. “Marriage is a good gift and a terrible god.” (p.62)

He gives suggestions for how to live when single - doing radical, time consuming things for God, careful to avoid the distractions of this world, and loving the life you have know (even if you might prefer a different circumstance). He invites the single person to be accountable to others, not be isolated, and to connect with others: “We are to be more connected, more dependent, as we wait for Jesus to come back” (p.68). One chapter focusses in on the lies of not yet married life, and while somewhat negative, it was an honest chapter than will be challenging reading for some - especially those who long to be married, and allow it to impact their growth in godliness now.

Part 2: When the Not Yet Married Meet is really summed up with this phrase: “The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy” (p.189). This helpful overriding principle helps to frame much of this section.

“A lot of the heartache and confusion we feeling dating stems from treating dating mainly as practice for marriage (clarity through intimacy), instead of his discernment towards marriage (clarity and then intimacy).” (p140)

He has numerous suggestions on how to date, which are more principles that practices. These include: wait to date until you can marry, don’t let your mind marry before the rest of you can, have boundaries, and show others Jesus through your dating. I was less certain about a chapter drawing links from the story of Isaac and Rebecca to modern dating.

He has a lot to say about purity, boundaries, and making wise choices in this areas. He suggests three boundaries: cultivate independence from one another, consider your conversations (how often and what about), and value trusting each other more than touching each other. On this he asks a very pointed question - Will you feel the need to apologise to their future spouse? - for the boundaries you crossed together. He notes particular how men need to take the lead in this area.

He encourages the dating couple to seek accountability as the wisdom of others - friends, parents, our church family, and God. I loved this call to fathers: 

“Wise dads relish the opportunity to develop a real, intentional, grace-and-truth relationship with the man who might be tasked with caring for their daughter for the rest of her life. What if a daughter's father took some responsibility, not just in vetting, a young man, but investing in him, and preparing him to make much of Jesus in dating and marriage?” (p177)

He then explores how to manage break-ups, acknowledging both the pain and the growth that it can bring.

“You won't experience many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific than a breakup, so it truly is a unique time, for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers” (p.187)

I suspect that because Segal concentrated on principles of dating, he has chosen to include less on the specifics and mechanics of dating - such as how you communicate, manage conflict, share emotions and feelings, and so on. These are still important areas to consider and work through together, just not covered here.

Recommended for those in their younger years (mainly 20s and 30s) who are thinking through what it means to live singly or in a dating relationship with honour, grace, and a gospel focus.

Couples Therapy

I devoured all five series of this show - three of the US version, and then two of Couples Therapy Australia. They were all excellent, as a skilled therapist worked with different couples over a period of time. 

In the US edition, Dr Orna Guralnik works with couples in New York. The honesty and vulnerability of the couples is amazing as they share their conflicts, pain, past history, disappointments and dreams. What struck me was the therapist’s skill and gentleness with them all, all while trying to remain neutral, and guide the couples to explore their own challenges their own way. Included are some of her sessions with her supervisor, and her self-awareness about how she experiences what she does. As it was filmed over the last few years, it also gave an amazing picture into how Covid affected couples & the therapy process in New York during that first major lockdown (which must have been an absolutely unexpected gift to the producers!)

The Australian version follows the same format, with skilled psychotherapist Marryam Chehelnabi. Of course you have no idea how much editing has played a part, but all in all, the therapists display compassion, understanding and non-judgementalism (as to be expected). Each season includes people with different cultural backgrounds and sexual orientation, and one US season includes a transgender woman. People face the reality of alcohol addiction, racism, childhood abuse, and grief. So, the breadth of humanity’s current experience is explored in depth. On the other hand, you know that you have only seen a small portion of the actual therapy - perhaps 1-2 hours per couple over what must have been regular months of therapy. So it’s just a snippet and there aren’t many tools to take away for personal use (either as a couple or a therapist!)

I loved the production of both, they weren’t dramatic or sensational. Some things couples disclose are hard and painful, and some are wonderful, but nothing was overdone or caricatured. It was all very real. There was so much to learn about the human condition, and how relationships function. Engrossing.

All of these are currently on Paramount +

Build a Stronger Marriage

Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine (New Growth Press, 2022)

I have had the opportunity to review a new series of books by New Growth Press called Ask The Christian Counselor and I’ll tell you about them over coming weeks.

First up is Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine

Aimed at couples in struggling marriages, Lepine has written a gospel-focussed book that gives hope and guidance for those that may have lost their way. He starts considering the wrong reasons and expectations many have when they marry, then brings the reader back to remind them of their true purpose:

“If your goal is to have a marriage that pleases you, you will face ongoing, perpetual frustration and disappointment. But when your goal is to have a marriage that is pleasing to God, each challenge you face along the way will be a fresh opportunity to fix what’s broken and make ongoing progress toward that goal.”

He explores the four main problem areas of the past that influence a marriage: family of origin issues, childhood trauma, issues of shame and guilt related to sex, and unaddressed relational wounds. These are not dealt with in depth, but have enough content for you to identify whether you are impacted by them and may need additional help in working through them. The reader is then brought back to their restoration in Christ, and the encouragement that our past does not define our future.

Lepine proposes that the essentials in any marriage are: putting anger to death, determining when to overlook things and when to confront, and the crucial role of repentance, confession, and forgiveness. These were honest chapters laying responsibility for our behaviour clearly at our own feet. I was also pleased to see the caveat that gracious forgiveness does not extend to abusive or controlling relationships without repentance.

Encouraging us to put off sin, and put on the fruits of the spirit, he posits four best practices of marriage - generous forgiveness, extravagant love, enthusiastic encouragement, and common convictions.

Considering the length of the book (100 pages), I was surprised by the amount of quality content. Each chapter is punchily short, but with enough to consider, challenge, and engage with, as well as illustrations and examples to make his points clearer.

Each chapter ends with a section “Practical steps for real change” where the real work is done personally, with the encouragement to write answers to the questions. The focus is on you, the reader, and Lepine asks you to honestly consider the part you play in your marriage, not your spouse - for the only person you can change is you. Obviously, couples that work through this together with a desire for change will reap the most benefit.

An excellent short book for those wanting godly guidance, wisdom and suggestions for growth and change.

This is how your marriage ends

This is How Your Marriage Ends, Matthew Fray (Souvenir Press, 2022)

This new relationship book stands out with its raw honesty and frank assessment of just how awful divorce is. Fray’s life came apart when his wife left with their young son. Once he worked through his anger and blame of her, he started to think more about his role in the breakdown of their marriage. This led to a blog, relationship coaching, and now a book.

“My overarching premise is that good people who want to be married accidentally hurt one another and betray each other's trust without either partner being aware of it as it is happening until their marriage slowly becomes toxic and/or ends.” (p8)

Fray thought he was a good guy - he never hurt people intentionally, he provided, and he cared. But he came to the conclusion that good people can make bad spouses when they do not try to understand their partner’s emotions. He frames one of his key concepts around the “invalidation triple threat”.

#1 - My wife’s thoughts were wrong - what she thinks happened is wrong.
#2 - My wife’s feelings were wrong - how she feels about it is wrong.
#3 - The justifiable defence - defending or explaining your actions to justify the two things above.

“Constantly, and most of the time unconsciously, we invalidate the lived experiences of the people we love. With great conviction, we tell them to their faces that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong. We tell them that their feelings are wrong. And we tell them that their treatment of us is wrong - that it’s unfair.” (p127)

Rather, he has come to realise:

“I want to be a person who chooses to comfort and support the people I love when they feel hurt or sad or afraid rather than try to convince them that they SHOULDN’T feel these things. (p147)

“If any of us want to succeed in dating, marriage, parenting, or friendship, we need to replace this habit of judgment with something else. Curiosity. Empathy. Encouragement.” (p122)

He proposes with 6 key relationship skills to practice and master:

#1 - Choosing safety and trust over being ”right”
#2 - Know your partner almost as well as you know yourself
#3 - Differentiating between character flaws and habits
#4 - Arguing or criticising effectively - goal is not to win, but to arrive at truth.
#5 - Connection rituals
#6 - Move the dots closer

“Every day - every conversation, every moment - is an opportunity to move closer to one another or further apart. You get to choose.” (171)

Some things I liked about this book:

• His raw honesty. A man who will share in detail his emotional and physical reactions when his wife left, and his owning of his own mistakes as a result is worth listening to. It has value if it stops a divorce that could have been prevented by alarming people so much as to the consequences. (Note: he thinks his wife was right to leave him, but he grieves that it had to be that way). 

• His assessment that people are not taught how to relate well, have few skills at it, and this is something that is crucial for youth and young adults. 

“One of the ways we can make this world a better place is by getting collectively serious about educating both ourselves and younger generations about the knowledge and skills we will need to excel in our human relationships." (p39)

“We are not taught, nor are we teaching our kids the truth that nothing in life will affect us more profoundly as our closest interpersonal relationships - namely, marriage or a romantic relationship that looks and feels like marriage.” (p79)

• He challenges couples to honestly consider that their marriage should come before their kids. 

• He challenges men never to put their wife in the position of having to do something for them that their mother did. So, work together to manage the mental load, the second shift, and the emotional labour in the home. 

Other things to note:

• It’s written from a secular point of view. Which is totally fine, just different from most relationship books I review here. He is somewhat ambivalent about pornography use. It’s crass at points and includes a fair amount of swearing. I’m not convinced all concepts are referenced (e.g., his 6 second hug is very close to Gottman’s 6 second kiss). Practically, it was a bit too wordy and could have used a cleaner edit. At the same time, some more specific relationship examples might have been beneficial (often examples were about other aspects of life). 

• It really is aimed at men and how they fail their wives. Because he is a man who has done so, it has credibility, but it does seem very one-sided. I’m not sure how well it would go for a wife to read this, decide it describes her husband, and then put it in his hands. So, perhaps men need to recommend it to men. 

• On a broader note - it continues the stereotype that women are emotional and men are rational, and neither can do the other well. 

• I can see it’s usefulness for those relationships with regular conflict and with accusations of not understanding each other. It could be of help to those who are new to considering emotions and their partner’s point of view.

In conclusion, it was an interesting read. I am appreciative of extra voices in the relationship space, and there is something refreshing about someone openly admitting their failings and learnings. Having said that, if you need relationship help and want to use a book to guide you, I’d probably suggest Gottman over this (either The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) or his newer one with his wife Schwartz Gottman: Eight Dates.

Letters to a Romantic: On Dating

Letters to a Romantic: on dating, Sean Perron and Spencer Harmon

As we prepare couples for marriage and run marriage enrichment, we’re often asked if we know any good resources for couples who are dating or pre-engagement. To this point there has been little I have been able to recommend. 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged is a good option for couples who are getting serious and want some prompts to ensure they have talked through most important topics prior to marriage.

However, I been stumped for resources for people considering a godly approach to dating. Thankfully that is no longer the case, for friends Perron and Harmon (with their wives) have teamed together to create a resource for those who are in the dating stage of life. They openly state that “the point of this book is to start a conversation, not to have the whole conversation for you” (p15). As such each chapter is pretty short, raising each issue clearly and with biblical support, and leaving questions at the end for you to think though for your own situation.

It covers 20 different topics including:

• Marriage and singleness and considerations of both
• Practicalities of dating - the purpose of dating, how to decline a date and considering whether to be in a relationship
• Warning flags to consider in a dating relationship including use of pornography, and signs of obsession or abuse 
• How to break up well and analyse an ended relationship
• Considerations of a physical relationship including past sexual sin, dealing with sinning sexually in the current relationship, and how to think about physical affection 

I liked its gospel and biblical focus, it keeps drawing the reader back to the grace of God for salvation and reminds that in all stages of life, serving and worshipping God is our priority, whatever stage of relationship we are in.

One of the most helpful chapters was the one on preparing for romance, which encourages the reader to consider the following:

1. What is my foundation?  Am I operating out of fear (eg fear of loneliness or of commitment) or am I operating in faith that God provides all we need in every situation?
2. What is my vision?  Do I value man’s world or God’s word?  Do I value outward appearance or the inner heart? Do I care about pleasing them vs pleasing God?
3. What are my expectations? Am I always comparing against other relationships or situations, or I am seeking contentment in my own situation and who God made each of us to be?

I also appreciated the more ‘realistic’ chapters, the ones that frankly dealt with how to say no graciously to a date request, how to break up (with charity and clarity) and how to talk through sexual sins of the past and present.  There was an acceptance of the reality of differences between two people and also the reality of sin, and both were dealt with well. There was a strong message to avoid pornography and to seek help if you struggle with it.

The chapter on whether to date a non-Christian was direct and honest, with the clear answer being no. Their reasoning brings a helpful corrective to the issue: if you date a non-Christian, even if you are hoping to bring them to Christ the act of dating them says “I value you more than I value what Christ says” and so you undermine your own message.

There was an encouragement to see that dating should have a purpose, for too often these days it’s “an escapade aimed at nothing”. It should actually be a way to find out more about their character and Christian growth, and keep open the possibility of knowing more. But if you know you could not or would not marry them, do not keep dating.

There were a couple of areas that weren’t as strong. Unfortunately, the first chapter was one of the weakest, particularly the discussion of the gift of marriage and singleness. It seems simplistic to me that if you are content being single, you have the gift of singleness.  While this is true, what about people who are not content with singleness? It doesn’t mean they have the gift of marriage either. I think it’s more helpful to see that the current life stage you are in is what you currently have the gift of, so if you are single you currently have that gift but perhaps in time (if you marry) you are given the gift of marriage. It irked me that they encouraged people who hope to be married to do cooking courses or learn a trade so they can manage a household in the future. Those are skills all people need whether married or single.

Having said that, they later addressed well the sorrow and joy of singleness, acknowledging that it’s not sinful to feel the sting of unwanted singleness, but it is sinful to let that become a heart that grumbles against the Lord and others.  Also timely was the warning that if you are discontent as a single, marriage won’t change that for “discontent singles become discontent marrieds”. We are to seek contentment in all circumstances as we follow Christ.

The chapter on declining a date was aimed at women, and I’m OK with that, although I don’t think all Christian relationships have started with the guy making the first move. What I would have liked to see was a matching chapter to the men of how to ask a woman on a date. There was one comment to the women “if a guy doesn’t have the courage to ask you out in person, he’s not worth your time”. Boy is that true, but I’m not sure in this era of texting that all young men have got that message. I do often point out dating couples to my kids - the ones that are sitting together at a food court but both on their own phones - and suggest to them that’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. If they don’t put down their phone and talk to you, they are not worth it!

The chapter of gauging parents’ reactions to a relationship was helpful, but dealt mainly with when parents have concerns. There is wisdom in advising people to listen to their parents’ concerns, but to also find ways to evaluate what they are saying. I would have liked to see an encouragement to the dating couple to take time to get to know both sets of parents well.

There was a strong emphasis throughout the book to have wise older mentors/ couples that you can talk to about things. They even suggest having a mentor present for discussions about past sexual sin. I wasn’t sure about that; these difficult conversations are the things that couples need to learn how to manage together and on their own. Having said that it does give the couple permission to seek help if needed.

The advice most likely to challenge dating couples is the suggestion to consider not kissing prior to marriage. They present a strong case for their opinion and are clear it’s not a rule. These are good conversations for couples to have and to make wise decisions about, rather than just assuming you do what everyone else seems to be doing. I would have liked to know what they thought about holding hands or hugging; it wasn’t clear.

It’s worth mentioning this book is clearly aimed at younger people. While much of the advice is wise and applicable for couples dating into their thirties and perhaps forties, the inclusion of a chapter on ‘are we too young to get married?’ makes it clear who their intended audience are. Also, it doesn’t deal at all with dating after a failed marriage (which can still happen for people in their 20s and 30s), or even a failed long term relationship prior. Even the discussion about breaking up suggested a relationship of months not years. 

While I’ve written quite a detailed review outlining lots of things I wanted to think about more, overall this book is very, very good.  It fills a much-needed gap and provides solidly biblical, Christian advice which doesn’t skimp on saying hard truths when needed. I would happily recommend it to anyone in the ‘dating’ phase of life. Many couples fall into relationships without really considering what they are there for and why.  As the forward by Heath Lambert says “Dating relationships are complicated because they come at the intersection of four realities: sin, inexperience, high stakes and a lack of familiarity.” The conversations this book raises would help many people who want to serve Christ as they date, and help them to make wise decisions as they proceed through this tricky stage.



As a side note, I didn't love the title either.  However, considering the quality of this book, I may in time move on to their next similarly titled one - Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement.