Angry with God

Angry with God: An Honest Journey through Suffering and Betrayal, Brad Hambrick (New Growth Press, 2022) 

This is the fifth and final book in the new Ask the Christian Counselor Series by New Growth Press. Brad Hambrick skilfully leads the reader through an exploration and processing of their anger and grief due to suffering, betrayal or loss. As such, it’s quite specific - aimed at the Christian who is angry with God or others for what has happened to them. Hambrick helps with processing the hot emotions of grief in a way that allows for self-reflection, honesty, discovery, and growth. 

With very small, bite sized chapters, Hambrick logically leads through a compassionate exploration. He starts by considering anger itself, and how to pace oneself along the path of exploring it. He guides in the construction of a timeline of events and topography of pain to chart the emotion connected with it. He strongly encourages the finding of close friends with whom you can walk the path. These are helpful set-ups for the deep work he later encourages. Starting to address the theological complications of how to view pain and suffering, he comforts with the truth that your pain is not a riddle to be solved (why? why me?), but an experience to be processed and a journey to be endured. 

Section 2 (Articulating your pain) leads the reader to analyse the events that led to the anger and distress. Explore what was good amongst the pain, what happened factually (enabling you to move from primarily emotions to learning and considering). Whether things that God’s people did affected your relationship with God, and what other things made the pain worse. All of these help to move from angry grief to memorialising grief. Section 3 is a detailed exploration of the multifaceted effects of the pain played out in emotions, thoughts, relationships, choices, and our view of God. This is where honest assessment of how we have reacted to our situation has played a part and how we have choices moving forwards. Section 4 is where resolution begins to come as our faith matures, we understand suffering as part of life, we accept that we only understand partially. So, we make decisions of how to live moving forwards, and how to move towards hope. Section 5 brings the reader back to the gospel through the lens of creation, fall, redemption, sanctification, and glorification. Having done the hard work of grief and anger processing, hopefully the promises of God for this life and the life to come now bring further hope and understanding. 

There is a lot of value in this short book. Hambrick uses counselling skills and processes skilfully, and sensitively combines them with gospel truths. It is a counselling tool in your own hands. Additionally, a counsellor could use this to assist a client through a grief process. While not naming them, many concepts he flagged were familiar to standard counselling practice - the timeline, Neimeyer’s meaning making through grief, Stroebe’s & Schut’s dual process grief model, and various CBT concepts. A very helpful resource.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.  

A Small Book About a Big Problem

A Small Book About a Big Problem, Edward T. Welch   

Adding to the books produced by CCEF faculty on anger is this offering from Edward Welch, A Small Book About a Big Problem: Meditations on Anger, Patience, and Peace.

He describes it as a slow 50-day walk through anger, so that we can dwell in it’s reality and what it does to us.

“To be human is to get angry. Look closely at any day and we can usually find anger in either actions or attitudes. Just track those pesky inconveniences – things spilled, things misplaced, traffic problems that seem devoted to making your life more difficult, and people, so many people, who are ill-mannered and unhelpful… anger is so common, almost ordinary. To be angry is to destroy. Yet ordinary does not mean innocent. In its commonness we can overlook our anger’s volatile and destructive disposition. Everyone has both been destroyed by someone’s anger and done some destroying.” (p1-2)

Each short pithy chapter is 2-3 pages, and as such it’s a primer on anger, so it can help the person who wants to address many issues surrounding anger, but doesn’t want to read extensively. Some chapters are clearly to prompt further thought, some are explicit biblical teaching, and some are challenges to your own behaviour. There was no clear order that I could determine, it meanders through topics and seems to double back to things. Yet this will work for many. I strongly prefer a clear structure, but not everyone does. And with the format used, it need to and does have continual grace, teaching and challenge scattered throughout.

My thought with books on topics like anger is that they are excellent and needed, but do people really read them? You might if you knew you had a problem with anger and needed to deal with it, which in itself would take some humility and guiding by the Holy Spirit. Yet the reality is that all of us have anger issues. We all think things should go our way, we all can tend to grumbling, and a lack of thankfulness. We all think that everyone else should fall in line with what we want.  The is part of the universal fall of man, we all want to go our own way instead of God’s.

“Grumbling is spiritual adultery…We think we are doing fairly well because we are merely grumpy and other muttering under our breath. But our grumbling is against God. It holds him in contempt. It is a way we despise him.” (p105)

So, I am all for books like this, but I suspect they don’t get into as many hands as they should. And that’s a shame because it’s very helpful and designed to be taken in small chunks, encouraging the reader to face the realities of anger, how it affects them and the people around them. It’s peppered throughout with the refreshing news of God’s grace.

I think on reflection I preferred Powlinson’s Good & Angry, but that’s because I like a more in-depth treatment. For reflective purposes though, this one may be just right for many. It could easily be incorporated into daily reading. Each chapter takes less than 5 minutes to read, but could provide food for thought and prayer for the whole day. Therefore, it’s not so much a book about anger, but a book about personally dealing with your own anger.

It’s obviously not meant to be a full extensive treatment but I did think a little more time could have been given to victims of anger. While it was addressed in Day 22, I wondered if more was needed than this. In addition, I didn’t notice the acknowledgement that some anger hides real pain, such as grief, loss, sadness, or loneliness.

There was usually a question at the end of each chapter to prompt further thought, which was a helpful place to leave people - in reflection. I would have loved to see some suggestions for prayer as well for many chapters would have naturally led to thanksgiving or confession, and actively encouraging that response would have been beneficial.

I found there were something every few days that makes me stop and really think, something that challenged me. So, it’s worth going slowly though it each day, even if some days feel less relevant or pointed than others. Sometimes the challenge might be to your marriage, many for me were about parenting, and others may find their workplace relationships to be the area where application kicks in.

This is not a book to read on how to manage the anger of others, particularly your children. Rather, this is a book that will make you deal with your own anger – be it rage, giving the cold shoulder, grumbling or complaining. Time spend in addressing the range of anger that permeates our lives is well worth it, and this book is a recommended addition to resources on the topic.

Good & Angry

Good & Angry, David Powlison                                 

I was keen to read this as Powlison is the lecturer who ran the CCEF course I did last year. This book was as good as that course - in fact, it was the essence of the course with application to anger. Much of the material I had already covered in the lectures or readings, which is a great recommendation, because they were excellent. I was thrilled when provided with a pdf copy of this by New Growth Press, because I have high expectations of anything written by CCEF faculty, and have not yet been disappointed.

Powlison states his goal early– to enable us to more fruitfully and honestly deal with our anger. He does not define anger as simply as you might think.   It does include the white-hot rage and seething that some have. It also includes long term bitterness and complaint, as well as general grumbling. He points that some things should anger us (ie injustice) but don’t. He also includes the possibility of truly righteous anger – anger that is the right response to a wrong.

Breaking this book down into four sections makes the material more manageable and logical.   He also gives some excellent tips on how to read the book. This is so rarely done in books it’s worth mentioning – he talks about underlining key sections, and writing out the questions raised for you as you go along.

Section 1 deals with our experience of anger, including some good observations on the real power of anger.  One chapter makes the point more clearly than ever: Chapter heading: Do you have a problem with anger? Rest of the chapter is one word: Yes. 

Section 2 addresses what anger is. He deals with the key idea of anger being “I’m against that”, “That matters and it’s not right”. He explains what happens to the whole person during anger – the body, mind, actions and motives. He addresses that we have a capacity for just anger and a bent to bad area (thanks to creation and the fall).

“Your anger is Godlike to the degree you treasure justice and fairness and are alert to betrayal and falsehood.  You anger is devil-like to the degree you play god and are petty, merciless, whiny, argumentative, willful, and unfair.” (p65-66)

Two chapters work through the idea of good anger being the “constructive displeasure of mercy” – that is, having patience, forgiveness, charity and constructive conflict. And he points us to God, who can have both anger and love consistent with each other, whereas our anger and love rarely are consistent.

Section 3 looks at how to change by showing us how we play God with our anger and how God still gives more grace to help us. He introduces 8 questions which help begin to tease out our anger, analysing motives and consequences. This leads to thinking about how God speaks to that situation, and how that changes your motives and consequences into more positive fruit. Having done this exercise with the course I did, I can speak from experience how helpful it can be when applied to an area of personal sin.

Section 4 tackles the hard cases, the major sins which lead us to say “I’ll never get over it”; the everyday angers which we pretend aren’t even there but come to define us; anger at ourselves; and anger at God.

I doubt there is anyone who can honestly say they don’t have a problem with anger in some format.  Powlison seriously claims there is no-one whom this doesn’t touch. So, this book is highly recommended reading for all.

Respectable Sins - Anger and it's weeds (Ch 15-16)

Respectable Sins, Jerry Bridges

Chapter 15 - Anger and Chapter 16 - The Weeds of Anger

There is a lot in these two chapters. All worth thinking through though. Chapter 15 looks at anger itself and then chapter 16 looks at other things that can result from our anger. So, Bridges says anger is defined as

a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism. I would add that it's often accompanied by sinful emotions, words and actions hurtful to those who are the objects of our anger. (p121)

Bridges makes the point that no one causes us to be angry - it is our choice to become angry. I have posted about this before, from the perspective of being an angry mummy. I have read a few things on anger this year, and each time it has been helpful to acknowledge that I can choose my reaction to things, whether I get calm or angry.

Bridges addresses this point too:

How can we handle our anger is a God-honouring way? First we have to recognise and acknowledge our anger and the sinfulness of it...Then we need to ask ourselves why we become angry. Was it because of our pride or selfishness or some idol of the heart we are protecting. If so, we need to repent not only of our anger but also of our pride, selfishness or idolatry. (p125)

Secondly, we turn to words of God to remind of how we should be, eg:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:32)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col 3:12-14)

Third, we must ask for forgiveness from those to whom we have shown anger.

Fourth, we hand over to God the occasion of our anger, trusting God that he is in control of all things, even unjust situations that spark us to anger.

Bridges also spends some time talking about anger towards God. I found this section quite interesting, he says

It is never okay to be angry at God. Anger is a moral judgment, and in the case of God, it accuses Him of wrongdoing. It accuses God of sinning against us by neglecting us or in some way treating us unfairly. (p127)

This made me think. I have heard it said (as you probably have) that's it OK to be angry at God, better to be angry at him and tell him, than to turn away from him in anger. I guess what that idea is actually focusing on is our attitude, rather than our anger - it is saying that we need to be able to come to God in all our circumstances, rather than going elsewhere. However, I can see Bridges' point here - anger at God does suggest that we do not trust him and that we think we deserve a better deal on earth than we are currently getting.

Chapter 16 moves on to look at the weeds of anger, the other things that spring from it, he includes:

• resentment - anger held on to, often internalized
  
• bitterness - resentment that has grown into ongoing animosity
• enmity and hostility - a higher level of animosity than bitterness, often expressed openly
• holding a grudge - planning, although usually not following through, revenge
• strife - open conflict or turmoil, often with groups rather than individuals

So, Bridges asks "how can we deal with our anger so so that it does not being to sprout these noxious weeds?" (p133)

1. We must look to the sovereignty of God - he allows what happens to us to happen, it may be for our growth, or to prepare us for something else.

2. We should pray that God will enable us to grow in love

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Pet 4:8)

[love] is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Cor 13:5b)

3. Learn to forgive as God has forgiven you

it cost God to forgive us. It cost Him the death of His Son. No price can be put on that death, but God paid it so He could forgive each of us of the enormous spiritual debt we owed to Him. (p138)

Some things to think about:

1. When do you struggle with anger?
   
2. Are you able to pray to God about your anger and ask forgiveness of those to whom you have shown anger?
3. Do you have anger towards God? Has this chapter made you think about that differently?
4. Which 'weeds' of anger are you cultivating? What are you going to do in order to change?

Next: Chapter 17 - Judgmentalism

Public Mummy

Well, my recent comment about being an Angry Mummy, resonated with a few people (glad I wasn't alone on that one!).

This weekend I was able to think a little more about another aspect of mothering.

We were away this weekend with the young-adults congregation that my husband ministers to. It is the only time each year we spend time with this congregation together as a family - as the children & I do not attend the 7pm congregation on a Sunday night.

It is a weekend of potential high-stress: my kids hyped up, surrounded by adults who like them but do not generally much spend time with children, different food, different beds, Dad is present but not really able to play with them, etc. And this particular weekend, a lot of rain, preventing most fun activities.

However, I was surprised to find myself quite calm throughout the weekend and feeling relatively under control. Part of it is also because I went into the weekend knowing what to expect, knowing that I was managing most things with the kids, because it was work for Husband - so I knew the routine. But I do think it was more than that.

Which got me thinking - was I ensuring I was coping well because I was being watched? There were about 70 pairs of eyes watching us parent all weekend, so I was extremely unlikely to let myself become 'Angry Mummy' or any other bad connotation of her.

Now, if being 'seen' makes me a better mother, I will go out more! However, it's much more than that isn't it? Our Heavenly Father sees us always, and knows all of our thoughts and desires - good or evil. If I can be a better parent because a lot of 20-25 year olds are watching me, surely I should be a better parent daily, knowing that my Father in heaven watches too.

I am humbly reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 6, talking about prayer, fasting and acts of righteousness:

6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven... [Jesus goes on to say, do them secretly]... 4b Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Let us all be parents who honour God in our public and our private parenting.

Angry mummy

I have been reading a book of late (on preparing for marriage of all things*) and came across a chapter on anger, entitled Commit Yourself to Control Anger.

I never would have (prior to children) considered myself an angry person. But I have certainly found, that since having children, I can get angry. Not hitting angry, but certainly yelling angry. I do not want to be an angry mum and I do not want to be a yelling mum - but there are times when I feel sorely tested in this area.

What I read in this chapter sounded at me like a trumpet call.

Who makes you angry? You do! Situations and other people cannot make you angry... You create your own anger. (p198)

What happens outside of us - external events - do not make us angry. Our thoughts do, whether they are automatic thoughts or ones we choose to think. Realising that you are responsible for your anger is to your advantage. You have an opportunity to take control of your thoughts and your emotions. In most situations, your anger will work against you and not for you. It can cripple you and make you quite ineffective. Anger can limit your capacity to discover creative solutions. If no real solution is available, at least you can free yourself from being dominated by the situation and give up resentment. Can joy, peace and contentment reside side-by-side with your anger? (p204-5)

I was struck dumb. The excuses that fill my mind "they are so disobedient", "but that behaviour is so annoying", "they should know better" - are only that - excuses to allow me to fuel my anger.

I must admit, I have felt truly chastened and repentant, as well as challenged. Challenged to stop myself becoming angry, and challenged to ensure that it is joy, peace and contentment that my children see in me daily. A challenge certainly, but a worthy one! I continue to pray that God may give me the grace to do so.

* The book is Now That You're Engaged, by H Norman Wright (I highly recommend it!)