7 Myths about Singleness

7 Myths about Singleness, Sam Allberry (Crossway, 2019)

Sometimes when I write a review, I want to say: “Just read it”. This is one of those times.

This is a great book for everyone - single and married alike. Allberry notes we are in an era where marriage is held up as the model for Christians. That it somehow signifies completeness, maturity, and having made it. Singleness therefore is seen as deficient, lesser, and a second prize.

We forget that it hasn’t always been like this. Jesus was single - and in no way deficient or incomplete as a human. The apostle Paul presented lofty views of marriage as a symbol of Christ and the church (Eph 5), yet still suggested singleness was preferable (1 Cor 7). In past times, being single to serve Christ was an honourable choice.

Allberry’s purpose is to show again the inherent goodness of singleness. (He defines singleness as being unmarried and committed to sexual abstinence). It is not bad to be single, rather it is valuable and good. He does so by working through seven myths: 

1. Singleness is too hard. One element of this is the perception that celibacy is too much to ask, yet sexual expression does not define our humanity. Allberry points out that marriage is also difficult. 1 Cor 7 argues that married life is more complicated, and singleness is more straightforward. 
2. Singleness requires a special calling. This pushes back on the idea that the gift of singleness is given to some, and you need that special power to cope with being single. 
3. Singleness means no intimacy. Great comments on friendships and their many benefits. Our culture has so raised the idea of romantic love to be the ideal form of expression, that we are unable to see the value of deep, close, intimate, yet non-sexual friendships. 
4. Singleness means no family. As Christians, the nuclear family does not have precedence over the larger family of God. Allberry shares many stories of how he has been part of families’ lives, providing the reader with many practical ideas. 
5. Singleness hinders ministry. Rather, there are benefits of being single in ministry, including more flexibility and responsiveness. At the same time, he acknowledges the costs, such as the time needed to run a household on your own. For those who think their single pastor cannot speak into their family life, he counters that pastors do not need to experience a life situation to be able to speak from God’s word about it. 
6. Singleness wastes your sexuality. This returns to some of the ideas of chapter 1. The ongoing feeling of restlessness and longing for more can point us to our creator God and the reality of the gospel in fulfilling every need. “If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.” 
7. Singleness is easy. Having taken six chapters to explore the benefits of singleness, this speaks honestly about the pain of being single and acknowledges that it can be very hard. For those who struggle, this gives voice to their pain.

Allberry is balanced throughout. This is not a book that upholds singleness at the expense of marriage. Both are honoured, valued, and esteemed. I appreciated his conclusion. Yes, singleness is good. But, really the main point is that God is good, and we can trust him to care for us and be with us, whatever our relational situation.

Not Yet Married

Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating, Marshall Segal (Crossway, 2017) 

This is a vey helpful book for young singles who are considering what it means to be faithful & gospel focussed in their singleness, as well what dating looks like as a potential precursor to marriage.

Segal writes from his own experience of longing to be married throughout his twenties and making relationships an idol, and wants to encourage young singles to be more Christ-centred than relationship-centred. His personal sharing is both positive and negative at points. He is open and clear about his own mistakes and desires. Yet his acknowledged almost needy longing to marry may not appeal to some readers, perhaps especially some men. He notes that his goal is “that we’re in the pursuit of joy, not marriage”. Interestingly, I felt this encouragement to joy was much stronger in the first section on singleness than the second on dating.

Wisely, he explains his title choice of “Not Yet Married” - which could turn some potential readers off - for in the end, many do long for marriage, statistically most people will marry, and in the end we will all be married to Christ as his church.

Part 1: The Not Yet Married Life elevates singleness to a purposeful, intentional framework where God can be served in a less divided and distracted way. There was much here that was helpful, for both those who are thankful for their singleness and those who are less satisfied with it.

“God is trying to give us unconditional love, indescribable joy, and unparalleled purpose, but many of us are just trying to get married.” (p25)

Much of the advice here is applicable to everyone, whether married or single - such as living in a way that strives to wins the world for Jesus, and the things to consider in our jobs and career paths.

Segal is honest about marriage, and strikes a warning note for those who think it’s a better path - it is a high calling, but it’s a distracting and demanding one. “Marriage is a good gift and a terrible god.” (p.62)

He gives suggestions for how to live when single - doing radical, time consuming things for God, careful to avoid the distractions of this world, and loving the life you have know (even if you might prefer a different circumstance). He invites the single person to be accountable to others, not be isolated, and to connect with others: “We are to be more connected, more dependent, as we wait for Jesus to come back” (p.68). One chapter focusses in on the lies of not yet married life, and while somewhat negative, it was an honest chapter than will be challenging reading for some - especially those who long to be married, and allow it to impact their growth in godliness now.

Part 2: When the Not Yet Married Meet is really summed up with this phrase: “The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy” (p.189). This helpful overriding principle helps to frame much of this section.

“A lot of the heartache and confusion we feeling dating stems from treating dating mainly as practice for marriage (clarity through intimacy), instead of his discernment towards marriage (clarity and then intimacy).” (p140)

He has numerous suggestions on how to date, which are more principles that practices. These include: wait to date until you can marry, don’t let your mind marry before the rest of you can, have boundaries, and show others Jesus through your dating. I was less certain about a chapter drawing links from the story of Isaac and Rebecca to modern dating.

He has a lot to say about purity, boundaries, and making wise choices in this areas. He suggests three boundaries: cultivate independence from one another, consider your conversations (how often and what about), and value trusting each other more than touching each other. On this he asks a very pointed question - Will you feel the need to apologise to their future spouse? - for the boundaries you crossed together. He notes particular how men need to take the lead in this area.

He encourages the dating couple to seek accountability as the wisdom of others - friends, parents, our church family, and God. I loved this call to fathers: 

“Wise dads relish the opportunity to develop a real, intentional, grace-and-truth relationship with the man who might be tasked with caring for their daughter for the rest of her life. What if a daughter's father took some responsibility, not just in vetting, a young man, but investing in him, and preparing him to make much of Jesus in dating and marriage?” (p177)

He then explores how to manage break-ups, acknowledging both the pain and the growth that it can bring.

“You won't experience many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific than a breakup, so it truly is a unique time, for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers” (p.187)

I suspect that because Segal concentrated on principles of dating, he has chosen to include less on the specifics and mechanics of dating - such as how you communicate, manage conflict, share emotions and feelings, and so on. These are still important areas to consider and work through together, just not covered here.

Recommended for those in their younger years (mainly 20s and 30s) who are thinking through what it means to live singly or in a dating relationship with honour, grace, and a gospel focus.

She's Got The Wrong Guy

She’s Got The Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle, Deepak Reju

It’s with some hesitation that I write this review. I married young and have not experienced long term singleness, the unmet desire for companionship or the chance of not having children. Yet, having been involved in marriage ministry and walking for 15 years alongside people in pastoral ministry, I can say without hesitation that who you marry matters. It affects your happiness on earth, but much more than that, it has eternal consequences. Spouses either lead each other toward Christ or away from him, and a life lived serving the Lord can be much harder in a difficult marriage.

We trust that God’s grace is sufficient for all circumstances (including being married to a non-Christian) and he gives us the ability to live for him in life’s joy and challenges. But sometimes the reality of a book like this is needed to help people prevent making life-altering, unwise choices.

If you are a single woman (and hoping to be married), I wonder what your internal monologue tends to be regarding men and marriage. Does it include the following?

• I deserve to be happy, to be married and to have children
• God doesn’t want me to be miserable and single
• My boyfriend is a new Christian but he’ll mature
• He’ll change (I can help him)
• He’s willing to come to church, that’s enough
• It’s my fault he lost got angry or lost control
• I don’t want to lose the only chance at marriage I may have

Deepak Reju, writing from years of pastoral and counselling experience, outlines the current dating landscape, noting our culture has lifted marriage and self-fulfilment to be a right all are entitled. Christian women have bought this lie, noting that “As Christian women, we teach the gospel, pray the gospel, sing the gospel - and we secretly hope for marriage”. To be clear: to hope for marriage is not a problem, but it is when marriage becomes the thing you seek first, what you long for, and you expend energy to find. Rather, we are to seek Christ first. Of course, this is not exclusively applicable for singles, everyone is called to seek Christ first, rather than our own personal idols of happiness, comfort, companionship and family. He identified numerous reasons women settle for inappropriate men: they put marriage above everything else, love is blind, they are afraid (maybe of being alone, being rejected) and they are unwilling to heed wise counsel.

He calls women not to forget Jesus, and encourages them to ask themselves two hard questions:

1. Do I desire Jesus more than anything else?
2. Would I settle for the wrong guy?

As Christians, our goal is to grow closer to Jesus, not to find a man. God himself has promised that we belong to him, he will love us faithfully and that he will never leave or forsake us: “Don’t build your heart around temporary treasures, like marriage to a godly husband, raising children, or the dream of a future together. Let your heart by captivated by Christ. Make Christ the greatest of all treasures.”

Reju then outlines ten types of men to be wary of: the control freak, the promiscuous guy (does he push for pre-martial sex?), the unchurched guy, the new convert, the unbeliever, the angry man, the lone ranger (unwilling to be held accountable), the commitment phobe, the passive man, and the unteachable guy. While it seemed initially like a long list, each chapter was compelling. Each of these types of men present serious issues in marriage; whether for your own growth in godliness, their own salvation, or having a relationship that is loving, gentle and mutually encouraging.

As I read through these, I was tempted to think – will any men be left at the end? Yes, there are: godly men who want to serve Jesus and their prospective spouse. This is where Reju takes us in the final chapters – in pursuit of real Christian men. Men who value what God values and love Christ more than the woman they are with. One very helpful distinctive he makes here is the difference between immaturity and the problematic man. Maturity takes time, you can’t expect the same godliness and wisdom of a mature Christ-loving, self-sacrificial 60-year-old man in a 22-year-old. But you can see the signs of where he will go.

“Choose wisely. The imperfect guy – the one who is growing in Christ and still has growing to do as he figures out how to be a boyfriend and a husband – give him a chance. Ditch the problematic man. Stay away from him.”

This is a necessary counter, because you could end up with such high goals for a Christian man, that you’re seeking perfection, which does not exist. We are all sinful and fall short of the glory of God. There could also certainly be wisdom in waiting longer to marry, to have a clearer idea of how you both are maturing in Christ.

There were insightful questions to ask about your relationship and wise guidance on how to break up. He acknowledges that for many women, the choice is between this average guy and being single (not between this average guy and that godly, wise man). He strongly encourages women not to settle for the average guy, even if he appears to be your only option, but to be content to wait upon the Lord. He closes by showing the many ways God’s grace is at work in singleness and marriage, helping us to live faithfully for Christ in various circumstances.

Single women would be advised to heed his wisdom as they consider the dating options around them. Single men should read it too, with an open and honest willingness to examine their own hearts and whether they are being willingly conformed to the image of Christ. Those with single friends or who counsel singles will also find much to recommend. Something about the title does make me wonder how many people are likely to read it though, and I wouldn't recommend it to women who are already married. This book is preventative. A whole other approach is needed for women already in difficult marriages.

I found myself wondering if there could be a companion volume, for there are also types of women that Christian men should be wary of. Such a list might include: the passive aggressive, the controller, the change-agent, the emotional manipulator; and similarly to this book: the angry woman, the unbeliever, the unchurched, and the new believer.

This book asks: “is it OK to settle in marriage?” Some things we should be willing to settle for. If your ideal man must be good-looking, athletic and outgoing, it’s time to question what you really value. The quiet, shy, awkward man on the sideline may be the one who is growing in godliness and grace. But don’t settle for a man who is ungodly, unwilling to live in Christian community, or continues in unrepentant sin. Of course, God in his mercy can work miracles of grace and change in anyone’s life. But the message of this book is: let God start that work in him before you consider joining your lives together.

Grief just is

Following on from yesterday's reference to Sarie's blog, there is another great article there by Narelle Jarrett on the grief of singleness. Here is an extract:

Grief demands to be recognized and allowed to be what it is - an uncontrollable emotional response - sadness - in the experience of a great loss.

No one chooses grief - it just is.
It sweeps across us unexpectedly, it catches us by surprise and it refuses to disappear just because we want it to.

It demands acknowledgement, it demands that we pay attention. That is why it is so cruel when we are called to 'trust God and get on with serving'.... In most instances we are in fact already doing just that...

Because the griefs of singleness and of not having children are so deep, so real and so totally right, they can't be dismissed or dealt with by anything other than allowing ourselves to grieve. Grieving with the friends who understand and who don't imply we are being self centred or self-pitying or even that we're doubting God's goodness. Such hurtful and totally inappropriate, even cruel responses to women and men in grief, do not help. In fact they add to the isolation and loneliness of grief.

It's a good, honest article, which many of us would benefit from. Read the whole post here.

The Briefing - May

I have just finished reading this month's e-Briefing, and highly recommend it to you.

The topic this month is Purity in the Age of Porn and it contains a number of helpful articles.

In Sexual Immorality: Some Thoughts from Corinth Gordon Cheng talks about how the first and final solution to dealing with sexual sin is the death and resurrection of Jesus. We cannot jump in first with ways and tips to help each other, but must first come to grips with what Jesus has done for us on the cross, and how that must shape all of how we live.

In The naked truth about porn, James Warren talks through the realities of life today, where TV, the movies and most predominately the internet, ensure that porn of all types has a AAA rating "Available, Affordable, Anonymous". James evens attempts a helpful definition of porn "explicit material designed to promote sexual desire outside God's design".

James discusses 3 reasons why porn actually is bitter, because it reinforces three distortions of the life that God wants for us. It distorts sex, distorts relationships and distorts ourselves.

He goes on to suggest 4 ways we can deal better with these issues:

1. We need to be mindful of diversity - some people have no issues with porn, others dabble in it and others are addicted to it. We have to understand that it is a problem for some, but not all - and therefore we must be aware of it, and never dismiss it out of hand

2. We need to be honest - we need to be opposed to all porn and have 'absolutely no porn' as our goal. Those who struggle in this way need to be honest with some trusted friends who will help to keep them accountable.

3. We need to be supportive - help those who struggle, for those who do struggle in this area "face a long, hard and lonely path with little support. The discipline required is immense, and the process is humiliating".

4. We need to speak up publicly. Christians are in danger of saying too little on this topic, "yet we have immensely valuable things to say about sex to our society. By not speaking up, we end up capitulating to and condoning the world's agenda."

A helpful article in many many ways.


In Making Singleness Better, Tim Adeney talks about how to love and serve single people in our churches. As you can see from the title, I have linked to the full article which is available online. The most insightful quote that I found from this article is:

Paul was not married, but neither was he lonely. I think he would see this epidemic of loneliness as a major moral failure of the church to be the church, and, perhaps, more particularly, a moral failure of families to treat those not in their family as family. The church is a family, and we are to treat those in the church as family—not by lowering the standard with which we treat our family, but by raising the standard with which we treat others.

He goes on to give suggestions about how our families could operate better to include single people, and how are churches could also do a better job within their own structure and design.

He also encourages singles to take advantage of the freedoms of being single, but also to be careful about it - to ensure they are embedded in a community.


Gordon Cheng also reviews Walking with Gay Friends, by Alex Tylee. He says:

Tylee's book is short and readable. It is particularly useful for readers who are Christians or readers who are open to hearing that there is hope of rescue from homosexual sin. The style is friendly and familiar, and manages to avoid the twin evils of being preachy and patronizing. There is a reading list at the end, which includes Christopher Keane's What Some of You Were. I recommend both books as readable, biblically challenging and pastorally compassionate treatments of homosexuality.

A book I now will try to read.

And finally, Simon Roberts in Avoiding the traps of an online world, takes on the issues of sexual immorality online and how to manage them wisely. He gives some very helpful practical tips on how to use computer software to protect you and your family and to help keep ourselves accountable. Some of these are filter software and others are programs that report on your internet usage to another person.

As part of this, he makes two very helpful points:
1. "We should not expect to find a technological solution to a theological problem" . We must actually try to become more Christlike in everything.
2. However, like in any area of sin, help is available and we should use whatever help we can that works for us.

***

This is one issue that is certainly worth having.


My understanding of the eBriefing copyright requirements is that I can send anyone a copy of it, as long as it is not more than 2 issues per year. So, if you would like a copy - let me know via a comment, and I will email it to you.

Book Review: Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Carolyn McCulley

I have just finished reading this book, following along with the Equip Book Club website.

Ali's comments on that website are much more thorough and thought- out that my few comments will be here. However, I still thought I would post a few thoughts.

Generally, I enjoyed this book and thought it has some helpful points to make, both from Scripture and from personal testimony. Because it is written by a woman, it added a different perspective on singleness that a book like The Single Issue (by Al Hsu, see review here).

It is always hard for me to really know whether a book on singleness is helpful for a single person, as I have been married for almost 10 years. Having said that, she offers a helpful perspective and biblical counsel on a number of areas of life, which really could be relevant for all, men or women, single or married.

Some of the points she made which I learnt from or was challenged by were:

1. Her comment, quoting C.J. Mahaney that "Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God- and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ." [He goes on to say that "So why doubt that God will provide a much, much lesser need" - a less helpful point in some ways, God may not provide a spouse]. His original point stands thought - our greatest need in this world is salvation, and we have that.

2. The question one should ask is "What is God doing with and through my singleness?" (rather than "Why am I still single?")

3. Speaking of contentment, she says that the difference between a holy complaint and a discontented complaint - in one we complain to God, in the other we complain of God. It is a good reminder that in all things in life we should first turn to God, trusting him and his plans for us.

4. Her openness in stating that she wished that the plight of those that reject God would move her as much as her own desires - how often does she grieve over her singleness but not over those who will never know God and his salvation? This is a reminder to all of us to look above our personal situations to see also what grieves God.

5. In the chapter on children, she looks at other ways to be involved with children, including an 'au pair' - living with a family almost as an adopted aunt. The idea has great positive benefit, but is unlikely to work for many families. She speaks of the joy of being an aunt, and I think there are many benefits to being involved with a family (without living with them), that women can have.

• As a mother myself, and knowing a number of single women, I think perhaps it would be helpful to encourage single women to be involved in the lives of children, if they want to be. I don't want to force my kids on anyone, but I know there are women out there who may want to have time with children and form a special relationship with them. I wonder perhaps, if it is up to that person to approach the family and ask to be involved? I do not want to assume a desire to spend time with my family, but would be delighted if someone took that initiative. What do others think, is that too much to ask - would it be too daunting to ask to be closely involved in the life of a family?

There were some parts of the book that caused me think a little more:

1. I did find some discontinuity throughout the book. It seemed that half the time she was encouraging women to see how to serve God and others through their singleness, and to find contentment in their status; and the other half, she was challenging them to consider how their decisions may affect future husbands or how to prepare to become a better (potential) wife. I wonder if this may bother some single readers? For example:

• On p63 she suggests that one should pray to be a good wife. I understand that we all should be praying to be more godly women, but is it possible that for someone who is single and struggling with it, even the act of regularly praying to 'be a good wife' may add to feelings of resentment?
• p118 - she advised a woman not to get into a lot of debt in furthering her education because of the implications that debt may have on a future marriage. She did temper this later in the chapter suggesting that it may be appropriate to invest wisely in your education, for if one remains single one will continue to need to work, or perhaps to invest in buying a home. I wonder if the concern at that stage is not whether the investment would impact a potential future marriage, but rather will the woman be able to repay the debt without it impacting of her ability to serve God generously, both in time and money

2. I wasn't sure whether the chapter on hospitality had the most helpful focus. She was encouraging women to learn to cook and have proper dinner parties. But is that really hospitality or just entertaining? I found myself (probably harshly I admit) thinking that having dinner parties is a luxury that single people (and those married without kids) are able to have. We have dinners in our home regularly, but they almost all consist of the use of a slow-cooker that has been on all day, entirely because it is impossible to prepare a "dinner party quality meal" with 3 children under foot all needing to be fed and put into bed between 5 and 7pm. I would love to have the time to experiment with recipes and prepare new meals, but it is just not possible.

• She also encourages single women in this chapter to invite families into their homes. I think this is great, although sometimes I feel hesitant (on the very few times we have actually received such an invitation). Houses without children are understandably not set up for them, and the stress of ensuring my kids don't pull over the wine rack, CD/DVD rack, glassware etc is very large. One potential solution which other wise friends have come up with is to 'have us for dinner' but in our own home. They come to us and prepare and serve the meal, but we can still be in our home where our children are entertained and can go to sleep in their own beds (without the need for a babysitter either!)

3. I also found some comments in the chapter on "the blessing of children" interesting. She starts by talking about the barren women in the bible and how God intervened to bless them with children in older years. This is certainly not a promise I would be giving to older single women. Those miraculous interventions of God were all part of God fulfilling his plan of salvation in keeping the genealogy of Christ intact. While I do not doubt God's ability to act to allow women who are barren the miracle of childbearing, it seems unhelpful to encourage women with this.

4. My other concern, and a minor one at that, is the title of the book. Is that really a title a single woman would want on her bookshelf? And is it likely to prevent someone from reading it? Too late really to pose that thought, but I did wonder! I actually came across Carolyn's blog, in which she notes in passing that had she realised the impact of the title, she may never have used it!

At the end of each chapter, McCulley includes a resource list, which I thought was very helpful. I intend to sort through them all again and note the ones I would like to read.

All in all, a book with a lot of helpful things in it.

Book Review: The Single Issue

Book Review: The Single Issue, Al Hsu

I read this on the recommendation of 2 single friends, who both think it is one of the better ones around on singleness. I would agree, I thought it was very good.

Some of the highlights were:

• an easy to read chapter on the history of singleness, covering OT and NT times, as well as the early church and Reformation. This was helpful in pointing out the changes in views over time, often swinging to extremes on the views on the relative importance of singleness vs. marriage.
  
• I liked the chapter on 'the myth of the gift', outlining some of the unhelpful ways the 'gift of singleness' has been explained in the past. He rejects the 'gift of singleness' as being a spiritual gift, but rather the reality of a current state. If you are single, your singleness is currently a gift, if you are married, that is your gift. There is an interesting discussion about this at God's'Will
  
• two chapters titled 'From loneliness to solitude' and 'From aloneness to community', thinking about the place solitude and community can have for all of us (single or married).
• the final chapter 'Temptations singles face'. This was a helpful reminder to me of some of the challenges faced by my single friends - to put life on hold, to be over-committed, to be unaccountable, to live a life of regret, etc. This helped me to think about how I can be more or less helpful with some of these issues.

It caused me to think about:

• How the Christian community at this present time is unhelpfully focussed on marriage and family as the 'ultimate' way of life. This is a situation that needs to be addressed probably in a number of areas: in attitude of churchgoers and ministers, illustrations from the pulpit and the ability of churches to welcome singles with open arms and with appropriate areas for to be involved in ministries and groups.
• It is a shame our lives are so categorized by 'single' vs 'married'. I know it's an obvious thing to find out about someone upon meeting them, but it is not one's defining feature. I fall into this trap myself, as when asked about who am I or what I do, it is generally defined by my life's status - "I am married with 3 children". Perhaps we need to reconsider the need for such labels, or at least acknowledge the need for some sensitivity with them?
• The reminder that Hsu gives that "Everyone is single at least once and often single again. Only the duration and the quality of singleness differ." I don't know whether that is a comforting statement for one who is single person (and would prefer not to be), but for me it is a reminder that marriage is a transient state which only exists for this life on earth, and for many, not for all of this life.
• The 'Freedom and opportunity' chapter caused me to think about how my life could have been different had I not married. I married at 23 and was hardly thought out in my decision to marry, it just seemed like the right thing for us to do (and I think it was!). However, I wonder if being single for longer would have caused me to enter marriage more cautiously, at least aware of the opportunities to serve God and freedoms in doing so I was potentially giving up. I read another book this year, Loves Me, Loves Me Not (Laura Smit), which addressed a number of similar issues, but based about the framework of a theology of unrequited love. This was another helpful book (although not as easy to read as Hsu's).

The main point that both books make is that no matter what situation we are in at the moment, we should be serving God and growing in godliness.

I have noticed that the Equip Book Club is looking at "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" this month, so I may read that one soon too.