Wild Things

Wild Things: the art of nurturing boys, Stephen James and David Thomas

I love it when friends recommend books, I get my hands on something I know others have already liked and find out about books I might not have otherwise found.   This book on nurturing boys is exactly that – a little treasure waiting to be discovered.

I seem to return to these types of books every few years, and of course, they are relevant in completely different ways each time.  I will admit there is now a fair amount of joy on my part in skipping over the first 2-3 developmental stages of children in a book (or only skim reading them), knowing we have already passed them by!

Divided into three parts, James & Thomas explore the Way of a Boy, the Mind of a Boy and the Heart of a Boy.

In Part 1: The Way of a Boy they outline their 5 stages of a boy: explorer (age 2-4), lover (5-8), individual (9-12), wanderer (13-17) and warrior (18-22).  All of these made sense, although I could never remember the terms throughout the book and had to keep having to check back to see which stage they were talking about.   I do sometimes wish people would use boring but self explanatory terms (eg, pre-schooler, primary schooler, etc!).  Each chapter deals with the main issues are in that stage, what a boy needs at that stage, and some practical ideas.  So for the teenage years, the key questions they are asking are: Am I loved? and Can I get my own way?  The defining features of this stage are physiological chaos, arrogance, individuation and argumentativeness.  What they need is support through other voices (not just parents), outlets for energy, understanding and boundaries.   Helpful and practical.

Part 2 has 5 chapters dealing with boys’ brains: how they work and their potential strengths and weaknesses, different learning styles and boys within the education system.  This was a helpful section, although I did find myself thinking that not all boys would fit into the scenarios mentioned here and some people might take issue with the gender stereotypes portrayed.  Although realistically most parents of boys and girls are rarely surprised that such stereotypes exist – they see them lived out on a daily basis.

I thought Part 3 was the strongest: the Heart of a Boy.  Idea on how to know your son, draw him out, how to engage with his dreams, help him with his ambivalence and help him to answer the big questions he will ask:  Do I matter?  Do I have what it takes?  Can I really be a man?  There were very good chapters on the role of a mother and a father, and how each have crucial parts to play, which were followed with the importance of marking key moments and rites of passage, something we recently did in our family. 

All in all, a very helpful book for those who parent sons or care for boys.   I was encouraged, given good ideas and things to work on.  That makes a parenting book a winner in my opinion!

Sons & Dads - primary school graduation

We kick off the year with a post written by Husband about a great event he and some other dads ran for their sons at the end of last year:

With Mr 12 reaching the end of primary school (Year 7 in SA), we wanted to celebrate his graduation and passing through this significant rite of passage. Although the school has its usual ceremonies, we were especially keen to mark this important occasion from a Christian perspective. I was particularly challenged by a fantastic book Raising A Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis to make the most of the special opportunities to help boys become men of faith.

Mr 12 has been very fortunate in that he has 6 close Christian friends with whom he has grown up, crossing paths at Christian camps and socially.  And so in August 2015 I asked the Dads if they would be interested in joining us to make a wonderful celebration for our sons.

After we met together to dream and scheme, we came up with the following program for the first Friday after school finished - designed to be both fun and profound:

1. In late November each boy received a formal invitation by mail.

2. The afternoon began with some fun activities - our initial plan was to play some "Dads vs Sons" sport at the local school (basketball, cricket) - but when a notorious Adelaide heatwave set in we decided that 40 degree heat would not be wise for the health of middle-aged men! So we went bowling and had a great time (for the record the Dads DID win!)

3. We then came back to our place for a swim and a BBQ, and general relaxing (Wendy and Miss 10 & 8 graciously absented themselves for this "men only" event!). After dinner, we had the more "formal" part of the evening, in 3 stages:

i. Each father had brought a baby photo of himself and of his son, and we tried to guess which family was pictured! (in our case, we were the only Asian family, so that made it a bit easier ...)

ii. Each father then spoke for a few minutes on the topic of "why I'm thankful to God for my son", by means of publicly praising and encouraging our own sons in front of their peers.

iii. Each father then spoke for a few minutes to the boys, giving them a piece of advice about the next stage of life connected with a bible passage, and a memento/token to help them remember the advice. They were also given a box to keep all their goodies ... 

4. Finally there was more swimming, relaxing and of course, dessert!

Overall it was a wonderful occasion - it was so encouraging to hear all the dads speak of their thankfulness to God, and to offer similar encouragements (in different words) to our boys about how to stand firm for Jesus. By the time the night had finished our sons were already planning an event for next year ...

Thanks especially to our wives for supporting us!

PS: Mr 12 says: "I thought it was a really great time. It was a great opportunity to learn a lot, and to be encouraged in our faith in Jesus as we go onto high school. I especially liked the goodies we got to keep, which were all really well chosen. Thanks to the dads for organising this! And my Dad has had no influence over what I've just said!"

Ten conversations you must have with your son

Ten conversations you must have with your son, Dr Tim Hawkes

This is a sensible and helpful book with lots of good ideas. Hawkes is a father, and has also been an educator of boys for 35 years as a teacher and headmaster. You quickly realise he has had a lot of exposure to young men over the years and the things we should be teaching them, in schools and in society, but most of all in the home.

He starts with outlining why we want to engage in conversation with our sons, somewhat obvious, but no doubt it needs to be pointed it. Then what we should be talking about and how we could go about doing so.

Each following chapter outlines the 10 major topic areas we should be planning to address with our sons over the course of their adolescence. Most are aimed at the teenage level, but can be adapted to suit younger boys and indeed young men who still need to learn. They are:

1. You are loved – and the ways we can demonstrate love to them.
2. Identity – how we help them to discover who they really are.
3. Values – part of realising who you are is determining what it is you stand for.
4. Leadership (or taking responsibility). All of us have power, what matters is how we choose to use it.
5. Living together – this includes living with compassion and kindness in the home and also in society at large.
6. Achievement - helping to think through how we value achievement, but also helping them to think about what they want to achieve in life, careers, etc.
7. Sex – how to think about sex, love, wise choices, consequences and values in this area.
8. Money – practical money management from the beginnings of savings, investing and giving right through to teaching about credit, debt, home loans, etc.
9. Health – how to instill good habits and knowledge about caring for your body and brain: sleep, healthy food, no drugs, wise alcohol use, etc.
10. Coping – helping to develop resilience and persistence, especially through occasions of failure, divorce or death.

Most of what he has to say is very helpful and there are many practical suggestions along the way for how to talk about it, and specifics you might want to address. Much of it is common sense, but still helpful to enunciate. There were things that might not be crucial knowledge by the age of 18, but useful to know later in life – such as older men’s health issues, detailed financial matters and how things work when someone dies (wills, executors, etc).

Many will read it and realise they are talking about some of these issues already, some may think “oh, we need to address that now!” or perhaps “we can leave that one for a little longer”. I have found this book (and others like it) have helped me to think about the vast range of things we want to teach our children and to break it down into manageable chunks. In fact we are that process at the moment - developing a list of the things we want to teach our children by the time they are 18.

I felt there were a few minor things that detracted from it. It was longer than it needed to be, he often mentions that we should teach our kids using the stories of others, and then includes some details of such stories.  It was not enough detail to share it with your son properly, but enough to make the sections seem a little long.  Many of them were also military stories, which will only appeal to some parents and children. 

It is written from an atheist or multi-faith perspective, and it will appeal to a wider audience as a result. For those of who clearly follow the Christian faith, it means you will have to adjust it to suit what you are teaching in the home. Of course we do that with everything, so that is not a major challenge.

The only other thing that struck me as I read it was that these are the same 10 conversations I will also be having with my daughters, perhaps with the application varied a little along the way. There is, however, value in thinking about these issues specifically for a son and what we want him to know and learn to become a man, in the true and honourable sense of the word.

He'll be OK

He'll be OK: Growing Gorgeous Boys into Good Men, Celia Lashie

I got this recommendation from Jenny’s blog a few years ago and stored it away for me to read at a later date.  I’m so glad I did.  Our son has just turned 10 and while this book focuses on boys in the high school years of 7-12, it gave me some great ideas and things to think about as we approach that stage.

Celia Lashie is a social commentator who has worked for years in the New Zealand prison system. She then undertook this project (the Good Man Project) in single-sex boys’ schools across New Zealand. Her desire was to define what a good man is and then how we help boys to grow into them, both in educational settings and in the home.

It’s a very easy read, detailing the way she went about the project and what she found, including lots of examples of conversations she had with boys, fathers, mothers, male teachers and principals along the way.

Some of the ideas I found helpful were:

• Boys are crossing a bridge of adolescence in the high-school years. What they need most of all is for a man (primarily their father) to walk with them over that bridge, to show them how to get there and to be alongside them. Concurrently, she claims mothers need to get off that bridge. They need to be present, of course, but they are not the ones to primarily walk that road alongside their sons (of course, she addresses what this will look for single-mothers and those mothers who will refuse to get off the bridge anyway).
• Her advice to mothers for this stage was: chill out. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Decide what really matters and deal with those things. Don’t expect your sons to include you in their lives at this stage in the way your daughters might. Your sons know you are there no matter what and they know they can come to you, so give them space to do so.
• I cannot imagine these are easy words for some mothers to hear and not even being at that stage yet, I imagine parts of it I would find hard. But a lot of what she said made sense.
• Her advice to fathers was to stay involved and to be the active ones in the relationship at this point. Keep interested in what interests your sons and keep being a model of a good man. Of course, other men can fill this role too if needed.
• She went through the different stages of Yr 7-12 and how we can keep involved with our sons, providing the boundaries they need at points and the increased freedoms they need at others, while being committed to get them through adolescence safely and into manhood.
• Her experience in the prison system taught her that most young men end up in prison because of stupidity rather than intentionally evil or bad behaviour. (eg. “I wonder what happens if I try run the red light?” “Can I outrun the cops?” etc). Therefore providing strong boundaries and clear messages regarding good decisions can help with this.

What I found most interesting were her comments regarding mothers in regards to both their husbands and their sons. She found overwhelmingly that most women are unwilling to allow their husbands to have an active parenting role, instead correcting and challenging his decisions. Their husbands intuitively knew this and so rarely spoke up.  At the same time, many treated their sons as exceptions for whom school rules need not apply and so did not back up teachers and principals, when they were trying to enforce standards for student behaviour.

It did lead me to ponder that in the Christian families I know, where men take an active role in parenting, this seems to be less the case. Perhaps when we respect God’s model of male leadership in families, we run into less trouble in these areas?

A good book that is worth a read if you have sons approaching or currently in the high school years.

Bringing up Boys

Bringing up Boys, Dr James Dobson

I read this a few years ago, realising it had a lot in it, but also that most of it wasn't yet applicable for my little tiny boy. Decisions about schooling, how boys relate, older boys, etc - it all seemed to far away to have to think about.

Now, however, my son is 8, and it all seems a lot more relevant. I enjoyed going back and re-reading it. Just like Bringing up Girls, which I reviewed last year, it contains lots of stories and anecdotes, which makes it very easy and interesting reading.

The main thrust of the book seems to be addressing all the issues that affect boys, so there is a lot of information and statistics to support his views. Dobson presents many issues that affect boys: the breakdown of family, absent fathers, the impact of feminism, women in the workplace, the gay lobby, post-modernism and educational decisions. There is a lot to digest and a lot of background provided so that you can understand the issues. I found this helpful on many levels, not just those related to having sons.

However, I do imagine you could end up feeling very guilty if you are a single mother, if you work as a mother, if you work long hours as a father, if you put your children into daycare, etc. He is sympathetic to the challenges many parents face, but he is also not hesitant in backing his views of things that can harm boys.

Obviously, being written by an American, it has a very strong emphasis on developments in the US, particularly with respect to educational policy and the gay lobby. I found myself wondering how strong the parallels really were between our two countries, but without a doubt it has overlap to the Australian context, perhaps just not as extreme. I did find myself thankful that we don't live in the US and have to deal with some of the issues there. When I first read this book, I grasped the argument for home-schooling and appreciated it as an option for the first time, whereas previously I never had.

Just like Bringing up Girls, I think the most helpful parts are those encouragements and instructions to mothers and fathers - to continue to love each other, serve their families, raise their children with integrity, kindness and love; to be involved in the lives of their kids and seek to pass on their faith.

A challenge to us all, but a worthwhile one.