True Friendship

True Friendship, Vaughan Roberts (10 Publishing, 2013)

You may have noticed I’ve read a few books about friendship recently, and I think this one is probably the best. It’s straight to the point, clear and direct with solid suggestions and implications, all while being Christ-focussed and God honouring.

Roberts says that true friendship is crucial - we all need it - and it is close. If you are married, your spouse should be your best friend. But all of us should have truly close friends. It is also constant - we should challenge ourselves by asking “what kind of friend am I?”, rather than “who will be my friend?” or “where are my friends?” Are we the person they would turn to in a time of need? Close friendships require four things: for us to be selective, open, interested, and committed. It takes time and energy to grow and maintain friendships.

True friendship is also candid. Not only are we to be honest with others, but we are to allow others to be honest with us - including inviting challenge and rebuke. I appreciated his warning to those who are in Christian leadership - ensure you have some people around you who are willing to speak honestly to you about your faults and failings. It takes grace to respond to criticism, and Roberts suggests: expect it, examine it, and then endure it. Counter to this, true friendship is also careful. We are gentle and speak with love to each other as we walk together. I appreciated the included wisdom from Gordon MacDonald that while I want friendships where I can be myself, I also want to be encouraged to be better than myself, growing in Christ-likeness. Finally, true friendship is Christ-centred. In the end, our desires for friendships will never be met fully on earth. But they are met in Christ.

At under 90 pages, it’s quick to read and I got a lot out of it. There is much wisdom expressed very succinctly. Taking more time over it, talking through it with someone, or exploring the discussion questions at the end of each chapter would provide even more benefit.

No Greater Love

No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship, Rebecca McLaughlin (Moody, 2023)

What is a friend? Is it someone who gets you, that you can hang out with easily, and who shares the same interests? That is a good friend. However, in No Greater Love, Rebecca McLaughlin suggests that Christian friendship is so much more. It is anchored in Christ, is missional, and can be extended to many. At the same time, close friendships will refresh, restore and challenge us, so that we can continue to serve Jesus more broadly in his world.

Basing the biblical study in the New Testament, McLaughlin focuses both on Jesus’ expressions of friendship and how it is shown in the early Christian community through the epistles. We act in love towards everyone, but we also share deeper relationships and more time with some. We can see this in Jesus’ life. He spoke of loving your neighbour and loving your enemy, and he both taught and modelled what that could look like. He also gathered friends around him (his disciples and other followers) with whom he shared life and ministry. He said that true friends would lay down their lives for each other, showing that true friendship in Jesus is sacrificial (John 15:13). Even within that group, it could be argued that Peter, James and John were his closest friends. Of course, his friends failed and deserted him, but Jesus’ forgiveness and understanding of their weaknesses acts as a model to us.

When we read the New Testament letters, it is clear that the authors had beloved partners in the gospel and dear friends (e.g., Rom 16:1-16, Philemon 1, 3 John 1). McLaughlin suggests that our closest friendships should not be about shared desire for time and fun together, but rather be gospel-spreading partnerships, where we spur one another on, have each other’s backs and care for each other in our pain. Many have experienced deep friendships with others because of shared mission or ministry service together.

I appreciated the reminder here that therefore, “we must be willing to express our deep attachment to beloved friends while also being willing to support them in the work God puts before them - even if it takes them away from us” (p. 61) This puts into words the deep sadness when ministry-minded friends leave, yet concurrent joy about their new path.

McLaughlin challenges the concept of the inner circle of friendships, ones that exclude others, in two ways. The first is that as Christians we turn towards those who are left out. We use the energy we gain from the close friendships that refresh us, to enable us to continue to welcome the lonely and unloved. The second is to consider relationships that care for others and their needs as chain mail (armour), rather than concentric circles. In this analogy, everyone is connected to numerous other people, and all are connected through each other. I found this idea incredibly freeing, for in a Christian community, I do not have to (nor can I ) meet the needs of all around me, but together we can make sure that everyone is included.

True friendship is that which encourages us, pushes us, and corrects us: 

“Friends need to know us well enough to be gentle in the places where we need gentleness and to challenge us in the places where we need correction.” (93)

“Delightfully in God's great kindness Christian friendship isn't just a diagnostic tool – it's also therapeutic. I don't just need my friends to tell me when I need to walk away from sin. I also need their arms around me when I've made that turn.” (96)

Some diagnostic questions throughout were very helpful. Do I encourage and exhort my friends: in their walk with God, in their marriage or singleness, as parents, in their workplaces, and their evangelism? Do we spur each other on, or pull each other back?

McLaughlin then explores how the differences between marriage and friendship make them vital to the health of both. There is a great chapter on male and female friendships, which addresses the challenges and opportunities they present, as well as single-sex friendships for those who are same-sex attracted. There was wise counsel here, with an awareness of individual preferences and personalities and ways to approach all friendships with sensible boundaries. In the end, whoever we are, we seek to love others with a sibling bond, caring for them and honouring them: “It’s vital as believers that we know ourselves and one another well enough to know what true love looks like in a friendship – whether with a man or with a woman” (130). 

When considering friendship with non-Christians, McLaughlin encourages hospitality, and attentive listening in areas that we disagree, for “they may be just as well-thought-out and driven by desire for good as we are” (133). While we will not worship their god/gods or expect them to live by Christian ethics, we can put aside our cultural differences, try to understand, and show love. Ultimately, we also long for them to love Jesus.

I only had a few minor quibbles. For me, there were too many Lord of the Rings references, and perhaps a few too many illustrations that weren’t essential to the point. This is very minor though. Overall, McLaughlin has very helpfully laid out a framework of Christian friendship that allows us to assess our current friendships, as well as to strive for friendships that are gospel-focused as they seek to love, encourage, and challenge one another.

Transformative Friendships

Transformative Friendships, Brad Hambrick (New Growth Press, 2024) 

Have you ever wished that your friendships were deeper? That you were able to share more honestly with each other, both the joys and the challenges that you each face?

Our inbuilt human desire for connection with others means that many of us do probably desire closer, more trusting and open friendships. But, we may not know how to move a friendship in this direction. We may have discovered that praying with a friend can strengthen a relationship, as we share more openly about the matters on our hearts and bring them to the Lord together. But, even a friendship that includes prayer may not always consider areas of sin, struggle, ruts, or future goals.

In Transformative Friendships, Brad Hambrick provides a simple yet effective guide to deeper friendships - through the use of seven questions: 

1. What’s your story? 
2. What’s good? 
3. What’s hard? 
4. What’s bad? 
   
5. What’s fun? 
6. What’s stuck? 
7. What’s next? 

Each is broken down further into five depths of growth, starting with more surface knowledge to very deep and honest sharing. For example: in ‘What’s bad?’ (i.e., what’s sins are you struggling with, Depth 1 is our about respectable sins, Depth 3 is about your go-to escapes, and Depth 5 is about the sins most likely to shipwreck your life). 

He emphasises that this is designed for mutual friendships, where both are committed to deepening the relationship. This is marked by proportional voluntary knowledge of each other and shared investment in the relationship. “Growing deeper in a friendship must be mutually desired and mutually engaged. It cannot be compelled.” (148) As such, this is not intended to be a resource for counselling or mentoring relationships, for they are purposefully one-sided in disclosure. He also cautions - not every friendship will move to the deepest level. It’s appropriate to have numerous friends, all at different levels. Ideally, though, there will be some where both share deeply.

The breadth of questions and the various depths to which they are explored is quite extensive. Pretty much all aspects of our lives are covered. Some quotes that struck me along the way: 

“As you read your Bible, ask yourself, “Am I as honest with my friends about my life as these people were about theirs?” (21)

“Write a list of your primary roles: student, employee, boss, son, daughter, sibling, spouse, parent, teacher, friend, etc. Chances are, at least 80 percent of God’s will for your life is simply fulfilling these roles with excellence.” (37)

“There are mild life challenges and severe life challenges. But while one is heavier, neither is light….To appreciate this, we must remember that suffering is not a competitive sport.” (53)

“Identify your top three idols and you’ve probably found the root of 90 percent of your sin.” (73)

It is aimed at Christians, and assumes knowledge and understanding of the gospel. There is no overarching theological framework of friendship and how it could look. It assumes you are a Christian who wants to deepen your friendships with other Christians and dives right in at that point. This keeps the book short (150 pages) and easy to read, with each mini chapter being only about 3 pages. Of course, enacting it will take much longer with considerably more effort!

While Hambrick is keen to focus this resource toward the development of friendships, I can see other applications for the content. Increasing depth in sharing does apply in other settings. I think it could be used wisely by counsellors and mentors, to scaffold the process of more deep work (preventing perhaps diving too deep too soon). Hambrick does not talk about marriage in friendship, but I can imagine this being of great value to married couples, as they grow their friendship and are intentionally more vulnerable with each other. Finally, the questions and topics raised would bring helpful self-awareness even in personal private reflection and before God.

Hambrick’s goal however is to produce friendships “that enrich our lives a little more each day”. With some friendships, you might start by sharing a little bit more and allowing space for them to do the same. With others, you might choose to read this book together and intentionally plan to utilise it. However you use it, this book will give lots of prompts and encouragements to invest in good, supportive, honest friendships.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.