Loving your adult children

Loving your adult children, Gaye B. Clark (Crossway, 2024)

Last year I read two books about parenting adult children, both of which prompted my thinking about this life stage.

This one, by Gaye Clark, was the most challenging and my favourite. She’s pitching it for those with slightly older adult children, that is those over 21, living outside the home, and financially independent. While the other books focused more on how to parent at this stage, she offers “an invitation to renew your love for Christ and shows how that love can inform your parenting” (p3).

She starts through the lens of the key components of the gospel - faith, repentance, grace, hope and church. Each is addressed in own chapter, and points the parent to consider their own relationship with God, with the goal of ongoing refining ourselves. As parents, we are to put Christ first and not let our children be idols. To truly repent of our sins, especially as they have impacted our children.

The chapter on grace was explored through the parable of the prodigal son, and asks “Are you willing to endure humiliation for the well-being of an adult child, even an unrighteous one?” The challenge extends further: our child may treat us like an ATM, but do we treat God the same way? I have often been challenged by the proposition that perhaps our children are here to change us more than we are here to change them: “Remembering the cost of your salvation may not transform your adult son or daughter, but it can change you” (p41). I really liked the honesty of this chapter and the call on parents to be the ones to extend grace, time and time again.

Clark is honest about the pain and grief of unreconciled relationships some have with the children, and at the same time encourages parents to analyse their own role in that: our pain can blind us to our children and our children can feel judged by us. She challenges parents to consider their own commitment to Christ and his church, “If we have not taken the church seriously or been fully committed to it, we can repent and change course. We can talk openly about those changes which may speak volumes to our adult children.” (p69)

The second half of the book considers the role of the fruit of the Spirit in enhancing our relationship with Christ and our children. I found these chapters so helpful - both instructive and challenging. Patience “is a key ingredient in healthy relationships, especially with our children” (84). So we need to be wary of “grumbling which is a form of impatience, will involve the judgment of God. It feeds resentment, bitterness, and anger.” (86). Practical advice included:

Remember, others need to have patience with us

• Be careful not to think too highly of yourself 
• Get a grip on your anger 
• Guard your speech, and 
• Watch out for growing bitterness

Our goodness and kindness speak volumes, even when not reciprocated. Gentleness may mean choosing not to speak or at other times, choosing to speak. Self-control can be a challenge: “When you see your adult children engaged in sinful patterns, it may be time to consider whether they are simply modelling your behaviour.” (p113-4). Faithfulness, joy, peace and love - all challenging but how we are called to live, and we grow in Christlikeness.

I found this to be a biblically faithful exploration of what it means to parent adult children with love, grace, and gentleness. Clark was serious and honest about the challenges and how they can impact our relationship with God and our own godliness. Her encouragement was to consider your relationship with God and your own attitude and behaviour, and let that frame the person you are and the parent you are. She doesn’t dismiss the pain some parents face in these years, but also invites reflection on the part that parents might play in restoring and improving relationships with their children. Recommended reading.

You and your adult child

You and Your Adult Child, Laurence Steinberg (Simon and Schuster, 2023)

 

This is the second book about parenting adult children. Steinberg writes from a secular, psychological perspective and brings current research and observations about culture to his analysis. It pairs well with Doing Life with Your Adult Children and covers similar ground.

He starts with some overarching principles and the culture our children are in, then moves to specific topics such as education, finances, mental health, romance and marriage, and grandchildren.

One of his main points is how much young people have changed, as has their worldview, opportunities and challenges. The transition to adulthood is later and longer today. People take more time to finish tertiary education and training, change jobs more frequently, get married later (or not at all), and have high cost of living burdens. Steinberg therefore suggests that comparing your child’s life stage to yours at a similar age (“at your age I already had a job, was married, and had kids on the way”) is neither applicable nor helpful.

Like Burns, Steinberg also strongly encourages holding your tongue with advice. Yes, there are times you may decide it is important enough to speak up (e.g., something with harmful long-term consequences, or an area where you have special expertise), but generally, wait to offer your wisdom until asked for it.

Some things that stood out to me:

1. Remembering that our kids may not talk to us because they just don’t prioritise telling us. 

“[One] reason for your child’s reticence is hard for parents to accept: by and large, our kids don’t think about us nearly as much as we think about them… It’s hard for parents to discover just how low they rank on their child’s priority list, at least with respect to sharing news about their life.” (15)

2. The advice to move to collaborative decision-making as a family. Everyone offers suggestions and solutions, and a joint compromise and understanding are reached. This would likely be a significant change for many families where parents have decreed the final decision.

3. Discuss your personal finances with your children. He suggests the 40/70 rule - by the time they are 40 and you are 70. Parents should talk about whether they’ll have enough to retire comfortably, whether they are likely to need assistance from their children, and whether their children will inherit anything. This is wise advice, since so many families never talk about these things in detail. I’d suggest actually talking about some of these things even earlier than that, as appropriate.

4. The acknowledgement that developing a relationship with your child’s partner takes time and energy, and generally progresses through three stages:

• Honeymoon - where everyone is on their best behaviour. 
• Appraisal - figuring out how it will work, trying hard, but also with heightened sensitivity to each other and any slights. 
• Equilibrium - moving to a pattern that works for both parties, which could be quite close or more cordial, but hopefully workable. 

5. As a grandparent, if you are considering offering advice to your children about their parenting, “think more about how your opinion will affect the new parent’s psychological well-being than about how it will improve your grandchild’s development”. (209)

He finishes with a way to assess if your children are flourishing or floundering, with the acronym EPOCH. Consider if they are: engaged (with the world, persevering (in what they are doing, or constantly switching), optimistic, connected (to others) and happy. It’s certainly not a definitive assessment, but may give parents guidance as to whether their children are just slower along the path, or are really struggling to locate any path at all. 

It’s worth noting that the book is very American-centred, with research and mindsets anchored there. Managing children coming home from college breaks is less the way of life in Australia, where most urban kids live at home during university. (Although the principles still can be easily applied - perhaps even more so, when your adult uni children live with you all the time!). Even more narrow is the assumed financial perspective of parents. This is written for a middle to upper-class readership, expecting that all children will go to university and that parents will have the means to financially support them, possibly including assisting them to buy a home.

Another helpful book that prompts thinking for those parenting young adults.

Doing Life with Your Adult Children

Doing Life with Your Adult Children, Jim Burns (Zondervan, 2019) 

After decades of reading parenting books for babies, toddlers and teens - I have arrived at the final stage - parenting adult children. This stage is longer than all the others and often has larger issues at stake, yet there aren’t many resources about it. I’m going to tell you about some in the coming months.

Jim Burns’ offering is summarised in the subtitle “keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out”. He wants to help parents by giving “perspective, insight, and practical guidance you need to move your relationship in a positive direction” (p16). He challenges parents to acknowledge that at this stage many lose the part of parenting they like - the control - but it’s time to relinquish them to God and let go.

Some of the big ideas that overarch the book are included in chapter 1: 

• Be encouraging but not intrusive. That means hold your tongue, encourage what you can, and develop the right to be heard. 
• Be caring but enable independence 
• Invest in your own emotional, physical, and spiritual health 
• Have fun with your kids 

He has structured the book around 9 core principles, which address a few main themes: 

• Recognise our children are adults and treat them that way - with respect (for no adult wants to be told what to do), with grace, with the view to being an available mentor when sought, and trusting that they need to learn from experience. 
• Awareness of the culture our children have grown up in: one that delays maturing to adulthood, is shaped by technology, seeks life/work balance and adventure, and is morally aimless. 
• Entitlement and failure to launch. A parent’s role is to proactively move adult children towards independence, which may require tough decisions and boundaries about living at home and financial provision. Some families may need to develop specific timetabled action plans for this. 
• Supporting children through regrettable choices. Adult need to bear the consequences of their actions, so parents love them but do not bail them out. Find support for yourself through tough times, so that you don’t dump your frustration on them. 
• As families change, work hard to develop strong in-law and stepfamily relationships, and use the amazing opportunities of grandparenting seriously. 

A few things stood out:

1. Unsolicited advice is often taken as criticism. 
2. The great, honest comment from a pastor about his son: “most of the time, he didn’t want my advice. I’m a pastor, and frankly, I give good advice”! 
3. When in doubt, remain silent. Ask yourself, “Will what I am about to do or say improve the relationship?” 
4. Allow them to control the amount of time they spend with you 

“For many parents, it’s this final stage of trying to balance care and concern with respect for privacy and individuation that truly is the most difficult stage of all.” (p98)

A very helpful and practical guide to think about the longest stage of parenting you will ever do.