Going the Distance - Chapter 17

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 17 - Summing Up

We have reached the end of Going the Distance! I hope that you have been encouraged, as I have, to be excited about the work of the gospel that we are involved in, but also how to sustain it for the long-haul.

The gospel message is a great treasure and we have chosen to share it with others - it is a joy and a privilege. However, being wise and remembering God's grace will enable us to continue to run the race that Christ has given us.

Self-care is not an excuse for laziness in ministry. Rather, it is a way of making sure that we "live for Christ" for as long as he has work for us to do. There is no virtue ... in burning out before our time, because we failed to take appropriate care of ourselves. Reality demands that we face up to our frailty and mortality. The saying "every day I die a little. The big question is: Am I dying too fast?" helps us address this stark reality with confidence and hope. (p258)

Hopefully, this book has helped you and your husband to consider how to sustain your ministry for as long as God gives you, to His glory and honour.

Going the Distance - Chapter 16

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 16 - Justification by faith - a truth that works!

If I had to rank any one teaching of Scripture as of primary significance for my own nourishment as a person and a pastor, I would choose 'justification by faith alone'. It was Marin Luther who suggested that justification by faith was the article of a standing or falling church. My own view is that it is also the article of a standing or falling pastor. (p244)

In what areas does the doctrine of justification by grace help us as pastors and pastors' wives?

1. Self-esteem - my worth does not come from my job, position or the esteem of others, but rather, my status as a loved child of God.

2. Failures - "my own worth and value does not depend on my performance", I do not have to do a perfect job to be acceptable to God.

We work not in order to gain salvation or acceptance from God, but because we are already accepted in Christ. (p247)

Failure which has resulted from sin must be repented of. However failure due to mistakes, inadequate support, or sinfulness of others need not be a reason for despair. Failure can be seen as forced growth.

3. Relationships - we can accept people for who they are, rather than having 'performance-based' criteria and expectations. When we accept people for who they are and how God has made them, both encouragement and correction can flow from that relationship.

4. Leads to real work - we stick to the real tasks, seeking only the approval of God and his standards of faithfulness, rather than success.

5. Helps me to think straight - as a human 'being' not a human 'doing'. We will be aware of our relationship with God and our value to him, not assessing ourselves in light of others or our own unrealistic expectations.

6. Helps me to love & value the flock more:

Justification by faith will keep me from either idealizing or, more likely, criticizing or resenting the congregation for its imperfections. Far from finding it surprising that churches will have problems, we should expect it as the norm. God loves sinners. (p254)

Some things to think about:

1. Have you thought about how the doctrine of justification by faith can change your attitude to your ministry?
2. Do you struggle to accept that faithfulness is more important than 'success'? Or, instead, is it of great comfort to you?
3. Do you have a realistic view of the people you minister to - that they are also sinners trying to live by grace?

Next Monday: Chapter 17 - Summing up

Going the Distance - Chapter 15

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 15 - Finishing the race

In Acts 20:24, Paul stated "I consider my life nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me". Herein lies the model I choose to follow. I want neither to burn out nor rust out. I want to finish the race. (quoting Berkeley, pg 229, emphasis mine)

This quote, which was also in Chapter 1, again appears in Chapter 15 - and it still resonates just as strongly for me. We want to finish well, to be able to say, with the apostle Paul,

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim 4:7)

What then are some of the things that are key to finishing well?

• we are wise to rest, both the rest of days off and holidays, but also the rest of reflection - time in God's word, prayer, reading, etc. In doing so, we are recognising our dependence on God for all things. One fruit of this is the ability to be unhurried.

• recognising that our work is unfinished, even though we may complete tasks. Part of this is remembering that the work of ministry is like a relay, many are involved and it involves training others to take over. Ultimately, the work is never completed until the church is gathered around Christ in the new heaven and the new earth.

We are not members of some worldly club or special interest group. We are God's people, drawn by the grace of God to Christ, and sustained by the grace of God until that great Day when Christ and his people will be glorified. This hope will sustain us, and give us the nerve to stand firm. (p239)

And, so:

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor 15:58)

Some things to think about:

1. Do you take time to rest and also to reflect in God's word? If not, what is preventing you from doing so?
2. Do you struggle that the 'work' of ministry is never done? What sustains you?

Next Monday: Chapter 16 - Justification by faith - a truth that works!

Going the Distance - Chapters 13 & 14

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Depending on the structure of your church and denomination, these two chapters will be applied differently. However, the principles in each are sound and worth taking note of to see how they apply in your particular circumstance.

Chapter 13: A word for local church leaders

Local church leaders can be a source of great encouragement or of despair for pastors. (p202)

Brain starts by listing the characteristics church leaders should have: they must be converted, trusting in Christ daily, have a heart to see the lost saved, be in a personal relationship with their saviour, growing in godliness, etc.

Practically, there are a number of ways that local church leaders can greatly strengthen a pastors' ministry and encourage him in the process. These include:

• attending to the physical aspects of ministry - ministers need adequate pay, housing, study facilities & resources. If these are provided with a willing and generous spirit, the pastor can be greatly encouraged. Reviews of these things can often pick up areas where more attention or resourcing is needed.
• giving permission to attend to self-care - encouraging the pastor to take his day-off, have family holidays, to attend conferences and training, do exercise, etc all show support for his entire person and well-being.
• planning together and establishing priorities for both pastors and churches
• praying for and with their pastors
• dealing with perfectionist expectations of both the pastors and the congregation
• participation. I think this is something that is becoming more and more valued. As 'regular' church members now often only attend 1 in 2 weeks (if that), the commitment to regular weekly attendance speaks volumes to the pastor.

Chapter 14 - A word for denominational leaders

Local church ministry is surely the most strategic and difficult ministry around. It is a noble task. But given the multiple responsibilities of a typical one-pastor church, the nobility of the task can be lost, clouded over by the multiplicity of tasks and expectations. The denominational leader is uniquely placed to affirm pastors by consistently affirming their work. (p219)

How can denominational leaders encourage and affirm their pastors?

• recognise the primary of the local church. The local church is where people are fed, converted, and sent out to the community. Denominational structures do not do this and denomination leaders would benefit from remembering it.
• realise that pastors can be torn between meeting demands or requirements of the denomination and those of the congregation or local church leadership
• to affirm them - remember them, make a phone call, send a card, remember their name at denominational events, spend time with them in their church setting, give them time.
• ensure they are adequately resourced & remunerated
• give particular attention to pastors of small congregations (remembering that 75% of churches have less than 80 members)
• provide opportunities for development, especially feeding them on God's word, rather than new programmes or structures
• allow fair hearing for disputes

Again, chapters like these (and the previous one) can lead to great thanks for the situation you are in or alternatively, discouragement. As we are unlikely to be the ones who change a poor situation, I suspect we need to consider our role of encouraging our husbands both in their ministry and their own godliness, and watching our own godliness as well.

Do you have any ideas or suggestions for those who have conflict with church or denominational leaders? And how as wives we can be supportive of our husbands in such situations?

Next week: Chapter 15 - Finishing the race

Going the Distance - Chapter 12

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 12 - A word for local church members

This is a helpful chapter and I have skipped over the first part, but I will include his list of 10 tips for church members who want to help their clergy:

1. Keep your minister focused on gospel work (rather than building projects, counselling, administration, etc)
2. Keep your minister devoted - encourage him in his bible reading and prayer
3. Keep your minister resourced
4. Help your minister to stay empowered - respect his authority
5. Help your minster to be a visionary
6. Keep your minister from isolation - be a friend, or allow others to be
7. Help your minister to be physically fit
8. Keep your minister financially secure
9. Keep your minister a happy 'family man' - respect the family, their privacy, their day off etc.
10. Keep your minister confident

I imagine there are some of this reading this chapter wishing they could photocopy it and hand it to a few church members for their personal reading. It could be hard for ministers (& their wives) reading this, wondering if they will ever have such support. Others may realise again how grateful they are for the people of God they are surrounded by.

Some things to think about:

1. Have you thanked those congregation members who are supportive and encouraging of your ministry?
2. Do you feel resentment towards congregation members about the way they have treated you or your husband? Do you need to repent?
3. How can you, as a wife, support your husband when they feel unsupported by their congregation?
4. How can we, as ministry wives also show support/appreciation/thanks for others on the ministry team?

Next week: Chapters 13 and14

Going the Distance - Chapter 10 & 11

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 10 - Principles and strategies of self-care, and
Chapter 11 - Where the rubber hits the road - a maintenance plan

Now, Brain gets down to the planning stages of self-care.

In Chapter 10, he looks both at the example of Jesus and other clergy in thinking through some elements of self-care. These include:

• taking a day of rest
• partnering with others in ministry - sharing both the joys and the burdens
• being realistic about people - some will reject the message of the gospel
• rejoicing that your names are written in heaven - comparison with others is neither helpful nor necessary
• remembering it is God's work - he is in control
• taking time for study and reflection
• taking time for prayer
• having hobbies and other interests
• taking time with wife and family
• doing physical exercise
• taking regular holidays
• managing careful use of the diary

Then in chapter 11, he puts forward some ideas to actually put a maintenance plan in place:

1. Plan to work. That is what a pastor does, he works. Plan how you work, when you work and what you are working on.
2. Plan to plan. Take time to plan all that you do. Plan the year's sermon topics in advance, plan the month's meetings, plan the week's times of preparation and pastoring, etc. Time spent in planning, both for the short-term (the day) and the longer term (the year/s) will reap great benefits and save time, in the end.
3. Plan to rest. Plan rest time into the year, month, week and day. Account for sleep and exercise. Allow time for family and spouse which they can trust will be uninterrupted.
4. Plan to study. This will include personal study (to meet own spiritual needs), preparation study (for teaching and leadership responsibilities), and professional study (eg. conferences)
5. Plan to be a spouse and parent. If needed, schedule time for these relationships.
6. Plan to remain humble. Helpfully expressed as "don't whine, don't shine, don't recline" (p178)
7. Plan to be accountable. With spouse and church leadership.

Brain then includes an actual sample maintenance contract to plan, including things to consider in each of these 7 areas.

I think these chapters are helpful at drawing together all of the threads that Brain has discussed up to this point. I suspect many pastors would benefit from planning more aspects of their work, study, rest, etc. I also suspect many pastor's wives would appreciate time given to planning these things, so that expectations are more often met by reality.


Some things to think about:

1. Which of the principles and strategies of self-care from chapter 10 do you find easy to do? Which do you find harder? Which need your attention at the moment?
2. In terms of the maintenance plan on chapter 11 - are you (or your husband) this organised? Are you willing to try to be?
3. How much of the plan do you already do? Which areas do you neglect?

Next Monday: Chapter 12- words for local church members

Going the Distance - Chapter 9

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 9: Friendship

Since we are made in the image of the triune God, it is little wonder that we long for and thrive on committed friendships. Relationships matter to all people, pastors are no exception. Whether we are married or single, we grow through our friendships. As we give and receive in friendships, we find growth. (p144)

Pastors, while needing friends, often find themselves without them. This can be for many reasons: a perception on behalf on others that pastors do not need friends, or instead having put them on a pedestal; sometimes pastors themselves see themselves as separate from the congregations and view special friendships within a congregation as unwise or unhealthy.

Brain notes that:

• pastors need friends
• the pastor cannot be a friend to everyone
• those who form friendships to the pastor are exercising a ministry to him on behalf on the congregation; and
• there are different levels of friendship, and all members of a congregations can engage in friendship at one level or another.

Brain (using MacDonald) presents 6 kinds of friends the pastor needs:

• the sponsor (or mentor/discipler)
• the affirmer - the person who can quietly express genuine appreciation for what the pastor has done
• the rebuker - "we all need truth-tellers, even if we don't really want them" (p149)
• the intercessor - any congregation member can be a support to their pastor through prayer. As pastors and their families, perhaps some of us need to be better as communicating prayer points to our congregations?
• the partner - fellow workers. These will be harder to find in parishes where the pastor is the only minister, "the one-man band".
• the pastor - the one who will come along side us when times are hard, to pray, support and encourage.

Brain then spends more time thinking about mentoring. There are some very helpful points in these pages. He talks about how mentoring relationships will: affirm, be available, be open, pray, be confidential, be sensitive and be accountable. He also lists some helpful questions to ask one another.

I suspect many pastors find themselves being mentors for a number of people in different ways, but are rarely mentored to. It takes humility and a willingness to be honest and open in order to seek out a mentor. In some denominations, the structure itself (eg. the diocese) can provide the opportunities for such a mentoring relationship (eg. with bishops, elders, etc). However, all to often this does not happen in reality. Pastors and their wives should be willing to search for appropriate mentors for all stages of their life and ministry. At the same time, they should also be willing to take on a mentoring role for those who are younger and less experienced than them.

Brain finishes the chapter with these words:

I thank God for my friends. I'm sad that I've not always made time to build friendships. But I am convinced that they are essential to my growth as a person, as a Christian and especially in my work as a pastor. (p158)

Some things to think about:

1. Do you struggle to have friendships in ministry? Why?
2. Thinking about the roles of friends listed above (affirmer, rebuker, etc) - do you have anyone who fills these roles for you?
3. Are you being mentored be anyone? Can you seek out someone to be a mentor to you? Can you think of anyone who you might like to mentor?

Next Monday: Chapter 10 - Principles and strategies of self-care &;
Chapter 11 - Where the rubber hits the road - a maintenance plan

Going the Distance - Chapter 8

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 8: Sexual temptation in the ministry

"The two greatest dangers for a missionary and pastor are sex and money" (p124)

There are great dangers when the pastor sins sexually. They will almost certainly lose their job or at least their credibility, they have failed to live up to their ordination vow, they leave the faithful disillusioned and can confirm scepticism of critics.

It can be helpful for many to realise that they are not alone in facing sexual temptation. We must be realistic about our own vulnerability in this area, not assuming we are beyond being tempted ourselves. At the same time, only a right view of God and his word can help us to not act on the temptations we face.

Some points that Brain makes are:

• God understands the problem and addresses it (eg 1 Thess 4:1-10)

• Those pastors who are arrogant, alone or addicted to their work are more likely to succumb to temptation. The arrogant pastor thinks they cannot fall, needs affirmation and can seek intimacy elsewhere. The pastor who is alone may need help to develop friendships. Those pastors who are addicted to work often have a poor home life, because of the lack of attention given at home, so they may invest energy in people who respond emotionally.

• We need to be realistic about the temptations:

It is important for pastors to consider the possibility that there may be one or two occasions during their ministry when a person may come along for who they would surrender all; even their faith, family and work. This is a hard concept, but I suspect it has real validity. It really says more about the nature of our humanity, and the peculiar temptations of pastoral ministry, than about the sexual make-up of pastors. (p132)

• As wives we can be helpful in this area. We can pick up signals that our husbands may not be seeing clearly. We can also be helping in setting boundaries and being willing to talk about this with our husbands.

• Pastors need to realise that often the attraction of others is to their role, not to them as a person. Pastors can be idealized, they listen and are available to talk - but it's because of the job, not the person.

• There are also risks in counselling relationships, as one can become attracted to their kind, attentive counselor. As many churches now employ both men and women in pastoral roles, one would hope that these risks are diminished as women counsel women and men counsel men.

• For those who are single, close, caring & trusted friends can have a special role, both in accountability but also for companionship.

I suspect that for those reading this chapter, we can fall into a number of categories:

1. Those who have not really thought much about sexual temptation yet, because it has not been an issue.
2. Those for whom this is a painful reminder of our husband's or our own struggles in this area.
3. Those for whom this is a sad reminder of others in ministry who have fallen to sexual temptation.

It will be hard for many of us to read this chapter without having specific people or incidents in mind.

Thinking particularly as wives, what are some things we can be thinking about?

• Do we talk with our husbands about issues of sexual temptation - either for them or us? Thay are hard conversations to have, but in striving to keep honesty and openness in marriage, it is worth doing so.
• Do we help our husbands to keep all things pure, including perception? Does your husband ever meet with women on his own in private spaces? Could you change things so that he meets with women in your home while you are there? Or in more public places?
• Are we also striving to be pure in all things? Are we ensuring that we are not thinking about other men unhelpfully, comparing them to our husbands?

Some more things to think about:

1. How did you feel reading this chapter? Is it hard for you to imagine, or alternatively, too easy to picture?
2. Have you and your husband talked about how you would share if you have feelings for someone else?
3. Do you feel able to bring up concerns you have about the level of contact between him and someone else?

Next Monday: Chapter 9 - Friendship

Going the Distance - Chapter 7

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 7: The pastor's family

The clergy family lives in the midst of a larger congregational family ... This can be good news or bad news, depending on the quality of the relationship between the two families. (Jack Balswick & Cameron Lee, quoted p99)

The balance between family life and ministry can be a difficult juggling act. Work pressures can push out relationships, and family can be left feeling isolated and alone. Some couples need to honestly assess their work in ministry and their marriage, and ensure that the marriage is not being ignored. Read this heartfelt quote from a minister:

I tried to explain my behaviour as immature zeal to serve God but this was yet another spiritual sounding defense, totally unacceptable. The real issue was whether I loved my work more than I love my wife. The ministry had clearly come between us. I had never imagined that a call could become a seduction that would destroy a marriage. Nor had I been aware of how subtly a ministry can give one an inflated view of one's own importance. (quoted on p1o3)

I'm sure all of us know of ministry marriages that have failed. I wonder how many of them are due to work pressures and the 'other woman' that is actually the job itself.

Brain suggests that a helpful theological mindset, which puts God at the centre, and everything else branching out from that can work to prevent the three pressures which attack healthy family life:

• workaholism - the drifting into a life dominated by work. Ministers may claim they are 'doing God's work', but surely caring for their marriage and family is also 'God's work'
• scapegoating - the tendency to misdirect frustrations from work into the ones we love and live with.
• sublimation - the redirection of energy and time by the spouse (here we are talking about the minister's wife) into other things as a result - usually the children or work.

Throughout the chapter, Brain makes a number of suggestions:

• Don't be a minister at home - the minister is a husband and father at home, before he is a minister. Our families should be treated as family, not as parishioners

• Use 'time-outs' as priority times with family. These include meal times, days off and holidays. He makes some observations about whether or not you should be contactable and willing to return on holiday (in almost all cases, Brain says no - you are not indispensable)

• Don't take each other for granted - talk about issues when they come up, be willing to listen to each other and your children. Give each other time together as a couple and as a family.

• Don't break promises - take that day off, don't answer the phone, finish the sermon in enough time...

• Spend time with your children - schedule it in your diary if needed. Do not expect too much of them as clergy kids, but remind them of the benefits of being a clergy kid.

• Value your family immensely - they will be your family long after you have finished this job or finished your work of ministry.

He also gives some helpful and biblical advice on how to handle regrets we may have in this area.


Some things to think about:

1. How is your family going at balancing both family life and ministry?
2. What areas could you improve in?

Next time: Chapter 8 - Sexual temptation in the ministry

Going the Distance - Chapter 6

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 6 - Anger: Using it constructively

That's not a chapter heading you normally read! But, it's a helpful chapter.

Brain points out why anger is a problem for ministers - 1) ministers (and Christians generally) are not meant to be angry and 2) ministry can be a source of much frustration (eg. expectations, community status or lack of, and the voluntary nature of church leadership can place large stresses on a minister).

Interestingly Brain notes that Hart observed that pastors "are amongst the angriest group of people he works with" (p84). What I find interesting about this statement is a there is a companion to it I heard some years ago - that minister's wives are also one of the angriest groups of people around. They bear the same burdens as their minister husbands, and in addition, they bear the weight of people complaining to them about it. And, I think, as many of us would be willing to admit, women do (generally) take things a little more personally, so personal attack or criticism of our husbands makes us rise up like protective lionesses (same as we do with criticism of our children).

Well then, anger can be a problem for everyone - so the question is, what to do about it?

Brain suggests that anger needs to be understood, acknowledged and then dealt with. We must take care not to allow anger to be expressed in sinful ways (eg. Eph 4:31) - either in anger turned outwards (rage, slander) or turned inwards (malice, bitterness). He says the key here is also in Ephesians, 4:32 - 'Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.' So Brain notes that there are two things from this verse which can help us:

- kindness and tenderheartedness will remind me to be self-controlled, so that I can understand why you too might be angry
- God's forgiveness of me through Christ will alert me to the fact that, if you have wronged me, forgiveness, not anger, should be my response to you. (p87)

Brain does make a distinction between anger as a feeling, and anger as behaviour:

anger...is like an alarm signal that prompts us to make a choice as to how we will behave or respond. We need to have in place ways of knowing what the appropriate choice of behaviour is to be... Here is the place for self-control. To be able to identify and then think carefully about the reason for anger is essential. (p91)

He goes on to show how forgiveness plays a key role here:

"Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you back if you hurt me." As such it "is the antidote to anger. There is no other satisfactory solution to our urge to take revenge." (quoting Hart, p93)

Brain goes on to make some helpful comments about the realities of forgiveness, which are worth reading. He says that forgiveness is a choice, which has to be confirmed consistently - the idea of 'forgive and forget' is rarely helpful or possible. He suggests three attitudes and actions which are involved in forgiveness:

- I will not raise the matter again
- I will not tell others about it
- I will not dwell on it myself (p95)

I found these very helpful personally. With these guides in our minds, we are preventing from mentioning things again and again, and continually thinking about the issues that caused the original anger.

He ends the chapter with some helpful comments on the benefits of anger. It teaches us to trust God, to realise we face situations under God rather than as God, we mature with the proper management of anger, and that we can use good management of anger as a witness to others. I know this to be true in parenting as well. My actions when angry speak volumes - and when I control it well and express it with self-control, my children also learn how to express their anger better.

Some things to think about:

1. Do you struggle with anger?
2. How do you generally express your anger?
3. What could you do better in managing your anger?
4. Do you need to forgive anyone at the moment?

Next Monday: Chapter 7 - The pastor's family

Going the Distance - Chapter 5

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 5: Depression doesn't have to be depressing

This is an interesting chapter. Brain makes a distinction between exogenous depression (depression that is reactive to a loss) and endogenous depression (which is biological). He does not attempt to deal with endogenous depression (which is often treated with medication), instead pointing people to other resources. Instead, he deals with exogenous depression - the more common depression experienced by many people, often. A simple (yet hard to absolutely define) difference may be the feeling of depression, rather than actually having depression.

It is important to see this distinction and understand it, for otherwise some of his suggestions seem inappropriate and a little superficial. However, as he is dealing with the more usual 'downs' of life, this chapter is a helpful one.

He states that depression, is

a part of our body's 'early warning system', alerting us to the fact that something is wrong and needs to be dealt with. We may need to slow down, seek medical treatment, turn to God in repentance or allow the grieving process to take its course. Depression may be an agent used by God for our sanity (where depression is a response to loss), or our sanctification (if there is an sinful act or attitude involved). For every loss situation there is an appropriate amount of depression. (p70)

I wondered whether I agreed with his definition - that depression is the reaction to a loss. When we discussed this a little more, we wondered whether it could be more broadly defined as the reaction to change.

Brain goes on to talk about how the truth of God and the gospel inform us and prepare us for these times:

the learning of contentment and trust in God's sovereignty and faithfulness can help us face loss when it comes, whether through happy or unhappy, expected or unexpected, circumstances. None of this is meant for a moment to downplay the loss of people or things in our lives, but in so far as we are detached from them as reasons for living, and attached to our Lord, we will be better able to face their loss and move through the resultant grieving process. (p73)

I think my husband is good at this. When something happens that could cause disappointment, he is able to separate himself from it. Not to say he doesn't care (he certainly does), but he is able to discern when he is responsible, or when things are best left to God or others. He knows that God alone can change people and they are responsible before God. On the other hand, I need to work at this a little more, and not take things as personally as I tend to.

This chapter then gets a little more practical - addressing some issues of self-care that may help, helpful tips in listening to those who are depressed and a reminder of the truths of God that can help Christians who are depressed.


If you would like another place to go to think a little more about depression as a Christian, read Paul Grimmond's article in the August 09 Briefing here.


Some things to think about:

1. What losses or changes have you experienced that have caused you to feel depressed?
2. Do you have someone with whom you can share about the hard times and disappointments in ministry, as well as the highs? Do you actually do so?
3. Where/to whom would you turn if you thought you were clinically depressed and needed professional help?

Next Monday: Chapter 6 - Anger: Using it Constructively

Going the Distance - Chapter 4

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 4: Stress and adrenalin: understanding your body clockIn this chapter, Brain looks at stress and how we respond to it. He says:

Stress cannot be avoided in life and ministry. There will always be emergencies to attend to, difficult circumstances and people that need attention, regular deadlines to meet, plus our own expectations driving us.

What is important is our response to stress, and the way we manage our lives so as to avoid unnecessary stress. (p53)

He goes on to detail some of the body's natural responses to stress. It is helpful how he points out again that stress cannot be avoided, nor should it be:

Life is to be lived - and lived to the fullest. Being highly motivated to accomplish some task and able to work with enthusiasm is a great blessing. (quoting Hart, p57)

However, he does warn of the toll of long-term stress, with no release, using the words of Arch Hart:

Both roads - stress and burnout - lead ultimately to depression. The depression that comes from stress is due to the exhaustion of the adrenal system. On the other hand, the depression that comes from burnout is the loss of your vision, of your ideals. (p58)

Hart goes on to outline the 4 danger areas for a minister, when under ill-managed stress:

1. Arrogance - "I can do it myself"
2. Addiction - excited and addicted to own work
3. Aloneness - cuts off from other people, here depression can set in
4. Adultery - turns to sex to fulfill his needs

So what to do??

Brain gives a number of suggestions, which include:
- manage your diary well
- build in time for friends
- remember that God is in control - not us!
- plan ahead (similar to a well managed diary)
- watch your use of artificial stimulants - caffeine, etc.

A factor in all of it, one that I really have learned is that we work better when relaxed rather than stressed. Some will disagree with this claiming "I work better with a deadline", but research is suggesting that people are most creative and innovative when relaxed.

I have certainly found this to be true for myself. Earlier this year I had a number of talks to give. On days when I only had a little time to work on them, and I was trying to squeeze in a moment here and there with kids around, I got almost nothing done. But on quiet days, when I had time to think and no urgency - I was able to think clearly and productively. It made me decide not to even try to work on them on higher stress days and leave my time for the quieter days, for I knew I could get more done that way.

**

Some things we thought through as we read this chapter were:

1. It is useful to think about how your body physically copes with stress. I have realised recently that my response is tiredness, I just need to sleep. This has been good to identify, so that I can realise when body is saying "enough!"

2. Similarly, for those of us supporting husbands in ministry - we want to learn what their signals are. Some signs people have told me about include:
- a lower level of patience with children
- the need for a break, some time-out

- forgetfulness - when she notices coffee cups in odd places and glasses left at home, she knows he is stressed
- more likely to get sick

3. Be aware of times of high-stress. In our little prayer group, Term 3 for our husbands is a big one. It starts with Mid Year Conference (MYC), and the energy needs to be maintained through to Jesus Week (Mission Week) 4 weeks later and then through to the end of the term. After watching the pattern for 5 years, I have realised that I need to be prepared for Term 3 to be busy and to make home a relaxing place, rather than another source of stress. So, the lawns are unlikely to be mown for some time, but that doesn't really matter!

4. Try to factor in some 'down time' after times of high-stress. My husband likes to go out for dinner, just to chat, in the days after MYC, to catch up and have a breather.

5. I wonder whether it is pointless to try to relax prior to a high-stress event? We used to take holidays in November, but I always felt a shadow hanging over me as  my husband would leave a few days after to be away for 2 weeks. I felt the anxiety knowing I was to be parenting alone for 2 weeks, and was less relaxed on holiday. We learnt not to take holidays before he went away, but rather afterwards. Similarly there is no point him trying to take holidays in the weeks before he is speaking at MYC, there is just too much on his mind.

Some things to think about:

1. How do you respond to stress?
2. How does your husband respond to stress?
3. Have you talked about this together so you can help each other identify those times?
4. Do you factor in 'down times' after high-stress times? And what would you like to do in those times?

Next Monday: Chapter 5 - Depression doesn't have to be depressing

Going the Distance - Chapter 3

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 3: Stress and the demands of ministry: learning to say no

It becomes clear when reading this book that Brain is aiming it at a certain type of person, many of whom I suspect he has come across - the ministers who struggle under the weight of their jobs and who struggle to say no.

This chapter is designed for them. Whether or not you are in ministry, if assessing the wisdom of and deciding whether to comply with various requests is an issue for you, this chapter will be helpful.

Brain starts with a strategy of how to deal with demands on our time:
1. Articulating priorities
2. Being assertive
3. No's give value to yes's

He then goes into a little more detail of how to say no:
- clarify the request - make sure we really understand what is being asked
- assess the reasonableness of the request
- you don't have to give an extended reason why you are saying no
- confidence in our status before God - it is not based on how much work we do, but on what Jesus Christ has done for us in the cross.

In setting the scene for this chapter, Brain quotes a saying which we should heed - and which can be either positive or negative:

If you sow a thought you reap an act
If you sow a act you reap a habit
If you sow a habit you reap a character
If you sow a character you reap a destiny (p42)

I liked this, it reminded me that we do need to be aware of our thought-processes, because over time they influence who we are.

He is obviously aware of the dangers that surround the over-worked and under-supported minister. One of the things our trio felt as we read through this book was how it was really aimed at ministers who are running churches on their own - the 'one-man band' as it were. I know this is the reality of many ministers around the country and the world, but he hardly ever addresses any of these issues in the context of a team ministry.

In our group of wives, my husband is 'the senior staff' (for want of a better term!), one other is a senior trained male, but in his first year out of study; and the other is a trainee. Therefore, the way each of them are responsible for their own time differs greatly.  My husband is more in control of his time. The other 'senior staff' member manages most of his own time, but with some guidance from my husband (eg. he sets the preaching program), and the trainee's time is more planned for him by others. So, there are complications - each 'minister' is not solely responsible for assessing and planning their own priorities. This is where Brain could have included more ideas of how to work in a team - how would (for example) the trainee approach the senior minister when he felt overwhelmed by the things he was required to do? Hopefully easily, as his boss would be kind, understanding and helpful - but we all know that is not always the case!

I found this chapter helpful personally as I do really struggle to say no to things. If I am asked to do something, I want to do it - and often for the wrong reasons, some of which Brain outlined. Sometimes I like being asked to do things, if makes me feel needed, or makes me feel like I am good at something or that I am useful in that area. Also, I feel the pull of real needs - when there truly is a need and I feel like I could help out, I struggle not to offer my assistance, even when it would be a bad idea for me personally or for our family.

Not surprisingly, again in this chapter my mind turned to the balance of time required in various stages of parenting. We still have young children at home, so I have little time and the time I do have I want to use well. Each year we sit down and consider what I could be involved in, besides caring for the family and running the home.

Some years it has felt like very little - but that is because life at home is very busy. Some years I did way too much, especially years with newborn babies. This year has seemed good so far. I took on more, some bible studies and talks, and we all managed well. However, we are always re-assessing what I do, and there are many more things I would like to be doing.

I find my husband very helpful in this regard. He is good at assessing needs and requests, and is able to say no when required. I really respect him for it, and he is the one who helps me assess what I can realistically do and what I can't. And he has already started warning me about what is going to happen in 3 years when my 'baby' goes to school and I want to do everything! Must keep praying for wisdom!

Some things to think about:

1. Do you struggle to say 'no' to things? What types of things?
2. If you find it hard to say 'no', why do you think that is so?
3. How do you assess what to say 'yes' to and what to say 'no' to?
4. Do you need to re-assess the amount of things you are doing at the moment? Are you at risk of burnout?

Next Monday: Chapter 4 - Stress and Adrenaline: understanding your body clock

Going the Distance - Chapter 2

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 2: Burnout - friend or foe?

Not the cheeriest of chapters I found! But relevant and appropriate. Brain tackles the symptoms of burnout and some of the causes. To be completely honest, I found myself reading this chapter not with ministry in mind, but rather parenting. It seemed equally applicable!

He makes the observations that all will probably feel the effects of burnout. What is important is to recognise those signs and know how to manage them before they take over. The symptoms themselves are signs that something is wrong, which he likens to warning lights in your car. They are giving you notice that something needs attention.

Three overarching symptoms he lists are:

• a sense of being drained emotionally
• a reduced sense of personal accomplishment
• a sense of depersonalisation, of distance and disconnection in relationships

These can be seen in other symptoms, each of which he outlines and then addresses some ways to deal with them:

• an inability to say no (which is often a way to combat, wrongly, feelings of inadequacy)
• a need to succeed
• trying to meet others' expectations
• long working hours
• lack of exercise and healthy habits

All of these can be indicators of burnout, and therefore action and purposeful self-care is needed.

I find when things are getting a bit much, I do feel emotionally drained, less 'successful' or competent, and disconnected. For me being emotionally drained probably results in choosing to be disconnected.

I wonder if you can identify signs of burnout in your own life and whether you can be proactive about managing them?

Some things to think about:

1. Have you seen any indicators of burnout in others (in ministry or other professions)?
2. What do you think are the indicators of burnout for you?
3. How do you manage when you notice signs of burnout? What do you think you do well? What could you do better?

Next Monday: Chapter 3 - Stress and the demands of ministry: learning to say no

Going the Distance - Chapter 1

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 1 - The Importance of Self-Care

In Acts 20:24, Paul stated "I consider my life nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me". Herein lies the model I choose to follow. I want neither to burn out nor rust out. I want to finish the race. (quoting Berkeley, pg 10, emphasis mine)

So begins Peter Brain's book, Going the Distance. He is setting up his principles - we must take self-care seriously if we want to continue on for a lifetime of ministry.

1. The seriousness of the work
Brain has included some of the words of the Anglican ordinal, which highlights the seriousness of the promises made by minister's at their ordination. These include:

...remember the dignity of the high office and charge to which you are called: that is to say, to be messengers, watchmen, and stewards of the Lord's family... Have always therefore printed in your mind how great a treasure is committed to your care. For they are the sheep of Christ, whom he bought with his death, and for whom he shed his blood...And if it should come about that the church, or any of its members, is hurt or hindered as a result of your negligence, you know the greatness of the fault and the judgement that will follow... (AAPB, p609-10, in Brain)

These are serious words, and I distinctly remember sitting in St Andrew's Cathedral in Sydney on the day these words were read out as part of my husband's ordination service and realising the seriousness of the promises he was about to make. It is sobering and something those of us in ministry need to be reminded of.

2. The nature of ministryIt was good to be reminded that:

The core activities of pastoring - prayer, preparation, pastoral visiting, discipling and counselling - are never ending. (p12)

This is why it can feel like the task is never-finished, nothing is ever completed. I feel much the same about parenting - another role which never ends and could always be done better. I could understand his 'hobbies' where things actually get finished - woodwork and scone-making. For me, I used to love mowing the lawn - it looked neat for a few days (unlike the house) and I felt a sense of completion and accomplishment when it was done.

3. Perceptions/expectations of ministry
Brain points to a number of factors which can increase the burden on ministers:

• their own expectations of themselves
• the voluntary nature of churches and their members
• the transient populations of churches
• expectations of lay members, real or imagined
• the low view of ministers generally in society and especially in the media
• pressures of church growth numbers or other churches

So, self-care is important. As he quotes Dr. Arch Hart,

"Most ministers don't burn out because they forget they are ministers, they burn out because they forget they are people." (p20)

One very insightful point he makes is that "pastors are busy because they are lazy!" (quoting Peterson, p21). We all know people (not just ministers) like this - they rush about from task to task, never doing any properly but also seeming insanely busy. Brain makes the insightful point that this happens because they are too lazy to work out priorities and put them into practice. If organised, one can have the ability to assess various needs and calls on their time and what needs to be attended to and what does not, and what can wait. I have certainly seen people who operate like this, but I have no idea what to do about it!

Some things to think about:

1. Have you seen any examples of good self-care amongst pastors (or other people)?
2. Have you seen any examples of bad self-care amongst pastors (or other people)?
3. Do you have a tendency to be busy because you are lazy?
4. How are you working at good self-care, individually and as a couple/family?

Next Monday: Chapter 2 - Burnout - friend or foe?

A book series! Going the Distance

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

One of the things we would like to do on this blog is to read and recommend good books. We are hoping to review a few books in detail each year, as well as have 'one-off' reviews of other books.

We are going to start with Going the Distance by Peter Brain. This book is a must-read for anyone in full-time ministry, but it also has great value for any ministry-minded person. The subtitle is: How to Stay Fit for a Lifetime of Ministry and Brain has done an excellent job of thinking through the both the privileges and the challenges of full-time ministry and how we can respond to them biblically and wisely so that we can continue on for many years serving the Lord.

I have had the joy of reading this book twice, both as part of a group. The first time was a email book club that was started by our year of college wives after we all left theological college. We chose a book for every month or two and would share our comments and thoughts via group emails. It was a group that lasted for a few years and was a great source of encouragement for our Christian lives, our ministries and also just to keep reading!

This year, I have been reading it again with a group of campus ministry wives. We decided when we starting meeting at the beginning of the year that reading a book together would have a huge benefit. One reason and a purely practical one, was that the 3 of us did not know each other that well, we had never met together before and turning our attention to a book was a good way to get to know each other without too much pressure! Secondly, there is always wisdom to be gained from others, so why not benefit from them! I chose this book rather purposefully as this year was the first year in the role for the other wives, so thinking purposefully now about ministry in the long haul might inspire them to think about the patterns they and their husbands are setting up in these early months and years.

It has been a great time together. We also share and pray together, but reading Going the Distance has enabled us to think a little about the ministries we and our husbands are involved in and how we can serve others better by ensuring we are taking care of ourselves.

Every time we meet we have read through a few chapters. We discuss them and how they are relevant at the moment.

I will take you through some of these thoughts over the coming months. I will include the questions we have asked ourselves as a result, and where appropriate, share some of our answers. Hope you enjoy it as much as we are!


I will put up posts weekly on Mondays about Going the Distance. It would be great if you joined us in reading it. However, even if you don't read the book, there will still be enough information in each post to think about and comment on!