The Marriage You Want

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Baker Books, 2025) 

I have read most of the Gregoires’ books over the years and my reviews are very similar each time. There are positive elements to them and they have real benefits. Yet, some less appealing aspects undermine their value.

On the positive side: there is insightful discussion about the risks of stereotypes, biblical misuse, and unhelpful patterns in marriage. There is encouragement to make your marriage great, with helpful strategies that many couples will benefit from. The concepts of teamwork, mutuality, and sharing the load, yet taking responsibility for yourself are expounded in practical and realistic ways.

On the negative side: the Gregoires continue to have a combative stance in the Christian marriage space, setting themselves up as the experts who tear down others. While the subtitle suggests this book is built on scripture, in reality, verses are included as needed to support their views, with less attempt to interact with scripture that does not. I would have liked to see a genuine theology of marriage presented and use that as anchor, rather than responding to the messaging of others. Yet again, a huge amount of research data is included, which will cause most people’s eyes to glaze over. It could have been simplified in ways that could have reached the average reader much better.

They have structured the book around BARE marriage.

Balance - using your unique giftings and strengths to run towards Jesus together. They use a triangle model of two people under God (which is not new, we use it with couples as well) and it’s a helpful concept. Chapters address unity and teamwork, and explore the risk of gender stereotypes, problems with the view that the man is the tie-breaker in decisions, and the challenge of entitlement in a relationship (it’s not about your needs, rather the needs of the relationship).

Affection - finding joy and passion in being together. The friendship chapter encourages doing life together, responding to bids for connection, and making time for each other, solid and useful principles. The passion chapter is strong on intimacy being mutual and pleasurable for both, and addresses consent, sexual pain, desire discrepancy, spontaneous vs responsive desire, and encourages making orgasm for each a priority. The issues with pornography are openly discussed, and their argument is helpful - porn is a user system, so it wires our brains to think not about wanting to know the other, but wanting to use the other.

Responsibility - functioning as a team as you bear each other’s burdens, each carrying your own load. I really liked this section. It addressed the reality of the mental load of life and the impact on relationships when one person carries most of it. There was lots of practical wisdom here about how this could look, but a great measurement tool was to consider whether each partner has a similar amount of rest and downtime (rather than perhaps comparing hours worked and in what capacity). While that chapter was about sharing the load as a team, the next was about taking responsibility for yourself - learn how to do everything that needs to be done. Take care of your own needs - health management, appointments, etc. Essentially, if you would have to do that task if you were single, learn how to do it now.

Emotional Connection - being truly seen and feeling like you are home. Chapters cover speaking up, communicating and managing conflict better, sharing emotions and being responsible for your own regulation.

There is much in here of value. Lots of it is common sense. Other parts of it are solidly backed by evidence additional to their own research.

For those who are interested in such things: while the books don’t make this clear nor use the language, a quick look over their website/blogs/podcasts shows a strongly anti-complementarian stance. The stance does not concern me so much as the tone around it - rude, alarmist, and insulting. Conversations about errors and the consequences of some teachings need to be had and acknowledged, but I would prefer to see it done more graciously and in a way that allowed room for difference and interaction. (I’ve made similar comments about this tone in previous reviews.) 

So, while I liked the book and what it has to offer, my broader hesitations are strong enough that I'm more reserved in my recommendation of it.

Sex and Self-forgetfulness

Sex and Self-Forgetfulness: Honoring Each Other in Marriage, Doug Hanna (New Growth Press, 2026)

Hanna’s goal is to apply Jesus’s vision for the Christian life to sex within marriage - that is, his call of self-forgetful discipleship and serving others. 

“Sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way. The way to find real joy in bed is laying your life down, thinking less about yourself and more about your spouse.” (p2)

He is clear that this book is neither a detailed theology of sex nor a how-to manual. Others like Weerakoon, and Gregoire have done these well. Rather, he wants readers to understand God’s design for sex and marriage to approach it in the right way (p3). He also strongly recommends couples read it together, so they can talk it through and be unified.

It’s divided into three sections:

1. Understanding God’s Design

Chapters explore how sex is for marriage, pleasure, serving and women. Key ideas like safety, consent, enjoyment, and caring for the other are all explored here: 

“If you are struggling to make sex a pure, unifying, fulfilling, satisfying, and really, really pleasurable experience in your marriage, safety may be the missing ingredient.” (p20)

Hanna strongly counters what he calls “sex-is-for-men theology”: that men need sex, it’s the wife’s responsibility to provide it to enable his release, which is an obligation on her. He labels it a lie from the pit of hell, more attributable to atheists like Freud, but still misused by some Christian teaching today, “This flies in the face of the Bible’s teaching that sex is meant to be mutually satisfying, not a demand from a husband to a wife.” (p33)

2. Responding to Sexual Brokenness

Hanna then explores how strongly the fall, our sin and the sins of others have impacted our sexuality. He is open and direct about the struggles faced in different areas, whether through selfishness, pornography, adultery, or hard-heartedness. He urges openness, confession, and working towards forgiveness. He also compassionately addresses those who have been sinned against. These are challenging chapters, but for those who are willing to explore them honestly, they could provide a path of hope moving forward.

3. Pursuing Sexual Satisfaction

This is about half of the book. Hanna wants to broaden the understanding of sex and intimacy, as well as to encourage each partner towards serving the other lovingly and joyously: 

“In every sexual encounter with your spouse, your focus should be on closeness and intimacy as you celebrate what God has done in bringing you together, rather than on a particular physical act.” (p92)

“All of your readiness to serve your spouse in your bedroom is worthless if you aren’t also serving your spouse in the kitchen and the living room. You can’t have heat in the bedroom without warmth in your marriage.” (p113)

“When we genuinely adopt self-forgetfulness as our attitude and understand our spouse’s sexual satisfaction as our obligation, it motivates us to grow. If sex isn’t amazing for your spouse, that should bother you.” (p120)

“As you seek to forget yourself and pursue your spouse sexually, you need to devote yourself to studying the primary source (your spouse). Truthful secondary sources (helpful books) aren’t enough and false conspiracy theory propaganda (pornography) is downright harmful. You aren’t sleeping with the idea of sex; you are sleeping with your spouse.” (144)

He encourages self-awareness, willingness to learn from each other, and lots of conversation & honesty. Some chapters are specifically about intimacy, others are broader (e.g., about communication). All of them weave together well, and if couples are reading it together, the conversations would build on each other as they progress.

The book is quite short, and each of the thirty chapters is only about 5 pages. Each has a bible verse, an example, some application, things to talk about together, and things to pray about. Appendix 2 (52 conversation starters for discussing sex with your spouse) is excellent and would be a great way in to many of these conversations.

While I didn’t agree with everything in it, it’s a good resource that could help many. Recommended for couples who want a biblical foundation for their marriage, who want to serve one another, and who are willing to be open and honest with each other as they move towards greater intimacy.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (updated)

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Some readers may recall that I have reviewed a number of Gregoire's books over the last 12 months - The Great Sex Rescue, The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex & The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. 

When I reviewed the Good Girl's Guide I noted how it was likely travelling back in time in an author's mind, seeing I first read her newer writing, then turned to what was written in 2012. Thankfully, Gregoire has done a complete update, re-releasing this book alongside the new one with her husband - The Good Guy's Guide - for men. 

As such, this is not a detailed review, because much of the content from 10 years ago is similar, and I have already reviewed it, Having said that, every question I raised with the last book has pretty much been addressed or changed. I'm still uncertain whether two books are needed to cover married Christian sex. I feel like one addressed to both partners could have more value. However, the Gregoires have chosen this path, and they've done it well.   

With the overarching premise that great sex is pleasurable, intimate, and mutual, Gregoire helpfully explores three aspects of intimacy – physical, spiritual, and relational. She covers sexual intimacy, orgasm, differences in libido, and challenges that couples face, and ways to grow in love, service, and pleasure with each other. It addresses many common questions and issues, as well as areas of disappointment or concern. 

I noted that at a number of points her message to women is "you're not broken". It's sad to consider how  often she must have heard this sentiment in order to keep addressing it.

An appendix covers honeymoon sex in detail, with lots of helpful tips and guidance, without being overly prescriptive. 

This is a detailed, frank, balanced, and honest book that promotes mutual pleasure in the bedroom. It works well on its own, but will have most value being read alongside the companion volume (and in fact, the questions for couples to work through are the same in each). 

My hesitations raised at the end of The Good Guy's review remain, especially regarding the Gregoire's online presence.

Despite that, these two books are now solidly near to the top of my recommended reading for married intimacy. 

The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex

The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Warning: this is a reasonably long review, with detailed discussion of marital sex.

Regular readers will know I have read a few of Gregoire’s books in recent months. The Great Sex Rescue (2021) focussed on problems with evangelical teaching on sex and tried to change the message. It was good, but also combative, and tried to do a bit too much. That led me to Gregoire’s earlier book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (2012). My review of that was very positive, but also noted that she seemed to have changed in her thinking in the intervening decade, and I would have been keen to know what she would alter now.

So, I am very pleased to hear that Gregoire is re-releasing a completely updated version of The Good Girl’s Guide next month, and has also written this companion guide for men with her husband: The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

Both Husband and I have read it and think it’s very good and has a lot to offer. There are three main sections and I’ll go through each.

Up close and personal (Part 1) - talks about what great sex is:

“Vulnerability, intimacy, orgasm – they're all designed to go together. That's what great sex is supposed to be, something that is at once physical, emotional, and spiritual. Emotional intimacy (trust and vulnerability), spiritual intimacy (feeling like you're one), and physical intimacy (the fireworks) – lose any one aspect, and you miss great sex entirely." (p.8)

They explain both the medical and practical aspects of how sex works, including a list of terms defined, details of how a woman’s monthly cycle works, and various types of contraception. I was surprised they didn’t include some basic diagrams here of male and female anatomy, obviously assuming more than just basic knowledge now exists in the general populace.

They then turn to the sexual response cycle, and how it can vary. For some (often men) desire leads to excitement, then arousal (called spontaneous desire), for others (often women) excitement leads to desire, then arousal (responsive desire). For couples to figure this out can be especially helpful. For if one is turned on and wants to have sex prior to any touch, and the other needs the touch to be interested and aroused, it can create tension if the difference is not understood.

There is a fair focus on the woman in these chapters:

“It works best for her if she can stop multitasking in her head, start concentrating on what’s happening in her own body, and just let herself experience it… For sex to work well, a women usually has to be a little “selfish” and pay attention to what’s going on in her body, and a man has to be unselfish and also pay attention to what’s going on in her body.” (pp. 25-26)

Part 2 considers in depth the three components of great sex: “sublimely pleasurable, totally mutual, and completely intimate” (p. 36), or in more words “learning how everything works physically, creating a great friendship that fuels your passion, and experiencing deep connection while you make love.” (p. 122).

The bulk of the book explores the three areas in depth.

Chapters on physical pleasure look at orgasm in detail, particularly for women. In fact, it was highly focussed on orgasm, stating women should orgasm most of the time, that it’s the husband’s job to make this a priority, and that sex works better when women orgasm first. My husband agreed that the responsibility falls to the man to ensure her pleasure, yet also wondered whether this could put more pressure on the wife to enjoy sex. There’s a careful balance point needed here, which we think they mostly got right. They also address some issues in this area, such as painful sex and erectile dysfunction.


Next, they turn to emotional companionship and closeness, and how this is much more important that the mechanics of sex. One of the helpful aspects of this discussion was the concept of the mental load that women bear. If men want to connect with their wife, help shoulder that load. You shoulder the load together because you are a team. They confront the idea that a husband should help in order to get sex - which makes sex transactional rather than relational. No, he helps because he cares, and it’s his home too:

“He isn’t doing dishes to get sex. He's doing dishes because that's what he should do. He's an adult. He eats. He dirties dishes. So he does dishes because he's a decent, mature, responsible human being – and women tend to be attracted to decent, mature, responsible human beings!” (p. 102)

They also consider how kids impact marriage, and give helpful suggestions for husbands to help in this area, enabling their wife to not always be only “mum”.

“But you can’t wait for vacations to nurture sex in marriage. If your relationship is going to be strong, sex has to be good even in the middle of the chaos. Yes, life is tiring. Yes, you have tons of competing demands on your time. Yes, kids are exhausting. But your relationship can be the anchor that helps you give you energy to handle all those other parts of your life. So grow your friendship. Shoulder your share of the load. And be thankful that, even in the chaos, you’re in this together.” (p. 109)

The third and largest section explores spiritual intimacy and oneness, noting that true connection cannot happen when there is shame or secrets between you, turning to the common areas that can be roadblocks. These include past trauma, triggers, and when we make sex sound ugly rather than loving and connected. I think the next three chapters are the most valuable and helpful for men:

1. Is sex a need? Considering the false idea that men need sex and that wives have been encouraged to make sure they provide it.

“When we make sex an obligation, then it’s no longer about a knowing. Rather, it becomes an owing. And that doesn’t build intimacy, it destroys it.” (p. 137)

Gregoire is frank here and appropriately so. He points out the complete wrongness of marital rape or any sexual coercion. In considering times when sex is off the table, such as for a period or postpartum, he notes: her pain is not a difficult time for you, this is a difficult time for her.

“If you were bleeding out of your genitals, would your first thought be how difficult it might be for your wife not to have access to them?” (p.142)

2. Considering the myths and facts of pornography. 

“Just because you used porn in the past does not mean your marriage is doomed. Keep using porn today, though? You’ll create a world of hurt.” (p. 147)

Again, bluntly, they state the realities of pornography use including: it is a betrayal of your wife, if you deflect responsibility to her you make everything worse, that the majority of Christian men experience victory over porn, and most past porn users recover. So, an equal measure of warning and hope.

3. Lust, which is often framed as problem with men’s purity but rather than an assault on women’s personhood, teaching that female bodies are sources of evil. In addition, if we say that every man lusts, we have normalised lewd behaviour.

“Men, we are capable of treating women with dignity. And when we do that, women will feel safer. Women will feel valued. And our marriages will fare better than if we portray lust as a never-ending battle that we will always be fighting - and losing.” (p. 173)

Finally, they turn to the chapter that is in every sex book - about spicing things up. There were wise boundaries here: for the key to passion in the bedroom for her is safety - knowing her comfort level matters to you, that your relationship is safe, and she doesn’t have to perform to keep your interest.

“Spicing things up has to be done not because you’re dissatisfied with her but because you want to experience more of her.” (p. 175)

Putting it all together (part 3) focusses on libido differences, “when you want more”.

They divide libido differences here into two categories - preference differences and when it is a problem. With preference differences, especially when sex is still happening quite frequently, they encourage the practicing of contentment, for:

“lack of contentment with frequency of sex, when sex is objectively frequent can create major problems in the long run.” (p. 189)

When libido differences become a problem though, they have a useful list of tough self-analysis questions for husbands, which include:

• do you ensure she feels pleasure?
• has sex been depersonalising?
• have you broken trust with your wife?
• do you practice good hygiene?
• are you emotionally vulnerable with your wife?

Appendix 1 helps the husband-to-be get ready for the honeymoon, with some wise and measured advice about expectations and starting out well, whether or not you have any sexual experience. Having said that, it really felt like a book aimed at those already in the married relationship.

Appendix 2 has some great questions for husbands and wives to work through together (apparently there are sets in both books). Throughout the book, they strongly encourage the use of skilled counsellors and experts (e.g., in overcoming pornography) when needed.


There are a few big picture things that could have been done better:

1. An overarching theological framework of sex would have been a great starting point. Something like: God made sex, sex is good, it’s a gift for a couple to enjoy together. Sin has marred it, and changed it. Yet, through Christ we have both forgiveness and redemption, and our sex lives can grow as we grow in Christ. 
2. The starting point was a little problem focussed, it started with the concerns about sex: “I don’t get enough, it’s not how I want it, my wife and I are on a different page”, etc. In fact, early on it is worded around helping your wife enjoy sex so that she wants it as much as you. And so, 
3. Sometimes I found the different messages for him vs her less helpful, even though they may often be true. They say: the wife gets the “rah-rah” book and he gets the “here’s how you can be her knight in shining armor book - because you can be your wife’s hero in the bedroom” (p. 4). There was a tendency to make it all about her (which frankly is a nice change, but I wasn’t sure if it didn’t swing too far in that direction). 

And a few minor things that weren’t as great:

1. Research is included to back up their position. This can be helpful, but they haven’t found the best way to present it. There are (thankfully) less tables and figures than The Great Sex Rescue, but they still aren’t easy to interpret. While some statistics are useful, quoting stats to a decimal point is overkill. (e.g. it’s much more readable to say 53% of women orgasm this way, rather than 55.3%).
2. This is being picky - but one statement really sat uneasily with me. Talking about multiple orgasm - i.e. once you figure it out, “you can thrust to your heart’s content (or to the content of other body parts), and she can keep climaxing the whole time!” (p. 58). It still seemed to turn her pleasure into being about him, and at a deeper level creates a level of expectation on women that not all may be able to or desire to fulfil. 

Having said that, this was one of only a few statements that sat uneasily, which means that we felt the majority of the book was a helpful tone, balanced, acknowledging issues and frankly addressing them, but giving hope for change and growth in a marriage that enjoys safe and secure sex.

Overall this is a very helpful wise and measured book for husbands who want both to love and honour their wives, and to care for them in and out of the bedroom. I recommend it for all husbands and look forward to reading the new updated version for women.


***

Extra note:
I feel it’s important to say that while I really like and will recommended this book, and suspect I will feel the same about the updated book for women, I am uncomfortable with the way the authors speak about other people. Their blog is increasingly combative and rude. They identify other Christian authors that have spoken about sex in a way that they disagree with, and attack them frequently. I agree that much of the church’s teaching has been unhelpful and that has been exacerbated by some writings on sex in marriage, however the Gregoires now seem to be painting themselves as the saviours of the evangelical sexual message, and decrying others who have different messages. They are neither gracious nor kind, and that is disappointing.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (2012)

Warning: includes frank discussion of married sexual experience.

My recent reading of Gregoire et al’s The Great Sex Rescue, led me to explore her blog and then to her older book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Overall, this is a very helpful book aimed at women about sexual intimacy in marriage, covering early sexual expression and encounters in detail, and then ways to grow sexually in love, service, and pleasure with each other.

She starts with the beauty of sex, and it’s unique place in your marriage:

“You know you’re with this man till death do you part. You have time to learn. You don’t have to know what’s good to you; you get to learn what’s good for us.”

She explores how men tend to desire sex more often that women, yet acknowledges some women have higher libidos than their husbands. She encourages women to prioritise sex in a helpful way for their husbands. Here is where there seemed to be some difference from her current view in The Great Sex Rescue, where she is much more strident about the risks of seeing yourself purely as the outlet of your husband’s physical needs. (I’ll come back to this comparison point later).

She then goes on to explore three areas of discovery:

1. Physical discovery: fireworks. Detailed chapters on the basics and mechanics of sex, including contraception. She covers the wedding night in detail, dealing with expectations, and addresses whether or not they are virgins. It is sensitive, rational, detailed and helpful, encouraging couples to talk with each other and be honest about their own desires and personal choices.

She then discusses the female orgasm in some detail. I was surprised by her decision to make a distinction (as to value) between a vaginal and a clitoral orgasm. She then addresses the issues for a man who has a low libido.

2. Spiritual discovery: bliss. Here she talks about what it means to make love, rather than have sex, and the connection between the couple. This section looks at the realities of pornography use and how to proceed when either struggle with it, and also presents a range of sexual practices and gives her opinion on them.

3. Relationship discovery - laughter. These chapters encourage women to be more willing to initiate and enjoy sex with their husband, and what becoming best friends in marriage looks like:

"Sex isn’t the basis for our relationship; it’s the culmination of everything else, especially the friendship that we share"

Then she draws it to a close, basically encouraging women to enjoy sex and make it a priority.

As I flagged above, it’s interesting reading someone’s current views first, followed by their views 10 years ago. As such, my guess is there is some content in this Guide that Gregoire herself might alter if it was published now. Some things seemed a little different to the The Great Sex Rescue, and I suspect she has slightly altered her opinion over time. I don’t mind that, we all do it. But it makes it harder to read someone in reverse and then interact with what they are saying. They aren’t major things either, just some nuance. The largest difference is that this book encourages women to make good sex a priority as a way to love their husbands well. The Great Sex Rescue was much more honest about the challenges that such a message may send and removes the onus from women to be responsible for a couple’s healthy sex life.

A combination of both books together would be excellent, but as in any case - the reader should sift through and make their own decisions about what they do and do not agree with.

Personally, I didn’t like her designation of ‘good girls’ vs. ‘bad girls’, and it does certainly have a North American feel to it. She does clarify what she means, and for her ‘good girl’ doesn’t mean you are a virgin on your wedding night, or that you aren’t struggling with sexual problems, or your past that you had no control over (in fact she helpfully points out that some are actually ‘sad girls’). It’s not based on what you do, but who you are, and the fact that you are redeemed by Jesus: “if you choose to follow God, and his design for sex, you’re a good girl”. Even so, maybe it’s my age showing through, but being called a ‘good girl’ did feel a little condescending.

So, while there are minor things that I would nuance differently, and I suspect Gregoire would now also, overall, I mostly agree with what she says. Because it’s addressed to women, it is harder to recommend to couples, but men will get a lot out of it if they take the time.

I wish there was one book that covered everything about sex in Christian marriage: a truly godly and wise perspective, allowing for personal expression and experience, and helping couples to rejoice in the gift of intimacy. However, that’s unlikely. Yet this offering from Gregoire goes a long way to adding wisdom to the current collection, and as such, is now high up on my recommended reading list on this topic.

The Great Sex Rescue

The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky (Baker Books, 2021) 

Warning:

This is going to be a long review, and contains frank language about sexual expression.

For those that want the condensed version:

This is a challenging and insightful book that encourages Christian marriages to great, passionate, other person-centred sex that is enjoyable for both spouses. It includes lots of research about the things that Christian women experience, enjoy and struggle with in the bedroom, as well as tearing apart the teaching in a range of Christian books on sex and marriage.

Now for the much more detailed review:

The time spent reading this book, and many of the resources around it has been an interesting and eye-opening one. I had never heard of Sheila Wray Gregoire or read any of her books, but she is quite prolific and has an extensive blog & website (To love, honour and vacuum) which specifically addresses sex in marriage, amongst other things.

The Great Sex Rescue (2021) is trying to do three things:

• give sexual and intimacy advice and instruction to married couples who are trying to live in honourable Christian marriages; 
• explore in detail the results of a large survey on sexual intimacy collected by Gregoire of over 20,000 evangelical women, as well as the results of academic research and focus groups; and 
• examine the bestselling Christian marriage and sex books to analyse their teaching and the messages given in them (mainly in order to point out the problems within them). 

These all have value, and need to be done. We need excellent books on sex in marriage, we need research to know and understand women’s (and men’s) experience of sexual intimacy to help us understand people’s joys and challenges. And we need to analyse critically what published resources are saying and hold them up to scrutiny. Having said that, it’s hard to do all three well. This one seems to start with the aim of tearing other arguments down, giving it a combative, polemical feel.

I wish they could have found a more balanced way to provide all the same information by focusing more strongly on the positive messages they wanted to explore, providing advice and insight for couples, while still pointing out the clear faults in some Christian teaching in this arena.

They come up with seven principles about what sex should be:

• personal - so that two truly become one 
• pleasurable - really good for both people 
• pure - each person being responsible to keep themselves free from sexual sin 
• prioritised - even while acknowledging different levels of desire 
• pressure-free - freely given and never achieved through coercion or threat 
• put the other first - considering the other’s needs before their own 
• passionate - to be able to surrender to each other in trust and love 

The remainder of the book explores these principles in detail.

Two chapters explore ‘pleasurable’ in detail - one focussing on orgasm (mainly about enabling more women to experience it) and arousal (noting that sex cannot be pleasurable until you figure out arousal). They posit that:

• no man should be satisfied unless his wife is regularly satisfied 
• women’s sexual pleasure matters for her own sake, not just his 

The chapters on purity starkly and repeatedly point out that women are not responsible for their husband’s purity. Men (and women) are responsible for their own self-control, and their decision to view pornography. Wives have had unrealistic burdens placed on them with the assumption that men cannot control themselves and they are required to ‘keep the home fires burning’ so they do not stray. This message is as insulting to men as is it to women, reducing men to brute beasts, and wives to gatekeepers and receptacles for lust control.

Addressing differences in libido, they note that couples who manage them well “are naturally satisfied during sex and treat each other well outside the bedroom too”. Hardly rocket science! Considering further, they note:

"Perhaps frequency has been used as the main measure of satisfaction because it is easier to tell couples to have more sex than it is to help her reach orgasm or solve underlying marital problems or deal with the stresses of life. But what we’ve found is that when you work on marital satisfaction, reducing stress, and making sex feel pleasurable and passionate, libido difference usually take care of themselves."

They then turn to consider the sexless (or very low sex) marriage, and the main scenarios into which these fall:

• The sexless marriage due to selfishness or brokenness - this is where either laziness or selfishness reigns, or deep seated problems aren’t being addressed 
• The sexless marriage due to emotional protection. Here where one is refusing sex, it is the other’s ongoing behaviour that has prompted it. 
• The sexless marriage in disguise (they are actually having regular intercourse, but for one partner it’s completely void of connection or pleasure) 

They propose five strongly contributing factors to a sexless marriage: pornography use, male sexual dysfunction, anorgasmia, vaginismus, and not feeling close during sex.

Some of the issues addressed very well and very openly in this book are the areas where few others dare to tread. These include:

• the challenges and reality of vaginismus 
• the reality of sexual pain for many women 
• the sexless marriage (above) 
• the concept of duty sex, and the problems it can create 
• the sinfulness of sexual coercion and marital rape 

The final chapters are the better ones - with the exhortment to all to ‘just be nice’. It sounds simplistic, but they are right - if we longed to love the other as much as we love ourselves in marriage, there is so much that could be better, and so many problems that could be overcome. Jesus’ words may be simple, but we all know that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

They try hard to celebrate that there are wonderful men and husbands out there who long for a close, passionate, mutually enjoyable sexual experience with their wives. But a man reading this book could certainly feel like he is much to blame for intimacy problems. It certainly points the finger hard at the unhelpful and sometimes destructive messaging that the church, and certain books, have given to people. And there are elements where this is needed. Some of the quotes included from certain books made my skin crawl. They come down hardest on Love and Respect and Every Man’s Battle. One I have recently stopped recommending, another I have never read.

There is much more that I could say in more depth. Some things might be:

• Just because books are Amazon bestsellers does not mean they are the best books on a subject. I would have liked to see analysis of some books written in the last 15 years, most covered are quite old. 
• However, that’s also a reminder to re-read marriage books. I have certainly changed my views on some over the years (eg Sheet Music, Love and Respect) 
• We need to encourage people to read critically. Just because an author writes it doesn’t make it true, biblical or wise. And this applies to Gregoire et al. as much as others. We need to be discerning. 
• The use of statical data is varied. Sometimes it helps (it is helpful to know how many women are orgasmic, how many experience pain, how much sex people are having). But it also complicated information, and often the data tables weren’t clear. 
• As mentioned above it is more combative that it needs to be. If you spend time on Gregoire’s blog, this is also evident. 

Who should read this?

• Those who want to explore their own perspective on sex and pleasure, and how that may have been impacted by church teaching. 
• Those facing sexual challenges in their marriage, and have uncertainty about where to turn (you could try her blog too to get an idea of the topics she covers, for while some posts are combative, some are very helpful) 
• Those in marriage ministries or counselling Christian marriages (or engaged couples) - to consider what messages, even subtly we might be sending without meaning to 
• Those pastoring marrieds could benefit from understanding more broadly the depth of issues marrieds face, and the challenges some will not openly speak about. 
• NOT those embarking on marriage. This is not for newlyweds. Sadly, many of the issues she addresses do come up early in marriages, but I don’t think this is the best delivery format for that stage. 

Where did my libido go?

Where did my libido go? Dr Rosie King

Please note: this review contains reasonably direct references to the sexual life of a married couple.

While not universal, it is not uncommon for wives to note that their desire for sex is lower than that of their husband. Australian doctor and sex therapist, Dr Rosie King has written this book to help women understand and address the differences in their sexual desire to that of their partners.

Her aim is to help women and their partners understand:

• How sexual desire works
• How to maximise libido
• How to increase their sexual enjoyment and
• How to create a regular, satisfying sex life even if they have low desire

She identifies the desire complaints she regularly receives, which fall into three categories:

• I don’t want as much sex as I used to
• I want sex, but not with my partner
• I don’t want sex as often as my partner does

She then considers three cornerstones for overcoming low libido, so together with your husband you can work together to:

• Maximise your sexual desire
• Ensure your relationship is happy and healthy
• Make your sexual activity as enjoyable as possible

King then explores the natural range of desire that women feel, and how it can be affected by life circumstances and stages of a relationship. She analyses some of the chemistry and biology behind desire, and what generally are the inhibitors or enhancers of desire for both men and women.

She explores the question that many women ask: “what’s wrong with my libido?”, especially when they compare it to their partner’s. She helpfully explores the following statements:

• For him sex is relaxing, for her it’s hard work
• His desire is robust, for her it’s conditional
• Stress kills off her sex drive, but not his

She explores medicinal options including testosterone therapy, although concludes it should only be used with reasonable caution. She also considers how the media has unhelpfully contributed to the idea that all women should be interested in sex (much of what she is referring to is mainstream media as well as pornography). She notes how the pendulum has swung completely, for pre-1960s it was assumed women were not interested in sex, in fact there were thought odd if they were. Now with the sexual revolution it has gone completely the other way, with the assumption that all women want and get great sex. As she dryly notes, “we have progressed from the Victorian idea of sex as a marital obligation to be endured by women to the modern notion that all women should be sex-crazy.”

She spends some time considering that numerous women in happy relationships are open to sex, and enjoy it when it happens, but rarely pursue it: “they no longer feel levels of lust high enough to motivate them to initiate sex with their partners. This is such a common scenario it must be considered normal.” In this case, often desire comes after arousal, not before, and so changing expectations around desire can help, as “it is not a prerequisite for enjoyable sex”. This is one of the most helpful observations of the book, along with the further explanation and mindset that accompanies it.

She introduces the idea of the pursuer-distancer cycle, and its impacts on a couple. There are helpful analyses here of how both pursuers and distances relate, and what happens when ‘mercy sex’ is granted, when the distancer does not want it but does so out of guilt or other motivations. She encourages both partners to stop blaming and rather establish goodwill, being able to see the situation from both perspectives.

Part 2 turns towards maximising your desire and arousal. When considering desire, she encourages couples to consider the physical, psychological and contextual factors that inhibit their desire, and then turns to relationship and sexual inhibitors, considering ways to address each.

This includes healing your relationship, by fostering goodwill: “Goodwill is the key to a happy relationship and a fulfilling sex life.” There are ways provided to assess your relationship, how much goodwill you have and whether you really need professional help. Then she progresses to ways to increase goodwill, including an attitude of gratitude and appreciation, identifying and avoiding resentment, and communicating love. She considers Chapman’s love languages as well as some of Gottman’s ideas here. Obviously, increasing the overall quality of relationship comes prior to re-establishing a satisfying sex life.

There is a chapter about the male and female bodies, including considering one’s own sex-related inhibitors, with detailed explanations of the form and function of the male and female genitals.

She then works through three things to help:

• Create the right conditions for sex
• Create a strong focus on erotic pleasure (she is open to pornography use here), and there are detailed exercises for individuals and couples to use (there are some similarities here to what Patricia Weerakoon suggests for couples)
• Ensure one is adequately stimulated (she supports fantasy and pornography use)

Part Three turns to balancing your sex drives, and stopping the pursuer-distancer cycle. This will be helpful for couples who are able to communicate about these things. She then consider why we have sex at all, and how to make it easier to say yes to sex, including the concept of good enough sex, being "an enjoyable emotional and physical connection between two people who care for each other".

I don’t tend to read many non-Christian books about sexual intimacy, as there are likely to be numerous things I disagree with or would not recommend. At some points this is the case, including her suggestions to potentially use pornography and fantasy as stimulation, regular use of masturbation for the higher desire partner, a brief comment about the possibility of open marriages (although she acknowledges few people can actually do this) and the suggestion that ‘outercourse’ is a good safe-sex option for teens. But, these are not the main parts of the book, and all her suggestions can be utilised without these options.

However, taking those things into consideration, this is a very helpful book. For those women that experience a ‘desire discrepancy’ from that of their husband, they are likely to find much here to be of help. Whether it’s her honest assessment of some situations (there will be couples who have not have sex for years, and the wife does not want to at all) or her openness about the benefit of change, couples who are stuck in their sexual relationship (or lack of it) may find much of help here.

God, You and Sex

God, You and Sex, David White

This thorough book by David White considers God’s views on sexuality and what that means for believers living today. Because this is an area highly relevant for the marriage ministries we are involved in, as well as for today’s culture, this a detailed review (and also refers to some specific sexual practices).

White begins by introducing why a book like this is needed, noting four trends in the church: the rise and normalisation of pornography, the increased sexual activity amongst Christian dating couples, the confused Christian teaching about sex, and the shift in views on same-sex intimacy.

“I want Christians to have a thorough biblical understanding of why God’s design for sex is a lifelong union between a man and a woman. And I want you to be able to connect Christian sexual ethics to a broader Christian worldview.”

He states the book is for everyone, while noting,

“These pages will be easiest to read for those who are happily married and who experience a passionate and fulfilling sex life. Your experience of this good gift naturally leads to worship of the Giver. But that’s a small percentage of people who will pick up this book.”

So he acknowledges those in hard marriages, who are single, who live with same sex attraction and survivors of sexual abuse. There is a wise, gentle and understanding tone here, and he also shares his own story of sexual brokenness and redemption.

There are helpful warning words at the end of the introduction:

“Sexual experience will always be more like a piece of chocolate cake than a source of life. It is a gift to be received with thanksgiving that should lead to a heart of increasing gratitude, but it will not change your life. Only living in relationship with the Lover of your soul will do that.”

Starting with God’s work in creation, White points out how God made sex as a good gift to be enjoyed that reflects the unity within the godhead and that because of God’s trinitarian nature, love predates creation.

“From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible is unashamedly positive about marital sexuality. As we will see, a robust understanding of God’s design for human sexuality is a beautiful proclamation of the gospel promise that God will be our God and we will be his people.”

Sex in marriage is a ‘reunion’ of God’s image bearers designed to bring forth life as well as oneness and intimacy to the couple, to really be known.

“It is the coming together emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, that makes human sexuality a reflection of our Creator.”

Chapter 2 expands what it means for God to be our lover: “God created marriage and sexuality for us to know his heart toward us”. He considers the extensive use of adultery imagery to explain Israel’s turning from God. He tells of his experience of his first wife’s death, coming to understand God’s extensive love for him which is more than any spouse, and then moving towards remarriage as he fell in love again. He asks the reader to consider:

“How would your relationship with God change if you pictured him as a lover, rather than a judge? Even if you feel more comfortable with God as your Father or Redeemer, how does it alter things to see him as your husband? What do you think is missing from your understanding if you do not have this crucial piece?”

Chapter 3 expands the idea of union with Christ and what that means for sexual union.

“Our union with Christ is the adoption into the extended family of the Godhead. Because union with Christ is at the center, marriage as a “one flesh” relationship provides a poignant metaphor to describe the wonder of our relationship with Jesus.”

It is the covenant bonds of promise and faithfulness that make sexual union a delight and a treasure:

“The issue is whether this couple is willing to make public promises committing their entire self and future to one another. Only this is good enough to merit the glory of godly sexuality because only this mirrors the radical commitment of our God who is zealous for us and longs for our sexual union to reflect his commitment of love made by promise and oath, ratified by his own blood.”

He then extends this to consider that sexual pleasures reveal a God of delight.

Chapter 5 considers sex in relationship and the damage of sexual sin, noting

“Simply put, sexual sin violates the fundamental reflection of the most glorious union—our connection to our Lord through his Spirit—which is implicit in God’s good design of marital love. That’s why God cares so much about sexuality and why sexual sin is so profoundly damaging.”

Yet sexual sin is also universal, and therefore needs to brought into the light,

“It is because sexuality is so glorious, not that sexual sinners are so despicable, that sex requires such care.”

Chapter 6 starts to examine sex as service to the other. “Sexual pleasuring in marriage is a wonderful obligation that spouses are blessed to repay each other.” I appreciated his analysis and explanation of 1 Corinthians 7, addressing the issues it can raise, especially the expectation of sex on demand. He takes the time to deal with this pastorally from a number of angles, concluding,

“God gave us 1 Corinthians 7:1–5 because spouses need to be taught that selflessness must govern the marriage bed and serving each other is the path to deep joy and fulfillment. This conforms us further to the image of our ultimate Bridegroom.”

He considers the need to talk openly about sex in a marriage. He includes oral sex and differences in desire amongst a discussion of what mutual giving would look like. He also turns to consider areas he thinks are problematic.

Chapter 8 addresses single sexuality, both the opportunities, but also the grief and loneliness that may also be present. He encourages the reader to see that singleness has a place in the kingdom of God, proclaiming to the world that the idols of companionship and sexual expression in this world can be truly found in Christ:

“Your commitment to live chastely as a single Christian proclaims to a watching world that there is another King, whose own willingness to embrace a different kind of life disarmed the lies of the enemy (see Colossians 2:15). You testify to the truth that sex is not necessary to have a rich, powerful life.”

Next he focuses on the worldview behind fallen sexuality, and then various sexual practices that he believes do not fit God’s design, including masturbation, pornography, sex outside marriage, and gay marriage, but finishes with the reminder that:

“The real problem is that broken sexuality is universal, affecting every person and community on the globe.”

All of us have a sexuality affected by the fall. He consider some of the norms of our culture today and the lies behind them, most notably the overarching view that sex is all about me and what I/we want. In the end, he encourages the reader to:

“focus on your own sexual redemption. Like me, that will keep you plenty busy. And if you have already made great strides there, ask God what new ethical issues he’d like to tackle in your life”

He turns to the challenges of parenting today and encourages all parents to be willing and ready to discuss these things often with their children. Some topics covered include masturbation, technology use, LGBTQ+ issues, and the hook up culture.

“Given the cultural messages and mounting hormonal pressure, our kids need compelling reasons to obey God in their sexuality, especially as they approach their teen years and beyond. When it comes to talking to your kids about sex, getting out of your comfort zone means being willing to have multiple conversations with your kids.”

He then considers biblical sexuality in public, “the last few decades have marked a dramatic shift toward a sexuality that wildly diverges from Christian orthodoxy.” So that “The sexual ethic once taken for granted is seen as oppressive and harmful to society, and people who uphold biblical morality are going against the flow, often ridiculed as quaint and progressive.”

“The only way we can show perfect courtesy and have gracious, salty words is if we are daily aware of our own need for God’s grace.” We should invite friendships with those with whom we disagree over their sexual ethic, and we are called to love everyone.

The final chapter raises the vision for everyone, and points us towards the end times when we will glory in our complete and satisfying relationships with Christ.

We recommend numerous books on sexual intimacy for married couples. The advantage of this is the biblical basis and detail of the theological considerations and perspectives. Many focus on how to have sex in marriage, this offering adds much more, giving a reason why to have a high view of sexual expression in marriage. From there, one can consider the challenges presented for people and couples with their own issues, as they face the challenges of an ever changing sexually expressive and permissive culture.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

The Best Sex for Life

The Best Sex for Life, Dr Patricia Weerakoon

We have an ever increasing list of books to share with married couples and a whole list we give them about marital intimacy when we catch up after they have been married for six months. This one is definitely near the top of the list, it’s been promoted to one of my top three books on sex in marriage.

Patricia Weerakoon has done married couples a great favour with this book. She is open, honest, straight to the point, up to date, and has no qualms dealing with many of the sex issues that face those who are married. At the same time, it is well and firmly grounded in the truths of the gospel and how God’s view of sex should shape our lives. Her overarching idea is that marriage is a public, outward looking commitment which is enhanced and strengthened by a healthy, honest and strong sex life.

She covers various stages of sexuality in marriage, starting with the engagement period, moving to the honeymoon and early years, the main years of marriage and its potential strains (children, tiredness, etc) and then with a frank and open look at sex in the senior years. In doing so, Weerakoon has provided a resource for couples to last many, many years.

The book is broken into 3 parts:

1. A theology of biblical sexology – how God’s views sex, how sin has marred it, and how it can be redeemed for God’s glory
2. Understanding your body – helpful basics on sexual organs and response for men and women
3. Sex and the life cycle – various chapters on different life stages and some issues raised within them.

All of this is very helpful and will provide good information for couples who are engaged or newly married, as well as extra information for those who have been married for some time. Some may find the biological and chemical details of what occurs during the stages of sex in section 2 in more detail than interests them.  

However, I thought the best part of the book was Appendices 2 and 3, which contain practical exercises for couples who are struggling.

Appendix 2 is a detailed up to 9-week program to help couples for whom sex is a struggle and  concern to try to work towards a better intimate life. Appendix 3 is a sheet to fill out and share with each other which addresses how we respond to each other and how things could be better.

These are brilliant resources. As anyone who is married can attest, talking about sex with your spouse can be difficult at times. When things are not great ‘in the bedroom’ that conversation is even harder. Yet the thought of going to a therapist or counsellor for such private matters does not appeal to many. In addition as Christians, this is an area where secular counselling often just does not fit the bill. I know of a few professional Christian sex therapists in Sydney, yet I know of none in Adelaide; which leaves Christian couples in many places unsure of where to turn. These appendices could be a great resource. Sort of like a counselling session without having to actually go to a counsellor. Even if things are good in your marriage, these exercises could be of great benefit.

A great book for marrieds to help make sure that intimacy stays a strong part of your life together.

After having re-read this in 2020, it still remains high on my recommended reading list. 

Hope Springs

Hope Springs

This movie does a rare thing - it gives an open, realistic look at intimacy in a mature marriage. 

After 31 years, Kay and Arnold have settled into a functional life, structured by routine and sleeping in separate bedrooms.  Kay longs to rekindle the flame she and Arnold once shared, so she pays for an intensive couples counselling course to which Arnold reluctantly attends.  As the week unfolds, they are each challenged to see their role in a relationship in which they have both settled for OK, but not good.   

The acting is great with Meryl Streep as the frustrated Kay and Tommy Lee Jones as the grumpy Arnold.   Steve Carell is the couple's counsellor and it took me a while to get used to him in a serious role, I kept waiting for him to make a joke.

It was honest and confronting, both heartbreakingly sad and very funny.  It did leave some questions unanswered (why had Arnold changed so much?).  Also, I would not recommend it to unmarrieds, as the main issue in the counselling was intimacy, and so the discussions and ensuing scenes were very frank at points.

I suspect we will buy this one on DVD* to have as a resource for marriage enrichment, I can imagine us using scenes from it at times to illustrate various points!

*I saw this at the movies over 2 months ago, so it's probably not long now till the DVD comes out!

Creating an Intimate Marriage

Creating an Intimate Marriage, Jim Burns (Bethany House, 2006)


This review has been updated after rereading the book in 2020.

Subtitled: Rekindle Romance Through Affection, Warmth and Encouragement, Jim Burns has provided a helpful book for couples which is honest, open and full of examples. He considers how to have a marriage of A.W.E. (affection, warmth and encouragement) and how that will be improved by considering intimacy, communication, fun & friendship, forgiveness and our attitudes.

Each chapter finishes with some questions to ask yourself and some to look at together. This is a helpful book to help look at the whole marriage and how it’s going, which may also help to address some intimacy issues.

He encourages people to individually take responsibility for themselves and be an agent of change in their marriage.

“You set the mood, tone, and atmosphere in your marriage… Without sounding like a dreamer, you can change the atmosphere of your marriage almost immediately with A.W.E. (Affection, Warmth, and Encouragement)." (p38)

It's a decision to make things different:

"Far too many times we don’t intentionally set the thermostat of our relationship to a more positive setting. Instead, we let the temperature fluctuate according to what the other person does or doesn’t do. We react to the stresses of life, and the atmosphere can quickly turn negative." (39)

His argument is that A.W.E. results in contentment, and contentment brings intimacy to relationships. Yet contentment takes practice, you must train in it, for contentment is a learned skill. As he notes, marriage takes work:

"We must suffer one of two pains in our marriage: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The pain of discipline takes you on the road to a healthy marriage, while the pain of regret takes you to a dead end." (p52)

He then turns to consider romance and intimacy. I was surprised this was covered so early. I really think the chapters on forgiveness, communication, fun and friendship should all have come prior.

However, his observations were helpful.

"Sex is not about an event; it is about creating a positive, romantic, healthy, sexually intimate environment... My experience tells me that if a couple is not growing together physically and emotionally, then they are probably growing apart. (55-56)

Two chapters on communication extensively use Gottman's material, both the challenges of communication and recognising unsolvable problems. He had good advice for better communication - empathy, listening, expressing expectations, etc.

The chapter on fun and friendship is a helpful reminder not to let things become stale and boring - make sure you keep having fun together: "Friendship and fun in a marriage are two of the biggest predictors of long-term marital satisfaction" (103)

He notes how important our attitude is. We need to stop complaining (we often speak more rudely and complain more to our spouses than complete strangers), show gratitude, choose fun and optimism, and so on. He finishes with growing together in spiritually intimacy and remembering your vows.

This is a solid book with steady advice. It's not the best book available, but it's helpful, honest and many couples will benefit from applying the wisdom contained within.

Marriage and intimacy - a question

If you are married, you may have read yesterday's post reviewing a number of books on intimacy in marriage.

I have a question - for those who are married and also for those who often talk to couples about their these things, either in marriage preparation or after marriage.

Do you think couples should be given more information about intimacy or less prior to the wedding and in the first few years?

My thoughts, random as they are, are as follows:

On the side of more information:

• the more informed a couple are about how their and their spouse's body is likely to work, the less surprises in store
• if couples are very inexperienced physically, the realities of sex can be a little overwhelming, and not always in a positive way
• when problems arise, books are a great resource and detailed books which give suggestions as well as assurances that all is OK can be of great help and comfort, especially if the couple are unwilling to talk with others (which is sad but not surprising)
  

On the side of less information:

• it's the surprises and the discoveries about each other that can make the first years of intimacy so much fun
• the less information, the less you expect yourself or your spouse to fit in with an 'expected pattern'
• it can be more fun to discover fun new things about each other on your own. For example, Sheet Music, which I reviewed yesterday, has some great suggestions for adding some fun and excitement into the bedroom when things may be a little stale. From our experience I would say we discovered almost all of these things ourselves with just a little thought, creativity and willingness over the last 10 years. It was nice to discover things ourselves, rather than rely on a book for ideas.
  

I ask this question because I sometimes wonder what we should do with pre-marriage couples:

• should we give them a book with more information (eg. Sheet Music), but strongly suggest they only read certain chapters prior to marriage and save the rest for later (and would you have been able to do that?)
• or, do we give them a book with a bit with more basic information (eg. One Flesh), saving the more detailed book recommendations for a bit later down the track, which could risk the first couple of months or year being less enjoyable than it could be.

In the end, we keep telling couples that intimacy in marriage needs attention, and when time and energy is put in (which really, can be a fun project!), it just keeps getting better.

So, what do you think?

Marriage and intimacy

Please note: this post has beeen updated and a newer version can be found here.

We are finding that because we talk to a lot of couples, we are often talking with them about the intimate parts of their marriage. We wanted to read a bit more on the topic and prepare a list to recommend. So, I was the one who stood in the 'relationships' (codeword: sex) section in Koorong browsing what was on offer, and who has since been doing some serious speed reading!

After reading a few, here are the ones we now recommend (obviously this list is only recommended reading for marrieds, or those who are engaged and close to the wedding day!):


One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond, Amelia & Greg Clarke

Actually, this one we have already been recommending for some time. This Christian book is written by a couple in Sydney, and the wife is a doctor specialising in sexual health. It’s a helpful introductory book to sex and some of the issues surrounding it. This has previously been our recommended ‘first book to read’ for couples who are marrying and thinking about their sexual relationship. It’s good to read prior to marriage (although only in the month or so before the wedding) and again a few months later.




Sheet Music, Dr Kevin Leman

This very good book is now our recommended ‘first book to read’. It is Christian, honest, fun and practical. It is as good as A Celebration of Sex (see below), but the emphasis is slightly more on how sex works, especially in the beginning and some good ideas for continuing in sexual intimacy and dealing with common issues which couples face. This would be a great book to read after marriage (and parts of it prior to marriage). Especially worth reading if a couple wants a few ideas on how to improve the intimate side of things. This is a great book which will give help throughout marriage.




A Celebration of Sex, Dr Douglas E. Rosenau

Subtitled: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy, this is a detailed and helpful book written by a Christian sex therapist. He leads couples through many areas encouraging them to grow in: playfulness, love, knowledge, honesty, forgiveness, creative romance and discipline. With the basic premise that: an intimate marriage + mature lovers = a fulfilling sex life, he works through all topics with a Christian mind set.

The book covers numerous topics including the basic aspects of many parts of a sexual marriage; massage; mutual touch; common problems or struggles for men and women; sex through pregnancy, children, in the older years and with illness or disability; and the impact of medications. This book could certainly become the reference for the entirety of an intimate marriage.


The Way to Love your Wife, Clifford & Joyce Penner

Subtitled: Creating Greater Love and Passion in the Bedroom, this book written for men talks about how to make sex meaningful for their wife; how to build desire and intimacy and how to let the wife ‘lead’ in the bedroom. It has some practical chapters on what the various issues could be which create problems for intimacy, as well as suggestions for making sex more fun and enjoyable for both. There are a couple of helpful chapters which deal with the risk of affairs and how to avoid them, and also the risks posed by the internet and pornography, and sexual addiction. Again, this is written from a Christian perspective, although not as overtly as A Celebration of Sex (above).


Creating an Intimate Marriage, Jim Burns

Subtitled: Rekindle Romance Through Affection, Warmth and Encouragement, Jim Burns has provided a helpful book for couples which is honest, open and full of examples. He deals with the ways to have a marriage of affection, warmth and encouragement, by looking at intimacy, communication, fun & friendship, forgiveness & our attitude. Each chapter finishes with some questions to ask yourself and some to look at together. This is a helpful one to look at the whole marriage and how it’s going, which may also help to address some intimacy issues. I am going to review this book in a little more detail next week.


365 Nights. Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe
This book, written as a diary, gives a different insight into the life of one married couple. It the story of how one woman offered her husband (as his 40th birthday present) sex every day for a year, and what resulted from the offer. It is a thought-provoking and insightful look at marriage, parenting, the role of women and a number of other topics. It issues a challenge (especially to women) not to settle for or allow their marriages to become 'un-intimate'. This is a funny and honest book that is enjoyable to read. I have reviewed it previously here.




So, if you are married - get reading! There will definitely be positive benefits for your marriage.


And please, come back tomorrow because I want to ask readers a question about this topic...