The Marriage You Want

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Baker Books, 2025) 

I have read most of the Gregoires’ books over the years and my reviews are very similar each time. There are positive elements to them and they have real benefits. Yet, some less appealing aspects undermine their value.

On the positive side: there is insightful discussion about the risks of stereotypes, biblical misuse, and unhelpful patterns in marriage. There is encouragement to make your marriage great, with helpful strategies that many couples will benefit from. The concepts of teamwork, mutuality, and sharing the load, yet taking responsibility for yourself are expounded in practical and realistic ways.

On the negative side: the Gregoires continue to have a combative stance in the Christian marriage space, setting themselves up as the experts who tear down others. While the subtitle suggests this book is built on scripture, in reality, verses are included as needed to support their views, with less attempt to interact with scripture that does not. I would have liked to see a genuine theology of marriage presented and use that as anchor, rather than responding to the messaging of others. Yet again, a huge amount of research data is included, which will cause most people’s eyes to glaze over. It could have been simplified in ways that could have reached the average reader much better.

They have structured the book around BARE marriage.

Balance - using your unique giftings and strengths to run towards Jesus together. They use a triangle model of two people under God (which is not new, we use it with couples as well) and it’s a helpful concept. Chapters address unity and teamwork, and explore the risk of gender stereotypes, problems with the view that the man is the tie-breaker in decisions, and the challenge of entitlement in a relationship (it’s not about your needs, rather the needs of the relationship).

Affection - finding joy and passion in being together. The friendship chapter encourages doing life together, responding to bids for connection, and making time for each other, solid and useful principles. The passion chapter is strong on intimacy being mutual and pleasurable for both, and addresses consent, sexual pain, desire discrepancy, spontaneous vs responsive desire, and encourages making orgasm for each a priority. The issues with pornography are openly discussed, and their argument is helpful - porn is a user system, so it wires our brains to think not about wanting to know the other, but wanting to use the other.

Responsibility - functioning as a team as you bear each other’s burdens, each carrying your own load. I really liked this section. It addressed the reality of the mental load of life and the impact on relationships when one person carries most of it. There was lots of practical wisdom here about how this could look, but a great measurement tool was to consider whether each partner has a similar amount of rest and downtime (rather than perhaps comparing hours worked and in what capacity). While that chapter was about sharing the load as a team, the next was about taking responsibility for yourself - learn how to do everything that needs to be done. Take care of your own needs - health management, appointments, etc. Essentially, if you would have to do that task if you were single, learn how to do it now.

Emotional Connection - being truly seen and feeling like you are home. Chapters cover speaking up, communicating and managing conflict better, sharing emotions and being responsible for your own regulation.

There is much in here of value. Lots of it is common sense. Other parts of it are solidly backed by evidence additional to their own research.

For those who are interested in such things: while the books don’t make this clear nor use the language, a quick look over their website/blogs/podcasts shows a strongly anti-complementarian stance. The stance does not concern me so much as the tone around it - rude, alarmist, and insulting. Conversations about errors and the consequences of some teachings need to be had and acknowledged, but I would prefer to see it done more graciously and in a way that allowed room for difference and interaction. (I’ve made similar comments about this tone in previous reviews.) 

So, while I liked the book and what it has to offer, my broader hesitations are strong enough that I'm more reserved in my recommendation of it.

Sex and Self-forgetfulness

Sex and Self-Forgetfulness: Honoring Each Other in Marriage, Doug Hanna (New Growth Press, 2026)

Hanna’s goal is to apply Jesus’s vision for the Christian life to sex within marriage - that is, his call of self-forgetful discipleship and serving others. 

“Sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way. The way to find real joy in bed is laying your life down, thinking less about yourself and more about your spouse.” (p2)

He is clear that this book is neither a detailed theology of sex nor a how-to manual. Others like Weerakoon, and Gregoire have done these well. Rather, he wants readers to understand God’s design for sex and marriage to approach it in the right way (p3). He also strongly recommends couples read it together, so they can talk it through and be unified.

It’s divided into three sections:

1. Understanding God’s Design

Chapters explore how sex is for marriage, pleasure, serving and women. Key ideas like safety, consent, enjoyment, and caring for the other are all explored here: 

“If you are struggling to make sex a pure, unifying, fulfilling, satisfying, and really, really pleasurable experience in your marriage, safety may be the missing ingredient.” (p20)

Hanna strongly counters what he calls “sex-is-for-men theology”: that men need sex, it’s the wife’s responsibility to provide it to enable his release, which is an obligation on her. He labels it a lie from the pit of hell, more attributable to atheists like Freud, but still misused by some Christian teaching today, “This flies in the face of the Bible’s teaching that sex is meant to be mutually satisfying, not a demand from a husband to a wife.” (p33)

2. Responding to Sexual Brokenness

Hanna then explores how strongly the fall, our sin and the sins of others have impacted our sexuality. He is open and direct about the struggles faced in different areas, whether through selfishness, pornography, adultery, or hard-heartedness. He urges openness, confession, and working towards forgiveness. He also compassionately addresses those who have been sinned against. These are challenging chapters, but for those who are willing to explore them honestly, they could provide a path of hope moving forward.

3. Pursuing Sexual Satisfaction

This is about half of the book. Hanna wants to broaden the understanding of sex and intimacy, as well as to encourage each partner towards serving the other lovingly and joyously: 

“In every sexual encounter with your spouse, your focus should be on closeness and intimacy as you celebrate what God has done in bringing you together, rather than on a particular physical act.” (p92)

“All of your readiness to serve your spouse in your bedroom is worthless if you aren’t also serving your spouse in the kitchen and the living room. You can’t have heat in the bedroom without warmth in your marriage.” (p113)

“When we genuinely adopt self-forgetfulness as our attitude and understand our spouse’s sexual satisfaction as our obligation, it motivates us to grow. If sex isn’t amazing for your spouse, that should bother you.” (p120)

“As you seek to forget yourself and pursue your spouse sexually, you need to devote yourself to studying the primary source (your spouse). Truthful secondary sources (helpful books) aren’t enough and false conspiracy theory propaganda (pornography) is downright harmful. You aren’t sleeping with the idea of sex; you are sleeping with your spouse.” (144)

He encourages self-awareness, willingness to learn from each other, and lots of conversation & honesty. Some chapters are specifically about intimacy, others are broader (e.g., about communication). All of them weave together well, and if couples are reading it together, the conversations would build on each other as they progress.

The book is quite short, and each of the thirty chapters is only about 5 pages. Each has a bible verse, an example, some application, things to talk about together, and things to pray about. Appendix 2 (52 conversation starters for discussing sex with your spouse) is excellent and would be a great way in to many of these conversations.

While I didn’t agree with everything in it, it’s a good resource that could help many. Recommended for couples who want a biblical foundation for their marriage, who want to serve one another, and who are willing to be open and honest with each other as they move towards greater intimacy.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.