Doing Life with Your Adult Children

Doing Life with Your Adult Children, Jim Burns (Zondervan, 2019) 

After decades of reading parenting books for babies, toddlers and teens - I have arrived at the final stage - parenting adult children. This stage is longer than all the others and often has larger issues at stake, yet there aren’t many resources about it. I’m going to tell you about some in the coming months.

Jim Burns’ offering is summarised in the subtitle “keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out”. He wants to help parents by giving “perspective, insight, and practical guidance you need to move your relationship in a positive direction” (p16). He challenges parents to acknowledge that at this stage many lose the part of parenting they like - the control - but it’s time to relinquish them to God and let go.

Some of the big ideas that overarch the book are included in chapter 1: 

• Be encouraging but not intrusive. That means hold your tongue, encourage what you can, and develop the right to be heard. 
• Be caring but enable independence 
• Invest in your own emotional, physical, and spiritual health 
• Have fun with your kids 

He has structured the book around 9 core principles, which address a few main themes: 

• Recognise our children are adults and treat them that way - with respect (for no adult wants to be told what to do), with grace, with the view to being an available mentor when sought, and trusting that they need to learn from experience. 
• Awareness of the culture our children have grown up in: one that delays maturing to adulthood, is shaped by technology, seeks life/work balance and adventure, and is morally aimless. 
• Entitlement and failure to launch. A parent’s role is to proactively move adult children towards independence, which may require tough decisions and boundaries about living at home and financial provision. Some families may need to develop specific timetabled action plans for this. 
• Supporting children through regrettable choices. Adult need to bear the consequences of their actions, so parents love them but do not bail them out. Find support for yourself through tough times, so that you don’t dump your frustration on them. 
• As families change, work hard to develop strong in-law and stepfamily relationships, and use the amazing opportunities of grandparenting seriously. 

A few things stood out:

1. Unsolicited advice is often taken as criticism. 
2. The great, honest comment from a pastor about his son: “most of the time, he didn’t want my advice. I’m a pastor, and frankly, I give good advice”! 
3. When in doubt, remain silent. Ask yourself, “Will what I am about to do or say improve the relationship?” 
4. Allow them to control the amount of time they spend with you 

“For many parents, it’s this final stage of trying to balance care and concern with respect for privacy and individuation that truly is the most difficult stage of all.” (p98)

A very helpful and practical guide to think about the longest stage of parenting you will ever do.

Reading the Times

Reading the Times, Jeffrey Bilbro (IVP, 2021) 

This book is an excellent prompt to think more deeply about the news, the information we consume, and how and why we do so. God’s word calls us to an eternal perspective that places Jesus Christ as the turning point of history. Yet, in an age surrounded by newsfeeds, social media, opinions, tweets, and videos, it is hard to remember this eschatological vision. As Thoreau said, “Read not the Times. Read the Eternities”.

Bilbro helps us consider how we might do this. His purpose is to think theologically about how Christians should consume the news. But thinking leads to action, and he encourages the reader to use the news in ways that focus us on the work of the Word and loving our neighbours. He explores three areas - attention, time, and community. In each, he considers the current landscape, proposes a theological answer often using examples from history, and provides some practical ways to live it out.

Attention

In essence, our minds are being filled with numerous, trivial, and mostly unimportant pieces of information. This leads to boredom and dis-ease, makes us vulnerable to other strong opinions, and warps our emotional sensibilities - directing us to care about far-away events which do not impact us, while giving little heed to our close neighbours’ needs.

His solution - focus on one or two issues that strike you as important and that are important to God: 

“Perhaps we need to conduct an emotional audit and consider which issues or news items caused us to become angry, outraged, or excited: Are we grieving over what grieves God and rejoicing over what brings him joy? Or have we become emotionally invested in trivia while growing apathetic about matters of real import?”

“A contemplative response to the news, then, depends on eschatological hope, on fixing one’s identity in a victory that lies outside the vicissitudes of daily news and politics.”

His suggestions - read deeply, not shallowly. Focus on the things in your life that are important in the world that you inhabit. 

“Perhaps the news to which we most need to attend won't be found on social media feed or the front page of any paper. Instead, it's the cry of a baby who needs a diaper changed. It's the bubbles bursting from a pot that needs to be stirred… These are the news alerts, the “push notifications,” to which we can respond with skill. And such work inculcates a properly responsible attention, an attention that seeks to lovingly care for the needs at hand.”

Time

Using the different categories of kairos and chronos in time, Bilbro draws the distinction between two categories of time. Kairos is more rhythmic, cyclical and seasonal; it is more about time to act or time to plant. Chronos is more a quantifiable duration, something that is linear, and often is applied to the forward march of a society. 

Christians can risk conflating redemptive time with the advance of chronological time, leading some to identify with their values being on the ‘right side’ of history, yet, 

“the arc of history does not bend towards the Roman eagle or liberal democracy; rather, all its events relative to the crucified and risen Word. And Christians must learn to read the events of chronos in that light.”

“If your response to the news fits perfectly within any partisan narrative - whether a nostalgic longing to restore some idyllic time or a woke fury at those on the wrong side of history - it’s unlikely to be keyed to God’s eschatological victory.”

Bilbro encourages an appreciation of literature and art that incorporates a sense of God‘s timing rather than just human chronological timing. Such an approach requires depth and time which may be hard, but is worthwhile.

Community

News and information operate within the public sphere, and they have three prominent features being secular, metatopical, and market-based. The more fascinating concept was Bilbro’s assertion that a community formed through the digital public sphere is almost evitably a swarm, and 

“Because swarms simply respond to stimuli, they can't coordinate or sustain the patient, difficult work of love and care.”

Some proposed solutions have been fact checking and diversifying our news feeds, but these don’t make much difference for those who are well informed often remain one-sided and reading other’s opinions can just lead to confirmation bias. More importantly however, these don’t address core issues: 

“What we really need is to be shaped by embodied communities that are rooted outside the public sphere and its unhealthy dynamics”

He encourages adopting practices or liturgies that reshape our intuitions and belonging, giving two principles: faithful joining (be in your community, even just walking around it), and redemptive publishing (participate in media in ways that counter its warping pressures).

In some ways, the depth of his analysis leads to an expectation of more detailed and complex solutions. Bilbro’s way forward almost seems simplistic. Yet, I think they are designed to ground us and show us that it’s not that hard or overwhelming to change our perspective and approach.

I found myself pondering how many people today are following news or information. My observation is that many follow feeds that have no real content at all. Not news, but empty memes, jokes, personal anecdotes, and life hacks. Lives are filled with the emptiness of other people’s lives. This might make it easier to disengage from other people’s trivia, but it clearly has a pull on many.

This is intelligent and wise writing that prompts thoughtful action in a sphere that we are all continuously learning to navigate.

Mania

Mania, Lionel Shriver (Harper Collins, 2024) 

Yet again I have been struck by Lionel Shriver’s insight and humour. She has an astonishing ability to explore societal trends through fictional characters and situations, and I have enjoyed many of her books over the years.

This new offering presents an alternative world where intelligence (or more specifically, the lack of it) has become the primary social justice issue. It began in 2010 with the release of a book suggesting that discrimination against dumb people was the last civil rights fight. This startled a trickle, which quickly became a torrent stating that there was no difference in intellect, merely different processing issues. In due course, it became socially unacceptable to refer to anyone’s intelligence or lack thereof. Shriver shows us where this naturally leads. 

Early on there are numerous language changes to adapt to: removal of terms like dumbwaiter, dense, dumbbells, thick, bovine, bright, and quick. Knives could not be described as sharp, clothes could not look smart, Smarties had to change their name, and there could be no mention of turkeys or sage at Thanksgiving. Many TV shows were cancelled, including Big Bang Theory and Sherlock Holmes. Newspapers removed all crosswords, lest anyone feel traumatised by being unable to do them.  

Over the following 5-10 years all school tests are abolished, no entry requirements are needed to attend university, anyone can be issued with a degree, and no one who applies for a job can be refused. Consider surgeons with no qualifications, aeroplane engineers who do not understand hydraulic systems, and food preparations not held to any standards. On the World Stage, America (and the West) have begun to fall apart, Russia has invaded Europe and China controls all of Asia. In this world, Obama is seen as too elite and intelligent, so is a one-term President. Amusingly, the next two presidents echo this world’s reality.  

It’s written from the perspective of Pearson Converse, of average intellect, who is a university English lecturer. She was brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness, but rejected it in her teens. She has three children and a loving husband, and fights against the lunacy of the changes going on around her. Yet her best friend, Emory, has become a champion of the Mental Parity (MP) movement and has a platform on CNN from which to project them.  

I highlighted so many quotes, I couldn’t possibly share them all with you - but here is a sample to get the idea: 

“Emory drummed her fingers during the traditional scramble for vocabulary that hadn't yet been exiled to the naughty step.” 

“Social hysterias do not stand still if they are not yet losing steam, they are getting worse. And this one was getting worse. Radical movements keep ratcheting up their demands, because nothing ennervates a course more than success.” 

“By this point it's indisputable that human beings will believe anything. Accordingly, a wide variety of historical phenomena that once confounded me now seem explicable, if not ordained. I'm no longer astonished by the Holocaust and there's no country in the world that I would deem impervious to the modern equivalent of a Nazi takeover.” 

“I haven't adopted a revolutionary way of looking at the world that I'm intent on imposing on everyone else. Everyone else is imposing their revolution on me. All I've done is refuse to capitulate. I stayed in the exact same place while the rest of the world has careened off to la-la land.”

Shriver has strong views and she does not hesitate to weave them into her writing with an acerbic edge, harshness, and dark humour. All of her writing is strongly anti-religious. She is clearly addressing social justice, inclusivity, diversity and the cancel culture of the Western world. Even when I disagree with her perspective, or hold another opinion, I love her writing. She makes me think, question, and consider.

My year in books

At the end of last year, my regular annual post at TGCA was published - My Year in Books. I share it with you below - regular readers will note that I already reviewed these here over the year, but there are a few extras - notably the podcasts and the fiction. 

1. The Sermon on the Mount and Human Flourishing (Jonathan Pennington)

Pennington’s theological commentary on the Sermon on the Mount was a highlight of my biblical study. Eminently readable yet scholarly, Pennington sets a vision for Matthew 5–7 as Jesus’ invitation to live a full and flourishing life in the Father’s kingdom. It broadened my understanding and appreciation for this well-known sermon and provided an overarching thematic structure to explore it in depth. As a speaker, I would have appreciated more movement from exegesis to application. However, as a Bible reader and believer, I was well-fed.

2. You Are Welcomed (Trish Donahue)

This 10-week devotional for women was an encouraging balm and a challenging prompt. Subtitled Devotions for When Life Is a Lot, it speaks directly to women in their busyness, overwhelm and struggles. Donahue emphasises the grace and rest offered to us in Christ, while pushing us toward a desire for godly growth. You Are Welcomed prompted me to reflect and pray, trusting in our good God who remains with us through life’s complicated seasons.

3. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow (Nancy Guthrie)

While some books theoretically unpack grief and loss, this tender offering is about experiencing grief and loss and continuing to hold onto Jesus. Guthrie writes having lost two children in their infancy. Amid her grief, she recognised she could turn to Jesus, saying like Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (Jn 6:68). Guthrie explores different things Jesus said, some that are comforting and some that are harder to hear. Pastorally sensitive and biblically astute.

4. 7 Myths about Singleness (Sam Allberry)

This is a great book for single and married alike. We live in a church culture where marriage is held up as the model for Christians, and unfortunately, singleness can be viewed as deficient, lesser and a second prize. Allberry’s purpose is to show the inherent goodness and value of singleness. With warmth, pastoral care and honesty, he addresses myths about singleness like: it’s too hard or easy; and it means no family nor intimate relationships. Ultimately, marriage and singleness are upheld with honour, value and esteem.

5. Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus (Nancy Guthrie)

Yes, another one by Guthrie. She led a day conference in Adelaide this year and I was already a fan. Here she considers different people’s interactions with Jesus in the Gospels—those who came to love and serve him, and those who rejected him. She approaches each story through a biblical theology lens, drawing together threads I had not noticed from across the biblical accounts. Useful for established Christians, this book could also help seekers or new believers to gain a more rounded understanding of Jesus.

6. Fight Right (Julie and John Gottman)

Running a marriage ministry keeps me looking for new resources. The Gottmans have expanded their already impressive body of work with this book on conflict. They consider how couples get stuck in perpetual problems—why they fight, what they are fighting about and the patterns they fall into—and explore how to change these common mistakes into opportunities for connection and understanding. Those wanting a Christian framework will need to look elsewhere. However, the Gottmans use well-established research, are realistic and offer couples hope.

7. Podcast: The Heart of Mission (CMS SANT)

Produced by CMS SANT, this podcast primarily interviews gospel workers, covering both their personal experiences and wider theological discussion. I’ve been deeply encouraged to see the many ways that God is at work among the nations, and personally challenged to refocus my heart for mission.

8. Podcast: The Imperfects

This podcast features honest interviews with guests revealing their personal hardships, imperfections and vulnerabilities. Of particular note are episodes with in-house psychologist Dr Emily. She explores topics like anxiety and self-doubt, both educating and equipping the listener with tools for self-understanding and improved mental health. Other stand-out episodes included Maybe it’s Menopause and the searingly raw account of a new father’s postnatal depression (Jack Post-Natal Depression).

9. Various Fiction

Needing some lighter reading for refreshment, I dived into some long series (20 plus books each). I have enjoyed the self-appointed arbiter of justice— Lee Child’s Jack Reacher—and the various crime-solving characters of David Baldacci. I particularly enjoyed seeing the city of LA’s legal and law enforcement systems change from the 1980s to the present day through the exploits of a police investigator Harry Bosch and defence lawyer Mickey Haller (The Lincoln Lawyer) in Michael Connelly’s crime fiction. If you attempt any of these, read them chronologically to appreciate the meta-narratives.