A Seasoned Marriage

A Seasoned Marriage: Living the Gospel in the Middle Years and Beyond,  Larry E. McCall (New Growth Press, 2025) 

I really like the title of this book. McCall has managed to incorporate two key ideas about long-term marriage:

• It seasons us. A long-term marriage is a major shaper of our character and actions. 
• It has passed through the seasons, not only of marriage, but of life. Pain and joy, heartache and rejoicing, birth and death, closeness and distance. 

Aimed at those in the “second half of life”, he suggests it’s for those over 40. Yet, since the first life stage mentioned is launching kids into adulthood, it’s more for those 50+. It becomes increasingly applicable as the years go on - addressing challenges of retirement, ageing and preparing for death. That’s potentially another 40+ years for some couples! It’s also not assumed that every marriage at these ages will have been long-term, perhaps due to remarriage or a later start.

McCall underpins every chapter with a solid gospel foundation. He points the reader to God’s character, to what Christ has done, and encourages us to mould every aspect of our maturing years to it. While this is somewhat simplistic, the application of almost every chapter is: pray, review God’s teaching on the topic, discuss it, and make wise decisions together. See the opportunities God has given you and continue to serve him faithfully as you are able.

Considering the amount of material covered, it’s relatively short (160 pages). McCall writes clearly and succinctly, enabling him to address many topics in a digestible way. These include: 

• Building strong relationships with adult children, and being intentional grandparents (McCall has already written a great book about grandparenting) 
• Considering the purpose of retirement? “What are you working toward? What are you retiring to?” 
• The challenges of caring for aging parents 
• Facing the reality of aging bodies with grace and acceptance, in ourselves and each other 
• Opportunities for developing purposeful friendships - with peers, those older and younger, and unbelievers 
• Being faithful stewards with our money, and moving from anxiety to contentment with our finances. 
• Preparing well for the end of life. 

As such, the content will have different relevance over the decades - first, when you have young adult children, later when thinking about retirement, and then again as you get much older. While it is succinct and clear, some areas seemed quite prescriptive and perhaps too detailed, such as how to balance a budget and manage your debt, what types of help aging parents might need, and what to organise for your funeral. Yet for those who do not already think about these things, perhaps they are helpful prompts. Note that if neither of you has children, the chapters about adult children and grandchildren will not be as relevant, although could be adapted for other important relationships.

The practical details of later years aside, the early chapters provide a solid foundation for the years ahead: 

1. Reflect on why you got married and the purpose of marriage. Our vision of marriage is to showcase Christ, and love our spouse, rather than to be happy. 

2. Be ready for change - in ourselves, in our spouses, and in our relationship. Yet, 

“Let us anchor our souls in this glorious, reassuring truth: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). We are safe in his hands.”

“I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.”

3. Resist marital monotony. Continue to prioritise one another, confessing and forgiving one another, listening, honouring and delighting in one another.

I also appreciated the encouragement to use the moments of life transitions well: 

“Major transitions in life — such as entering the empty nest years — provide wonderful opportunities to slow down and evaluate who you are and where God might be taking you in the years ahead. Take time to prayerfully process these relationships.”

McCall highlights your relationship with God, with your spouse, with your adult children. I would also include relationships with living parents and siblings.

This is a helpful encouragement and guide for those in their “second half of life” about how to have a God-honouring, other-person-focused marriage.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

You and your adult child

You and Your Adult Child, Laurence Steinberg (Simon and Schuster, 2023)

 

This is the second book about parenting adult children. Steinberg writes from a secular, psychological perspective and brings current research and observations about culture to his analysis. It pairs well with Doing Life with Your Adult Children and covers similar ground.

He starts with some overarching principles and the culture our children are in, then moves to specific topics such as education, finances, mental health, romance and marriage, and grandchildren.

One of his main points is how much young people have changed, as has their worldview, opportunities and challenges. The transition to adulthood is later and longer today. People take more time to finish tertiary education and training, change jobs more frequently, get married later (or not at all), and have high cost of living burdens. Steinberg therefore suggests that comparing your child’s life stage to yours at a similar age (“at your age I already had a job, was married, and had kids on the way”) is neither applicable nor helpful.

Like Burns, Steinberg also strongly encourages holding your tongue with advice. Yes, there are times you may decide it is important enough to speak up (e.g., something with harmful long-term consequences, or an area where you have special expertise), but generally, wait to offer your wisdom until asked for it.

Some things that stood out to me:

1. Remembering that our kids may not talk to us because they just don’t prioritise telling us. 

“[One] reason for your child’s reticence is hard for parents to accept: by and large, our kids don’t think about us nearly as much as we think about them… It’s hard for parents to discover just how low they rank on their child’s priority list, at least with respect to sharing news about their life.” (15)

2. The advice to move to collaborative decision-making as a family. Everyone offers suggestions and solutions, and a joint compromise and understanding are reached. This would likely be a significant change for many families where parents have decreed the final decision.

3. Discuss your personal finances with your children. He suggests the 40/70 rule - by the time they are 40 and you are 70. Parents should talk about whether they’ll have enough to retire comfortably, whether they are likely to need assistance from their children, and whether their children will inherit anything. This is wise advice, since so many families never talk about these things in detail. I’d suggest actually talking about some of these things even earlier than that, as appropriate.

4. The acknowledgement that developing a relationship with your child’s partner takes time and energy, and generally progresses through three stages:

• Honeymoon - where everyone is on their best behaviour. 
• Appraisal - figuring out how it will work, trying hard, but also with heightened sensitivity to each other and any slights. 
• Equilibrium - moving to a pattern that works for both parties, which could be quite close or more cordial, but hopefully workable. 

5. As a grandparent, if you are considering offering advice to your children about their parenting, “think more about how your opinion will affect the new parent’s psychological well-being than about how it will improve your grandchild’s development”. (209)

He finishes with a way to assess if your children are flourishing or floundering, with the acronym EPOCH. Consider if they are: engaged (with the world, persevering (in what they are doing, or constantly switching), optimistic, connected (to others) and happy. It’s certainly not a definitive assessment, but may give parents guidance as to whether their children are just slower along the path, or are really struggling to locate any path at all. 

It’s worth noting that the book is very American-centred, with research and mindsets anchored there. Managing children coming home from college breaks is less the way of life in Australia, where most urban kids live at home during university. (Although the principles still can be easily applied - perhaps even more so, when your adult uni children live with you all the time!). Even more narrow is the assumed financial perspective of parents. This is written for a middle to upper-class readership, expecting that all children will go to university and that parents will have the means to financially support them, possibly including assisting them to buy a home.

Another helpful book that prompts thinking for those parenting young adults.