Last year I read two books about parenting adult children, both of which prompted my thinking about this life stage.
This one, by Gaye Clark, was the most challenging and my favourite. She’s pitching it for those with slightly older adult children, that is those over 21, living outside the home, and financially independent. While the other books focused more on how to parent at this stage, she offers “an invitation to renew your love for Christ and shows how that love can inform your parenting” (p3).
She starts through the lens of the key components of the gospel - faith, repentance, grace, hope and church. Each is addressed in own chapter, and points the parent to consider their own relationship with God, with the goal of ongoing refining ourselves. As parents, we are to put Christ first and not let our children be idols. To truly repent of our sins, especially as they have impacted our children.
The chapter on grace was explored through the parable of the prodigal son, and asks “Are you willing to endure humiliation for the well-being of an adult child, even an unrighteous one?” The challenge extends further: our child may treat us like an ATM, but do we treat God the same way? I have often been challenged by the proposition that perhaps our children are here to change us more than we are here to change them: “Remembering the cost of your salvation may not transform your adult son or daughter, but it can change you” (p41). I really liked the honesty of this chapter and the call on parents to be the ones to extend grace, time and time again.
Clark is honest about the pain and grief of unreconciled relationships some have with the children, and at the same time encourages parents to analyse their own role in that: our pain can blind us to our children and our children can feel judged by us. She challenges parents to consider their own commitment to Christ and his church, “If we have not taken the church seriously or been fully committed to it, we can repent and change course. We can talk openly about those changes which may speak volumes to our adult children.” (p69)
The second half of the book considers the role of the fruit of the Spirit in enhancing our relationship with Christ and our children. I found these chapters so helpful - both instructive and challenging. Patience “is a key ingredient in healthy relationships, especially with our children” (84). So we need to be wary of “grumbling which is a form of impatience, will involve the judgment of God. It feeds resentment, bitterness, and anger.” (86). Practical advice included:
Remember, others need to have patience with us
- Be careful not to think too highly of yourself
- Get a grip on your anger
- Guard your speech, and
- Watch out for growing bitterness
I found this to be a biblically faithful exploration of what it means to parent adult children with love, grace, and gentleness. Clark was serious and honest about the challenges and how they can impact our relationship with God and our own godliness. Her encouragement was to consider your relationship with God and your own attitude and behaviour, and let that frame the person you are and the parent you are. She doesn’t dismiss the pain some parents face in these years, but also invites reflection on the part that parents might play in restoring and improving relationships with their children. Recommended reading.
