Sacred Marriage

Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas (Revised ed. Zondervan, 2015)

Most marriage books fall into one of two categories:

• why be married (e.g. The Meaning of Marriage, What Did You Expect?), or 
• how to be married (e.g. Ready or Knot?, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) 

Sacred Marriage is in the first category - exploring how marriage can make us more godly, and what it means to live in a way that honours Christ in our marriage. Thomas espouses a high, God-honouring view of marriage that esteems love, grace, forgiveness, and patience, as well as recognising the realities of sin, pain, and conflict.

“I believe that much of the dissatisfaction we experience in marriage comes from expecting too much from it.… God didn’t design marriage to compete with himself but to point us to himself.” (p. 27)

Christians are encouraged to see how God is using their marriage to grow them in Christ, in both the joys and the challenges.

It is not structured around the usual marriage topics (e.g. communication, conflict, intimacy), but rather around the ways we are shaped in marriage, e.g.:

• marriage teaches us to love 
• marriage teaches us to respect others 
• marriage exposes our sin 
• marriage builds perseverance 
• marriage teaches us to forgive 

“What’s so fascinating about all of this is that what we need to develop to enjoy an intimate marriage – commitment, tenacity, perseverance – is exactly what scripture says we need to develop as faithful servants of God.“ (p. 103)

One things that struck me about this book was its applicability across the entire range of Christian marriage - new or mature, strong or struggling, growing well or close to shattering. It is relevant to each.

There are wonderful positive encouragements about what a God-honouring, long term, maturing marriage can be like:

• “It’s wonderful when a husband and wife enjoy rich, fulfilling, and even exciting for sexual relations. And there is nothing wrong with having this as one of your goals. But alongside this goal – in fact, above this goal – should be the desire to become a better Christian. Use the marriage bed to learn how to serve another and how to deny yourself, and the spiritual benefits will be many“. (p. 181) 
• “if we engage in marriage thoughtfully, purposefully, and with godly intentions, our wedlock will shape us in a way that few other life experiences can. It will usher us into God’s own presence.“ (p. 227) 
• “It’s a journey that never really ends, but it takes at least the span of a decade for the sense of intimacy to really display itself in the marriage relationship.” (p. 102) 
• “The stronger we grow as spouses, persevering and pressing further into our marriage, the more we’ll develop the very character traits we need to become mature believers” (p. 104) 
• “If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it’s that a good marriage is not something you find; it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential.” (p. 128) 

He is clear about how we are to treat each other, with love and respect, and is quite direct towards men (and women) who fail in this regard.

• He argues that there is a case for viewing God as your heavenly father-in-law, because your spouse is a child of God. So, are we treating them that way? Aware of how much God loves them and cares for them, and notices how we treat them. 
• In a marriage breakdown, to say “I never loved you”, is essentially to say, “I’ve never acted as a Christian”. (p. 41) 
• “There are times when I must sacrifice my ambition to succeed in God service so I can be fully present and involved in the lives of my wife and children. Most assuredly, the tension should lead us to ask the question, “if I ignore God’s daughter (God’s son) to do God’s work, am I honouring God?”” (p. 231) 

His honesty about hard marriage could help those who struggle with whether it is worth it. He addresses many complex situations, including major conflict, betrayal, divorce and remarriage, and notes that a hard marriage can drive one to personal growth and reliance on Christ. He deals with these situations frankly but sensitively, also acknowledging that some marriages will rightfully end because of abuse, addition or adultery.

• “Suffering is a necessary part of the Christian life… yet most of those who leave marriage and break its sacred history do so precisely because it’s tough… This tendency to avoid difficulty is a grave spiritual failing that can and often does keep us in Christian infancy.” (p. 124) 
• “If your marriage is tough, get down on your knees and thank God that he has given you an opportunity for unparalleled spiritual growth. You have the prime potential to excel in Christian character and obedience.” (p. 125) 
• The mature response “is not to leave a sinner (our spouse); it’s to change a sinner (ourselves). (p. 95) 
• Second and later marriages are hard because “You’re not just marrying a new person; you’re neurologically trying to unmarry the previous spouse.” (p. 103) 

I realise these quotes might sound harsh, but they are not while reading in context. Some may want to hear that this season of struggle could still bear fruit.

While Thomas is real and honest about challenges, he overwhelmingly presents a positive view of marriage, hoping to increase our desire to serve Christ and grow in him, as we serve our spouse. It’s probably a touch on the long side, including numerous other writers and their opinions, sometimes at length. However, I found it easy to read, and very applicable. Obviously, it’s really only relevant for believers and those that are committed to their own spiritual growth as well as that of their spouses. Overall, an excellent encouragement that marriage is worth it, and that persisting through the joys and struggles will bear fruit now and into eternity.