Two Wolves

Two Wolves, Tristan Bancks

This youth fiction is quite different to others I have come across.  I’m glad I read it to Mr 12 as it raises some interesting questions: most notably, what do you do when your parents have done something wrong?

Twelve-year-old Ben Silver’s parents rush back to their Sydney home one day, announce a snap-decision holiday and bundle him and his little sister Olive into the car.   Hours are spent driving, a police car is evaded and eventually they come to an old deserted cabin of his grandfather’s.  As Ben starts to think about what has happened it becomes clear to him that his parents are on the run.

The story took a few twists and turns I wasn’t expecting.   Ben & his sister have to survive on their own in the bush for a while and in the end both of his parents have to choose which path to take.  The title of the book is taken from a tale:

An old man tells his grandson that there is a battle raging inside him, inside all of us. A terrible battle between two wolves. One wolf is bad – pride, jealousy, greed. The other wolf is good – kindness, hope, truth. The child asks, ‘Who will win?' The grandfather answers simply, ‘The one you feed.' (on the back cover)

It is a good book to read and talk about character with your kids.  

A Severe Mercy

A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken

A friend put this book in my hands assuring me I would like it & she was right.  I quickly was caught up in the story of Sheldon & his wife Jean (Davy).   The two met in their college years in Virginia and instantly connected.  A deep, all-consuming love for each other developed, and a decision to so commit to their love that they must share everything – all thoughts, emotions, books read and experiences.  They even decide not have children because it could come between their love.  It’s a somewhat alarming opening chapter, but necessary to explain all that follows later.

When the opportunity to study at Oxford arises, they excitedly move across the Atlantic.  In their early days they make a number of close friendships, all with people who happen to be Christians.   Their exposure to intelligent, well-read men & women who take their faith seriously caused both to decide to investigate Christianity properly.  They started by reading a number of works by C.S. Lewis and decide to write to him, which begins a long friendship and many years of letter-writing.  As a number of Lewis’ letters are included in full, it also gives a clearer picture of him as a letter-writer than the biography C. S. Lewis: A Life did.

Over time Davey and then Sheldon come to faith.  

it was the rather chilling realisation that I could not go back.  In my old easy-going theism, I had regarded Christianity as a sort of fairy tale; and I had neither accepted nor rejected Jesus, since I had never, in fact, encountered him.  Now I had.  The position was not, as I had been comfortably thinking all these months, merely a question of whether I was to accept the Messiah or not.  It was a question of whether I was to accept him – or reject…   This was not to be borne.  I could not reject Jesus.  There was only one thing to do, once I had seen the gap behind me.  I turned away from it and flung myself over the gap towards Jesus.  (p98-99)

 

At first I had, as Davy had had, an astonishing assurance and certainty about my choice, despite the doubts that had harried me so long.  I believe that a new Christian is given a special grace – joy and assurance – in the beginning, however feeble the choosing.  Until the new-born Christian has learned to stand and walk a little.  (p103) 

In the following years they continue to think through what it means to be a Christian and how that affects their previous plan of total-commitment to each other.   Davey then becomes chronically ill and Sheldon nurses her to her death (in her thirties).    This is not a spoiler – the back of the book says as much.

There is much in this book to recommend it – it is a genuine deep and true love story, it is the story of real conversion and the change that it brings, it is the realisation that death might not be the worse thing that could happen between two lovers, it is a moving insight into grief, and it is beautifully written.  Vanauken has sprinkled it liberally with his own poetry and the letters between him and Lewis.   As a result of reading it, I have turned back to some of Lewis’s writing, which has also been very encouraging.

The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold

I remember reading this book about 10 years ago and it stayed with me for a long time.  I came across it again recently.

I have been reminded how powerful it is.  It starts with the brutal murder of 14-year old Susie Salmon, which thankfully is not dwelt on.  As her parents, siblings and friends all face the awful truth in various ways, we see each of them in their raw grief and later methods of coping.  At the same time, Susie is watching over them all as well as her killer, from her heaven.  As time marches inevitably on, Susie comes to realise that the world as she knew it is changing, and her loved ones will all keep living their lives, never forgetting her, but able to move forwards.  

You can see why it was a success.  It raises questions many people have about heaven, how the dead view the living, and whether we can speak to the dead.  It presents an idea of heaven that many people want to believe in – that heaven is what you make it, it has the people and things you want in it, and parts of it overlap with other people’s heavens.

It’s the type of book you can read in one long sitting, glued to what happens.  It makes you think about justice, death, and life after death.  It makes you ponder real grief and how families ever manage to get through such events.

I imagine it could be a great book for a book group, when you want to talk about things that really matter.

Knowing God

Knowing God, J.I. Packer

I have spent the last few months embedded in this treasure.  While all the reading I have done on marriage and parenting this year has been valuable, I decided I needed to return to the basics and read more about God.

It has been time very well spent.  I have never read this classic before and am so glad I have now done so. 

Packer has structured his book in three parts.  The first – Know the Lord – talks about what it meant to know God, the difference between knowing about God and actually knowing Him, and how he has made himself known in Christ the Son.

Part 2 – Behold your God – draws our vision upwards to the characteristics of God – His majesty, unchangeability, wisdom, truth, love, grace, justness, wrath, goodness and jealousy.

Part 3 – If God Be For Us – brings all these truths together and shows us what it means for our relationship with Him.  How propitiation is the heart of the gospel.   How sonship & adoption is the highest privilege the gospel can offer.   How God guides us.  How we live in times of trial.  And how God is fully adequate for all we need.

It is full of wisdom and insight and I have been greatly encouraged. The five pages of notes written as I read it will stay on my desk for a while as I try to keep remembering and focussing on the things I have learnt and been reminded of.  Suffice it to say, if you have not read Knowing God, or it’s been a while, I highly recommend it.  

God Made All of Me

A new resource is being released today by New Growth Press. I have been privileged to see an advance copy and am excited to share it with you. Sometimes reviewing books brings sadness and grief at the state of the world, and that sin requires certain books to be written. At the same time, I’m very glad God Made All of Me has been written, so that parents and carers have an excellent resource to teach their children about body safety and the appropriate and inappropriate touch of others.

It is written by Justin A. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb, authors of books such as Rid of My Disgrace and Is it My Fault? which deal with different aspects of abuse for adults.

God Made All of Me is aimed at children aged 2-8, although you could definitely read it to older children, especially if you struggle to talk about these issues in conversation. It is clear and simple, told in a family setting (Mum, Dad, daughter Kayla and son David). It deals with the differences in types of touch and explains to kids that if they don’t like it, don’t want it, or it makes them feel weird, they can say no. They talk about how this even applies to family members, with the implication being if you don’t want an elderly relative to kiss and cuddle you, you don’t have to. Some families will possibly need to talk about this further, depending on various relative’s expectations.

It also draws a clear distinction between secrets and surprises and helps adults think about the language they use. One thing I really liked was the encouragement for kids to keep trying to tell someone if they need to, even if people seem busy (with a picture of Dad reading the paper and Mum having coffee at her laptop!). Then there is the chance to talk with your child about who their ‘safe & strong’ people are – people who they can talk to if they need to – this is a great practical idea and it’s helpful to hear who your kids think are their safe people.

I have only ever seen one other book that talks about these issues, which was very good and was published by Family Planning Queensland.   The clear advantage of God Made All of Me, is that it is in a strongly Christian framework talking about how God made all of our bodies.

My note of warning about that book also stays the same for this one: if you have it in your house, do not leave it around for children to read on their own. The front page has sexual assault statistics, and at the end there are notes for parents “9 ways to protect your children from sexual assault”, which could be just too much information, especially for young children. This is definitely a book to read with your children and talk about with them, not just hand to them.

For more details, see the website www.godmadeallofme.com.  It's definitely a book worth getting.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich

Thanks to Tamie’s recommendation after my Siblings Without Rivalry review, I got my hand on this one by the same authors. Again, it is very helpful.

It was also originally published ~30 years ago, but the suggestions and ideas in it are still relevant today. They do not seem to have updated the original book, but have added extra sections of comments and answers to questions at the back in newer editions.

The main things they deal with are:

• Helping children to identify and acknowledge their feelings, and as parents, enabling them to do so. The more I have tried this, the more challenging I have realised it is.
• Tips on engaging children to co-operate with the things they are required or expected to do, in ways they are likely to respond and take responsibility
• Alternatives to punishment – their theory is much of the time punishment is a distraction and is not dealing with the actual issue, rather problem solving is the answer. In essence, this is identifying what the real issue is and then teaching your kids how to solve it. There were helpful practical ideas here, some of which I have already put into practice in our home.  Of course this cannot extend to every scenario, sometimes discipline is necessary, but it is helpful in making you think more about what you are doing in this area and why.
• Encouraging autonomy – finding ways to help your children make decisions and take responsibility for themselves
• Ways to praise effectively and accurately
• Avoiding assigning roles (this was covered much more extensively in Siblings Without Rivalry)

This is another very helpful, very practical book. It seems to have application for almost all ages of children – from toddlers right through to teenagers.

Husband read it too - his succinct summary was:  ask, listen and don't lecture.   A simple take home message.

The City of Ember

I read this one to Mr 12 and we both loved it.   It was interesting, exciting and based on a great premise.

Lina and Doon, both 12 year olds, live in Ember.  Ember is lit only by lights, all powered by a great river turning a massive generator.  Over 200 years ago, the people of Ember began living in this place that The Builders created.  No-one knows any other life, yet the electricity is failing, the storerooms that once were bountiful are running low and regular blackouts leave the city completely dark.

While the residents around them remain wary and ignorant of a way forward, Lina & Doon believe there must be a solution to the increasing problems.  It becomes clear to them that there must be a way out of Ember, even though darkness is in every direction.  It’s exciting and we were very keen to see how it ended.

We then went on to individually read the other three DuPrau has written in the series.  Short summary – The City of Ember is the best. 

The second, The People of Sparks, continues the story once the people of Ember have found a solution to their problem.  It’s a good picture of a post-apocalyptic world, where everyone has had to return to completely basic living after the fall of civilisation.

The third The Prophet of Yonwood was much more disappointing.  It is in some sense a prequel, set ~50 years before the City of Ember is built.  But rather than continuing with that storyline as it’s main focus, it becomes an analysis of wrong religious interpretation and how fervour for the truth can be misapplied dangerously.  Both of us found it a bit tiresome.

The fourth, The Diamond of Darkhold, returns to the original story line following Lina & Doon almost a year later in the city of Sparks, and what happens when they decide they need to return to the City of Ember.

So, I highly recommend The City of Ember, and it works well as a standalone book.  If you really like it, push on to books 2 & 4 but I personally wouldn’t bother with Book 3.

Stephanie Thornton

I have recently read 3 historical fiction novels all by Stephanie Thornton.  She has chosen to write about women that played a major role in history, but of whom we know little about today.

The first was Daughter of the Gods and is set around the life of Hatshepsut, daughter of Pharaoh Tutmose I in Egypt in the 1400s BC. It charts her whole life: her loves, losses, and the power battles that raged to lead the people of Egypt. I really enjoyed it, and while Thornton acknowledges there are some liberties taken as it is fiction, most of the characters and events depicted occurred. It was an eye-opening view into the life, customs and beliefs of Ancient Egypt.

The second was The Tiger Queens, set in the region of current Mongolia and it charts the lives of the women connected to Genghis Khan. It starts with his promised wife, Borte, and moves to his daughter Alaqai and then onto other women in the family. I have never read anything about this time or region and really enjoyed the insight it gave me into a very different era. Again, I appreciated Thornton’s explanation at the end about which aspects were historical and which parts were more fictional.

The third was The Secret History, set in 6th century Constantinople in the   Byzantine Empire. It charts the promiscuous youth of Theodora (often the only way for poor women to survive) to her eventually marrying the nephew of the Emperor and becoming Empress is her own right. In the end, after dreadful beginnings, she does become a woman to admire, even if somewhat grudgingly. She was able to play power games with the best and ended up a both a powerful asset to and true love of her husband.

As all three books are well researched and detailed, it definitely pays to have pen & paper handy to keep track of the characters. Many names are unfamiliar to modern ears and the details quickly become murky if you aren’t keeping track. These books would have greatly benefitted from a list of characters (and also gods and spirits) to refer to when needed. (I found after reading there was one hidden towards the end of The Tiger Queens, but I didn’t find it when I went looking!). She weaves in and out with details and often refers back to previous details. Keeping track makes the whole book easier to follow and reduces much potential confusion!

She has another book due for release in December, The Conqueror’s Wife, telling the story of the women around Alexander the Great.  I am looking forward to it already.

If you like historical fiction, especially about times and parts of the world where you might have less knowledge, these are an enjoyable read. They will also serve a double purpose, if you are a woman, chances are you will end up very thankful you live in this day and age!

The Shell Seekers

I first read this book as an older teenager after my mum raved about it. I've had fond memories of it ever since and pick it up every 5 years or so for another read.

Penelope Keeling, in her mid-sixties, has just had a minor heart attack. She has returned home of her own accord to the consternation of her children: Nancy (the eldest, responsible and over-bearing); Noel (flighty, spendthrift & selfish) and Olivia (Penelope’s favourite).

Penelope’s father was Lawrence Stern, a painter whose work has slowly gained in value over the years. She has a number of his works and her children would quite like to get their hands on them, or at least the money they would earn.

With various flashbacks we learn of the entirety of Penelope’s life, concentrating on her early twenties during WWII. It’s a lovely story, with a good variety of characters thrown in. We are clearly not meant to like two of her children, yet other young people grace Penelope’s life who she comes to have great affection for.

It’s interesting to read again now because as a young woman, I loved the character Olivia, she was strong, successful & independent. Now I think she is a little sad – career driven and refusing to open her life up to almost anyone. Our perceptions do change over time!

This has been one of Pilcher’s most loved & acclaimed novels. I tried other books of hers over the years, but felt nothing else ever matched it for scope, interest or storyline.

A lovely, long book about families and friendships, with all their highs and lows.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

This book has been doing the rounds for a while now, having been originally published in 1999. However a revised edition has been released this year. Having read both within 2 months of each other, not much has been changed and the good concepts and ideas of the first book are still the same in the revised edition. I have found it to be incredibly helpful, wise and insightful.

Gottman has been researching relationships for 40 odd years and he is known as one of the world’s leading relationship experts, you will often find his work cited by other authors on marriage.

He starts dealing with some marriage myths (pretty much debunking the whole ‘active listening technique’ in the process). He outlines the research he has done and how it points to key problems in marriages. He outlines what makes marriage work (essentially mutual admiration, respect and friendship) and then his key indicators of future divorce, which are almost entirely related to how a couple communicate.

From these he has developed 7 principles that make marriages work, in essence:

1. Knowing and being involved in the details of each others lives
2. Having fondness and admiration for one another
3. Choosing to turning towards each other rather than away from each other
4. Allowing your partner to influence you
5. Being committed to solving solvable problems
6. Overcoming the gridlock of perpetual problems
7. Create shared meaning for life together

Each of these has detailed explanations, examples of marriages doing it well and poorly, and then extensive exercises for a couple to do together. In essence he has written a ‘do-it-yourself’ marriage course for any couple willing to put in the time and effort.

His detailed comments & observations on communication are very helpful. He points out the risk of starting conversations harshly, rather than gently; 4 danger areas he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling); how to manage flooding (emotional overload); and he makes a distinction between problems that you can solve and problems that you have to live with and manage.

It is a secular book so for Christian content you need to go elsewhere, yet his framework is clearly pro-marriage and pro-working at it to make it better. Time after time I found myself writing out quotes from it to remember.

Here are some:

The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honour, and respect each other and their marriage – the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after (p5)

...happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out. (p21) 

The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more profound and fulfilling your lives together will be. (p284)

people with the highest expectations for their marriages usually end up with the highest quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide. (p262)

Not surprisingly, a fair amount of his ideas have made it into our new marriage course.

***
Having re-read this in 2020, I still believe this is one of the best practical books on marriage, with the research to back it up. Gottman provides couples with excellent wisdom and advice, even if the exercises might feel forced for some. Highly recommended for all couples wanting to improve and strengthen their marriage, no matter how strong or weak it currently is. 

Useful

Useful, Debra Oswald

This modern Australian fiction was an enjoyable & interesting read. Sullivan Moss decides that after years of being an unreliable friend, uncommitted husband, useless employee and regular drunk that he is a waste of space and attempts to kill himself. Waking in hospital to find he has failed, he decides on the spur of the moment that his body is still useful and therefore he will donate a kidney. After realising it will take some time to be allowed to donate, as well as needing to prove himself healthy enough in mind and body, he starts to take care of himself, stops drinking and finds a job.

At the same time single-mum and radio producer Natalie’s dad dies leaving a dog to care for. Through mutual friends, Sullivan ends up dog and flat-sitting for her. As they interact, they start to form a friendship.

Through the various interactions with their mutual friends, you see the history that has brought them both to where they are now. There are some sad and harsh figures along the way who drink & swear too much and sleep around, however they are fully in character and quite believable.  Unlike the depressing awfulness of The Slap, whose characters had no redeeming features or any positive change, these characters and their relationships are slowly changed for the better. Spanning about a year, it charts well the ups and downs of friendships and relationships and towards the end there were some twists and turns I really didn’t expect.  It is set in Sydney and much of it I could visualise.  I never know if that’s good thing for people who have no connection with a setting, but I liked it.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read.  Oswald has been involved with writing many Australian TV dramas, has authored numerous plays and also a number of kids’ fiction books.  This appears to be her first adult fiction.  I hope she writes more.

Ten conversations you must have with your son

Ten conversations you must have with your son, Dr Tim Hawkes

This is a sensible and helpful book with lots of good ideas. Hawkes is a father, and has also been an educator of boys for 35 years as a teacher and headmaster. You quickly realise he has had a lot of exposure to young men over the years and the things we should be teaching them, in schools and in society, but most of all in the home.

He starts with outlining why we want to engage in conversation with our sons, somewhat obvious, but no doubt it needs to be pointed it. Then what we should be talking about and how we could go about doing so.

Each following chapter outlines the 10 major topic areas we should be planning to address with our sons over the course of their adolescence. Most are aimed at the teenage level, but can be adapted to suit younger boys and indeed young men who still need to learn. They are:

1. You are loved – and the ways we can demonstrate love to them.
2. Identity – how we help them to discover who they really are.
3. Values – part of realising who you are is determining what it is you stand for.
4. Leadership (or taking responsibility). All of us have power, what matters is how we choose to use it.
5. Living together – this includes living with compassion and kindness in the home and also in society at large.
6. Achievement - helping to think through how we value achievement, but also helping them to think about what they want to achieve in life, careers, etc.
7. Sex – how to think about sex, love, wise choices, consequences and values in this area.
8. Money – practical money management from the beginnings of savings, investing and giving right through to teaching about credit, debt, home loans, etc.
9. Health – how to instill good habits and knowledge about caring for your body and brain: sleep, healthy food, no drugs, wise alcohol use, etc.
10. Coping – helping to develop resilience and persistence, especially through occasions of failure, divorce or death.

Most of what he has to say is very helpful and there are many practical suggestions along the way for how to talk about it, and specifics you might want to address. Much of it is common sense, but still helpful to enunciate. There were things that might not be crucial knowledge by the age of 18, but useful to know later in life – such as older men’s health issues, detailed financial matters and how things work when someone dies (wills, executors, etc).

Many will read it and realise they are talking about some of these issues already, some may think “oh, we need to address that now!” or perhaps “we can leave that one for a little longer”. I have found this book (and others like it) have helped me to think about the vast range of things we want to teach our children and to break it down into manageable chunks. In fact we are that process at the moment - developing a list of the things we want to teach our children by the time they are 18.

I felt there were a few minor things that detracted from it. It was longer than it needed to be, he often mentions that we should teach our kids using the stories of others, and then includes some details of such stories.  It was not enough detail to share it with your son properly, but enough to make the sections seem a little long.  Many of them were also military stories, which will only appeal to some parents and children. 

It is written from an atheist or multi-faith perspective, and it will appeal to a wider audience as a result. For those of who clearly follow the Christian faith, it means you will have to adjust it to suit what you are teaching in the home. Of course we do that with everything, so that is not a major challenge.

The only other thing that struck me as I read it was that these are the same 10 conversations I will also be having with my daughters, perhaps with the application varied a little along the way. There is, however, value in thinking about these issues specifically for a son and what we want him to know and learn to become a man, in the true and honourable sense of the word.

Siblings Without Rivalry

Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich

I have no idea where the recommendation came from for his book, but it was a good one!

Some of you will be dealing with major sibling rivalry issues in your homes whether it is toddlers not coping with new babies, teens picking at each other non-stop, or kids causing actual physical harm to each other. For others it may not be a current live issue. Either way this book is worth reading for all parents who have or hope to have more than one child.

Faber and Mazlich have written a clear, quick to read book with lots of practical ideas and suggestions. It was originally written in 1987, but a review and addendum have been added in the 2012 version.   It is all still very relevant today.

They have written it to mirror a series of workshops they held, so each chapter addresses a specific topic, describing it with specific examples; then shares ways for parents to manage it including details and suggestions; and then gives feedback from parents as they tried to implement the ideas.

Some of the key ideas were:

• Help children to identify & acknowledge their feelings they have, and then validate these feelings. Enabling a child to identify anger, rejection, isolation, unfairness, etc, and showing we understand can take a lot of heat out of emotional responses. Part of this is helping children find words for emotions, not downplaying or overemphasising the emotions they have, and assisting them to find helpful and constructive ways to manage them.
• Avoid comparisons between children. Both praise and discipline can be dealt with without comparison to anyone else. Praise a child for their achievement in an area because they have learnt something as part of growing up. Call them to a standard of behaviour because that’s how we live in this family (not because their brother does it well).
• Avoid assigning roles. Parents, siblings and children all can assign family members to roles – the baby of the family, the smart one, the musical one, the artistic one, the responsible one. Some children take on the roles they are assigned with burden, others flee the roles they are given, but most roles run the risk of pigeonholing a child’s character or opinion about themselves: “I am not the smart one”, “I have to be the responsible one”, etc, without showing them the opportunities they could have if they saw themselves differently.
• How to deal with fighting. Essentially this was about giving children the skills to solve their problems between themselves, while laying down family groundrules for behaviour, and ensuring no one is in physical or emotional danger.

The emphasis on personal stories, anecdotes and cartoon illustrations makes the application come alive for the reader, as you immediately think how you could implement the same concepts in your family. Also, many of the examples and illustrations are from adults reflecting on their own childhood and the sibling rivalry issues they experienced. The memories of these times remain strong well into the adult years. We should all think about our own childhood experiences in these areas and how it affects the way we parent our children on the same issues.

I came away from it with some personal challenges:

• To keep prioritising one-on-one time with each child.
• To keep having family discussion regularly – a family meeting time.
• To beware of casting our children into roles.
• To work at validating their feelings rather than succumbing to the temptation to gloss over them.

This reads as a bit of a dry review (the older our kids get the less keen I am to include specific examples from our family as I don’t feel I am honouring them by revealing our own family details), but I assure you the book is anything but dry, it’s full of anecdotes and sensible, easy to implement ideas. If you have kids, you and they will benefit from you reading this one!

Inside Out

This new Disney Pixar animation was a winner with all five of us when we saw it last week. Told through the emotions of an 11 year old girl, Riley - we hear the perspectives of the 5 major feelings she has: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear, all who control her brain headquarters. Throughout a happy childhood with a strong family, good friends, fun playing ice hockey and general fun times, Joy has ruled the roost until now. She has helped the other feelings find moments of happiness and tried to downplay all the sadness, anger, fear, etc.

But when Riley’s family moves to San Francisco, everything is turned upside down. Joy gets accidentally locked out of the brain control room with Sadness, and the rest of the movie is then trying to get back to Headquarters where Anger, Fear and Disgust are trying to keep things running smoothly. At the same time we see Riley trying to cope with her world changing – house, school friends and how she is managing (or not) with it all.

The movie makers have done an excellent job of illustrating each of the five feelings, from Joy’s yellow spiky cheerful nature, to Sadness’s dumpy blue, red Anger’s fiery head when provoked, Fear’s angular anxiousness at everything and green Disgust’s distaste at the general world. Adults and children will recognise and associate with each easily. Even more impressively was how they manage to explain in an understandable way how the mind works: how memories are made and stored, how imagination works, our subconscious, dreams, etc. For the majority of us with no specific knowledge in this area, this is probably as good a representation as we are likely to get that we can comprehend and later recall. We have referred to it as a family in the last week to illustrate a point, such as how a memory fades or imagination works.

Kids watching this will be helped to realise that the emotions they feel are real: true joy at points, yet also true sadness and hurt along the way.  We also see that as we get older emotions are more often complex and multilayered: some memories are happy and sad; and anger, fear and disgust can help us out at times. For me, one of the best aspects of the story line was that it was the strength of her family relationship that held it all together at the end.

The main point of correction we talked about afterwards was that the feelings inside you don’t control you. When my daughter said: “Anger pushes the button and that’s why you get angry”, we thought “uh oh, no – not at all!” So we talked about how that is not the case: your feelings don’t control your reactions, rather you are in control of your reactions. It’s normal and natural to have feelings of fear, anger, sadness and so on, but how you choose to act on them is always your decision. It led to yet another discussion about self-control and how we are always responsible for our reactions, a conversation we seem to be having often at the moment!

I highly recommend seeing this one with your kids. All three of ours (ages 12, 10, & 7) enjoyed it and it provoked good discussion afterwards.

Growing Yourself Up

Growing Yourself Up, Jenny Brown

For years I have been hearing glowing reports about this book. Good friends have benefitted greatly from it and my husband’s organisation has used it in training sessions for improving both team and family relationships.  Brown has taken on board Bowen family systems theory, which investigates how individual maturity affects our relationships.  Because all of us exist in relationships, be they with children, parents, spouses or work colleagues, our individual level of maturity will directly affect the maturity of these relationships.  Essentially the idea is: you need to take responsibility for yourself and manage your own growth, and in doing so, you will see benefits in your relationships.

Part of that is seeking to understand the family you were brought up in and how that influenced you. However she is very much about taking responsibility for yourself.  There is no blaming how you turned out on your parents, but rather recognising that all of us need to grow in maturity no matter how positive our negative the influences on us were.

“As you begin to think about your family experience you might be casting culpability in your parents’ direction.  Before pointing the blame finger, pause to consider the place each parent held in their family: how were their pathways to maturity shaped by how their own parents related to them and by the challenges their family faced?... Our mothers and fathers came out of their own families with a level of tolerance for upset, discord, involvement and demands.  In turn this played out in their marriage and the reactions to each of their children.  None of us, or our parents, has any say in the hand of maturity cards we are dealt as part of the inheritance of generations of families” (p40)

Then she works through the phases of adult life: leaving home, singleness, marriage, sex and parenting and how making decisions to grow your own maturity will reap great benefit for yourself and those around you.  As we are closely looking at a numbers of aspects of marriage and parenting at the moment, those sections were most relevant to me.

“The central challenge in staying mature in a marriage is to find the balance between being a separate person and being a connected person.  Staying separate is about managing your anxieties, addressing your own insecurities and changing the irresponsible aspects of your behaviour in your marriage…  Staying connected is about communicating and acting in ways to strengthen the intimacy you committed to in choosing to get married” (p86-7)

She also addresses relationships outside the family in the workplace and how developing a mature belief system can add to our overall maturity.  The later sections of the book deal with challenging times (separation/divorce and illness) and then working towards maturity though midlife, ageing and facing death.

All in all, it’s a very helpful book.  Because I had heard it so glowingly praised, I came to it with very high expectations.  The content is excellent and the principles well worth implementing, but it does require concerted concentration to read and digest.  None of us can claim to be fully mature in ourselves or in our relationships, so we can all benefit from implementing the principles she presents and then reminding ourselves of them on a regular basis.

Crazy Busy

It’s hard to believe it’s over 4 years ago that I read The Busy Christian Guide to Busyness and blogged through it in such detail. I know at the time I learnt a lot and was challenged in a number of ways.

We are in a less intense life stage at the moment, and I am feel I am less ‘crazy busy’. Even so, I really enjoyed the chance to stop and think about it all again. The reality is that we do live in a crazy busy world and even if at various points it is manageable, it can quickly fall apart, and there are many around us who are struggling.

This is a shorter book that The Busy Christian’s Guide. Obviously that means less can be covered in detail, but it is a very helpful read and one that will challenge you on many levels.

DeYoung’s outline has 3 dangers to avoid, 7 diagnoses to consider and 1 thing you must do.

His theory is that the 3 main dangers we face are spiritual:

• Busyness can ruin our joy – we are crushed by the daily grind of life
• Busyness can rob our hearts – we are consumed by the cares of this world
• Busyness can cover up the rot in our souls – there will be sins we never have time to consider

The bulk of the book is the 7 diagnoses of busyness to consider. All of these are very helpful and some will be more relevant that others at various life stages. All I found challenging in various ways.

1.  We are beset with many manifestations of pride that come out in busyness. There were many ideas here: people pleasing, performance evaluation, proving myself, pity, poor planning, power, perfectionism (yes, they were all ‘p’s!). A helpful analysis of many of our motivations or excuses for busyness.

2. We are trying to do what God does not expect. This is a useful idea for those who think they have to do everything, respond to every request, and be all things to all people.

3. We can’t serve others without setting priorities. This was the most helpful chapter for me personally. Both the idea that you have to set priorities to serve effectively because you cannot do it all, which includes setting posteriorities (the things you should not do! This guided me to think about some things I really should not be putting time into). And secondly, the idea that you must allow others to set their own priorities, and that is up to them to manage and for you to respect.

4. We need to stop freaking about the kids. The idea that much crazy busyness comes from either worrying about the kids or running ragged trying to give them everything.

5. We are letting the screen strangle our soul. We are never alone, we don’t set boundaries with technology and have time away from technology. How’s this for a comparison: the digital age is like a giant room, where everything is happening around us, we can see it and experience it. For a while, we love it. After a while, we may want to take a break from it, but no-one else is leaving and they all want us to stay.

“Like Tolkien’s ring, we love the room and hate the room. We want to breathe the undistracted air of digital independence, but increasingly the room is all we know. How can we walk out when everyone else is staying in? How will we pass our time and occupy our thoughts without the unceasing tap, tap, tap? For many of us, the Web is like the Eagles’ Hotel California: we can check out any time we like, but we can never leave.” (p84)

6. We need to rest before we wreck ourselves. Here he addresses the need for leisure, holidays, days off and sleep.

7. We find busyness hard because we don’t want life to be hard. Here he says we are actually supposed to be busy, and if we struggle we that, it’s possibly because that it’s a small part of the cross we have to bear. Life is messy, people take time, serving comes at a cost. Surely busyness is part of life.

His conclusion – the one thing we must do – is devote time to Jesus. Spend time in bible reading and prayer. Make it an absolute priority.

“If you are sick and tired of feeling so dreadfully busy and are looking for a one-point plan to help restore order to your life, this is the best advice I know: devote yourself to the word of God and prayer… no single practice brings more discipline and peace to life than sitting at the feet of Jesus. “ (p113)

I'll leave DeYoung with the final word on this very helpful book:

“It’s not wrong to be tired. It’s not wrong to feel overwhelmed. It’s not wrong to go through seasons of complete chaos. What is wrong – and heartbreakingly foolish and wonderfully avoidable – is to live a life with more craziness that we want because we have less Jesus than we need.” (p118)