Ready or Knot?

Ready or knot? Scott Kedersha

I’ve been looking for a new book to replace our standard recommended reading for a couple who is newly engaged. Finally, I think I've found it.

Scott Kedersha has provided an excellent resource for couples considering marriage. He addresses 12 topics to think about and work through together, covering pretty much everything I want addressed (and that we do in our own marriage preparation with couples). These include: the purpose of marriage, communication, having faith as your foundation, personality differences, family of origin, sex, financial stewardship, friendship, biblical roles, children and church community. Each chapter finishes with questions for each individual, questions to discuss together, and a prayer to pray together as you continue to work through the issue.

Kedersha seems eminently qualified, having run a marriage ministry for 13 years in Texas and having helped thousands of couples prepare for marriage. Each chapter is founded on scripture, is clear and very relevant. Published last year it is also up to date, and addresses issues older books don’t deal with as well, such as challenges of technology and the potential impact of previous sexual experience and pornography on a marriage. Each chapter includes an extended illustration of one couple and how they have managed that issue in their marriage. This gave a personal voice to the content, and will help starry-eyed couples see what challenges they may face down the track. I appreciated that these weren’t sugar-coated, there were couples who had had affairs, struggled with anger and had hopes dashed. But all came to be confronted by the grace of God in their lives and were able to enact real change.

He flags that as couples work through things, they will need consider whether an issue is a green light (proceed to marriage), orange light (reconsider, postpone, work on things), or red light (time to walk away). One potential red light issue he flagged was a partner who never asks for forgiveness. Very insightful.

I have a mental list of topics I would like to see covered in pre-marriage books. Things like: how to manage technology use, couples who were already sleeping together, what physical boundaries to consider while engaged, what friendships with the other gender might look like once married, considerations over having children, and contraception. I was thrilled to see each of these and many more covered.

There were a few minor things that could have been better. There was one very poor biblical reference to Rev 2:4-5, where Jesus rebukes the church for forgetting their first love (him), which Kedersha uses to say you have to keep the fun activities you enjoyed early on and keep doing them later in marriage. I would have liked to see him raise the red light issue if you have concerns regarding your partner’s anger or any violence. And in the chapter on biblical roles, he did not address decision-making. We find the majority of couples think headship and submission comes down to decision-making and I would have liked to see him address this oversimplification. 

While I appreciated the breadth of topics he discussed, the real strength is the way he addressed them. All were designed to bring you back to Christ, and what it means to serve him in your marriage both biblically and practically. This book will assist many engaged couples thoughtfully assess how they want their marriage to honour God and each other.

The Madness of Crowds

The Madness of Crowds: Gender, Race and Identity, Douglas Murray 

You may recall I read some books on racism earlier in the year, White Tears / Brown Scars and Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race. Both prompted me to think through current issues and language, such as white privilege, white guilt, structural racism, intersectionality, etc.

I then turned to Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility, and at this point started to feel uneasy. I chose not to review her book here, but after some research realised it’s not just me who felt uncomfortable with it. She is a white woman who runs diversity seminars. Her premise is that all white people are racist, we live in a white supremacy world, with our white fragility and an unwillingness to face our racism. Her book keeps us all of us our place: we cannot learn or change, you have to live with your guilt, fragility and privilege.

I felt it was time to explore some other writing, so after enjoying Ben Elton’s fictional exploration into identity politics, I turned to Douglas Murray’s analysis in The Madness of Crowds.

I could give a very detailed review, as I wrote copious notes and highlighted many sections. Instead, I’ll give some overarching summary comments, including quotes, so you can decide whether or not you want to read it for yourself. I realise this is still quite long as is.

Personally, I highly recommend reading it.

He asserts there are four main tripwires now laid across culture, which he titles:

• gay 
• women 
• race 
• trans 

He addresses each in depth, starting from why they have come to the fore, but at the same time pointing out the illogical nature and antagonistic attitude behind much of today’s discourse.

“Among the things these issues all have in common is that they have started as legitimate human rights campaigns. That is why they have come so far. But at some point all went through the crash barrier. Not content with being equal they have started to settle on unsustainable positions such as ‘better’.”

He then notes, “each of these issues is infinitely more complex and unstable than our societies are currently willing to admit. Which is why, put together as the foundation blocks of a new morality and metaphysics, they form the basis for a general madness. Indeed a more unstable basis for social harmony could hardly be imagined.”

It’s a brave man who chooses to dip his toe in these muddy waters. But his analysis is timely, logical, helpful and does not hesitate to draw out the inconsistencies of positions that we are presented with.

“We are going through a great crowd derangement. In public and in private, both online and off, people are behaving in ways that are increasingly irrational, feverish, herd-like and simply unpleasant. The daily news cycle is filled with the consequences. Yet while we see the symptoms everywhere, we do not see the causes.”

He believes the cause is because all our grand narratives have collapsed. Religion and politics no longer tell the story, and postmodernity suggested there wasn’t one.

So, people find meaning by engaging in “new battles, even fiercer campaigns and ever more niche demands. To find meaning by waging a constant war against anybody who seems to be on the wrong side of a question which may itself have just been reframed and the answer to which has only just been altered.”

He examines how the world is now interpreted through three lenses: social justice, identity group politics and intersectionalism, which he notes is “probably the most audacious and comprehensive effort since the end of the Cold War at creating a new ideology.”

Woven throughout the book are overarching comments and arguments, including:

1. The way we treat each other and impute motive:

“The manner in which people and movements behave at the point of victory can be the most revealing thing about them. Do you allow arguments that worked for you to work for others? Are reciprocity and tolerance principles or fig-leaves? Do those who have been censored go on to censor others when the ability in is their own hands?”

“Which leads to a question that everybody in genuinely diverse and pluralistic societies must at some point ask: ‘Do we take other people at face value, or do we try to read behind their words and action, claim to see into their hearts and the divine the true motives which their speech and actions have not yet revealed?”

2. Hardware vs software 

He returns to this distinction in each category, and how thinking has changed around it. For example, gender was always thought to be a hardware issue, you are born male or female. However, with the trans movement, someone can declare themselves to be a woman even while being biologically male, thus turning the perception of gender in a a software issue.

3. The politicisation of each position

Each section refers to the political nature of each issue, to the extent that if you aren’t on the ‘right’ side of the debate, you can be outed from that position. eg, a gay man who was told he could not be truly gay, because he supported Trump.

“…may be among the biggest issues of all. It is whether being gay means that you are attracted to members of your own sex, or whether it means that you are part of a grand political project.”

4. Claims of each have moved beyond equality, to that proponents of each are somehow now ‘better’ than others 

“just one of the contradictory settlements that we have landed on … the one that simultaneously insists that women are in every meaningful way exactly the same as men, possessing the same traits and competencies and able to challenge them on the same turf at any time. Yet simultaneously, magically, they are better than men. Or better in specific ways.”

5. Intersectionality 

“To say that intersectionality has not been thought through is an understatement. Together with its other faults it has not been put to the test in any meaningful way for any meaningful length of time. It has the most tenuous basis in philosophy and has no major work of though dedicated to it. … it would ordinarily be deemed presumptuous, not to say unwise, to try to roll out that concept across an entire society, including every educational institution and every profitable place of business.”

6. The impact of technology

“What all these waves have inadvertently demonstrated is the deranging effects that social media can have not just on a debate but on a movement.

He notes the power that Silicon Valley have to make the world think like they do:

“on each of the maddening issues of our time - sex, sexuality, race and trans - the Valley know what is right and is only encouraging everyone else to catch up”

7. Forgiveness

One final area which I thought was particularly insightful were his interlude comments on forgiveness. This echoes Tim Challies’ comments almost 10 years ago, noting the eternality of information online, “can a world that never forgets be a world that truly forgives”.

His comments on the loss of faith here are instructive:

“As one of the consequences of the death of God, Frederick Nietzsche foresaw that people could find themselves stuck in cycles of Christian theology with no way out. Specifically that people would inherit the concepts of guilt, sin and shame but would be without the means of redemption which the Christian religion also offered. Today we do seem to live in a world where actions can have consequences we could never have imagined, where guilt and shame are more at hand than ever, and where we have no means whatsoever of redemption. We do not know who could offer it, who could accept it, and whether it is a desirable quality compared to an endless cycle of fiery certainty and denunciation.”

***

These are some of the overarching thoughts across the four tripwires he discussed. For more detail on how he addresses each issue, I suggest you read the book. He uses a lot of anecdotes and stories to make his case, and of course the ones chosen illustrate his points perfectly. Stories from the other side would have helped balance some of his argument, for it is true that there are times when women, gay, trans and people of colour have been treated appallingly. However, he is not arguing they have not, but rather the pendulum has swung so far the other way.

His final chapter turns to some solutions, which is only the start of a way forward. His suggestions include inclining towards generosity, recognising where this all may be going and depoliticising our lives. Like many of these types of books, Murray has done an excellent job of identifying the issues, but struggles to propose a helpful, practical way forward for the average person. Perhaps that it because we are still in the middle of it all.

Or perhaps, that is because we do need a meta-narrative to hold our society together. One that values all people. One that considers we are all wonderfully made. One that knows that we all err and fail, yet mercy and true forgiveness can be found. One that calls us to love our God and love our neighbour as ourself. One that extends grace and generosity to one another with a desire to understand and be unified by our common humanity. That’s a meta-narrative worth exploring.

Victoria: The Queen

Victoria: The Queen Julia Baird

After dipping my toe into the historical fiction Victoria by Daisy Goodwin, I was keen to read more about her. So I turned to Julia Baird’s detailed biography.

It was a great read. Baird writes clearly and engagingly, covering large amounts of content, but making it eminently readable. 

I was pleased to have read the Goodwin one first, as I was covering familiar ground for the first few chapters. This enabled comparison between the accounts, but also meant I was familiar with the people present in the young Queen’s life.

This is a solid read and a large book that covers her whole life in detail (although for those that are alarmed by the size of the book, almost half is notes and references). Apparently it’s a challenge to research Victoria for although she wrote thousands of pages of journals and letters over the course of her life, her children and others severely edited them, sanitising much of the content.

"Beatrice, Victoria’s daughter… had been charged with the unfortunate task of editing the queen’s voluminous diaries. She did this over ten years, writing them out in her own hand into blue copybooks and burning the originals, in one of the greatest acts of historical censorship of the century."

So, it’s hard to be sure of the facts. Baird has spend hours in document research, and tries to draw conclusions about facets of Victoria’s life that have been ignored by others, most notably her later very close friendship with John Brown.

Victoria is a fascinating character study. In a time where women where viewed as the property of husbands, could not vote and were rarely considered having opinions worth hearing, Victoria became Queen at 18 and ruled an empire for 64 years. As Baird notes:

"When Victoria was born, food was cooked in open fireplaces, horses carried messages, half of the population was illiterate and a narrow band of property owners were the only ones with political power. By the end of her life in 1901, people travelled by subway, telegraphs shot messages across oceans, education was compulsory, and women had some basic rights."

Her great love was Albert, although she was only married to him for just only 21 years (he died in his mid 40s). Over that time they had nine children. Baird does bring her own interpretive note here at a number of points. One I found unnecessary was that “In the most conventional of senses, Victoria has procured herself a wife. [The Prime Minister Lord] Melbourne was her intellectual companion and Albert was her object of desire.” For many years, it seems that Albert essentially functioned as king, which makes some sense considering the years she would have spent pregnant and recovering from childbirth. Yet, Baird also observes that she ceded much to Albert, losing much of her own strength over those years, which really only rallied when she was again on her own:

“She had forgotten her own colossal strength. It lay dormant for years as she worshipped and relied on her ailing, driven husband.”

This is not only an account of Victoria and those closest to her, woven throughout are the events of the time, how they impacted England and the world, and other notable people living during the same period. She worked with ten prime ministers, some very well and some very cantankerously. Her children went on to marry into many of the royal houses of Europe. There were moments of great progress and triumph, as well as wars where many lives were lost. This is really a telling of the history of England in the 19th century, through the lens of the monarch.

Well worth reading, especially, if like me, you know very little about Victoria and her time.

Digital Minimalism

Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport

(This is a longish review - feel free to skip to the bold parts to see the main outline) 

In this interesting and thought-provoking book, Newport makes a case for digital minimalism:

"A philosophy of technology use in which you focus your online time on a small number of carefully selected and optimised activities that strongly support things you value, and then happily miss out on everything else."

Part 1 outlines the philosophical underpinnings of digital minimalism, argues why it’s the right solution, and what a digital declutter would look like.

He starts by considering the uneven playing field we are now on with technology, as tech companies use two forces to encourage behavioural addiction: intermittent positive reinforcement and the drive for social approval.

"We’ve been engaging in a lopsided arms race in which the technologies encroaching on our autonomy were preying with increasing precision on deep-seated vulnerabilities in our brains, while we still naïvely believed that we were just fiddling with fun gifts handed down from the nerd gods."

He notes the issue is control:

"current unease with new technologies is not really about whether or not they’re useful. It’s instead about autonomy. We signed up for the services and bought these devices for minor reasons… And then found ourselves, years later, increasingly dominated by their influence, allowing them to control more and more of how we spend our time, how we feel and how we behave."

Digital minimalism is based on three core principles:

1. Clutter is costly 
2. Optimisation is important 
3. Intentionality is satisfying 

His proposal is a digital declutter: a 30-day break from the optional technologies in your life, clarifying that it’s optional unless its temporary removal would harm or significantly disrupt the daily operation of your professional or personal life. During that time, explore other pursuits and interests that you enjoy and find meaningful. At the end, you consider which technology to reintroduce, asking three questions as you do so:

1. Does this technology directly support something that I deeply value? 
2. Then, is this technology the best way to support this value? 
3. Then, how am I going to use this technology going forward to maximise its value and minimise its harm? 

(I am still in the middle of my 30 day break from Facebook and Instagram, and have thoroughly enjoyed it)

Part 2 provides a framework for adopting a sustainable digital minimalism lifestyle if you decide it’s right for you, with many practical suggestions. He has four particular practices you might consider:

1. Spending time alone. He notes that many operate in a state of solitude deprivation: where you spend close to zero time alone with your own thoughts and free from input from other minds.

In avoiding solitude, he observes “you miss out on the positive things it brings you: the ability to clarify hard problems, to regulate your emotions, to build moral courage, and to strengthen relationships. If you suffer from chronic solitude deprivation, therefore, the quality of your life degrades.”

Some practices he suggests here are leaving your phone at home (or at least tucked away and hard to get out), go for long walks (on your own, no music or headphones), and to write things down (journaling thoughts, etc).

2. Avoid all low quality communication, and instead prioritise actual conversation.

Suggestions here are: don’t click ‘like’ or make online comments ever, manage texting within set times, and set conversation hours. Here is where you start to think about the principles rather than the suggested practice. I couldn’t make a set time for conversation work - it doesn’t account for other people’s availability, but I already schedule phone calls with friends in advance via text. Or, I meet a friend for a walk, enabling purposeful time together. I don’t have text threads with no purpose, although with teenagers I can see how they might benefit from limiting texting to more purposeful conversation.

3. Reclaim leisure, being purposeful with how you spend your extra time. He has three ideas here:

1. prioritise demanding activity over passive consumption 
2. use skills to produce valuable things in the physical world 
3. seek activities that require real world, structured, social interactions. (While he explored clubs and gyms, my mind naturally and immediately went to Christian communities) 

Suggestions include: fix or build something every week, schedule your low quality leisure, join something, make leisure plans for the week and the seasons.

4. Join the attention resistance. This is where he got more practical in taming tech use. Practical ideas included: deleting social media from your phone, reducing apps and websites (turning them off as standard), managing social media access with precision, embracing slow media (eg read the newspaper rather than nonstop headlines), and dumbing down your smartphone (or actually changing to a dumb phone).

With lots of these, I felt these options were simplified, so while a helpful starting point, there were numerous other ways you could make it work for you.

I have several reflections. 

There are helpful insights into what we have lost in the hours wasted with low value online experiences, whether its flicking through social media, scrolling news sites, binge watching Netflix, or texting in never ending but empty streams of conversations. Ironically, as he points out, no one who spends hours a day on Facebook would ever have the time to develop something like Facebook.

He’s identified a middle-class first-world problem: having enough free time to waste online. But even more than that, it seemed even more elite. How much of this is a problem for those who can afford iPhones, have time to spare and waste, have time and money when not online to devote to leisure pursuits, and who aren’t encumbered by the burden of long working hours and family life. We may bemoan the hours wasted online, but do we stop and give thanks to God that we have the time, money and privilege to have the option to do so (even if we need to reconsider how we use it)?

The author is a tenured college professor and it felt like it. That’s not to dismiss his wisdom, but to see it’s place. He uses the thinking of Thoreau, the practices of Benjamin Franklin and the choice of solitude by Abraham Lincoln as entry points to consider our practices today. Some suggestions reflected a lifestyle with great flexibility, and a fair amount of free time. He can go for long walks daily to encourage solitude, he can decide when he is available for conversations and limit himself to those hours, and can invest in leisure projects.

I assumed he must be single, because there was no consideration of what digital minimalism might look like in a family setting. No thoughts about how to consider these things with a partner or with children who are also navigating the online space, or making such decisions in a household with differing ideas and values in this area. Many recommendations struck me as suiting someone with few ties and much flexibility. (Yet the acknowledgements thank his wife and three children).

I found myself wondering, what does the digital minimalism look like for the Christian? I guess it depends on its purpose. If you step back from online pursuits to fill your life with woodwork and long walks, you are still not really fulfilling God’s call to love him and your neighbour (although you may be happier and less stressed). There could be great value in digital minimalism if you turn to further glorify God, to serve others, and to consider the state of your own heart. One risk of the clutter of a busy online life is we cannot focus on God and how he calls us to live. Newport does suggest that humans are made for more than this empty online life. I agree, we were made for so much more: a deep and abiding relationship with our creator and the people he has made. Any change to our digital lives that fosters that is well worth considering.

Fredrik Backman

I have discovered a wonderful writer recently, Fredrik Backman, a Swedish author and blogger. 

First was Beartown, set in a rural town in Sweden, where ice hockey reigns supreme. Everything in town revolved around it: the junior teams right up to the A-team, the sponsors, the board, the coaches and all the supporters. Backman spends the first third of the book setting the scene and does so marvellously. You meet the players of the junior team, their parents, the coaches, discover some backstory and how the town operates. For those that have seen it, the parallels with Friday Night Lights was striking. There is a slow relentless build to something major happening, and one night after a team win, it does. Once a crime is reported, the town splits. Do you protect the team and the players, do you close ranks and protect the club, or do believe the victim and what they have said? Do you bully others into seeing things your way, or perhaps do you figure out what it means to stand up for someone else? A totally compelling read with great insight into communities, the complexities of relationships, people, and how they act, for better and for worse. He has wonderful comments on teenage friendships, parents and the love they have for their children (excusing all manner of things), and how an obsession with sport can create and destroy community. 

The follow up to Beartown is Us Against You. I won’t give detailed information, because you definitely need to read Beartown first, and this immediately follows those events with the same people. The same themes are continued and expanded, and we how much is influenced by the choices that difference people make. A local politician is playing a dangerous game, causing division and conflict, all to orchestrate his own ends. At the same time, the hockey club is struggling, the team is divided, and people’s private lives are brutally exposed for others to excoriate. What is it that brings a town together and what can tear it apart? Just as compelling and insightful as Beartown. 

Then A Man Called Ove. Amusing, sad, and very relatable. Ove is 59, and he lives his life with order and structure, he does things right and knows what should be done. In his mind, the world is full of people who do things lazily, wrongly or carelessly, and it is his job to fix it, or at least complain about it. To those who cross his path, he seems a cranky curmudgeon. Yet, perhaps there is more to Ove than meets the eye. As one neighbour starts to reach out, Ove’s walls are slowly breached, as he is forced to continually help people in need. As the details of his childhood are revealed as well as more about the one person in the world who truly understands him, we start to understand him a little more. While I often will cry in a movie, there are few books that make me teary. The Book Thief was one, and this was another. Beautiful. 

The next two were still strong, but not my favourites. My Grandmother Sends Her Regards and Apologises, tells of 7 year old Elsa and her granny, an eccentric lady who enchants Elsa with her extended fairytales. It becomes apparent to Elsa that the tales aren’t all made up as she gets to know the stories of the people around her. Personally, I found the fairytales distracting, but they were needed to explain the people around Elsa. Britt-Marie Was Here follows a women in Elsa’s block later on. Britt-Marie has spent her life caring for her husband and cleaning, never having any interests of her own. When she is forced to take care of herself and moves to a small backwater called Borg, she discovers she is not only capable, but can find new friends and a sense of purpose. 

Reflecting on these last three I think Backman has real insights into people who might be considered to have various personality disorders, or mental health challenges. He is compassionate and considered, which acknowledging issues. 

 I eagerly await Backman’s new release in 2020.

American Dirt

American Dirt, Jeanine Cummins

This absolutely compelling book is heartbreaking and yet hopeful. I wanted to take my time over it, but couldn’t put it down.

Lydia and her husband Sebastián have lived with eight year old son, Luca, in their hometown of Acapulco their whole lives. But, it has changed in recent years with the rise of a new cartel ruler, La Lechuza, who rules the city.

Sebastián has been targeted as a journalist, and in one afternoon 16 family members have been murdered at a BBQ at her mother’s house, but astonishingly Lydia and Luca are overlooked. Their lives remain in danger, but this man controls the whole region, so where do they go? The police will not act, or may turn her over. No one can be trusted.

So, with few belongings and their life savings in her pocket, they flee the city. She knows they will never be safe in Mexico with the extent of his reach, so they plan their route to el norte to the “Estados Unidos”. (You may also benefit from having Google Maps open at points to chart their course, and occasionally Google Translate to see what some words mean.) They will be pushed to their limits, and tested in ways they never knew possible.

“Trauma waits for stillness. Lydia feels like a cracked egg, and she doesn’t know if she’s the shell or the yolk or the white. She is scrambled.”

“So much has happened that each hour of this journey feels like a year, but there’s something more that that. It’s the bond of trauma, the bond of sharing an indescribably experience together. Whatever happens, no one else in their lives will ever fully comprehend the ordeal of this pilgrimage, the characters they’ve met, the fear that travels with them, the grief and fatigue that eat at them.”

There’s no question this is hard reading. They meet up with two teenage girls along the way, and everything that you would imagine happening to them while they are on the run does. None of the violence is explicitly detailed, but you can imagine the horror of their experience. You are fully exposed to the sinfulness of humanity, yet there are moments when the kindness of others comes through. Churches, pastors and loving people along their route provide safe haven. Some men will protect them. It’s a pretty damning view of Mexico; Cummins notes at the end, in 2017 it was the deadliest country in the world to be a journalist. The nationwide murder rate was the highest on record and most are unsolved, because the cartels operate with impunity. It’s remarkably sobering, and seems an almost unsolvable problem.

As a pastor warns them along the way:

"If it’s possible for you to turn back, do so now…If there is any other place for you to go, to stay away from these trains, to stay away for el norte, go there now…This path is only for people who have no choice, no other option, only violence and misery behind you. And your journey will grow even more treacherous from here….Some of you will fall from the trains. Many will be maimed or injured. Many will die. Many, many of you will be kidnapped, tortured, trafficked or ransomed. Some of you will be lucky enough to survive all of that and make it as far as Estados Unidos only to experience the privilege of dying alone in the desert behind the sun, abandoned by a corrupt coyote, or shot by a narco who doesn’t like the look of you. Every single one of you will be robbed. Every one. If you make it to el norte, you will arrive penniless, that’s a guarantee."

An excellent, challenging and gripping book about what being a migrant on the run might look like.

The New Adolescence

The New Adolescence, Christine Carter

I have greatly benefited from this wise and sensible book by Christine Carter. She notes:

"In a single generation, how we all communicate, create, work, and think has fundamentally changed. But the technological revolution we are living through hasn’t really reshaped the current generation of teenagers as much as it has shaped them to begin with."

The rate of that change has overtaken parents, and so we haven’t been able to keep up with the change of technology and society, meaning “that our world is being re-shaped faster – way faster – than we have yet been able to reshape our parenting. It’s no surprise that the kids are feeling unmoored.”

So, her goal is to provide “a handbook for handbook for helping our kids thrive in an age of accelerated change”, allowing us to adapt as parents to the two major transformations in our families: the developmental transformation of adolescence and the technological transformation of the age we are living in. In using the term adolescents, she includes pre-teens, teens and young adults, and so can cover the age range of 10-25.

Part 1 looks at how to influence your teen without micromanaging them. The best chapter heading is here: This is going to be easier than you think. Thank you Christine! Right away, parents are encouraged rather than depressed or overwhelmed. At a macro level, she says that kids need to be seen, safe and soothed.

She points out that over parenting does not work. You will get fired as their manager, what you want is to be rehired as their coach. Our goal is to allow them to make decisions, and give them the skills to do so.

“The key difference between managing and coaching is that parent-managers rescue their teams from pain, where is parent-coaches see the kids as capable of making choices and solving their own problems. As coaches we can ask questions that help our teen see the possibilities of positive action. Instead of making their decisions for them, we can help them make better decisions for themselves.”

She examines what we can do when they are struggling, and considers ways to help them manage disappointment and stress, which include acceptance of a situation. There is advice about encouraging a positive outlook, through love, gratitude, and thinking positively about the future. I see real echoes here with much of a balanced faith life, we choose to be thankful, we know the grace and love of God and how that helps us in all situations, and we move to others in love looking to help and serve and pulling us a bit outside of ourselves.

She then considers how to influence your teen without being bossy. She encourages finding ways to speak to them while conveying respect and acknowledging they are in control of many things. She notes that our motivations here are actually unified:

“Our adolescents want to feel like competent, well-respected, autonomous adults, and in the end we want our children to be competent, autonomous adults who make choices we respect and admire.”

Part 2 consider three core skills for the digital age: connection, focus and rest.

Connection is about ensuring our kids have real connections, with family, with friends and find meaning for their lives. She notes that the more digitally online they are, the less connected with real people they are.

With focus, there are very helpful comments on how to recognise teen distraction, attempts at multitasking, and how ineffective much of their time is, and then proposes some ways forward for greater productivity and awareness of the challenges to staying on task.

Rest addresses the need for kids to really have downtime and proper sleep. "The best thing that we can teach them to do if they are feeling overwhelmed and time starved is to stop. Remind them what they need more than time is downtime without stimulation." We can teach then not to fear silence or contemplation.

These three chapters were the prompt I needed for discussions with our teens about these areas: they do self manage much of this, while still acknowledging we have input to offer.

Part 3 considers what the sex, alcohol and drugs, and money talks look like in this new era.

The sex talk chapter was excellent, and very direct. She considers the impact of pornography, sexting, gender issues and harassment and assault. Parents need to be ready, willing and proactive to talk about all of these things. I loved her comments regarding consent, for while it is essential, is actually a very low bar, and we should be encouraging people to desire enjoying and mutually satisfying sexual experiences, whenever they enter into such relationships. One piece of advice that was great - encourage young people to talk about what they would like, enjoy, don’t like with a partner - for if you can’t talk about it openly and honestly, you certainly shouldn’t be doing it. Some Christian parents will hesitate with some of her information, but the reality is that many kids are facing these challenges, and even if your own kids aren’t at the moment, their friends are.

The information about alcohol, marijuana, vaping, and other drugs was sensible and balanced and she promotes a policy of no use at all with her teenagers, while giving them the information they need to make choices.

The money chapter included teaching your children how to budget money, to understand credit and debit, and how to many their own finances. There is wisdom in talking about how you value money in your household, and considering what messages they hear from you about money. In a world of rampant materialism, we can point out that money won’t buy you happiness, but it will certainly help with many things that you need. I agree with her comment that regular chores should not be linked to pocket money, because children need to learn to contribute to a household, rather than doing chores to be paid.

Her conclusion is that that connection is what really matters. Not academics, not success, not happiness, but connection. If you have children in or near their teen years, you will greatly benefit from the wisdom here. If you want a taste of her writing, you could check our her blog too.

What Grieving People Wish You Knew

What Grieving People Wish You Knew, Nancy Guthrie

Many of us feel ill-equipped when a friend’s loved one has died. We don’t know what to say, we worry we’ll say the wrong thing, we might offer platitudes that aren’t helpful, or perhaps we avoid the person all together. If we ourselves have not yet walked the road of strong, personal loss, we can be feeling our way with little knowledge or experience.

If you are like me and know you still have a lot to learn in this area, Nancy Guthrie’s book What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) will be of enormous benefit, both humbling you and helping you.

I have previously appreciated Guthrie’s wisdom biblical teaching and wisdom though her devotional Praying the Scriptures for Your Children, and readings for Christmas (Come Thou Long Expected Jesus) and Easter (Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross). Yet, you may not know that she and her husband have experienced their own personal grief, having lost two infant children, leading them to minister to others in grief. She is eminently equipped to write on this topic.

This is an excellent book. I hesitate to say ‘resource’ because we want to view coming alongside people in their grief as a service and a friendship, not a project. Yet, we may still benefit from advice and warnings before we wade in.

Guthrie starts with “what to say (and what not to say)”, making the clearest plea of all - say something. It’s so painful when others do not acknowledge your loss and grief. She walks the reader through numerous suggestions, including:

• Let them take the lead
• Don’t compare 
• Don’t feel the need to fix
• Don’t be in a hurry
• Don’t make it about you
• Listen more than you talk
• Don’t tell them what to do
• Esteem their grief
• Don’t be put off by tears
• Don’t ask potentially painful questions out of curiosity

The next chapter “typical things people say (and what you can say instead)” is honestly heartfelt pointing out how even well-meaning comments can be taken. She’s realistic and gracious noting that people will say the wrong thing, yet encourages readers to apologise where necessary, and keep trying to be helpful. One key thing is to keep using their loved one’s name, to keep talking about them, and being willing to hear about them.

Then she turns to the assumptions that keep us away and what we can do, providing numerous suggestions for how to be practically helpful and get involved without being overbearing. Most of it is being present, being a safe person who actively looks for ways to help, remembering that grief is a long road, and that we support people long term. Of course there is much wisdom needed to know what would be helpful for your friend, and what you are able to do.

She considers the online expression of grief, and acknowledges some people’s choice to grieve via social media and how getting likes or comments can validate their grief. This was a helpful perspective, because I haven’t always been sure how to respond to online expressions of grief. As she also notes, online messages can be an easy way to support people that shows you love and care. Indeed, a friend will notice if you respond to their other posts, but not their grief posts. Part of this is realising that everyone grieves differently, and uses public methods in various ways, so you can let the grieving person drive it.

Guthrie then turns to heaven and reflects on the unhelpful and incorrect things people say. She explores why comments like “they are in a better place”, or “God needed them more than we did” can be hurtful. She clearly outlines what she believes does happen from death to resurrection body, and deals with common lies and misleading platitudes, such as how people become angels when they die or that they are now taking care of us from heaven. Guthrie is candid that sometimes heaven does not feel like enough because it is so far away from where we are now, and truthfully, sometimes we long to see our loved ones more than Jesus in heaven. This chapter had biblical focus and pastoral insight, and aids in us forming a biblical view of heaven, which informs our hope.

She finishes with some questions and answers, with the final one a very honest message to the grieving person about whether they are willing to forgive the people around them who make mistakes with them during their grief.

This is clearly a book about grief related to loss through death. I wondered if there could have been an acknowledgement that not all grief is related to death. There are other griefs one might face in this world including: the grief of people turning away from the Lord, the grief of children that are not as expected or hoped, grief of infertility, and grief over certain circumstances. However, I suspect that would have complicated the subject too much, and would have taken away from the strength of what this book does offer.

As Guthrie has lived this and walked along many others, she speaks with knowledge, wisdom, insight, grace and gentleness. She draws extensively on the comments of others, so you are given a wide range of feedback and insight from dozens of other people’s experience. At about 160 pages, it is a quick read, but not an easy one. Those willing to learn will be greatly helped as they walk beside others in their grief. Highly recommended.

Identity Crisis

Identity crisis, Ben Elton

Ben Elton has yet again proven his skilled, cutting ability to assess and rip into current societal trends (I have briefly mentioned some of his other books here). Nothing is off limits in this mystery which starts with police inspector Matlock reporting the murder of a woman in a London park at night. In a press conference, he suggests that women should be careful at night, and it was a sad case of her being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A media storm ensues, as he is accused of suggesting she is to blame for what happened to her. Bewildered, he makes the requisite apology. Alongside this, various story threads emerge and start to intertwine. There is an impending referendum between England Out and Team UK and both sides are desperately trying to get votes. A reality TV show, Love Island, has had its first case of #ItsNotOK with a female contestant alleging a non-consensual kiss. A transgender person has been killed, and there is uproar over the lack of police awareness, while other people are protesting that the similar death of a young black woman did not get any attention. A female historian is trying to get women of the past acknowledged, and have dead men of history charged for past crimes. Parallel to all this, Maliki, a mathematician in a communications company is becoming increasingly aware of her role in writing the algorithms which spark such reactions.

Considering that subject matter, Elton can comment on both sides of numerous topics through the characters involved: gender and identity issues; feminism, #MeToo and men that reject it; Christians; nationalistic politics; the revision of history (markedly relevant this week); and the ongoing bile and hatred in the online space. Really it’s an opportunity to stick the boot into everyone, pointing out inconsistencies in almost all arguments, especially those conducted online. It is insightful, ironic, and at times laugh out loud funny. But it is also crass, vulgar, and contains all the strong, graphic hate language that is often used in these arguments. It’s appropriate in the context, but some readers may struggle.

To get a feel, I’ll include one longish quote:

"Who were these people, these furious tweeters? 

Matlock never ceased to be amazed at the violence of the abuse. He had met a number of transgender individuals in the course of his duties and without exception they had been polite, considerate and seemingly without any unusual degree of malice. Yet somewhere out in the ether there appeared to be a small group of non-binary people who were in a permanent state of blind fury and a hairtrigger away from taking massive, absolute and unforgiving offence. And of course it wasn’t just transgender people: the same things seem to be the case for all self defining groups, which, in the current identity-focused social landscape, appeared to include absolutely everyone. From men to women. From cis to trans. From new-age Travellers to white supremacists. From vegans to pagans. From Celts to carnivores. From anti-vaxxers to enlightened humanists. From the proudly plus-sized to the assertive anorexics. The long, the short and the tall. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

The entire population appeared to be itching for a fight because everybody else afforded them insufficient respect. At least they were once they got on the net. That was the strange thing. Everyone seemed perfectly normal when you talked to them personally, in the street or on the bus.… But in the virtual social universe of the internet everything had gone completely potty."

It's fiction, but at times seems markedly close to reality. Elton has written an enjoyable, insightful, searing and highly relevant consideration of the world today, in both the online and offline space. 

Fiction mini-reviews

The Clergyman’s Wife, Molly Greeley 

A Pride and Prejudice fan novel (see another by P.D. James here), that follows Charlotte Lucas, who married Mr Collins, the annoying clergyman who would inherit Longbourn (Elizabeth’s childhood home). Greeley has creatively explored what Charlotte’s life would have been like post-marriage with a husband who was earnest, but foolish, under the intrusive patronage of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Charlotte is now a mother, and has struggled to find her place in the parish until a friendship with local farmer Mr Travis develops. I read with some trepidation from here, but I felt that Greeley kept true to the conventions and social requirements of the day. It ended up being a very enjoyable dip back into a similar world to the one Jane Austen created. 

Victoria, Daisy Goodwin 

A very readable historical fiction covering the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign. She was brought up in protected seclusion by her mother and her advisor, Sir John Conroy, who long to control her, but Victoria is determined to forge her own path upon becoming queen at 18. However, she lacks any real knowledge of how to fill that role. Enter Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, who takes her under his wing, teaching her what is required. Victoria is outspoken and strong-minded, and many people around her are convinced she needs a husband to help ‘tame’ her. Yet, are her affections drifting towards the wrong man? It has led me to search for more reading on Queen Victoria, for I suspect she is a fascinating character study. 

Saving Missy, Beth Morrey 

Missy is 79 and completely alone, rattling around her large London family home. Her husband of 50 years is gone, she longs to see her son and grandson, but they’re in Australia, and she’s estranged from her daughter. After chance encounters with two local women, she ends up minding a dog for them, Bobby, which forces her to engage more with her local area and the people in it. As she gets involved in other’s lives, she opens herself up to them as well. Woven throughout the current day events are her memories of her childhood, university days, marriage and years of mothering. There were a few turns along the way that kept both interesting and realistic. A lovely gentle book about a woman finding the value of sharing life with others.

Where did my libido go?

Where did my libido go? Dr Rosie King

Please note: this review contains reasonably direct references to the sexual life of a married couple.

While not universal, it is not uncommon for wives to note that their desire for sex is lower than that of their husband. Australian doctor and sex therapist, Dr Rosie King has written this book to help women understand and address the differences in their sexual desire to that of their partners.

Her aim is to help women and their partners understand:

• How sexual desire works
• How to maximise libido
• How to increase their sexual enjoyment and
• How to create a regular, satisfying sex life even if they have low desire

She identifies the desire complaints she regularly receives, which fall into three categories:

• I don’t want as much sex as I used to
• I want sex, but not with my partner
• I don’t want sex as often as my partner does

She then considers three cornerstones for overcoming low libido, so together with your husband you can work together to:

• Maximise your sexual desire
• Ensure your relationship is happy and healthy
• Make your sexual activity as enjoyable as possible

King then explores the natural range of desire that women feel, and how it can be affected by life circumstances and stages of a relationship. She analyses some of the chemistry and biology behind desire, and what generally are the inhibitors or enhancers of desire for both men and women.

She explores the question that many women ask: “what’s wrong with my libido?”, especially when they compare it to their partner’s. She helpfully explores the following statements:

• For him sex is relaxing, for her it’s hard work
• His desire is robust, for her it’s conditional
• Stress kills off her sex drive, but not his

She explores medicinal options including testosterone therapy, although concludes it should only be used with reasonable caution. She also considers how the media has unhelpfully contributed to the idea that all women should be interested in sex (much of what she is referring to is mainstream media as well as pornography). She notes how the pendulum has swung completely, for pre-1960s it was assumed women were not interested in sex, in fact there were thought odd if they were. Now with the sexual revolution it has gone completely the other way, with the assumption that all women want and get great sex. As she dryly notes, “we have progressed from the Victorian idea of sex as a marital obligation to be endured by women to the modern notion that all women should be sex-crazy.”

She spends some time considering that numerous women in happy relationships are open to sex, and enjoy it when it happens, but rarely pursue it: “they no longer feel levels of lust high enough to motivate them to initiate sex with their partners. This is such a common scenario it must be considered normal.” In this case, often desire comes after arousal, not before, and so changing expectations around desire can help, as “it is not a prerequisite for enjoyable sex”. This is one of the most helpful observations of the book, along with the further explanation and mindset that accompanies it.

She introduces the idea of the pursuer-distancer cycle, and its impacts on a couple. There are helpful analyses here of how both pursuers and distances relate, and what happens when ‘mercy sex’ is granted, when the distancer does not want it but does so out of guilt or other motivations. She encourages both partners to stop blaming and rather establish goodwill, being able to see the situation from both perspectives.

Part 2 turns towards maximising your desire and arousal. When considering desire, she encourages couples to consider the physical, psychological and contextual factors that inhibit their desire, and then turns to relationship and sexual inhibitors, considering ways to address each.

This includes healing your relationship, by fostering goodwill: “Goodwill is the key to a happy relationship and a fulfilling sex life.” There are ways provided to assess your relationship, how much goodwill you have and whether you really need professional help. Then she progresses to ways to increase goodwill, including an attitude of gratitude and appreciation, identifying and avoiding resentment, and communicating love. She considers Chapman’s love languages as well as some of Gottman’s ideas here. Obviously, increasing the overall quality of relationship comes prior to re-establishing a satisfying sex life.

There is a chapter about the male and female bodies, including considering one’s own sex-related inhibitors, with detailed explanations of the form and function of the male and female genitals.

She then works through three things to help:

• Create the right conditions for sex
• Create a strong focus on erotic pleasure (she is open to pornography use here), and there are detailed exercises for individuals and couples to use (there are some similarities here to what Patricia Weerakoon suggests for couples)
• Ensure one is adequately stimulated (she supports fantasy and pornography use)

Part Three turns to balancing your sex drives, and stopping the pursuer-distancer cycle. This will be helpful for couples who are able to communicate about these things. She then consider why we have sex at all, and how to make it easier to say yes to sex, including the concept of good enough sex, being "an enjoyable emotional and physical connection between two people who care for each other".

I don’t tend to read many non-Christian books about sexual intimacy, as there are likely to be numerous things I disagree with or would not recommend. At some points this is the case, including her suggestions to potentially use pornography and fantasy as stimulation, regular use of masturbation for the higher desire partner, a brief comment about the possibility of open marriages (although she acknowledges few people can actually do this) and the suggestion that ‘outercourse’ is a good safe-sex option for teens. But, these are not the main parts of the book, and all her suggestions can be utilised without these options.

However, taking those things into consideration, this is a very helpful book. For those women that experience a ‘desire discrepancy’ from that of their husband, they are likely to find much here to be of help. Whether it’s her honest assessment of some situations (there will be couples who have not have sex for years, and the wife does not want to at all) or her openness about the benefit of change, couples who are stuck in their sexual relationship (or lack of it) may find much of help here.

The Mandibles

The Mandibles, Lionel Shriver

Absolutely captivating, this book had me hooked for a solid few days. And frankly, reading it at the moment, when we are watching economies suffer and change, it was not easy or comfortable.

It’s 2029, and life in America is not so great. Five years ago was the Stonage, when other nations hacked the US power grid and everything, everywhere turned off. That started the decline and inflation that people are now dealing with. As the dollar continues to plummet, and other nations unite to propose a new currency to form the basis of world trade, the President installs dramatic measures - the cancellation of all foreign debt, that all gold in the US in now owned by the government, no US dollars can be removed from the country, and any trade in the new currency (bancor) is prohibited.

To make it personal, these changes are played out in the lives of multiple generations of the Mandible family. Great-grandfather Douglas, now in his nineties, is the controller of the family wealth, earned years ago by inventive forebears and now keeping him in the lap of luxury in an exclusive nursing home. His two children (in their 70s) have been quietly waiting for years to come in their inheritance, but have managed very comfortable lifestyles of their own. The adult grandchildren never relied on the money, but the satisfaction that it was there somehow helped everyone get by. It seems that only one of them, Willing, a fourteen-year-old great-grandchild, is able to grasp the enormity of what is happening, and what they need to do about it.

As the changes enacted by the government filter their way into the community, you see what really happens to people under dire economic breakdown. Persistent inflation, wages no longer cover basic goods, banks reclaim mortgaged homes, and jobs are lost. Mass unemployment, mass homelessness, mass chaos.

Shriver has keen insight into humanity and their varied ways. Some will just get by, some will flee, some will bury their heads in the sand, some will turn to whatever it takes to find some money, and everyone is pushed beyond what they ever thought they would have to deal with.

“Everyone adapts effortlessly to coming up in the world, and improved circumstances always seem well deserved. But going in the opposite direction feels unnatural. What’s really poisonous that it also feels unjust… I’ve never met anyone whose life has taken a sudden turn for the worse who thought a reversal of fortune was just what they had coming to them. The outrage, the consternation, the fury, all of it impotent - well. Setbacks never bring out the best in people.”

As I said, reading this in the midst of Covid-19 made it especially realistic. Chillingly so. There are comments about the stockpiling of toilet paper that could be out of the news of the last month or so. Of course, once all the paper goes, it’s shredding old clothes and sheets that is required to be used with vinegar, thrown out at first and later saved and washed to preserve them. We can be thankful we didn’t get to that (yet?). Another comment points out that since various diseases spread in communities, it is no longer acceptable to hug or even shake hands (sound familiar?!)

About the first three-quarters tells of the unravelling of the American way of life over the first five years. The final part skips ahead 15 years to show what could have happened moving forwards, picking up the stories of the same people.

Throughout Shriver has comments about healthcare, the US government departments, the US interactions with other nations, most notably Mexico and China. There are obviously many observations about economical and monetary places, and I will admit that Husband had to help me out with understanding some of the early changes described.

All in all, an excellent, thought-provoking read.

Refresh

Refresh, Shona and David Murray

“Over many years, and through many struggles, the Lord has … taught me, and is teaching me, how to live a grace-paced life in a world of overwhelming demands.”

Are you overwhelmed? Are you close to, or at, burnout? Is everything just too much? Many women find there is a time in their life where they ask these questions. Shona and David Murray experienced their own burnout, and found refreshment and healing through trust in God’s sovereignty, care and love, and by facing the reality of their over-paced lives and the limits of their physical bodies. This volume for women is a companion to David’s Reset, which husband found very helpful and shared with the men on his staff team. Shona’s own story is one of burnout with young home-schooled children while working as a doctor and with a husband in ministry. Her experience may be unique, but she speaks situations that many of us are familiar with. Refresh includes single women and those without children, but the main focus feels as though it is for married mothers.

I have read this book twice in recent years. Once a few years ago on long-service leave, and now in the middle of Covid-19 isolation. I am not on the brink of burnout, nor am I currently overwhelmed by demands. For me, in many ways this current season has been one of lower output and fewer deadlines. However, it’s been a time to allow for reassessment and reflection. Where might cracks be appearing? How close are we running to the edge? What level of busyness do we want to return to? We watch others around us take stress leave and need professional help, and consider our own frailties at the same time. So, whether you are currently struggling with the pace of your life, or just want to be aware of what the warning signs might be, this book is worth reading.

It is structured around the concept of ten stations at a gym, the first being Reality Check. Murray provides a process for readers to assess their own state, asking questions to flag warning signs in physical, mental, emotional, relational, vocational, moral and spiritual areas. Then you consider how wide, deep and long you have had symptoms in each area. Her analysis is that if you have warning signs in a couple of areas, and particularly in spiritual or moral areas, you need to address things straight away.

She encourages women to analyse their situation and the effects of their lifestyle, noting the main areas of danger which include idolatry, materialism, debt, indiscipline, diet and perfectionism. She starts with a helpful reminder of God as creator, and who he has made us to be as wonderfully amazing, complex and limited humans, who are affected by sin in all areas.

Then comes an exploration of the value of sleep, noting that sleep proves our trust that God is sovereign and that we are finite. I appreciated this chapter for I am increasingly convicted of the theological importance of sleep, and it is something that can often be ignored. Another chapter examines resting, stopping and relaxing, encouraging time out in each day, the week (a day of rest) and the year (vacation). As she notes: “Every Christian wants to know God more; few Christians fight for the silence required to know him”. For those who want to explore rest (but not sleep) in more detail, you might be interested in the recent secular offering: The Art of Rest.

She expounds the need for regular exercise, and also a healthy diet. There is detailed consideration about medication for depression and other mental health issues. Murray is a GP and I found her to be balanced and wise, she concludes it is a blessing of God for those who need it. She encourages women to consider what fills up their tanks and what empties them and to wisely manage both, so that we can find purposely find refreshment and be aware of depletion.

There is time spent thinking about our identity. Both in Christ and as a forgiven sinner; as well as in our relationships, and the unhelpful identities we may give ourselves that may need tweaking. Part of our identity includes acknowledging our weaknesses as well as our strengths and how they are redefined through Christ.

One gym station reflects on the weights we carry through life:

“By the time we are 40, we are carrying mortgage and credit card debt, work problems, husband and children worries, healthy issues, church conflicts, car repairs, and healthcare premiums, and on and on it goes… The weights accumulated imperceptibly; they multiplied a little every year until life slowly yet inexorably crushed us. Now, our minds are frazzled, our hearts are pounding, our bodies are breaking down, our relationships are straining, our sleep is declining, our quality of work is suffering, and our happiness is a distant memory.”

She considers the idea that there are two ways of operating: the well-planned life and the summoned life, challenging women to see that planning, having a purpose and making appropriate decisions are preferable to living entirely in response to circumstances. But we still need to be able to respond to situations, and so we seek balance. To figure out what this might looks like she considers purpose, planning, and pruning, and how purpose is particularly needed in five areas: our spiritual, family, vocational, church and family lives.

Towards the end, there is encouragement for women to prioritise their relationships: with God, our husbands, our children, friends and older women, noting all are important and probably should operate in that order.

I appreciated Murray’s wisdom, grace and honesty throughout. You can tell that she has lived the overwhelmed life and has experienced major burnout and depression. Yet she has learnt from it and found a better way forward. That better way is multifaceted. It is spiritual refreshment and a willingness to sit at our Lord’s feet. It is a recognition that sin plays a part in all aspects of our lives. It is acceptance that we have limited bodies that need care and maintenance. It is allowing our community to come alongside us and be with us in our struggles.

“The key is to grasp that pacing ourselves is biblical, whereas living the fast, frantic life is not. It takes faith to believe that and to follow through with it. To live it is in fact a dying to self – a dying to our self-will, our self-sufficiency, and our self-image. Have you understood frantic living versus grace paced living in that way before?”

Murray offers wise words and advice we would do well to heed.

“God’s calling to each of us is unique, and he takes great delight in us when we serve him in it … He does not demand burnout. He rejoices to see us taking biblical care of the bodily temple he has gifted to us and is delighted when we live conscious of our weakness and in total dependence on his daily refreshing grace.“

A slightly edited version of this was first published on TGCA.

Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race

Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race, Reni Eddo-Lodge

After reading Ruby Hamad’s White Tears/ Brown Scars, and discussing it at length, I was pointed to this book by Reni Eddo-Lodge, a London based journalist who has written a detailed analysis of racism in Britain, both historically and currently. I have hardly spent any time in Britain, and so do not have any personal experience and knowledge of these issues there, but she has written in a clear and compelling way, that even if I do not fully grasp the political structures or geographical references, her points still hit home to a reader outside the UK.

Eddo-Lodge is a black woman who as a 4-year old asked her mother when she would become white, because all the good people on TV were white, but all the villains were brown or black. Through her university years she took a course on black history where she realised how much of the UK’s history ignored the issues of racism and the range of cultures present in the country. Increasingly right wing political agendas were calling for a reduction in immigration, to protect “British people” and their “way of life”. As she dug deeper, she began to realise the depth of structural racism through all facets of British life.

But as she tried to speak about it, she met walls of resistance from white people, refusing to see the issues, or claiming we are post-racism and that we no longer see colour. After years of trying, and meeting walls, blank faces, arguments and white tears (like Hamad), in 2014 she wrote a blog post (also like Hamad), called “Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race”. It was a way to declare that for self-protection, it was no longer worth talking to people that refused to see the problem. Not unsurprisingly, it sparked critique, but also, much more positively, more conversation, both from people of colour agreeing with her comments, but also from many white people keen to understand more and wanting to know what they could do. It is worth spotting her own note that when she talks about white people she doesn’t mean every individual white person but rather whiteness as a political ideology. (p115)

That led to this book. Firstly she covers some of the history of Britain, including the various ways that people of colour came to the country and how racism has been prevalent across the years. She then turns to consider “the system” using detailed examples of police racism, which led to coverups, persecution and miscarriages of justice for many people of colour. This then leads to an analysis of what she terms ‘structural racism’, how racism is intrinsically part of life, and its reaches affect education, job opportunities, housing, income, the way people are treated in the workforce, access to medical care and so on. Yet, it’s often just assumed or ignored, because it’s so part of life: “The covert nature of structural racism is difficult to hold to account.“ (p64)

“Research from a number of different sources shows how racism is weaved into the fabric of our world. This demands a collective redefinition of what it means to be racist, how racism manifests, and what we must do to end it. It seems like black people face a disadvantage at every significant step in their lives.” (p65-66)

She then turns to consider white privilege: “the fact that if you’re white, your race will almost certainly positively impact your life trajectory in someway. And you probably won’t even notice it.... White privilege is dull, grinding complacency. It is par for the course in a world in which drastic race inequality is responded to with a shoulder shrug, considered just the norm.“ (p87)

This chapter also raises some interesting questions about mixed race children and where they find their identity, whether parents actually consider both ethnicities as they raise a child, and the impacts of privilege and racism on that child.

The next chapter then turns to consider “Fear of a black planet”, and the irrational fear that white people have that perhaps one day the tables will be turned on them. As such, she makes some very interesting comments comparing the importance of talking about racism with its often counter-argument: talking about offending people. What happens at that point she says,

"Tackling racism moves from conversations about justice to conversations about sensitivity. Those who are repeatedly struck by racism’s tendency to hinder their life chances are told to toughen up and grow a thicker skin."

As she notes, the conversations need to be had, and we need to encourage free speech. But, as she notes:

“Free speech is a fundamental foundation of a free and fair democracy. But let’s be honest and have the guts to unpick who gets to speak, where, and why. The real test of this country’s perimeters of freedom of speech will be found if or when a person can freely discuss racism without being subject to intellectually dishonest attempts to undermine their arguments. If free speech, as so many insist, includes being prepared to hear opinions that you don’t like, then let’s open up the parameters of what we consider acceptable debate.”

She then considers feminism and introduces the term intersectionality to address the joint issues black women face when delaying with both racism and sexism. Hamad dealt with the intersection between racism and feminism in more depth, but I also appreciated Eddo-Lodge’s analysis here. She finally turns to consider class structure, and how racism in intertwined here as well. There was some detail on London’s housing situation here, which while the details escaped me, was clearly showing the disadvantage people of colour experience when councils ‘gentrify’. She also challenges the idea that more education, or moving up in class will really make any difference:

"Being constantly looked at like an alien in the country you were born in requires true tolerance. I don’t think that any amount of class privilege, money or education can shield you from racism." (p208-209)

The final chapter moves to considerations of how to respond. First she says, the conversation needs to keep being had. When asked, when do you think we’ll get to the end point on this, she says “you can’t skip to the resolution without having a difficult, messy conversation first. We are still in the hard bit.“ (p213). She notes,

“Change is incremental, and racism will exist long after I die. But if you’re committed to anti-racism, you’re in it for the long haul. It will be difficult. Getting to the end point will require you to be uncomfortable." (p214)

I was pleased to see her considerations of what white people can do in the space:

“White people, you need to talk to other white people about race. Yes, you maybe written off as a radical, but you have much less to lose…If you feel burdened by your unearned privilege, try to use it for something, and use it where it counts. But don’t be antiracist for the sake of an audience. Being white and anti-racist in your private or professional life, where there is very little prize to be found, is much more difficult, but ultimately more meaningful.” (p216).

There was also a measured warning about the of championing causes on social media. “We really need to be honest with ourselves, and recognise our own inherent biases, before we think about performing anti-racism for an audience.”

In the end, her conclusions rang true to me:

“racism is a white problem. It reveals the anxieties, hypocrisies and double standards of whiteness. It is a problem in the psyche of whiteness that white people must take responsibility to solve.” (p219)

So, she suggests, white people first need to be talking about it, then to consider how whiteness has silently aided our lives, but in the end she does not encourage guilt, “I don’t want white guilt. Neither do I want to see white people wasting precious time profusely apologising rather than actively doing things. No useful movements for change of ever sprung out of fervent guilt.” Her suggestion is get angry because anger can be useful and you can support those in the struggle rather than pitying yourself.

She concludes, “it can be as small scale in chipping away at the warped power relations in your workplace. It can be passing on knowledge and skills to those who wouldn’t access them otherwise. It can be creative. You can be informal. You can be your job. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you’re doing something.”

This book, along with Hamad’s, have caused me to think through these issues in more depth than ever before. I have appreciated the challenges they have raised, and the uncomfortableness they have made me feel. Clearly there is no short term fix for the systemic racism apparent in our communities, but I feel better informed to at least be part of the conversation and consideration for change.

White Tears / Brown Scars

White Tears / Brown Scars, Ruby Hamad

This book is still rolling around in my head and has prompted further reading as well. I read it thanks to a partial interview I heard on ABC radio, and was intrigued.

Ruby Hamad is an Australian journalist and author, who was born in Lebanon. She has written a searing critique of white culture, most notably white women, and how for centuries they have used their position of power over women of colour. Much of her focus is on Australia and the United States.

She starts identifying her own and other women of colour’s experience that when they raise issues of racism with white women, usually the situation is turned back on them, with white women claiming they have been victimised or that the woman of colour challenging them has been arrogant and hostile. This led to her to write an article titled ”How white women use strategic tears to silence women of colour”, which was picked up by numerous media outlets and led to Hamad realising her experience was definitely not unique.

When she began this book, her central question was "What happens when racism and sexism collide?" What she analyses is:

 “the way in which women of colour who attempt to address an issue that is detrimental to them in some way almost invariably come up against a wall of white fragility so immovable, so lacking in empathy, so utterly unrepentant, that the first few times it happens, you naturally assume you are imagining it, that you are the problem, that you should have gone about it differently … until at some point you, as a woman of colour, realise in shock that regardless of the facts of the situation, the real problem isn’t even about you. It is how white society regards you. It is how white society treats you. Because you, as a woman of colour, do not measure up to their image of what a women in and should be in order to be believed, supported and defended.”

From here, Hamad explores roots of white colonialism. Because the prevailing idea at the time was that all brown, Asian or black (any non-white) culture was subhuman, you could treat those people any way you liked, which included sexualising the women. Of course, this also enabled white men to treat indigenous women as they chose, with no consequences or repercussions. She goes on to explore the power that sex and desire played in these interactions, as indigenous women were cast in the worst possible, simplistic light, either as unable to control their desires or wanting white men to save them from their own men. And so arose stereotypes which exist still in various forms today: the spicy sexpot of Latin America, the submissive China Doll, the deceptive Dragon Lady, the Angry Black Woman or the Bad Arab. Whereas, she asserts, white women were always seen to be pure, innocent, damsels in distress, who needed protection and saving from white men, often against the perceived threats of indigenous men.

When considering white privilege and how white people do not know how to interact with it, she quotes another woman, Kristina: “I think white people have discomfort from their white privilege, and then when you have conversations with them about these issues, that discomfort suddenly ruptures, and they see that as discrimination against them because they’ve never had to operate in a system where you have to own your discomfort.”

While analysing white tears and how white women use their fragility when challenged, she also draws attention to the maternal complex of white women trying to rescue indigenous people from their believed lower states. This has extended to removing children from their homes in order to give them a more ‘civilised’ upbringing. She looks further into feminism, and how most change has been won for white women, not women of colour, noting “there is no recourse for women of colour who have been burned by white feminism”.

There are times when she starts to think change will happen, but then writes off the change: “White women keep apologising, telling us they will listen, they will improve, but they never do”.

In the final chapter, she has two conclusions:

1. "Women of colour must become consciously aware of the limitations forced on them, that these limitations are designed to keep us on the lowest rung of the hierarchy, and that we need to collectivise to bring them down", and
2. "white women have to acknowledge the unfair advantage their race has given them not just in the sense they have white privilege, but in the sense they have participated in a system where their womanhood is itself a privilege and a weapon."

She finishes with a rallying cry for women of colour to unite and white women to get behind them. Beyond that though, there is little suggestion of what a real way forward could look like.

What are my thoughts? They are many, varied, and I’m still considering them.

1. She has presented a strong critique against almost all aspects of white culture, particularly the impacts of colonialism, which read as accurate portrayals of much history.
2. Her stereotypes of women of colour struck a chord, especially when you consider how they are still represented in popular culture.
3. Yet, I also wondered if her representation of white women is also a bit stereotyped. There was no recognition that some white women do not behave this way, and yet there must be some that do not fit her mould.
4. Related to this (and I acknowledge that her topic was white women), there are numerous cultures who believe they are superior to others. We do live in a western world, where white is often seen to be dominant, yet there are other cultures who have the same sense of entitlement and priority. An exploration of this would have been interesting.
5. It can be insightful to read an author who holds strong, different opinions on many things to our own. I don’t mean so much her comments or analysis of racism, but as I looked through her Facebook page, it’s clear we think differently on numerous issues and also choose to express ourselves differently. Yet, it’s helpful to be challenged and consider various perspectives.
6. It was outside the realm of her research, but personally, I want to consider her conclusions through a Christian lens. Of course Christians have not always done this well in the past, and I agree that dreadful wrongs have been done in the name of the church. Yet, I hope that for those who truly believe that all mankind is made in the image of God, there is a desire to see the equality and value of all. How do we seek to really love our neighbour, if our neighbour is all people, of all colour?
7. In the end, I found myself asking, “what do you want me to do?” I am not a journalist, a CEO, a politician, a leader of any type in a public setting. So, what is Hamad asking of me? I would have loved another chapter or two with some productive suggestions for moving forward. I am a white woman, I make mistakes (as we all do), so what should I do - in the day-to-day and in the bigger picture? I felt this book would have been more powerful, as well as more conciliatory and productive if this was included.

All in all, a challenging read and well worth diving into, it will make you consider your own reflections and experiences of racism, whether you are white or of colour, male or female - and that is something we all need to do.