How do you read the bible?

How do you read the bible?

Do you have a system?
Do you read along with another guide?
Do you just open it randomly and read whatever you find?
Do you only read familiar passages?
Or, if you were really being honest, perhaps do you just not read it at all?

I suspect all of us struggle at times to find a way that works for us to read our bibles. And while we want to read God's word and grow in our knowledge and love of him, other things take precedence. Not only that, but even when we find the time combined with the ability to think clearly, we can feel like we are just 'going through the motions'. A kind of 'yes, tick the box' - I have read my bible today, although I couldn't tell you much about what I read and I didn't bother thinking about how it applied to me. Sound familiar?

I think what I have come to realise in recent years is that (like every aspect of growth in the Christian life) this too is a journey. Sometimes I long to sit down and dwell in God's word and other times, quite frankly, I would prefer to do almost anything else.

So, what do we do then when it's all a bit of a struggle?

I suggest two things: 1) Just do it. & 2) Mix it up.

1. Just do it.

Really. Get on with it. Find 10 mins & sit down with the bible open. If you have no idea what to read, start with a Gospel - at least then you will be reading the words of Jesus. There have been many times over the years where I have not wanted to read my bible - it may have been due to tiredness, busyness, feelings of depression, feeling distant from God, feeling like I just didn't care. But in the end, sitting down with God's word was something I tried to force myself to do. Sometimes I was just 'ticking the box', and other times a verse would leap out piercing straight to my heart.

And, by not giving up - we are forming a habit. A habit that says - no matter what, no matter how I feel, I want to let God's word speak to me and change me.


2. Mix it up

There are a lot of resources out there that help us read our bibles and understand them better. Sometimes, it's a hard slog reading through parts of the bible (eg. Isaiah or Ezekiel), especially when we don't really know what they are talking about. However, we still want to read these books and not ignore them because they are a bit scary!

So, here are some resources that appeal to different people:

1. Don Carson's For the Love of God, vols 1 & 2. This excellent guide follows the M'Cheyne bible reading plan over the course of 2 calendar years. Carson has listed the 4 readings for the day and he makes comments on one of them in detail. Its advantage is that it gets you reading through the bible (all in one year) and adds insightful comments for further thought. You can see a sample page here. And really, anything that Don Carson writes is worth giving a go!


2. The Daily Reading Bible (14 vols), published by Matthias Media. These are collated readings and notes from The Briefing magazine Bible Briefs. There are 60 days of reading, designed to cover 3 months. These are short snippets, which start you thinking. Each reading is included (so you only need the book not a bible as well). Then there are 3 questions, something to ponder and a suggestion for prayer. I have done these on and off over the years, and at times they have been very helpful. However, they vary in quality (all are authored by different people) and I find that they are too short. Also, I don't really want to encourage people not to use their own bibles - for then you can't easily look up cross-references, etc. You can see a sample of them here. Don't let my hesitations put you off though, they may be perfect for you!

3. Something new we have recently come across is John Stott's Through the Bible, Through the Year. Stott, another highly respected Christian author has put together this resource, taking one through the Christian calender. He has divided it into three 4-month blocks. The first (Sept-Dec) covers the Old Testament (the Life of Israel), the second (Jan-April) is an overview of the Gospels (the life of Christ) and the third (May-Aug) is from Acts to Revelation (Life in the Spirit). I can't comment on this one in detail yet, as I am only up to week 2 myself. What I can say so far is that I like the idea, and Stott's insights are always worth reading. However, there is often one one verse that the comments are based on. So this is certainly worth reading, but probably also combined with some other larger chunks of scripture. You can see the whole book online here.

4. Various commentaries. If you decide you want to tackle a book of the bible, but don't really know much about it, ask around and see if someone (your minister perhaps?) can recommend a good commentary on that book. Look for a short one, one based on an English version (not the Greek or Hebrew) and one whose style you can easily read.

What are some other bible reading tools or guides you recommend?


HOWEVER, all of these are just tools - nothing beats reading the bible yourself and trying to figure out what it means. Sure, use resources that are available, but last not first - do the work yourself first. So, get your hands on:

• a wide margin bible - this is the best bible I own, there is heaps of space for me to write comments in it;
• a travel bible - my normal bible is too big and heavy to throw in a bag or take away on holidays, so I also have a little bible that fits into my handbag;
• lots of bookmarks - to put in where ever you are reading - privately (if you follow M'Cheyne's reading guide you need 4!), to follow along with church sermon readings at home & what you are doing in bible study;
• pencils, highlighters, whatever you want to write in your bible. It took me a long time to be comfortable writing in my bible (it felt too holy to write in!). In fact, I still refuse to mark any normal book I read, but now my bible is scribbled all over.

And aim to read more of the bible itself than someone's notes about it.


Which leads to me to what I am doing at the moment, for those that care!

• I want to cover some larger amounts of scripture - so I have just reprinted the M'Cheyne reading guide and am going to try to work through it. I just started it again today, so got going at May 28. It's amazing when you do this how often the readings are related to each other.
• I am also reading Stott's Through the Bible, Through the Year at the same time. This helps me to think in a bit more depth about a small passage or verse.

So, if you know me and see me around - ask me how I am going with it!



Photos from stock.xchng

East West 101

Feel like a good few nights in front of the TV? Try East West 101.

This excellent series (of only 6 episodes) was shown on SBS last year. It is the story of Detective Zane Malik (Don Hany), a Muslim police officer in Sydney and his superior officer Ray Crowley (William McInnes). It has some great story lines, with sensitivity and awareness given to issues facing the Muslim community and the stress on cross-cultural relationships in Australia.

It is definitely one of the better police shows I have seen in recent years. Get it out of your local library and enjoy a few nights in!

The Briefing - May

I have just finished reading this month's e-Briefing, and highly recommend it to you.

The topic this month is Purity in the Age of Porn and it contains a number of helpful articles.

In Sexual Immorality: Some Thoughts from Corinth Gordon Cheng talks about how the first and final solution to dealing with sexual sin is the death and resurrection of Jesus. We cannot jump in first with ways and tips to help each other, but must first come to grips with what Jesus has done for us on the cross, and how that must shape all of how we live.

In The naked truth about porn, James Warren talks through the realities of life today, where TV, the movies and most predominately the internet, ensure that porn of all types has a AAA rating "Available, Affordable, Anonymous". James evens attempts a helpful definition of porn "explicit material designed to promote sexual desire outside God's design".

James discusses 3 reasons why porn actually is bitter, because it reinforces three distortions of the life that God wants for us. It distorts sex, distorts relationships and distorts ourselves.

He goes on to suggest 4 ways we can deal better with these issues:

1. We need to be mindful of diversity - some people have no issues with porn, others dabble in it and others are addicted to it. We have to understand that it is a problem for some, but not all - and therefore we must be aware of it, and never dismiss it out of hand

2. We need to be honest - we need to be opposed to all porn and have 'absolutely no porn' as our goal. Those who struggle in this way need to be honest with some trusted friends who will help to keep them accountable.

3. We need to be supportive - help those who struggle, for those who do struggle in this area "face a long, hard and lonely path with little support. The discipline required is immense, and the process is humiliating".

4. We need to speak up publicly. Christians are in danger of saying too little on this topic, "yet we have immensely valuable things to say about sex to our society. By not speaking up, we end up capitulating to and condoning the world's agenda."

A helpful article in many many ways.


In Making Singleness Better, Tim Adeney talks about how to love and serve single people in our churches. As you can see from the title, I have linked to the full article which is available online. The most insightful quote that I found from this article is:

Paul was not married, but neither was he lonely. I think he would see this epidemic of loneliness as a major moral failure of the church to be the church, and, perhaps, more particularly, a moral failure of families to treat those not in their family as family. The church is a family, and we are to treat those in the church as family—not by lowering the standard with which we treat our family, but by raising the standard with which we treat others.

He goes on to give suggestions about how our families could operate better to include single people, and how are churches could also do a better job within their own structure and design.

He also encourages singles to take advantage of the freedoms of being single, but also to be careful about it - to ensure they are embedded in a community.


Gordon Cheng also reviews Walking with Gay Friends, by Alex Tylee. He says:

Tylee's book is short and readable. It is particularly useful for readers who are Christians or readers who are open to hearing that there is hope of rescue from homosexual sin. The style is friendly and familiar, and manages to avoid the twin evils of being preachy and patronizing. There is a reading list at the end, which includes Christopher Keane's What Some of You Were. I recommend both books as readable, biblically challenging and pastorally compassionate treatments of homosexuality.

A book I now will try to read.

And finally, Simon Roberts in Avoiding the traps of an online world, takes on the issues of sexual immorality online and how to manage them wisely. He gives some very helpful practical tips on how to use computer software to protect you and your family and to help keep ourselves accountable. Some of these are filter software and others are programs that report on your internet usage to another person.

As part of this, he makes two very helpful points:
1. "We should not expect to find a technological solution to a theological problem" . We must actually try to become more Christlike in everything.
2. However, like in any area of sin, help is available and we should use whatever help we can that works for us.

***

This is one issue that is certainly worth having.


My understanding of the eBriefing copyright requirements is that I can send anyone a copy of it, as long as it is not more than 2 issues per year. So, if you would like a copy - let me know via a comment, and I will email it to you.

Atheism

Thanks to a friend linking it on facebook, I stumbled across this editorial in the LA times by Charlotte Allen: Atheists: No God, no reason, just whining:

I can't stand atheists -- but it's not because they don't believe in God. It's because they're crashing bores...

What atheists don't seem to realize is that even for believers, faith is never easy in this world of injustice, pain and delusion. Even for believers, God exists just beyond the scrim of the senses. So, atheists, how about losing the tired sarcasm and boring self-pity and engaging believers seriously?

An interesting read.

Mother's Day

I wonder what Mother's Day means to you. It may cover a large range of emotions, perhaps:

Joy & thankfulness

- for your mother, and your relationship with her

- for your own children, and your relationship with them

- for the encouragement it is to see you mother or children continuing on in the faith and growing stronger

Sadness

- at the distance that separates you from your mother or your children

- because you are estranged from your mother or your children, and you long to repair the rift

- because you watch them make choices that you disagree with, and wonder how to support them

Grief

- at the loss of your mother

- at the loss of your child

- at the loss of the chance to become a mother

Tiredness

- because of the day-to-day realities of being a mum

- because of the need for you to care for your elderly mother

We all experience these emotions at different times, but Mother's Day is one of those days that can bring them out a little more.

***

Girltalk blog has also been picking up these themes in the last few days:

Her children rise up and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28

Do you have a hard time picturing this ever happening to you? Oh sure, your kids “rise up”--all the time! Your baby may “rise up” and call (very loudly) at 1:00 am and 2:30 am and 5:00 am. Your toddler might “rise up” with temper tantrums or endless calls to meet his needs. Your school-age child might “rise up” and call you to take her to this activity and help her with that book report. Your teenager may “rise up” in anger at your decisions and call you “strict” or “unfair.”

It may be very hard to imagine your children ever rising up to obey you, rising up to ask for your advice, rising up to thank you, rising up to follow your example, rising up to serve you, rising up to call you blessed.

Carolyn encourages mums to continue on, for you will reap if you continue, read the rest here - in a A Weary Mother's Day.

***

And also in A Sad Mother's Day, Carolyn writes about the grief that can be present on Mother's Day.

For you, weariness is merely the byproduct of numbing sadness. You don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day. A day that reminds everyone else of what they have, reminds you of what you’ve lost—as if you needed another reminder.

Maybe your child has rebelled and doesn’t want anything to do with your family. Or maybe you’ve lost a child through death.

I wish I knew the right words to say to you. If I could sit with you today, I would want you to know how inadequate I feel to comfort you. I know that no words of mine can dull the pain. But after I had grieved with you awhile I would remind you of the comfort of the cross.

****

Whatever your emotions on Mother's Day, I hope you have a chance to stop and:

- give thanks for those women who have mothered you and cared for you

- to pray for yourself as you mother and care for the children around you

And to my Mum - I thank God for you.



***
A late addition from another blog The Pipers - talking about the grief on Mother's Day after losing a child, both the post and the comments are especially poignant.

Photos from stock.xchng

Parenting ... at other blogs

I have been unable to blog much lately - there is too much going on in my 'real' life!

However, I have been reading a few other blogs, which I have found helpful. If any of you are parenting teenagers, or approaching those years, you may be interested in looking at the recent series by Carolyn Mahaney on girltalk - mothering teens. There are nuggets of wisdom there which are relevant for parenting at all stages.

Following on from that, she also included some more thoughts on mothering rebellious teens. One especially helpful post was A Mother's Conversation which give 7 reminders of how to have those challenging conversations with your children and do so in a godly way.

More things to think about...!

Photo from stock.xchng

Public Mummy

Well, my recent comment about being an Angry Mummy, resonated with a few people (glad I wasn't alone on that one!).

This weekend I was able to think a little more about another aspect of mothering.

We were away this weekend with the young-adults congregation that my husband ministers to. It is the only time each year we spend time with this congregation together as a family - as the children & I do not attend the 7pm congregation on a Sunday night.

It is a weekend of potential high-stress: my kids hyped up, surrounded by adults who like them but do not generally much spend time with children, different food, different beds, Dad is present but not really able to play with them, etc. And this particular weekend, a lot of rain, preventing most fun activities.

However, I was surprised to find myself quite calm throughout the weekend and feeling relatively under control. Part of it is also because I went into the weekend knowing what to expect, knowing that I was managing most things with the kids, because it was work for Husband - so I knew the routine. But I do think it was more than that.

Which got me thinking - was I ensuring I was coping well because I was being watched? There were about 70 pairs of eyes watching us parent all weekend, so I was extremely unlikely to let myself become 'Angry Mummy' or any other bad connotation of her.

Now, if being 'seen' makes me a better mother, I will go out more! However, it's much more than that isn't it? Our Heavenly Father sees us always, and knows all of our thoughts and desires - good or evil. If I can be a better parent because a lot of 20-25 year olds are watching me, surely I should be a better parent daily, knowing that my Father in heaven watches too.

I am humbly reminded of Jesus' words in Matthew 6, talking about prayer, fasting and acts of righteousness:

6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven... [Jesus goes on to say, do them secretly]... 4b Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Let us all be parents who honour God in our public and our private parenting.

Treasuring God in Our Traditions

Book Review: Treasuring God in Our Traditions, Noel Piper

As we continue more and more on this parenting route, I am becoming a big fan of traditions. If you have been reading for a while, you will know that our family has established traditions for Christmas and Easter in order to ensure that we are actually celebrating Christ in both, rather than being dragged along by the 'traditions' of the world. These include reading bible accounts, doing activities, listening to music and just having fun learning more about Jesus and what he has done for us. Similarly, we also have traditions that have built up around other events: on your birthday you wake up to the family room decorated with streamers and balloons, we have pancakes for breakfast and you get to choose the evening meal.

This book by Noel Piper is a helpful way to think about why to have traditions in your home and what types of things you could consider doing. Noel starts off by talking about traditions and how we need to ensure we can explain why we do them - for 'because we do' is not an answer! She refers to Moses in Ex 12, when he says to parents that they must be able to explain the Passover to their children when they ask why it is celebrated:

Moses assumes children will ask why. And he instructs parents to give an answer that speaks of reality. This instruction is all in the context of laying out for children ceremonies that will portray the answer. He is giving them the answer, both spoken and displayed. And the answer is God - God saved us, and we honour him, worship him, thank him. We and our children need this kind of yearly repetition to impress us with the weight of what God has done. (p17)

What a helpful thing to remember when we think about the events we celebrate throughout the year and the traditions we want to develop. We want to be able to explain things, especially the things of God, in order to show who he is and what he has done for us. This was helpful to us this last Easter, as my 6 and 4-year olds understood that Easter for most people means chocolate. When they stated that they too would get lots of chocolate, I asked them "why?". Of course, they had no answer. I even pressed my 6-year old - "What does chocolate have to do with Easter?" Again, no answer. Now in the end, there was some chocolate around the house, which they enjoyed. But I am pretty confident that by the end of the Easter weekend they knew that this was the weekend that we celebrate that Jesus had died on the cross for their sins and was now alive again in heaven - and they also had a great time learning about it through the traditions we were establishing.

Noel had some definitions of tradition, 2 of which I quite liked:

1. Tradition is a planned habit with significance.

2. For a Christian, tradition is laying up God's words in our own hearts and passing his words on to the next generation.

She makes the helpful point, that "We are always teaching our children, whether we mean to or not. Our children come to believe, probably unconsciously, that whatever is repeated regularly has significance." (p34) & that "we must plan to reflect God and teach about Christ in the repeated events of our lives" (p35). I found this first quote especially helpful and a little challenging. If children come to see repeated behaviour as having significance, what else do they notice us doing and consider important. Is it that Mummy spends more time on her computer than talking to them? Is it that Daddy watches sport on television rather than playing with them himself? Is it that Grandpa always asks what grades they get? Is it that Mum & Dad always talk about money and how much things cost? Not only are traditions the things our children are noticing, but everything we do. They are learning our own values as we live them out. It does us well to remember that little eyes are watching, little ears listening and little minds remembering all the time!

For the remaining chapters of the book, Noel outlines various aspects of life and the traditions that could be associated with them. Here are some:

1. Chapter 5 - 'Everyday' and the Ultimate - talks about traditions which happen (should/could happen...) daily. These include praying at mealtimes, praying as a family and as a couple, reading God's word as a church, & going to church weekly. It's a helpful chapter, but I found myself wondering how to start. We do not all read the bible together as a family, and we have not up to now, because we have always figured that at least one child is still too young. We read the bible with each child individually and pray with them before bedtime each night. I would like to get into the 'family devotion' pattern, but we have not managed to do it yet.

One idea that was very helpful is that each child had their list of things to do each morning (brush teeth, etc) and then each also had 'Bible Time' where they would have 15 mins on their own to either read their bible, look at bible storybook or listen to a tape. I really liked this idea - it sets a pattern early, and as Noel says: "It only takes a few seconds of thought to realise that it is smarter to get a three year-old started with good lifetime habits that to spring a new regime on a teenager." (p46)

2. Ch 7 - 'Especially' traditions - here Noel talks about birthdays, weddings and funerals. And another special day, which I loved the idea of, although not relevant for our family - 'gotcha day' - celebrating the day a child was adopted or perhaps fostered - what a lovely way for a child to know that they are loved.

3. Ch 8 - Especially Christmas - this was a helpful collection of suggestions for how to celebrate Christmas. To be honest, I am reasonably happy with the Christmas traditions our family has, but I will read this chapter again in November to think about it some more. She does give a helpful explanation of why they chose not to have Santa, which are pretty similar to reasons to our reasons, which I have previously talked about.

4. Ch 9 - Especially Easter - I found this chapter very helpful this year. Thinking about Easter was the main reason I read this book ahead of the pile of others on my shelf, and I was glad I did, because she had some good ideas, ranging from how to think about fasting in Lent, to having a resurrection tree (like a Christmas Jesse tree) and how to celebrate Easter week itself. I incorporated a number of these ideas into some of our Easter celebrations this year and plan to do even more of them next year.

Some of my hesitations about this book were:

1. It could seem awfully daunting to one starting from scratch. Like any book on this topic, one can be overwhelmed and feel inadequate by what your family does not do, or what her family does do. I suspect she is summing up decades of traditions in one book, which is certainly worth remembering when life seems a little hard.

2. It seemed very 'Piper-specific' - she has written a book about what her family does, which is a great resource. They are obviously a family that is creative with words, John Piper writes a poem (a good one!) to each of his children for their birthday, he seems to be the more expressive one. I think for myself it would be unhelpful for me to compare their family dynamics with my own, and I could not assume that what works for their family would also work for mine. I just thought if she had included some ideas of what some other families do, there could have been more suggestions which may have covered different types of families. You have to be able to read it with your own family in mind and think about what will work for them. Perhaps you all sing and play music together, or maybe special time centre around family cricket games in the backyard, or maybe movie nights with popcorn...

3. The final appendix (written by John & Noel) sat uneasily with me, although there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. They are of the opinion that all children, from about the age of 4 can learn to sit quietly with their parents throughout a church service and should be doing so. It seems, if I read it correctly, that their children did not go to a children's program, but rather sat in church with them. I may be mis-understanding the way their church runs (perhaps the children's program runs at another time?). When I look at our church though, I cannot imagine not sending the children out to the program - it is a great program, led by wonderful people with good material - why would I not want them to benefit from that? I understand their point about the value of worshipping together as a family, and how it is easier to teach these things to children when they are young than when they are older. And I do wonder if my strong hesitation is purely because I cannot stand the thought of dealing with wiggly, whinging children in every service. Perhaps though, if you don't set the goals high, you never reach them!

I am pretty sure that the Equip Book Club are planning to look at this book later in the year, and I will be interested to read the posts and the comments and see what others think. It could be a great forum for sharing traditions & ideas with each other!

By the way, this book can be downloaded for free at this site.

Now That You're Engaged (& if you are married)

Book Review: Now That You're Engaged, H Norman Wright

As I've mentioned before, we do marriage preparation with a number of couples and this year I'm reading a few of the more recently published books on marriage and engagement. Ours are all more than a decade old now and I can't remember any of them anyway

I really liked this book. I guess if you read a book preparing couples for marriage 10 years after your own marriage and still get lots out of it - it is a winner. Therefore, this book is for marrieds too. You can still learn from it if you are already married.

He structures the books around the idea of commitment - highly relevant for approaching marriage.

"Your level of commitment is the most vital factor in determining the success or failure of your relationship."

 Each chapter deals with a particular focus, for example:

• commitment to be free from the past 
• commitment to change
• commitment to love
• commitment to evaluate expectations and develop goals
• commitment to making wise decisions
• commitment to listen
• commitment to resolve conflicts
• commit yourself to control anger
• commitment to build positive in-law relationships
• commitment to forgive and pray together

Some of the more helpful things this book contained were (be prepared, there are lots!!):

1. The Commitment to be free from the past chapter covered a lot of 'family of origin' issues. He includes a questionnaire, encouraging each to think through the details of their relationship with their mother and father, and how it has shaped them. This was a helpful resource, both for personal reflection and also to enable an engaged couple to talk through some of the family background issues that each has.

2. The Commitment to Love chapter. He challenges each to be able to answer the following 3 questions:

i. Why is this the right time to marry?

ii. List 10-12 reasons why you want to marry this person.

iii. Describe why you love them and the type of love you have.

It sounds dry and a bit contrived, but it's not a bad idea. If you can't articulate why you want to marry now and marry this person, that should at least make you pause. Having said that I can't imagine if I had been asked these questions prior to marrying Husband that I would have come up with an especially coherent reply.

He provides a helpful list of character traits that we should look to remove and what we should replace them with, eg. put off pride and put on humility, put of ingratitude and put on thankfulness. Each includes bible references. I intend to type it up for myself - it's a list of character traits all of us should desire, married or not.

This chapter includes 10 things to check whether you really love each other. eg. Do you respect each other? Have you spent enough time together? (eg summered and wintered together). Are you growing as Christians together? This chapter had a number of helpful practical tools.

3. In the chapters on Change and Understanding Yourself, Wright talks about some of the different stages of life that many couples face and starts a couple thinking about how they may deal with those times.

4. The Commitment to build positive in-law relationships chapter was also helpful and wise. You should treat your in-laws the way you treat your friends (in Australia it might be wise to add - with a bit more respect though). He encourages couples to think about what issues their parents are facing at any given time. Much tension can be relieved when each understands the other's fears and worries.

5. The most helpful chapter for me was the Commit Yourself to Control Anger. For me it is not  related to marriage issues, but rather parenting ones. I have commented on that in another post here. However, this is a helpful chapter for anyone dealing with anger issues.

6. The Commitment to Evaluate Expectations and Develop Goals chapter covered how we can often have unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations in marriage, how to be aware of them becoming issues and how to talk about them, being honest and willing to change. As dear Husband has said to me throughout our marriage "I cannot read minds" - therefore if I have an expectation of him, I have to actually say it, not expect him to guess. It took me years to realise he was right.

There are many other positive things I could say about this book. Of course I had some hesitations with it, as with almost anything. However, it's a book worth having, for engaged couples and those who are newly married. I suspect it is worthwhile for those of us who have been married a little longer too, however, since the two books for engaged couples by Wright that I have now read have been so good, I will perhaps venture next into some of his books for marrieds.

***

Update in 2020

After a re-read of this 11 years later, it is still a helpful and solid book, but it's feeling a bit outdated now, and seems at times a bit more complicated that it needs to be. I think he overplays the different types of love (agape, eros, philios). The chapter on a commitment to control anger probably needs more comments about when to withdraw for safety and when professional help with managing anger might be needed. 

Angry mummy

I have been reading a book of late (on preparing for marriage of all things*) and came across a chapter on anger, entitled Commit Yourself to Control Anger.

I never would have (prior to children) considered myself an angry person. But I have certainly found, that since having children, I can get angry. Not hitting angry, but certainly yelling angry. I do not want to be an angry mum and I do not want to be a yelling mum - but there are times when I feel sorely tested in this area.

What I read in this chapter sounded at me like a trumpet call.

Who makes you angry? You do! Situations and other people cannot make you angry... You create your own anger. (p198)

What happens outside of us - external events - do not make us angry. Our thoughts do, whether they are automatic thoughts or ones we choose to think. Realising that you are responsible for your anger is to your advantage. You have an opportunity to take control of your thoughts and your emotions. In most situations, your anger will work against you and not for you. It can cripple you and make you quite ineffective. Anger can limit your capacity to discover creative solutions. If no real solution is available, at least you can free yourself from being dominated by the situation and give up resentment. Can joy, peace and contentment reside side-by-side with your anger? (p204-5)

I was struck dumb. The excuses that fill my mind "they are so disobedient", "but that behaviour is so annoying", "they should know better" - are only that - excuses to allow me to fuel my anger.

I must admit, I have felt truly chastened and repentant, as well as challenged. Challenged to stop myself becoming angry, and challenged to ensure that it is joy, peace and contentment that my children see in me daily. A challenge certainly, but a worthy one! I continue to pray that God may give me the grace to do so.

* The book is Now That You're Engaged, by H Norman Wright (I highly recommend it!)

Families and fathers...

In a fit of nostalgia this week, I recorded and watched Father of the Bride II. I have always loved these movies - both I & II.

I first saw Father of the Bride at the movies with my family when it was released in 1991. My sister and I were 14 and 15. For those who may not have seen it, it is the story of a father and how he 'manages' when his daughter becomes engaged and then married. It's a comedy with a reasonable amount of slapstick humour, but also has a lovely message. He loves his daughter, wants to ensure that this man is going to love her and care for her, and he is not sure he is ready to 'let her go'.

I still remember when the movie finished and my sister & I turned to our parents (having all enjoyed it) to realise that my father was moved to tears imagining us, his own daughters, growing up and marrying. Both of us were very touched at the time (and I still am whenever I think about it). In fact, we watched it again the night before my wedding, and felt the weight of it even more.

We happily saw the sequel in 1995. In the sequel the daughter is now pregnant, and so, unexpectedly, is his wife (as they approach their late forties). Again, lots of gag humour, but a lovely story. While it's a spanner in the works, new life is cherished even at this 'unexpected' stage of life.

As I watched II again last night, I realised why I like these movies so much. They have such a positive outlook on family. Here is a man, who cherishes his wife - "I love her as much as the day I married her" (he says) and he loves his children protectively and wants the best for them. And while much of the humour is based around his inability to cope with change, he is not cast as a useless man who gets nothing done. He is the man of the family and takes care of them all with love and dedication.

It's only 15+ years since these movies were made, but I cannot recall many movies since then like this. I presume this is a reflection of the times and what sells at the box office, but have you noticed that today:

• Almost no movies portray healthy long-term marriages. Rarely do we see couples who have stuck together for decades through the ups and downs of life.


• Similarly, rarely are families shown as being stable, loving and supportive, with a mutual care and love between the parents & children.


• The father-figure these days is rarely a man of honour and strength with a desire to protect his family. Especially rarely is the depiction of a loving healthy relationship between a father and a daughter.


• Most parents are maligned in the movies - the interfering mother wanting grandchildren, the absent father, the abusive parent, etc. There is rarely a parent illustrated that one would want as a role model.


• These days unexpected pregnancies in movies all deal with the 'whether or not to keep the baby' question. Here it was just assumed and even though it would be hard, there was no question of continuing on with the pregnancy. (Which is very different I might add to recent similar themes in the Australian drama Packed to the Rafters, that may warrant a post another day!)

For me, in the end, the main reason I love these two movies is that it reminds me of my relationship with my parents and especially my father. While he is nothing like Steve Martin in this movie, my father loves my mother, cares for her deeply, and loves my sister & I very much. He has always wanted the best for all of us, and has done his best to provide it. And, now I have the privilege of seeing how he must have been with us as young children, as he plays with my children.

Let's have more positive role of models of families and fathers out there - we all benefit!

And thanks Dad - for everything.

Easter series #3

Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and men... sometimes all come to nothing!

I had planned to think a bit more about the Easter bunny, easter eggs, etc.

Here we are Easter Thursday, and I have pretty much run out of time!

(for those that care to know what I have been doing instead - I will summarise with the following equation: 3 children + 6 bible studies + 3 talks + 2 hands with unexplained pain = little time to blog!)

As a short, but perhaps not very sweet, summary - I am no fan of the Easter bunny. He appears to serve no purpose except to divert us from Jesus (perhaps he learnt the trick from Santa?). Nicole has done a helpful background to the Easter Bunny, which emphasises the uselessness of him!

We are using little eggs that open to look at our 'Preparing for Easter' things, and there is a good point that eggs can symbolise new life. Why they need to be chocolate is less certain!

Quite honestly, my problem with chocolate is much more practical - we do not need any more rubbish food in our house, and if we choose to have chocolate we have the quality stuff, not the cheap nasty stuff pretending to be chocolate! I don't think my children need anymore chocolate in their lives, so why do it? They are excited every day to open the egg and see which part of the Easter account we are reading for the day, I would much prefer to make that the focus rather than the treat.

We are planning to have our simple 'Passover' meal tonight, so I will blog about that and whatever else we ended up doing after the weekend.

I hope you all have an Easter that remembers Jesus' death and celebrates his resurrection for Christ indeed is risen!

Easter Series #2

2. How you could celebrate the Easter weekend itself

Even if you plan to do nothing at all in the lead-up to Easter, it's worth thinking about how to make the Easter weekend itself meaningful as well as fun and full of eating!

Here are some thoughts:

i) A passover meal on Thursday night

I did a bit of on-line research regarding the passover meal, which is called a Seder. Having looked at a number of them, including Christian versions, I have decided to ignore all of them! Partly because they are very long (about 5 hours), but mainly because they are based on a tradition which built up over a long period of time in Judaism. The Christian versions just seem to want to do all of that, and add an extra ‘Jesus’ bit at the end. Instead, for us I am going to simplify it down and go back to the bible as my only source.

So, on Thursday night, we are going to sit down to a meal together which will include roast lamb with herbs, unleavened bread and juice/wine.

We will:

1. Wash one another's feet, to remind each other that Jesus washed his disciples' feet and read out John 13:5-17.
2. Sit down together to eat the meal. During the meal, we will explain that this was the type of food that was eaten on the night that the Israelites were saved by God and rescued from Egypt. They had to eat it in a rush, which is why the bread had no yeast in it. God commanded them to celebrate the Passover every year in this way, reading Ex 12:24-27.
3. After the food, talk about how Jesus celebrated this same meal with his disciples, the night before he died, using some bread and a cup of wine/juice. Read Matthew 26:26-29

So, in having this meal together, we will remember how God saved his people the Israelites through the Passover and the exodus and we remember how Jesus has also saved us by dying for us at Easter time.

I understand that this may annoy some people (who would prefer a more traditional Passover meal), but I hope I have saved the elements that are important, while also accounting for the fact that we will be feeding a 5, 3 and 1 year old on the last night of the school term - so I want to be wise about what can be achieved!

If our children were older, able to stay up later, and not terrified of all DVDs, I think we could also watch Prince of Egypt, to emphasise the great act of redemption that the passover and the exodus was.

ii) Go to church on Good Friday

This may sound obvious, but I have observed many Christians (myself included in the past) don't seem to bother with church on both Good Friday and Easter Sunday. However, you really do appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus' death more by pausing on Good Friday, going to church and hearing the accounts of Jesus' death read out. It is a time for reflection on the seriousness of our sin and the price Jesus had to pay.

iii) Easter Saturday

Noel Piper suggests that Easter Saturday should be a day of waiting, with not too much excitement or fun things, to get an idea of how the disciples felt knowing that Jesus was dead and buried and unsure as to what would happen next.

I like the idea, however we have gone and scheduled Mr 6's birthday party on that day, so I doubt there will be much time for reflection! His birthday always falls near Easter, and sometimes it is hard to know where to put the emphasis. [On the year it was on Good Friday it was hard to explain to a 2-year old, that we were going to church and remembering Jesus' death, while also having cake and presents to celebrate Mr 6's birth!]


iv) Easter Sunday

Go to church again - celebrate that Christ is risen!

We will not have a day filled with chocolate and bunnies (I'll post about that later). However, on Easter Sunday morning we will reach the last day of our bible readings working through Matthew and read of Jesus' resurrection. I think we will also read Dave the Donkey again (see previous Easter Post).

In our house when we celebrate birthdays, we wake up to balloons and streamers around the house in honour of the special day. On Easter Sunday, we will also wake to balloons and streamers, to celebrate Jesus' being alive again, and because of that, our 'new birth' to eternal life.

I really liked Nicole's idea about a 'Jesus is alive' cake with a smashed open chocolate egg to symbolise the empty tomb. I think we will do that this year too.


Do you have any other ideas for celebrating the Easter weekend with your family?

Crying Scarlet Tears

Book Review: Crying Scarlet Tears: My Journey through Self-harm, Sophie Scott

Another somewhat challenging topic to be reading about, but this can be the reality of pastoral ministry. Not that we are talking to anyone dealing with this, but G was lent it and it pays to be aware of the possibility and be a little bit prepared.

While obviously about the concerning and depressing topic, it was very good. Scott speaks openly of her struggle with self-harm as a teenager and young-adult, and how as a Christian she struggled to understand how God could love her through what she was doing.

Throughout the book she reveals more about the circumstances which led her down this path in the beginning. What struck me though was that it was nothing entirely concrete. She started after unconsciously hitting herself, which over time escalated into episodes of self harm, including cutting herself with razors and broken glass. As she got older, it developed into other forms such as bulimia, overdosing and putting herself in dangerous situations (eg walking the streets at night). While the book does outline some of the factors which led to it, I found myself thinking that there was no clear reason why this girl chose this path, whereas others could have either chosen other destructive behaviour, or chosen not to do so, even with the same background. Of course, that is obvious - 2 different people will always respond to something differently. But I suspect that makes watching someone go through it even harder - why are they doing this when someone else isn't?

I found it quite a challenging read on a number of levels.

1. It made me realise again just how many problems that women have are related to self-esteem. If we could find a certain way of instilling a sense of worth in children and young women - that they are truly loved by God for who they are and they are treasured by the people around them - I wonder how many of these issues could be reduced.

2. Related to this in many ways is the again saddening realisation of just how many women (& men) are abused in childhood. The effects of these sins against children have such awful and far-reaching consequences.

3. The reaction of her parents stunned me. Her ministers convinced her of the need to tell her parents, and dragging up all her courage she did, and they had almost no reaction. She heard her mother crying that night, but after that it was never mentioned again. What a wasted chance her parents had - here was their daughter opening up to them and they did not jump at the chance to help her. I was really challenged by this. Why not? How many parents just ignore problems in their children and hope they go away? I have seen this in other circumstances too, and the effect this has on teenagers or young adults is huge - essentially their parents seem to be saying, 'we can't cope with this problem, and so we won't help you' - honestly what are parents for?? (I speak as a parent here, not as a teenager). What an effective way to shut down any communication with your children.


Some of the good things about this book:

1. I was very encouraged by how all of the Christian ministers, youth workers, mentors etc that she came into contact with were helpful, appropriate and willing to be there. They challenged her in her misguided views about God and his ability to love her, they set up ways of helping her, they were available and able to cope with her honesty. So many books about these types of issues also include lists of inappropriate responses of Christians and ministers. I was so happy for Sophie that she encountered people who were helpful and godly.

2. The chapter on 'how to help' was very heplful. Good instructions, ideas on what to do for people and how to be a support person for someone with self-harm issues.

3. She had a mentor who set up a relationship with boundaries. This older woman, Bev, with her own family, was happy to be called by Sophie and able to talk with her, but she set up clear guidelines, eg how she could never call after 9pm, so as not to impinge too much on her time with her husband and family. Sophie was honest that she found these boundaries hard to accept at first and got angry about them, but she came to respect them and in time realised that they were essential to ensure that Bev was able to support her without burning out herself.


So, if you are concerned about someone with potential or actual self-harm problems, this book is worth reading. I do NOT recommend it for anyone actually facing self-harm issues themselves, Sophie acknowledges herself that parts of the book would just give a self-harmer more ideas.

And, we should pray that young people find their self-worth in the God who made them and who loves them, no matter who they are or what has happened to them.

Easter Series #1

1. How you could prepare for Easter with your family

I wonder how you 'prepare' for Easter with your family? Well if you are anything like me, up to now you have not really done anything at all. The most preparation that goes into your Easter may be buying some hot-cross buns and chocolate, deciding whether to go away for the long weekend, or deciding whether you will go to church on both Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

We have been the same, well - with some exceptions! We always go to church for both Good Friday & Easter Sunday, and never go away - but that is because Husband is a minister, so we sort of have to be there! (However, prior to him being in ministry I don't think I ever went to a Good Friday service and I very much liked going away for the Easter Long Weekend!)

However, I can certainly say that I have never thought much about 'preparing for Easter' at all. All that has changed though! Which leads me to the first idea...


i) A Bible Reading Plan

Having seen the massive benefit to our family of doing a 25 day advent calendar for Christmas, which included bible readings, prayer and thinking about the passage, I thought we should do one for Easter too.

Last year I searched online, and found this plan (Annie's Easter Eggs). It is a 12-day plan, each day reading a few verses relevant to a part of the crucifixion and resurrection. I taped up a cardboard cross, and each day we opened a little egg (sourced from Kinder Surprises), which contained an item relevant to the story. Then we blue-tacked the item to the cross, to remind us of each thing. It worked for us quite well.

However, having done it, I would have preferred a different emphasis for the bible readings - some that covered more of the time in the week leading up to Good Friday, rather than emphasising various aspects of the crucifixion itself.

So, I have done one myself - it is a 14-day plan, all from Matthew's gospel (my goal is to do 4 over the next 4 years - one from each gospel). It uses the NIrV as it is aimed at younger readers, I had my 6 year old in mind, assuming that my almost 4 year old will get something out of it too.

Each day has a bible reading, a few questions, a prayer and a picture to draw (my kids loved doing the drawings for Christmas and sticking them in a line around the wall).

Here is Day 1 - so you can get an idea.

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Day 1

Jesus Predicts His Own Death

Bible Reading

Matthew 20:17-19

¹⁷ Jesus was going up to Jerusalem. On the way, he took the 12 disciples to one side to talk to them.

¹⁸ "We are going up to Jerusalem," he said. "The Son of Man will be handed over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will sentence him to death. ¹⁹ Then they will turn him over to people who are not Jews. The people will make fun of him and whip him. They will nail him to a cross. On the third day, he will rise from the dead!"

Questions

What will happen to Jesus?

How does that make you feel?

Why did he go to Jerusalem even when he knew what was going to happen?

Prayer

Dear God, thank you that even though Jesus knew what would happen to him in Jerusalem, he still went - willing to give his life for us. Amen

Picture

Jesus walking to Jerusalem

To keep up the excitement, each day has a little plastic openable egg, with the title of the day inside and most days have an item to remind us of the bible reading. (I got this idea from the Annie's eggs page, eg. 30c to remind of Judas betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, or a stone to show that a stone was rolled in front of the tomb). We are using Kinder Surprise eggs, so if you want to do this too - go out and buy 14 Kinder Surprises (in our house the kids get the chocolate and toys in small amounts, and I get to keep the eggs!)

I have included some photos of some of them, I have not done them all yet - still more Kinder Surprises to open & eat!
(PS. the little handcuffs are from Police Lego!)

ii) Easter week

This is really a variation on the same theme above - search through the bible and try to date the events of the final week. Then read out those passages for each day. This will give children (and you!) a good idea of what actually happened on each day. (This idea is in Treasuring God in Our Traditions, Noel Piper). She also suggests making an "Easter Mountain" - a construction our of playdough, in which you can re-enact the events of each day, will people made out a 'chenille-sticks' (which I am assuming are pipe cleaners). A cautionary note she gives here is that once this gets silly for children, stop doing it - the death of Jesus is too serious to joke about. I am considering making the Easter Mountain and will post up photos if I do.

iii) Books to read

I am keen for ideas on this, as yet I have only come across one good book for Easter (although I haven't had a chance to have a good look around). Dave the Donkey (by Andrew McDonough of the Lost Sheep series) has written a fantastic book about Easter for children, told by the donkey who carried Jesus into Jerusalem and his Grandpa donkey. It is well-written, tells the story with appropriate seriousness, but also ends up celebrating 'Long live the King!'

iv) Other ideas

One friend, Lesley, suggested that prior to Easter (if she had a chance) she would "to do a taste and see over the next few weeks of the different foods in the traditional passover meal, talk about them, and then have all decide what you will actually eat on the Thursday before Good Friday." This could be helpful in thinking about various aspects of the passover in advance. My next post will discuss the idea of a Passover meal on Maundy Thursday - but if you plan to do one, you definitely need to prepare for it!

Do you have any other ideas? I would love to hear them!

I will post again in a few days about some ways to make Easter weekend itself a little more meaningful.

Easter series

Easter is coming up, and as with Christmas, I thought it might be good to think about it how we celebrate it with our families and why we do so.

We celebrate Easter as the main historical event in which our faith is grounded - the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, Lord and Saviour.

So, I thought over the next few weeks, it might be helpful to think about what we can do to keep this truth the central part of Easter, rather than an additional extra.

I will aim to look at:

1. How you could 'prepare' for Easter with your family.

I have written a 14-day "Preparing for Easter with your family" plan this year, which I will talk about, as well as some other things.

2. How you could celebrate the Easter weekend itself.

3. What to think about the Easter bunny, eggs and chocolate.

And perhaps other things as I think of them!

I am also planning to finish reading Treasuring God in Our Traditions, by Noel Piper and see what suggestions she has.

So, if you have any ideas on how to celebrate Easter in a Christ-centred way, either things your family does, or you have seen done by others - please let me know via a comment and I will collate some things for us all to share.

365 Nights

Book Review: 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy, Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe

At first glance this may seem like an odd book for me to read, let alone comment on. However, it is a good book. I will include the description of it from her blog (which is better than I could summarise!):

“365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy” came out June 24th by Berkley Books, a division of Penguin. It’s a funny and intimate look into turning 40, being married and wondering if there is more to marriage than laundry, babysitters and negotiating the DVR. It started when Charla’s husband was about to celebrate four decades on this planet, and she offered to give him something memorable – something that only she could give.

She offered him sex every day for a year.

This book documents that year. It’s not the behind-the-scene details of their sex life (which, really, would not be all that interesting), but rather a modest, G-rated story about how a year of daily intimacy transformed a marriage. About how the “stuff” everyone brings to a marriage can bear down on the relationship, intimacy and the desire to connect...

This book is not intended to be a self-help book. Charla insists that she has no more business counseling someone on their marriage than her mailman. Rather, it’s a book about the ups and downs of married life, trying to have it all (and failing) and figuring out how to get back to the basics of a grounded, faith-based marriage.

Here are some of my thoughts having read this book (which echo some of her observations):

Some minor thoughts:

1. It was a thought-provoking and insightful look at marriage, parenting, the role of women and a number of other topics
2. It issues a challenge (especially to women) not to settle for or allow their marriages to become 'un-intimate'
3. She dealt with a delicate subject with reasonable care and choice of words. It was never seedy, titillating or inappropriate.

More detailed thoughts:

1. I have often observed, especially in Christian circles, that people rarely talk openly about their marriages, let alone the intimacy of their marriage. I wonder if this is helpful? So many marriages struggle in different ways, but the feeling that everyone else out there is happily married prevents openness amongst even close friends. I suspect intimacy is rarely spoken of even within some marriages.
   
2. Intimacy or sex is not meant to be viewed as the 'icing on the cake' in a marriage, but a crucial part of it and we have a responsibility to each other, as instructed by God to care for the intimate part of our marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:5 indicates that we should not deprive one another for any period of time, except for prayer - an excuse I have rarely heard used!
3. The decision to have intimacy much more often in a marriage requires both to make the time from somewhere else to do so. Sounds too practical, but it is true - if you planned to make love every day for a year, what would you have to give up - the TV, the novels, the blog time? And would you consider it a sacrifice that was worth it? This could be a good indicator of how highly we value intimacy in our marriages.
   
4. The only risk I thought this book may have had was raising the status of sex too high in a marriage. We don't want it to become our idol on the altar of marriage.
   

I won't spoil the ending by telling you what her final conclusions were, but I liked them.

Also, I won't tell you what our conclusions were after both reading it - but put it this way, we are both happier these days!

On Becoming Babywise

Book Review: On Becoming Babywise, Ezzo & Bucknam

Having now finished this baby stage of life, I thought I would return to it for a moment and review BabyWise. I realise this is a risky business! There are enough different opinions around regarding parenting, let along regarding the parenting of young babies, their feeding and sleeping. Oh well, here goes...

I should be upfront and admit I was never a fan of the Ezzo material. I read the Babywise manual for Christian parents when pregnant with M and thought while they had some common sense stuff, a lot of it was very strict and prescriptive and the theological justification for their reasoning was shaky.

Having returned to reread it again, I was pleasantly surprised by the content (note that I read that standard book version this time, not the Christian parenting course one - assuming the two different versions still exist?). In fact, it read so differently to me, that it felt like a completely different book. Perhaps there has been a massive revision? (the book I have just read was published in 2001), or perhaps there are two different versions (Christian vs. non-Christian?). It is of course possible that my memory is poor, but I'm sure it is not that poor!

Overall, it was a sensible guide to the first 6 months of parenting, with the emphasis being on establishing routines of feeding and sleeping. They call their method parent-directed feeding (PDF) -you decide when baby needs to feed, taking their needs and the time since the last feed into account. They were balanced between breast and bottle feeding, acknowledging that while in ideal circumstances breast feeding is better, that you have to make decisions that work for you and your baby - "just as breast-feeding doesn't make you a good mother, bottle-feeding won't make you a bad one" (p83). The chapters on sleeping, waketime/naptime, how to read your baby's cries and general info were all sensible and helpful.

There were some parts of it I disagreed with (as there are with any parenting book!):

• that you had to ensure your newborn baby had a minimum of 8-10 feeds in the first few weeks. While that may be necessary for some babies, certainly not for mine, 7-8 were enough in those early weeks.
• they recommend a cot bumper guard to prevent the baby hitting the edge of the cot - these are explicitly identified as a risk for SIDS here in Australia.
• while much of the book, including feeding and sleeping advice was very common sense, there was very little advice on what to do if your baby did not fit the mould. If you adhered to their methodology, but your baby never slept through the night - what next? There was not much practical help here.

When I think back to my (& my friends') concerns over this material when we all read it 6-8 years ago, some of these included:

• the fact that it almost guaranteed a baby sleeping through the night at 8-12 weeks. We (without realising it at the time) followed the PDF method of feeding, but our children never slept through the the night that early.
• it claimed a lower incidence of post-natal depression following this method (one friend, whose child, refused to conform to any of these ideals, thought instead it increased the risk of post-natal depression if you & your baby 'failed')
• they had two children as the examples (I think I recall their names - Ryan & Stephen?). By the end of the book, it was clear that Ryan was going to be the perfect well-adjusted child (as a result of the babywise parenting plan) and Stephen was going to end up in jail, his entire life messed up. OK - perhaps I exaggerate, but that was the idea. In this book, similar comparisons are made between the two fictional babies - Chelsea and Marisa, although nowhere near as extreme.

All in all, while I have some concerns about Babywise, it also does mirror much of our parenting philosophy - we are the parents, they are the children - we know and decide what they need and when things should happen. We decide when they sleep, feed and play, all within a framework of being aware of the signs they give us regarding hunger, tiredness etc. We are not ruled by clocks, but neither by the children themselves.

Therefore, I admit now that I will stop not recommending Babywise. I think there are people who could benefit from it, especially those parents who struggle to find order in their day (and want it), and those who end up feeding almost non-stop with babies who do not sleep much. I still prefer Baby Love (by Robin Barker). As a guide to the first 12 months I think it is the best I have come across, and it covers so much more that Babywise. Having said that, most parents invest in more than one book and this is one that it would not hurt to have.

In the end though, I think if most of us used our common-sense in parenting and trusted our instincts, as well as having a basic long-term goal of parenting, many things would sort themselves out over time. As we say to couples who are about to enter this stage - remember, in the end, all children end up sleeping, eating and toilet trained in the end, no matter which 'method' their parents used. So, trust yourself!!

[Having written the above, I fully acknowledge that it is much easier to talk about how you want to parent and what to do with babies after having done it. I remember vividly those early years, especially with Mr 0 who would not feed, worried about whether he was having enough food, feeling like it my my fault he could not feed and personally rejected by this tiny little baby who would not accept what my body would give him. I remember us at our wits' end listening to Miss 0 crying and awake overnight for months and months. I remember doubting myself and my judgment in almost every decision, sometimes by the minute (and still do at times!) So, I certainly feel for you if you are still in that 'fog' - it can take a while to lift. But, eventually it does.]