Parenting Ahead

Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years, Kristen Hatton (New Growth Press, 2023) 

This is a really helpful resource for parents whose children are in the teen years, or will be in the future.

Hatton writes a grace filled message that encourages and challenges parents to consider what their goals of parenting are, and how they are shaped by the gospel. 

Part 1 starts with the reason for “long-range redemptive, hope-filled parenting.” She encourages perseverance and hope (in God’s faithfulness and in our security and transformation in Christ) as our main guides for the journey: 

“What an amazing opportunity you have now to help build that foundation for your younger children with biblical principles, boundaries, convictions, and honest conversations that will help them when they face the challenges of adolescence.”

Part 2 focuses on some of the pitfalls that hinder along the way.

• Parenting styles - both overparenting and underparenting and the consequences of each. 
• Idols & the way they impact us as parents, such as a desire for control, comfort, success and the fear of man. 
• The influence of the world. Here she includes a helpful table that works through the numerous main messages our world today, and then considers them in light of the gospel and how to adapt them to fit God’s truth. 
• Stop hurrying the hurt - that is, allow things to be hard and for your kids to experience natural suffering and pain. Not only does this reflect the reality of the world, it will grow and mould them. 

Finally, Part 3 considers what living redemptively might look like. This will include confessing sin, being open about our idols and our struggles, and offering mercy and forgiveness to each other - for parents and children alike. She proposes ways to continue to move towards our children: with connection, active listening, no nagging, no shaming, identifying, and normalising taboo topics. She challenges families to consider where their time, effort and money goes, and encouraged slowing down, saying no, and setting boundaries.

“Now we would likely all agree that apart from a relationship with Christ, family is our number one treasure. But I wonder if an honest assessment of our time and finances would show this to be functionally true.”

Hatten finishes with the encouragement and exhortation to grow in grace, manage our own guilt about our parenting, and cultivate compassion for our children and ourselves.

“I hope growing in grace leads to you being an agent of grace in the lives of your kids.”

Each chapter finishes with questions to assist you to apply the content to your own situation. Appendices provide a list of suggested other resources, and a Redemptive Parenting Assessment as a way of considering your own parenting perspective and priorities and things you might want to change.

Hatten is honest about her own failings, mistakes and regrets, but also shares wise choices and decisions that they made. Overall, she strikes a really helpful balance - acknowledging God is in control, we are sinful and will make mistakes, that no parent is perfect, and that there is no foolproof parenting formula. Yet, at the same time, there are things we can do as parents to be proactive, gospel focussed, and intentional. Worth a read for anyone in or entering the stage of parenting teenagers.


I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Tackling Trauma

Tackling Trauma: Global, Biblical, and Pastoral Perspectives, Paul Barker (Ed). (Langham Partnership, 2019)

My recent review on The Body Keeps the Score noted that while it was an excellent work, as Christians there are other perspectives to consider that overlay secular thought. These include our view of God in the midst of suffering and pain, what forgiveness could look like, how our redemption in Christ changes us, and how ongoing sanctification could impact the person with trauma. To consider what it means to be a child of God and to trust in him as the God of comfort who truly loves and cares for us, even in our brokenness.

So I was thankful to be given this book which considers trauma from a biblical, theological and pastoral perspective. Paul Barker has edited this volume of 20 diverse essays from various scholars, pastors and trauma professionals. It has been compiled with the goal to "help, equip, and encourage pastors who are preaching, teaching and exercising care for people who face potential trauma or indeed have experienced trauma" (p.ix). However, its real distinction is its global perspective. So many resources concentrate on the developed and first world, with a focus on individual and personal traumas. Those are certainly real, significant, and require sensitive pastoral care. However, this book addresses larger scale traumas that communities face of civil war, conflict and natural disaster. These range from the war in Ukraine, civil war in the DRC, and the impact of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, to Typhoon Yolanda in the Philippines and extreme poverty in sub-Saharan Africa. As such, it encompasses a broader view of the impact on communities, not just individual people.

“in non-Western societies, where survivors usually experience suffering in spiritual, religious, family or community terms, there is a need for interventions that facilitate conditions for appropriate communal, cultural, spiritual, and religious healing practices" (Ch 12, p.192)

While every chapter was valuable and had helpful perspectives, there were some that stood out:

Chapter 2 - Praying the Psalms - using the Psalms devotionally to promote post-trauma resilience, for the Psalms are "God’s poetic gift to us that has a powerful therapeutic dimension when prayed in light of the Christian faith.” (p. 17). Indeed, post-traumatic growth and resilience include:

“the ability to find meaning in adversity, gratitude, the ability to forgive, a willingness to seek special support and a capacity to follow one’s own inner moral compass. These resilience factors, in particular, would seem to be things that are part of a faithful Christian life.” (pp.13-14).

Chapter 7 on forgiveness succinctly explores what it might look light in our fallen and not yet redeemed world. 

"The overall scheme and structure of the biblical story suggest that in order for humans to live in consonance with reality, and in order for human actions to respond appropriately to broken reality, they must be forgiving. Thus forgiveness is the most appropriate existential posture, mind-set and roadmap for negotiating through life in this world." (pp.121-122)

Numerous chapters further consider forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing:

"A Christian theological rhetoric of forgiveness ... is one that challenges and encourages people to be disposed to forgive without requiring prior repentance, because God in Christ forgave without requiring prior repentance” (Chapter 5, p.100)

“One of the techniques for processing traumatic memories is to repeatedly return to an envisaged place of safety. The idea of God as The Place in which the world dwells, and therefore as the dwelling place of God’s people and the the individual, offers a truly safe place.” (Chapter 4, p.61)

"Forgiveness is closely related to the themes of sin, repentance and new life and is perhaps the most essential task of Christian living. Nevertheless, forgiving and being forgiven are not simple but rather extremely complex practices...Christian forgiveness is “love practised almost those who love poorly”, which should be distinguished from pardoning, condoning or forgetting." (Chapter 9, p.141)

“God is interested in wholeness and wellness, He designed the human being in a marvelous way, interlinking the spirit, mind and body to work together perfectly. Such a worldview is more holistic and relational, interrelational and positive in nature” (Chapter 17, p.274)

There are also chapters that explore how churches and mental health workers can play a role in traumatised societies, with both practical and pastoral suggestions.

While I read this book cover to cover for the purposes of this review, I see its real value as a resource to dip in and out of. It will have particular application for those ministering to communities of trauma. Yet it has is relevance for all Christians, and especially those who preach and care pastorally. A broader understanding of trauma and a theological understanding of the issues surrounding it and its and implications, will only improve our care for those living with it. This wouldn't be the first book to read on trauma (The Body Keeps the Score would be good for that), but if you want to extend your Christian thinking and consider theological and pastoral responses to it, this is an excellent option.

The Body Keeps the Score

The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk (Penguin, 2014) 

I have been slowly working my way through this seminal work on trauma over the semester. After it sat on my shelf unread for years, taking a trauma-informed therapy course at uni suggested it was now time to read it. 

It’s excellent and I can see why it’s so well regarded by other trauma experts, as well as by numerous health professionals, and the general public. van der Kolk presents the details of trauma, how it impacts the brain and body, and numerous treatment paths in a very digestible, easy to read format. This is impressive, for the book is over 400 pages, and requires reasonable concentration and attention. His storytelling skills are evident as he weaves stories, case studies and examples throughout while also explaining research, outcomes, programmes, and the impacts of public policy. 

Broken into five sections, he begins with the rediscovery of trauma, described through his work with Vietnam veterans. 

“Trauma results in a fundamental reorganisation of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think…For real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.” (p.24) 

He explores the brain and how it is impacted by trauma, and then gives detailed attention to the developmental impact of trauma in children. He supports the view that child abuse is the gravest and most costly public health issue in the US. It’s a sobering observation that, 

“In today’s world your ZIP code [post code], even more than your genetic code, determines whether you will lead a safe and healthy life. People’s income, family structure, housing, employment, and educational opportunities affect not only their risk of developing traumatic stress but also their access to effective help to address it. Poverty, unemployment, inferior schools, social isolation, widespread availability of guns, and substandard housing all are breeding grounds for trauma. Trauma breeds other trauma; hurt people hurt other people,” (p. 418-9) 

If you are around my age (or older), you likely are aware of the prevalent view (of the 80s/90s) that people needed to relive or talk through trauma in all its details to process it. Reading this book (and my study) has clarified that talking therapies alone can be traumatic and triggering, and an integrated phased somatic trauma approach can be much more beneficial. An understanding of what your body & brain is doing, how it responds, and various treatment approaches are all important. It is these pathways to recovery that make up the final section (and almost half the book). He explores reestablishing ownership of your body and mind by finding ways to be present and calm, integrating traumatic memories, EDMR, body awareness through yoga, a parts awareness of our inner selves, psychomotor therapy, neurofeedback and community theatre. Some of these more technical terms may be familiar to those already in the field, but all are well explained and therefore understandable for any reader. 

One could read this book overwhelmed by the challenges that trauma presents to both individuals and our society at large. Yet, there is hope scattered throughout as well. It’s an area with growing understanding and increasingly research proven methods of treatment. People can process and integrate their trauma in ways that enable them to go on to live stable, safe and meaningful lives. 

“Trauma consistently confronts us with our fragility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience.” (p.427) 

For the Christian there are other areas worth exploring that overlay the current secular thinking. These include our view of God in the midst of suffering and pain, what forgiveness could look like, how our redemption in Christ changes us, and how ongoing sanctification could impact the person with trauma. To consider what it means to be a child of God, trust in him as the God of comfort who truly loves and cares for us, even in our brokenness. All areas still to explore. 

This book is an excellent introduction to the current thinking and research on trauma. It is highly recommended for health professionals who want to understand this field better. I would say it also has great benefit for those with trauma, although caution is needed as it is likely to contain triggers, and does require a fair amount of concentration to read.

The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference

The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference (2nd ed). Charles D. Hodges Jr. (Ed.) (New Growth Press, 2023)
This book is intended to be a reference guide for counselling individuals with medical problems, and as such it is a helpful and well researched resource. Its stated goal is to be a tool for those helping those who struggle and are looking for hope. The opening chapters consider general principles when counselling those with a medical or psychiatric (DSM-5) diagnosis. Then it moves to detailed chapters on a wide range of medical and psychological challenges. There is a stronger emphasis on psychological challenges, from anxiety & depression, ADHD & ASD, PTSD, schizophrenia, OCD, post-partum depression, and bipolar disorder. There is information about medications, psychotropic drugs & alternative medicines, and how they impact the body and brain. Chapters that address more medical diagnoses include PMS, dementia, sleep disorders and rheumatological conditions.

There were numerous authors of different chapters, each addressing their areas of expertise. However, it resulted in various tones. Some authors were gentler, more compassionate, and more client-focussed. Others seemed harsher, and quick to call certain challenges sin, and I was left wondering about their compassion with a client struggling with such challenges. It was this variety of language usage that highlighted the range of interpretation amongst biblical counsellors. While titled for “Christian counselors”, actually it’s intended for biblical counsellors, which depending on your definition can be a different thing.

I would have liked to see more consideration of the impact of trauma in people’s lives (this was only touched in with PTSD), and how it can impact both medically and psychologically. But I can see why it was structured around DSM labels, as that is how many medical professionals operate, and how funding is allocated.

I appreciated this comment from Jocelyn Wallace (in a very helpful chapter on postpartum depression):

“My job as a counselor is to love my counselees, to sacrifice to serve them at the most terrible times of their lives, and to suffer with them while they grow in their understanding of God, themselves, and this world we live in.”

Despite my concerns with some aspects, overall this is a helpful resource. A counsellor’s awareness of medical challenges that clients face can only further enable their understanding of their client, and their ability to helpfully work alongside them.


I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Note: as per usual, if quoting a resource I use their spelling (e.g., counselor), but for general usage I follow the Australian convention - counsellor.

The Really Radical Book for Kids

 The Really Radical Book for Kids, Champ Thornton (New Growth Press, 2023)

This is a very welcome sequel to Thornton's first The Radical Book for Kids. Many of the comments I wrote for that review are relevant here, so I'll repeat some of them for those who didn't see it then, or have forgotten about it - or, now have kids in their life in this category and now it seems more relevant!

Let's say you want to give the child in your life a Christian book. But what? They’ve got all the good kids bibles, or have grown out of them. They’ve read (or aren’t interested in) biographies for their age group. They’ve exhausted the kids fiction section (or the ones you think are ok), dabbled in some church history, and tried some apologetics. What next?

This new offering by Champ Thornton, may just be what you are looking for. The Really Radical Book for Kids: More Truth, More Fun doesn’t fit any clear category – and as such, it hits a whole lot of them. Overall subject themes include:

• exploring parts of the bible (e.g., Proverbs & Romans)
• historical people of faith. (e.g., Eric Liddell, Hannah More) 
• faith questions (e.g., How does prayer work? Why go to church?)
• living faithfully (e.g., speech, how to become a Christian)
• life skills & info (e.g., how to deal with parents)
• fun jokes & silly stuff (e.g., how to make a secret code)

Thornton presents biblical material and matters of faith in a fun, different and digestible way for kids. The approach is based around topics and questions. It will be great for for children who know their bibles well, but may not have linked it together thematically; and it will also appeal to those who want more facts and details about the bible accounts, enabling further explanation and a different angle of understanding. 

The 41 chapters are all mixed up, keeping readers interested as to what might come next. It’s marketed at children aged 8-14, and I think many will enjoy it and return to re-read sections. The colourful illustrations, diagrams, maps and charts are engaging and assist the reader in their understanding. It’s also beautifully produced, with highly quality printing and a great embossed cover. Kids will be drawn in with language that is appropriate to their lives, but doesn’t dumb things down. The challenges of life are recognised. The questions that we all ask are openly acknowledged. Simplistic answers aren’t given, but the reader is given the truth from the words of God. 

Add The Really Radical Books for Kids to your gift list and the kids in your life will learn a lot about the bible, find explanations for questions they didn’t know they had, and they'll surprise you with some fun facts along the way too.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

The Care of Souls

The Care of Souls: Cultivating a Pastor's Heart, Harold L. Senkbeil (Lexham, 2019)

Senkbiel writes with a very high view of pastoral ministry. He esteems it as an honour and privilege to be part of, and wants those in ministry to be well equipped by their love of God in Christ, and how that should impact every aspect of their lives.

He starts with a deeply encouraging definition of what a pastor is. He notes the benefit of developing habits and learning from ongoing practice, the work of the spirit in our own and other’s lives, and the joy that comes from the work of pastoring. I felt refreshed and spurred on, rather than overwhelmed at yet another definition of ministry. What was comforting was the reminder that it’s understandable that you will feel ill-equipped, but keep practicing. Yet this is a vocation to be taken seriously, for souls are at stake.

He has a strong view of the power of God’s word to comfort, heal, challenge and sustain. Those in ministry are to uphold his word, and speak it to others in a way that cares, comforts, and gives light. Turning to the specific concept of soul care he suggests that it has two phases - attentive diagnosis and intentional treatment, and that much of soul care operates in the realm of sanctification.

I found the early chapters to be encouraging, refreshing, and challenging. Unfortunately, I felt it dragged in the middle. Chapters and ideas began to feel repetitive, and the whole book was longer than it needed to be. He finished with wisdom for pastors on how to be pastored themselves, both through the ministry of others and by developing personal habits that grow, encourage and nurture. He had wise comments about current times compared to the past and how pastors need to understand the culture and climate they are in, without longing for previous days. Throughout the book he uses farming analogies, having grown up on a farm (in the 1950s) and seeing the links of between the life of a farmer on the land, and the habitus of ministry. I appreciated the analogies and they were well explained, but they won’t work for everyone, especially those who have had no rural exposure to anything.

Senkbeil is Lutheran, and this comes through strongly. He has a very high view of baptism and communion, elevating them to almost to be equal with the power of God’s word. That is, they are the illustrative elements of the power of the gospel to redeem and save. It was good to think this through further, for my tendency is to have a less exalted view of both. Yet, there were also areas that felt close to Catholicism: praying to a crucifix, considering the pastor as able to forgive sins, and the power of the bread and wine in the Lord's supper. In addition, he has a very high view of the pastor, and their power to proclaim the truths of God in people's lives. My guess is this partially comes from an elevated view of ordination and what it endows to the minister. I certainly remember feeling the weight of the promises Husband made before God at his ordinations. 

The other thing that stood out was the focus on male clergy. While the introduction says the book is for men or women, clergy or lay; functionally and linguistically it is written for ordained men. Chapters about sexual sin or temptation generally assumed that those challenges are faced only by men (whether clergy or the congregants). I really found this disappointing, for there are so many in pastoral ministry roles who could be helped by this book, but will likely be excluded by the narrow focus.

I can certainly see why this book has been so well received, being the 2019 Gospel Coalition Ministry Book of the Year and a Christianity Today Book Awards winner. It will certainly elevate your view of pastoral ministry and soul care. Yet, I wish it was more concise, and was written with a wider acknowledgement of the range of men and women in pastoral ministry roles today.

Mini-reviews

Exiles, Jane Harper 
This new Harper novel is the third with Federal Police Detective Aaron Falk as the main character. As with her other books, Harper has crafted an enjoyable and intriguing read. Falk has come to the vineyard town of Maralee in South Australia, for the baptism of his godson Henry, child of good friend Raco and his wife Rita. It’s a satisfying link for this friendship forged in The Dry to be continued here. A pall hangs over the whole Raco clan though, for it’s one year since the disappearance of their good friend Kim, who left her 6-week old baby Zoe behind at a town festival, and no-one is sure what happened. Yet again, Harper has woven the current and past stories so that you have hints along the way of the various relationships in town. While the reveal is sad, Falk is a very likeable character and it’s nice to see his further development. 

The Winners, Fredrik Backman 
This is the third in a series. Two years have passed since the events of Beartown and Us Against You, but the shadows and impacts remain. Backman’s writing is evocative and lyrical, and he weaves stories together in a way that slowly reveals and twists, each time you think you know what is going to happen, and then he changes the focus again and you reset your expectations. I love his writing. You definitely need to read the first two prior, but fans of those will surely enjoy this final instalment.



A Man Called Otto (movie) 

Keeping with the Backman theme, if you liked A Man Called Ove, I do recommend seeing this recent movie release with Otto played by Tom Hanks, and Mariana Treviño as Marisol. It’s a lovely

version of the book, probably because it follows it so very closely. And if you can’t be bothered with the book - that’s fine, try see the movie.










Everything Everywhere All At Once

This movie has just received numerous awards, but I couldn’t see the attraction. I appreciate that is

supposed to be ingenious, with clever sets, eye-catching costumes and skilled actors (including: Michelle Yeoh, Jamie Lee Curtis, & Ke Huy Yuan). I did like the prevalence of older actors in key roles. But it doesn’t make sense. We thought of giving up twice in the middle and should have. Weird premise, super violent at points, and unsatisfying. The website describes it as absurdist comedy drama. There was very little comedy, but it certainly was absurd. It’s shot to the top of the list of my least enjoyed movies.

Couples Therapy

I devoured all five series of this show - three of the US version, and then two of Couples Therapy Australia. They were all excellent, as a skilled therapist worked with different couples over a period of time. 

In the US edition, Dr Orna Guralnik works with couples in New York. The honesty and vulnerability of the couples is amazing as they share their conflicts, pain, past history, disappointments and dreams. What struck me was the therapist’s skill and gentleness with them all, all while trying to remain neutral, and guide the couples to explore their own challenges their own way. Included are some of her sessions with her supervisor, and her self-awareness about how she experiences what she does. As it was filmed over the last few years, it also gave an amazing picture into how Covid affected couples & the therapy process in New York during that first major lockdown (which must have been an absolutely unexpected gift to the producers!)

The Australian version follows the same format, with skilled psychotherapist Marryam Chehelnabi. Of course you have no idea how much editing has played a part, but all in all, the therapists display compassion, understanding and non-judgementalism (as to be expected). Each season includes people with different cultural backgrounds and sexual orientation, and one US season includes a transgender woman. People face the reality of alcohol addiction, racism, childhood abuse, and grief. So, the breadth of humanity’s current experience is explored in depth. On the other hand, you know that you have only seen a small portion of the actual therapy - perhaps 1-2 hours per couple over what must have been regular months of therapy. So it’s just a snippet and there aren’t many tools to take away for personal use (either as a couple or a therapist!)

I loved the production of both, they weren’t dramatic or sensational. Some things couples disclose are hard and painful, and some are wonderful, but nothing was overdone or caricatured. It was all very real. There was so much to learn about the human condition, and how relationships function. Engrossing.

All of these are currently on Paramount +

Bringing Forth Life

Bringing Forth Life, Jodie McIver (Growing Faith, 2023)

I really liked this book by Jodie McIver, which considers pregnancy and birth from a Christian perspective:

“God uses our pregnancy, birth and new parenthood - in all its intensity, joy and pain - to transform us in knowledge and likeness of him.” (p14)

McIver is well equipped to author such a book, being a midwife with three children, who has studied theology and works alongside her husband in ministry. She wants to bring us to a bigger picture of birth - one which considers God’s role in us shaping us and teaching us, and showing us his mercy and care. While it is for anyone, and certainly partners, family, support people, and those in Christian healthcare would benefit, it is really aimed at pregnant women. In addition, being Australian makes it very relevant for our local context, especially regarding options for birth and how pregnancy care is managed.

McIver first explores the realities of bringing forth life. Chapters consider the bible as the ultimate birth story, the privilege of womanhood, and the good changes that God works in us through pregnancy and birth:

“entry into motherhood involves Christ-like works of taking weakness upon ourselves to bring new life to another. We are privileged to join with God in the high calling of bringing forth life through costly love.” (p33)

I really appreciated her body positive comments about how we physically change through the process of entering motherhood. For those that find the physical marks of childbirth hard and long for the pre-baby body, she encourages us to see that our body “is now an upgraded model, complete with marks of life-giving and costly love” (p42).

The second part explores the uncertainty that this stage of life brings, the additional suffering and pain some bear, options for pregnancy care and various testing procedures, as well as choices for giving birth, yet all the whole reminding of the reality that we are not in control, but our sovereign God is.

The final section section explores being a newborn mother - from the moment of meeting your baby, that range of emotions experienced in the early days and weeks, how family changes and the support we can access around us, summing us with wise and insightful comments on the whole process of matrescence (becoming a mother).

“Although it may feel, at times, like we are losing our lives or ourselves in becoming a mother, what we are experiencing is an opportunity for reorientation and radical new growth in Christ’s image. God understands the true cost of bringing forth life.” (p161)

The whole book deftly balances acknowledging and understanding the challenges many women face with the change into motherhood, yet also encouraging us to see the wonder, joy, and privilege of all aspects of becoming a parent. Biblical themes of labour, birth, and parenthood are highlighted and expounded. All of this is embedded in God’s promises and character, and links are regularly drawn between God’s loving and sacrificial care for us and how that can be echoed in how we care for our children. She offers balanced perspectives throughout, honouring choice and options, with a clear respect for the gift of life.

This is an excellent book. Highly recommended reading for any Christian entering parenthood (especially motherhood), and for those who support them. I wish I had it when I was pregnant!

I was given a pre-release ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Families in God's Plan

Families in God’s Plan, Harriet Connor (Growing Faith, 2021)

This online bible study resource is mainly for parents who want to explore their family’s purpose and place in God’s plan. Harriet Connor, author of Big Picture Parents, has provided 12 studies that consider families as being part of creation, affected by the fall, redeemed by Christ, and called to love God and others. While encompassing a definition of family to be extended and multi-generational, the focus is mainly for parents and primary caregivers.

The studies are designed to take about 45 mins, with questions exploring relevant Bible passages, suggestions for how to apply it to your own life, and a Psalm to prompt prayer. An additional “Parents’ Talking Point” box is included at the end of each study.

Over the course of the studies, Connor considers the place of families:

• in creation 
• in a fallen world 
• in the line of Abraham 
• on the foundation of God’s law 
• in God’s family 
• in the light of eternity.

As such, there is a real breadth covered, as well as enough depth for contemplation. I feel the real benefit of these studies will be for parents. Those who take time over the studies and the talking points to discuss the points raised, will likely find it a great opportunity to recheck or even realign their family’s priorities and goals. For those familiar with God’s promises and the overall structure of the bible, there won’t be anything strikingly new here. However, having it all together in one resource is very helpful. I would recommend it for any Christian couple becoming parents or in the earlier years of parenting, or for those who have not really considered their parenting from a Christian lens before.

I had just a few hesitations:

• Study 2 refers to “significant psychological challenges” children have to overcome if not born in a healthy marriage with stable relationships with both parents. This could set up parents in different situations to feel additional burden and guilt. The very large topic of reproductive technologies and surrogacy was raised, but with little guidance or nuance on how to think about it (except to reference a somewhat combative website). 
• Study 8 flags that some Christians think corporal punishment is required. Caution about this view is warranted, rather than just making a general comment either way. 

Overall, these studies are valuable, and will expand anyone’s understanding and vision of God’s plan for families.

[You can purchase them for download here.]


I was given an ecopy of these studies in exchange for an honest review.

Safeguards

Safeguards: Shielding Our Homes and Equipping Our Kids, Julie Lowe (New Growth Press, 2022) 

I continue to be impressed by the resources that Julie Lowe provides parents. As a biblical counsellor, mother of six, and author of Child Proof and Building Bridges, she has much wisdom and experience. Her new offering, Safeguards, encourages parents to “establish a home and a worldview that protects your children.” Her overarching principles are that: 

1. We live in a broken, fallen world.
2. We teach children to navigate the world by helping them learn to discern good from evil and right from wrong. Safety skills are a fruit of this. 
3. Yet, we trust that our safety ultimately rests in the hands of our God. 

She opens with wisdom as the foundation for equipping children with safety skills. This recognises the dangers in our modern world that is technology rich, peer influenced, and self-oriented. Yet, as in every age, our hearts are sinful and our motivations are never pure, and we are called to be salt and light. Neither worry nor denial are safety skills, and we don’t want to raise fearful kids, but equipped kids. A parent’s role is to know their children, where they are vulnerable, and to equip them discerningly for the realities of life and things they may experience. 

 The middle section covers numerous areas in which to equip children with safety skills. This covers a wide range of topics and scenarios:

• sexual abuse 
• teaching kids to evaluate behaviour 
• using role play to practice managing situations 
• key topics to discuss: abuse, sex, respect & privacy, when it’s OK and not OK to be uncomfortable, and being able to say no 
• technology and how to use it 
• bullying, if kids get lost, sleepovers, babysitters, & safety plans. 

Each has wise advice and suggestions, acknowledging that each family will make their own decisions. 

The final section considers safety with teenagers and young adults. The chapter headings give a fair idea of what is covered: 

• Teenagers needs genuine relationships with God and their parents
• Comparison, peer pressure and treating others with respect 
• Sex and dating 
• Social media and technology safety 
• Pornography and sexting 
• Alcohol abuse, drugs and smoking/ vaping 
• Navigating mental health struggles (of kids and their friends) 
• Safety skills for growing independence - when in public, driving, etc. 
• Online dating, consent, and campus life 

Lowe finishes with the comfort and encouragement that God is our refuge and strength and very present help in trouble. Whatever situations we and our children will face, we can still turn to the Lord for help. 

Some parents may read this and feel overwhelmed. But much of it is proactive, wise, common sense applied to the challenges of parenting. Only some will be applicable for the stage you are at, so you can read what is relevant and come back to the rest later. The advantage of this information in one book means that it may operate as an alert to remind you of things you have put off addressing with your kids, or may raise issues you have not yet thought about. A helpful resource for parents. 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Angry with God

Angry with God: An Honest Journey through Suffering and Betrayal, Brad Hambrick (New Growth Press, 2022) 

This is the fifth and final book in the new Ask the Christian Counselor Series by New Growth Press. Brad Hambrick skilfully leads the reader through an exploration and processing of their anger and grief due to suffering, betrayal or loss. As such, it’s quite specific - aimed at the Christian who is angry with God or others for what has happened to them. Hambrick helps with processing the hot emotions of grief in a way that allows for self-reflection, honesty, discovery, and growth. 

With very small, bite sized chapters, Hambrick logically leads through a compassionate exploration. He starts by considering anger itself, and how to pace oneself along the path of exploring it. He guides in the construction of a timeline of events and topography of pain to chart the emotion connected with it. He strongly encourages the finding of close friends with whom you can walk the path. These are helpful set-ups for the deep work he later encourages. Starting to address the theological complications of how to view pain and suffering, he comforts with the truth that your pain is not a riddle to be solved (why? why me?), but an experience to be processed and a journey to be endured. 

Section 2 (Articulating your pain) leads the reader to analyse the events that led to the anger and distress. Explore what was good amongst the pain, what happened factually (enabling you to move from primarily emotions to learning and considering). Whether things that God’s people did affected your relationship with God, and what other things made the pain worse. All of these help to move from angry grief to memorialising grief. Section 3 is a detailed exploration of the multifaceted effects of the pain played out in emotions, thoughts, relationships, choices, and our view of God. This is where honest assessment of how we have reacted to our situation has played a part and how we have choices moving forwards. Section 4 is where resolution begins to come as our faith matures, we understand suffering as part of life, we accept that we only understand partially. So, we make decisions of how to live moving forwards, and how to move towards hope. Section 5 brings the reader back to the gospel through the lens of creation, fall, redemption, sanctification, and glorification. Having done the hard work of grief and anger processing, hopefully the promises of God for this life and the life to come now bring further hope and understanding. 

There is a lot of value in this short book. Hambrick uses counselling skills and processes skilfully, and sensitively combines them with gospel truths. It is a counselling tool in your own hands. Additionally, a counsellor could use this to assist a client through a grief process. While not naming them, many concepts he flagged were familiar to standard counselling practice - the timeline, Neimeyer’s meaning making through grief, Stroebe’s & Schut’s dual process grief model, and various CBT concepts. A very helpful resource.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.  

When the Noise Won't Stop

When the noise won’t stop: A Christian guide to dealing with anxiety, Paul Grimmond (Matthias Media, 2022)

Current figures indicate that anxiety is the most common mental health condition in Australia, with 1 in 4 people experiencing it at some stage in their life (Beyond Blue). Therefore, this new book by Australian pastor and teacher, Paul Grimmond, is a timely offering exploring anxiety for Christians. Grimmond shares his own long-term struggles with anxiety as well as that of others. It is theologically and biblically rich, considering how anxiety impacts the believer, whether anxiety is a sin, and how to live with its challenges.

“This book is an attempt to create a biblically faithful framework for understanding anxiety and then to apply the framework to living with anxiety” (p. 19)

The book engages with anxiety as a mental health condition (not the stresses of day to day life). Its main focus is for “people who struggle with the distress and difficulty of living with anxiety”, but also for those who support others, be they family, friends or pastors. Grimmond notes that the the topic is neither simple nor does he want to be simplistic, so the book goes a bit deeper because it requires considered thought. I appreciated this warning, but at 200 pages it doesn’t feel overly long. It is longer than most books these days, but its structure, style, and personal touches means it doesn’t feel overblown.

Starting with a quick history of psychology and some presuppositions, Grimmond then turns to God’s word. Up front he concedes that Phil 4:6 (Do not be anxious about anything…) is the most challenging passage for many with anxiety, and has led some to conclude that anxiety is sin. He wants us to have a broader, more nuanced lens considering anxiety, concerns, and fear as presented in the bible. Fear and
anxiety are “emotional responses to God and his world that can be either helpful or unhelpful, healthy or sinful” (p. 53).

Exploring the concept of living in fallen minds and bodies, Grimmond points out that anxiety exists because we live in a world broken by sin, because our biology is affected by the fall, and because there is a psychological component to it.

The then draws three conclusions which shape the remainder of the book:

• anxiety is a complex problem with a complex solution 
• those with anxiety are both sinners and sufferers (as is every person), and 
• we need to take responsibility, while also acknowledging that we are not fully in control 

He leads the reader to see the that gospel is indeed the answer to anxiety, but not in a simplistic way.

“If anxiety is a complex reality, affected by the fallenness of the world, shaped by the chemistry occurring in a body that awaits its final renewal, and arising in a person who still struggles with sin, then shouldn't our normal expectation be that rather than beating anxiety, the goal is to learn to live wisely with it in a way that honours Jesus?” (p. 87)

He then considers how sin contributes to anxiety. I felt he explored the balance carefully here. He is quick to point out that having anxiety is not sin, yet our sinfulness can contribute to our anxiety. So, sometimes that will mean facing the unhelpful patterns and behaviours that contribute to our sinfulness (which every person on earth has), and how they might feed our anxiety, or be impacted by it. Then, he exhorts the reader to find the security to confront sin - by confessing, trusting in our heavenly Father as his beloved and precious children, trusting the Lord knows our hearts and struggles, and always resting in God’s grace and mercy.

In exploring how to respond to anxiety, first we are to engage our minds in fellowship with others. This chapter explored the benefits of counselling, the importance of healthy self-talk (“stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself”), and persevering in the basics of the Christian life (church, fellowship, bible reading, etc). We are also to care for our bodies with good diet, exercise, sleep, breathing and relaxation. He notes how that medication can be of value, and that we should make wise choices to expose ourselves to our anxiety (rather than avoid situations that lead to it). There is discussion about prayer, and how it can be hard for the anxious person, yet God keeps inviting us to come to him.

One chapter focuses on those who support others with anxiety, encouraging godly friendship with emotional awareness and healthy mutuality not dependence. He also has some very pastorally gentle encouragement for those who care for those with anxiety while also struggling themselves (eg. parents with their children).

In the end, Grimmond encourages hope for those who are wearied by anxiety. It will get better, God will use the struggle, and in the end, he will bring us home.

This is a great book for the Christian with anxiety and those who want to help them. It is biblically rich and theologically sound, giving a framework for understanding. Grimmond is pastorally sensitive and gentle, he speaks the truth in love, and encourages change and hope for believer with anxiety.

I Want to Escape

I want to escape: Reaching for hope when life is too much, Rush Witt (New Growth Press, 2022) 

On first glance at this title, I assumed it was about someone contemplating suicide. While it does indeed address that topic, the escapes that Witt talks about are much more wide ranging. As such this book is more widely applicable that I first thought.

Witt notes the overwhelming desire we have to escape. Whether it’s through distraction, denial or destruction, we all have a tendency to avoid the challenges of life and to choose what seems to be an easier path.

I liked Witt’s honesty throughout. He is compassionate as he explores the many reasons and ways we choose to escape. Yet, he calls us to a better way - a courageous dependence on God in midst of our challenges. 

“When life overwhelms us, we often see escape as our only option. But through Scripture, God welcomes us to walk his better way: the way of grace-enabled, faith-directed, Christ-centered, Word-delivered, glory-focused dependence on God.”

His goal is:

• To gain a better understanding of why escape appeals to us 
• To learn to draw near to Jesus, who remains closer than a brother 
• To develop practical plans to shape our response to trouble

Early on he chooses 1 Cor 10:13 as a key verse:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

On this he notes: “our trouble is common, our God is faithful, and that courageous dependence is the way toward peace and rest”.

The plan moving forwards is three-fold:

• pray with humility 
• believe with gospel hope 
• act with courageous dependence 

This plan is then applied over following chapters to the four main escape routes that people take:

1. Denial 

Denial doesn’t work in the end, we need to face our problems. There is benefit to enduring trials - they prove the genuineness of our faith, they make the beauty of faith appear, and they purify & increase our affection for Christ.

2. Distraction

We distract ourselves in so many ways - some more mindless (maybe TV, gaming, social media). Others may cause more harm - substances, overeating, etc. Others might look good - always being busy or always saying yes to serving, but still function as a distraction from our concerns.

“Our idolatry takes center stage when we turn to a myriad of distractions and discredit God’s power and purposes. As we’ve seen, every escape route begins with a false belief or promise. I often find in my heart the belief that some distracting activity is surely better or more enjoyable than facing trouble with God.”

3. Deflect & destroy (deflecting responsibility and behaving in self-destructive ways). This one is harder to face because it’s anchored in us showing we are right, others are wrong and someone else is to blame.

However, we meet our challenges with gospel hope:

“When facing a difficult situation we should profess with confidence, I am here (1) by God’s appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, and (4) for his time. The only way to work through overwhelming hardships is by remembering God’s loving care in all times. When we feel cornered by circumstances we can’t control, we can know God holds us and our circumstances in his hands.”

4. Death

This honest and gentle chapter included a detailed contribution from Witt’s wife Kathryn who shares her personal struggles with depression and wishing for the release of death.

He focuses here on 1 Cor 10:13 again - you are not alone, your troubles are ‘common to man’, others have faced what you are walking through and help is found in Christ through his Spirit.

Witt finishes bringing the reader back to the reminder that “after darkness, there is light”. We have hope in Christ, he walks with us, and so we turn to him in prayer, we believe the gospel, and we act with courageous dependence, trusting in him to be alongside us as we walk the difficult path.

A gospel-focussed, short and instructive book that helps people to identify their own escapes and avoidances, and encourages a more fruitful path. Another helpful addition to the Ask the Christian Counselor series.


I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

I Have a Psychiatric Diagnosis

I Have a Psychiatric Diagnosis: What Does the Bible Say? Edward T. Welch (New Growth Press, 2022)

This very short book tries to address some very big topics, and overall does a pretty solid job of it. Welch is trying to bridge the divide between the reality of psychiatric diagnoses and what that means spiritually, so that we can understand:
- What God says, &
- How the bible speaks in ways that help you find wisdom, rest, and hope in Jesus, with a diagnosis

“Psychological categories help us see important human struggles. Spiritual categories include those struggles and help us see more. Spiritual indicates that God speaks in every detail of our lives, and we need him in every detail.”

He carefully balances the wisdom of learning from the world, medicine and health, with what we find in God’s word. 

“Careful observations, like those of the mental health sciences, help us to see important things; Scripture reveals what is most important. It opens our eyes to what is unseen and eternal.”

So, his approach is to:

• Listen to God and get help from his people. This including returning to the gospel and understanding that Jesus calls us to speak to him about our struggles, and to believe the gospel and how it practically impacts our lives with mental health struggles 
• Listen and learn from those who have experience. This includes medical specialists, those who understand and live with it, and exploring options such as medication. 

“These two approaches anchor the rhythm in what is ahead—listen to Scripture and God’s people, listen to those who have experience, listen to what God says. Back-and-forth. Listen, learn, ask for help. The cycle continues until you understand your struggles (or another’s struggles) better and have ways to help. What is important is that Scripture has the final words of hope.”

From this point, Welch explores four areas:

1. Anxiety and panic disorders. This is a helpful simple chapter, pointing to the wisdom of the world in recognising panic and anxiety and that all is not right, then turning us to God and how seeking him and the gospel speaks to our deepest anxieties and give us freedom to bring them to the Lord. 

“Faith simply acknowledges that you are desperate and needy, and only Jesus can give what you most deeply need. Your panic attacks have exposed the delusion that life is just fine—you can manage on your own—and it is good news when delusions are exposed. When we feel in control, we have no reason to turn to the Lord.”

2. Trauma. This is really a primer on trauma, helping the reader to understand its impacts and challenges. Turning to the gospel, we can see that God knows you and loves you, he has entered dark places to find you, he cleanses you from shame, and makes your future new. He encourages the person who has experienced trauma to find words to describe their experience, and speak them to God and to others. 

3. Depression. This chapter encouraged starting with listening to God and his people, and speaking our concerns, doubts, worries and melancholy to the Lord remembering that Christ is our faithful helper and friend. There is an encouragement to share your life with others, no matter how hard it feels.

4. Narcissism - this was a confusing chapter, for it was aimed at the person interacting with the narcissist, not the narcissist themselves. It does seek to find common ground for we are all sinful, we get to know their story, and assume they are normal human beings. But even this felt discordant with the rest of the book, and a little condescending.

“The narcissist has no problem, at least none that he or she feels. If there is any problem, it is you. Your disloyalty, your base ignorance and overt stupidity, your lessness. So you begin by finding words that help you understand someone else. You first go out and listen to what others are saying.”

The book abruptly ends after this chapter, with a list of further reading recommendations. I couldn’t figure out why more wasn’t included. The introduction mentions anorexia, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, substance abuse, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia. I was surprised that narcissism was included over some of the others, and would have appreciated a reason for choosing to address only those four. Each chapter finishes with questions, but they were so open ended as to almost be unhelpful, with each including: “What questions do you have?”. I’m not sure that helps anyone unless you provide a way for them to explore it further.

You can hear Welch’s care & compassion for people in his writing, but I felt this book fell a little short on what it was trying to offer.

I received a ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

The Art of Rest

The Art of Rest, Adam Mabry (The Good Book Company, 2018)

I often have a book about rest on my shelf waiting to be read. I’m sure it is due to God’s gentle prompting that I grab it when we go on holidays. For me, times of leave are good times to think further about rest and its purpose. In the past, I have delved into The Art of Rest (Claudia Hammond), and Refresh (Shona & David Murray) as well as others that touch on this idea: The Busy’s Christian’s Guide to Busyness, Serving without Sinking, Zeal without Burnout, Going the Distance, and so on.

I really liked this short book from Adam Mabry. He starts acknowledging he is an unlikely candidate to write about rest, having pushed himself too much for way too long. Yet, he also concedes - if he has been able to learn how to rest, you can too.

Overarching the book are two themes - rest is a gift (from God, given for very good reasons) and rest is an art (there is no one way to do it, but rather to find ways that suit you).

Beginning with a history lesson of rest and why God has given it to us, we are reminded that it is truly a gift from a loving God: 

“If God is a hurried taskmaster constantly turning knobs and pushing buttons, frantically refining his work, it's hard to imagine resting with him. But if God the Father, Son, and Spirit are the very definition of love, and fundamentally relational, and the idea of resting with him becomes more than imaginable. It becomes desirable.” 

What struck me was his link to the fact that once the temple was a place to meet God, now that we have the spirit and our bodies are a temple to the Lord. So, he calls the Sabbath a time temple - a chance for us to stop and rejoice in God in our lives, “but do we have the time -do we make the time - to Sabbath, to experience a time holy to God?”

Following chapters explore:

• Rest allows remembering - God, ourselves, the meaning of life, and grace. 

“The story of the whole Bible is in many ways the story of a people who always forget their God and a God who always remembers his people”

• Rest is resistance. All work is done for one of two ends - to glorify God or justify your existence, “rest is an act of profound resistance against the siren call of self justification”. Rest helps us to resist anxiety, autonomy, coercion and idolatry. 

• Rest restores relationships - with God and others. There were four questions for self-examination: 

1. Are you really interested in having a relationship with God? 
2. Where is rushing ruining your relationship with God and others? 
3. In what ways have your tried to silence your inner murmur of self-reproach? 
4. Will you stop waiting to rest? 

• Rest brings reward. ”Rest anticipates the destination along the journey, because it offers an experience akin to being at the destination even while we are on the journey.” 

• Gifts of real rest - reward of memory (who we are in Christ), reflection, security (in our sonship), endurance (“if we want to keep going, we need to keep stopping”) and anticipation.

He finishes with what resting might actually look like. First, it’s not about following a rule, rather finding patterns that suit you daily (small allowances to breathe, pray, eat, reflect and worship), weekly, and annually. He suggests including: sleep, reading, prayer, reflection, avocation (eg hobbies, something that is not your job), recreation, eating, and singing, but with the encouragement to find your own activities of rest.

A very helpful book. Short and concise, but with enough to prompt thought and encouragement, and hopefully a desire to rest, understanding it is indeed a gift and an art, and necessary to grow in in order to thrive.

Anxious About Decisions

Anxious about Decisions: Finding Freedom in the Peace of God, Michael Gembola (New Growth Press, 2022)

Do you find yourself overwhelmed by decisions? Find it hard to make them, or feel anxious about the implications, that “what ifs?” Do you overthink, gather lots of advice, feel self-doubt, feel unable to trust others, or delay in decision making so long that you lose opportunities? If this is you, you are likely to find some helpful guidance here. Michael Gembola’s general message is:

“God uses your decision-making to help you grow up and mature as a Christian. Decision-making is an arena for spiritual formation.” 

As such, decisions are not usually about discovering God’s will in the specifics, rather God uses times of decision making to make us more peaceful and to make us better stewards.

“My own conviction is that God is more interested in growing us up as Christians and helping us learn how to make wise decisions, rather than making decisions for us via impressions or authority figures.”

Part 1 explores decision anxiety - how it works (by trying to eliminate risk), and how we make it worse (by overthinking, overconsulting, overchecking, and avoidance). He notes that God tells us his moral will, but not the answers to nonmoral questions. There are helpful warnings about relying on feeling and testing God for his guidance:

“It’s hard to live with the reality that we don’t know all we’d like to know before we make decisions, and that in most nonmoral decisions, we won’t ultimately know with perfect assurance we’re making the right decision, or the decision that will lead to the outcomes we desire.”

Part 2 explores where decision anxiety comes from - notably the cultural challenges of young adulthood, and family background.

Growing into spiritual maturity is the key:

“But what a beautiful thing it is to be deeply at peace, to be spiritually steady, to be loving and serving others even when you feel stuck, to be able to take small, constructive steps even when you feel confused or anxious.”

Part 3 explores three main areas: marriage, vocation, and the smaller things.

With marriage - the key advice is that you need to know God and know yourself to have wisdom to make this major life decision.

“As you have a better sense of your goals and dreams in life, you have a better sense of who would be a good fit to pursue those with you—and whose goals and dreams you’d like to sign on to as well.”

He encourages the prayerful consideration of a partner’s compatibility, character and your connection with them. I thought these were wise considerations for anyone in the discernment stage of a relationship. And he does advice listening to your anxiety in this area - it may be telling you something you haven’t yet managed to put into words. 

With vocation he encourages working toward faithful stewardship and peace, and we steward in community.

“We must learn to be faithful stewards of the little corner of creation that God has invited us to cultivate. Knowing what job is a good fit for us requires us to go a step further than interests and talents. So vocation—calling—is not primarily something found inside us. It suggests that someone is doing the calling—there is a voice; there are words for us from outside of us”

The final chapter explores smaller decisions that cause anxiety and also touches on the traits that tend toward obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD): “I want you to consider decisions about the small stuff as small steps of faith and trust.” He advises that decision making is a learned skill, so take the risk, accept our imperfections and mistakes, and see incremental progress.

“One final piece of ancient advice from believers long ago who were quite familiar with the overscrupulous conscience is this: whatever anxiety tells you to do, do the opposite. If it tells you not to risk going out, go out. If it tells you to pray longer, don’t. Consider anxiety an unreliable guide.”

Gembola explicitly does not provide a protocol for making good decisions, but does provide resources at the end for those who would like that. It does also seem aimed slightly more at young adults, who are working thought some of the major decisions he discusses, however I think it has applicability for many.  decisions. He finishes with the encouragement of our goal:

“we aim to follow Christ with a humble confidence that leads to neither a deficit nor an excess of decisiveness. If we are rooted and grounded, we’ll be able to say no when we need to, and our yes will be meaningful and not only conflict avoidance. We’ll step out to love and serve neighbors. We’ll follow God’s calling and God’s will in our lives. And with these roots, we’ll be steady.”

This is a useful contribution to the Ask the Christian Counselor series. It’s a somewhat specific topic, but will be very helpful for those to whom it applies.

I was given an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Build a Stronger Marriage

Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine (New Growth Press, 2022)

I have had the opportunity to review a new series of books by New Growth Press called Ask The Christian Counselor and I’ll tell you about them over coming weeks.

First up is Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, Bob Lepine

Aimed at couples in struggling marriages, Lepine has written a gospel-focussed book that gives hope and guidance for those that may have lost their way. He starts considering the wrong reasons and expectations many have when they marry, then brings the reader back to remind them of their true purpose:

“If your goal is to have a marriage that pleases you, you will face ongoing, perpetual frustration and disappointment. But when your goal is to have a marriage that is pleasing to God, each challenge you face along the way will be a fresh opportunity to fix what’s broken and make ongoing progress toward that goal.”

He explores the four main problem areas of the past that influence a marriage: family of origin issues, childhood trauma, issues of shame and guilt related to sex, and unaddressed relational wounds. These are not dealt with in depth, but have enough content for you to identify whether you are impacted by them and may need additional help in working through them. The reader is then brought back to their restoration in Christ, and the encouragement that our past does not define our future.

Lepine proposes that the essentials in any marriage are: putting anger to death, determining when to overlook things and when to confront, and the crucial role of repentance, confession, and forgiveness. These were honest chapters laying responsibility for our behaviour clearly at our own feet. I was also pleased to see the caveat that gracious forgiveness does not extend to abusive or controlling relationships without repentance.

Encouraging us to put off sin, and put on the fruits of the spirit, he posits four best practices of marriage - generous forgiveness, extravagant love, enthusiastic encouragement, and common convictions.

Considering the length of the book (100 pages), I was surprised by the amount of quality content. Each chapter is punchily short, but with enough to consider, challenge, and engage with, as well as illustrations and examples to make his points clearer.

Each chapter ends with a section “Practical steps for real change” where the real work is done personally, with the encouragement to write answers to the questions. The focus is on you, the reader, and Lepine asks you to honestly consider the part you play in your marriage, not your spouse - for the only person you can change is you. Obviously, couples that work through this together with a desire for change will reap the most benefit.

An excellent short book for those wanting godly guidance, wisdom and suggestions for growth and change.

This is how your marriage ends

This is How Your Marriage Ends, Matthew Fray (Souvenir Press, 2022)

This new relationship book stands out with its raw honesty and frank assessment of just how awful divorce is. Fray’s life came apart when his wife left with their young son. Once he worked through his anger and blame of her, he started to think more about his role in the breakdown of their marriage. This led to a blog, relationship coaching, and now a book.

“My overarching premise is that good people who want to be married accidentally hurt one another and betray each other's trust without either partner being aware of it as it is happening until their marriage slowly becomes toxic and/or ends.” (p8)

Fray thought he was a good guy - he never hurt people intentionally, he provided, and he cared. But he came to the conclusion that good people can make bad spouses when they do not try to understand their partner’s emotions. He frames one of his key concepts around the “invalidation triple threat”.

#1 - My wife’s thoughts were wrong - what she thinks happened is wrong.
#2 - My wife’s feelings were wrong - how she feels about it is wrong.
#3 - The justifiable defence - defending or explaining your actions to justify the two things above.

“Constantly, and most of the time unconsciously, we invalidate the lived experiences of the people we love. With great conviction, we tell them to their faces that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong. We tell them that their feelings are wrong. And we tell them that their treatment of us is wrong - that it’s unfair.” (p127)

Rather, he has come to realise:

“I want to be a person who chooses to comfort and support the people I love when they feel hurt or sad or afraid rather than try to convince them that they SHOULDN’T feel these things. (p147)

“If any of us want to succeed in dating, marriage, parenting, or friendship, we need to replace this habit of judgment with something else. Curiosity. Empathy. Encouragement.” (p122)

He proposes with 6 key relationship skills to practice and master:

#1 - Choosing safety and trust over being ”right”
#2 - Know your partner almost as well as you know yourself
#3 - Differentiating between character flaws and habits
#4 - Arguing or criticising effectively - goal is not to win, but to arrive at truth.
#5 - Connection rituals
#6 - Move the dots closer

“Every day - every conversation, every moment - is an opportunity to move closer to one another or further apart. You get to choose.” (171)

Some things I liked about this book:

• His raw honesty. A man who will share in detail his emotional and physical reactions when his wife left, and his owning of his own mistakes as a result is worth listening to. It has value if it stops a divorce that could have been prevented by alarming people so much as to the consequences. (Note: he thinks his wife was right to leave him, but he grieves that it had to be that way). 

• His assessment that people are not taught how to relate well, have few skills at it, and this is something that is crucial for youth and young adults. 

“One of the ways we can make this world a better place is by getting collectively serious about educating both ourselves and younger generations about the knowledge and skills we will need to excel in our human relationships." (p39)

“We are not taught, nor are we teaching our kids the truth that nothing in life will affect us more profoundly as our closest interpersonal relationships - namely, marriage or a romantic relationship that looks and feels like marriage.” (p79)

• He challenges couples to honestly consider that their marriage should come before their kids. 

• He challenges men never to put their wife in the position of having to do something for them that their mother did. So, work together to manage the mental load, the second shift, and the emotional labour in the home. 

Other things to note:

• It’s written from a secular point of view. Which is totally fine, just different from most relationship books I review here. He is somewhat ambivalent about pornography use. It’s crass at points and includes a fair amount of swearing. I’m not convinced all concepts are referenced (e.g., his 6 second hug is very close to Gottman’s 6 second kiss). Practically, it was a bit too wordy and could have used a cleaner edit. At the same time, some more specific relationship examples might have been beneficial (often examples were about other aspects of life). 

• It really is aimed at men and how they fail their wives. Because he is a man who has done so, it has credibility, but it does seem very one-sided. I’m not sure how well it would go for a wife to read this, decide it describes her husband, and then put it in his hands. So, perhaps men need to recommend it to men. 

• On a broader note - it continues the stereotype that women are emotional and men are rational, and neither can do the other well. 

• I can see it’s usefulness for those relationships with regular conflict and with accusations of not understanding each other. It could be of help to those who are new to considering emotions and their partner’s point of view.

In conclusion, it was an interesting read. I am appreciative of extra voices in the relationship space, and there is something refreshing about someone openly admitting their failings and learnings. Having said that, if you need relationship help and want to use a book to guide you, I’d probably suggest Gottman over this (either The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) or his newer one with his wife Schwartz Gottman: Eight Dates.