I Still Do

I Still Do, Dave Harvey 

As far as I can tell, there aren’t many marriage books that focus on later life. For that reason, I was very excited to read this book and see how Harvey addressed the challenges that marriages face over the long haul.

While it is good and helpful, it isn’t as strong a treatment as I was hoping for. Harvey has also written When sinners say "I do", and this appears to be partially a corrective, noting that yes, two sinners are living together but that not all struggles in a marriage can be narrowed down to sin. 

"I want to help you identify profound factors that shape your marriage – influences that can’t so easily be traced back to sinful desires. We often encounter weaknesses or personality differences in marriage and instantly try to moralise them. We assign motives and then ascribe sin to spouse’s actions and omissions. But cultivating a durable marriage involves recognising that our brokenness is broader than sin."

"To thrive in marriage over the long haul we need to care for our spouse as a whole person. That means seeing how God’s good news speaks not only to their sin but also to their suffering, weakness, family history, disappointed dreams, physical limitations, and changes in sexual appetite."

He breaks the books into three sections: starting together, sticking together and ending together. He has structured chapters around the idea of ‘defining moments’, when you realise something crucial about your marriage, yourself or your partner.

Early chapters consider the realisation that our brokenness (and our spouse’s) is broader than sin and how we need to see our spouse as a whole person:

“The need to see our spouse as a whole person – a person full of sin and grace, weakness and strength; a person with a broken and beautiful human body wrapped around an eternal soul.”

He then looks at how we manage and accept blame and weakness in marriage, as he says: “Marriage is the union of two people on a journey to discover their weakness.”

The central section considers the moment when you realise family can’t replace church, which was helpful but focussed on the nuclear family (how you manage your children etc). It would have been interesting to see this extended to parents, in-laws and extended family and what it means to for us to prioritise the family of God.

I found this section the most helpful including how you face your spouse’s suffering, what it means for sex to change with age, and what it means to really understand mercy,

"Marriage, particularly an ageing one, becomes an awakening to the mercy of God. A place of safety where we see each other as God sees us (as we are, without any masks) and where we learn to respond to the way he does (with kindness and compassion). In this way, marriage becomes a sanctuary. For two people growing older together, it’s a reprieve from the world, a place of refuge – a home where two sinners can dwell peaceably in the comfort of mercy."

The final section considers when dreams disappoint as well as when the children leave. It was a shame that the focus in this chapter was on children who leave to marry, it could have been written in a way that made it broader, rather than just passing references to single children also moving out. Many couples have children leave home long before they are married, if they ever do, and it seemed a missed opportunity to consider that it more depth.

"Letting go of a son or daughter is a significant test. It reveals how much we trust God’s sovereignty in our kids’ lives; it reveals where our own emotional security is rooted; and it reveals, in a significant way, what we truly understand about leadership."

He finishes with the idea that closure is overrated.

“What does a married couple do when hard things continue, when the problems seem hopelessly open-ended? How do we make sense of situations where resolution would appear to bring so much glory to God? How do we go on when that experience remains elusive and unreachable, taunting our hopes? How should we respond when a lack of resolution becomes so oppressive and burdensome that a marriage risks collapsing under the strain?”

There is an honesty here about the struggles that some face over the course of a marriage, and an encouragement to realise some things never get tied up neatly in a bow.

In the end, there are good things covered here and these are certainly issues long term couples need to consider, but I felt the way it was written at times hindered rather than helped.

Firstly, while there are good principles, I felt the whole book stays one step away from hard practical application. The tables at the end of each chapter help to consider the content of each chapter, but there could have been more questions or things for couples to work through together. For example I think many readers would want more detail about the implications of their sex life changing, what it might look like and what continuing to love and serve each other with grace could look like in later years.

Secondly, while the topics he covers are good, I’m not convinced the wording used is the most helpful. I wonder if some Christians looking at the chapter headings might not immediately see the relevance for themselves.

Thirdly, there is an over-reliance on illustrations, and they often muddy the application rather than clarifying it. At one point over about five pages, he references King Tut’s beard, a hurricane, Star Wars, Hillbilly Elegy, CS Lewis, King Lear and John Owen. The final chapter is an extended retelling of Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich, which seemed a convoluted way to finish. It might be readily applicable if you have read it and appreciated it but otherwise you have to do the work to understand that story and then figure out why it is being used. It would have been much more powerful and helpful if numerous illustrations and stories were dropped and instead direct use of God’s word and then application to marriage was prioritised.

This is a helpful treatment on marriage into later life, and one I will probably return to again in future years. Harvey has certainly emphasised the gospel of grace and mercy and how that can affect all aspects of marriage and life together. Taking time to identify and work though some of the defining moments of a marriage will have benefit for every couple, whether they have been married five years or fifty.