Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, Gary Chapman

One of the things my husband and I love about our ministry is helping couples to prepare for marriage. We are in an age where it’s all about the big wedding day, yet little thought goes into preparing both partners for life together (or being two sinful people living side by side).

As part of that, I like to keep up to date with books not only for those who are already married but those who are preparing for marriage.

There are many of these books around and a wander through any Christian bookstore will get you a bag of them. This offering by Gary Chapman (author of the well-known The Five Love Languages, etc) is a good addition to the collection.

Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married deals with all those misconceptions that we enter into at the beginning of a marriage, which if we are not prepared for or willing to talk about can quickly pop the ‘in love bubble’ and require some serious attention.

With chapters dealing with the following, I’m sure some will ring bells for the marrieds among us who have had to deal with these things:

• That being ‘in love’ is not enough to build a marriage
• That ‘like mother, like daughter’ and ‘like father, like son’ is not a myth
• That toilets are not self-cleaning
• That apologising is a sign of strength
• The forgiveness is not a feeling
• That finances must be discussed & managed
• That mutual sexual fulfilment is not automatic
• That you are marrying into a family
• That different levels of faith /matters of belief impact you deeply
• That personality profoundly influences behaviour.

Every chapter was short, anecdotal and dealt with a very recognisable and common issue. He presented the issues and gave couples ways to talk things through together.

Two things I got out of it from a marriage preparation perspective:

1. We have never suggested couples talk about their roles/jobs in marriage in our preparation time. We talk about Christian roles in marriage and what that might look like. But that is completely different from who will do the finances, wash the car, clean the house, do the washing, cooking, etc. A conversation about who thinks who will do what (at least at the beginning) is a practical and worthwhile conversation to have before you return from your honeymoon and both of you realise neither of you ever planned on cleaning the bathroom!

2. I did not fully agree with his chapter on how personality influences behaviour. These were often comparisons between night owl/early riser, introvert/extrovert, clean/slob, etc. All accurate and helpful points with the exception of the suggestion that you cannot change your/the other person’s personality but you both have to learn to live with it. I completely disagree. You can change these tendencies, and marriage is a continual compromise where we each learn to give a little as we live together and love and serve the other. But, all in all, a minor point.

This is a useful resource for those who are engaged or in a serious relationship and want to think through some of the issues of being together more seriously. The two people I know in these situations who recommended it to me agree!

Wolf Hall

Wolf Hall, Hilary Mantel

This epic story is of Thomas Cromwell, who grew from an obscure poor background to be the most important person in King Henry VIII’s court. He orchestrated the annulment of Henry and Catherine of Aragon’s marriage so the King was free to marry Anne Boleyn.

Now you know I love long books and a good long involved story. But even for me, this one was too long and moved too slowly. I had to make myself read the first third until I got interested in what was happening.

It is set in a time of history which has interested me since learning about it in Year 8 and which most ‘anglos’ will have some knowledge: Tudor England, Henry and his 6 wives. It gives much more detail than most of us will be aware (although written as fiction). You meet other people of history along the way, such as Cranmer and Tyndale, which from a church history point of view is interesting. If you know nothing at all about this period of history, there is a good chance you will be quickly and permanently lost.

This is definitely not one for whom English is a second language. It is not easy to read. Her descriptions of events and people are subtle and you need to pay persistent attention to what is going on, let alone be able to follow an extensive list of characters, many of whom names change throughout as they are either bestowed with new titles or removed them by the king.

My knowledge of Cromwell is so limited I was not exactly sure what happened to him in the end, although considering the time and the probabilities, I was pretty sure he would be executed somewhere down the track. (This is a somewhat embarrassing admission since I suspect we may have covered this in Reformation Church History at Bible College). However, I was a bit disappointed to discover that I have to read on to find out, this is only the first in an intended trilogy. When I have some time and energy I may move on to Bring up the Bodies, but I won’t be rushing into it!

Compared to her...

Compared to her…, Sophie de Witt

I was delighted to receive this from a friend for Christmas, at the time it was proving rather elusive to find and purchase. Now, you can get it easily from The Good Book Company.

I read De Witt’s previous book One to One: A Discipleship Handbook and found it thoroughly useful (hence the series through it on in tandem), so I was eager to read her second offering. De Witt takes the bull by the horns in this book and tackles one of the major issues affecting women and where they find their value and worth, introducing us to a new disease – Compulsive Comparison Syndrome (CCS). I would like to meet a woman who does not struggle with this one!

You know the thoughts that run through your mind:

• “How does she keep so fit?” or “At least I am in better shape than she is”
• “How does she manage to work and look after her family so well?” or “I prepare healthy home-cooked meals, we don’t eat take-away like that”
• “She knows her bible so much better than I do” or “I don’t struggle with that sin anymore”

Sound familiar? Whether it’s about money, husbands, children’s behaviour, jobs, appearance, achievements, education, organisational skills or Christian-ness, we spend our lives comparing up and comparing down. Figuring out where we fit on the big scale of comparison is constantly running around in our heads.

She spends the first half of the book identifying the symptoms of CCS, the triggers that can cause us to think that way and how it affects our relationship with God. She identifies the cause – that we have put ourselves at the centre of our lives rather than God, for in essence everything that drives CCS is sin causing us to look for meaning and blessing in idols rather than God.

In the final chapters she clearly identifies the solution. We must restore God to the centre of our lives. Instead of looking to the things of this world for to give us significance, satisfaction and security, we must keep turning back to God for all of these things. Then she gives time to think about how we live today, in this comparative, competitive world and all the struggles with CCS that we have.

She outlines healthy ways we can use comparison:

• Comparing our lives with Christ (yet trusting in grace continuously because our performance does not affect God’s salvation),
• With others, with both Christians and non-Christians

the solution to CCS is not simply to stop all comparisons. It's to find blessed contentment in Christ, and practice healthy comparison. How do we know the difference? By looking at what our comparison produces. If it’s praise to God, prayer for ourselves, and prayer and practical love for others, then it’s healthy. If it’s envy, or despair, or pride, or any other symptoms of CCS, then we’re allowing something other than Christ to be what we look to for blessing. (p78)

• With myself

it’s useful to ask ourselves: Given the particular load God has given me to carry today, have I acted for Him in all the ways I could have done? How does my day compare with the day I could have had? (p84)

I have read this book through a couple of times, and each time have been struck by it. You can read it in a few hours, but you will keep thinking about it for a long time after. I was very aware of the need to pray and ask God for his forgiveness in my struggle with CCS, yet also was reminded of the hope that there is a way forward that honours God and seeks to live a life free of unhealthy comparison with others. It gave me tools to begin to think about how to change and set out on a life as a recovering –CCS sufferer, yet I remain wary of the risks of relapse!

For those who organise such things, this would be a great book to use for any group of women, from youth group age to the more mature, in small groups, in seminars and large groups, and in mentoring. It has a wide application for many people and I can see many women benefitting from this great little book.



Note: later comment referring to this book on When People and Big and God is Small review. 

Les Misérables

When I was 10 we went to the UK and while in London we went to 3 stage shows. Two fade into insignificance in my mind, but one stood out – Les Misérables. I sat transfixed, on the edge of my seat for the entire 2 hours. When it was finished I was unable to speak, being so overwhelmed with the wonder of what I had just seen. My young mind did not grasp it all especially the more adult themes, but I knew it was a story of great power and about a man whose life was changed by a demonstration of the love of God.

Every time since that I have been in the same city as a stage production of Les Misérables, I have gone. So, I have seen it at least 4 times, and could sing every word of the soundtrack to you by heart.

So it was with excitement yet trepidation that we headed out to see the movie. Would it live up to expectation? Could it possibly be as good as I remembered (I had not seen it live for at least 10 years)? Could all the actors really sing?

Thankfully, the answer was ‘yes’. It was a fantastic rendition. In fact, because of what film can do – clearly tell the story, illustrate in more depth, show faces in much closer detail – it was better. The cast was excellent, their singing mostly superb and the film itself was visually fantastic. I understood the story much more clearly than from the stage production and it filled in details I had not previously grasped. 

I think having seen and recognised the value of the story of Les Mis at such a young age, it actually has left me permanently disappointed with most musicals ever since. In my experience, the majority of musicals have a silly story line. The music is good, granted, but the story is only held together by the music.

In contrast Les Mis is at its core a great story. It is the story of a man’s redemption when shown grace, and his decision to honour God as he tries to face the consequences of his past. At the same time, the music is wonderful. The songs make the show. It is a great gift to be able to write a stirring music score, with realistic words which themselves unfold the story and mostly to do so in rhyme.

As we sat in the theatre I was struck by how many truths of the gospel were being sung to so many unbelievers. It could be a great movie for starting gospel conversations. Where else at the movies do you hear about redemption, grace, the goodness of God and payment for sin? For so many who never hear these things spoken of, Les Mis could be a great place to begin.

However, pick your audience. I saw the stage production at the age of 10, but there is no way I would take my 10 year old to this movie. It is just too adult – the poverty, the filth, the prostitution and despair of the lower classes, let alone the revolution battle. They will have to wait for some time to see this one. Maybe the show will be on stage again sooner!

If it’s not clear yet though - we loved it. If you haven’t seen it - do.

Ghost Child

Ghost Child, Caroline Overington

I have always been a fan of Caroline Overington’s writing: her reporting, her editorial columns and her book about life working in New York with young twins. I even emailed her once about a column she wrote and she sent back a lovely reply, so I grabbed this novel when I saw it on the library shelf.

It is set in the 1980’s in a housing estate in Melbourne where a young boy is found dead on his living room floor. The mother and her de-facto partner are both jailed for the murder, and the 3 siblings are fostered to carers, although it is clear that no-one really knows what happened. That is the basic facts that set up the story and it is established in a few brief pages.

What makes the body of the novel however is the next 20 years as told by a number of different people. Voices include:

- each of the siblings – Lauren, Harley and Hayley

- the detective senior sergeant on the case

- the different foster carers who took in each of the children

- the Anglican priest who conducted the service, and

- the doctors involved in the case.

The presentation of each character was believable, genuine and insightful. In each you could see the point of view of that person and what they had to see. You understood them. Each time you were caught up in someone’s point of view, which was often challenged later by someone else’s. It was excellent at showing the views, prejudices and beliefs that each of us might bring to such a situation.

A good book, which if you got into like I did will only take a day to read but will keep you pondering it for quite a bit longer. 

I will also now look out for some of her other novels.  

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, Dr Megan Best

This recently published offering by Dr Megan Best offers Christians an excellent resource into the minefield that is the ethics surrounding the beginnings of life. Today we live in a world that enables us to choose when and when not to have babies, to decide whether to keep such babies in utero, to screen for potential disabilities and to create babies apart from the act of sex. We are used to such options, in fact most of the Western world has come to expect them as a right.

Yet how often do we stop and think through the ethics of it all? Many of us can testify that as Christians once you do stop and ask questions about contraception, abortion, genetic screening and IVF, you are met either with blank looks of “what is all the fuss about?” or at times, outright hostility from others at bringing ethics into the debate.

But we want to be informed. This book provides the information in one volume that many of us have been looking for for some time. Dr Best starts by clearly explaining the basics of reproduction and then how we would go about forming an ethic around it.  Her view is that life is created from the moment of fertilization (when the egg and sperm fuse).  As Christians, we choose to value any life that is made, no matter how it is made (whether in a woman’s body or in a laboratory), because it is a gift from God.  This therefore informs her ethic of how any life, whether in embryonic or adult form (or anywhere in between), should be preserved and protected.

From there she leads the reader step by step through the minefield that is modern medicine, technology and reproduction, with chapters addressing:

- contraception

- abortion

- screening procedures in pregnancy

- when abnormalities are detected in screening

- infertility

- miscarriage and stillbirth

- assisted reproductive technologies (IVF, surrogacy, etc)

- decisions regarding leftover embryos

- human embryo research and stem cells

Each chapter describes the science, medicine and technology involved and then draws it all together to form a Christian ethic about each.

The entire book is suffused with a grace and understanding of the choices women (and men) make and how they get there. She understands how the desire to have a child can be overwhelming, as can the grief associated with the loss of a child, or the change of expectations and the challenges of having a child with disabilities. She is pastorally sensitive and aware. Yet this is a book which is designed to provide information, and there are times where the information will be hard to read for those who have lived it, are living it or are supporting others through these life events.

It is medically detailed and scientifically thorough. Throughout there is additional information for medical professionals, which I think makes this book required reading for all Christians doctors, at least those involved with these stages of life. Having said that, it is very readable – I read it from cover to cover, even though it is obviously designed to be used more as a reference resource.

We will certainly be recommending this book to all couples at or entering this stage of life. We will be adding it to our marriage preparation book list.

There were a few specific things I was challenged by:

1. Abortion. This is a harrowing chapter. Abortion procedures are described in detail and she wisely warns readers at the beginning. What struck me most however were the statistics of abortion: 1 in 3 women in the UK, USA and Australia will have an abortion in their lifetime. What was clear what that there is little to no support for women as they make this decision. Even more so, I suspect that in our churches we are not caring for the women among us who have had abortions, because they are too terrified of being judged to voice their pain. How many women are being shut out from truly believing in God’s grace and that He forgives because of our lack of sensitivity and awareness?

2. Pregnancy screening for disability – what it involves and what it solves. We have watched a number of dear friends over the years get results from screening that shows their child will have a disability. What they are quickly shocked by is that the only cure for their child’s disability is to terminate the pregnancy, and that is the only solution proposed by medical staff.  They have to fight to keep their baby.  Dr Best argues that we are seeing a program of early eugenics in society, as people are choosing only to keep the healthy and the whole. She deals with the issues of disability well throughout the book, and touches on the impact this has for long-term services for the disabled. Parents with disabled children can witness that people are heartless enough to suggest that in choosing to have their child, they have placed a burden on society. What type of humans are we when we do not care for all members of society, especially those who are more vulnerable?

Consider…the decreasing tolerance for imperfections in our community. When did we decide that any of us were more perfect specimens? We are all of us damaged; it is just more noticeable in some than in others. And why is physical brokenness tolerated so poorly while moral brokenness is not just tolerated but chronicled, accepted and even celebrated in magazines and newspapers? (p461)

She finishes with some challenging words:

[while doing research for the book] What I found left me deeply unsettled as I realized the extent to which our society has decided to accommodate selfish adults at the expense of the children involved. We want ‘perfect’ children through genetic screening, freedom from inconvenient pregnancies, and the ability to override normal human biology when it suits us – all at the cost of embryonic and fetal human life. (p461)

This is a challenging book which raises numerous issues regarding reproduction today.  I am very glad Dr Best has done the work and the research, there are many of us who will benefit.

You can read the introductory first chapter on the Matthias Media website.

Death Comes to Pemberley

Death Comes to Pemberley, P.D. James

I have tried a number of P.D. James novels (the Dalgliesh murder mystery series) over the years and never really been drawn in.  There always seem to be too many characters to get your head around and plots that are too complicated for the length of the book.

However, Death Comes to Pemberley is excellent. If you are a fan of and are familiar with Pride and Prejudice (either the book or the BBC production), this is for you. James has set this murder mystery at Pemberley Estate, 6 years after Darcy and Elizabeth’s marriage. Captain Denney is found dead in the woods late one night with Captain Wickham weeping over his body, yet was he the killer?

This book gives Pride and Prejudice fans a chance to see how everyone’s lives might have turned out – are Darcy and Elizabeth happy? How many children did Jane and Bingley have? What happened to Mary and Kitty? It is a clever idea that has been very well executed. In a delightful twist, she even weaves characters from other Austen novels in at various points.

James even writes like Austen, both in style and turn of phrase, so it felt like a sequel, including treats like this (regarding Lade Catherine’s opinion of Elizabeth):

Lady Catherine was the essentially the same woman that she had always been, but now the shades of Pemberley were less polluted when Elizabeth took her daily exercise under the trees, and Lady Catherine became fonder of visiting Pemberley that either Darcy or Elizabeth were anxious to receive her. (Book 4, section 2)

If you are a Pride and Prejudice fan, this should not disappoint.

(I also read Children of Men by P.D. James: a futuristic view of mankind who have lost their ability to reproduce. Very 1984 in style, it is a disturbing and insightful look into what could happen in such a society. A good read.)

Snowflake craft

As we approach school holidays, you (like me) might be on the lookout for some things to do.

I recently discovered some paper cut-outs which should appeal to a number of ages and both sexes. 

If your kids can fold and cut reasonably well, let them at it - otherwise, you will need to help.  Or, as in my case, be near the computer to deal with the stream of requests for more printouts!

Ballerina snowflakes: translated from a Russian blog.  She has heaps of Christmas craft - have a look around for many other ideas.

Star Wars snowflakes.  My son loved these.  Look at both sites:  Matters of Grey and Anthony Herrera Designs.  If you have sharp cutting knives and are willing to let kids use them, the sky is the limit.  If you limit them to scissor use only - choose the simpler ones or adapt them to make them easier.

Some more general ones from Matters of Grey


Have fun!

Hope Springs

Hope Springs

This movie does a rare thing - it gives an open, realistic look at intimacy in a mature marriage. 

After 31 years, Kay and Arnold have settled into a functional life, structured by routine and sleeping in separate bedrooms.  Kay longs to rekindle the flame she and Arnold once shared, so she pays for an intensive couples counselling course to which Arnold reluctantly attends.  As the week unfolds, they are each challenged to see their role in a relationship in which they have both settled for OK, but not good.   

The acting is great with Meryl Streep as the frustrated Kay and Tommy Lee Jones as the grumpy Arnold.   Steve Carell is the couple's counsellor and it took me a while to get used to him in a serious role, I kept waiting for him to make a joke.

It was honest and confronting, both heartbreakingly sad and very funny.  It did leave some questions unanswered (why had Arnold changed so much?).  Also, I would not recommend it to unmarrieds, as the main issue in the counselling was intimacy, and so the discussions and ensuing scenes were very frank at points.

I suspect we will buy this one on DVD* to have as a resource for marriage enrichment, I can imagine us using scenes from it at times to illustrate various points!

*I saw this at the movies over 2 months ago, so it's probably not long now till the DVD comes out!

A dip into some Christian fiction

In the past I have tended to avoid Christian fiction.  It always sat uncomfortably with me for some reason.  I liked to keep my Christian and my fiction reading very separate, thank you very much. I struggled to see how it could be done well and since many covers look like a discreet version of Mills and Boon, I was unconvinced.  

Yet over the years there have been some wonderful exceptions to this rule, such as Gilead and The Hammer of God.  (Surely these must actually be classed as Christian literature, but perhaps that is another discussion.)

So my mind has gradually opened up to the possibilities of good Christian fiction.  

Then a whole lot of factors combined: spotting a series on a friend's shelf that interested me (yes, I often judge a book by its cover); reading Lit! (a great book about reading about which a series will come soon, I am sure); and a sale at Koorong.  It turns out that in the last few months I have read five Francine Rivers novels. 

The best was Redeeming Love, a retelling of the story of Hosea.  Set in California in 1950, Michael Hosea answers a call from God to marry Angel, a high class prostitute who has only known betrayal and loss.  His call from God is to love her with an unconditional, persistent love.  It draws you in from the beginning and carries you along as you wonder whether Angel can ever truly respond to Michael's love. 

I really enjoyed the Mark of the Lion Trilogy too.  It follows the life of Hadassah, a Jewish slave girl and Atretes, a German warrior made to be a gladiator.  Thus quenching my thirst for novels about Ancient Rome as well as a fascinating story line with realistic characters, I devoured these three large books in a few weeks.  As I read them I was increasingly impressed with Rivers' ability to show the challenges of being a Christian or a Jew in a land of open, sensual pagan worship.  My understanding of the tone of Paul's letters to the churches of Rome and Ephesus was enhanced by the portrayal she gave of those cities.  Yet at the same time, the character Hadassah who truly believed yet was too frightened to speak of her faith also spoke to me directly of my own situation at many times.  They were interesting and challenging books.

Finally, I read The Atonement Child.   This is the story of Dynah, a bible college student, engaged to a would-be minister, whose life is broken apart by rape, from which results pregnancy.   Dynah is crippled with uncertainty and indecision about what to do, when all around her are suggesting that termination is surely possible and the right thing in such a circumstance.   Rivers has taken on a hard topic here and she has done it with sensitivity and awareness.

But this book pointed out some of my hesitation with Christian fiction.  It is predictable.  You know what the ending of each book has to be.  You wait to see how it unfolds, but you know where it is going.  I will keep reading Christian fiction and welcome any recommendations, but will also definitely keep reading other fiction, for it keeps me guessing just a little more.

Advent

Christmas is rolling around again (in case you hadn't noticed!)

If you would like celebrate Advent with your family and would like some material to do so, please feel free to use the ones we use, via the resources tab.

• The Birth of Jesus - a set of 25 readings mainly from Luke and Matthew's gospels, so you can spend time thinking about when Jesus was born and what it means for us today.
• Genesis to Jesus - a set of 25 readings covering the unfolding story of the bible and it's fulfilment in Christ 

Each day there is a bible reading, some questions to think about, a prayer, a special verse and some optional extras - something to draw, a song to listen to, a craft to do, etc.

This year our family will be doing Genesis to Jesus again.  We are looking forward to it already.  After 6 years, Advent is definitely one of those 'unbreakable' family traditions!   If you would like more details as to how we do Advent and what goes in the little boxes, see previous posts on Advent.

Our tree went up yesterday too (a few days earlier than usual).  Good times!


(update from 2017: these readings have now changed and are only 24 days of readings)

You Owe Me Dinner

I discovered this book via Jean's link to the macarisms blog.  I'm very glad I did.  It is a great book, easy to read yet challenging and heart-wrenching at the same time.

Jim Stallard worked with people with disability for years, but conceded he never really grasped the reality of a life of disability, even being an insulin dependent diabetic and blind in one eye himself.  Then an accident left him a quadriplegic and his daily life and health changed completely.

The book is the story of the 13 years since the accident.  You are allowed in to see the close family relationship of the Stallards and the many and various health issues raised by Jim's quadriplegia.  It is a gripping and emotional story.  Throughout it Jim weaves thoughts about society's inability to deal with disability, and challenges the church to be much more inclusive and understanding of the needs of people living daily with disability. 

I learnt very quickly that unless disability was personal, it could easily be ignored. (p94)  

It wasn't until I went to the CBM website to order the book that I discovered that Jim died last year.  He is already seated at the great banquet in heaven.  His challenge is to ask whether we are inviting those with disability to join our lives now.

I sometimes get asked if I want to be healed.  This question is not only dumb, it is demeaning, demoralising, and dehumanising.  Nobody with a disability I know has said, 'Gee, that's a good idea.  I wish I'd thought of it sooner!'  Nobody with a chronic illess thinks it is fun.  My disability is a circumstance I have to deal with, and I cannot afford to let my circumstances dictate my faith.  Rather, my faith helps me dictate how I handle my circumstances.  And my faith helps me wait for healing.

However, while I wait for healing, I need access, acceptance and affirmation...

...my disability is not my biggest problem.  My biggest problem arises when able-bodied people only see my disability and not the rest of me.  (p96)

It will challenge you to consider your response to disability, both as an individual and as part of the church.

Say it again in a nice voice

Say it again in a nice voice, Meg Mason

I have just recently dipped a toe back into the genre that is mummy-writing.   You know - those stories about motherhood that can make you laugh and cry with recognition in equal measure.  The ones that make you realise that other people's lives are like yours and some parts of it all really are very funny.

Say it again in a nice voice, by journalist Meg Mason is one of those.  What I liked about it was that she had kids young (at 25) almost ten years ago.  Her recollections of having babies in the early-mid 2000s are very similar to some of mine.  So I laughed out loud with recognition and understanding of this gem:

If you were any kind of earthy parent in 2004, you were deeply disdainful of jar food.  The banana custard laced with dextrose, the lamb casserole in squishy form.  This was before those squishy-sided packets of only-vegetable purees had been invented, instantly destigmatising factory-made baby food and creating an entire generation of toddlers who stumble around in the park self-administering pumpkin and sweet corn at ten in the morning.  (p85)

And this one, about the ever constant steam of Australians who move to London:

Moving to London in your twenties is so much like having a baby later on.  You're pretty sure you're the first person to ever think of it or experience all its glory and hardship.  Others will follow you there, but you'll always retain a quiet belief that were it not for your pioneering venture they'd never have done it.  (p7)

While very funny throughout, Meg Mason has done a good job of summarising some of the struggles of motherhood.  She has tried both staying at home with her kids and working, and so has insights into each.  Their family struggled with low to almost no income for a while and she has lived the strain that entailed. 

As she says about those early day of mothering:

the fact is every woman has to discover how to be at home with children for herself.  Whether she spends six weeks or the rest of her life as a stay at home mother, the early days are a solo voyage into the new world. (p26)

It is mildly crass at times, but it is also laugh out loud funny (as I discovered to my embarrassment on a plane recently!).  If you had kids in the last decade and want some light, entertaining reading, try this one.

Argo

Feel like a movie this week?

Go and see Argo.

Set between 1979 and 1981 when the Iran Hostage Crisis of the American Embassy captured the newsreels of the world, Argo tells the since declassified true story of how US intelligence agencies worked to get 6 escaped hostages out of the country. 

Realising that options for getting Americans out of Iran unnoticed in those days were extremely limited, they devised a fake movie and pretended to be the movie crew scouting for filming locations in Iran.  

I went having no idea of the outcome and I was kept in complete suspense until the final scenes.   It is tense, riveting, and yet very funny at times.

It is a bit violent at points, the opening scenes are the most confronting, showing the angry crowd gathering at the American Embassy and then breaking into the grounds.  It does have excessive swearing throughout, which was probably unnecessary.  However the story is so well told and the insight into an episode of history is so good, that it didn't matter.  

Throughout the movie and in the final credits, when they show real footage of the time, it suddenly became clear to me why the whole setting (the hostage crisis) seemed strangely familiar.  Then it clicked, we lived in the US at that time.  Yes, I was only a pre-schooler but it stirred vague memories  of news reports and that something major was going on.  I think I even remember some of the footage, having never seen it since.   Goes to show how some things can remain in your memory without you even realising it.

If you want to see an intelligent, adult movie - go to this one, you won't be disappointed.

Heart of the Matter

Heart of the Matter, CCEF Faculty

I have a lot of respect for the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF).  Through biblical counselling they teach people how to “explore the wisdom and depth of the Bible and apply its grace-centered message to the problems of daily living” (from CCEF website).  I live in hope that one day they will come to Adelaide and I can attend a course!

The faculty are made up of some well-known and respected Christian authors: Paul David Tripp, Ed Welch and David Powlinson to name a few. The faculty have combined forces and made a one-year daily devotion, Heart of the Matter.  In 366 daily readings they bring the truths of scripture, God and Jesus Christ home to the reader. The readings keep your eyes focussed on God and his life-saving work through Christ and then encourage you to consider how this affects your own life.

I must admit I was hesitant at first. It looked like bite-sized chunks of counselling, with a few bible verses thrown in.  But the more I read it (I read through the first 3 months of material), I was encouraged how it pointed the reader to God in every case and how the gospel should shape our lives. Each reflection they have provided has a bible passage to match it, to further encourage thought and reflection.

I will say from the outset I would consider this a resource to be used in addition to daily ordered bible reading.  I think the benefit of systematic bible reading is so rich I would hesitate to suggest not doing it almost continuously.  However, this devotion has real benefit.  It will ground you each day in the word of God and challenge you to think about your response to it.  If you are willing to stop and think about each day’s reflection, I suspect you would grow greatly throughout the year, in both your understanding of God and his work in the world, but also how to live your own life in response to the gospel.

Again, as this is a New Growth Press publication, I have 2 copies to give away (paper in USA/Canada, ebook for the rest of the world).  Email me if you would like to win a copy. To buy a copy or read some sample pages, go via this link.  Update: both copies given away!

More resources?

I realise there are many more books about family, sex, babies and puberty written for children.  Do you have any you recommend?

I am keen to read Patricia Weerakoon’s new one – although we are a quite a few years off reading it to our kids yet, so I can wait on that for a bit.

Any other books your family has found helpful?

What's the big deal?

What’s the Big Deal? Why God cares about sex, Stan and Brenna Jones

This is a more detailed book you can turn to when you want to discuss puberty, sex, marriage and some of the consequences of each with a Christian mind-set with your older child.

Aimed at children aged 8-11, we decided to read this with our son when he turned 9. My husband sat down with him a few nights a week over a few weeks and they would read a chapter together. It is written like a play – so the child reads out a question/comment and the parent/s read out the answers.

It addresses topics like:

- Why do people have sex?

- Sex outside of marriage

- What does God say about sex?

- Puberty

- Why can’t I do that? (includes pornography)

- Homosexuality

- AIDS/sexually transmitted diseases

- Sexual abuse

The nights when they read together became quite a special time between father and son and they both looked forward to it. Considering the topics covered it also gave us the opportunity to see if there was anything he wanted to tell us or talk about, and the freedom to ask questions he might not otherwise have done.

Having read through it myself, it is a good resource.  My husband also thought it was good as he read it with our son. There were only a few things he wouldn’t have said the way they did.  I felt some of it was a little outdated (it’s 15 years old)and I suspect the information on AIDS/STDs might need to be updated, and considering the world today it probably needs to include a bit more detail on internet risks.   It also didn’t have much detail on how boys change through puberty.

However what we discovered and we were thrilled about is that our son kept saying (of the more detailed parts): “I have never heard about any of this”.

What we explained to him was that most of it he didn’t need to know in detail yet, but there will be times where people he knows will talk about and we wanted him to know the truth from us first and that he could always talk to us about it whenever he wanted.

So, we have decided that age 9 is a good time to address these things in depth and I will do so with our daughters at the same age.

We will also come back to it all again with him every year or so, perhaps with another book aimed at the same age group.

Who made me?

Who made me?, Malcolm and Meryl Doney

This book was the first one we got and it has been a good one. It is suitable for the 5-9 year bracket, but could easily be simplified and read to younger children (who can’t read the bits you are skipping!). Illustrated by Nick Butterworth and Mick Inkpen, it has fun, simple illustrations, which even parents will like (especially the one of the parents sleeping in bed looking rather sated after making the baby!).

It is rather detailed in some parts about the act of intercourse, so you can adapt it to suit your reading audience, if you prefer.

How God makes babies

How God makes Babies, Jim Burns

This is the next book in the same series by Jim Burns.  Again, it has great simple text and colourful fun photos.

Aimed at ages 6-9, it goes into a little more detail about boys and girls’ bodies and includes great section of personal safety talking about how no-one needs to see your private parts and no-one should get to touch them.* It talks in more detail about marriage, how husband and wife come together to make a baby and how a baby is born. Like the previous book, it also talks about how some children come into a family via adoption.

This is a great book to have on hand if you know someone who is pregnant, or you are about to welcome a little brother or sister into your home. It answers many of the ‘but how?’ questions.  It may give a bit more detail than you want, but it is all accurate and open and very well done.

* another great book which deals with personal safety is: Everyone’s Got a Bottom (reviewed here)

God made your body

God Made Your Body, Jim Burns

This book is a great one to start with to explain to young children how God made them.  Aimed at ages 3-5, it uses simple, honest text and great, colourful photographs to explain how God created them. It talks about how God made each of us the way we are – how we look, and what we are good at doing, and the simple anatomical differences between boys and girls which are needed to make babies when they are grown up.  It briefly explains how mum & dad make the baby and how it grows. My kids all still remember that once they were the size of a cheerio!   It also has a brief description of adoption, which I thought was a wonderful inclusion.

It is a great beginner book to introduce kids to how they were made, that are loved and in a family, and it was all done by God.

The birds and the bees

Over the last few years we have been explaining the facts of life to our kids – how babies are made and all that jazz.

Our feeling is that we want to be open and honest from the very beginning with our children about sex, marriage, family and God’s plan in all of it.  We want them to find out the details from us first, even if they are a bit young when we tell them.  We are trying not to be squeamish about details, but to tell them what is appropriate to each of their ages.  So, obviously our 9 year old knows a lot more detail than his 5 year old sister.

Over that time we have found some good books that I want to share with you, for a number of different ages.  I have discovered that it is useful to have a couple of different books on hand, not just one.  I’ll show them to you in a series this week, so you have some resources available for when these topics come up in your house!

All the books are Christian, because we want our kids to know that God is in control, that he made families and people the way they are, and most of all – that sex takes place in the loving, committed relationship of marriage.  We don’t just want to give them the facts, we want to help them to make good choices and to be informed of what such choices mean.

Tomorrow: the first book - for little ones.

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, Vicki Tiede

Rarely do you read a book that speaks directly to a certain issue with openness, honesty, vulnerability, gentleness and directness all at the same time. This book is all of those things, as well as being solidly grounded in the truths of scripture and of our loving and powerful Father in heaven.

In writing from her own experience, Vicki Tiede has created a book that many Christian women will thank her for – a resource and guide for dealing with the emotions and upheaval created by discovering their husband has an addiction to pornography. And if the statistics she quotes are true (that 50% of men and 20% of women struggle with pornography addiction, p102) this is a resource needed by many.

It is a delicate and serious subject matter and she has handled it very well. She has structured it around 6 themes (hope, surrender, identity, trust, brokenness, forgiveness), which have been divided into weeks (rather than chapters). Each week has 5 days of material, dealing with different aspects of that theme by searching the scriptures, talking through the issues and inviting response. This is a book to read with a pen ready to write in it – it is almost a workbook.

It is not a book about how to ‘heal’ husbands or anyone who struggles with these issues themselves, but rather to spiritually help those who as a spouse have been betrayed and damaged by such a discovery. For couples who have come through this challenge together, it is possible that it will be helpful reading for the husband to explain some of the things his wife has had to work through.

What is clear and overwhelming as you read it, is that Vicki is keen a wife to see her value in God alone, not through the eyes of her husband or anyone else. She continues to bring the reader back to God and his word, reminding them of his goodness in all situations. She challenges the reader to see the sin in themselves, not just their husbands, and is always looking to find a way forward in growth and godliness, rather than in bitterness and resentment.

As I read it I found that I would readily recommend it to any woman who has found herself in this situation. If that is you, you can read the introduction and the first two days notes via here.

I would love this resource to get into the hands of women who need it. You can buy it here.  I also have two copies from New Growth Press to give away – either paper copies (if you are in the USA or Canada) or ebooks (for the rest of the world). Email me if you would like to go in the running for such a giveaway. (For this giveaway, considering the nature of the book, I will not announce the winners on this blog, I will just email you back to tell you will be receiving a copy and to get your details).  UPDATE: all giveaways gone - you'll have to buy a copy!

New Growth Press

I have started a bit of a partnership with New Growth Press.

They are having blog tours to promote their new titles. They send me a copy and those that I like and recommend, I will review here on musings.

I want to up front about this.  I receive a free copy of the ebook to review in advance and will sometimes receive a free paper copy.  At times I will be able to offer some free copies (either paper or ebook) to readers.  I am not in any way obliged to write positive reviews, although when I choose to review a book it will be because I think it is good.

I have been very encouraged by some of the material I have seen so far and am keen to share it with you.

Later this week I will be reviewing one of their new titles – an excellent book and a great resource, although it's a sign of our fallen world that such a resource needs to exist.  Come back later and see…

What to do?

My husband has been insisting for a long time that when the little one starts school that I will not say ‘yes’ to anything new for a year. He does not want me to overcommit (which admittedly is quite likely). He wants me to stop and think about this next stage. As I look at things, the last stage went for 10 years, this one will go for 8 (with all 3 at school). That’s a good chunk of time to think about.

So that’s what this term is for – thinking through the next stage.

I’ll let you know my thoughts as time progresses.

A new phase - school!

Our youngest child started school this week.

It comes almost exactly 10 years after I finished my 3rd year Bible College exams 20 weeks pregnant with our first child. Therefore I have been home as a mum with young kids for a decade. That’s a long time. It’s also the end of an era.

No more babies or pre-schoolers.

No more naps or nappies.

No more kindy (pre-school) run.

No more little people to take grocery shopping.

No-one to chat to during the day.

No helper as I clean.

Just one pick-up and drop-off each day.

I have found it an absolute privilege and (mostly) a joy to be a stay-at-home mum over the last 10 years. I wouldn’t have done it any other way and I know I will look back over these years with thanks for the freedom and ability to be at home.

However, all good things come to an end, and as far as I am concerned, often move on to better things!  My overwhelming thought on Monday (when she started school) was:

It’s the first day of the rest of my life!

I told me so

I told me so: Self-Deception and the Christian life, Gregg A. Ten Elshof

Have you ever thought about the role of self-deception in the Christian life? Chances are – no. Neither had I until I read this book and realised (as did the author) that there is very little written on the subject.

He starts by addressing the ways we commonly deceive ourselves in everyday life – managing our attention onto other things, procrastination, switching perspective, rationalising, etc. All of these are worth exploring in detail, but I’ll let you read it yourself to do that.

He goes on to address how easily it also occurs in groups – in families, in business groups, in communities. For example, if you live in a wealthy Christian community, chances are everyone silently acknowledges that it’s OK to spend lots of money on a car (for example), as long as no-one in the group ever challenges anyone else about it.

These two sections really just open our eyes to how much of our lives is spent deceiving ourselves. It’s helpful and illustrative.

Then Ten Elshof goes on to address what we do about it.

Firstly, we need to demote it - make it less of a vice (in our human eyes) in order to be willing to acknowledge it. If no-one is willing to own up to self-deception, no-one is going to be honest and work towards changing (I could see strong parallels with how to deal with some sexual sin here).

We need to realise that self-deception has some positive features, in fact God has made us capable of self-deception and it can be a gift. Truth is not all important. Sometimes believing things that are unlikely to be true has benefit (eg. I will be able to quit smoking this time).

Self-deception also allows us to change perspective and understand another viewpoint. We could not enjoy fiction if we were not capable of self-deception. How could I enjoy historical fiction books about time travel and relationships across time, if I were unable to suspend my knowledge of reality while reading them?

One of his most compelling reasons that self-deception is a gift from God is that there are two truths that if faced with them in their barest, most open truth we would not be able to function – 1. The complete fullness of God’s glory, and 2. The complete sinfulness of mankind (including ourselves).

Then Ten Elshof moves towards 3 ways forward and 3 things to beware of, each which are fleshed out. To summarise, however, the ways forward:

First, die. Take concrete steps to put to death those aspects of your character that make self-deception a necessity. Second, find you way into a diverse community of disciples to Jesus. Make sure it’s a group that invites disagreement and critical self-reflection. Third, make a plan to pursue a relationship with the one who knows you more fully that you know yourself. Set aside regular times to approach the Spirit of God, set your heart out as honestly as possible before him, listen for his voice, and reflect on your experience as you do. (p127)

A number of aspects of this book have stayed in my mind for some time, both the risks of self-deception yet how God has enabled us to be able to self-deceive.

It’s a short book and easy to read.  My slight caveat to that is that the author is a philosopher, so I did skim read more of the philosophical sections.

All of us deceive ourselves – a book like this opens our eyes to it and helps us see a way forward as Christians.

Bible Bites

We have recently discovered a great resource for family devotions - Bible Bites.  Written by Ladeane Lindsay and published by Anglican Youthworks, it was shortlisted for the 2011 Australian Christian Book of the Year.

It contains 356 (undated) family devotional times. Split into 7-day groupings, they are designed to be used daily, but could easily be used a few times a week instead.  Each Bible Bite is based around a key biblical theme and memory verse.  Over 7 days, you learn a memory verse together and look at difference aspects of that theme; which includes a bible reading, activity/sharing time and prayer.  It is designed for children aged 3-12 and to take ~10 mins at a time. You could easily increase or reduce the suggested activity as family life and your energy dictates (I reduce it, having almost no energy for memory verse games!)

It covers 52 ‘Bites’ about God, his characteristics, key events in the bible, Jesus’ life, death & resurrection, and Christian living. Your family will end up with a fantastic grounding in the overall message of the bible and will have memorised lots of bible verses along the way.

We are 5 'Bites' in - having taken longer than 5 weeks to get there.  I am pleased to discover that the kids remember all five memory verses still, and the salient points of the themes.  All three (aged 9, 7, 5) are enjoying it and learning about God along the way.

A resource well worth using in the home.

The Prayer Project

Dear blog readers

I have started a new project. 

For some time I have been endeavouring to write out prayers.  I find it helps me to turn scripture into prayer, to think about what I have read more and to how to apply it.

I now have a collection of prayers from the bible, from other sources and from my own thoughts. 

I have decided to put them into a blog, in the hope they might also be helpful for others.

I would love you all to have a look around the site and tell me what you think. 

The prayer project: Prayers for personal use

Thanks

Kate Quinn

I have found another historical fiction author to follow, along with Diana Gabaldon and Jean Auel. Plucked off a library shelf on a whim, Mistress of Rome, the debut novel by Kate Quinn was a great read.

Ancient Rome has always interested me, having been ‘tricked’ into studying Latin for 3 extra years at high school after 1 year of fantastic facts and interesting details about Emperors, gladiators, Pompeii, Mt Vesuvius etc. The reality of studying the language was painful (although slightly eased the way into NT Greek), but my interest in the time remains.

Set in the grim and bloody time of Emperor Domitian, a slave girl Thea knows only a life of servitude and pain until she meets Arius, a gladiator who becomes the conqueror of the Colosseum. Chance brings them together, scheming enemies tear them apart and yet their lives remain entwined when Thea becomes a favourite of the Emperor. As Domitian’s grip on the world becomes ever tighter, those around him start to wonder – can anyone dare to stop the Emperor, known to all as lord and god?

A number of the figures are people of history and it was great to read how she wove history and fiction together. At the end of the book she explains which is the fact and which is the fiction.

A quick search revealed she has since published 2 more novels. I quickly got my hand on the second: Daughters of Rome. Written as a prequel to Mistress of Rome, and set 12 years earlier in 69AD, known as the Year of the Four Emperors. As it suggests, Rome spend a year teetering between men who claimed the title of Emperor. Throughout each change the four women of the Cornelii family find themselves drawn into the instability of the city. One wants to be the Empress, another wants to record history, one finds herself married and divorced regularly according to whatever match brings most advantage to her family and the youngest would prefer to spend time with the racing horses. I also enjoyed finding a few characters from the first book and piecing some background details together.

Quinn has a real talent for taking an exciting period of time and then adding some extra characters to give it a personal touch.

I have eagerly reserved the third at the library – Empress of the Seven Hills.

Gilead and Home

I finished the wonderfully touching and evocative Gilead by Marilynne Robinson the other week.

The Reverend John Ames is a minister in Gilead, Iowa in the 1950s. He is an elderly man surprised by the joy brought by falling in love later in life and the child that it has produced, and so he sits down to write a letter to his young son. It is a farewell as Ames knows he is nearing the end of his life, and so he sets out to record his life and the current events around him.

It is clear that Robinson has a deep and abiding understanding of and respect for the Christian faith, the bible and many theologians of the past. It could easily be read by anyone and appreciated for the quality work of fiction that it is.   But for those with faith and a familiarity with the bible, the references abound and add a deeper level of appreciation for the book Robinson has produced.

For those who are in ministry, there are also some wonderful gems:

That’s the strangest thing about this life, about being in the ministry. People change the subject when they see you coming. And then sometimes those very same people come into your study and tell you the most remarkable things. (p9)

Since supper was three kinds of casserole with two kinds of fruit salad, with cake and pie for dessert, I gathered that my flock, who lambaste life’s problems with food items of just this kind, had heard an alarm. There was even a bean salad, which looked to me distinctly Presbyterian, so anxiety had overspilled its denominational vessel. You’d have thought I died. We saved it for lunch. (p144-5)

It was a treat to savour, slowly.

After enjoying this one so much, a week later I moved onto Home, the companion novel which tells the story of Ames’ close friends and neighbours, the Boughtons. This was much sadder, almost too gentle and it alluded to some things so carefully and understatedly that I think I missed some of the meaning along the way. It does not contain as many Christian truths or biblical references as Gilead, but it is a moving, emotional story that is wonderfully written.

If you are going to try them, I’d start with Gilead.