Digital Minimalism

Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport

(This is a longish review - feel free to skip to the bold parts to see the main outline) 

In this interesting and thought-provoking book, Newport makes a case for digital minimalism:

"A philosophy of technology use in which you focus your online time on a small number of carefully selected and optimised activities that strongly support things you value, and then happily miss out on everything else."

Part 1 outlines the philosophical underpinnings of digital minimalism, argues why it’s the right solution, and what a digital declutter would look like.

He starts by considering the uneven playing field we are now on with technology, as tech companies use two forces to encourage behavioural addiction: intermittent positive reinforcement and the drive for social approval.

"We’ve been engaging in a lopsided arms race in which the technologies encroaching on our autonomy were preying with increasing precision on deep-seated vulnerabilities in our brains, while we still naïvely believed that we were just fiddling with fun gifts handed down from the nerd gods."

He notes the issue is control:

"current unease with new technologies is not really about whether or not they’re useful. It’s instead about autonomy. We signed up for the services and bought these devices for minor reasons… And then found ourselves, years later, increasingly dominated by their influence, allowing them to control more and more of how we spend our time, how we feel and how we behave."

Digital minimalism is based on three core principles:

1. Clutter is costly 
2. Optimisation is important 
3. Intentionality is satisfying 

His proposal is a digital declutter: a 30-day break from the optional technologies in your life, clarifying that it’s optional unless its temporary removal would harm or significantly disrupt the daily operation of your professional or personal life. During that time, explore other pursuits and interests that you enjoy and find meaningful. At the end, you consider which technology to reintroduce, asking three questions as you do so:

1. Does this technology directly support something that I deeply value? 
2. Then, is this technology the best way to support this value? 
3. Then, how am I going to use this technology going forward to maximise its value and minimise its harm? 

(I am still in the middle of my 30 day break from Facebook and Instagram, and have thoroughly enjoyed it)

Part 2 provides a framework for adopting a sustainable digital minimalism lifestyle if you decide it’s right for you, with many practical suggestions. He has four particular practices you might consider:

1. Spending time alone. He notes that many operate in a state of solitude deprivation: where you spend close to zero time alone with your own thoughts and free from input from other minds.

In avoiding solitude, he observes “you miss out on the positive things it brings you: the ability to clarify hard problems, to regulate your emotions, to build moral courage, and to strengthen relationships. If you suffer from chronic solitude deprivation, therefore, the quality of your life degrades.”

Some practices he suggests here are leaving your phone at home (or at least tucked away and hard to get out), go for long walks (on your own, no music or headphones), and to write things down (journaling thoughts, etc).

2. Avoid all low quality communication, and instead prioritise actual conversation.

Suggestions here are: don’t click ‘like’ or make online comments ever, manage texting within set times, and set conversation hours. Here is where you start to think about the principles rather than the suggested practice. I couldn’t make a set time for conversation work - it doesn’t account for other people’s availability, but I already schedule phone calls with friends in advance via text. Or, I meet a friend for a walk, enabling purposeful time together. I don’t have text threads with no purpose, although with teenagers I can see how they might benefit from limiting texting to more purposeful conversation.

3. Reclaim leisure, being purposeful with how you spend your extra time. He has three ideas here:

1. prioritise demanding activity over passive consumption 
2. use skills to produce valuable things in the physical world 
3. seek activities that require real world, structured, social interactions. (While he explored clubs and gyms, my mind naturally and immediately went to Christian communities) 

Suggestions include: fix or build something every week, schedule your low quality leisure, join something, make leisure plans for the week and the seasons.

4. Join the attention resistance. This is where he got more practical in taming tech use. Practical ideas included: deleting social media from your phone, reducing apps and websites (turning them off as standard), managing social media access with precision, embracing slow media (eg read the newspaper rather than nonstop headlines), and dumbing down your smartphone (or actually changing to a dumb phone).

With lots of these, I felt these options were simplified, so while a helpful starting point, there were numerous other ways you could make it work for you.

I have several reflections. 

There are helpful insights into what we have lost in the hours wasted with low value online experiences, whether its flicking through social media, scrolling news sites, binge watching Netflix, or texting in never ending but empty streams of conversations. Ironically, as he points out, no one who spends hours a day on Facebook would ever have the time to develop something like Facebook.

He’s identified a middle-class first-world problem: having enough free time to waste online. But even more than that, it seemed even more elite. How much of this is a problem for those who can afford iPhones, have time to spare and waste, have time and money when not online to devote to leisure pursuits, and who aren’t encumbered by the burden of long working hours and family life. We may bemoan the hours wasted online, but do we stop and give thanks to God that we have the time, money and privilege to have the option to do so (even if we need to reconsider how we use it)?

The author is a tenured college professor and it felt like it. That’s not to dismiss his wisdom, but to see it’s place. He uses the thinking of Thoreau, the practices of Benjamin Franklin and the choice of solitude by Abraham Lincoln as entry points to consider our practices today. Some suggestions reflected a lifestyle with great flexibility, and a fair amount of free time. He can go for long walks daily to encourage solitude, he can decide when he is available for conversations and limit himself to those hours, and can invest in leisure projects.

I assumed he must be single, because there was no consideration of what digital minimalism might look like in a family setting. No thoughts about how to consider these things with a partner or with children who are also navigating the online space, or making such decisions in a household with differing ideas and values in this area. Many recommendations struck me as suiting someone with few ties and much flexibility. (Yet the acknowledgements thank his wife and three children).

I found myself wondering, what does the digital minimalism look like for the Christian? I guess it depends on its purpose. If you step back from online pursuits to fill your life with woodwork and long walks, you are still not really fulfilling God’s call to love him and your neighbour (although you may be happier and less stressed). There could be great value in digital minimalism if you turn to further glorify God, to serve others, and to consider the state of your own heart. One risk of the clutter of a busy online life is we cannot focus on God and how he calls us to live. Newport does suggest that humans are made for more than this empty online life. I agree, we were made for so much more: a deep and abiding relationship with our creator and the people he has made. Any change to our digital lives that fosters that is well worth considering.

Fredrik Backman

I have discovered a wonderful writer recently, Fredrik Backman, a Swedish author and blogger. 

First was Beartown, set in a rural town in Sweden, where ice hockey reigns supreme. Everything in town revolved around it: the junior teams right up to the A-team, the sponsors, the board, the coaches and all the supporters. Backman spends the first third of the book setting the scene and does so marvellously. You meet the players of the junior team, their parents, the coaches, discover some backstory and how the town operates. For those that have seen it, the parallels with Friday Night Lights was striking. There is a slow relentless build to something major happening, and one night after a team win, it does. Once a crime is reported, the town splits. Do you protect the team and the players, do you close ranks and protect the club, or do believe the victim and what they have said? Do you bully others into seeing things your way, or perhaps do you figure out what it means to stand up for someone else? A totally compelling read with great insight into communities, the complexities of relationships, people, and how they act, for better and for worse. He has wonderful comments on teenage friendships, parents and the love they have for their children (excusing all manner of things), and how an obsession with sport can create and destroy community. 

The follow up to Beartown is Us Against You. I won’t give detailed information, because you definitely need to read Beartown first, and this immediately follows those events with the same people. The same themes are continued and expanded, and we how much is influenced by the choices that difference people make. A local politician is playing a dangerous game, causing division and conflict, all to orchestrate his own ends. At the same time, the hockey club is struggling, the team is divided, and people’s private lives are brutally exposed for others to excoriate. What is it that brings a town together and what can tear it apart? Just as compelling and insightful as Beartown. 

Then A Man Called Ove. Amusing, sad, and very relatable. Ove is 59, and he lives his life with order and structure, he does things right and knows what should be done. In his mind, the world is full of people who do things lazily, wrongly or carelessly, and it is his job to fix it, or at least complain about it. To those who cross his path, he seems a cranky curmudgeon. Yet, perhaps there is more to Ove than meets the eye. As one neighbour starts to reach out, Ove’s walls are slowly breached, as he is forced to continually help people in need. As the details of his childhood are revealed as well as more about the one person in the world who truly understands him, we start to understand him a little more. While I often will cry in a movie, there are few books that make me teary. The Book Thief was one, and this was another. Beautiful. 

The next two were still strong, but not my favourites. My Grandmother Sends Her Regards and Apologises, tells of 7 year old Elsa and her granny, an eccentric lady who enchants Elsa with her extended fairytales. It becomes apparent to Elsa that the tales aren’t all made up as she gets to know the stories of the people around her. Personally, I found the fairytales distracting, but they were needed to explain the people around Elsa. Britt-Marie Was Here follows a women in Elsa’s block later on. Britt-Marie has spent her life caring for her husband and cleaning, never having any interests of her own. When she is forced to take care of herself and moves to a small backwater called Borg, she discovers she is not only capable, but can find new friends and a sense of purpose. 

Reflecting on these last three I think Backman has real insights into people who might be considered to have various personality disorders, or mental health challenges. He is compassionate and considered, which acknowledging issues. 

 I eagerly await Backman’s new release in 2020.

American Dirt

American Dirt, Jeanine Cummins

This absolutely compelling book is heartbreaking and yet hopeful. I wanted to take my time over it, but couldn’t put it down.

Lydia and her husband Sebastián have lived with eight year old son, Luca, in their hometown of Acapulco their whole lives. But, it has changed in recent years with the rise of a new cartel ruler, La Lechuza, who rules the city.

Sebastián has been targeted as a journalist, and in one afternoon 16 family members have been murdered at a BBQ at her mother’s house, but astonishingly Lydia and Luca are overlooked. Their lives remain in danger, but this man controls the whole region, so where do they go? The police will not act, or may turn her over. No one can be trusted.

So, with few belongings and their life savings in her pocket, they flee the city. She knows they will never be safe in Mexico with the extent of his reach, so they plan their route to el norte to the “Estados Unidos”. (You may also benefit from having Google Maps open at points to chart their course, and occasionally Google Translate to see what some words mean.) They will be pushed to their limits, and tested in ways they never knew possible.

“Trauma waits for stillness. Lydia feels like a cracked egg, and she doesn’t know if she’s the shell or the yolk or the white. She is scrambled.”

“So much has happened that each hour of this journey feels like a year, but there’s something more that that. It’s the bond of trauma, the bond of sharing an indescribably experience together. Whatever happens, no one else in their lives will ever fully comprehend the ordeal of this pilgrimage, the characters they’ve met, the fear that travels with them, the grief and fatigue that eat at them.”

There’s no question this is hard reading. They meet up with two teenage girls along the way, and everything that you would imagine happening to them while they are on the run does. None of the violence is explicitly detailed, but you can imagine the horror of their experience. You are fully exposed to the sinfulness of humanity, yet there are moments when the kindness of others comes through. Churches, pastors and loving people along their route provide safe haven. Some men will protect them. It’s a pretty damning view of Mexico; Cummins notes at the end, in 2017 it was the deadliest country in the world to be a journalist. The nationwide murder rate was the highest on record and most are unsolved, because the cartels operate with impunity. It’s remarkably sobering, and seems an almost unsolvable problem.

As a pastor warns them along the way:

"If it’s possible for you to turn back, do so now…If there is any other place for you to go, to stay away from these trains, to stay away for el norte, go there now…This path is only for people who have no choice, no other option, only violence and misery behind you. And your journey will grow even more treacherous from here….Some of you will fall from the trains. Many will be maimed or injured. Many will die. Many, many of you will be kidnapped, tortured, trafficked or ransomed. Some of you will be lucky enough to survive all of that and make it as far as Estados Unidos only to experience the privilege of dying alone in the desert behind the sun, abandoned by a corrupt coyote, or shot by a narco who doesn’t like the look of you. Every single one of you will be robbed. Every one. If you make it to el norte, you will arrive penniless, that’s a guarantee."

An excellent, challenging and gripping book about what being a migrant on the run might look like.

The New Adolescence

The New Adolescence, Christine Carter

I have greatly benefited from this wise and sensible book by Christine Carter. She notes:

"In a single generation, how we all communicate, create, work, and think has fundamentally changed. But the technological revolution we are living through hasn’t really reshaped the current generation of teenagers as much as it has shaped them to begin with."

The rate of that change has overtaken parents, and so we haven’t been able to keep up with the change of technology and society, meaning “that our world is being re-shaped faster – way faster – than we have yet been able to reshape our parenting. It’s no surprise that the kids are feeling unmoored.”

So, her goal is to provide “a handbook for handbook for helping our kids thrive in an age of accelerated change”, allowing us to adapt as parents to the two major transformations in our families: the developmental transformation of adolescence and the technological transformation of the age we are living in. In using the term adolescents, she includes pre-teens, teens and young adults, and so can cover the age range of 10-25.

Part 1 looks at how to influence your teen without micromanaging them. The best chapter heading is here: This is going to be easier than you think. Thank you Christine! Right away, parents are encouraged rather than depressed or overwhelmed. At a macro level, she says that kids need to be seen, safe and soothed.

She points out that over parenting does not work. You will get fired as their manager, what you want is to be rehired as their coach. Our goal is to allow them to make decisions, and give them the skills to do so.

“The key difference between managing and coaching is that parent-managers rescue their teams from pain, where is parent-coaches see the kids as capable of making choices and solving their own problems. As coaches we can ask questions that help our teen see the possibilities of positive action. Instead of making their decisions for them, we can help them make better decisions for themselves.”

She examines what we can do when they are struggling, and considers ways to help them manage disappointment and stress, which include acceptance of a situation. There is advice about encouraging a positive outlook, through love, gratitude, and thinking positively about the future. I see real echoes here with much of a balanced faith life, we choose to be thankful, we know the grace and love of God and how that helps us in all situations, and we move to others in love looking to help and serve and pulling us a bit outside of ourselves.

She then considers how to influence your teen without being bossy. She encourages finding ways to speak to them while conveying respect and acknowledging they are in control of many things. She notes that our motivations here are actually unified:

“Our adolescents want to feel like competent, well-respected, autonomous adults, and in the end we want our children to be competent, autonomous adults who make choices we respect and admire.”

Part 2 consider three core skills for the digital age: connection, focus and rest.

Connection is about ensuring our kids have real connections, with family, with friends and find meaning for their lives. She notes that the more digitally online they are, the less connected with real people they are.

With focus, there are very helpful comments on how to recognise teen distraction, attempts at multitasking, and how ineffective much of their time is, and then proposes some ways forward for greater productivity and awareness of the challenges to staying on task.

Rest addresses the need for kids to really have downtime and proper sleep. "The best thing that we can teach them to do if they are feeling overwhelmed and time starved is to stop. Remind them what they need more than time is downtime without stimulation." We can teach then not to fear silence or contemplation.

These three chapters were the prompt I needed for discussions with our teens about these areas: they do self manage much of this, while still acknowledging we have input to offer.

Part 3 considers what the sex, alcohol and drugs, and money talks look like in this new era.

The sex talk chapter was excellent, and very direct. She considers the impact of pornography, sexting, gender issues and harassment and assault. Parents need to be ready, willing and proactive to talk about all of these things. I loved her comments regarding consent, for while it is essential, is actually a very low bar, and we should be encouraging people to desire enjoying and mutually satisfying sexual experiences, whenever they enter into such relationships. One piece of advice that was great - encourage young people to talk about what they would like, enjoy, don’t like with a partner - for if you can’t talk about it openly and honestly, you certainly shouldn’t be doing it. Some Christian parents will hesitate with some of her information, but the reality is that many kids are facing these challenges, and even if your own kids aren’t at the moment, their friends are.

The information about alcohol, marijuana, vaping, and other drugs was sensible and balanced and she promotes a policy of no use at all with her teenagers, while giving them the information they need to make choices.

The money chapter included teaching your children how to budget money, to understand credit and debit, and how to many their own finances. There is wisdom in talking about how you value money in your household, and considering what messages they hear from you about money. In a world of rampant materialism, we can point out that money won’t buy you happiness, but it will certainly help with many things that you need. I agree with her comment that regular chores should not be linked to pocket money, because children need to learn to contribute to a household, rather than doing chores to be paid.

Her conclusion is that that connection is what really matters. Not academics, not success, not happiness, but connection. If you have children in or near their teen years, you will greatly benefit from the wisdom here. If you want a taste of her writing, you could check our her blog too.

What Grieving People Wish You Knew

What Grieving People Wish You Knew, Nancy Guthrie

Many of us feel ill-equipped when a friend’s loved one has died. We don’t know what to say, we worry we’ll say the wrong thing, we might offer platitudes that aren’t helpful, or perhaps we avoid the person all together. If we ourselves have not yet walked the road of strong, personal loss, we can be feeling our way with little knowledge or experience.

If you are like me and know you still have a lot to learn in this area, Nancy Guthrie’s book What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts) will be of enormous benefit, both humbling you and helping you.

I have previously appreciated Guthrie’s wisdom biblical teaching and wisdom though her devotional Praying the Scriptures for Your Children, and readings for Christmas (Come Thou Long Expected Jesus) and Easter (Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross). Yet, you may not know that she and her husband have experienced their own personal grief, having lost two infant children, leading them to minister to others in grief. She is eminently equipped to write on this topic.

This is an excellent book. I hesitate to say ‘resource’ because we want to view coming alongside people in their grief as a service and a friendship, not a project. Yet, we may still benefit from advice and warnings before we wade in.

Guthrie starts with “what to say (and what not to say)”, making the clearest plea of all - say something. It’s so painful when others do not acknowledge your loss and grief. She walks the reader through numerous suggestions, including:

• Let them take the lead
• Don’t compare 
• Don’t feel the need to fix
• Don’t be in a hurry
• Don’t make it about you
• Listen more than you talk
• Don’t tell them what to do
• Esteem their grief
• Don’t be put off by tears
• Don’t ask potentially painful questions out of curiosity

The next chapter “typical things people say (and what you can say instead)” is honestly heartfelt pointing out how even well-meaning comments can be taken. She’s realistic and gracious noting that people will say the wrong thing, yet encourages readers to apologise where necessary, and keep trying to be helpful. One key thing is to keep using their loved one’s name, to keep talking about them, and being willing to hear about them.

Then she turns to the assumptions that keep us away and what we can do, providing numerous suggestions for how to be practically helpful and get involved without being overbearing. Most of it is being present, being a safe person who actively looks for ways to help, remembering that grief is a long road, and that we support people long term. Of course there is much wisdom needed to know what would be helpful for your friend, and what you are able to do.

She considers the online expression of grief, and acknowledges some people’s choice to grieve via social media and how getting likes or comments can validate their grief. This was a helpful perspective, because I haven’t always been sure how to respond to online expressions of grief. As she also notes, online messages can be an easy way to support people that shows you love and care. Indeed, a friend will notice if you respond to their other posts, but not their grief posts. Part of this is realising that everyone grieves differently, and uses public methods in various ways, so you can let the grieving person drive it.

Guthrie then turns to heaven and reflects on the unhelpful and incorrect things people say. She explores why comments like “they are in a better place”, or “God needed them more than we did” can be hurtful. She clearly outlines what she believes does happen from death to resurrection body, and deals with common lies and misleading platitudes, such as how people become angels when they die or that they are now taking care of us from heaven. Guthrie is candid that sometimes heaven does not feel like enough because it is so far away from where we are now, and truthfully, sometimes we long to see our loved ones more than Jesus in heaven. This chapter had biblical focus and pastoral insight, and aids in us forming a biblical view of heaven, which informs our hope.

She finishes with some questions and answers, with the final one a very honest message to the grieving person about whether they are willing to forgive the people around them who make mistakes with them during their grief.

This is clearly a book about grief related to loss through death. I wondered if there could have been an acknowledgement that not all grief is related to death. There are other griefs one might face in this world including: the grief of people turning away from the Lord, the grief of children that are not as expected or hoped, grief of infertility, and grief over certain circumstances. However, I suspect that would have complicated the subject too much, and would have taken away from the strength of what this book does offer.

As Guthrie has lived this and walked along many others, she speaks with knowledge, wisdom, insight, grace and gentleness. She draws extensively on the comments of others, so you are given a wide range of feedback and insight from dozens of other people’s experience. At about 160 pages, it is a quick read, but not an easy one. Those willing to learn will be greatly helped as they walk beside others in their grief. Highly recommended.

Identity Crisis

Identity crisis, Ben Elton

Ben Elton has yet again proven his skilled, cutting ability to assess and rip into current societal trends (I have briefly mentioned some of his other books here). Nothing is off limits in this mystery which starts with police inspector Matlock reporting the murder of a woman in a London park at night. In a press conference, he suggests that women should be careful at night, and it was a sad case of her being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A media storm ensues, as he is accused of suggesting she is to blame for what happened to her. Bewildered, he makes the requisite apology. Alongside this, various story threads emerge and start to intertwine. There is an impending referendum between England Out and Team UK and both sides are desperately trying to get votes. A reality TV show, Love Island, has had its first case of #ItsNotOK with a female contestant alleging a non-consensual kiss. A transgender person has been killed, and there is uproar over the lack of police awareness, while other people are protesting that the similar death of a young black woman did not get any attention. A female historian is trying to get women of the past acknowledged, and have dead men of history charged for past crimes. Parallel to all this, Maliki, a mathematician in a communications company is becoming increasingly aware of her role in writing the algorithms which spark such reactions.

Considering that subject matter, Elton can comment on both sides of numerous topics through the characters involved: gender and identity issues; feminism, #MeToo and men that reject it; Christians; nationalistic politics; the revision of history (markedly relevant this week); and the ongoing bile and hatred in the online space. Really it’s an opportunity to stick the boot into everyone, pointing out inconsistencies in almost all arguments, especially those conducted online. It is insightful, ironic, and at times laugh out loud funny. But it is also crass, vulgar, and contains all the strong, graphic hate language that is often used in these arguments. It’s appropriate in the context, but some readers may struggle.

To get a feel, I’ll include one longish quote:

"Who were these people, these furious tweeters? 

Matlock never ceased to be amazed at the violence of the abuse. He had met a number of transgender individuals in the course of his duties and without exception they had been polite, considerate and seemingly without any unusual degree of malice. Yet somewhere out in the ether there appeared to be a small group of non-binary people who were in a permanent state of blind fury and a hairtrigger away from taking massive, absolute and unforgiving offence. And of course it wasn’t just transgender people: the same things seem to be the case for all self defining groups, which, in the current identity-focused social landscape, appeared to include absolutely everyone. From men to women. From cis to trans. From new-age Travellers to white supremacists. From vegans to pagans. From Celts to carnivores. From anti-vaxxers to enlightened humanists. From the proudly plus-sized to the assertive anorexics. The long, the short and the tall. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

The entire population appeared to be itching for a fight because everybody else afforded them insufficient respect. At least they were once they got on the net. That was the strange thing. Everyone seemed perfectly normal when you talked to them personally, in the street or on the bus.… But in the virtual social universe of the internet everything had gone completely potty."

It's fiction, but at times seems markedly close to reality. Elton has written an enjoyable, insightful, searing and highly relevant consideration of the world today, in both the online and offline space. 

Fiction mini-reviews

The Clergyman’s Wife, Molly Greeley 

A Pride and Prejudice fan novel (see another by P.D. James here), that follows Charlotte Lucas, who married Mr Collins, the annoying clergyman who would inherit Longbourn (Elizabeth’s childhood home). Greeley has creatively explored what Charlotte’s life would have been like post-marriage with a husband who was earnest, but foolish, under the intrusive patronage of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Charlotte is now a mother, and has struggled to find her place in the parish until a friendship with local farmer Mr Travis develops. I read with some trepidation from here, but I felt that Greeley kept true to the conventions and social requirements of the day. It ended up being a very enjoyable dip back into a similar world to the one Jane Austen created. 

Victoria, Daisy Goodwin 

A very readable historical fiction covering the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign. She was brought up in protected seclusion by her mother and her advisor, Sir John Conroy, who long to control her, but Victoria is determined to forge her own path upon becoming queen at 18. However, she lacks any real knowledge of how to fill that role. Enter Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister, who takes her under his wing, teaching her what is required. Victoria is outspoken and strong-minded, and many people around her are convinced she needs a husband to help ‘tame’ her. Yet, are her affections drifting towards the wrong man? It has led me to search for more reading on Queen Victoria, for I suspect she is a fascinating character study. 

Saving Missy, Beth Morrey 

Missy is 79 and completely alone, rattling around her large London family home. Her husband of 50 years is gone, she longs to see her son and grandson, but they’re in Australia, and she’s estranged from her daughter. After chance encounters with two local women, she ends up minding a dog for them, Bobby, which forces her to engage more with her local area and the people in it. As she gets involved in other’s lives, she opens herself up to them as well. Woven throughout the current day events are her memories of her childhood, university days, marriage and years of mothering. There were a few turns along the way that kept both interesting and realistic. A lovely gentle book about a woman finding the value of sharing life with others.

Where did my libido go?

Where did my libido go? Dr Rosie King

Please note: this review contains reasonably direct references to the sexual life of a married couple.

While not universal, it is not uncommon for wives to note that their desire for sex is lower than that of their husband. Australian doctor and sex therapist, Dr Rosie King has written this book to help women understand and address the differences in their sexual desire to that of their partners.

Her aim is to help women and their partners understand:

• How sexual desire works
• How to maximise libido
• How to increase their sexual enjoyment and
• How to create a regular, satisfying sex life even if they have low desire

She identifies the desire complaints she regularly receives, which fall into three categories:

• I don’t want as much sex as I used to
• I want sex, but not with my partner
• I don’t want sex as often as my partner does

She then considers three cornerstones for overcoming low libido, so together with your husband you can work together to:

• Maximise your sexual desire
• Ensure your relationship is happy and healthy
• Make your sexual activity as enjoyable as possible

King then explores the natural range of desire that women feel, and how it can be affected by life circumstances and stages of a relationship. She analyses some of the chemistry and biology behind desire, and what generally are the inhibitors or enhancers of desire for both men and women.

She explores the question that many women ask: “what’s wrong with my libido?”, especially when they compare it to their partner’s. She helpfully explores the following statements:

• For him sex is relaxing, for her it’s hard work
• His desire is robust, for her it’s conditional
• Stress kills off her sex drive, but not his

She explores medicinal options including testosterone therapy, although concludes it should only be used with reasonable caution. She also considers how the media has unhelpfully contributed to the idea that all women should be interested in sex (much of what she is referring to is mainstream media as well as pornography). She notes how the pendulum has swung completely, for pre-1960s it was assumed women were not interested in sex, in fact there were thought odd if they were. Now with the sexual revolution it has gone completely the other way, with the assumption that all women want and get great sex. As she dryly notes, “we have progressed from the Victorian idea of sex as a marital obligation to be endured by women to the modern notion that all women should be sex-crazy.”

She spends some time considering that numerous women in happy relationships are open to sex, and enjoy it when it happens, but rarely pursue it: “they no longer feel levels of lust high enough to motivate them to initiate sex with their partners. This is such a common scenario it must be considered normal.” In this case, often desire comes after arousal, not before, and so changing expectations around desire can help, as “it is not a prerequisite for enjoyable sex”. This is one of the most helpful observations of the book, along with the further explanation and mindset that accompanies it.

She introduces the idea of the pursuer-distancer cycle, and its impacts on a couple. There are helpful analyses here of how both pursuers and distances relate, and what happens when ‘mercy sex’ is granted, when the distancer does not want it but does so out of guilt or other motivations. She encourages both partners to stop blaming and rather establish goodwill, being able to see the situation from both perspectives.

Part 2 turns towards maximising your desire and arousal. When considering desire, she encourages couples to consider the physical, psychological and contextual factors that inhibit their desire, and then turns to relationship and sexual inhibitors, considering ways to address each.

This includes healing your relationship, by fostering goodwill: “Goodwill is the key to a happy relationship and a fulfilling sex life.” There are ways provided to assess your relationship, how much goodwill you have and whether you really need professional help. Then she progresses to ways to increase goodwill, including an attitude of gratitude and appreciation, identifying and avoiding resentment, and communicating love. She considers Chapman’s love languages as well as some of Gottman’s ideas here. Obviously, increasing the overall quality of relationship comes prior to re-establishing a satisfying sex life.

There is a chapter about the male and female bodies, including considering one’s own sex-related inhibitors, with detailed explanations of the form and function of the male and female genitals.

She then works through three things to help:

• Create the right conditions for sex
• Create a strong focus on erotic pleasure (she is open to pornography use here), and there are detailed exercises for individuals and couples to use (there are some similarities here to what Patricia Weerakoon suggests for couples)
• Ensure one is adequately stimulated (she supports fantasy and pornography use)

Part Three turns to balancing your sex drives, and stopping the pursuer-distancer cycle. This will be helpful for couples who are able to communicate about these things. She then consider why we have sex at all, and how to make it easier to say yes to sex, including the concept of good enough sex, being "an enjoyable emotional and physical connection between two people who care for each other".

I don’t tend to read many non-Christian books about sexual intimacy, as there are likely to be numerous things I disagree with or would not recommend. At some points this is the case, including her suggestions to potentially use pornography and fantasy as stimulation, regular use of masturbation for the higher desire partner, a brief comment about the possibility of open marriages (although she acknowledges few people can actually do this) and the suggestion that ‘outercourse’ is a good safe-sex option for teens. But, these are not the main parts of the book, and all her suggestions can be utilised without these options.

However, taking those things into consideration, this is a very helpful book. For those women that experience a ‘desire discrepancy’ from that of their husband, they are likely to find much here to be of help. Whether it’s her honest assessment of some situations (there will be couples who have not have sex for years, and the wife does not want to at all) or her openness about the benefit of change, couples who are stuck in their sexual relationship (or lack of it) may find much of help here.

The Mandibles

The Mandibles, Lionel Shriver

Absolutely captivating, this book had me hooked for a solid few days. And frankly, reading it at the moment, when we are watching economies suffer and change, it was not easy or comfortable.

It’s 2029, and life in America is not so great. Five years ago was the Stonage, when other nations hacked the US power grid and everything, everywhere turned off. That started the decline and inflation that people are now dealing with. As the dollar continues to plummet, and other nations unite to propose a new currency to form the basis of world trade, the President installs dramatic measures - the cancellation of all foreign debt, that all gold in the US in now owned by the government, no US dollars can be removed from the country, and any trade in the new currency (bancor) is prohibited.

To make it personal, these changes are played out in the lives of multiple generations of the Mandible family. Great-grandfather Douglas, now in his nineties, is the controller of the family wealth, earned years ago by inventive forebears and now keeping him in the lap of luxury in an exclusive nursing home. His two children (in their 70s) have been quietly waiting for years to come in their inheritance, but have managed very comfortable lifestyles of their own. The adult grandchildren never relied on the money, but the satisfaction that it was there somehow helped everyone get by. It seems that only one of them, Willing, a fourteen-year-old great-grandchild, is able to grasp the enormity of what is happening, and what they need to do about it.

As the changes enacted by the government filter their way into the community, you see what really happens to people under dire economic breakdown. Persistent inflation, wages no longer cover basic goods, banks reclaim mortgaged homes, and jobs are lost. Mass unemployment, mass homelessness, mass chaos.

Shriver has keen insight into humanity and their varied ways. Some will just get by, some will flee, some will bury their heads in the sand, some will turn to whatever it takes to find some money, and everyone is pushed beyond what they ever thought they would have to deal with.

“Everyone adapts effortlessly to coming up in the world, and improved circumstances always seem well deserved. But going in the opposite direction feels unnatural. What’s really poisonous that it also feels unjust… I’ve never met anyone whose life has taken a sudden turn for the worse who thought a reversal of fortune was just what they had coming to them. The outrage, the consternation, the fury, all of it impotent - well. Setbacks never bring out the best in people.”

As I said, reading this in the midst of Covid-19 made it especially realistic. Chillingly so. There are comments about the stockpiling of toilet paper that could be out of the news of the last month or so. Of course, once all the paper goes, it’s shredding old clothes and sheets that is required to be used with vinegar, thrown out at first and later saved and washed to preserve them. We can be thankful we didn’t get to that (yet?). Another comment points out that since various diseases spread in communities, it is no longer acceptable to hug or even shake hands (sound familiar?!)

About the first three-quarters tells of the unravelling of the American way of life over the first five years. The final part skips ahead 15 years to show what could have happened moving forwards, picking up the stories of the same people.

Throughout Shriver has comments about healthcare, the US government departments, the US interactions with other nations, most notably Mexico and China. There are obviously many observations about economical and monetary places, and I will admit that Husband had to help me out with understanding some of the early changes described.

All in all, an excellent, thought-provoking read.

Refresh

Refresh, Shona and David Murray

“Over many years, and through many struggles, the Lord has … taught me, and is teaching me, how to live a grace-paced life in a world of overwhelming demands.”

Are you overwhelmed? Are you close to, or at, burnout? Is everything just too much? Many women find there is a time in their life where they ask these questions. Shona and David Murray experienced their own burnout, and found refreshment and healing through trust in God’s sovereignty, care and love, and by facing the reality of their over-paced lives and the limits of their physical bodies. This volume for women is a companion to David’s Reset, which husband found very helpful and shared with the men on his staff team. Shona’s own story is one of burnout with young home-schooled children while working as a doctor and with a husband in ministry. Her experience may be unique, but she speaks situations that many of us are familiar with. Refresh includes single women and those without children, but the main focus feels as though it is for married mothers.

I have read this book twice in recent years. Once a few years ago on long-service leave, and now in the middle of Covid-19 isolation. I am not on the brink of burnout, nor am I currently overwhelmed by demands. For me, in many ways this current season has been one of lower output and fewer deadlines. However, it’s been a time to allow for reassessment and reflection. Where might cracks be appearing? How close are we running to the edge? What level of busyness do we want to return to? We watch others around us take stress leave and need professional help, and consider our own frailties at the same time. So, whether you are currently struggling with the pace of your life, or just want to be aware of what the warning signs might be, this book is worth reading.

It is structured around the concept of ten stations at a gym, the first being Reality Check. Murray provides a process for readers to assess their own state, asking questions to flag warning signs in physical, mental, emotional, relational, vocational, moral and spiritual areas. Then you consider how wide, deep and long you have had symptoms in each area. Her analysis is that if you have warning signs in a couple of areas, and particularly in spiritual or moral areas, you need to address things straight away.

She encourages women to analyse their situation and the effects of their lifestyle, noting the main areas of danger which include idolatry, materialism, debt, indiscipline, diet and perfectionism. She starts with a helpful reminder of God as creator, and who he has made us to be as wonderfully amazing, complex and limited humans, who are affected by sin in all areas.

Then comes an exploration of the value of sleep, noting that sleep proves our trust that God is sovereign and that we are finite. I appreciated this chapter for I am increasingly convicted of the theological importance of sleep, and it is something that can often be ignored. Another chapter examines resting, stopping and relaxing, encouraging time out in each day, the week (a day of rest) and the year (vacation). As she notes: “Every Christian wants to know God more; few Christians fight for the silence required to know him”. For those who want to explore rest (but not sleep) in more detail, you might be interested in the recent secular offering: The Art of Rest.

She expounds the need for regular exercise, and also a healthy diet. There is detailed consideration about medication for depression and other mental health issues. Murray is a GP and I found her to be balanced and wise, she concludes it is a blessing of God for those who need it. She encourages women to consider what fills up their tanks and what empties them and to wisely manage both, so that we can find purposely find refreshment and be aware of depletion.

There is time spent thinking about our identity. Both in Christ and as a forgiven sinner; as well as in our relationships, and the unhelpful identities we may give ourselves that may need tweaking. Part of our identity includes acknowledging our weaknesses as well as our strengths and how they are redefined through Christ.

One gym station reflects on the weights we carry through life:

“By the time we are 40, we are carrying mortgage and credit card debt, work problems, husband and children worries, healthy issues, church conflicts, car repairs, and healthcare premiums, and on and on it goes… The weights accumulated imperceptibly; they multiplied a little every year until life slowly yet inexorably crushed us. Now, our minds are frazzled, our hearts are pounding, our bodies are breaking down, our relationships are straining, our sleep is declining, our quality of work is suffering, and our happiness is a distant memory.”

She considers the idea that there are two ways of operating: the well-planned life and the summoned life, challenging women to see that planning, having a purpose and making appropriate decisions are preferable to living entirely in response to circumstances. But we still need to be able to respond to situations, and so we seek balance. To figure out what this might looks like she considers purpose, planning, and pruning, and how purpose is particularly needed in five areas: our spiritual, family, vocational, church and family lives.

Towards the end, there is encouragement for women to prioritise their relationships: with God, our husbands, our children, friends and older women, noting all are important and probably should operate in that order.

I appreciated Murray’s wisdom, grace and honesty throughout. You can tell that she has lived the overwhelmed life and has experienced major burnout and depression. Yet she has learnt from it and found a better way forward. That better way is multifaceted. It is spiritual refreshment and a willingness to sit at our Lord’s feet. It is a recognition that sin plays a part in all aspects of our lives. It is acceptance that we have limited bodies that need care and maintenance. It is allowing our community to come alongside us and be with us in our struggles.

“The key is to grasp that pacing ourselves is biblical, whereas living the fast, frantic life is not. It takes faith to believe that and to follow through with it. To live it is in fact a dying to self – a dying to our self-will, our self-sufficiency, and our self-image. Have you understood frantic living versus grace paced living in that way before?”

Murray offers wise words and advice we would do well to heed.

“God’s calling to each of us is unique, and he takes great delight in us when we serve him in it … He does not demand burnout. He rejoices to see us taking biblical care of the bodily temple he has gifted to us and is delighted when we live conscious of our weakness and in total dependence on his daily refreshing grace.“

A slightly edited version of this was first published on TGCA.

Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race

Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race, Reni Eddo-Lodge

After reading Ruby Hamad’s White Tears/ Brown Scars, and discussing it at length, I was pointed to this book by Reni Eddo-Lodge, a London based journalist who has written a detailed analysis of racism in Britain, both historically and currently. I have hardly spent any time in Britain, and so do not have any personal experience and knowledge of these issues there, but she has written in a clear and compelling way, that even if I do not fully grasp the political structures or geographical references, her points still hit home to a reader outside the UK.

Eddo-Lodge is a black woman who as a 4-year old asked her mother when she would become white, because all the good people on TV were white, but all the villains were brown or black. Through her university years she took a course on black history where she realised how much of the UK’s history ignored the issues of racism and the range of cultures present in the country. Increasingly right wing political agendas were calling for a reduction in immigration, to protect “British people” and their “way of life”. As she dug deeper, she began to realise the depth of structural racism through all facets of British life.

But as she tried to speak about it, she met walls of resistance from white people, refusing to see the issues, or claiming we are post-racism and that we no longer see colour. After years of trying, and meeting walls, blank faces, arguments and white tears (like Hamad), in 2014 she wrote a blog post (also like Hamad), called “Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race”. It was a way to declare that for self-protection, it was no longer worth talking to people that refused to see the problem. Not unsurprisingly, it sparked critique, but also, much more positively, more conversation, both from people of colour agreeing with her comments, but also from many white people keen to understand more and wanting to know what they could do. It is worth spotting her own note that when she talks about white people she doesn’t mean every individual white person but rather whiteness as a political ideology. (p115)

That led to this book. Firstly she covers some of the history of Britain, including the various ways that people of colour came to the country and how racism has been prevalent across the years. She then turns to consider “the system” using detailed examples of police racism, which led to coverups, persecution and miscarriages of justice for many people of colour. This then leads to an analysis of what she terms ‘structural racism’, how racism is intrinsically part of life, and its reaches affect education, job opportunities, housing, income, the way people are treated in the workforce, access to medical care and so on. Yet, it’s often just assumed or ignored, because it’s so part of life: “The covert nature of structural racism is difficult to hold to account.“ (p64)

“Research from a number of different sources shows how racism is weaved into the fabric of our world. This demands a collective redefinition of what it means to be racist, how racism manifests, and what we must do to end it. It seems like black people face a disadvantage at every significant step in their lives.” (p65-66)

She then turns to consider white privilege: “the fact that if you’re white, your race will almost certainly positively impact your life trajectory in someway. And you probably won’t even notice it.... White privilege is dull, grinding complacency. It is par for the course in a world in which drastic race inequality is responded to with a shoulder shrug, considered just the norm.“ (p87)

This chapter also raises some interesting questions about mixed race children and where they find their identity, whether parents actually consider both ethnicities as they raise a child, and the impacts of privilege and racism on that child.

The next chapter then turns to consider “Fear of a black planet”, and the irrational fear that white people have that perhaps one day the tables will be turned on them. As such, she makes some very interesting comments comparing the importance of talking about racism with its often counter-argument: talking about offending people. What happens at that point she says,

"Tackling racism moves from conversations about justice to conversations about sensitivity. Those who are repeatedly struck by racism’s tendency to hinder their life chances are told to toughen up and grow a thicker skin."

As she notes, the conversations need to be had, and we need to encourage free speech. But, as she notes:

“Free speech is a fundamental foundation of a free and fair democracy. But let’s be honest and have the guts to unpick who gets to speak, where, and why. The real test of this country’s perimeters of freedom of speech will be found if or when a person can freely discuss racism without being subject to intellectually dishonest attempts to undermine their arguments. If free speech, as so many insist, includes being prepared to hear opinions that you don’t like, then let’s open up the parameters of what we consider acceptable debate.”

She then considers feminism and introduces the term intersectionality to address the joint issues black women face when delaying with both racism and sexism. Hamad dealt with the intersection between racism and feminism in more depth, but I also appreciated Eddo-Lodge’s analysis here. She finally turns to consider class structure, and how racism in intertwined here as well. There was some detail on London’s housing situation here, which while the details escaped me, was clearly showing the disadvantage people of colour experience when councils ‘gentrify’. She also challenges the idea that more education, or moving up in class will really make any difference:

"Being constantly looked at like an alien in the country you were born in requires true tolerance. I don’t think that any amount of class privilege, money or education can shield you from racism." (p208-209)

The final chapter moves to considerations of how to respond. First she says, the conversation needs to keep being had. When asked, when do you think we’ll get to the end point on this, she says “you can’t skip to the resolution without having a difficult, messy conversation first. We are still in the hard bit.“ (p213). She notes,

“Change is incremental, and racism will exist long after I die. But if you’re committed to anti-racism, you’re in it for the long haul. It will be difficult. Getting to the end point will require you to be uncomfortable." (p214)

I was pleased to see her considerations of what white people can do in the space:

“White people, you need to talk to other white people about race. Yes, you maybe written off as a radical, but you have much less to lose…If you feel burdened by your unearned privilege, try to use it for something, and use it where it counts. But don’t be antiracist for the sake of an audience. Being white and anti-racist in your private or professional life, where there is very little prize to be found, is much more difficult, but ultimately more meaningful.” (p216).

There was also a measured warning about the of championing causes on social media. “We really need to be honest with ourselves, and recognise our own inherent biases, before we think about performing anti-racism for an audience.”

In the end, her conclusions rang true to me:

“racism is a white problem. It reveals the anxieties, hypocrisies and double standards of whiteness. It is a problem in the psyche of whiteness that white people must take responsibility to solve.” (p219)

So, she suggests, white people first need to be talking about it, then to consider how whiteness has silently aided our lives, but in the end she does not encourage guilt, “I don’t want white guilt. Neither do I want to see white people wasting precious time profusely apologising rather than actively doing things. No useful movements for change of ever sprung out of fervent guilt.” Her suggestion is get angry because anger can be useful and you can support those in the struggle rather than pitying yourself.

She concludes, “it can be as small scale in chipping away at the warped power relations in your workplace. It can be passing on knowledge and skills to those who wouldn’t access them otherwise. It can be creative. You can be informal. You can be your job. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you’re doing something.”

This book, along with Hamad’s, have caused me to think through these issues in more depth than ever before. I have appreciated the challenges they have raised, and the uncomfortableness they have made me feel. Clearly there is no short term fix for the systemic racism apparent in our communities, but I feel better informed to at least be part of the conversation and consideration for change.

White Tears / Brown Scars

White Tears / Brown Scars, Ruby Hamad

This book is still rolling around in my head and has prompted further reading as well. I read it thanks to a partial interview I heard on ABC radio, and was intrigued.

Ruby Hamad is an Australian journalist and author, who was born in Lebanon. She has written a searing critique of white culture, most notably white women, and how for centuries they have used their position of power over women of colour. Much of her focus is on Australia and the United States.

She starts identifying her own and other women of colour’s experience that when they raise issues of racism with white women, usually the situation is turned back on them, with white women claiming they have been victimised or that the woman of colour challenging them has been arrogant and hostile. This led to her to write an article titled ”How white women use strategic tears to silence women of colour”, which was picked up by numerous media outlets and led to Hamad realising her experience was definitely not unique.

When she began this book, her central question was "What happens when racism and sexism collide?" What she analyses is:

 “the way in which women of colour who attempt to address an issue that is detrimental to them in some way almost invariably come up against a wall of white fragility so immovable, so lacking in empathy, so utterly unrepentant, that the first few times it happens, you naturally assume you are imagining it, that you are the problem, that you should have gone about it differently … until at some point you, as a woman of colour, realise in shock that regardless of the facts of the situation, the real problem isn’t even about you. It is how white society regards you. It is how white society treats you. Because you, as a woman of colour, do not measure up to their image of what a women in and should be in order to be believed, supported and defended.”

From here, Hamad explores roots of white colonialism. Because the prevailing idea at the time was that all brown, Asian or black (any non-white) culture was subhuman, you could treat those people any way you liked, which included sexualising the women. Of course, this also enabled white men to treat indigenous women as they chose, with no consequences or repercussions. She goes on to explore the power that sex and desire played in these interactions, as indigenous women were cast in the worst possible, simplistic light, either as unable to control their desires or wanting white men to save them from their own men. And so arose stereotypes which exist still in various forms today: the spicy sexpot of Latin America, the submissive China Doll, the deceptive Dragon Lady, the Angry Black Woman or the Bad Arab. Whereas, she asserts, white women were always seen to be pure, innocent, damsels in distress, who needed protection and saving from white men, often against the perceived threats of indigenous men.

When considering white privilege and how white people do not know how to interact with it, she quotes another woman, Kristina: “I think white people have discomfort from their white privilege, and then when you have conversations with them about these issues, that discomfort suddenly ruptures, and they see that as discrimination against them because they’ve never had to operate in a system where you have to own your discomfort.”

While analysing white tears and how white women use their fragility when challenged, she also draws attention to the maternal complex of white women trying to rescue indigenous people from their believed lower states. This has extended to removing children from their homes in order to give them a more ‘civilised’ upbringing. She looks further into feminism, and how most change has been won for white women, not women of colour, noting “there is no recourse for women of colour who have been burned by white feminism”.

There are times when she starts to think change will happen, but then writes off the change: “White women keep apologising, telling us they will listen, they will improve, but they never do”.

In the final chapter, she has two conclusions:

1. "Women of colour must become consciously aware of the limitations forced on them, that these limitations are designed to keep us on the lowest rung of the hierarchy, and that we need to collectivise to bring them down", and
2. "white women have to acknowledge the unfair advantage their race has given them not just in the sense they have white privilege, but in the sense they have participated in a system where their womanhood is itself a privilege and a weapon."

She finishes with a rallying cry for women of colour to unite and white women to get behind them. Beyond that though, there is little suggestion of what a real way forward could look like.

What are my thoughts? They are many, varied, and I’m still considering them.

1. She has presented a strong critique against almost all aspects of white culture, particularly the impacts of colonialism, which read as accurate portrayals of much history.
2. Her stereotypes of women of colour struck a chord, especially when you consider how they are still represented in popular culture.
3. Yet, I also wondered if her representation of white women is also a bit stereotyped. There was no recognition that some white women do not behave this way, and yet there must be some that do not fit her mould.
4. Related to this (and I acknowledge that her topic was white women), there are numerous cultures who believe they are superior to others. We do live in a western world, where white is often seen to be dominant, yet there are other cultures who have the same sense of entitlement and priority. An exploration of this would have been interesting.
5. It can be insightful to read an author who holds strong, different opinions on many things to our own. I don’t mean so much her comments or analysis of racism, but as I looked through her Facebook page, it’s clear we think differently on numerous issues and also choose to express ourselves differently. Yet, it’s helpful to be challenged and consider various perspectives.
6. It was outside the realm of her research, but personally, I want to consider her conclusions through a Christian lens. Of course Christians have not always done this well in the past, and I agree that dreadful wrongs have been done in the name of the church. Yet, I hope that for those who truly believe that all mankind is made in the image of God, there is a desire to see the equality and value of all. How do we seek to really love our neighbour, if our neighbour is all people, of all colour?
7. In the end, I found myself asking, “what do you want me to do?” I am not a journalist, a CEO, a politician, a leader of any type in a public setting. So, what is Hamad asking of me? I would have loved another chapter or two with some productive suggestions for moving forward. I am a white woman, I make mistakes (as we all do), so what should I do - in the day-to-day and in the bigger picture? I felt this book would have been more powerful, as well as more conciliatory and productive if this was included.

All in all, a challenging read and well worth diving into, it will make you consider your own reflections and experiences of racism, whether you are white or of colour, male or female - and that is something we all need to do.

Surviving Year 12

Surviving Year 12, Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson

How do you feel about having a Year 12 student? (whether you currently do, have done or will do)

Most of us will have observed (or experienced) the range of ways parents can respond to Year 12. Some devote all their time and energy to their students, some greatly over-exaggerate the importance of it all, some glide through the year hardly noticing, and others manage to be in the state this book recommends: “chilled but vigilant”.

Mr Year 12’s high school had Michael Carr-Gregg, one of Australia’s leading adolescent psychologists and author of books like The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0, come and give a presentation about “Surviving and Thriving Year 12” for parents in February. It coincided with the release of his new book on the same topic.

We have our first Yr 12 student this year and two more coming in the future, and as his presentation was excellent, it seemed worthwhile investing in this little book.

Carr-Gregg and Robinson have done a great job of breaking down the issues and challenges of Year 12 into manageable chunks and explaining them in helpful, realistic, practical ways for parents of their senior high schoolers. I don’t recall my parents stressing that much about my Year 12 experience, although they were supportive and present. It’s a relatively recent phenomenon that parents get so involved in Year 12 - or in many cases, so over-involved. It is somewhat ironic that a book about “Surviving Year 12” is written for parents, rather than the students. Wisely, the authors suggest that parents need to back off a fair bit, and concentrate on providing a healthy home environment that does not add to their stresses.

They state their purpose at the beginning:

“This book is about providing your teen with the optimal circumstances, based on evidence-informed skills, knowledge and strategies, for them to do as well as they can in the final year of school without compromising their wellbeing. It presents Year 12 and ATAR as important but not life defining. It will, above all, help you to be the best support and resource you can be for your child, taking into account their unique personality, motivations and coping skills – to be their cheer squad.” 

They divide the book into three parts, and the first sets the scene.

“Your role is to be the supportive bystander in Year 12, eagerly cheering on from the sidelines but not being a major player. We could light up Australia with the amount of energy that parents spend badgering, nagging, complaining, nitpicking and carping about the efforts of their teen in Year 12, but not only is this behaviour time-consuming and ineffective, it can also create a poisonous atmosphere in the home, which consolidates the pressure.” 

They raise an important question that should be considered early - should your child actually do Year 12? Should they perhaps extend the time they take over it, or take a year off before they attempt it? Rarely will parents consider these questions, so they are worth raising.

The second part dives in to more detail. As I said before, they advocate a ‘chilled yet vigilant’ method of parenting, and considers seven actions that parents can do to be most helpful:

1. Be a charismatic adult
2. Engage in positive reinforcement
3. Help them keep the year in perspective
4. Encourage them to challenge negative self-talk
5. Help them focus on the good bits
6. Look after yourself
7. Turn down the dial on conflict

They consider diet & nutrition, technology use, sleep, rest, exercise, mental health and wellbeing. There is a helpful simple explanation of stress and anxiety and how both work, with stress being the response to an external cue, and anxiety the internal response to the stress.

“The amount that students can tolerate before they become distressed will vary depending on their temperament and life situation.”

There are practical and simple life management tips to help them manage stress. The section finishes with some study tips, even considering the place of chewing gum in study and listening to music:

“There appears to be irrational gene that predisposes many parents to believe that young people should not listen to music (particularly music they like) while studying. However, evidence indicates that there is no definitive answer as to whether listening to music while studying is good or bad.”

The final section considers the “last steps to freedom”. First, they look at the final exams:

“The role of the parent during exams is to be a benign presence, a giant psychological safety net, ready and able to be there to offer support when needed, especially around maintaining wellbeing.”

It then turns to schoolies, getting results, considering uni and other pathways, and those final stages of moving towards adulthood.

This is a very helpful and applicable book for Australian parents of Year 12 students. It will hopefully reframe the issues for some, pointing out the Year 12 is just another step in the path to adulthood and that no-one is defined by their ATAR. It provides solid advice and encouragement to help your high-schooler have the most helpful and productive year possible as they finish school. Worth reading for Year 12 parents, and those approaching it.

For the Joy

For The Joy, edited by Miriam Chan and Sophia Russell 

As clearly explained in the subtitle, this book contains “21 Australian Missionary Mother Stories on Cross-Cultural Parenting and Life”.

Editors Miriam Chan and Sophia Russell, have skilfully drawn together a marvellous range of women to speak of their experience being mothers on the mission field, across different circumstances. Some are dwelling in large cities in Asia or South America, others live rurally in Africa or South-east Asia. Some are retired and are reflecting on years of service with now adult children, and others are still on the field in the midst of parenting young ones. Some are homeschooling, others are working in paid ministry roles.

Within that range however, some things unite them all. They all have a trusting faith that they are saved by God’s grace alone and they share a conviction to serve the Lord overseas. All have been humbled to realise their own weakness in situations that have been challenging. All call Australia their home country, or their sending country. They are all mothers, and write from their perspective as mothers. All have had cause to reflect on parenting in a cross-cultural context - to see the benefits and the challenges of raising “third culture” kids. And every story finishes with a confirmation that God is good, that God is faithful, that he is with us in all circumstances, and that serving him has been worth it.

Some stories invite us into the ordinariness of parenting, the little people that you care for, love, protect and teach. These are similar wherever you are, even if still in Australia. Other stories will cause you to wonder, “how did she live through that?” “How did they keep going?”. You may find yourself weeping for the loss and grief some families have experienced, while also noting that some of the tragedies could still have happened in Australia.

Although all the contributors are Australian missionary mothers, it would be a great shame if only other Australian missionary mothers read this book. There is much here to encourage and challenge all Christian mothers as we think about parenting with faith. But men too should be reading this, to appreciate the service, faithfulness and challenges facing mothers serving overseas. I’m sure this is being put in the hands of many women planning to go on the field as well, although my word of caution would be to read it with others prayerfully and talk about it together, rather than read it solo imagining yourself in all the situations.

Anyone who supports missionaries should read it to gain insight into the potential joys and challenges for families on the field. Indeed, if you are like me, and have been in Australian Christian circles for a while supporting and encouraging mission, there’s every chance you’ll know some of these women personally, maybe your church has been supporting them, or you may have been praying for them for years through mission organisation prayer diaries.

Some mothers might worry that “the average Christian mother” reading it would end up feeling “not good enough”. That is, thinking our life is not that hard and yet we really struggle, or that we could never be that faithful, or that trusting in God, or that prayerful. But that would be missing the point. These are stories about women in various encouraging and challenging circumstances, but who all have had to trust in God in their weakness, lack of support, or despair. I found them incredibly encouraging, and a helpful challenge to my own faithfulness in parenting.

I usually include lots of quotes when I review a book, but I decided just to read and appreciate this one. Having said that, I’ll include one from Penny’s story that sums up what many of the women indicated:

“[God] slowly broke down the expectations I’d had for myself around what living missionally looked like, and taught me the value of forming genuine friendships and unconditional love. Missional living wasn’t about me being a hero. It was about me walking humbly with God, allowing Him to set the priorities - kingdom and gospel priorities - for how I could respond to my family and community.”

Yes, this is an honest, challenging, and sometimes confronting collection of stories. But it is also a refreshing way to see God’s goodness in all circumstances and to be reminded that parenting is a God-given gift that we do well not to squander. Most of all, this is a collection that bears testimony to our faithful Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and his work both in individual people and across the nations of the world.

This post first appeared on The Gosopel Coalition Australia website. 

Fiction mini-reviews

Twenty-One Truths About Love, Matthew Green
Funny and poignant book about Dan as he tries to balance his failing business, his wife’s desire for a baby, and his ever-present feelings of uselessness. Written entirely in the form of lists, it shows real creativity of the author to convey meaning and depth in an engaging format. As with any modern fiction, some crassness and swearing, but eminently likeable as you see Dan make mistakes and act out of fear, yet still come through in the end.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Gail Honeyman
An amusing yet also heart-rending story of Eleanor, a 30-year old woman, who lives a very solitary life, working faithfully at her job mid-week and drinking alone on weekends, rarely interacting with anyone. It becomes evident that she is surviving with major mental health challenges, which in time are revealed to be the result of trauma. She talks to Mummy every week, who is in some sort of institution. She believes herself to be in love with a lead singer of a band, and plans to meet him; yet at the same time, slowly develops a friendship with Raymond, an IT guy at work. There are elements of real sadness here, and it worth flagging that there are numerous types of domestic violence embedded in the story. Over time, you see Eleanor change, grow and expand her horizons as she learns to trust her new friend. A very enjoyable and engaging read.

After the End, Claire Mackintosh
Compelling and very moving book told from the alternating perspectives of Max and Pip, a loving and committed couple whose young son Dylan is critically ill with brain cancer and its complications. The first half sets up the history and then examines what happens when Max and Pip find themselves on completely opposite sides when asked to decide whether to allow Dylan to die, or keep him alive in the hope of a cure. The second half explores exactly what could happen after the decision is made. Not surprisingly, it’s pretty emotional and very powerful. Having been impressed by the author’s insight and sensitivity into so many aspects of having a desperately sick child, it came as no surprise to discover upon reading her bio that her own family faced a similar situation.

Misconception, Rebecca Freeborn
A somewhat challenging read about Ali and Tom, a couple madly in love and highly committed to each other. They have decided later in life to have children, and after two miscarriages and fertility treatment, Ali is now pregnant. However, the worst occurs and Elizabeth is stillborn. Ali returns quickly to work, and turns to alcohol to numb the pain. Tom tries to support her in the midst of his own grief, but she keeps pushing him away. It becomes clear Ali is also still working through issues in her childhood when her father died, leaving her mother unable to cope, who also turned to drink. It’s set in Adelaide, and feels like it’s written only for locals as Freeborn refers to suburbs, pubs and hospitals by name. I can imagine myself going to the same places (and have been), but it might make it less accessible for those not familiar with the city. There is a moderate amount of harsh swearing, and a lot of alcohol use. Overall, it’s a heartrending account of grief and how people process loss.

Books by Kelli Estes

I really enjoyed two fiction books by Kelli Estes recently. Both have concurrent storylines set in different times running through them, providing an interesting take on both historical and current ages, which are then linked together in various ways.

Today We Go Home tells the story of two women who served in the military in the US. Larkin Bennett is struggling after the death of close friend and fellow soldier Sarah in a bombing in Afghanistan. She was injured in the same incident, and has been medically discharged with the army, suffering from PTSD. She goes to live with her grandmother, but is clearly struggling with guilt and grief. She finds a diary amongst Sarah’s belongings, which she knew inspired Sarah into the military.

The diary is written by Emily Wilson, which introduces the second storyline. In 1861, Emily longs to fight alongside her father and brother when they head off to join the Union army against the Secessioners. Instead she is left home with relatives and a younger brother to take care of the farm. When they hear their brother is seriously injured, they leave to find him, and both end up enlisting in the army, with Emily hiding her gender, enlisting as a man, Jesse.

It was a solid story, and Estes clearly wanted to highlight the varied active roles women have had in military service over the centuries, whether or not they were acknowledged for it. Pretty much all the female characters in this book are strong, capable, and likeable. The male characters were more mixed, some being lovely, and others quite negatively portrayed. I suspect the range of opinions given in the books (both now and in the past), accurately represent the feelings that people have had (and do have) and women serving in the military; the enabling of it, but often the censure as well.

There are some insightful comments about military life, life upon return from service, care of veterans, and the roles of women.

The Girl Who Wrote in Silk covers the modern day story of Inara Erickson, who has just inherited Rothesay, a large estate from her aunt in the San Juan Islands in Washington State. She struggles to return to the island, having left soon after her mother’s death years before, but soon finds that it provides a home and potential business that perfectly suits her. She happens across an embroidered sleeve that is clearly Asian in origin, wrapped and preserved for over a hundred years. She seeks out Daniel Chin, PhD professor in China studies to investigate. They realise the sleeve is telling a detailed story.

That story is of Mei Lien, and it begins with her and her family’s eviction from the city of Seattle, because of increasing anti-Chinese sentiment in 1886. She is the only survivor from the boat that takes all the Chinese out of the city. She meets a local man Joseph, who cares for her and a friendship develops. In time she finds a life, but it is hard as the deep-seated racism and ostracism of much of the local community prevents her from having a real sense of home.

This was a sadder story at many levels, as you see the persistent ugliness that immigrants faced. Yet there was hope, love and joy, as well as pain.

I think both of these books would also be suitable for teenagers. There is some romance in them, but it is modest. They are interesting stories, that girls could enjoy and learn from. I appreciated both and look forward to seeing what Estes writes in the future.