Fiction Books, cont.

I have been reading a bit of fiction lately - and am now going to stop, because I have got nothing else done. I knew there was a reason I restricted fiction to holidays, because I have little to no self-control. Even with books I don't really enjoy!

I have previously mentioned how much I loved Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, so I decided to read her other series, the Lord John Grey novels. He is a minor character in the Outlander series, whom she has now devoted 3 books to. I have now read two - Lord John and The Private Matter and Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade. I will not be reading the third. Three aspects of the Outlander series that I loved were that: (1) they have a vast scope, covering massive periods of time and history very well, (2) they tell a wonderful love story of a married couple and (3) they are based on an interesting premise: that time travel is available for some people, and the results of what may happen if that were so. Sadly, the Lord John Grey novels do none of these - they are designed more to be mysteries. However, I got confused in each book with the number of characters tied up in the mysteries and therefore got less interested as I read. Moreover, Lord John is gay. Normally this would not particularly bother me, but it is so much as part of his persona that it almost defines the books and his physical relationships are described in some detail. As I mentioned in the previous post, the sex scenes in the Outlander series are also quite detailed, but I am less concerned about those because they (mostly) occur within a committed marriage relationship. In some ways, I am just as disinterested with other novels that have explicit sex scenes with no purpose and no marriage relationship as their basis, eg adultery. I think Gabaldon has made a calculated risk with these books - she knows she has a very committed fan base with her Outlander series, and the interest overflows to these books, as they are about character that we already know. I really liked Lord John in the Outlander books, he is a noble and honourable man. While those character traits continue in these books, really the only draw card for me is to learn something more about Jamie and Claire (the main characters in the Outlander novels). It is not enough for me to read the third. On a much happier note, my husband gave me all 6 of the Outlander novels (I previously borrowed them all from the library). I am delighted! I now have to exercise some self-control until June when we are on holidays, at which point he has promised also to try them.

Book Review: I'm More than the Pastor's Wife

Book Review: I'm more than the Pastor's Wife: Authentic Living in a Fishbowl World, Lorna Dobson

I picked up this book off a friend's shelf, intrigued by the title - I am a minister's wife, after all. (I still don't like the word pastor - no good reason though!)

It was good, and I will outline some reasons why in a bit.

However, it helped me to realise a number of things (most of which I already knew!)

• I see myself more as Husband's wife, not the minister's wife. He is certainly the minister, but that does not define entirely who I am. [I'm sure part of that is because I do not attend the congregations that are his main responsibility, for 'stage of life' reasons]

• Having said that, I am very happy to be the minister's wife. Both of us feel that being in ministry is an enormous privilege. We are invited to be a part of people's lives. We share people's joys, we talk, cry and pray with people in pain and strife, we help couples to prepare for marriage, Husband marries them and he baptises their children - we share in the ups and downs of people's lives. It is understood, and expected, that we would read the bible and pray with people. What a privilege!

• We are truly blessed to be in the church that we are in. Husband serves at a church that values and cares for its ministers. Husband is supported and encouraged, we are provided with a wonderful home and there are many, many people who truly care about us and our children.

I guess, having said that, you may see why I don't feel I got a great deal from this book - not because it did not have much to offer, rather that I am just very content at the moment as 'the minister's wife'.

Some of the helpful points Dobson makes are:

• The reminder that "As pastor's wives, what we need to realise is that our struggle for normalcy and balance is no more difficult than that of others." (p40). This is very true, our lives are not more complicated than others. In fact, I find that the benefits of my husband being in ministry far outweigh any negatives at the moment. Our circumstances I'm sure are different to some others, but Husband is able to be flexible with his time, helping to pickup or dropoff at school and he can be around for dinner/bath/bed times most evenings. He can have his day off on a weekday which enables the two of us to have a day together, child-free. This is much more flexibility than a number of my friends whose husbands work professional jobs in the city, who work long hours with little support from bosses when it comes to family issues. I sometimes think we ministry wives don't realise quite how good we have it.

• The importance of support networks of other ministry wives'. I am convinced this is a very important means of support. We are in a church where all of the 'preacher's wives' (9 and growing), meet together fortnightly to pray for one-another as well as going away together once a year for a few nights. This has been a wonderful group and a great support, and true friendships have grown from it. We all make it a priority to attend. Over the years I have also caught up with other smaller groups of minister's wives from other churches. I have particularly valued the time with women who are at stages of life ahead of mine - seeing how they manage the early school years, the teenagers and the children growing into adults. Those of us 'young ones' think they should pool resources and write a book to guide us later! Dobson did not really go into how these types of groups could also help with accountability, but they certainly can. As we are all 'on the same level', we can ask each other how our personal relationship with God is going and be honest about our struggles. My guess is the average parishioner is unlikely to ask the minister or his wife if they are reading their bibles and turning to God in prayer.

• I won't go into detail but she covers a wide number of areas: our identity, marriage, priority, relationship with God, balancing friendships, managing criticism, feelings of loneliness and boundaries. She had helpful things to say in all of these areas. Some things she covered were not relevant to me personally: we do not deal with a church board and Husband does not have a personal secretary who manages his diary.  Husband is not a senior minister either, so he does not have Parish Council Meetings or anything like that, and those things which he does have are supportive rather than not - however her advice on some of these areas would be helpful for those whom it is relevant.

My only real quibble with the book was that it seemed to skim the surface a bit, I would have liked to read more in depth about many of the issues she covered. Also, it was not as logically ordered as would have suited my brain, so I felt the chapters did not fit together well - but that is my problem!

So, all in all, a helpful resource.

Can anyone recommend other good books on this topic?

Bible for Children

Thanks to all who commented on my previous post about when to start reading a proper bible with children. As a result we did get Mr 5 a NIrV for Christmas and he loves it. He is a keen reader and has reading time on his own every night before bed. More often than not, he is choosing to read his bible. His is a Kids Quest Study Bible. We looked around a bit, choosing one where the illustrations and 'study part' did not distract too much from the text itself.

We have started with Mark and read a short amount each night. It certainly requires us to spend time with him and explain the passages, which is a good discipline for us too. It makes you realise how well (or not) you understand certain passages of the bible yourself. For example, I was reading to him the night we were at Mark 2:21-22, the passage about not putting new wine into old wineskins and patching a garment with old cloth rather than new. When I came to explain it, I realised I did not really know how to, especially in 5-year old language. Husband and I can only benefit from having to explain the bible to him. (I must say, I was happy Husband was on the night they read about John the Baptist's beheading, rather than me!)

So far, so of the benefits we have found in Mr 5 having a full bible are:

• he searches around it himself
• he is learning how to use the index to find the book he wants
• he is looking for the memory verses Colin Buchanan uses in his songs (once he has found them, they do not always match up, as he has a NIrV and Colin uses NIV, so then we can look at Mummy or Daddy's bible to see the words there). So we have been able to explain the idea of different translations a little.
• he is asking questions about what he reads - he came to me the other night asking why Jesus was crucified before he was born. It turns out he had been reading the end of Mark and then turned over to the beginning of Luke. It was a great chance to explain how there are different books talking about different things and there are 4 gospels, etc.
• it makes me trust in God even more than his word is sufficient for all. At the moment, there are probably parts of the bible I would prefer he does not find (some of the incidents in Judges for example). However, I know that while God's word never shies away from the realities of human sin and divine judgment, what it always teaches is the truth. Therefore, I can be confident knowing that God is moulding Mr 5 as he reads His word.

Therefore, if your children are reading and do not yet have their own full bible, I recommend it!

Book Review: Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Carolyn McCulley

I have just finished reading this book, following along with the Equip Book Club website.

Ali's comments on that website are much more thorough and thought- out that my few comments will be here. However, I still thought I would post a few thoughts.

Generally, I enjoyed this book and thought it has some helpful points to make, both from Scripture and from personal testimony. Because it is written by a woman, it added a different perspective on singleness that a book like The Single Issue (by Al Hsu, see review here).

It is always hard for me to really know whether a book on singleness is helpful for a single person, as I have been married for almost 10 years. Having said that, she offers a helpful perspective and biblical counsel on a number of areas of life, which really could be relevant for all, men or women, single or married.

Some of the points she made which I learnt from or was challenged by were:

1. Her comment, quoting C.J. Mahaney that "Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God- and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ." [He goes on to say that "So why doubt that God will provide a much, much lesser need" - a less helpful point in some ways, God may not provide a spouse]. His original point stands thought - our greatest need in this world is salvation, and we have that.

2. The question one should ask is "What is God doing with and through my singleness?" (rather than "Why am I still single?")

3. Speaking of contentment, she says that the difference between a holy complaint and a discontented complaint - in one we complain to God, in the other we complain of God. It is a good reminder that in all things in life we should first turn to God, trusting him and his plans for us.

4. Her openness in stating that she wished that the plight of those that reject God would move her as much as her own desires - how often does she grieve over her singleness but not over those who will never know God and his salvation? This is a reminder to all of us to look above our personal situations to see also what grieves God.

5. In the chapter on children, she looks at other ways to be involved with children, including an 'au pair' - living with a family almost as an adopted aunt. The idea has great positive benefit, but is unlikely to work for many families. She speaks of the joy of being an aunt, and I think there are many benefits to being involved with a family (without living with them), that women can have.

• As a mother myself, and knowing a number of single women, I think perhaps it would be helpful to encourage single women to be involved in the lives of children, if they want to be. I don't want to force my kids on anyone, but I know there are women out there who may want to have time with children and form a special relationship with them. I wonder perhaps, if it is up to that person to approach the family and ask to be involved? I do not want to assume a desire to spend time with my family, but would be delighted if someone took that initiative. What do others think, is that too much to ask - would it be too daunting to ask to be closely involved in the life of a family?

There were some parts of the book that caused me think a little more:

1. I did find some discontinuity throughout the book. It seemed that half the time she was encouraging women to see how to serve God and others through their singleness, and to find contentment in their status; and the other half, she was challenging them to consider how their decisions may affect future husbands or how to prepare to become a better (potential) wife. I wonder if this may bother some single readers? For example:

• On p63 she suggests that one should pray to be a good wife. I understand that we all should be praying to be more godly women, but is it possible that for someone who is single and struggling with it, even the act of regularly praying to 'be a good wife' may add to feelings of resentment?
• p118 - she advised a woman not to get into a lot of debt in furthering her education because of the implications that debt may have on a future marriage. She did temper this later in the chapter suggesting that it may be appropriate to invest wisely in your education, for if one remains single one will continue to need to work, or perhaps to invest in buying a home. I wonder if the concern at that stage is not whether the investment would impact a potential future marriage, but rather will the woman be able to repay the debt without it impacting of her ability to serve God generously, both in time and money

2. I wasn't sure whether the chapter on hospitality had the most helpful focus. She was encouraging women to learn to cook and have proper dinner parties. But is that really hospitality or just entertaining? I found myself (probably harshly I admit) thinking that having dinner parties is a luxury that single people (and those married without kids) are able to have. We have dinners in our home regularly, but they almost all consist of the use of a slow-cooker that has been on all day, entirely because it is impossible to prepare a "dinner party quality meal" with 3 children under foot all needing to be fed and put into bed between 5 and 7pm. I would love to have the time to experiment with recipes and prepare new meals, but it is just not possible.

• She also encourages single women in this chapter to invite families into their homes. I think this is great, although sometimes I feel hesitant (on the very few times we have actually received such an invitation). Houses without children are understandably not set up for them, and the stress of ensuring my kids don't pull over the wine rack, CD/DVD rack, glassware etc is very large. One potential solution which other wise friends have come up with is to 'have us for dinner' but in our own home. They come to us and prepare and serve the meal, but we can still be in our home where our children are entertained and can go to sleep in their own beds (without the need for a babysitter either!)

3. I also found some comments in the chapter on "the blessing of children" interesting. She starts by talking about the barren women in the bible and how God intervened to bless them with children in older years. This is certainly not a promise I would be giving to older single women. Those miraculous interventions of God were all part of God fulfilling his plan of salvation in keeping the genealogy of Christ intact. While I do not doubt God's ability to act to allow women who are barren the miracle of childbearing, it seems unhelpful to encourage women with this.

4. My other concern, and a minor one at that, is the title of the book. Is that really a title a single woman would want on her bookshelf? And is it likely to prevent someone from reading it? Too late really to pose that thought, but I did wonder! I actually came across Carolyn's blog, in which she notes in passing that had she realised the impact of the title, she may never have used it!

At the end of each chapter, McCulley includes a resource list, which I thought was very helpful. I intend to sort through them all again and note the ones I would like to read.

All in all, a book with a lot of helpful things in it.

Heatwave

As many of you will be aware, we are in the midst of a rather impressive heatwave here in Adelaide.
Today's sixth consecutive day of +40 deg C (+104 deg F) temperatures in Adelaide has equalled the record set in January 1908.

While it is certainly hot, unpleasant and hard to manage children in, it has also made me realise how good our lives are.

I am very glad to be living through this heatwave, rather than the 1908 one! Without much knowledge beyond a quick web search, I would venture to presume that in 1908:
- hardly any one had electricity to their homes (Adelaide only was connected to the grid in 1900)
- no air-conditioning (not invented till the 1920s/30s)
- no refrigeration (not made in the US until ~1915)
- clothing for women was corseted and ankle length
- keeping your babies/children cool would have been very hard
- I don't know how many houses would have been connected to water and sewerage

Therefore, I am very thankful to have air-conditioning, refrigeration, running water, shorts & singlet tops! I am also very happy when anyone with a pool invites us for a swim!

Book review: Now that you are back

Now that you are back: A Journey through Depression, Richard Beeston

This helpful little book records one couple's story of depression:

How can it be possible for anyone to say that suffering can be a good thing? How can you possibly be ‘thankful’ for depression?
One of the striking things about a journey through the wilderness of suffering is that it often opens up a much bigger picture of life, of ourselves, even God. That’s the kind of journey that Richard and Alison have written about in this book.
With a mix of adventure, humour, medical insight and sound wisdom, Now That You Are Back will change the way you think about depression, suffering, and finding hope in the hardest of times.

(From the back of the book, and their website)

Richard writes about the experience of his wife Alison and her battle with depression. It is very short (I read it in about 30 mins) but provides a helpful insight into one person's experience of depression, including anxiety attacks, suicude threats and hospitalisation. He mixes medical information and statistics in amongst the story, helping us to understand not only Alison's story, but a number of people that we know who suffer in similar ways.

I think this book would be helpful reading for almost anyone. Almost everyone knows someone who has suffered from depression, and some of us don't really understand it and feel uncertain how to help or be supportive. As it is written with a Christian perspective, it is also helpful for those of us in churches who want to support and care for those around us.

A worthwhile resource.

Book Review: 101 Questions to ask Before You Get Engaged

Book Review: 101 Questions to ask Before You Get Engaged, H. Norman Wright

This is a very helpful book for a couple who are becoming serious in their relationship and wondering whether marriage is right for them. It would not strictly need to be used prior to engagement, and would be very helpful to use during an engagement in preparation for marriage.

It is designed for a couple to look at together, to ask each other questions and bring up conversation topics. Both people would have to be committed to doing it together, if one was not, it would be very hard work, although that in itself would help someone to know whether their partner was ready for a serious relationship.

One risk is that it could be used too early in a relationship, as it requires great openness and honesty about many subjects, and used too soon could create more openness and intimacy than may be appropriate.

Wright starts with a short chapter outlining the risks of marrying someone who you do not really know and that we need to be able to heed the warning signs that we may see in a prospective partner, rather than continuing in the 'fog' of love assuming all will be fine once married.

He then starts with the 101 questions, each posed, with space for writing, and a summary few comments at the end of each. He covers topics like:

• personal life
• health issues
• the future and your view of it
• finances
• Christian growth
• values
• habits
• parents
• family
• views of marriage
• children
• expectations

I thought it was very comprehensive and helpful.

He then has a chapter to cover those who have been previously married. This is formed as a questionnaire to make one examine their previous spouse and their potential future spouse and find the similarities and differences in the relationships. I suspect this could be quite a helpful tool.

I think this is a book which could be recommended for any couple seriously contemplating marriage or already engaged. I think it could also be used in the absence of a marriage preparation course, as long as someone is available to discuss the potential issues it raises with the couple.

This is a book I will be adding to our list of recommended reading for couples who are newly engaged.

Book review: The Danger of Raising Nice Kids

Book Review: The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, Timothy Smith

I borrowed this book from a friend, after spotting it on her shelf and have just finished reading it. I enjoyed it, it's helpful in a number of ways. While nothing in it was especially new, I liked his premise - that we are so worried (especially as Christian parents) in ensuring our children are nice and well-behaved, that we stop there and do not train them also in being courageous in character. He states that "as Christian parents we are not to simply socialise our children into civil human beings; we are to train them to advance the kingdom of God".

He calls us to view parenting as discipleship - "discipleship is an intimate personal relationship designed for growth and learning through imitation, dialogue and observation".

Smith goes on in the following chapters to highlight the areas that he thinks are key to this. They include:
- authenticity
- showing empathy
- demonstrating compassion
- development discernment
- choosing contentment

For each of them he discusses how parents can show these qualities to their children and the traits you would be hoping to see as your children develop them.

The appendices were also very useful - encouraging you to consider drafting up a mission statement or statement of core values for your family. It also gave a list of things you could hope you child would have achieved by 18 - in areas such as spiritual, physical, social and emotional development. (Smith has put this online as part of a study guide to go with the book, you can see it here). Preparing something like this could really help you to judge what are your family's core values and then plan actively for how to impart them to your children.

We are considering doing a 'Yearly Parenting' review at some point and I hope to implement some of these ideas into that.

Compassion

I received my email newsletter from Compassion Australia yesterday, and was interested to find an article in it about their youth communicator, Az. In an effort to show people what living in the developing world was currently like with the food crisis and the rising cost of living, he lived for a week in Australia on $1 a day.

He produced a video for each day, starting with his attempts to buy enough food for $7 to feed himself for an entire week. Throughout the week, he then walks to get his water supply to demonstrate what many people in the world must do for water and digs a hole in the backyard for a toilet.

It is obviously designed to appeal to youth (which I really am not anymore!), but it is interesting and challenging. It was also part of an appeal to raise the awareness of Compassion in sponsoring children. We do sponsor Compassion children (one for each of our own) and have found them to be a great organisation - well worth considering if you do not do so already.

A good summary of what he did and why is on the Compassion website and all of the videos are on his website, 500dreads.com

Book Review: Captivating

Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge.

This is a copy of my review of this book in a book group I have been in, therefore it is probably a bit more outspoken than I would normally be on this blog, but it does still represent my views on this book.

***

I still really don't know what to say about this book, in some ways it has some really helpful things to say, in other ways I wanted to give up, thinking this book is offering me nothing, using language I don't feel comfortable with, appalling exegesis and some dodgy ideas.

I'll give it a try to sort out my thoughts:

1. What did you like?

One thing that was good was her initial question (p22) - instead of asking 'What should a woman do?' 'What is her role?' it is more helpful to ask 'What is a women? What is her design? Why did God place women in our midst?' This is helpful, and perhaps a question that women ask.

She was very honest, she admitted problems in her youth, including bad parental relationships, an abortion, and depression and self-esteem issues.

The appendix at the back which was a daily prayer (long one!) actually was better than most of the book.

2. What did you learn/ What challenged you?

I learnt how absolutely blessed I am to have/had a childhood and adulthood with loving parents and a loving husband, with absolutely no hint of abuse of any type from anyone. The more I hear and read, it seems that this is not as normal as I would have thought. When women suffer the way they do, it is no wonder that it affects every aspect of their lives, who they are as a woman and who they are before God. The Eldridges say that all women wonder who they are, what it is to be feminine, etc. I have to admit, I do not. I do not ask these questions of myself or my life - I do not frame existence around being a woman first. (having said that, I'm not sure what I do frame it around. Being a child of God perhaps - more likely I just don't think this deeply!)

3. What do you disagree with/dislike, etc?

So much.

I can't be bothered to go into detail on all the notes I wrote - if you have read it, you may know what I am talking about. A few selections:

- the overarching idea that every woman has three longings - to be romanced, to have an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to have a beauty to unveil. I read this thinking 'are you kidding me?'. When you read the details, as they go through the book, at times I could see their point. At least they go on to claim that it is God (and not men) who enables women to fully fulfill these roles. At least the beauty was supposed to be an inner beauty lit up by God, however, it certainly bordered on if you truly know God, you will also become physically beautiful. However, it came across that God needs to romance you as a woman - I don't think God is a needy lover!

- in the end I had to have my bible open next to it to check the verses each time, which frustrates me when I read a book and can't at least give the author the benefit of the doubt on exegesis. It seemed every time 'she' was used in the bible they took it literally, whereas often it was referring to Jerusalem or Israel, or actual lovers speaking in Song of Songs (rather than God speaking to women). They claimed Mary was invited to be the mother of Jesus, that she had to agree - that is not the way it reads in Luke, and on and on.

- the idea (again ties up in exegesis) that woman are the crown of creation. p25 - Woman is the crescendo of God's work, Eve is the crown of creation. And also that Satan especially hates Eve, because 'more than anything else in all creation, she embodies the glory of God'. And what is man, pray tell, in all of this?

- it was very present focussed. They was no sense that we are waiting for the hope of heaven, because that is when all the pain and mourning will end, and you will be the woman God has created you to be then, it was all now - you can have this now. Also, no sense of suffering in this life really.

- the statement "every woman knows she is not what she was meant to be" p58. I don't know that. And surely, post conversion, we all have some idea that we are who God made us to be, even if it is a continual transformation.

- they seem to rely on a lot of popular culture, movies, etc to make their points - surely you go to the bible for that?

I still can't figure out whether most of my issues (except the exegesis ones) are over a choice of language. I just did not relate at all to their descriptions - I wouldn't describe my great life desires as being romanced, being an adventurer and unveiling my beauty, however, when I read it all charitably, I can see what they are getting at. We do all want to think we have a purpose in this life, and want those to be met. At least they are pointing to God as the source of our meaning in life. I suspect, my reservations are much more than this though - it was a book that made me uncomfortable on many levels.

4. Who would you recommend this to?

No one. If I was going to recommend any book about women to women it would be Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes (review here) although God's Design for Women by Sharon James has also been recommended to me recently, so I will attempt that one this year too.

I still find it interesting that this book got such a positive review in Southern Cross a few months ago.

For a more thought out review than mine above, you could also see Nicole's.

Book Review: The Single Issue

Book Review: The Single Issue, Al Hsu

I read this on the recommendation of 2 single friends, who both think it is one of the better ones around on singleness. I would agree, I thought it was very good.

Some of the highlights were:

• an easy to read chapter on the history of singleness, covering OT and NT times, as well as the early church and Reformation. This was helpful in pointing out the changes in views over time, often swinging to extremes on the views on the relative importance of singleness vs. marriage.
  
• I liked the chapter on 'the myth of the gift', outlining some of the unhelpful ways the 'gift of singleness' has been explained in the past. He rejects the 'gift of singleness' as being a spiritual gift, but rather the reality of a current state. If you are single, your singleness is currently a gift, if you are married, that is your gift. There is an interesting discussion about this at God's'Will
  
• two chapters titled 'From loneliness to solitude' and 'From aloneness to community', thinking about the place solitude and community can have for all of us (single or married).
• the final chapter 'Temptations singles face'. This was a helpful reminder to me of some of the challenges faced by my single friends - to put life on hold, to be over-committed, to be unaccountable, to live a life of regret, etc. This helped me to think about how I can be more or less helpful with some of these issues.

It caused me to think about:

• How the Christian community at this present time is unhelpfully focussed on marriage and family as the 'ultimate' way of life. This is a situation that needs to be addressed probably in a number of areas: in attitude of churchgoers and ministers, illustrations from the pulpit and the ability of churches to welcome singles with open arms and with appropriate areas for to be involved in ministries and groups.
• It is a shame our lives are so categorized by 'single' vs 'married'. I know it's an obvious thing to find out about someone upon meeting them, but it is not one's defining feature. I fall into this trap myself, as when asked about who am I or what I do, it is generally defined by my life's status - "I am married with 3 children". Perhaps we need to reconsider the need for such labels, or at least acknowledge the need for some sensitivity with them?
• The reminder that Hsu gives that "Everyone is single at least once and often single again. Only the duration and the quality of singleness differ." I don't know whether that is a comforting statement for one who is single person (and would prefer not to be), but for me it is a reminder that marriage is a transient state which only exists for this life on earth, and for many, not for all of this life.
• The 'Freedom and opportunity' chapter caused me to think about how my life could have been different had I not married. I married at 23 and was hardly thought out in my decision to marry, it just seemed like the right thing for us to do (and I think it was!). However, I wonder if being single for longer would have caused me to enter marriage more cautiously, at least aware of the opportunities to serve God and freedoms in doing so I was potentially giving up. I read another book this year, Loves Me, Loves Me Not (Laura Smit), which addressed a number of similar issues, but based about the framework of a theology of unrequited love. This was another helpful book (although not as easy to read as Hsu's).

The main point that both books make is that no matter what situation we are in at the moment, we should be serving God and growing in godliness.

I have noticed that the Equip Book Club is looking at "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" this month, so I may read that one soon too.

Fiction Books

I have finished a few fiction books over the last few months, which I have really enjoyed.

The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini was very powerful. It has been very popular, so readers of this blog have probably already read it. I really enjoyed it. It is set in Afghanistan and is the story of 2 boys who are childhood friends, but classes divide them. Their friendship is changed drastically after a tragic incident in which one chooses not to help the other. It then goes on to outline the lives of the one of the boys as he grows up. I thoroughly enjoyed it, including the small insight it gave me into life in Afghanistan as the Taliban were gaining power. I really liked the ending, which I feel was muted - not a perfect ending, but one suffused with hope.


Atonement, by Ian McEwan was also very good, and in some ways had some surprising parallels with the Kite Runner: issues of class, the muted ending, and the main character being an writer.

The first part of the book covers only one day of a summer in England in the 1930s. A young girl witnesses a number of events throughout the day and by the end of the day has witnessed and committed a crime. The following two parts detail what happens to the main characters as a result. I found the writing a little too flowery for my taste, but the story was powerful. I could not have read both of these novels back to back (I tried, but gave up), they were a little too intense for that. I finished the Kite Runner first and needed time to think about it and reflect on it. 6 weeks later (and on holidays again) I read Atonement. Both are definitely worth a read.

6 things I have learnt this year

Nicole tagged me in her post, encouraging people to think about what they learned in 2008. Here are mine: 

1. I loved school (not for me, but for my son!). I loved that he loved it and thrived in its environment. I loved seeing what he was learning. I also loved the fact that he was at school (does that make me an awful mother?!). I also learnt that if he was not enjoying school so much, the year could have been so much harder. 

2. I began to realise what people mean when they say the school years are more emotional (on the mother!) than physical (compared to the baby and toddler years). I found my son's issues making friends and learning to play in the playground (not major problems mind you) quite stressful, I wanted to help him but couldn't and wanted to 'deal with' the mean children. 

3. I learnt that setting a pattern for regular bible reading and prayer is the only way for me, even if the pattern changes regularly. Part of this was having a supportive husband who enabled me to have time in the evenings or whenever it was needed, and us being proactive in doing so. 

 

4. I learnt that regular exercise is so beneficial for me that I wonder how I keep getting out of the habit of doing it. It makes everything better as far as I am concerned - it gets me out of the house, gives me brain space and quiet time, I enjoy the area in which we live (swimming or riding along the river), gives me energy, and makes me sleep much better. 

5. I learnt (again) how much I love reading, and want to find more time to do so. (There will be lots of book reviews coming up here in the next few weeks). 

6. I learnt (perhaps more was reminded) how grateful I am to have a happy marriage and a wonderful supportive husband. We see marriages around us struggle in various ways, and we are reminded that we must continue to work on our marriage as a priority. I am constantly grateful to God for Husband.

School holidays

School holidays are upon us and I think I will remove myself from the blogosphere for a while.

I only have one child at school, so in some ways, it shouldn't make that much of a difference - but I find that it really does. None of our usual activities to fill the week are on, and the family dynamics all change having all three at home all the time.

I find the school holidays a challenge personally. I need to mentally plan to get through the holidays well. I want to give my children the time and energy they deserve and need, and not feel torn towards other activities (like the computer!).

I am hoping to read more over the holidays too, so will return with more book reviews in time.

So, off I go...

Hope you all have a wonderful Christ-filled Christmas and a fun start to the New Year.

Santa - yes or no?

As it is coming up to Christmas, some issues that we conveniently ignore at other times of the year rear their head again. And, for us, this year it is Santa. We decided when we had our first child 5 years ago that Santa would not be part of our Christmas celebrations. 

Our reasoning was mainly that:

• We felt it was lying, pure and simple. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but that was our conclusion. We instill the idea in our children that they must always tell the truth, so we must do the same.
• We didn't like the idea itself - that there is an all-present, all-knowing being (other than God), who judges you purely on your merit, and if you are good you are rewarded with presents. It runs against the entire message of God's grace in the gospel.
• And practically (and somewhat selfishly!) - why should this pretend person get all the credit for knowing exactly what you wanted for Christmas and getting it for you? No-one loves you more on earth than your parents, who long to give you good gifts.

So, for the last five years, we have managed to avoid most references to him and ignore him in the shops. And, when we told our extended family of the decision not to have Santa, they were supportive, even if they may not have agreed. (As an aside, both Husband and I were raised with having Santa at Christmas, and yes, we enjoyed it). However, this is the first year we have a child at school and it is no longer avoidable. Santa is everywhere and the subject of the song for the class Christmas concert. 

 So, for the first time, we are having questions or comments from our 5 year old about Santa: 

1. "Santa lives in the North Pole doesn't he?' 

2. 'Santa comes at Christmas time and brings lots of presents", etc. 

I wondered at first about how to answer, but decided to go the honest and open path, and so said: 

1. Well, no. Santa isn't real, he's pretend, so he doesn't really live in the North Pole. But in the pretend story about him he does. (and then went on to explain how Thomas the Tank Engine is not real, even though in the story he lives on the Island of Sodor; and how the Wiggles don't really live in Wiggles World, but with their families). 

2. No, Santa doesn't bring you presents, Mummy and Daddy (and other family members) buy you presents so that we can all celebrate Jesus' birthday together. 

 

And for those of you who think we are little too harsh, can I add that: 

1. We love Christmas in our family - we have a fun advent calendar, we put up the tree together, all of us have special stockings that I have made, we cook lots of yummy food, we celebrate with family and friends and generally have a great time. I don't think anyone is 'missing out' here without Santa. 

2. We try to help them to realise that some other people like to pretend that Santa is real and we don't want to spoil it for them. 

3. I know a lot of Christians who do choose to have Santa in their homes and that is fine with me. As long as Jesus is the at centre, everything else is peripherial anyway!

Motherhood

Well, it's taken some time to finally getting around to reading the articles that I had put aside from the October Briefing, mainly on Motherhood.

I found the article from Lesley Ramsay helpful at a number of points. She stated that 'in God's eyes, what you do as a parent matters more than any other job you will ever have'. This is a good reminder that what I do as a mother counts and is important. I found her explanation of how 'not to love your children' extremely helpful. She said that we are not to idolise our children, make them the centre of our lives or make our goals for them the same as that of the worlds: 'They may say, "'You don't love us!" but we should reply, "I do love you. I just love Jesus more. And so should you." ' (I have the eBriefing so if you want a copy, ask me, copyright lets me send it on with some restrictions.)

Nicole had highlighted in her post that there were additional articles available online. I downloaded the ones from JC Ryle on the Duties of Parents (2 parts). It was obviously written some time ago, as the language was more formal than we usually read. However, it was great. Insightful, forceful and biblical. It's long, so you need to be ready to sit down with it for a while. He starts looking at Prov 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it), and then goes on to outline 17 (!) things we should be training our children in. I especially liked the ones on training them to a knowledge of the bible and training them to a habit of prayer. You may not agree with everything he says, especially perhaps in the later points, but I found it a timely reminder nonetheless to continue to think about how we train our children in the Lord.

Both of these articles emphasised the importance of the home as the place of training, and the role of mothers (mainly) in this role. As a stay-at-home mum, I was reminded that just because I do not work outside the home, I cannot assume my kids get more time from me - if I choose to fill it with washing, cooking, cleaning, blogging (!), rather than with them.

There was an interesting article in The Australian paper today "The momification of the US first lady", which reports that Michelle Obama has decided "to the chagrin of Democratic feminists" to be a mom-in-chief and give up her job. The mood from feminists seems to be that because she can be in a high-paying job and she has degrees from Princeton and Harvard she should be using them. Columnist Ruth Marcus is reported as complaining "when the needs of our families collide with the demands of our jobs, it is usually the woman's career that yields".

To which I want to reply 'of course' and 'so what?'. How is the 'feminist agenda' come to this where they think (for example) that a family with two young children who are about to be the most public in the world do not need their mother looking after them, and it is entirely appropriate that she should be the one doing so (seeing her husband was elected, following a path they decided on, to a rather busy job).

I do find the constant belittling of women who choose to stay home tiring. And it is a choice - I feel privileged to have the choice - not all women do. My husband has to work, but I have the choice. And (most days!) I am very happy with my choice.

****

By the way, the article on Children of Divorce (Generation Ex) by Karen Beilharz was excellent. I thought her suggestions on how to reach out as friends and churches to children of divorce very helpful and her general comments were very insightful to someone who has had no personal experience in this.

Advent Calendar

Finished the planned advent calendar, just in time!!

I did decide to re-create something different to last year, which I discussed previously.

Thinking about how to make the one I use more fun for the kids, with things to open, etc, I decided on a box creation. A store in Central Markets has all these cute little noodle shaped boxes, and in lots of colours, so it was easy to set up. I just stuck a number on each.


The more important thing was deciding what to actually do with the calendar. In the end, I made up my own, using the one by Kent and Barbara Hughes, in Disciplines of a Godly Family, as a base.

I have changed a number of the readings, questions and prayers, but the general format stayed the same.

So, I have now created a booklet with all 25 days in it, each containing bible verses (NIrV), a special verse, questions, a prayer and an idea of what to draw in a picture. We will draw a picture each day, and put it up on the wall near the boxes.

I felt there was a challenge to make it appealing to 2 levels of children, one who is reading well  (5) and another who has not even started yet (age 3).

In the end, I selected a 'special verse' as the Hughes did for each day for Mr 5, and then summarised it into a phrase or short sentence for Miss 3.

A print out of each is in the box, as well as a treat of some kind (balloons, bubbles, and a whole lot of Christian knick-knack things from Koorong - stickers, bouncy balls, erasers, etc)

I have had fun doing it, and since I really only started on Saturday, it has not taken long at all.

In theory, I am happy to share the booklet with others, however, I am concerned about breaching some sort of copyright with regard to the Hughes' calendar. I have acknowledged them as the main source on it, but I want to be careful.

I am looking forward to doing this with the kids, especially as we are getting more and more Santa-drivel from school!

*****

They looked cute stacked too, until they all fell down!

Lucky, blessed or just thankful?

I had an unfortunate accident last week, which resulted in our large steel toolbox falling on me in the laundry. It hit my head and arm, resulting in some impressive bruising (which the photo does not really do credit to!) and quite a bit of pain.

However, when I thought about it later I realised it could have been much worse. My baby daughter had been in the room only minutes before; I was looking down (not up) so it hit me on the skull rather than the face; it hit me with a flat part, rather than a corner (which, I suspect, could have caused quite severe damage); and if it landed any other way, it could have broken my foot, nose, wrist, etc.

So, when I later explained what had happened to people, I was forced to look at the language I use. It's easy just to say "I was lucky", but I don't like saying that, as it implies that's all it was. I feel unnatural saying "it was a blessing", and really, being hit in the head by a steel toolbox is not a blessing!

In the end, I realised I was thankful. Thankful it had not been worse and that all was fine, and it was a timely reminder to look at how we store some things. Of course, I mean thankful to God, who controls all these events, large and small.


As an aside, I was amazed how few people commented on the bruises except close Christian friends, quite a few who joked something along the lines of "has Husband been at you again?". It did make me think how unprepared we are to confront potential signs of domestic abuse. I wonder if I would ask a friend or an acquaintance what had happened if she sported similar marks, and in a way to allow her to speak whatever the truth was (although, I suspect victims of domestic abuse don't show their scars quite so openly and happily as I did). These are much more sobering thoughts.

Advent calendars/Jesse tree

Do any of you do one of these - I mean a distinctly Christian version, not something where the kids get a chocolate each day and nothing else!

For the last two years, I have done a version of Kent & Barbara Hughes' in Disciplines of a Godly Family. Overall it has been good, but has been a bit advanced for the stage my children are at. Having said that, A could probably follow most of it this year and read along with the readings, but I have been thinking about re-writing it a bit, or finding another version. I found one at http://www.cresourcei.org/jesse.html which I still have to look into in some depth.

I am wondering whether anyone else out there has one or does one that they like? It's only a week until it is supposed to start and so time is running out!

I suspect as a backup I will go with the Hughes' version again, and take detailed notes as to ideas or changes as we do it, with the hope of actually thinking about in in January, rather than next November, again!

Nicole commented that she would like to see what I do for the actual tree, so I have now attached some photos. I made a very simple one two years ago - 2 large white pieces of cardboard stuck together, a tree drawn on it and then ribbons fed through it via punched out holes. The ribbons hold up the numbers/bible verses which are printed on the computer on business cards. An opened paperclip attaches them to the ribbons. Hopefully this is clear when you look at the photos (mocked up for tonight, so yes I know most of the numbers are missing!). I fix it to the wall and it's done.



This is a simple option, which appealed to me as I don't mind if the children play with it and wreck it - it's easily fixed and all the verses etc are on the computer and easily reprinted. As they all get older I may make a nicer one, but I want to keep the appeal for my son, so I don't want it looking too 'girly'.

For each of the days, there is an extended reading as well as a verse for the day, the verse is what is printed on each of the cards. There is also a suggestion as to what you can make for a craft. We have just drawn a picture each day and pinned them up in a big line around the wall, near the tree itself.

For the first year, we are really competing with Santa (thanks to Mr 5 now being at school), so a friend suggested we make this as appealing as possible - perhaps I will figure out a way to attach little parcels as well, or make a pocket type as others have done. However they have really enjoyed it for the last two years.

Book Review: Leading Your Child to Jesus

Leading Your Child to Jesus, David Staal

This is a really helpful book. It helps you to think about how speak to your children about matters of faith, your own faith and conversion, God's plan of salvation, and how to help children pray to God to accept him as their Saviour and Lord.

It is short (122 pg) and only has 6 chapters, all of which are very readable. It is full of stories and anecdotes, as well as a biblical foundation and helpful suggestions and information.

Staal is the director of the Children's Programs at Willow Creek. He starts off by making clear that children can enter into a saving relationship with Jesus (something many would personally testify to) and that as as parents we need to commit to becoming comfortable at speaking simple, personal faith explanations. The rest of the book goes on to give help on how to do this.

Some of the things I found helpful:

1. It was eminently practical. In Ch 2: Share Your Story, he makes the point that our personal stories of conversion are likely to resonate with our children more than any other. Therefore, we need to be prepared to share them at any time. He then leads you through thinking about your own conversion: what you were like beforehand, what happened to you when you were converted and how your life has changed since then. He helps you to think about how to make it age-appropriate to children, and finally to trim your story down to four sentences. I now feel I could explain my conversion at age 17 to my 5-year old in a way he would understand.
   
2. As the previous point suggested, throughout the book, he has exercises to do to practice yourself. I normally never do theses types of exercises in Christian books, they often seem a bit contrived to me. However, I did most of them in this book. And I found a number of them very helpful: such as thinking about what each of your children currently understands about God and Jesus, or how I would explain in a few sentences the key points of the gospel.
3. It encourages the need for a response from a child to the gospel, in prayer. He gives us (parents) the tools to help our children through this in a simple yet effective way, which he terms the ABC prayer: A (admit sins and ask for forgiveness), B (believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins) and C (choose to follow Jesus the rest of your life). This section also had some helpful guidelines for judging whether your children are really ready to pray such a prayer.
4. The reminder that children believe what they are told, especially by their parents, so these early years (0-5) give a great opportunity to lay a spiritual foundation. He had a number of tips on how to make the things of God a part of everyday life.
   
5. His final chapter acknowledged that some parents reading the book may themselves 'not have a story', that is they themselves have not made a profession of faith, and then addresses the need to look into the things of God themselves and make a decision. I thought this was a really helpful issue to address, rather than assuming that all readers have committed their lives to Christ.

He had a few suggestions towards the end about how to reach young children with the gospel, which were all helpful - talking to them about God, talking about 'God made the animals', etc. We have done this with our children, and it becomes second nature after a while. Some other things we have done to make an obvious God part of our lives are:

• pray with them even as babies as we carried them to bed, it has set up an expected pattern into childhood that we always pray at the end of the day
• say grace with them as soon as they are starting solids, our 15 month old puts her hands together now as soon as she gets in her highchair
• pray for ambulances, fire engines and police cars when they have their sirens on. It always seemed a bit macabre to me to get kids excited about sirens when they actually signify a crisis. We always now pray as we drive when we hear an ambulance.
• we have made up little photo books called "God loves me" and "God made me", for our children, godchildren and nieces/nephews. The "God loves me" has photos of all family members on consecutive pages, with the writing on the opposite page, "God loves me", "God loves Mummy & Daddy", "God loves Nanna & Grandad", etc. As we live interstate from all family, it has been a wonderful way of teaching the family names to them, but more so, teaching them that God loves everyone. The book ends with "God loves everyone" and John 3:16 printed out. The "God made me" one, has the immediate family and then "God made trees/dogs/birds/flowers, etc", the things that children see regularly. At the end that one has "God made everything" and "God has made me His"
  

What other things do you do to teach your children about God and Jesus daily?

One question this book raised for me is that he talks more about Jesus, whereas I tend to talk more about God. eg. I say to my children more that "God loves you" rather than "Jesus loves you" - is this a cultural thing do you think or is more going on here? Have you ever thought about this?

Anyway, this is a helpful, easy to read and very practical book - and about a topic very close to many of our hearts.