Minister's Wives

We have a little tradition here at our church - the 'Preacher's Wives' (as we call ourselves) go away together each year. It's an event we all look forward to. We leave our husbands and children for 2 nights and go away, usually to a beach house, for a time of encouragement and refreshment.

It's only one of the ways we support each another, as we also meet fortnightly throughout the year to pray together. When I arrived here, this group of women had been meeting together for years, as well as going away together annually. It was a wonderful group to arrive into. Here were women also married to men in ministry, all seeking to live godly lives and all keen to encourage one another through joyous and sad times.

Five years later, this group has become one of my main support networks. I look forward to our fortnightly times of prayer, and I really look forward to our times away. Not only because for me they really are a break, a time with adults only at the beach for 3 days - but because these women are a constant encouragement to me.

We are a diverse bunch - we currently number 11 women and we are spread over 8 congregations at 3 centres. We age from under 30 to nearing 50, we have children ranging from 'in utero' to university age. We serve in different ways: some teach publicly, some lead bible studies, some lead singing or play music, some encourage other women and meet with them privately, some have wonderful hospitality. We look after our households in different ways: some work, others do not; some love to cook, others prefer take-away; some love craft, others can't stand it. But all of us love our husbands, love our ministries and are united by the gospel.

This year, we watched the DVDs of the Equip Ministry Wives Conference from 2008. There were 2 talks from Phillip Jensen on 'Being a wife' and 'Being a ministry wife', and a talk from Carmelina Read on 'How to discourage your husband in ministry' (later turned into a Briefing Article, which can be read here).

We watched each talk as a group and then talked about each in depth. And here I share some of the points I liked/learnt:

Talk 1 - Being a wife

- He centred his talk around Prov 12:4 "a wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones"

- The idea that we are made for our husbands by God, and that there is nothing more glorious than a man (on this earth) than his wife - she is the crowning pleasure of his existence. Which is a privilege!

- Most men do not need many friends, a good wife is all they need. This helped me to think through how G views me. He doesn't have many other close friends (although there are some), but primarily he wants to spend his time with me. Which I love and which I do not have to worry about - I am enough for him.

- He finished with a comment, that many minister's wives know and probably fear - "all minister's wives halve or double their husband's ministries". What I felt when I looked around at our little group was encouraged - all of these women enhance their husband's ministries - all in different ways - but they do all enhance them.


Talk 2 - Being a ministry wife

He had an interesting section on work vs. career vs. calling, with the following definitions:
- work - the job you do to get paid, so that you may live
- career - finding your satisfaction in your work, seeking your own development, which can be very self-focused
- calling - the thing you would do even if you were not paid to do it (this can include sportsmen (ie you would play golf even if no one paid you), artists, authors, musicians - money or advancement is not the motivation, but rather the joy of what you do.
- He made the point that those have jobs are often happy, those who have a calling are often very happy, and those who follow careers are often unhappy. It was an interesting point, which I think does contain some truth. If you look for your self worth from your job, no job is likely to ever be good enough for very long, however I wonder if the lines here are a bit too clearly drawn.

However, following from that, he asked - what then is your calling? He suggested that as a minister's wife we have two callings:
1. to be a wife (because we are married)
2. to be in ministry (because we are Christian) - I wonder then whether this definition of 2 callings may therefore apply to all Christian wives, not specifically minister's wives?

Another helpful point was that we are wives before we are minister's wives. We married a man, not a minister. If he was not a minister, we would still be his wife. Therefore, if you are a minister's wife, how do you describe yourself? "The Minister's wife" or "His name's wife"? I must say I don't tend to describe myself as the minister's wife, but I find it is helpful for people to understand how I fit into the picture at church pretty quickly, more to save them saying something they might regret, or making them feel embarrassed!

Then he had a few points about being the Minister's Helper. Here are some of them:

1. Do not complain about being in Christian ministry - for our lives are much easier. Our work is our church and our workplace is our home. We are not divided between his work, her work, home and church - other live in 2 or more worlds, we live in 1. And I know this to be true, I watch my friends, who struggle with his job taking long hours, her trying to run the home, and perhaps another job, and them also trying to be committed their church in their small amounts of available time - and I know that my life is easier.

2. Remember that we have more ability to exercise our gifts in ministry than almost any other woman in the congregation. It is a privileged position.

3. Related to that, is that we need to be thankful for the privilege of the position we hold. Our husbands are paid to read the bible, pray with others and preach the word. We are taken care of by others, and we must be teaching contentment to our children.

4. We need to work at being dignified. (1 Tim 3:11) - we must aim to be constant, reliable, honest, not slanderers and sober-minded. A high calling, but one that all Christians should be aiming for.

5. He also had some helpful guidelines for giving sermon feedback. As we discussed this amongst us, we realised again how different our husbands are and how they respond to feedback differently.

As you can probably tell from the amount of my notes, I really enjoyed this talk and it gave me lots to think about.

Talk 3 - How to discourage your husband in ministry

This humorous talk by Carmelina Read brilliantly captured some of the many things we all do as wives which discourage rather than encourage our husbands. I linked to the Briefing article above, and suggest you read it directly, although I actually think the talk was better. Obviously the things she was talking about especially near the end were deadly serious, and she dealt with them very well and sensitively.

***

Of course that is not all we did - we went for walks on the beach, ate lovely food, watched DVDs, quilted, made cards, chatted, shared, and avoided the mice that were sharing the house with us. And we even had facials on the way down there!


All in all, a time of great encouragement together. If you are a minister's wife and do not have such a support network - can I encourage you to find one? It is a great blessing to us all.

A Chameleon, a Boy and a Quest

A Chameleon, a Boy and a Quest, J. A. Myhre

Both Mr 12 and I enjoyed this one and I suspect Ms 8 & 10 will too.  Written by a long-term medical missionary to Africa for her children, it is about Mu, a 10-year old orphaned African boy.  Going about his usual day doing the women’s work of getting water for his family, Mu is stopped by a chameleon speaking to him.  Going by the name Tita (the word for father or uncle), the chameleon tells Mu he is about to go on a quest.   By the end of the day, Mu has left his home and headed across the country.  He does not understand where he is going or why, and as they go Tita explains there is evil in the land with some people and animals serving Abbadon, the destroyer.   Mu has to learn who he can trust and whether his own character is up to the challenge.

There are subtle gospel themes throughout dealing with truth, good and evil, love, grace, sacrifice and mercy.  The story grabs your attention and interest even with only a surface reading, but the additional themes give even more depth to think and talk about.   Myhre’s writing is descriptive and evocative.  There were elements that reminded me of Patricia St John: 

Right now the cool sharpness of the morning, the loneliness of the path, and the absence of the inevitable weight all filled him with a sense of something, a premonition close to joy but tinged with a darker hue, perhaps danger. He felt the slant of the morning sunlight through the palm fronds as a deep ache of the heart, a longing for something he couldn’t begin to name.

It seems this is the beginning of a series and we look forward to future volumes.   Yet another good publication from New Growth Press, released only last week.

Two Wolves

Two Wolves, Tristan Bancks

This youth fiction is quite different to others I have come across.  I’m glad I read it to Mr 12 as it raises some interesting questions: most notably, what do you do when your parents have done something wrong?

Twelve-year-old Ben Silver’s parents rush back to their Sydney home one day, announce a snap-decision holiday and bundle him and his little sister Olive into the car.   Hours are spent driving, a police car is evaded and eventually they come to an old deserted cabin of his grandfather’s.  As Ben starts to think about what has happened it becomes clear to him that his parents are on the run.

The story took a few twists and turns I wasn’t expecting.   Ben & his sister have to survive on their own in the bush for a while and in the end both of his parents have to choose which path to take.  The title of the book is taken from a tale:

An old man tells his grandson that there is a battle raging inside him, inside all of us. A terrible battle between two wolves. One wolf is bad – pride, jealousy, greed. The other wolf is good – kindness, hope, truth. The child asks, ‘Who will win?' The grandfather answers simply, ‘The one you feed.' (on the back cover)

It is a good book to read and talk about character with your kids.  

A Severe Mercy

A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken

A friend put this book in my hands assuring me I would like it & she was right.  I quickly was caught up in the story of Sheldon & his wife Jean (Davy).   The two met in their college years in Virginia and instantly connected.  A deep, all-consuming love for each other developed, and a decision to so commit to their love that they must share everything – all thoughts, emotions, books read and experiences.  They even decide not have children because it could come between their love.  It’s a somewhat alarming opening chapter, but necessary to explain all that follows later.

When the opportunity to study at Oxford arises, they excitedly move across the Atlantic.  In their early days they make a number of close friendships, all with people who happen to be Christians.   Their exposure to intelligent, well-read men & women who take their faith seriously caused both to decide to investigate Christianity properly.  They started by reading a number of works by C.S. Lewis and decide to write to him, which begins a long friendship and many years of letter-writing.  As a number of Lewis’ letters are included in full, it also gives a clearer picture of him as a letter-writer than the biography C. S. Lewis: A Life did.

Over time Davey and then Sheldon come to faith.  

it was the rather chilling realisation that I could not go back.  In my old easy-going theism, I had regarded Christianity as a sort of fairy tale; and I had neither accepted nor rejected Jesus, since I had never, in fact, encountered him.  Now I had.  The position was not, as I had been comfortably thinking all these months, merely a question of whether I was to accept the Messiah or not.  It was a question of whether I was to accept him – or reject…   This was not to be borne.  I could not reject Jesus.  There was only one thing to do, once I had seen the gap behind me.  I turned away from it and flung myself over the gap towards Jesus.  (p98-99)

 

At first I had, as Davy had had, an astonishing assurance and certainty about my choice, despite the doubts that had harried me so long.  I believe that a new Christian is given a special grace – joy and assurance – in the beginning, however feeble the choosing.  Until the new-born Christian has learned to stand and walk a little.  (p103) 

In the following years they continue to think through what it means to be a Christian and how that affects their previous plan of total-commitment to each other.   Davey then becomes chronically ill and Sheldon nurses her to her death (in her thirties).    This is not a spoiler – the back of the book says as much.

There is much in this book to recommend it – it is a genuine deep and true love story, it is the story of real conversion and the change that it brings, it is the realisation that death might not be the worse thing that could happen between two lovers, it is a moving insight into grief, and it is beautifully written.  Vanauken has sprinkled it liberally with his own poetry and the letters between him and Lewis.   As a result of reading it, I have turned back to some of Lewis’s writing, which has also been very encouraging.

The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold

I remember reading this book about 10 years ago and it stayed with me for a long time.  I came across it again recently.

I have been reminded how powerful it is.  It starts with the brutal murder of 14-year old Susie Salmon, which thankfully is not dwelt on.  As her parents, siblings and friends all face the awful truth in various ways, we see each of them in their raw grief and later methods of coping.  At the same time, Susie is watching over them all as well as her killer, from her heaven.  As time marches inevitably on, Susie comes to realise that the world as she knew it is changing, and her loved ones will all keep living their lives, never forgetting her, but able to move forwards.  

You can see why it was a success.  It raises questions many people have about heaven, how the dead view the living, and whether we can speak to the dead.  It presents an idea of heaven that many people want to believe in – that heaven is what you make it, it has the people and things you want in it, and parts of it overlap with other people’s heavens.

It’s the type of book you can read in one long sitting, glued to what happens.  It makes you think about justice, death, and life after death.  It makes you ponder real grief and how families ever manage to get through such events.

I imagine it could be a great book for a book group, when you want to talk about things that really matter.

Knowing God

Knowing God, J.I. Packer

I have spent the last few months embedded in this treasure.  While all the reading I have done on marriage and parenting this year has been valuable, I decided I needed to return to the basics and read more about God.

It has been time very well spent.  I have never read this classic before and am so glad I have now done so. 

Packer has structured his book in three parts.  The first – Know the Lord – talks about what it meant to know God, the difference between knowing about God and actually knowing Him, and how he has made himself known in Christ the Son.

Part 2 – Behold your God – draws our vision upwards to the characteristics of God – His majesty, unchangeability, wisdom, truth, love, grace, justness, wrath, goodness and jealousy.

Part 3 – If God Be For Us – brings all these truths together and shows us what it means for our relationship with Him.  How propitiation is the heart of the gospel.   How sonship & adoption is the highest privilege the gospel can offer.   How God guides us.  How we live in times of trial.  And how God is fully adequate for all we need.

It is full of wisdom and insight and I have been greatly encouraged. The five pages of notes written as I read it will stay on my desk for a while as I try to keep remembering and focussing on the things I have learnt and been reminded of.  Suffice it to say, if you have not read Knowing God, or it’s been a while, I highly recommend it.  

God Made All of Me

A new resource is being released today by New Growth Press. I have been privileged to see an advance copy and am excited to share it with you. Sometimes reviewing books brings sadness and grief at the state of the world, and that sin requires certain books to be written. At the same time, I’m very glad God Made All of Me has been written, so that parents and carers have an excellent resource to teach their children about body safety and the appropriate and inappropriate touch of others.

It is written by Justin A. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb, authors of books such as Rid of My Disgrace and Is it My Fault? which deal with different aspects of abuse for adults.

God Made All of Me is aimed at children aged 2-8, although you could definitely read it to older children, especially if you struggle to talk about these issues in conversation. It is clear and simple, told in a family setting (Mum, Dad, daughter Kayla and son David). It deals with the differences in types of touch and explains to kids that if they don’t like it, don’t want it, or it makes them feel weird, they can say no. They talk about how this even applies to family members, with the implication being if you don’t want an elderly relative to kiss and cuddle you, you don’t have to. Some families will possibly need to talk about this further, depending on various relative’s expectations.

It also draws a clear distinction between secrets and surprises and helps adults think about the language they use. One thing I really liked was the encouragement for kids to keep trying to tell someone if they need to, even if people seem busy (with a picture of Dad reading the paper and Mum having coffee at her laptop!). Then there is the chance to talk with your child about who their ‘safe & strong’ people are – people who they can talk to if they need to – this is a great practical idea and it’s helpful to hear who your kids think are their safe people.

I have only ever seen one other book that talks about these issues, which was very good and was published by Family Planning Queensland.   The clear advantage of God Made All of Me, is that it is in a strongly Christian framework talking about how God made all of our bodies.

My note of warning about that book also stays the same for this one: if you have it in your house, do not leave it around for children to read on their own. The front page has sexual assault statistics, and at the end there are notes for parents “9 ways to protect your children from sexual assault”, which could be just too much information, especially for young children. This is definitely a book to read with your children and talk about with them, not just hand to them.

For more details, see the website www.godmadeallofme.com.  It's definitely a book worth getting.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich

Thanks to Tamie’s recommendation after my Siblings Without Rivalry review, I got my hand on this one by the same authors. Again, it is very helpful.

It was also originally published ~30 years ago, but the suggestions and ideas in it are still relevant today. They do not seem to have updated the original book, but have added extra sections of comments and answers to questions at the back in newer editions.

The main things they deal with are:

• Helping children to identify and acknowledge their feelings, and as parents, enabling them to do so. The more I have tried this, the more challenging I have realised it is.
• Tips on engaging children to co-operate with the things they are required or expected to do, in ways they are likely to respond and take responsibility
• Alternatives to punishment – their theory is much of the time punishment is a distraction and is not dealing with the actual issue, rather problem solving is the answer. In essence, this is identifying what the real issue is and then teaching your kids how to solve it. There were helpful practical ideas here, some of which I have already put into practice in our home.  Of course this cannot extend to every scenario, sometimes discipline is necessary, but it is helpful in making you think more about what you are doing in this area and why.
• Encouraging autonomy – finding ways to help your children make decisions and take responsibility for themselves
• Ways to praise effectively and accurately
• Avoiding assigning roles (this was covered much more extensively in Siblings Without Rivalry)

This is another very helpful, very practical book. It seems to have application for almost all ages of children – from toddlers right through to teenagers.

Husband read it too - his succinct summary was:  ask, listen and don't lecture.   A simple take home message.

The City of Ember

I read this one to Mr 12 and we both loved it.   It was interesting, exciting and based on a great premise.

Lina and Doon, both 12 year olds, live in Ember.  Ember is lit only by lights, all powered by a great river turning a massive generator.  Over 200 years ago, the people of Ember began living in this place that The Builders created.  No-one knows any other life, yet the electricity is failing, the storerooms that once were bountiful are running low and regular blackouts leave the city completely dark.

While the residents around them remain wary and ignorant of a way forward, Lina & Doon believe there must be a solution to the increasing problems.  It becomes clear to them that there must be a way out of Ember, even though darkness is in every direction.  It’s exciting and we were very keen to see how it ended.

We then went on to individually read the other three DuPrau has written in the series.  Short summary – The City of Ember is the best. 

The second, The People of Sparks, continues the story once the people of Ember have found a solution to their problem.  It’s a good picture of a post-apocalyptic world, where everyone has had to return to completely basic living after the fall of civilisation.

The third The Prophet of Yonwood was much more disappointing.  It is in some sense a prequel, set ~50 years before the City of Ember is built.  But rather than continuing with that storyline as it’s main focus, it becomes an analysis of wrong religious interpretation and how fervour for the truth can be misapplied dangerously.  Both of us found it a bit tiresome.

The fourth, The Diamond of Darkhold, returns to the original story line following Lina & Doon almost a year later in the city of Sparks, and what happens when they decide they need to return to the City of Ember.

So, I highly recommend The City of Ember, and it works well as a standalone book.  If you really like it, push on to books 2 & 4 but I personally wouldn’t bother with Book 3.

Stephanie Thornton

I have recently read 3 historical fiction novels all by Stephanie Thornton.  She has chosen to write about women that played a major role in history, but of whom we know little about today.

The first was Daughter of the Gods and is set around the life of Hatshepsut, daughter of Pharaoh Tutmose I in Egypt in the 1400s BC. It charts her whole life: her loves, losses, and the power battles that raged to lead the people of Egypt. I really enjoyed it, and while Thornton acknowledges there are some liberties taken as it is fiction, most of the characters and events depicted occurred. It was an eye-opening view into the life, customs and beliefs of Ancient Egypt.

The second was The Tiger Queens, set in the region of current Mongolia and it charts the lives of the women connected to Genghis Khan. It starts with his promised wife, Borte, and moves to his daughter Alaqai and then onto other women in the family. I have never read anything about this time or region and really enjoyed the insight it gave me into a very different era. Again, I appreciated Thornton’s explanation at the end about which aspects were historical and which parts were more fictional.

The third was The Secret History, set in 6th century Constantinople in the   Byzantine Empire. It charts the promiscuous youth of Theodora (often the only way for poor women to survive) to her eventually marrying the nephew of the Emperor and becoming Empress is her own right. In the end, after dreadful beginnings, she does become a woman to admire, even if somewhat grudgingly. She was able to play power games with the best and ended up a both a powerful asset to and true love of her husband.

As all three books are well researched and detailed, it definitely pays to have pen & paper handy to keep track of the characters. Many names are unfamiliar to modern ears and the details quickly become murky if you aren’t keeping track. These books would have greatly benefitted from a list of characters (and also gods and spirits) to refer to when needed. (I found after reading there was one hidden towards the end of The Tiger Queens, but I didn’t find it when I went looking!). She weaves in and out with details and often refers back to previous details. Keeping track makes the whole book easier to follow and reduces much potential confusion!

She has another book due for release in December, The Conqueror’s Wife, telling the story of the women around Alexander the Great.  I am looking forward to it already.

If you like historical fiction, especially about times and parts of the world where you might have less knowledge, these are an enjoyable read. They will also serve a double purpose, if you are a woman, chances are you will end up very thankful you live in this day and age!

The Shell Seekers

I first read this book as an older teenager after my mum raved about it. I've had fond memories of it ever since and pick it up every 5 years or so for another read.

Penelope Keeling, in her mid-sixties, has just had a minor heart attack. She has returned home of her own accord to the consternation of her children: Nancy (the eldest, responsible and over-bearing); Noel (flighty, spendthrift & selfish) and Olivia (Penelope’s favourite).

Penelope’s father was Lawrence Stern, a painter whose work has slowly gained in value over the years. She has a number of his works and her children would quite like to get their hands on them, or at least the money they would earn.

With various flashbacks we learn of the entirety of Penelope’s life, concentrating on her early twenties during WWII. It’s a lovely story, with a good variety of characters thrown in. We are clearly not meant to like two of her children, yet other young people grace Penelope’s life who she comes to have great affection for.

It’s interesting to read again now because as a young woman, I loved the character Olivia, she was strong, successful & independent. Now I think she is a little sad – career driven and refusing to open her life up to almost anyone. Our perceptions do change over time!

This has been one of Pilcher’s most loved & acclaimed novels. I tried other books of hers over the years, but felt nothing else ever matched it for scope, interest or storyline.

A lovely, long book about families and friendships, with all their highs and lows.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

This book has been doing the rounds for a while now, having been originally published in 1999. However a revised edition has been released this year. Having read both within 2 months of each other, not much has been changed and the good concepts and ideas of the first book are still the same in the revised edition. I have found it to be incredibly helpful, wise and insightful.

Gottman has been researching relationships for 40 odd years and he is known as one of the world’s leading relationship experts, you will often find his work cited by other authors on marriage.

He starts dealing with some marriage myths (pretty much debunking the whole ‘active listening technique’ in the process). He outlines the research he has done and how it points to key problems in marriages. He outlines what makes marriage work (essentially mutual admiration, respect and friendship) and then his key indicators of future divorce, which are almost entirely related to how a couple communicate.

From these he has developed 7 principles that make marriages work, in essence:

1. Knowing and being involved in the details of each others lives
2. Having fondness and admiration for one another
3. Choosing to turning towards each other rather than away from each other
4. Allowing your partner to influence you
5. Being committed to solving solvable problems
6. Overcoming the gridlock of perpetual problems
7. Create shared meaning for life together

Each of these has detailed explanations, examples of marriages doing it well and poorly, and then extensive exercises for a couple to do together. In essence he has written a ‘do-it-yourself’ marriage course for any couple willing to put in the time and effort.

His detailed comments & observations on communication are very helpful. He points out the risk of starting conversations harshly, rather than gently; 4 danger areas he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling); how to manage flooding (emotional overload); and he makes a distinction between problems that you can solve and problems that you have to live with and manage.

It is a secular book so for Christian content you need to go elsewhere, yet his framework is clearly pro-marriage and pro-working at it to make it better. Time after time I found myself writing out quotes from it to remember.

Here are some:

The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honour, and respect each other and their marriage – the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after (p5)

...happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out. (p21) 

The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more profound and fulfilling your lives together will be. (p284)

people with the highest expectations for their marriages usually end up with the highest quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide. (p262)

Not surprisingly, a fair amount of his ideas have made it into our new marriage course.

***
Having re-read this in 2020, I still believe this is one of the best practical books on marriage, with the research to back it up. Gottman provides couples with excellent wisdom and advice, even if the exercises might feel forced for some. Highly recommended for all couples wanting to improve and strengthen their marriage, no matter how strong or weak it currently is. 

Useful

Useful, Debra Oswald

This modern Australian fiction was an enjoyable & interesting read. Sullivan Moss decides that after years of being an unreliable friend, uncommitted husband, useless employee and regular drunk that he is a waste of space and attempts to kill himself. Waking in hospital to find he has failed, he decides on the spur of the moment that his body is still useful and therefore he will donate a kidney. After realising it will take some time to be allowed to donate, as well as needing to prove himself healthy enough in mind and body, he starts to take care of himself, stops drinking and finds a job.

At the same time single-mum and radio producer Natalie’s dad dies leaving a dog to care for. Through mutual friends, Sullivan ends up dog and flat-sitting for her. As they interact, they start to form a friendship.

Through the various interactions with their mutual friends, you see the history that has brought them both to where they are now. There are some sad and harsh figures along the way who drink & swear too much and sleep around, however they are fully in character and quite believable.  Unlike the depressing awfulness of The Slap, whose characters had no redeeming features or any positive change, these characters and their relationships are slowly changed for the better. Spanning about a year, it charts well the ups and downs of friendships and relationships and towards the end there were some twists and turns I really didn’t expect.  It is set in Sydney and much of it I could visualise.  I never know if that’s good thing for people who have no connection with a setting, but I liked it.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read.  Oswald has been involved with writing many Australian TV dramas, has authored numerous plays and also a number of kids’ fiction books.  This appears to be her first adult fiction.  I hope she writes more.

Ten conversations you must have with your son

Ten conversations you must have with your son, Dr Tim Hawkes

This is a sensible and helpful book with lots of good ideas. Hawkes is a father, and has also been an educator of boys for 35 years as a teacher and headmaster. You quickly realise he has had a lot of exposure to young men over the years and the things we should be teaching them, in schools and in society, but most of all in the home.

He starts with outlining why we want to engage in conversation with our sons, somewhat obvious, but no doubt it needs to be pointed it. Then what we should be talking about and how we could go about doing so.

Each following chapter outlines the 10 major topic areas we should be planning to address with our sons over the course of their adolescence. Most are aimed at the teenage level, but can be adapted to suit younger boys and indeed young men who still need to learn. They are:

1. You are loved – and the ways we can demonstrate love to them.
2. Identity – how we help them to discover who they really are.
3. Values – part of realising who you are is determining what it is you stand for.
4. Leadership (or taking responsibility). All of us have power, what matters is how we choose to use it.
5. Living together – this includes living with compassion and kindness in the home and also in society at large.
6. Achievement - helping to think through how we value achievement, but also helping them to think about what they want to achieve in life, careers, etc.
7. Sex – how to think about sex, love, wise choices, consequences and values in this area.
8. Money – practical money management from the beginnings of savings, investing and giving right through to teaching about credit, debt, home loans, etc.
9. Health – how to instill good habits and knowledge about caring for your body and brain: sleep, healthy food, no drugs, wise alcohol use, etc.
10. Coping – helping to develop resilience and persistence, especially through occasions of failure, divorce or death.

Most of what he has to say is very helpful and there are many practical suggestions along the way for how to talk about it, and specifics you might want to address. Much of it is common sense, but still helpful to enunciate. There were things that might not be crucial knowledge by the age of 18, but useful to know later in life – such as older men’s health issues, detailed financial matters and how things work when someone dies (wills, executors, etc).

Many will read it and realise they are talking about some of these issues already, some may think “oh, we need to address that now!” or perhaps “we can leave that one for a little longer”. I have found this book (and others like it) have helped me to think about the vast range of things we want to teach our children and to break it down into manageable chunks. In fact we are that process at the moment - developing a list of the things we want to teach our children by the time they are 18.

I felt there were a few minor things that detracted from it. It was longer than it needed to be, he often mentions that we should teach our kids using the stories of others, and then includes some details of such stories.  It was not enough detail to share it with your son properly, but enough to make the sections seem a little long.  Many of them were also military stories, which will only appeal to some parents and children. 

It is written from an atheist or multi-faith perspective, and it will appeal to a wider audience as a result. For those of who clearly follow the Christian faith, it means you will have to adjust it to suit what you are teaching in the home. Of course we do that with everything, so that is not a major challenge.

The only other thing that struck me as I read it was that these are the same 10 conversations I will also be having with my daughters, perhaps with the application varied a little along the way. There is, however, value in thinking about these issues specifically for a son and what we want him to know and learn to become a man, in the true and honourable sense of the word.

Siblings Without Rivalry

Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich

I have no idea where the recommendation came from for his book, but it was a good one!

Some of you will be dealing with major sibling rivalry issues in your homes whether it is toddlers not coping with new babies, teens picking at each other non-stop, or kids causing actual physical harm to each other. For others it may not be a current live issue. Either way this book is worth reading for all parents who have or hope to have more than one child.

Faber and Mazlich have written a clear, quick to read book with lots of practical ideas and suggestions. It was originally written in 1987, but a review and addendum have been added in the 2012 version.   It is all still very relevant today.

They have written it to mirror a series of workshops they held, so each chapter addresses a specific topic, describing it with specific examples; then shares ways for parents to manage it including details and suggestions; and then gives feedback from parents as they tried to implement the ideas.

Some of the key ideas were:

• Help children to identify & acknowledge their feelings they have, and then validate these feelings. Enabling a child to identify anger, rejection, isolation, unfairness, etc, and showing we understand can take a lot of heat out of emotional responses. Part of this is helping children find words for emotions, not downplaying or overemphasising the emotions they have, and assisting them to find helpful and constructive ways to manage them.
• Avoid comparisons between children. Both praise and discipline can be dealt with without comparison to anyone else. Praise a child for their achievement in an area because they have learnt something as part of growing up. Call them to a standard of behaviour because that’s how we live in this family (not because their brother does it well).
• Avoid assigning roles. Parents, siblings and children all can assign family members to roles – the baby of the family, the smart one, the musical one, the artistic one, the responsible one. Some children take on the roles they are assigned with burden, others flee the roles they are given, but most roles run the risk of pigeonholing a child’s character or opinion about themselves: “I am not the smart one”, “I have to be the responsible one”, etc, without showing them the opportunities they could have if they saw themselves differently.
• How to deal with fighting. Essentially this was about giving children the skills to solve their problems between themselves, while laying down family groundrules for behaviour, and ensuring no one is in physical or emotional danger.

The emphasis on personal stories, anecdotes and cartoon illustrations makes the application come alive for the reader, as you immediately think how you could implement the same concepts in your family. Also, many of the examples and illustrations are from adults reflecting on their own childhood and the sibling rivalry issues they experienced. The memories of these times remain strong well into the adult years. We should all think about our own childhood experiences in these areas and how it affects the way we parent our children on the same issues.

I came away from it with some personal challenges:

• To keep prioritising one-on-one time with each child.
• To keep having family discussion regularly – a family meeting time.
• To beware of casting our children into roles.
• To work at validating their feelings rather than succumbing to the temptation to gloss over them.

This reads as a bit of a dry review (the older our kids get the less keen I am to include specific examples from our family as I don’t feel I am honouring them by revealing our own family details), but I assure you the book is anything but dry, it’s full of anecdotes and sensible, easy to implement ideas. If you have kids, you and they will benefit from you reading this one!