Learning to Listen

Learning to Listen: Essential Skills for Every Counselor, Joseph Hussung (New Growth Press, 2025)

Hussung has provided a short, easy-to-read resource that is applicable for counselling and pastoral care, as well as everyday life. Focusing on the importance of listening, he explores the purpose, posture and practice of listening well.

The practical tools at the end are useful, but I found the first two sections the most valuable. We all know we are to listen well; it is loving and essential for relationships. However, we rarely explore a Christian reason for why.

We listen, because God listens. “God stoops down to us and hears our cries, and that is remarkable!” He listens to us because he knows us and he loves us. 

“If we move toward the practice or posture of listening but forget that we were created by a God who listens and loves, then we will never fully grasp the complete scope of God’s vision for the care of his people. We listen to others because God listens to us. We love others because God loves. We need to constantly remind ourselves of God’s love for us and his expression of that love to us in listening as we hear the stories of others.”

But we don’t only listen to the people we counsel, we listen to God and encourage them to listen to him. Hussung observes that empathy is uniquely human because its starting place is from ignorance. 

“God knows, but we do not. We engage to know someone more deeply while God engages so that we know him more deeply. Empathy says, “Only you can tell me about yourself, and I will wait patiently and try to be a safe place to hear your story so I can help you.” In this way, empathy serves as the posture of a people who listen.”

Yet, sin mars our ability to listen and to love. “Sin cuts us off from the source of love, puts us at the center of our universe, and puts us in opposition to others.” So we speak too soon, we minimise suffering, give simplistic answers and think we know better.

Turning to section 2, the posture of listening, Hussung starts with Jesus, who was humble, gentle and patient. Our posture should be the same, “as counselors, we must exhibit Christ’s heart for our counselees, rather than our naturally hard hearts that makes it so difficult to listen.” So we move away from judgmentalism or defensiveness, we recognise our limitations, we are slow to speak, and we are compassionate to those who struggle with sin and suffering.

These first two sections were the real strength of the book - because we have a reason to listen well, a motivation for our actions. We don’t just do it because it is good practice, we do it to honour the Lord we are serving, and to love those around us. It’s yet another outworking of “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength, and love your neighbour as yourself” (Luke 10:27).

He finishes with some practical tips for listening well:

• Prepare to listen. This means being aware of our body language, how we are feeling, and awareness of the gaps in our knowledge (perhaps context, such as culture, values and perspective). 
• Actively listen - aware of our tone, using questions well, and reflecting back what we have heard. 

“It is an active process that first allows the physical hearing to take place, then ponders and interprets what we hear, and finally communicates that we have heard and what we understand.”

• Respond, always with affirmation (of their inherent value, and their story) and sometimes with empathic confrontation (What can they not see that perhaps we can help them to see?)

Many of these practical skills should already be known to someone who is counselling or caring in any format. It’s the framework that underpins them that is the most helpful.

He finishes with a logical conclusion: keep reading about Jesus (let his character shape yours), keep practising (we can improve these skills with time) and keep listening.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

A Seasoned Marriage

A Seasoned Marriage: Living the Gospel in the Middle Years and Beyond,  Larry E. McCall (New Growth Press, 2025) 

I really like the title of this book. McCall has managed to incorporate two key ideas about long-term marriage:

• It seasons us. A long-term marriage is a major shaper of our character and actions. 
• It has passed through the seasons, not only of marriage, but of life. Pain and joy, heartache and rejoicing, birth and death, closeness and distance. 

Aimed at those in the “second half of life”, he suggests it’s for those over 40. Yet, since the first life stage mentioned is launching kids into adulthood, it’s more for those 50+. It becomes increasingly applicable as the years go on - addressing challenges of retirement, ageing and preparing for death. That’s potentially another 40+ years for some couples! It’s also not assumed that every marriage at these ages will have been long-term, perhaps due to remarriage or a later start.

McCall underpins every chapter with a solid gospel foundation. He points the reader to God’s character, to what Christ has done, and encourages us to mould every aspect of our maturing years to it. While this is somewhat simplistic, the application of almost every chapter is: pray, review God’s teaching on the topic, discuss it, and make wise decisions together. See the opportunities God has given you and continue to serve him faithfully as you are able.

Considering the amount of material covered, it’s relatively short (160 pages). McCall writes clearly and succinctly, enabling him to address many topics in a digestible way. These include: 

• Building strong relationships with adult children, and being intentional grandparents (McCall has already written a great book about grandparenting) 
• Considering the purpose of retirement? “What are you working toward? What are you retiring to?” 
• The challenges of caring for aging parents 
• Facing the reality of aging bodies with grace and acceptance, in ourselves and each other 
• Opportunities for developing purposeful friendships - with peers, those older and younger, and unbelievers 
• Being faithful stewards with our money, and moving from anxiety to contentment with our finances. 
• Preparing well for the end of life. 

As such, the content will have different relevance over the decades - first, when you have young adult children, later when thinking about retirement, and then again as you get much older. While it is succinct and clear, some areas seemed quite prescriptive and perhaps too detailed, such as how to balance a budget and manage your debt, what types of help aging parents might need, and what to organise for your funeral. Yet for those who do not already think about these things, perhaps they are helpful prompts. Note that if neither of you has children, the chapters about adult children and grandchildren will not be as relevant, although could be adapted for other important relationships.

The practical details of later years aside, the early chapters provide a solid foundation for the years ahead: 

1. Reflect on why you got married and the purpose of marriage. Our vision of marriage is to showcase Christ, and love our spouse, rather than to be happy. 

2. Be ready for change - in ourselves, in our spouses, and in our relationship. Yet, 

“Let us anchor our souls in this glorious, reassuring truth: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). We are safe in his hands.”

“I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.”

3. Resist marital monotony. Continue to prioritise one another, confessing and forgiving one another, listening, honouring and delighting in one another.

I also appreciated the encouragement to use the moments of life transitions well: 

“Major transitions in life — such as entering the empty nest years — provide wonderful opportunities to slow down and evaluate who you are and where God might be taking you in the years ahead. Take time to prayerfully process these relationships.”

McCall highlights your relationship with God, with your spouse, with your adult children. I would also include relationships with living parents and siblings.

This is a helpful encouragement and guide for those in their “second half of life” about how to have a God-honouring, other-person-focused marriage.

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

You and your adult child

You and Your Adult Child, Laurence Steinberg (Simon and Schuster, 2023)

 

This is the second book about parenting adult children. Steinberg writes from a secular, psychological perspective and brings current research and observations about culture to his analysis. It pairs well with Doing Life with Your Adult Children and covers similar ground.

He starts with some overarching principles and the culture our children are in, then moves to specific topics such as education, finances, mental health, romance and marriage, and grandchildren.

One of his main points is how much young people have changed, as has their worldview, opportunities and challenges. The transition to adulthood is later and longer today. People take more time to finish tertiary education and training, change jobs more frequently, get married later (or not at all), and have high cost of living burdens. Steinberg therefore suggests that comparing your child’s life stage to yours at a similar age (“at your age I already had a job, was married, and had kids on the way”) is neither applicable nor helpful.

Like Burns, Steinberg also strongly encourages holding your tongue with advice. Yes, there are times you may decide it is important enough to speak up (e.g., something with harmful long-term consequences, or an area where you have special expertise), but generally, wait to offer your wisdom until asked for it.

Some things that stood out to me:

1. Remembering that our kids may not talk to us because they just don’t prioritise telling us. 

“[One] reason for your child’s reticence is hard for parents to accept: by and large, our kids don’t think about us nearly as much as we think about them… It’s hard for parents to discover just how low they rank on their child’s priority list, at least with respect to sharing news about their life.” (15)

2. The advice to move to collaborative decision-making as a family. Everyone offers suggestions and solutions, and a joint compromise and understanding are reached. This would likely be a significant change for many families where parents have decreed the final decision.

3. Discuss your personal finances with your children. He suggests the 40/70 rule - by the time they are 40 and you are 70. Parents should talk about whether they’ll have enough to retire comfortably, whether they are likely to need assistance from their children, and whether their children will inherit anything. This is wise advice, since so many families never talk about these things in detail. I’d suggest actually talking about some of these things even earlier than that, as appropriate.

4. The acknowledgement that developing a relationship with your child’s partner takes time and energy, and generally progresses through three stages:

• Honeymoon - where everyone is on their best behaviour. 
• Appraisal - figuring out how it will work, trying hard, but also with heightened sensitivity to each other and any slights. 
• Equilibrium - moving to a pattern that works for both parties, which could be quite close or more cordial, but hopefully workable. 

5. As a grandparent, if you are considering offering advice to your children about their parenting, “think more about how your opinion will affect the new parent’s psychological well-being than about how it will improve your grandchild’s development”. (209)

He finishes with a way to assess if your children are flourishing or floundering, with the acronym EPOCH. Consider if they are: engaged (with the world, persevering (in what they are doing, or constantly switching), optimistic, connected (to others) and happy. It’s certainly not a definitive assessment, but may give parents guidance as to whether their children are just slower along the path, or are really struggling to locate any path at all. 

It’s worth noting that the book is very American-centred, with research and mindsets anchored there. Managing children coming home from college breaks is less the way of life in Australia, where most urban kids live at home during university. (Although the principles still can be easily applied - perhaps even more so, when your adult uni children live with you all the time!). Even more narrow is the assumed financial perspective of parents. This is written for a middle to upper-class readership, expecting that all children will go to university and that parents will have the means to financially support them, possibly including assisting them to buy a home.

Another helpful book that prompts thinking for those parenting young adults.

Bad Therapy

Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier (Penguin House, 2024)

There is always value in looking at something from a different perspective. For the last 4+ years I have studied counselling. Therefore, I am reasonably educated in therapeutic approaches, being trauma-informed and attachment-based, understanding the influence of one’s childhood, and ways to consider mental health challenges.

In addition, like anyone who has parented (or taught) children over the last 2 decades, I have observed the ever-rising rates of anxiety and depression, the ballooning well-being spaces in schools, the common usage of psychological terminology, the increased use of medication and therapy, and the plethora of diagnostic labels applied to more and more children.

In Bad Therapy, Shrier explores why. She first poses some key questions. 

[We believed that we] “would cultivate the happiest, most well-adjusted kids. Instead, with unprecedented help from mental health experts, we have raised the loneliest, most anxious, depressed, pessimistic, helpless, and fearful generation on record. Why?”

How did the first generation to raise kids without spanking produce the first generation to declare they never wanted kids of their own? How did kids raised so gently come to believe that they had experienced debilitating childhood trauma? How did kids who received far more psychotherapy than any previous generation plunge into a bottomless well of despair?” (xvii)

Shrier posits that this over-parented, over-counselled, over-pathologised generation of children and young adults would mostly be fine if allowed to experience failures and challenges, develop resilience and perseverance, and be expected to mature. (She acknowledges some children do need professional help). 

She proposes that some of the main issues are: 

• A model of parenting designed to produce happy children. 

“We adopted a therapeutic approach to parenting… Successful parenting became a function with a single coefficient: our kids’ happiness at any given instant. An ideal childhood meant no pain, no discomfort, no fights, no failure – and absolutely no hint of “trauma”.” (xvi)

• Schools that are over-involved in children’s mental health, often without the skills to do so (and often to manage classroom behaviour better) 

• The damage of smartphones 

“If mental health experts wanted to do what was best for adolescents, advising parents against giving young teens smartphones would be a no-brainer.” (24)

• Constantly asking children how they are feeling can lead to rumination and an inward, self-absorbed focus.

• A lack of values and overarching worldview. Everyone is looking in at themselves, rather than outwards, and what it means to be connected to a wider community. There is some interesting data about the mental health of those with liberal political views, and the high numbers of kids who get caught up with extremist views and in cults: 

“In so many liberal American families today… parents disavow their authority, give children endless choices, and constantly solicit kids’ opinions on major life decisions. But the hunger for authority and boundaries is profoundly connected to a child’s sense of self and well-being. It does not dissipate simply because parents fail to supply it.” (194)

It is a bit of a diatribe, but it also offers a well-argued alternative view to some current theory. Shrier clearly enunciates and explains some concerns that had already been floating through my mind. In her opinion, adults (as parents, educators, and mental health professionals) have misstepped - and in doing so, have created an over-psychoanalysed, over-diagnosed and over-medicated generation of young people, very few of whom are happy.

What is her solution?

She strongly encourages parents to back themselves, suggesting they know their children best and should stop handing authority to mental health professionals, school counsellors, parenting books and internet forums. 

“When you mute the expert advice, when you log off Slate Parenting, when you lay down the rules according to your values, and insist your kids abide by them – you will be surprised by just how much you like your kids.” (240)

“The purpose of childhood is to allow kids to take risks – things that involve all kinds of hurt – and to practice the skills they will need while they are still safely under their parents' roofs. Childhood exists to allow kids to hazard an unpredictable friend, lose a ball game, stand up to a bully, pick themselves up, offer another kid a hand. We want them to venture out and get their hearts broken, try and fail, and at last succeed – all while we're still in the next bedroom.” (241)

“Remove… the technology, the hovering, the monitoring, the constant doubt. The diagnosing of ordinary behaviours as pathological. The psychiatric medication you aren’t convinced your child needs. The expert evaluations. Banish from their lives everyone with the tendency to treat your children as disordered.” (250)

An interesting read for a timely concern.

Some new children's books

New Growth Press has sent through some of their new releases - all fun offerings for families to enjoy. 

My First 123 Book of Bible Numbers, Jonathon Gibson 

This is a colourful, fun book for little ones to engage with numbers and Bible stories. It introduces numbers 1-12 and 100, linking them to bible facts and including extra items to search for while counting. Illustrations by Mike Mullan are bright and clear. While there might have been other ways to use the numbers (eg Jesus appearing to the 11 disciples, rather than 11 being the number of stars in Joseph’s dream), all are accurate examples of how numbers are used in the bible. A cute little book for those who are learning to count.

A Wonderful Surprise, Sally Michael

This is well-timed for those looking for an Easter book in the next few weeks. Anchored around Luke 19:38a (Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord), Michael tells the story of Jesus' final week, from his arrival in Jerusalem to his resurrection (and then ascension). It's a clever and engaging way of teaching children that Jesus is indeed the King who came and who will come again. Soft, colourful, and detailed illustrations by Sengsavane Chounramany will delight many. 

At the end, there are two double pages of instructions and recommendations for parents /guardians. I increasingly find these prompts in children's books rather condescending to parents. Yet, some may find them helpful. However, the story is a lovely addition to the series, three of which I reviewed previously. 

Coop Learns He Can, Sarah Reju

This is the third book in the Wheelies series about Coop, the youngest car in a family of seven. Sarah Reju has created a fun world of cars and trucks, all with different skills and personalities. Coop has been told he is fearfully and wonderfully made, but he's not quite sure how that can be when he feels unable to keep up with his sister. Yet, it turns out that his ability to zip around and fit through small spaces is exactly what she needs when she gets into trouble. Tania Rex's colourful illustrations show a fun world and expressive faces on the cars. 

Ecopies of all of these were received in exchange for an honest review.  

Doing Life with Your Adult Children

Doing Life with Your Adult Children, Jim Burns (Zondervan, 2019) 

After decades of reading parenting books for babies, toddlers and teens - I have arrived at the final stage - parenting adult children. This stage is longer than all the others and often has larger issues at stake, yet there aren’t many resources about it. I’m going to tell you about some in the coming months.

Jim Burns’ offering is summarised in the subtitle “keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out”. He wants to help parents by giving “perspective, insight, and practical guidance you need to move your relationship in a positive direction” (p16). He challenges parents to acknowledge that at this stage many lose the part of parenting they like - the control - but it’s time to relinquish them to God and let go.

Some of the big ideas that overarch the book are included in chapter 1: 

• Be encouraging but not intrusive. That means hold your tongue, encourage what you can, and develop the right to be heard. 
• Be caring but enable independence 
• Invest in your own emotional, physical, and spiritual health 
• Have fun with your kids 

He has structured the book around 9 core principles, which address a few main themes: 

• Recognise our children are adults and treat them that way - with respect (for no adult wants to be told what to do), with grace, with the view to being an available mentor when sought, and trusting that they need to learn from experience. 
• Awareness of the culture our children have grown up in: one that delays maturing to adulthood, is shaped by technology, seeks life/work balance and adventure, and is morally aimless. 
• Entitlement and failure to launch. A parent’s role is to proactively move adult children towards independence, which may require tough decisions and boundaries about living at home and financial provision. Some families may need to develop specific timetabled action plans for this. 
• Supporting children through regrettable choices. Adult need to bear the consequences of their actions, so parents love them but do not bail them out. Find support for yourself through tough times, so that you don’t dump your frustration on them. 
• As families change, work hard to develop strong in-law and stepfamily relationships, and use the amazing opportunities of grandparenting seriously. 

A few things stood out:

1. Unsolicited advice is often taken as criticism. 
2. The great, honest comment from a pastor about his son: “most of the time, he didn’t want my advice. I’m a pastor, and frankly, I give good advice”! 
3. When in doubt, remain silent. Ask yourself, “Will what I am about to do or say improve the relationship?” 
4. Allow them to control the amount of time they spend with you 

“For many parents, it’s this final stage of trying to balance care and concern with respect for privacy and individuation that truly is the most difficult stage of all.” (p98)

A very helpful and practical guide to think about the longest stage of parenting you will ever do.

Reading the Times

Reading the Times, Jeffrey Bilbro (IVP, 2021) 

This book is an excellent prompt to think more deeply about the news, the information we consume, and how and why we do so. God’s word calls us to an eternal perspective that places Jesus Christ as the turning point of history. Yet, in an age surrounded by newsfeeds, social media, opinions, tweets, and videos, it is hard to remember this eschatological vision. As Thoreau said, “Read not the Times. Read the Eternities”.

Bilbro helps us consider how we might do this. His purpose is to think theologically about how Christians should consume the news. But thinking leads to action, and he encourages the reader to use the news in ways that focus us on the work of the Word and loving our neighbours. He explores three areas - attention, time, and community. In each, he considers the current landscape, proposes a theological answer often using examples from history, and provides some practical ways to live it out.

Attention

In essence, our minds are being filled with numerous, trivial, and mostly unimportant pieces of information. This leads to boredom and dis-ease, makes us vulnerable to other strong opinions, and warps our emotional sensibilities - directing us to care about far-away events which do not impact us, while giving little heed to our close neighbours’ needs.

His solution - focus on one or two issues that strike you as important and that are important to God: 

“Perhaps we need to conduct an emotional audit and consider which issues or news items caused us to become angry, outraged, or excited: Are we grieving over what grieves God and rejoicing over what brings him joy? Or have we become emotionally invested in trivia while growing apathetic about matters of real import?”

“A contemplative response to the news, then, depends on eschatological hope, on fixing one’s identity in a victory that lies outside the vicissitudes of daily news and politics.”

His suggestions - read deeply, not shallowly. Focus on the things in your life that are important in the world that you inhabit. 

“Perhaps the news to which we most need to attend won't be found on social media feed or the front page of any paper. Instead, it's the cry of a baby who needs a diaper changed. It's the bubbles bursting from a pot that needs to be stirred… These are the news alerts, the “push notifications,” to which we can respond with skill. And such work inculcates a properly responsible attention, an attention that seeks to lovingly care for the needs at hand.”

Time

Using the different categories of kairos and chronos in time, Bilbro draws the distinction between two categories of time. Kairos is more rhythmic, cyclical and seasonal; it is more about time to act or time to plant. Chronos is more a quantifiable duration, something that is linear, and often is applied to the forward march of a society. 

Christians can risk conflating redemptive time with the advance of chronological time, leading some to identify with their values being on the ‘right side’ of history, yet, 

“the arc of history does not bend towards the Roman eagle or liberal democracy; rather, all its events relative to the crucified and risen Word. And Christians must learn to read the events of chronos in that light.”

“If your response to the news fits perfectly within any partisan narrative - whether a nostalgic longing to restore some idyllic time or a woke fury at those on the wrong side of history - it’s unlikely to be keyed to God’s eschatological victory.”

Bilbro encourages an appreciation of literature and art that incorporates a sense of God‘s timing rather than just human chronological timing. Such an approach requires depth and time which may be hard, but is worthwhile.

Community

News and information operate within the public sphere, and they have three prominent features being secular, metatopical, and market-based. The more fascinating concept was Bilbro’s assertion that a community formed through the digital public sphere is almost evitably a swarm, and 

“Because swarms simply respond to stimuli, they can't coordinate or sustain the patient, difficult work of love and care.”

Some proposed solutions have been fact checking and diversifying our news feeds, but these don’t make much difference for those who are well informed often remain one-sided and reading other’s opinions can just lead to confirmation bias. More importantly however, these don’t address core issues: 

“What we really need is to be shaped by embodied communities that are rooted outside the public sphere and its unhealthy dynamics”

He encourages adopting practices or liturgies that reshape our intuitions and belonging, giving two principles: faithful joining (be in your community, even just walking around it), and redemptive publishing (participate in media in ways that counter its warping pressures).

In some ways, the depth of his analysis leads to an expectation of more detailed and complex solutions. Bilbro’s way forward almost seems simplistic. Yet, I think they are designed to ground us and show us that it’s not that hard or overwhelming to change our perspective and approach.

I found myself pondering how many people today are following news or information. My observation is that many follow feeds that have no real content at all. Not news, but empty memes, jokes, personal anecdotes, and life hacks. Lives are filled with the emptiness of other people’s lives. This might make it easier to disengage from other people’s trivia, but it clearly has a pull on many.

This is intelligent and wise writing that prompts thoughtful action in a sphere that we are all continuously learning to navigate.

Mania

Mania, Lionel Shriver (Harper Collins, 2024) 

Yet again I have been struck by Lionel Shriver’s insight and humour. She has an astonishing ability to explore societal trends through fictional characters and situations, and I have enjoyed many of her books over the years.

This new offering presents an alternative world where intelligence (or more specifically, the lack of it) has become the primary social justice issue. It began in 2010 with the release of a book suggesting that discrimination against dumb people was the last civil rights fight. This startled a trickle, which quickly became a torrent stating that there was no difference in intellect, merely different processing issues. In due course, it became socially unacceptable to refer to anyone’s intelligence or lack thereof. Shriver shows us where this naturally leads. 

Early on there are numerous language changes to adapt to: removal of terms like dumbwaiter, dense, dumbbells, thick, bovine, bright, and quick. Knives could not be described as sharp, clothes could not look smart, Smarties had to change their name, and there could be no mention of turkeys or sage at Thanksgiving. Many TV shows were cancelled, including Big Bang Theory and Sherlock Holmes. Newspapers removed all crosswords, lest anyone feel traumatised by being unable to do them.  

Over the following 5-10 years all school tests are abolished, no entry requirements are needed to attend university, anyone can be issued with a degree, and no one who applies for a job can be refused. Consider surgeons with no qualifications, aeroplane engineers who do not understand hydraulic systems, and food preparations not held to any standards. On the World Stage, America (and the West) have begun to fall apart, Russia has invaded Europe and China controls all of Asia. In this world, Obama is seen as too elite and intelligent, so is a one-term President. Amusingly, the next two presidents echo this world’s reality.  

It’s written from the perspective of Pearson Converse, of average intellect, who is a university English lecturer. She was brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness, but rejected it in her teens. She has three children and a loving husband, and fights against the lunacy of the changes going on around her. Yet her best friend, Emory, has become a champion of the Mental Parity (MP) movement and has a platform on CNN from which to project them.  

I highlighted so many quotes, I couldn’t possibly share them all with you - but here is a sample to get the idea: 

“Emory drummed her fingers during the traditional scramble for vocabulary that hadn't yet been exiled to the naughty step.” 

“Social hysterias do not stand still if they are not yet losing steam, they are getting worse. And this one was getting worse. Radical movements keep ratcheting up their demands, because nothing ennervates a course more than success.” 

“By this point it's indisputable that human beings will believe anything. Accordingly, a wide variety of historical phenomena that once confounded me now seem explicable, if not ordained. I'm no longer astonished by the Holocaust and there's no country in the world that I would deem impervious to the modern equivalent of a Nazi takeover.” 

“I haven't adopted a revolutionary way of looking at the world that I'm intent on imposing on everyone else. Everyone else is imposing their revolution on me. All I've done is refuse to capitulate. I stayed in the exact same place while the rest of the world has careened off to la-la land.”

Shriver has strong views and she does not hesitate to weave them into her writing with an acerbic edge, harshness, and dark humour. All of her writing is strongly anti-religious. She is clearly addressing social justice, inclusivity, diversity and the cancel culture of the Western world. Even when I disagree with her perspective, or hold another opinion, I love her writing. She makes me think, question, and consider.

My year in books

At the end of last year, my regular annual post at TGCA was published - My Year in Books. I share it with you below - regular readers will note that I already reviewed these here over the year, but there are a few extras - notably the podcasts and the fiction. 

1. The Sermon on the Mount and Human Flourishing (Jonathan Pennington)

Pennington’s theological commentary on the Sermon on the Mount was a highlight of my biblical study. Eminently readable yet scholarly, Pennington sets a vision for Matthew 5–7 as Jesus’ invitation to live a full and flourishing life in the Father’s kingdom. It broadened my understanding and appreciation for this well-known sermon and provided an overarching thematic structure to explore it in depth. As a speaker, I would have appreciated more movement from exegesis to application. However, as a Bible reader and believer, I was well-fed.

2. You Are Welcomed (Trish Donahue)

This 10-week devotional for women was an encouraging balm and a challenging prompt. Subtitled Devotions for When Life Is a Lot, it speaks directly to women in their busyness, overwhelm and struggles. Donahue emphasises the grace and rest offered to us in Christ, while pushing us toward a desire for godly growth. You Are Welcomed prompted me to reflect and pray, trusting in our good God who remains with us through life’s complicated seasons.

3. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow (Nancy Guthrie)

While some books theoretically unpack grief and loss, this tender offering is about experiencing grief and loss and continuing to hold onto Jesus. Guthrie writes having lost two children in their infancy. Amid her grief, she recognised she could turn to Jesus, saying like Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (Jn 6:68). Guthrie explores different things Jesus said, some that are comforting and some that are harder to hear. Pastorally sensitive and biblically astute.

4. 7 Myths about Singleness (Sam Allberry)

This is a great book for single and married alike. We live in a church culture where marriage is held up as the model for Christians, and unfortunately, singleness can be viewed as deficient, lesser and a second prize. Allberry’s purpose is to show the inherent goodness and value of singleness. With warmth, pastoral care and honesty, he addresses myths about singleness like: it’s too hard or easy; and it means no family nor intimate relationships. Ultimately, marriage and singleness are upheld with honour, value and esteem.

5. Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus (Nancy Guthrie)

Yes, another one by Guthrie. She led a day conference in Adelaide this year and I was already a fan. Here she considers different people’s interactions with Jesus in the Gospels—those who came to love and serve him, and those who rejected him. She approaches each story through a biblical theology lens, drawing together threads I had not noticed from across the biblical accounts. Useful for established Christians, this book could also help seekers or new believers to gain a more rounded understanding of Jesus.

6. Fight Right (Julie and John Gottman)

Running a marriage ministry keeps me looking for new resources. The Gottmans have expanded their already impressive body of work with this book on conflict. They consider how couples get stuck in perpetual problems—why they fight, what they are fighting about and the patterns they fall into—and explore how to change these common mistakes into opportunities for connection and understanding. Those wanting a Christian framework will need to look elsewhere. However, the Gottmans use well-established research, are realistic and offer couples hope.

7. Podcast: The Heart of Mission (CMS SANT)

Produced by CMS SANT, this podcast primarily interviews gospel workers, covering both their personal experiences and wider theological discussion. I’ve been deeply encouraged to see the many ways that God is at work among the nations, and personally challenged to refocus my heart for mission.

8. Podcast: The Imperfects

This podcast features honest interviews with guests revealing their personal hardships, imperfections and vulnerabilities. Of particular note are episodes with in-house psychologist Dr Emily. She explores topics like anxiety and self-doubt, both educating and equipping the listener with tools for self-understanding and improved mental health. Other stand-out episodes included Maybe it’s Menopause and the searingly raw account of a new father’s postnatal depression (Jack Post-Natal Depression).

9. Various Fiction

Needing some lighter reading for refreshment, I dived into some long series (20 plus books each). I have enjoyed the self-appointed arbiter of justice— Lee Child’s Jack Reacher—and the various crime-solving characters of David Baldacci. I particularly enjoyed seeing the city of LA’s legal and law enforcement systems change from the 1980s to the present day through the exploits of a police investigator Harry Bosch and defence lawyer Mickey Haller (The Lincoln Lawyer) in Michael Connelly’s crime fiction. If you attempt any of these, read them chronologically to appreciate the meta-narratives.

Two Steps Forward

I have recently enjoyed two books co-authored by husband and wife team Graeme Simsion and Anne Buist. I was already familiar with Simsion’s writing in the very enjoyable Rosie Project trilogy.

Zoe, an artist from California and Martin, an engineer from Yorkshire both find themselves in Cluny, France. One’s spouse has died and the other has experienced a messy divorce. Each decides to walk the Camino to Santiago solo, yet they cross paths, with numerous other pilgrims along the way.

It’s told from each character’s perspective in alternating chapters, and slowly their stories are revealed. Simison and Buist have walked the trail, and their insight and knowledge are woven throughout, including the occasional reference to the Martin Sheen movie, The Way. There are ups and downs, laughter and grief, and all up, it’s a lovely story.

I was pleased to discover that there is a sequel, Two Steps Onwards, set three years later, where many of the same group walk the Chemin d’Assise and Via Francigena from rural France to Rome.

They have a new book out this year, The Glass House, I look forward to trying that as well. 

Reaching Your Child's Heart

Reaching Your Child’s Heart, Juan and Jeanine Sanchez (New Growth Press, 2024) 

This is a good book for Christian parents who seek encouragement and advice as they raise their children to know Jesus. The Sanchezs write with humility and grace, hoping to pass on their wisdom learned in raising five daughters.

Each chapter starts with an overarching principle, helpfully defining the content, which incorporates a biblical framework and suggestions on how it might look, without being too prescriptive. Each chapter finishes with questions to apply it to your situation.

The overarching goal is that we should have the same aim as God does: 

“Our desire for our children should be the same as God’s: that they would be children who reflect God’s image and display his glory in all they think, say, and do."

But we need to remember the reality of sin: 

“One of the greatest dangers in parenting is the temptation to settle for well-behaved children who don’t see a need for Christ’s redeeming love. We are parenting children born in sin, and they need to be rescued out of the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the kingdom of God’s Son, just as we were (Colossians 1:13–14).”

As we parent, we remember that our parental direction naturally gives way to personal responsibility as they mature. “In other words, when your children are young, you will provide clear and firm direction, but as they grow in wisdom and experience, you will free them to be responsible for their choices.” Not enough parenting resources stress this essential transition.

There is a strong encouragement to pray and be examples for our children to follow, in areas of personal devotion, personal holiness, having hard conversations and seeking forgiveness. They encourage setting biblical parenting goals to reach biblical goals, with lots of practical ideas of how this may look as we read God’s word and model Christ in our daily lives. 

“God does not expect us to be perfect parents. They have a perfect Father in heaven, and they have a perfect Savior in Jesus. What they need from us is to be humble, repentant, faithful, and godly parents.”

The chapter on discipline is the one many parents will turn to for guidance. It is structured around three principles: prioritise positive instruction (teaching about appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and their consequences), shepherd their hearts, and practice corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is broken down into: gentle exhortation, gentle rebuke, and chastisement.

And here is my one major issue with this book. Chastisement is an all-encompassing term they use for punishment, which while defined broadly and with numerous caveats, clearly includes spanking. They are careful to lay out numerous conditions: it should not hurt, must be done in context appropriate for the child, and so on. However, using the term chastisement actually makes it much less clear - what are they really talking about? When they later say (for 13+) that chastisement is no longer appropriate, it appears they are talking about physical punishment, because other options may still be appropriate. It’s confusing, but more so, spanking is contentious (rightly so) and rarely achieves its stated goals. I had concerns with this in Shepherding a Child’s Heart years ago, and this book raises some of the same issues such as how Proverbs has been interpreted, and my lack of conviction that hitting a child changes their heart, let alone it being considered inappropriate (and in some cases, illegal) today. (Without these concerns, this book would have been fantastic and very highly recommended).

The final three chapters explore the different stages of parenting children aged 0-5, 6-12, and 13+. These are helpful, practical, and detailed, with the encouragement that laying a strong foundation early makes a massive difference later. I appreciated their positivity about how enjoyable the teen years can be.

They finish with three things to remember:

• “Your parenting will neither save your children, nor will it condemn them to hell 
• Your children don’t need perfect parents who have it all figured out. They need humble, faithful, and repentant parents who continually point them to Christ. 
• Let your home be characterized by joy, encouragement, grace, truth, and, yes, fun!” 

Overall, this has many helpful encouragements and suggestions for Christian parents. 

I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, Nancy Guthrie (Tyndale, 2009) 

This book is for someone experiencing grief, loss or pain, yet wants to hear Jesus’ words in their situation. Guthrie writes from her personal experience of losing two children in infancy. Amid her grief, she also recognised that Jesus was the one she turned to, realising like Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68). Yet, she could also see how others might reject him: 

“I could relate to those in the story who found some of Jesus’ words, difficult to understand and accept, and simply walked away. Perhaps you can too, as you have struggled to reconcile your understanding of what you’ve read about in the Bible, and your expectations of how God cares for those he loves, with your own difficult reality.” (xv)

In this book, she applies Jesus’ words in the gospels to those who hurt - both words of comfort and those that are harder to hear. Each chapter explores something Jesus said and what that means for us. Some examples are: 

• I too have known overwhelming sorrow (Matthew 26:38). Jesus understands the crushing weight and agonising loneliness of grief. 

• I, too, have heard God tell me no (Matthew 26:39). Jesus shows us what to do when God doesn’t give us what we want. 

“Faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want, it is measured by our willingness to submit to what he wants. (19)

• I am willing to heal your deadliest disease - sin. (Mark 1:41). The challenge here is that if we are only after physical healing, we don’t think our sin is significant. 

“Jesus did not die on the cross to give you a certain number of days of health on this earth, but to fit you, body and soul, for eternity in a new heaven and a new earth.” (37)

• I will save you from yourself (Matthew 16:23). Jesus saves us from a wasted life of always trying to get our own way. This chapter challenges us to confront why we think we should be exempt from pain and suffering. 

• I have a purpose in your pain (John 9:3). Jesus gives us insight when we ask “why?” I appreciated her observation that people blame God when something bad happens, but actually we should be blaming sin. 

Other chapters focus on being empowered to forgive others, that God gives us grace in our weakness, and that death is not the end of life. We will grieve differently from those with no hope. Not less, but differently.

She finishes with the comforting truth that Jesus opens his arms to us and gives us rest (Matt 1:28).

Some books are about understanding grief and loss. This book is about experiencing grief and loss, and holding on to Jesus in the midst of it.

7 Myths about Singleness

7 Myths about Singleness, Sam Allberry (Crossway, 2019)

Sometimes when I write a review, I want to say: “Just read it”. This is one of those times.

This is a great book for everyone - single and married alike. Allberry notes we are in an era where marriage is held up as the model for Christians. That it somehow signifies completeness, maturity, and having made it. Singleness therefore is seen as deficient, lesser, and a second prize.

We forget that it hasn’t always been like this. Jesus was single - and in no way deficient or incomplete as a human. The apostle Paul presented lofty views of marriage as a symbol of Christ and the church (Eph 5), yet still suggested singleness was preferable (1 Cor 7). In past times, being single to serve Christ was an honourable choice.

Allberry’s purpose is to show again the inherent goodness of singleness. (He defines singleness as being unmarried and committed to sexual abstinence). It is not bad to be single, rather it is valuable and good. He does so by working through seven myths: 

1. Singleness is too hard. One element of this is the perception that celibacy is too much to ask, yet sexual expression does not define our humanity. Allberry points out that marriage is also difficult. 1 Cor 7 argues that married life is more complicated, and singleness is more straightforward. 
2. Singleness requires a special calling. This pushes back on the idea that the gift of singleness is given to some, and you need that special power to cope with being single. 
3. Singleness means no intimacy. Great comments on friendships and their many benefits. Our culture has so raised the idea of romantic love to be the ideal form of expression, that we are unable to see the value of deep, close, intimate, yet non-sexual friendships. 
4. Singleness means no family. As Christians, the nuclear family does not have precedence over the larger family of God. Allberry shares many stories of how he has been part of families’ lives, providing the reader with many practical ideas. 
5. Singleness hinders ministry. Rather, there are benefits of being single in ministry, including more flexibility and responsiveness. At the same time, he acknowledges the costs, such as the time needed to run a household on your own. For those who think their single pastor cannot speak into their family life, he counters that pastors do not need to experience a life situation to be able to speak from God’s word about it. 
6. Singleness wastes your sexuality. This returns to some of the ideas of chapter 1. The ongoing feeling of restlessness and longing for more can point us to our creator God and the reality of the gospel in fulfilling every need. “If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.” 
7. Singleness is easy. Having taken six chapters to explore the benefits of singleness, this speaks honestly about the pain of being single and acknowledges that it can be very hard. For those who struggle, this gives voice to their pain.

Allberry is balanced throughout. This is not a book that upholds singleness at the expense of marriage. Both are honoured, valued, and esteemed. I appreciated his conclusion. Yes, singleness is good. But, really the main point is that God is good, and we can trust him to care for us and be with us, whatever our relational situation.

Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus

Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus, Nancy Guthrie (Crossway, 2020)

After hearing Nancy Guthrie give an excellent seminar recently, I grabbed a few more of her books. I have always enjoyed her writing, and have reviewed some books before (on grief, on praying for your children, and on biblical theology). Saints and Scoundrels in the Story of Jesus is another one in the biblical theology realm.

Each chapter considers someone in the biblical accounts who interacted with Jesus - both those who came to love him and serve him, and those who turned away from him. From there, Guthrie encourages the reader to think how they too might react to Jesus and respond to his call on their life.

Every chapter is like a sermon, and as such was engaging, easy to read, and very applicable. At the same time, it was biblically saturated and drew links from the Old Testament through to Jesus, providing connections that might otherwise have been missed.

Some of the ‘saints’ and ’scoundrels’ are: John the Baptist, Jesus’ family, Peter, the Pharisees, Zaccheus, Judas, Stephen, and Paul. Each brought out a different aspect of following Jesus and what it means today. While I learned from them all, some stood out: 

1. Jesus family. Exploring his family line, his parents and his siblings, Guthrie posits that the family of Jesus is made of people from less respectable backgrounds, who have a less than complete understanding of who he is, and whose belief in Jesus is better later than never. It’s a comforting encouragement to those who think they could never measure up and an assurance that they don’t have to. 
2. Peter. This was a more balanced and nuanced take on Peter than we sometimes get. She compared Peter in the gospels with Peter in the letters, to show how God works change in people’s lives. 
3. The Pharisees and Nicodemus. This contained helpful cultural explanations and powerful observations. Have you ever stopped to think what it meant physically and emotionally for Nicodemus (and Joseph) to take Jesus’ body off the cross and to the tomb? 

The real strength of this book is the way Guthrie applies biblical theology to each story, giving it more meaning, deeper context, and more appropriate application. What’s interesting is the wide range of people this book is suitable for. It would introduce new believers or inquirers to Jesus and how he changes lives. It would help established Christians to see links across the biblical accounts that they might have missed. It brings fullness to the story of Jesus and our understanding of him. I learnt a lot and appreciated how Guthrie drew threads together that I had not previously seen. Highly recommended.

Home Work

Home Work: Essays on love and housekeeping, Helen Hayward (Puncher and Wattman, 2023) 

Home Work by Helen Hayward was a highlight of my recent reading. It is a gentle stroll through the unfolding years of her life, as she ponders what it means to care about her home, her household, and how it runs.

She outlines her early adult years, leaving Adelaide for London, and establishing a career. She struggled with the tension of enjoying a well-kept, inviting home with the reality and business of work and commitments: 

“And even while my thoughts were focused on my career, in my heart – a place I didn't often go – I never doubted that there was an art to running a home and that it was a worthwhile thing to do.”

Upon marriage and the subsequent arrival of children, the question of maintaining the home became front and centre: 

“From day one of motherhood, the emotional, imaginative and physical work of looking after my baby and home felt demanding. I felt I had no choice but to stay on top of household tasks…Cooking, organising, errands, shopping and cleaning became urgent. My life may not have depended on them but my sanity and well-being did.”

The family returned to Australia settling first in Melbourne and then in Tasmania. As Hayward’s mother got older and began questioning whether her life (spent at home with a focus on child-raising and volunteering) had value, Hayward was asking her own similar questions: 

“Was it possible to find meaning and satisfaction in housekeeping? And did this have something important to teach us about life itself? Eventually these questions snowballed into one giant question. Was our home work essential to living a good life or did it take away from it?”

What I really appreciated about this book was its tone. Hayward tells her story gently and honestly. She  doesn’t force her choices on you. She just shares her thinking, and perhaps others will find something in it for them.

She isn’t starry-eyed about the realities of managing a home: 

“Daydreaming about what family life might be like was easy in my early 30s. Housekeeping for the family that I went onto to have, as the years galloped by, was more challenging and time-consuming than I'd ever imagined.”

“What I do know, and do have words for, it's just how much love and effort it requires to keep up a warm and attractive home, especially with a family at the middle of it.”

Yet, there was a recognition of what was learnt in the process: 

“Being a mother of small children forced me into a self-reliance I had not known I was capable of.”

“What I didn't understand back then, what I couldn't fathom in my pigheaded adolescence, was the extent to which loving someone is to look after them. Aged sixteen I refuse to accept, it was incomprehensible to me, that loving someone is inseparable from caring for them practically, emotionally, and soulfully.”

She concludes that the reason that you maintain a home is mainly to love the people in it. 

“It's a daily expression of my willingness to do things that I don't really care about, for the sake of something bigger that I really do care about. For me, these big things are love and beauty. The kind of love that I've stumbled on goes beyond family, to everyone I care about. It extends to everyone I know who is in the throes of doing this difficult thing called life.”

Much of what Hayward shares echoes my own thinking in this area. I suspect she is only 5-10 years older than me and her story has many similarities. I have also chosen to be the primary person at home, managing the household for 25 years. This doesn’t mean there isn’t another focus elsewhere - Hayward was in paid employment for many years, and I have given much time to unpaid ministry. While I might be initially be tempted not to think of myself as very “homemakery”, when I think back over the years, I realise I have taught myself how to do basic home maintenance, clean gutters, change doorknobs, make bread, cook, paint a room, make jam, sew curtains, and so on. The things that keep a house going.

Like many, I have found there is both a tediousness to the never-ending cycle of cleaning, washing and cooking. Yet, there is also a sense of satisfaction in maintaining a welcoming home, where everyone is fed and clean, and where things work. And even more so - when others are served and loved by your actions.

This is what I appreciated about this book. It made me recall and reflect again on why I have chosen the path I have.

Whalefall

Whalefall, Daniel Kraus 

This was a fascinating story. 17-year-old scuba diver Jay has given himself the task of finding his estranged father’s body at sea. Partly to ease his mother’s and sister’s grief and partly to assuage his own guilt. Heading out into the deep off the coast of California, a startling interaction with a giant squid soon turns to terror as a giant sperm whale arrives to feed, accidentally including Jay in its enormous mouthful. Swallowed fully into the first of the whale’s four stomachs with only an hour of air remaining, is it even possible for Jay to escape? 

It seems ridiculous and completely farfetched, yet at the same time, almost possible. Kraus has researched all aspects extensively and tried to write a book about something that could actually happen. 

Interwoven with the present challenges of biology, chemistry, and whale physiology, is Jay's psychological turmoil and memories. The story switches back and forth, with the chapters named by the numbers counting down on his air supply (1306PSI), and his memories of his father over the years (2014, 2008, etc). Reading it now as a newly published book is ideal, because 2014 is indeed 10 years earlier in Jay’s life - so it feels even more real.

This was a gripping read, I couldn’t put it down, and I genuinely wasn’t sure how it would end. Interesting, enjoyable, and thought-provoking.

Fight Right

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, Julie & John Gottman (Penguin, 2024)

For over fifty years, John and Julie Gottman have been researching couples and using their discoveries to develop books and tools to help couples grow their relationships.

Earlier books, such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  and Eight Dates cover multiple aspects of relationships - friendship, conflict, communication, sex, hopes & dreams, and so on. This great new book, Fight Right, focuses on conflict, particularly the conflicts that couples get stuck in. If you are familiar with the Gottman’s work and materials, none of it will be particularly new, but the re-presentation of it structured around conflict is very helpful.

I particularly liked their focus on conflict being a way to connection: 

“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection.” (p9)

There is a recognition that every relationship contains conflict, for all couples will fight in some way or another. It’s how to do it that matters: 

“When we fight, we should be trying to create something better. That’s the ultimate goal of conflict: to create something better for yourself, for you and your partner as a couple, and for the world.“ (p 17).

The first section explores conflict itself - why we fight, how we fight, and what we fight about. In the end, we fight because we are two different people with different personalities, desires, goals, hopes and dreams. As Christians, I think we would add that we also fight because we are two sinners living together, we can be self-centred and unwilling to serve each other.

They explore different conflict styles in a relationship - avoidant, validating and volatile. While the categorisations were helpful, I didn’t see myself clearly defined by any of them. I could see overlap and bits of each. I’m not sure this mattered that much though, because they suggest that your conflict style is less important when compared to how you fight. Their research indicates that you need a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in conflict (and much more positive overall in your relationship).

They see a conflict as a bid for connection. It’s an attempt to bridge the gap when something is wrong between you. They suggest that the common denominator in every fight that goes wrong is dismissing our partner’s negative emotions, rather than being willing to explore them. Ideally, we want to approach each other with curiosity over what is happening, rather than hostility. 

“When we choose someone for life, in addition to choosing someone to love, we’re choosing a set of forever conflicts, points of friction that will always heat up from time to time and sometimes maybe start a little fire. There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with the points of conflict - to accept that they are there and approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.” (94)

This book is aimed at couples willing to work on their marriage. However, they say three circumstances are usually dealbreakers: abuse, refusal to seek help for addiction, and differences around having children. While the warnings about abuse are present, they are a little limited. I was surprised they didn’t add ongoing infidelity to this list. Elsewhere they have identified this as a contra-indication to successful couples counselling.* 

The second section explores the five fights everyone has, and how to do them better:

1. The harsh-start up. The first 3 minutes of a fight are critical to how it goes. They suggest a different way: I feel x, the problem is y, I need z. It’s about you, not the other person. 
2. Attacking, withdrawing, defending and flooding. We need to solve the moment, not the fight. Here they talk more about expressing needs, and repair attempts mid-fight. 
3. Staying shallow - not addressing the real issue underneath. We must understand what is really going on before we can seek to deal with it. 
4. Competing to win, rather than being flexible together and trying to find a way forward. 
5. Stewing about past fights. Unresolved conflicts fester, so a way is provided to process unresolved past arguments and explore what happened. 

This book gives couples some of the same tools that a Gottman-accredited therapist would use. Seeing a therapist together is still a great idea, especially for couples struggling in conflict gridlock. However, this is a great option for couples who want to try on their own or have circumstances that make it difficult to see a therapist. It requires both of you to be fully committed to the process. If that’s the case, I see much benefit for couples that apply the principles here.

The book is probably a little longer than it needed to be. However, some will appreciate knowing what their research found and what their methods are based on. The numerous illustrations and examples sprinkled throughout will help many to grasp and implement the suggestions. It’s a secular book, so those who want a Christian framework need to look elsewhere. I would have appreciated a bit more detail about what forgiveness can look like within a relationship. However, this is still some of the best research-backed work in the field. I like the Gottmans’ style. They are realistic and they offer hope. 

“Our conflicts are endless mirrors of our deeper humanity. They compel us to see and accept the full complex humanity of our partner – both the wonderful parts and the deeply human flaws. That means accepting their vulnerabilities, their baggage, their trauma, and their weaknesses - all the nuances that create the whole individual, the heart and soul, of this person you fell in love with.” (p. 298)

*10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman (Norton & Co, 2015)

True Friendship

True Friendship, Vaughan Roberts (10 Publishing, 2013)

You may have noticed I’ve read a few books about friendship recently, and I think this one is probably the best. It’s straight to the point, clear and direct with solid suggestions and implications, all while being Christ-focussed and God honouring.

Roberts says that true friendship is crucial - we all need it - and it is close. If you are married, your spouse should be your best friend. But all of us should have truly close friends. It is also constant - we should challenge ourselves by asking “what kind of friend am I?”, rather than “who will be my friend?” or “where are my friends?” Are we the person they would turn to in a time of need? Close friendships require four things: for us to be selective, open, interested, and committed. It takes time and energy to grow and maintain friendships.

True friendship is also candid. Not only are we to be honest with others, but we are to allow others to be honest with us - including inviting challenge and rebuke. I appreciated his warning to those who are in Christian leadership - ensure you have some people around you who are willing to speak honestly to you about your faults and failings. It takes grace to respond to criticism, and Roberts suggests: expect it, examine it, and then endure it. Counter to this, true friendship is also careful. We are gentle and speak with love to each other as we walk together. I appreciated the included wisdom from Gordon MacDonald that while I want friendships where I can be myself, I also want to be encouraged to be better than myself, growing in Christ-likeness. Finally, true friendship is Christ-centred. In the end, our desires for friendships will never be met fully on earth. But they are met in Christ.

At under 90 pages, it’s quick to read and I got a lot out of it. There is much wisdom expressed very succinctly. Taking more time over it, talking through it with someone, or exploring the discussion questions at the end of each chapter would provide even more benefit.

No Greater Love

No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship, Rebecca McLaughlin (Moody, 2023)

What is a friend? Is it someone who gets you, that you can hang out with easily, and who shares the same interests? That is a good friend. However, in No Greater Love, Rebecca McLaughlin suggests that Christian friendship is so much more. It is anchored in Christ, is missional, and can be extended to many. At the same time, close friendships will refresh, restore and challenge us, so that we can continue to serve Jesus more broadly in his world.

Basing the biblical study in the New Testament, McLaughlin focuses both on Jesus’ expressions of friendship and how it is shown in the early Christian community through the epistles. We act in love towards everyone, but we also share deeper relationships and more time with some. We can see this in Jesus’ life. He spoke of loving your neighbour and loving your enemy, and he both taught and modelled what that could look like. He also gathered friends around him (his disciples and other followers) with whom he shared life and ministry. He said that true friends would lay down their lives for each other, showing that true friendship in Jesus is sacrificial (John 15:13). Even within that group, it could be argued that Peter, James and John were his closest friends. Of course, his friends failed and deserted him, but Jesus’ forgiveness and understanding of their weaknesses acts as a model to us.

When we read the New Testament letters, it is clear that the authors had beloved partners in the gospel and dear friends (e.g., Rom 16:1-16, Philemon 1, 3 John 1). McLaughlin suggests that our closest friendships should not be about shared desire for time and fun together, but rather be gospel-spreading partnerships, where we spur one another on, have each other’s backs and care for each other in our pain. Many have experienced deep friendships with others because of shared mission or ministry service together.

I appreciated the reminder here that therefore, “we must be willing to express our deep attachment to beloved friends while also being willing to support them in the work God puts before them - even if it takes them away from us” (p. 61) This puts into words the deep sadness when ministry-minded friends leave, yet concurrent joy about their new path.

McLaughlin challenges the concept of the inner circle of friendships, ones that exclude others, in two ways. The first is that as Christians we turn towards those who are left out. We use the energy we gain from the close friendships that refresh us, to enable us to continue to welcome the lonely and unloved. The second is to consider relationships that care for others and their needs as chain mail (armour), rather than concentric circles. In this analogy, everyone is connected to numerous other people, and all are connected through each other. I found this idea incredibly freeing, for in a Christian community, I do not have to (nor can I ) meet the needs of all around me, but together we can make sure that everyone is included.

True friendship is that which encourages us, pushes us, and corrects us: 

“Friends need to know us well enough to be gentle in the places where we need gentleness and to challenge us in the places where we need correction.” (93)

“Delightfully in God's great kindness Christian friendship isn't just a diagnostic tool – it's also therapeutic. I don't just need my friends to tell me when I need to walk away from sin. I also need their arms around me when I've made that turn.” (96)

Some diagnostic questions throughout were very helpful. Do I encourage and exhort my friends: in their walk with God, in their marriage or singleness, as parents, in their workplaces, and their evangelism? Do we spur each other on, or pull each other back?

McLaughlin then explores how the differences between marriage and friendship make them vital to the health of both. There is a great chapter on male and female friendships, which addresses the challenges and opportunities they present, as well as single-sex friendships for those who are same-sex attracted. There was wise counsel here, with an awareness of individual preferences and personalities and ways to approach all friendships with sensible boundaries. In the end, whoever we are, we seek to love others with a sibling bond, caring for them and honouring them: “It’s vital as believers that we know ourselves and one another well enough to know what true love looks like in a friendship – whether with a man or with a woman” (130). 

When considering friendship with non-Christians, McLaughlin encourages hospitality, and attentive listening in areas that we disagree, for “they may be just as well-thought-out and driven by desire for good as we are” (133). While we will not worship their god/gods or expect them to live by Christian ethics, we can put aside our cultural differences, try to understand, and show love. Ultimately, we also long for them to love Jesus.

I only had a few minor quibbles. For me, there were too many Lord of the Rings references, and perhaps a few too many illustrations that weren’t essential to the point. This is very minor though. Overall, McLaughlin has very helpfully laid out a framework of Christian friendship that allows us to assess our current friendships, as well as to strive for friendships that are gospel-focused as they seek to love, encourage, and challenge one another.

Just Be Honest

Just Be Honest: How to Worship through Tears and Pray without Pretending, Clint Watkins (Good Book Company, 2024)

When suffering or deep pain strikes, how do you respond? Or, more to the point, how do you think you should respond as a Christian?

For many, we suspect we are supposed to push on, finding ways to rejoice and be thankful. We think we’re meant to declare God’s goodness and sovereignty, but in this awful situation we can’t see how God is good or could allow this to happen. We feel we should pray polite prayers for God to help us, yet our hearts are crying out, “Why me, God?” We gather with God’s people and sing triumphant choruses, but our souls are aching, wondering why there are no words to express the pain of this dark valley. Church can be a hard place to be, for “spiritual positivity dominates the landscape” and people “wrap up their stories of suffering with lessons and silver linings” (17).

Grief. Loss. Pain. Heartache. Despair. Are we allowed to express such emotions? In Just Be Honest, Clint Watkins asked these same questions amid the searing pain of losing his infant son, Eli:

I’ve never had such intense conflict with the Lord in that season. I still believed he was sovereign and good. But his good promises felt hollow and his sovereign plan seemed harsh … how could I find refuge in the one who had the power to heal my son, but chose not to? It was not well with my soul. (16)

He invites us to rediscover the language and practice of lament, which “was how sufferers in the Bible struggled in their tension between their pain and God’s promises” (18). Scripture is full of people who struggle with depression, despair and doubt, and bring their questions and uncertainties to the Lord. Think of Hannah praying bitterly over her infertility (1 Sam 1:10), Mary accusing Jesus of not saving Lazarus (Jn 11:32), or Paul’s unceasing anguish for others (Rom 9:2). Lamentations is the corporate grief of a nation in exile. Many Psalms detail the pain of their authors and their complaints to God (Psalm 13:1; 55:2; 142:2).

Jesus Knows Pain

Even more than the model of the saints in Scripture, we have the model of Jesus.

Jesus wept at Lazarus’ death. Watkins highlights that Jesus’ tears were unnecessary; he knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He didn’t need to grieve, but he slowed down and felt the pain of loss for himself and others.

Jesus wrestled with God before his own death with loud cries and tears (Heb 5:8) and was greatly distressed and troubled (Mk 14:33). On the cross, he cried out asking why God had forsaken him (Mk 15:34).

We are also allowed to question, weep, and mourn. But we don’t just respond like Jesus, we also respond alongside Jesus. He is with us:

And God will wait for you patiently, listen to you tearfully, and sustain you graciously, even as your prayers to him end in exclamation points and question marks. (48)

Learn to Lament

Watkins explores biblical lament and uses it to develop a framework of lament with four elements: 1) explained pain; 2) expressed protest; 3) earnest petition; and 4) eventual praise.

While we petition the Lord and we regularly praise him, explaining our pain to God and expressing our protest at him are often missing in our Western Christian climate. I wonder if we know that the Psalmists do it, but deep down we wonder—are we really allowed to do the same? It just seems risky. Therefore, Watkins’ exploration of the difference between grumbling and lament is very helpful. Lament is telling our troubles to God, whereas grumbling has three opposing characteristics. Firstly, you aren’t talking to God, only to others or yourself. Secondly, grumblers never get past the complaints, but lamenters fight to move beyond pain and protest to petition and praise. Finally, grumblers tend to walk away from the Lord, yet lamenters still seek him amidst their pain and confusion.

When we get this wrong and our lament turns to grumbling, we have the wonderful comfort of the Lord’s grace and mercy. He forgives our errors and continues to walk alongside us:

Suffering may cause you to entertain dark questions about the Lord. You might even say foolish things that you will one day regret and repent of. But God’s compassion does not depend on your ability to struggle perfectly … and if you cross the line, remember the cross. God covers your groans in grace. (80)

Walking Alongside Others

Watkins urges honesty with each other about our struggles and suggests adding lament into our corporate worship. This includes the songs we sing, but also how we preach about challenges and lead prayers and services. Let’s speak in ways that give permission to voice pain, confusion, and questions, and still lead people to Jesus as the source of all comfort.

He encourages allowing others to lament with us. We try to share honestly, wisely (perhaps with only a few in depth), and with hope. For those who walk alongside people in deep pain, we bear their burdens. Allow people to explain their pain and express their protest at God. Be okay with the theological tension. Let them sit in the confusion and uncertainty of what God is doing. Ask them how we can petition God for them. Help them walk towards praise.


Some books about pain and suffering are meant to prepare readers for future suffering, rather than intended for those who are in the midst of pain. However, I would offer Just Be Honest to someone in the middle of their own anguish. One possible limitation is how entwined the content is with Watkins’ own story. It fleshes out his content with personal experience, but it is only his own experience that is explored. The inclusion of other stories of different pain and loss may have helped readers find application in different circumstances. It may also be that Watkins’ r

aw and open emotion may be too confronting for those who are unable or unwilling to express pain or emotion. However, it could also be the catalyst that enables honest processing with God and others.

Watkins’ compassionate tone, biblical foundation, and clear understanding of pain and lament will help many to express their pain and protest and petition to the Lord, and God-willing, lead them to eventual praise.

This review was first published on TGCA.
I was given a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.