Daughters-in-Law

Daughters-in-Law, Joanna Trollope

I have heard of Joanna Trollope for years, but never read any of her books. This one was a good one to start with (I think it may be her most recent). Trollope has relayed very well the challenges of relating as adults in an extended family.

Daughters-in-Law tells of Rachel & Anthony, empty nesters with 3 adult sons, all married. Rachel has been a very involved mother, and is finding the reality of her sons' attentions and primary affections focused elsewhere hard to manage. While at times she behaves quite badly, you have sympathy for her and also for her sons and daughters-in-law as they navigate adult relationships with their parents.

I have known some very intense mothers-in-law over the years who have really struggled to 'hand over' their sons (not mine - she's lovely!) and it seems to be a common feature that many women really do not believe any daughter-in-law can truly be good enough for their son. This book portrays that tension very well, yet also lets us see how hard it can be for a mother (especially a full-time stay at home mum) to really let go and move into a different, more 'hands-off' stage of life.

Even though it's fiction, it might be helpful reading for some who find this mother-in-law / child-in-law relationship a little tricky - and, let's be serious - who doesn't sometimes?!



I ended getting some more Joanna Trollope books out of the library, I'll let you know what they are like too, and I am definitely planning to get The Rector's Wife!

The Household Guide to Dying

The Household Guide to Dying, Debra Adelaide

I have just finished this book, and it was wonderful.

Not the easiest topic to read about, but a fantastic book nonetheless. Delia Bennet is a wife, mother of 2 girls and author of many Household Guides (to the Laundry, to the Kitchen). When she reaches the stage of terminal cancer, she realises that the next book she writes will be her last:

After the second operation and the third diagnosis, as I resigned myself to the fact that the latest Household Guide I'd written would be my last... I conceived in a flash the best idea ever, I didn't have to abandon the Household Guides at all. I rang Nancy...

Think of the title, I said. How catchy does The Household Guide to Dying sound?

The novel runs two concurrent stories - one the final months of Delia's life in her home with her family as she writes her book and prepares for death; and the other as she travels to far North Queensland to farewell a previous life and tragedy that met her there.

A warning to anyone currently grieving a loved one, or facing death or cancer themselves - it may be just too confronting.

However, I have to say I loved the writing, the story was intriguing, and it really was an excellent read.

Catechism update

A month ago I shared some catechisms that we were considering using as a family. We were starting to teach them to the children and so I had adapted some simplified versions for children.

One month in and I have made some changes, so I thought I'd tell you about them as some readers were interested in the catechism idea also.

1. We have started working through Training Hearts, Teaching Minds, by Starr Meade (mentioned previously). She has created a set of weekly devotions around each question of the Westminster Shorter Catechism in Modern English.

We read it with Mr 8 and Miss 6 at the end of the day, and we are all enjoying it and learning lots. Each daily reading takes 5-10 mins to read and talk about, so it's very manageable.

To go alongside it, I have produced a document of just the questions and answers as she has them (in modern English), which is quite manageable. Mr 8's goal is to learn them as we go through - at the rate of 1 per week, he should be fine.


2. I realised my previous Family Catechism with all it's 146 questions was way too complicated for younger ones. Not only that it had some emphases I wasn't happy with. Maybe I am more Anglican than I thought!?

As we are going to work through Training Hearts, Teaching Minds with them all once they can handle it, they didn't need to get into all the details of the commandments, etc, at this stage.

However, I still like the idea and having started to learn some of it, I realised what they were capable of when the language was simpler and more familiar.

So in a burst of energy I have created a Simple Family Catechism. It is only 60 questions, and I think it represents some of the main things I want the kids to learn at this stage, keeping the general format of the Shorter Catechism as the guide.

I would love to know what you think of it.

No more needles

We have reached the end of childhood vaccinations in this house.

All those needles at 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, 18 months and 4 years are now completed.

Miss 4 had her last ones last week. I think the four year ones are the worst, because once they get one, they really know what is coming for the second one.

And for the first time of all of them, I cried too. Don't think it was nostalgia, but rather sympathy... some parts of childhood you are happy to complete.

Grief

Many of you will know or know of Nathan Tasker, singer songwriter. He and his wife Cassie recently lost their dear twin babies at 21 weeks. Nathan and Cassie have both blogged about their loss and grief, and Nathan did a recent radio interview on The Open House Program.

I don't refer to this to create spectators for their grief, but rather for those who have suffered similar griefs who might find it helpful. (And I have only chosen to do so, because they have decided to made their news public).

There are many couples who grieve the loss of their babies, and knowing that you are not alone can be a help along the way. In the radio interview, Nathan speaks of how the Christian community has helped them in these early weeks and how that has helped to sustain them, and how even though they do not understand why God has allowed this to happen, they continue to turn to him for answers and support.

We have known many people over the years who have lost babies. One friend told me (15 years after) that,

"It hurts like hell for 10 years, then it starts to ease."

When I mentioned this to others in similar situations, they have acknowledged such a statement to be true.

I say this, both for those who grieve - to know that it will hurt for a long time; and for those of us who support friends through such a loss - we need to be a support for the long haul.

***

For those looking for other personal journeys through such a time, Molly Piper's blog is well worth reading.

The Hiding Place

The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom with John and Elizabeth Sherill

This audiobook has accompanied me through 9.5 hours of exercise over the last few weeks. I loved every minute of it.

Many have already read The Hiding Place, but if you haven't - I highly recommend it. It is an autobiography by Corrie Ten Boom of her childhood and family life in Holland in the early 20th century, and then of the invasion of Holland by Germany in WWII. She and her family led the resistance movement in their town, including hiding many Jews in their home. Eventually, she and her sister (in their 50s) and her father (in his 80s) were arrested and imprisoned. She was later transferred to a German concentration camp.

It's a story with devastating power, about how humankind can be so sinful, and also so gracious. So cruel and so kind. But much more than that, it tells of a family's dependent reliance on God for all things, and their trust in him no matter what.

It's not an easy read (in terms of content), but one that all Christians should read, especially those who think history isn't worth bothering with.

Captain America

We were lucky enough to have a date night on Saturday night, thanks to Husband's mum visiting, so we went to dinner and a movie.

We saw Captain America - The First Avenger, another in a line of Marvel comics which have been turned into movies. We also saw Thor earlier this year. I really like them - I quite like blockbuster movies: all action but no gore, no swearing, mild romance, completely unrealistic, etc.

Thor was probably funnier, but Captain America was good too, and Hugo Weaving is a very good evil villain.

At the end there was a trailer for next year's movie - The Avengers, which brings the characters all together - so now we need to see Iron Man on DVD as well. We so rarely go to the movies, it's a nice treat when it happens - especially when we both actually want to see the movie.

Bring on the blockbuster, I say.

One-to-one bible reading

One-to-One Bible Reading, David Helm

This is an excellent little resource for those who would like to read the bible with someone but just don’t really know where to start. It is appropriate for any person you might meet with: non-Christian, new-Christian, or committed Christian.

Here are words from Helm we all need to hear:

the greatest hindrance to inviting someone to read one-to-one will be an unbiblical view that you are not ready for this. You will tell yourself you haven’t been properly trained, or simply don’t know enough about the bible to help another person along the way. In fact, you may even try to convince yourself that someone should be initiating reading the bible one-to-one with you, rather than you initiating it with another person. It’s a tempting thought.

But it’s also not true.

Any committed Christian is capable of initiating a good conversation on a biblical text. (p24, emphasis mine)

However, the truth is, many of us are just too scared to try. This book is what you need to give you some help. Part 1 covers the basics of what to do in one-to-one bible reading, why to do it and how to go about it.

Part 2 gives some methods on how to actually read the bible with someone, and some guidelines. He introduces both the Swedish method and the COMA method of bible reading, with the clearest explanations of both that I have read.

Then, comes the material that is invaluable for those starting out - there are suggested books of the bible (divided up into sections) for different people (non-Christians, new Christians, etc). There are whole sets of questions for different types of literature (gospels, OT narrative, prophetic, wisdom, epistles, etc). Then there is a set of 8 studies working through Marks’ gospel - perfect to start with an unbeliever. All of these are even reproduced again at the back of the book as photocopyable sheets. You can also download them.

I think this should be standard reading for all committed Christians, especially bible study leaders, youth group leaders, etc. Give them out this year as Christmas presents!

Not quite yet

I had a great interaction with a school mum today, which made me realise we are like-minded.

Today is Miss 4's birthday, and this mum (of a 5-yr old boy and 2-yr old twin boys) asked if she was turning 5? I said, no, 4.

She said in a resigned voice: "bugger".
(for non-Australian readers - this would be 'bummer' or 'shame', said with emphasis!)

I laughed out loud. It was such a classic response from a parent who is happy to see her kids get older and looks forward to them being school age. We had a good laugh about it. I realise I have a kindred spirit in her now!

A hint of spring

After a very cold and wet winter, it's lovely to see the beginnings of spring around the place. every year I am surprised by how early our almond tree blossoms, it started last weekend, with it's gorgeous white flowers:


And the beginnings of new leaves:


One week later, it is covered in new growth, and our backyard begins yet again to look less bare.

Also, my favourite trees in all Adelaide are blossoming - the pink ones (I have no idea what they are, someone could surely enlighten me?)


Spring is surely one of the best times in this city.

Boundaries with Kids

Boundaries with Kids, Dr Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

To date I have avoided the juggernaut that are the Boundaries books by Cloud and Townsend. However having realised it's a continuous bestseller and having read another book by them (Raising Great Kids: Parenting with Grace and Truth) some years ago - I thought it was time to give it a try.

I was pleasantly surprised. There is nothing particularly new in it and the concept of boundaries with children is definitely not one that is foreign to me as a parent. However, it was helpful in many ways.

The bulk of the book outlines 10 areas where children need to learn, these include: consequences, responsibility, respect, motivation, evaluation and honesty. All of these are couched in boundary language and it's all common sense stuff. If you were struggling to manage your children, either young or older, there would be lots in here that would be valuable. It also teaches parents how to manage themselves with their children - in essence, how to choose to be an in-control parent.

So, all in all, a helpful, sensible book from a Christian perspective. Another one to add to the growing collection!

Resource request

Blog readers - I am after a resource.

Do you know of any books dealing with the challenges of parenting with shared custody arrangements?

I would like something from a Christian perspective, especially if there is wisdom on managing shared parenting between a Christian and a non-Christian. However, if there is sensible material from a non-Christian perspective, that would be helpful too.

Feel free to either comment or send me an email.

Thanks.

Triple Zero Kid's Challenge

I came across a great website recently, thanks to our neighbourhood watch newsletter.

The emergency services across Australia have created a Triple Zero Website for children. It's a set of cartoon scenarios which require either police, fire, or ambulance help. It helps kids (kindy and primary schoolers) know what to do in an emergency.

I'm what I call a 'catastrophiser'. I tend to imagine the worst. So I have wondered what would happen if there was an emergency in the house - would the kids know what to do? I even used to wonder if you could ring 000 just to have a practice (but knew we better not).

This website shows kids what counts as an emergency, when to ring 000 and what to say. Even I found it helpful and when I had reason to call 000 for the fire department recently, I knew how the phone conversation would go and I was ready for it.

I think it has sunk in for the kids too, as after we played on the website, they created an emergency game outside, calling 000, asking for fire, or police or ambulance and explaining the situation to each other over the 'phone'.

That was time well spent online.

Reference from Chris's update

If you are clicking across from Chris's 10am newsletter this week, the reference for teaching doctrine to your children is this one: Teaching the Faith - resources.


(Apologies to readers not from my church - this post will make no sense!)

Teaching the faith - resources

On Monday I talked about using a catechism to teach our children the faith.

I have come across a book which helps us to do exactly that.

Training Hearts, Teaching Minds by Starr Meade is a book of family devotions based on the Shorter Catechism.

She has arranged 6 daily devotions around each of the 107 questions of the Shorter Catechism (which she has adapted into more modern, accessible language). If you do it with her timetable it will take 2 years. However, I imagine it's the type of resource you use in bits and pieces. Perhaps you decide the first 20 questions are your goal for this year, or something like that.

Because the language is so accessible, you could also make this version your 'family catechism' and learn one per week and talk about it at the same time. We may indeed switch to that at some point.

We have not started this book yet, but once we have a bit more of our family catechism under way - we will stop and work on some of them in detail for a while, possibly with just the older children. I'll let you know how we go!


Another resource, along the same line is Bruce Ware's Big Truths for Young Hearts: Teaching and Learning the Greatness of God. Ware is professor of Christian Theology at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. When his daughters were young, he would sit with them at night and teach them the same material (yet simplified) that he he was teaching his students.

He has turned those times into this book. There are 3-4 pages per topic, covering topics (which are all broken into smaller sections) such as:

- God's word and who God is
- God as three in one
- God is creator and ruler of all
- our human nature and sin
- the person and work of Jesus Christ
- the Holy Spirit, etc, etc

It is essentially a doctrine course for children and youth. Having looked through it (although we haven't used it ourselves yet) - it seems appropriate to read and explain to primary-schoolers or perhaps something you could give to a teenager. My guess is that parents would learn a massive amount from reading it too! It looks like exactly what we learnt at bible college, but in much more manageable language.

Does anyone else know of any resources that help teach the faith to children?

Catechism

I said on Friday that we have decided to teach our children more pro-actively about our faith.

A few weeks ago I reviewed a book which planted in my mind the idea of teaching our children a catechism. This was fortuitously followed by a conversation with a friend who has started doing the same with her family, and then another with a friend who was taught it as a child.

A catechism is a method of teaching using questions and answers which are learnt.

One of the well known catechisms of the reformed Christian tradition in the Westminster Shorter Catechism. Shorter being relative and in comparison to it's longer sister. It still consists of 107 questions with full scripture references in the answers, the first one of which you may have heard before:

What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

Some clever souls have devised simplified versions for children: I have found the Catechism for Young Children and The First Catechism. They are both similar, but do have slightly different emphases. So I have compared them both and made our own. If you would like to have a look - you can view it here.*

I realise it doesn't look that much simpler - there are 146 questions. However, it's a long term project. I expect it will take a few years, assuming times of learning and some breaks.

At the moment we are aiming to learn (memorise) 5 questions a week.** So far so good, and the kids are loving it. They question me, they question each other and we are learning the answers together. (each has their own laminated copy to read)

On the first night we did it they were so excited and keen we talked about and started learning the first 8 questions:

1. Who made you?
God.

2. What else did God make?
God made all things.

3. Why did God make you and all things?
For his own glory.

4. How can you glorify God?
By loving him and doing what he commands.

5. Why are you to glorify God?
Because he made me and takes care of me.

6. Is there more than one true God?
No. There is only one true God.

7. In how many Persons does this one God exist?
In three Persons.

8. Name these three Persons.
The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

There is a huge amount in just that! Number 3 was a great one to talk about: Why did make you?
- Was it because he needs you? No.
- Because he wanted you in his image? No.
- Why? For his own glory.

What a great lesson we self-centred humans need to learn - the sooner the better. It is a great joy to hear my almost 4 year old sing out 'For his own glory!'.

I'll show you a few other resources for teaching the faith on Friday.



* As with any prepared material, there is some you will agree and disagree with. As we go through it, I am already modifying a few of the questions and answers - either to simplify the language, or to further clarify the answer.

** They have been so keen we actually learnt 35 in the first 10 days or so, so it might not take as long as I thought!

Teaching the faith

The realisation that I am already doing my ideal job, combined with some recent reading, has again convinced me that as parents we are the ones responsible (under God) for teaching our children about the Christian faith.

My primary job is to raise our 3 children to know and love Jesus. Of course, how they respond to that in their own time will be up to God choosing to convince them and them responding to him.

If I am too busy with other commitments to do this well, I am making unhelpful choices for our family. It's been a helpful reminder to me as I take on talks, seminars, catch-ups with other women, etc - all good things, but still not my primary role.

Also, while I am extremely grateful for those that teach our children in their programs at church, it would be irresponsible of me to assume that what they are taught there is all they need to know. Could you become adequately educated about the bible and matters of faith with ~1 hour input per week?

It is our job to teach our children the faith.

Part of this is by modelling it. (I have talked about this in a previous series)

But I am more and more convinced that it is also about actively teaching it.

Over the last 8 years, in our family the teaching has been based around reading the bible to the children at their appropriate stage, talking about it and explaining it where necessary.

It is becoming clear that they know all the stories in the children's bibles. Of course they continue to learn from them and we will always ensure that bible reading and some study of the bible is part of their daily routine.

Now, however, we are turning to the bigger picture. We want to teach them a Christian framework. We want them to grow up thinking as Christians and from God's point of view. To that end, we are now turning to more actively teaching them about God and the faith.

On Monday, I'll tell you how we have started.

My ideal job

I was part of a conversation recently where someone asked me what my ideal job would be.

I stopped and thought.

You know what my answer was?

"What I am doing now".

It even surprised me a little. Previously when someone has asked me that, I have articulated what I would want to do if I had to work.

However, I realised in those few brief seconds when I stopped to think of an answer - I am doing what I want to do.

I am wife to a wonderful man.
I am mother to three children whom I love and adore, and I have the privilege of raising them and teaching them the things of God.
We are involved in ministry and serving God's people.
I do not have to work and to this point have chosen not to.

For me, all of these things are a marvellous blessing.

Of course these things are not what is required to be content with what God has given us. We can find joy and contentment in many of life's circumstances.

Whenever I find things hard, I remember my answer to her question, and give thanks that God has put me where I am and that it's where I want to be.

Fiction - The Land of Painted Caves

The Land of Painted Caves, Jean M. Auel

This book has been waiting on my shelf for months - for when I had enough time to read it. Our little break a few weeks ago was the perfect opportunity.

It came with extremely high expectations. Jean Auel published The Clan of the Cave Bear, the first in this Earth's Children Series, in 1980. While I did not read it that year, being a pre-schooler at the time, I was introduced to it by my mother when at highschool. I loved it. It's a fantastic story of ice-age times (~30,000 years ago) where Ayla, a Cro-Magnon (modern human) girl who lost her family in an earthquake is adopted by a Neanderthal tribe ('cave-men').

Auel has gone on over these last 30 years to produce 6 books in the series, the rest of which detail Ayla heading out on her own and meeting her own people. There is a love story drawn in, which spans the rest of the 5 books. In this way, it's very similar to the extent of Diana Gabaldon's books - they cover the character's lifetime.

What I have love about these books is that they make this period of world history come alive. Auel does huge amounts of research and manages to include many details of how life could have been like then: early settlements, animals, food sources, hunting, plants, medicine and the way many potential inventions and discoveries may have come about (eg. making fire from flint).

I liked it, it finished the series for me, which as I have said, I have been reading for 20 years. However, I don't think the last 2 books were as good as the first 4. I suspect that Auel's true skill is in research and understanding those times, not so much as turning them into fiction. She seems to want to impart every detail of research which explains why the books, especially #4-6, are so long. In this latest book, The Land of The Painted Caves, there are meticulous details given to numerous ancient cave paintings throughout France - interesting for a while, but then increasingly tedious. Whereas in the first 3 books, her research enhanced the books, I felt that by this one, the fiction was just a mode to pass on all the information she had gathered.

Also, in books 2-3 there was real intensity to the relationship between Ayla and Jondalar (to the extent that I always feel I should warn people about the intimate scenes in them). By this last book, it was not emphasised nearly as much. I felt it wasn't so much the characters that had changed (as only about 5 years had passed for them), but rather that ~25 years have passed in the author's life.

Having said all that - I still really enjoyed it - it was a fitting end to a great series, which has shaped my whole reading life to date. The Clan of the Cave Bear was one of the first adult books I ever read, and I will continue to read and re-read them, as I do with all my favourite books.

Family Driven Faith

Family Driven Faith, Voddie Baucham Jr

Sometimes you read a book that it makes you uncomfortable on several levels, but it also intrigues you - this was that book for me.

As I said last week, I am reading a few more parenting books at the moment, and after reviewing Revolutionary Parenting, this seemed like the obvious next choice.

Family Driven Faith is subtitled: Doing what it takes to raise sons and daughters who walk with God, and therefore it seemed like a pretty good choice on the book shelf at the shop.

I will get some concerns out of the way first. If you tend to get your back up over any of the following issues, this book may not be for you:

• a strong encouragement to home-school
• a strong message that we should be having more children rather than less
  
• the family-integrated church movement* (which was a totally new concept to me, I had never heard of it)

Like many parenting books from the USA, it is very American - a comment I think my Australian readers understand. I think he is also a Southern Baptist (which in summary I think means reformed and quite conservative). Which means, in essence, that just like any other reformed and conservative Christians - there will be things you agree with and things you don't.


Having said that, this book still had a lot to offer. It made me think again about our decisions and why we do them. It made me re-consider our priorities with the children and how we actively choose to disciple them. Here are some things that were helpful.

1. The reminder that the role of discipling children is the responsibility of parents. It is not something we can outsource to the church, no matter how good the children's programs or youth groups are.

2. The idea of having family worship time, both structured and unstructured, which teach children the things of God. This included the idea of 'catechising' the children, or working through a catechism (a form of questions and answers for learning) about the faith. (More on that coming in a later post).

3. That we do need to think critically about how our children are educated and what worldviews they are being taught (and what we want them to be taught).


If you are interested in being challenged to think about how you disciple your children and what your priorities are - read this book. Even if is makes you uncomfortable at times.

However, as you read - remember that we serve a God of wondrous grace, who loves our children more than we do and can use many ways to bring them to him, including faithful Sunday School teachers, youth group leaders, teachers, and of course, parents.



* From what I can ascertain, the Family-integrated church movement suggests churches should not be segregated according to age, all children should be with parents (no creche, Sunday school, etc). In fact, the feeling was that such segregation is detrimental to children, especially youth, therefore he was also very anti youth groups. In essence, parents (especially fathers) should be taught to lead and teach their families themselves.

Revolutionary Parenting

Revolutionary parenting, George Barna

I thought I was having a break from parenting books, but a request for input combined with a trip to Koorong drove me to the ‘parenting shelves’ and now I have made another few purchases.

First one I read was Revolutionary Parenting by George Barna. It’s a short book to read ~150 pgs and it only takes about 2 hours, but it packs a punch which I am still thinking through.

Barna’s premise is that we are over-saturated with parenting books, however none are based on objective research. Rather virtually everything we read on parenting is someone’s opinion, assumptions, observations or experience. He set out to change that. He is founder of the Barna Group, a research organization focused on the intersection of faith and culture. What they have done is survey, research and interview people who he terms ‘spiritual champions’; and their parents, whom he terms ‘revolutionary parents’. ‘Spiritual champions’ are

individuals who have embraced Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord; accept the Bible as truth and as the guide for life; and seek to live in obedience to it’s principles and in search of ways to continually deepen their relationship with God. (xvi)

He goes on to further expound how they might look:

• they possess a biblical worldview that affects decision making, including the fact that there are moral absolutes
• they believe they have been created by God to serve Him
• they believe that our lives should reflect the character of God
• they carefully screen the media they ingest
• they have a deep and intense commitment to their relationship with God and other Christians
• they strive to change the world in small but life-impacting ways

The book is then divided into 3 sections. The first section describes the crisis in parenting (in an American context). The second details the research and the third summarises some bible teaching and a way forward (I thought this third section was the weakest).

The second section which details the research and its results, and is by far the bulk of the book, is excellent. Barna has divided it up into chapters which address all aspects of parenting, and how being a ‘revolutionary parent’ can affect real change in our children, helping them to become spiritual champions. He addresses character, discipline, roles of a parent, planning as a parent, faith and how we teach it, and many other aspects.

Personally, I found it very helpful. It made me stop and think again about the choices we have made and continue to make for our children. It gave me confidence that some of the decisions we have already made were good and that we should stand firm in them, despite what others may think. It also made me think again about what the most important things are that we want to teach our children and to keep trying to keep them at the forefront of our minds and planning. These are primarily the matters of faith we want to teach our children, and the way we want to do so.

However, I suspect this book also (like any parenting book) has the ability to cause doubts, despair and guilt. Because it’s research that’s being presented, it is quite dry and then quite directive. He draws direct links between this is what they did and it worked, therefore you should do the same. As a result, many who are already a little way in to this whole parenting thing could just end up feeling inadequate and guilty for what they have not done with their children.

Having said that, the overriding message of the book is: you can do this. You can parent your children this way. He also gives two very helpful and important reminders along the way.

1. Many parents they spoke to did not have an upbringing that prepared them to be spiritual champions, and many are not ‘superstar’ Christians today. This is immensely relieving! What those parents decided however was that the greatest gift they could give their children was a sound upbringing based on biblical principles. (p30)

2. We cannot control the outcome of our parenting. Our responsibility is the obedient to God in raising our children, but the outcomes are up to him. (p24). This is incredibly freeing! All we can do is continue to be faithful, and trust God with the outcome.


It’s a book well worth reading. If you are willing to be challenged about what your parenting priorities are in raising children who will love the Lord Jesus, add it to your parenting book collection – it will get you thinking about how you want to do so.

for men only

for men only, Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn

Last year I did a series on the book for women only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. I though it was a very helpful book giving insight for women about the man they love. It addressed the way men think and respond to us as women, focusing on the relationship between a husband and wife.

Husband and I have now gotten around to reading for men only and we both though it was just as helpful. It helps to explain women (generally of course), but has observations and insight that many men will find helpful. The topics generally match those in for women only, but explain the female perspective to the male reader. These include:

• that she has an underlying insecurity about the steadfastness of his love, which means she needs him to reassure her of his love.
• how she thinks - like a computer with lots of windows open and running - many often with feeling attached to them. Sometimes she cannot control which thoughts dominate over other ones
• she wants emotional security much more than financial security, although few men truly believe this
• she often really does just want him to listen, not fix it
• if her desire for sex is less that his, it is likely nothing to do with him, but rather how she is made. That is, it is not because she doesn't find him desirable.
• she needs to know he thinks she's beautiful and has eyes only for her

Reading it from a female perspective, I thought it had some good points.  Husband found it helpful to clarify some things I have been trying to explain for years.

I think these books would be good reading for any couple. But you have to be willing to talk about the issues raised. No point deciding 'all women' or 'all men' are like this if you or your spouse aren't. As we read both books, what we were really interested in was the answer to 'is this true for you?'

Worth reading, especially in those early years of marriage, when you are really are still trying to figure each other out!

Benefits of literacy

I love it when my children learn to read and write. For my daughter, who would talk all the time if she could, it has opened up a whole new way to communicate with me.

This is the type of note that now greets me in the bathroom.

Can't underestimate the benefits of literacy, you might even get your hair done the way you like!

Explore

Explore

This is the Good Book Company's devotional material for adults. I have only just started it in the last few months, having been sent a promotional copy with an order.

So far I am pretty impressed. It has been enough to easily manage in one sitting, but yet still enough to make you think. A couple of the studies have stuck in my mind for days, which shows I have really learnt something.

I have just ordered a subscription for a year. I'll let you know how it goes!

XTB

XTB

Moving up in age from Beginning with God material, we come to XTB.*

XTB is marketed for 7-10 year-olds. We have found it's perfect to start using whenever a child is a relatively competent reader. When our son started using this material, he just did it on his own and we asked him about it after. Now our daughter (6) has just started using it, and one of us sits down to do it with her every night. She can follow the instructions, loves filling in the activities, and can either follow along when we read the bible passage or she can try to read it herself. It's become a lovely way to end the day together.

Our 8-year old son is still doing XTB as well, he is up to Volume 7 or 8 and has declared he wants to finish them all before he moves on (there are 12 volumes to date).

XTB also have specific material for Christmas: Christmas Unpacked, and Easter: Easter Unscrambled, as well as a summer holiday version: Summer Signposts. All 3 of these combine XTB and Table Talk material (See *below) in the one booklet. We have used both the Christmas and Easter material and are very happy with them. We may just keep ordering new booklets for each year.

To see some sample pages of material, go via here.

* Actually there is a resource in the middle called 'Table Talk', which is suitable for families with children from age 4 or 5, but we have gone with the individual age-appropriate ones for our children. It just seems to work better for us at the moment. I know many families who use 'Table Talk' and it works well for them.

5 books that changed who I am: meme

Nicole tagged me in a meme, started by Ally. To play along, I need to share five books that changed who I am. Rules are:

• Tag between 3 and 5 people
• link back to this post.
• call the post '5 books that changed who I am'
• enjoy.

I agree with Nicole, I really struggled to narrow it to 5.


1. The Bible - completely transformed my life with God's gracious offer of salvation through Jesus Christ, and continues to do so. It was the book of James from which I was converted and it still holds a special place in my heart.


2. Praying the Scriptures for your children, Jodie Bernt. This book helped me to think about better ways to pray and how to pray straight from the bible. It changed my whole prayer life.



3. The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness, Tim Chester. This is a recent addition and it has really helped me at what I would categorise to be 'an extremely busy life stage'. I have had many misconceptions about the reasons for my own busyness torn down, and I still trying to think through much of it and how I need to deal with a tendency to overcommit for sinful reasons. (I recently blogged through this one in detail on in tandem).


4. Operation World, Jason Mandryk. While I don't read and pray from this nearly as often as I would like, I love what this book does. It's a prayer guide that covers every nation and contains a wealth of information to help you pray for the people of the world intelligently and informatively. It will broaden your horizons and make you realise how big God is, how large his church, and how small you are in comparison.


5. And for fiction, I can hardly choose. To sneak in a few extra titles, in the past year I have absolutely loved The Book Thief and The Time Traveller's Wife. However, for a series of books that I love and are my 'comfort' books - I read them when I need a break - I can't go past Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series. They combine history, romance and a wonderful story of an entire marriage. If only she would finish the 8th in the series soon!


I am going to break the rules at this point, and not really tag anyone, but if you want to continue go for it. However, I do know 3 bloggers who are big book fans, so perhaps Meredith, Tamie or Jenny might be up for it? No pressure though...it is a little like a chain letter!

Grief just is

Following on from yesterday's reference to Sarie's blog, there is another great article there by Narelle Jarrett on the grief of singleness. Here is an extract:

Grief demands to be recognized and allowed to be what it is - an uncontrollable emotional response - sadness - in the experience of a great loss.

No one chooses grief - it just is.
It sweeps across us unexpectedly, it catches us by surprise and it refuses to disappear just because we want it to.

It demands acknowledgement, it demands that we pay attention. That is why it is so cruel when we are called to 'trust God and get on with serving'.... In most instances we are in fact already doing just that...

Because the griefs of singleness and of not having children are so deep, so real and so totally right, they can't be dismissed or dealt with by anything other than allowing ourselves to grieve. Grieving with the friends who understand and who don't imply we are being self centred or self-pitying or even that we're doubting God's goodness. Such hurtful and totally inappropriate, even cruel responses to women and men in grief, do not help. In fact they add to the isolation and loneliness of grief.

It's a good, honest article, which many of us would benefit from. Read the whole post here.

Fruitful children

I was honoured to be a guest blogger last week. Sarie invited me to submit a piece for her blog Complementarity and Culture for her series on complementarity and family. She asked for a piece of Scripture which has affected our marriage or parenting. I chose Galatians 5:22-23 and it's impact on our family.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

I have always loved this verse, since my early days in the faith – it seemed to cover all aspects of the Christian life. It was a goal to aim for, even if I knew I failed. Now, as a parent, I find these descriptions now on my tongue, more than they ever were before.

Since the children were born, my regular prayer point – both for my own personal prayer, and for anyone who prays for me – was that I would be more a patient, kind and gentle mother. This is from someone, who at one point, would have thought she really was a rather patient, kind and gentle person! Boy, did having children ever cure me of that delusion!

If you would like to read the rest, click over to Sarie's post.

Beginning with God

Beginning with God

For the next few weeks I am going to review some bible reading material for different age groups. I have been a fan of the The Good Book Company material for some time now, and their personal bible reading material for children is the main reason why.

The Beginning with God material is perfect for perfect for pre-schoolers (age 3-5). We started this with Amy when she turned 3 and she was just the right age. It has been designed to go alongside The Beginner's Bible, which is widely available. Using the stories from The Beginner's Bible, it picks out a key point to talk about, prayers to pray and a continual emphasis that these are true stories about God and his work in the world. You can do optional activities to emphasise which are suggested, and there is a sticker for each day when you have completed the study.

My daughter loves it - she begs to do 'bible time' with me each day, and it has been a special time for the two of us when the others are at school.

It's a great way to get little ones used to the idea of interacting with the bible, rather than just reading it.

If you want to see some examples of the material, go to the links available via here.

Take Heart

Take Heart: For families living with disability, Kate Hurley

After reading Ella, another friend recommended Take Heart, which also addresses living with disability in a family, but from a broader perspective.

It is also excellent. Ella was a personal story of one woman’s experience, this is a compilation of many families’ experiences.

What is the greatest strength however, is the biblical input it also provides. This is an unashamedly Christian resource, written by Christians and for Christians. It will help those who are already in the role of parent and carer, and others as they seek to understand and support those around them who care for people with disability.

It’s primary focus is children, all perspectives are written by parents or grandparents, however some of those children are now adults. It represents a high number of families managing autism, but also includes Down’s syndrome, deafness and some congenital and rarer disabilities.

Each section begins with a one-page summary of a characteristic of God and the way he has worked in the world, these include:

• we are made in His image
• the eternal hope we have in Christ
• the peace of God
• prayer
• love, etc.

Each is very simple, yet also incredibly profound and helpful when thinking about disability. Each brings the Scripture to bear on the truth and shows how God works. It’s easy to read quite quickly, yet a slower and more thoughtful reading of each would bear much fruit. Interspersed between each of these sections is a personal testimony, mainly by parents, and here is where much of the emotion is found.

In the introduction, Kirk Patston makes a very helpful comment, which those of use who count ourselves ‘able-bodied’ would do well to remember: “When it comes to the ability to be wise, we are all disabled.” (p9)

Cecily Paterson, in her account of her son with autism, says this:

If we humans were truly able to love, having a disabled child would not be a cause of such sorrow. It might create a few extra challenges, but parents would not fear for their children, and societies would care for them. The ‘imperfect people’ in our world show up everybody else’s imperfection.

Love isn’t always easy. It isn’t always convenient. And the objects of love are not always attractive. I’m stunned again to think how great is God’s love for us, who are truly and thoroughly disabled, that he should give up his own son to make us perfect and beautiful in his sight. (p18)

For me, the most practically helpful section was the final chapter on how our churches can help. There were practical suggestions, but also the recognition that families with disabilities need understanding and they also need to understand ways people try to help (even if it’s not that helpful). There are suggestions for how we can support carers, siblings and those with disabilities, as well as making our churches better equipped to welcome those with disabilities. There is also the reminder that as a church we need to be willing to support these families for the long term: practically, with prayer, and with love and care.

For such a short book, it packs an incredible punch.

Bringing up Boys

Bringing up Boys, Dr James Dobson

I read this a few years ago, realising it had a lot in it, but also that most of it wasn't yet applicable for my little tiny boy. Decisions about schooling, how boys relate, older boys, etc - it all seemed to far away to have to think about.

Now, however, my son is 8, and it all seems a lot more relevant. I enjoyed going back and re-reading it. Just like Bringing up Girls, which I reviewed last year, it contains lots of stories and anecdotes, which makes it very easy and interesting reading.

The main thrust of the book seems to be addressing all the issues that affect boys, so there is a lot of information and statistics to support his views. Dobson presents many issues that affect boys: the breakdown of family, absent fathers, the impact of feminism, women in the workplace, the gay lobby, post-modernism and educational decisions. There is a lot to digest and a lot of background provided so that you can understand the issues. I found this helpful on many levels, not just those related to having sons.

However, I do imagine you could end up feeling very guilty if you are a single mother, if you work as a mother, if you work long hours as a father, if you put your children into daycare, etc. He is sympathetic to the challenges many parents face, but he is also not hesitant in backing his views of things that can harm boys.

Obviously, being written by an American, it has a very strong emphasis on developments in the US, particularly with respect to educational policy and the gay lobby. I found myself wondering how strong the parallels really were between our two countries, but without a doubt it has overlap to the Australian context, perhaps just not as extreme. I did find myself thankful that we don't live in the US and have to deal with some of the issues there. When I first read this book, I grasped the argument for home-schooling and appreciated it as an option for the first time, whereas previously I never had.

Just like Bringing up Girls, I think the most helpful parts are those encouragements and instructions to mothers and fathers - to continue to love each other, serve their families, raise their children with integrity, kindness and love; to be involved in the lives of their kids and seek to pass on their faith.

A challenge to us all, but a worthwhile one.

The Busy Christian... Conclusion

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

The Busy Christian’s Guide to Busyness
Conclusion: Finding rest in the midst of busyness

The answer to our busyness is not in routines, organisation or doing more.

The answer to our busyness is theological. Our busyness turns on how we view God.

As Christians we should expect to be busy. We give our lives to Christ and no longer claim our time as our own. But we can find rest in our busyness and joy in our labour.

More often that not, those who complain about their busyness are those who are not finding joy in God. And those who rejoice in God as the Saviour, Master, Provider, Refuge, Joy and Hope do not find their busyness a burden. (p170)

Chester suggests that at the end of the day we could pray: “God, you have been with me all day. Have I spent my time well today?”

Taking God with you into the busyness of life means:

• resting on God our Saviour when we fell the need to prove ourselves
• serving God our Master when we worry about other people’s expectations
• trusting God our Provider when we worry about things getting out of control
• making God our Refuge when we want to escape from busyness or through busyness
• enjoying God our Joy when we feel the attraction of over-working for more money
• waiting for God our Hope when we fell we have to make the most of life now (p170-1)

As we finish this series on busyness and you have a chance to reflect on your life and the way you live it, remember these words of Jesus:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)

Mother's Day

I wonder what Mother's Day means to you. It may cover a large range of emotions, perhaps:

Joy & thankfulness

• for your mother, and your relationship with her
• for the blessing of your own children, and your relationship with them
• for the encouragement it is to see you mother or children continuing on in the faith and growing stronger

Sadness

• at the distance that separates you from your mother or your children
• because you are estranged from your mother or your children, and you long to repair the rift
• because you watch them make choices that you disagree with, and wonder how to support them

Grief

• at the loss of your mother
• at the loss of your child
• at the loss of the chance to become a mother

Tiredness

• because of the day-to-day realities of being a mum
• because of the need for you to care for your elderly mother

We experience these emotions at different times, but Mother's Day is one of those days that can bring them out a little more.

****

Whatever your emotions on Mother's Day, I hope you have a chance to stop and:

• give thanks for those women who have mothered you and cared for you
• to pray for yourself as you mother and care for the children around you

I will be.

To Be Like Jesus

Continuing with music reviews for another week, we are loving the Sovereign Grace Kids CD To Be Like Jesus.

Two tracks about Jesus set the scene: To Be Like Jesus and Nothing Better than Jesus. Using the fruits of the spirit from Galatians 5:22-23: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, they have come up with a song to talk about each one. They are great songs, catchy and fun with good lyrics.

And as you would hope from good Christian kids music - not only will your kids learn, you will be similarly challenged as you sing along.

If you want to try before you buy, have a listen here.

The Busy Christian... Chapter 12

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives

The Busy Christian’s Guide to Busyness,
Chapter 12: I’m busy because I want to make the most out of life - the liberating hope of God

It’s so easy to get caught on the treadmill thinking: I have to make the most out of this life. I have to give my children every opportunity. I have to see the world.

As God has been mostly been removed from general life, our lives have become purely focussed on this life, now. No longer to people look forward to eternity or outward to see the bigger picture of God in control. Now, the focus is all me, now:

Life is no longer a brief interval in eternity. People’s horizons are entirely focused on this world. Goals have to be fulfilled in this lifetime and so each day time must be used intensively. We have secularized time. It is no longer time in eternity. It’s just time. (p156)

The truth: an eternal future

For Christians it would do us well to remember that the days will never end, there is infinite time.

In addition, we need to remember that we are sinful people living in a sinful world. Sickness, suffering, and death are a reality. Sometimes, rather than wanting to search to get more out of life, we need to accept the life that we have:

That’s the way it is. Get used to it. And don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about missing out. Some of your friends may be out late partying, jetting round the world, climbing the corporate ladder. But this is the life God has given you – and he is always wise and always good. (p159)

The truth: a better future

a better world is coming for the children of God. You don’t need to rush around having every experience going. You don’t need to ‘realise your potential’. You just need to glorify God and enjoy him for ever. You don’t need to give yourself and breakdown trying to create a perfect life. Christ has already given himself to create a perfect life. Your role is to wait patiently. What should we do about our busyness? We should wait. Wait for the eternal rest of God. (p162)

A wise heart

The Psalm for this chapter is Psalm 90 – a meditation on a wise heart.

4 For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
5 You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning—
6 though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered…
12 Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
13 Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
16 May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.
17 May the favour of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Some things to think about:

• Do you fall into the trap of wanting all the experiences or opportunities of this life? Is that the message you are giving to your children?
• How does remembering your eternal and better future help?
• Do you trust God that he has given you a good life?

Next week – Conclusion