A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really)

A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really), Rachel Jones (The Good Book Company, 2021)

Bet you didn’t see that one coming! This is such a great book. Yes, it’s anchored in a rather specific topic, but as all women (and many sensible men) know - this impacts a large amount of our lives. Whether it’s the onset of menarche and how girls learn to adjust, or the practicality of tracking your cycle (either for life planning or fertility reasons) for an average of 40 years, to the onset of menopause and the relief or sadness this can bring.

Yet it’s rarely spoken about, even amongst women. So, Jones decided to face that head on, because this is part of who women are, with our bodies given to us by a loving creator and yet with all the complications that come with inhabiting our fallen world:

“Whoever you are, my aim is that you reach the end of this book celebrating who God has made you and how God has saved you, and the fact that he speaks liberating and positive truth into all of life’s experiences - even the bloody ones.” (p. 17)

Jones writes with a strong desire to look at all of life theologically. She begins by explaining how periods work (Chapter 1: So Much Potential). This is done so well, with a mix of facts and humour. I loved her comments on various hormones:

“Progesterone is a nurturing soul who's there to support a pregnancy if you need her to, but she's got great health benefits too, like building bone tissue. She's the kind of hormone who would prefer a “gathering” to a house party, and who can sometimes be found crying in the bathroom."

Moving on she considers how amazing it is that God has created the human body, including the wonder that a women can grow a baby. All of this means that periods are part of God’s plan and his creation:

“[Periods] are not beyond the scope of theology; nor are they somehow so gross as to be beneath the category of a discipleship issue. Since our bodies are important, and since our female bodies are doing something particular…we should expect that this will affect us physically, emotionally and spiritually, to one degree or another.” (p. 30)

The pain and discomfort of periods and childbirth, and the struggles and grief of infertility remind us that our bodies are finite and affected by the fall (Ch 2: So Much Pain). We are weak, and we suffer, and we can find comfort that Jesus enters into our suffering and he takes away our sin. He is beside us in our weakness, yet he also redeems us, and uses our weakness for good.

Jones then turns to the reality that many women feel: it’s not often about the pain, but rather about the shame (Ch 3: So Much Mess). Most women have a horror period story, and it’s all shame related: what someone saw, or what happened when you were unprepared. Here she explores Leviticus and the law on women and discharges, offering some ideas about why God made the law this way. She has wise things to say here, about cleanness vs uncleanness vs holiness; and then takes us to the New Testament to see that true uncleanness comes from our hearts, not our bodies. She also interacts with the Period Pride movement, showing both its value and its limitations.

Throughout Jones makes some helpful links about how a period can be a reminder of other truths, here is one she suggests: a period is a reminder that our true uncleanness comes from our hearts and what we say and do, not what comes out of our bodies. Do we stop each month and consider our hearts?

Chapter 4 (So Many Feelings) celebrates that we are created to feel a range of emotions, and there can be a wonderful variety to them. Yet, the reality is that hormones do impact women, and we need to consider our behaviour and how we act at these times. One of my own personal statements around this in our household is “it might be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse”.

"Turn to Google for wisdom on managing hormone-related emotions or outbursts and the majority of advice you'll find essentially boils down to self-care, self-justification and self-acceptance.

The Bible would have us start in a different place. What it offers is no less comforting than any of those things, but rather a whole lot more: Christ's care, Christ’s justification and Christ's acceptance of us. That's the place to start, whatever the struggle or seen that we’re dealing with and on whatever day of the month we are facing it." (p. 77)

Finally (5: So little time) considers menopause and the reminder it is of our mortality and that our time on earth is short. I like where she goes with this, leading us to consider how seriously we taking Jesus’ commission to make disciples of all nations with the time that God gives us. A period could be a cause for reflection:

"What disciple making have I done this month? Where have I nurtured spiritual life? Have I played a part in bringing new spiritual life into the world? …

We can take Day One as a moment to check our priorities and re-commit ourselves to the great commission." (pp. 96-97)

She finishes with the reminder that Christ’s blood shed for us will wash us clean:

"Blood speaks. Right through this book we have seen how our periods speak both of curse and blessing, of groaning and gift, of pain and beauty, of Abel and Christ, of sin and salvation. They are, in a way, a jarring picture of what it means to live in a mixed-up world on its way to redemption… Life in a woman's body might sometimes make us weep; but from that day onwards, our tears will turn into joy." (p. 109)

An appendix addresses questions and answers. Two that stood out to me was to include discussion about periods and how they affect a woman in marriage preparation for couples, and for pastors to be willing to speak about women’s health issues from the pulpit. Wise advice.

All in all, this is an excellent book. Jones has the right balance of Biblical and theological consideration, wisdom, honesty, humour and challenge. It will have obvious appeal for many women, and there would be great benefit for teenage girls as well, although some aspects of it may go over their heads. Of course, men will also benefit from reading this. All of us should long to understand more of the lives of those around us, with a God-honouring framework that both encourages and challenges.

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia, John Dunlop, MD (Crossway, 2017)

What a helpful, wise and compassionate book this is. 

John Dunlop writes with decades of experience as a geriatrician, personal experience of the dementia of three of his and his wife’s parents, and his own longstanding Christian faith.

“Over the years as I have been confronted with dementia, I have failed to recognise any purpose for it, yet I believe it is my responsibility to search out what God’s reason may be. This book is my attempt to explore God’s possible purposes in allowing this horrible disease. But even when I do not fully understand, I have learned I can still trust him.“ (p. 16)

The overarching message is that all people are made in the image of God, and therefore possess inherent dignity and worth. God does not have a gradation of his image: “Human dignity is equally as true of the Nobel Laureate as of the most severe dementia sufferer who is totally dependent on others.” (p. 24) There is great value in the fact that people with dementia still experience feeling and are capable of relationships.

“The experience of dementia can help teach us what our true value is, and embracing it may make the prospect of dementia less threatening and fearful.” (pp. 15-16)

Dunlop explains the facts of dementia: its various types, how diagnosis is made and when it should be made, what some treatment options are, and when to consider medical care directives.

He describes what it feels like for the person with dementia, and then the experience of being a caregiver, acknowledging “the patient is not the only victim of this dreadful disease; caregivers are just as much, if not more, affected by it.” He doesn’t shy away from or avoid the challenges that many face.

Dunlop then considers what he believes is the heart of the issue: “honouring God in and through the tragedy of dementia”. These aspects include:

• recognising the things that God values - such as people, feelings, relationships, and the present moment. 
• respecting the dignity of those with dementia - with our time and energy, respecting their autonomy as much as possible, preserving their dignity, and entering their world. 
• meeting the physical, social, emotional and spiritual needs of those with dementia, as well as their carers. 
• how the church should respond. Importantly the church must teach the gospel, be honest that we all will suffer and what it means to be fully human. Obviously serving and caring for those with dementia and their carers should be high on the list, particularly spiritual needs. 

One particular comment of Dunlop’s struck me:

“Allow me to share with you one of my dreams: picture a local church taking time to commission a caregiver to the ministry to which God has called them. We commission our missionaries, our pastors, and our Sunday School teachers. How about our caregivers?” (p. 150)

He wants us all to grow through the experience of dementia - growth in prayer life for all as they lament, ask, give thanks, and trust God. There can be growth for those with dementia, for caregivers, for the church and for our wider community as we seek to care for, love, and honour those who live with this difficult and heart-wrenching disease.

Dunlop finishes by practically addressing end of life issues, and then leads the reader to the promises of God and life eternal, where there will be no more dementia, no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain.

This is an openly Christian book, offering hope and solace to those to those who already cling to the promises of God, both now and in the life to come. As such, it will have very real value for those in our churches who are affected by dementia. I think it could be given to every person (and their caregivers) with a dementia diagnosis, as a way of reaching out and beginning the process of support and care, recognising the challenges that lie ahead.

Darkest Night, Brightest Day

Darkest Night, Brightest Day, Marty Machowski (New Growth Press, 2022)

Families with primary age children are often on the lookout for resources that help them explore the Easter story, balancing both the passion week and the joy of Jesus’ resurrection.

Marty Machowski has created this great book, Darkest Night, Brightest Day that does exactly that, with seven days of readings that cover the week leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion, and then seven days on Jesus’ resurrection appearances, finishing with Pentecost. The illustrations by Phil Schorr are simple, colourful and clear.

Machowski has collated all the gospel readings together to make one coherent account, so it reads simply and logically, as if straight from the bible. It’s sewn together with skill, with some aspects 

explained further to assist with understanding. Each chapter is two to three pages of text, and would probably take under 10 minutes to read aloud. There are a few questions at the end of each chapter, with answers provided in small font if needed. It’s designed to have the Darkest Night chapters as one half of the book, with its own cover. Then after seven days of readings, on Easter morning - you switch the book over and with a new cover for Brightest Day, read the next seven days. 

I really like its simplicity. There are no fancy crafts or activities, no extra things to do. God’s word is allowed to speak for itself. This also means it isn’t asking too much of busy or weary parents. While it may struggle to hold the attention of pre-schoolers, it would be great for primary age kids, and even younger high schoolers would still benefit from reading this with their family over Easter. The appeal for older kids might actually be its simplicity, my children definitely grew out of devotionals that required activities around the end of primary school. This doesn’t ask much of them, but still enables them to listen to and interact with the biblical accounts. I suspect many adult readers will also see afresh how the events around the resurrection fit together, and how through Jesus we really have moved from darkest night to brightest day.


I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex

The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Warning: this is a reasonably long review, with detailed discussion of marital sex.

Regular readers will know I have read a few of Gregoire’s books in recent months. The Great Sex Rescue (2021) focussed on problems with evangelical teaching on sex and tried to change the message. It was good, but also combative, and tried to do a bit too much. That led me to Gregoire’s earlier book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (2012). My review of that was very positive, but also noted that she seemed to have changed in her thinking in the intervening decade, and I would have been keen to know what she would alter now.

So, I am very pleased to hear that Gregoire is re-releasing a completely updated version of The Good Girl’s Guide next month, and has also written this companion guide for men with her husband: The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

Both Husband and I have read it and think it’s very good and has a lot to offer. There are three main sections and I’ll go through each.

Up close and personal (Part 1) - talks about what great sex is:

“Vulnerability, intimacy, orgasm – they're all designed to go together. That's what great sex is supposed to be, something that is at once physical, emotional, and spiritual. Emotional intimacy (trust and vulnerability), spiritual intimacy (feeling like you're one), and physical intimacy (the fireworks) – lose any one aspect, and you miss great sex entirely." (p.8)

They explain both the medical and practical aspects of how sex works, including a list of terms defined, details of how a woman’s monthly cycle works, and various types of contraception. I was surprised they didn’t include some basic diagrams here of male and female anatomy, obviously assuming more than just basic knowledge now exists in the general populace.

They then turn to the sexual response cycle, and how it can vary. For some (often men) desire leads to excitement, then arousal (called spontaneous desire), for others (often women) excitement leads to desire, then arousal (responsive desire). For couples to figure this out can be especially helpful. For if one is turned on and wants to have sex prior to any touch, and the other needs the touch to be interested and aroused, it can create tension if the difference is not understood.

There is a fair focus on the woman in these chapters:

“It works best for her if she can stop multitasking in her head, start concentrating on what’s happening in her own body, and just let herself experience it… For sex to work well, a women usually has to be a little “selfish” and pay attention to what’s going on in her body, and a man has to be unselfish and also pay attention to what’s going on in her body.” (pp. 25-26)

Part 2 considers in depth the three components of great sex: “sublimely pleasurable, totally mutual, and completely intimate” (p. 36), or in more words “learning how everything works physically, creating a great friendship that fuels your passion, and experiencing deep connection while you make love.” (p. 122).

The bulk of the book explores the three areas in depth.

Chapters on physical pleasure look at orgasm in detail, particularly for women. In fact, it was highly focussed on orgasm, stating women should orgasm most of the time, that it’s the husband’s job to make this a priority, and that sex works better when women orgasm first. My husband agreed that the responsibility falls to the man to ensure her pleasure, yet also wondered whether this could put more pressure on the wife to enjoy sex. There’s a careful balance point needed here, which we think they mostly got right. They also address some issues in this area, such as painful sex and erectile dysfunction.


Next, they turn to emotional companionship and closeness, and how this is much more important that the mechanics of sex. One of the helpful aspects of this discussion was the concept of the mental load that women bear. If men want to connect with their wife, help shoulder that load. You shoulder the load together because you are a team. They confront the idea that a husband should help in order to get sex - which makes sex transactional rather than relational. No, he helps because he cares, and it’s his home too:

“He isn’t doing dishes to get sex. He's doing dishes because that's what he should do. He's an adult. He eats. He dirties dishes. So he does dishes because he's a decent, mature, responsible human being – and women tend to be attracted to decent, mature, responsible human beings!” (p. 102)

They also consider how kids impact marriage, and give helpful suggestions for husbands to help in this area, enabling their wife to not always be only “mum”.

“But you can’t wait for vacations to nurture sex in marriage. If your relationship is going to be strong, sex has to be good even in the middle of the chaos. Yes, life is tiring. Yes, you have tons of competing demands on your time. Yes, kids are exhausting. But your relationship can be the anchor that helps you give you energy to handle all those other parts of your life. So grow your friendship. Shoulder your share of the load. And be thankful that, even in the chaos, you’re in this together.” (p. 109)

The third and largest section explores spiritual intimacy and oneness, noting that true connection cannot happen when there is shame or secrets between you, turning to the common areas that can be roadblocks. These include past trauma, triggers, and when we make sex sound ugly rather than loving and connected. I think the next three chapters are the most valuable and helpful for men:

1. Is sex a need? Considering the false idea that men need sex and that wives have been encouraged to make sure they provide it.

“When we make sex an obligation, then it’s no longer about a knowing. Rather, it becomes an owing. And that doesn’t build intimacy, it destroys it.” (p. 137)

Gregoire is frank here and appropriately so. He points out the complete wrongness of marital rape or any sexual coercion. In considering times when sex is off the table, such as for a period or postpartum, he notes: her pain is not a difficult time for you, this is a difficult time for her.

“If you were bleeding out of your genitals, would your first thought be how difficult it might be for your wife not to have access to them?” (p.142)

2. Considering the myths and facts of pornography. 

“Just because you used porn in the past does not mean your marriage is doomed. Keep using porn today, though? You’ll create a world of hurt.” (p. 147)

Again, bluntly, they state the realities of pornography use including: it is a betrayal of your wife, if you deflect responsibility to her you make everything worse, that the majority of Christian men experience victory over porn, and most past porn users recover. So, an equal measure of warning and hope.

3. Lust, which is often framed as problem with men’s purity but rather than an assault on women’s personhood, teaching that female bodies are sources of evil. In addition, if we say that every man lusts, we have normalised lewd behaviour.

“Men, we are capable of treating women with dignity. And when we do that, women will feel safer. Women will feel valued. And our marriages will fare better than if we portray lust as a never-ending battle that we will always be fighting - and losing.” (p. 173)

Finally, they turn to the chapter that is in every sex book - about spicing things up. There were wise boundaries here: for the key to passion in the bedroom for her is safety - knowing her comfort level matters to you, that your relationship is safe, and she doesn’t have to perform to keep your interest.

“Spicing things up has to be done not because you’re dissatisfied with her but because you want to experience more of her.” (p. 175)

Putting it all together (part 3) focusses on libido differences, “when you want more”.

They divide libido differences here into two categories - preference differences and when it is a problem. With preference differences, especially when sex is still happening quite frequently, they encourage the practicing of contentment, for:

“lack of contentment with frequency of sex, when sex is objectively frequent can create major problems in the long run.” (p. 189)

When libido differences become a problem though, they have a useful list of tough self-analysis questions for husbands, which include:

• do you ensure she feels pleasure?
• has sex been depersonalising?
• have you broken trust with your wife?
• do you practice good hygiene?
• are you emotionally vulnerable with your wife?

Appendix 1 helps the husband-to-be get ready for the honeymoon, with some wise and measured advice about expectations and starting out well, whether or not you have any sexual experience. Having said that, it really felt like a book aimed at those already in the married relationship.

Appendix 2 has some great questions for husbands and wives to work through together (apparently there are sets in both books). Throughout the book, they strongly encourage the use of skilled counsellors and experts (e.g., in overcoming pornography) when needed.


There are a few big picture things that could have been done better:

1. An overarching theological framework of sex would have been a great starting point. Something like: God made sex, sex is good, it’s a gift for a couple to enjoy together. Sin has marred it, and changed it. Yet, through Christ we have both forgiveness and redemption, and our sex lives can grow as we grow in Christ. 
2. The starting point was a little problem focussed, it started with the concerns about sex: “I don’t get enough, it’s not how I want it, my wife and I are on a different page”, etc. In fact, early on it is worded around helping your wife enjoy sex so that she wants it as much as you. And so, 
3. Sometimes I found the different messages for him vs her less helpful, even though they may often be true. They say: the wife gets the “rah-rah” book and he gets the “here’s how you can be her knight in shining armor book - because you can be your wife’s hero in the bedroom” (p. 4). There was a tendency to make it all about her (which frankly is a nice change, but I wasn’t sure if it didn’t swing too far in that direction). 

And a few minor things that weren’t as great:

1. Research is included to back up their position. This can be helpful, but they haven’t found the best way to present it. There are (thankfully) less tables and figures than The Great Sex Rescue, but they still aren’t easy to interpret. While some statistics are useful, quoting stats to a decimal point is overkill. (e.g. it’s much more readable to say 53% of women orgasm this way, rather than 55.3%).
2. This is being picky - but one statement really sat uneasily with me. Talking about multiple orgasm - i.e. once you figure it out, “you can thrust to your heart’s content (or to the content of other body parts), and she can keep climaxing the whole time!” (p. 58). It still seemed to turn her pleasure into being about him, and at a deeper level creates a level of expectation on women that not all may be able to or desire to fulfil. 

Having said that, this was one of only a few statements that sat uneasily, which means that we felt the majority of the book was a helpful tone, balanced, acknowledging issues and frankly addressing them, but giving hope for change and growth in a marriage that enjoys safe and secure sex.

Overall this is a very helpful wise and measured book for husbands who want both to love and honour their wives, and to care for them in and out of the bedroom. I recommend it for all husbands and look forward to reading the new updated version for women.


***

Extra note:
I feel it’s important to say that while I really like and will recommended this book, and suspect I will feel the same about the updated book for women, I am uncomfortable with the way the authors speak about other people. Their blog is increasingly combative and rude. They identify other Christian authors that have spoken about sex in a way that they disagree with, and attack them frequently. I agree that much of the church’s teaching has been unhelpful and that has been exacerbated by some writings on sex in marriage, however the Gregoires now seem to be painting themselves as the saviours of the evangelical sexual message, and decrying others who have different messages. They are neither gracious nor kind, and that is disappointing.

The Hawk and the Dove

The Hawk and the Dove, Penelope Wilcock  

This delightful fiction series of 9 books is set in 14th Century Yorkshire and is about the monastery community of St Alcuins. The first book starts with the appointment of a new Abbot, Father Columba (which means dove). Acknowledging that their Abbot is hardly like a dove, this steely eyed, serious and devout though not compassionate man, continues to be known by the community by his baptismal name of Peregrine (the hawk):

“Of course, it’s one thing to love Jesus and quite another to follow him; and poverty, chastity and obedience sat about as comfortably on Peregrine as his hair shirt. Still, the brothers saw promise in him, and as much from stubbornness as anything else he grimly struggled through his novitiate year, finally making his vows and being professed as Brother Columba - a name which shows that either his abbot had a wry sense of humour or else that he had a greater faith than most men and no sense of humour at all.” (The Hawk and the Dove)

Each book explores a different aspect of the monastery or wider community. It is written in a lovely, winsome style, yet deals with some serious and sobering issues. The first book contains a shocking act of violence perpetrated on one man and how it changed him and his fellow brothers. Later books explore the realities of disability and the descent into needing loving palliative care, what true repentance and forgiveness can look like, and the impact of serious trauma and grief. I appreciated how the early books on monastery community life explored how the men learned (sometimes by trial and mistake) how to live graciously with one another with friendship and care. By removing romance from the early books, the focus was on other aspects of the Christian life. Later books did explore love and marriage outside the monastery, and these also showed a wisdom and depth of insight of the author. One quote was very amusing (although I note that this marriage improved with time and the gaining of wisdom):

“Married life... is like a precarious walk along the top of a hurdle never made to bear a man’s weight, while one person pelts you with cabbages and another intermittently takes you by surprise throwing a bucket of cold water in your face. Never dull.” (The Breath of Peace, p. 98).

The first two books are a collation of general stories, and Wilcock herself notes that she tried to make them similar to something like Chaucer’s Canterbury tales, which are from the same time. So, there are parallel stories, one in more modern times of Melissa with family life. Then the monastery stories are those her mother told her. From the third book onwards, Melissa’s mother no longer features as the narrator, it is just the chronological stories of the lives of the monks.

To call them charming makes them sounds light. They are not light - they contain significant emotion and experiences, expressions of God’s goodness and mercy, as well as despair at sin and failings. Yet they are also charming, written with skill, humour, and self-awareness. Highly recommended.

Gentle and Lowly

Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sufferers and Sinners, Dale Ortlund (Crossway, 2020)

This book has become popular quite quickly, and I can see why. With a gentle, pastoral tone that matches his subject, Dale Ortlund dwells on the character of Jesus as being gentle and lowly, anchoring his exploration in Matthew 11:28-30:

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (ESV)

Throughout the book, he considers who Christ is, rather than what he has done:

“You might know that Christ died and rose again on your behalf to rinse you clean of all your sin; but do you know his deepest heart for you? Do you live with an awareness not only of his atoning work for your sinfulness but also of his longing heart amid your sinfulness? (p. 15-16)

So he wants to bring us to the heart of Christ for us:

“It is one thing to know the doctrines of the incarnation and the atonement and a hundred other vital doctrines. It is another, more searching matter to know his heart for you.” (p. 16)

Each chapter considers an aspect of Christ, as given in Scripture, and then expounded, often with the input of some Puritan writers. These include:

• his very heart being gentle and lowly. "For the penitent, his heart of gentle embrace is never out matched by our sins and foibles and insecurities and doubts and anxieties and failures." (p. 21) 
• he is able to sympathise with us (Heb 4:15) 
• he can deal gently with us (Heb 5:2). “Looking inside ourselves, we can anticipate only harshness from heaven. Looking out to Christ, we can anticipate only gentleness.” (p. 57) 
• he will never cast us out (Jn 6:37). This was a chapter of great comfort and assurance. 
• he is an advocate, a tender friend, and more. 

There is no avoidance of the reality of Christ’s wrath, anger, or desire for justice and judgement. Yet, Ortlund keeps stressing that Christ errs towards mercy, and that his righteous anger stems from his compassion, being a right response from the one who truly cares.

Then he turns to exploring both God the Father and the Holy Spirit to further round out the truth that our triune God cares, loves, and is merciful.

I appreciated his discussion of God as portrayed in the Old Testament and the natural progression to Christ: 

“When we see Christ unveil his deepest heart as gentle and lowly, he is continuing the natural trajectory of what God had already been revealing about himself throughout the Old Testament. Jesus provides new sharpness to who God is, but not fundamentally new content” (p. 135)

“…the Bible’s revelation of what God’s deepest heart is - that is, what he delights to is most natural to him. Mercy is natural to him. Punishment is unnatural.” (p.140)

This was an interesting discussion of the Puritan Goodwin’s conclusion that his mercy is God’s natural work, but judgment is his strange work. Judgment happens when it must, but his heart bends towards mercy.

I found this book to be both greatly encouraging and deeply comforting. I read only one chapter at a time, more as a devotional. Each gave food for thought, and another entry point into considering Jesus’ love for me and his mercy extended new every morning. As such, its gives great assurance. For those who struggle to know they are loved by Christ, valued by him, and a joy to him, this would be excellent. And for those who tend to focus on what Christ has done - rather than who he is, and how he comes near to us - this is a great reminder of who Christ really is, the one we worship and adore.

Is it Abuse?

Is it Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims, Darby A. Strickland (P&R Publishing, 2020)

This book falls into that sad category that while being excellent, Christ-centred, and extremely helpful, it is only because of deep sinfulness that it needs to be written and read. 

Darby Strickland is an experienced counsellor in the field of abuse, and brings her significant years of learning, helping, and writing to those who want to further understand domestic abuse, its impacts, and how to support those in the midst of it.

This is not for those who are experiencing domestic abuse, they would be better to start with her mini-book: Domestic Abuse: Help for the Sufferer. Those in church leadership who want to start the process of understanding this issue better would be well placed to begin with her other mini-book:

Domestic Abuse: Recognize, Response, Rescue. 

While this is highly recommended for all in church leadership and those in pastoral care, it is also for those who want to walk alongside women in these situations:

“I have written this book for anyone who desires to come alongside a victim, or victims, of domestic abuse. Maybe you are a church leader, friend, or counselor, and you find yourself dealing with the many layers of complexity that unfold as you encounter an abusive marriage.” (p. 15)

Strickland anchors abuse in the language of oppression:

“I want you to grow in your understanding of what is at the root of oppression and what the Bible says about it while also giving you the means to create pathways to safety and restoration for victims.” (p. 16)

She states her three goals are to prepare the helper to be able to:

• pick up on cues that something is wrong, 
• draw out stories to get clarity on situations and their severity, and 
• be equipped to provide wise and Christ-centred counsel as you navigate this complex issue. 

The whole book is worded around a male perpetrator and a female victim, noting that is her area of expertise, and that statistics suggest is to be the case in >95% of situations. She does however, acknowledge it can be the reverse, and that the principles can be applied to male victims.

I’m not going  into deep level detail in this review, but will rather give readers a general overview, and some quotes. It’s a significant topic, and those that are interested in pursuing it would be much better placed to read the book.

Broken into three parts, Strickland begins by unpacking abuse: Part 1: Understanding Oppression

First, she considers “Is it Abuse?” and the complications of trying to know. One one hand “abuse is easy to miss, but it is even easier to minimise” (p. 15), yet we must go very slow, for much is at stake “for labelling something as abuse when it is not will do damage of a different kind” (p. 26). So, go slow, compile stories and examples of power and control.

At the core of abuse, she suggests, is oppression:

“Abuse occurs in a marriage when one spouse pursues their own self interests by seeking to control and dominate the other through a pattern of coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviours… I like to use the term oppression, seeing as it provides a framework for this behaviour that is addressed in scripture and captures the domination that it involves. No matter what form the oppression takes, its intended outcome is the same: to punish and wound a victim so that an oppressor gets their world the way they want it.” (p. 24)

In the end, the assessment is for coercive control, rather than based on specific incidents, many of which could be explained away.

“Abused women tend to ask somewhat veiled questions as they try figure out if what they are experiencing is normal and if you are a safe person to talk to” (p. 22).

To be the helper we need to listen carefully, offer gentle words, restore her ability to make choices, and bring her the truth that God loves her, honours her and delights in her.

She suggests that at the root of oppression is entitlement:

“While we all struggle with entitlement, oppressors exhibit patterns of demanding and punishing that are retrenched, unbending, and unrelenting”. This person:

• Deflects all blame 
• Admits no wrongdoing 
• Renationalises punishing behaviours as being an appropriate response (p. 64). 

She considers six false beliefs of an oppressor, of which some or all might be present:

• It’s all about me 
• You and I need only to listen to me 
• Rules are not for me to follow, they are to keep me happy 
• My anger is justified 
• Other people attack me 
• I don’t have to appreciate what you do, but you have to appreciate what I do 

She then spends time considering the wide range of impacts of abuse on a victim, and how to help her speak.

Part 2 - Uncovering Oppression explores physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse in detail, expounding on what they might look like, how they might impact her, and how to help someone in this situation. There are specific inventories included, which might assist both a victim and her helper to assess the severity of her situation, and how it might have escalated over time.

She notes that emotional abuse is the hardest to quantify:

“A broad category that encapsulates many forms of non-physical control. But we do not want to wrongly expand this label or over apply it. There are many good marriages in which cruel words are sometimes exchanged, and many bad but non-abusive marriages in which couples fight in detrimental ways.“ (p. 179)

The key is to look for patterns of control and dominance. She also considers extreme neglect and gaslighting, as they are two of the most difficult situations to detect.

Part 3 - Upholding the Oppressed has a chapter on helping mothers and children, noting the danger many children are in abusive households. Most children are aware of what is happening in the home, and some women might need to teach their children how to leave the house in a violent situation, or to call the police.

The final chapter, supporting steps towards freedom, confirms much of what Strickland said throughout - change is slow, it can take months or years for women to comprehend and face the abuse they are living with, and longer to choose what to do about it, whether challenge it, ask for help, or safely leave. She sagely notes that for all these situations, women will “have to pick their pain” - because every option is hard, challenging, and potentially dangerous.

The book finishes with some excellent appendices:

• Safety plan - for a woman to fill out, especially in cases of physical abuse, which outlines what action she might take and when. 
• Ten ways to educate your church, concluding a reference to this online course 
• Detecting red flags during dating 
• Premarital abuse assessment 
• Abusive argument inventory 

Not surprisingly, this is a very sobering read. The stories included are heart-rending, and the detailed abuse inventories are awful to imagine someone living with. Yet, there is hope here too. Strickland deeply cares about women in these situations, she longs for them to experience freedom in Christ and to have a deep knowledge of God’s love for the weak, the vulnerable, and the mistreated. She calls on us to care for abused women and walk alongside them. She encourages the church to have a role in loving and caring for victims, as well as challenging and (ideally) calling perpetrators to genuine repentance. It's worth reading, but even more so, it's worth being better equipped to walk alongside people in these very challenging situations. 

Fiction mini-reviews

One Hundred Days, Alice Pung 

This is a pretty searing read. Set in the 1980s, sixteen year old Karuna writes to her unborn baby. She lives under the very protective eye of her Chinese mother from the Philippines, Grand Mar. Since her father Grand Pa left (an older Australian man who Grand Mar came to Australia to marry), they live in housing commission flats in Melbourne and struggle to make ends meet. One summer, almost because she is bored, Karuna ends up pregnant. Once discovered, it becomes a battle of wills with her mother, who tries to control every aspect of her life. Those who have Asian heritage might recognise the numerous comments Grand Ma makes about the impending risks to the baby with every thing Karuna might do, eat or think, and her ignoring of all medical advice. It’s funny, but also sad and depressing. Grand Ma is threatening to raise the baby as her own, and Karuna is figuring out how to stand up for herself. I began to wonder if there would be any positive resolution at all. Without giving the ending away, there is certainly hope that begins to grow as to how this might all be sorted out. Not a relaxing read, but an excellent book nonetheless. 

Sorrow and Bliss, Meg Mason

Like the one above, this also confronts some significant topics, but with humour and insight along the way. Set in the UK, Martha has just turned 40, and her husband Patrick has moved out after years of love and strife. The reader then travels back to Martha’s early years and her onset of significant depression and mental illness at age 17, which impacts her at points over the following two decades. Her bohemian mother is mostly drunk, her loving poet father is trying to write again, and she and her sister Ingrid are devoted to each other. Alongside their aunt, uncle and cousins, and Patrick, all the stories of their lives are woven together. Feeling the range of emotions more than most, Martha moves between ecstasy at the wonders of life, and deep despondence and despair. Patrick’s love stands as the rock alongside her waves. It’s an insightful view into mental illness, and how it can shape people but does not need to define them. I read Mason’s humorous biography of motherhood (Say it Again in a Nice Voice) 10 years ago, and really enjoyed it. I am keen to turn to her other book You Be Mother now too. 

Go Tell the Bees that I am Gone, Diana Gabaldon 

Long term readers will be aware I am a Gabaldon fan, having read all her books over the last 15 years or so. This is the ninth in a now intended series of ten, and it’s been seven years since the publication of the last. So fans have to be in this for the long haul, not only time wise between book publications, but for the length of book - this one is almost 900 pages, with small font. It picks up exactly where Written in My Own Heart’s Blood left off, continuing the story of Jamie and Claire, and numerous family members including Roger & Brianna, Fergus & Marsali, Ian & Rachel, William, Lord John, etc. There’s no point in giving more details for fans will be keen to read it, and those who want to start need to go right back to Outlander. I imagine Gabaldon has more fans since the release of the Netflix series, but there is so much more detail in the books than the TV series can manage. (As with the TV series, there is a fair amount of sex and violence, and sometimes both together). I enjoyed it, having been long invested in the series, and I partularly like the details she includes of history, medicine, and people. (The last two books are partially set in the American Revolution, with some overlap of events covered in Hamilton). Having said that, it is getting overblown and starting to feel a little indulgent. I’m hoping she doesn’t take another seven years to write the final! One particular quote that I did like: 

“One of the benefits of long marriage is that you can see quite clearly where some conversations are likely to lead - and occasionally you can sidestep the booby traps and choose another path by silent mutual assent.”

Sacred Marriage

Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas (Revised ed. Zondervan, 2015)

Most marriage books fall into one of two categories:

• why be married (e.g. The Meaning of Marriage, What Did You Expect?), or 
• how to be married (e.g. Ready or Knot?, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) 

Sacred Marriage is in the first category - exploring how marriage can make us more godly, and what it means to live in a way that honours Christ in our marriage. Thomas espouses a high, God-honouring view of marriage that esteems love, grace, forgiveness, and patience, as well as recognising the realities of sin, pain, and conflict.

“I believe that much of the dissatisfaction we experience in marriage comes from expecting too much from it.… God didn’t design marriage to compete with himself but to point us to himself.” (p. 27)

Christians are encouraged to see how God is using their marriage to grow them in Christ, in both the joys and the challenges.

It is not structured around the usual marriage topics (e.g. communication, conflict, intimacy), but rather around the ways we are shaped in marriage, e.g.:

• marriage teaches us to love 
• marriage teaches us to respect others 
• marriage exposes our sin 
• marriage builds perseverance 
• marriage teaches us to forgive 

“What’s so fascinating about all of this is that what we need to develop to enjoy an intimate marriage – commitment, tenacity, perseverance – is exactly what scripture says we need to develop as faithful servants of God.“ (p. 103)

One things that struck me about this book was its applicability across the entire range of Christian marriage - new or mature, strong or struggling, growing well or close to shattering. It is relevant to each.

There are wonderful positive encouragements about what a God-honouring, long term, maturing marriage can be like:

• “It’s wonderful when a husband and wife enjoy rich, fulfilling, and even exciting for sexual relations. And there is nothing wrong with having this as one of your goals. But alongside this goal – in fact, above this goal – should be the desire to become a better Christian. Use the marriage bed to learn how to serve another and how to deny yourself, and the spiritual benefits will be many“. (p. 181) 
• “if we engage in marriage thoughtfully, purposefully, and with godly intentions, our wedlock will shape us in a way that few other life experiences can. It will usher us into God’s own presence.“ (p. 227) 
• “It’s a journey that never really ends, but it takes at least the span of a decade for the sense of intimacy to really display itself in the marriage relationship.” (p. 102) 
• “The stronger we grow as spouses, persevering and pressing further into our marriage, the more we’ll develop the very character traits we need to become mature believers” (p. 104) 
• “If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it’s that a good marriage is not something you find; it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential.” (p. 128) 

He is clear about how we are to treat each other, with love and respect, and is quite direct towards men (and women) who fail in this regard.

• He argues that there is a case for viewing God as your heavenly father-in-law, because your spouse is a child of God. So, are we treating them that way? Aware of how much God loves them and cares for them, and notices how we treat them. 
• In a marriage breakdown, to say “I never loved you”, is essentially to say, “I’ve never acted as a Christian”. (p. 41) 
• “There are times when I must sacrifice my ambition to succeed in God service so I can be fully present and involved in the lives of my wife and children. Most assuredly, the tension should lead us to ask the question, “if I ignore God’s daughter (God’s son) to do God’s work, am I honouring God?”” (p. 231) 

His honesty about hard marriage could help those who struggle with whether it is worth it. He addresses many complex situations, including major conflict, betrayal, divorce and remarriage, and notes that a hard marriage can drive one to personal growth and reliance on Christ. He deals with these situations frankly but sensitively, also acknowledging that some marriages will rightfully end because of abuse, addition or adultery.

• “Suffering is a necessary part of the Christian life… yet most of those who leave marriage and break its sacred history do so precisely because it’s tough… This tendency to avoid difficulty is a grave spiritual failing that can and often does keep us in Christian infancy.” (p. 124) 
• “If your marriage is tough, get down on your knees and thank God that he has given you an opportunity for unparalleled spiritual growth. You have the prime potential to excel in Christian character and obedience.” (p. 125) 
• The mature response “is not to leave a sinner (our spouse); it’s to change a sinner (ourselves). (p. 95) 
• Second and later marriages are hard because “You’re not just marrying a new person; you’re neurologically trying to unmarry the previous spouse.” (p. 103) 

I realise these quotes might sound harsh, but they are not while reading in context. Some may want to hear that this season of struggle could still bear fruit.

While Thomas is real and honest about challenges, he overwhelmingly presents a positive view of marriage, hoping to increase our desire to serve Christ and grow in him, as we serve our spouse. It’s probably a touch on the long side, including numerous other writers and their opinions, sometimes at length. However, I found it easy to read, and very applicable. Obviously, it’s really only relevant for believers and those that are committed to their own spiritual growth as well as that of their spouses. Overall, an excellent encouragement that marriage is worth it, and that persisting through the joys and struggles will bear fruit now and into eternity.

Sensible Shoes

Sensible Shoes, Sharon Garlough Brown

Do you long for a fiction book to refresh you? To leave you desiring a deeper and closer relationship with God and understanding of what Christ has done for you?

You may find that the Sensible Shoes series by Sharon Garlough Brown could be that gift to you. It has been to me.

I have been interested in various spiritual disciplines and self-examination for a while, aware that while my faith is cognitively very strong, I can nervously steer away from the experiential. I think this is a tendency some evangelicals can have, which I suspect leaves us all the poorer for it.

Yet, I want to know God deeply, and the power of Christ’s resurrection in both my mind and my heart, and be challenged and encouraged in both.

The books are anchored around four main characters who meet in at a spiritual formation course at a retreat centre:

• Meg, widowed young, now 46, whose controlling mother has recently died and daughter moved overseas for university. 
• Mara, 50, struggling in a loveless marriage with two angry teenage sons 
• Hannah, 39, pastor in a church who has worked so hard over 15 years to serve others she doesn’t realise just how spent she is, and 
• Charissa, 26, newly married and a high-achieving doctoral major 

Over the weeks, they develop a friendship, open up and share their stories. All have their own challenges in trusting God in their situations, as well as coming face to face with their own areas of sin and struggle. I won’t expand on the storylines explored over the four books, lest I give it away to those who choose to read them, but everything is there - major illness, grief, relationship joys and breakdowns, friendships and family. (One major life experience not included in this series in mental ill health, although it is in her newer series Shades of Light).

The books weave the story with the various spiritual practices they are taught at the centre, and those readers who would like to engage with them could do at their own leisure. Each book contains different ones, some are a detailed bible study with reflection questions, some are a way of praying or bringing things to God, or a particular prayer to work through. I have been using some personally and finding them to be of great benefit. (It also seems that each book has a companion study guide for those that are interested).

My only frustration is that it is a female-focussed series. Yes, there are male characters, some wonderful and some not, but it’s not really about them. I suspect that could make it harder for some men to choose to read them. Which is a real shame, because one character Nathan models deep faith, humility and grace, and is a wonderful example of a man changed by such spiritual practices.

All in all, a lovely series. 

The Imperfect Pastor

The Imperfect Pastor, Zack Eswine (Crossway, 2015)

When we turn to books on leadership, including Christian leadership, we often expect them to be full of strategies, ideas, and inspiration. That’s what many seek: a way to do the job better, in a more organised way, with less conflict, assuming that we are loving others and bringing glory to God. As such, leadership books are usually not refreshing or restorative. However, this one is. Deeply so. It is also humbling, challenging and encouraging.

Zack Eswine encourages the pastor to slow down, take their time, get to know people well, allow for sin and suffering, serve faithfully, and essentially rest in Christ and his goodness. He espouses a view of faithful, servant leadership that is embedded in the congregation in which we find ourselves, not seeking to know it all, fix it all, or be all things to all people right now.

Divided into four parts, he begins by exploring the calling we pursue. He considers the desires that hound us and should motivate us, how we need to remember we are human, finite and fallible, and that much that we do is invisible.

“One can receive accolades for preaching Jesus, yet at the same time know very little about how to follow Jesus in the living room of their ordinary lives.” (p26)

“To the important pastor doing large and famous things speedily, the brokenness of people actually feels like an intrusion keeping us from getting our important work for God done.“ (p28)

The second part considers the temptations we face: being everywhere for all, wanting to fix it all, thinking we know it all, and considering everything to be immediate and urgent.

I appreciated this insight on believing that ‘right teaching’ will solve the problems people face:

“One of the first signs that we are approaching the borders of attempting omnipotence is this: we believe that another is choosing a course of action because he or she simply isn’t clear on what is right. Therefore, we believe that if we just work hard enough to explain what is right, then he or she will obviously and immediately do the right thing. No one was more plain, true, reasonable, and clear than Jesus, and they crucified him. Clarity matters a great deal. But clarity can’t always solve or fix the broken things.“ (p93)

“You were never meant to repent because you can’t fix everything. You are meant to repent because you’ve tried. Even if we could be God for people and fix it all, the fact remains that Jesus often does not have the kind of fixing in mind that you and I want.“ (p96)

He says the same about knowledge:

“We are tempted to something like omniscience - the ability to know everything. But you were never meant to repent because you don’t know it all. You are meant to repent because you tried.” (p104)

The third section considers reshaping our inner life: letting God speak, beholding God, and finding our pace.

“For many of us, it has been a long while since we’ve heard God in the quiet, knowing that it was his voice and not ours. We stare into our detox and begin to realise that we have been like a rude spokesperson in the presence of our host.” (p138)

I appreciated his comments on pace, considering watches of the day, then weeks, and longer seasons. He thinks abut four stages of the day, morning, afternoon, evening and overnight; which can each incorporate change, prayer, reflection, repentance, as well as days off, and time off in the year. I have considered this in terms of overcommitment in the past, but not in terms of restoration and shaping my day in ways that honour God, aware of his grace and mercies, but also my tendency to sin. Actively considering a change in ‘watch’ can help us to engage in the activity we are in, wholeheartedly and less distracted whether it is work, family time, pastoral visiting, or rest.

The final section looks at reshaping the work we do: caring for the sick, caring for the sinner, having local knowledge of our congregation and community, and leadership.

I found the local knowledge chapter helpful and a bit more pointed. We must get to know our people and their history and culture. This is often where new ministers find themselves at loggerheads with a congregation, for it takes time to listen to people and understand their desires and concerns, and from that to discern strengths and weaknesses. Eswine makes two comments about entering the culture of a congregation:

• ideally a pastor is a change agent in God’s hands for the good of a congregation. 
• But also (and he notes this is rarely cherished among clergy) - a congregation is a change agent in God’s hands for the good of a pastor (p225-6). 

Eswine writes with a gentle entreating voice, strongly pastoral and caring. He is not strident, even though he has strong things to say. He shares his own personal wisdom and experience learned through major challenges (marriage breakdown, church conflict). You can tell a person who has lived through tough times and come out of it strengthened through the grace of God, and this is the voice of one who has learnt hard lessons and wants to humbly share them, hoping to spare others the pain of his own mistakes. His written voice reminded me of a gentle old Puritan, with echoes of Marilynne Robinson. This might grate with some, for it is almost poetic at points. At times he entreats the reader to read sections again and dwell on them. I can imagine some might find that annoying or even a little condescending, but I did not. While not referred to explicitly, he is writing this to men in ministry, there doesn’t seem to be an allowance for female pastors, or even female leaders. That’s not to say women can’t learnt much from this book and I certainly did, but it’s worth noting.

While there is excellent wisdom for new pastors here, I think it will be of most benefit for those who have been in ministry for a while. Who have felt the burdens, the sin (their own and others), the relentless pace, the desire to stay on top of everything, the wanting to know it all, and be all things to all people. This gives space for repentance, mercy, grace and a chance to reset.

Even more Dee Henderson

Regular readers will be be aware I have enjoyed Dee Henderson’s writing this year (here and here). Now, we turn to a few more novels and novellas, and then to her two Evie Blackwell cold case novels - of which I hope there will be more!

In The Witness, Amy is on the run, being chased by a New York crime boss because she has access to his hidden money. Police Chief Luke Granger is slowly getting to know her, but when her sisters (who think she is dead) inherit large amounts of money, it’s clear that trouble will come after them all. This one has a bit more action, and some of the outcomes are a bit sadder.

Kidnapped follows the story of FBI agent Luke Falcon, whose cousin’s wife Sharon and son have been kidnapped. Sharon’s sister Caroline (who has been dating Luke) may also be a target. How will Luke track them down, and why were they targeted? I don’t think this has any character overlap with other novels. There is a bit more action in this one than some of the others.

In Before I Wake, Rae Gabriella has moved to Justice, Illinois, joining old friend Bruce’s Private Investigator business. Country Sheriff Nathan is pleased to have her on board, especially when young women start turning up dead in hotels. It looks like natural causes, but something is not quite right. The three work together to figure out what is happening. At the same time the town’s main job provider, a tile factory, is on strike and tensions are mounting. How will it be resolved when it becomes clear all are related? 

Then there are a few shorter novellas:

In Betrayed, Ann Silver’s random purchase of a box at an auction house leads to the discovery of a murder weapon. As Ann digs into the history, she is convinced that an innocent woman Janelle is in prison for a crime she never committed. I really liked Greg, the trauma psychiatrist, Janelle sees upon her release.

In Missing, police chief John Graham’s mother goes missing and Lieutenant Sharon Noble is on the case. Will they find her in this cold Chicago weather before time runs out?

Evie Blackwell cold cases

Traces of Guilt is chronologically after Taken (and some references to character and storylines overlap as a result). Paul & Ann Falcon are present, but the main action centres around Evie Blackwell, who is about to head up the governor’s new task force on cold-cases. She is spending two weeks in Carin Country, reinvestigating the abduction of a young girl and the disappearance of a family. The Thane family are central in this town, Gabriel is sheriff and is soon working closely with Evie. Joshua Thane’s old childhood friend Grace has returned with a large and painful secret that will soon be exposed. Meanwhile Will Thane is dating Karen who has her own troubled violent past. This is a creative storyline, with some lovely, caring men in the Thane family who long to care for and protect the people who are important to them.

Henderson includes numerous women in her stories who have suffered dreadful abuse and trauma. She doesn’t seem to include men with the same challenges. Rather, her male lead characters tend to be strong, protective types who want to love these women. It’s a lovely story, but at times it feels a little one sided. However, she is writing fiction, and it’s probably what appeals to her (presumably) mostly female readers.

Threads of Suspicion has Evie with the Governor’s new task force taking on a series of Illinois cold cases. Working with Dave, they begin to investigate two separate missing persons cases - a female college student and an older male Private Investigator. The cases begin to intersect as do their own personal lives.

All enjoyable reads.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (2012)

Warning: includes frank discussion of married sexual experience.

My recent reading of Gregoire et al’s The Great Sex Rescue, led me to explore her blog and then to her older book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Overall, this is a very helpful book aimed at women about sexual intimacy in marriage, covering early sexual expression and encounters in detail, and then ways to grow sexually in love, service, and pleasure with each other.

She starts with the beauty of sex, and it’s unique place in your marriage:

“You know you’re with this man till death do you part. You have time to learn. You don’t have to know what’s good to you; you get to learn what’s good for us.”

She explores how men tend to desire sex more often that women, yet acknowledges some women have higher libidos than their husbands. She encourages women to prioritise sex in a helpful way for their husbands. Here is where there seemed to be some difference from her current view in The Great Sex Rescue, where she is much more strident about the risks of seeing yourself purely as the outlet of your husband’s physical needs. (I’ll come back to this comparison point later).

She then goes on to explore three areas of discovery:

1. Physical discovery: fireworks. Detailed chapters on the basics and mechanics of sex, including contraception. She covers the wedding night in detail, dealing with expectations, and addresses whether or not they are virgins. It is sensitive, rational, detailed and helpful, encouraging couples to talk with each other and be honest about their own desires and personal choices.

She then discusses the female orgasm in some detail. I was surprised by her decision to make a distinction (as to value) between a vaginal and a clitoral orgasm. She then addresses the issues for a man who has a low libido.

2. Spiritual discovery: bliss. Here she talks about what it means to make love, rather than have sex, and the connection between the couple. This section looks at the realities of pornography use and how to proceed when either struggle with it, and also presents a range of sexual practices and gives her opinion on them.

3. Relationship discovery - laughter. These chapters encourage women to be more willing to initiate and enjoy sex with their husband, and what becoming best friends in marriage looks like:

"Sex isn’t the basis for our relationship; it’s the culmination of everything else, especially the friendship that we share"

Then she draws it to a close, basically encouraging women to enjoy sex and make it a priority.

As I flagged above, it’s interesting reading someone’s current views first, followed by their views 10 years ago. As such, my guess is there is some content in this Guide that Gregoire herself might alter if it was published now. Some things seemed a little different to the The Great Sex Rescue, and I suspect she has slightly altered her opinion over time. I don’t mind that, we all do it. But it makes it harder to read someone in reverse and then interact with what they are saying. They aren’t major things either, just some nuance. The largest difference is that this book encourages women to make good sex a priority as a way to love their husbands well. The Great Sex Rescue was much more honest about the challenges that such a message may send and removes the onus from women to be responsible for a couple’s healthy sex life.

A combination of both books together would be excellent, but as in any case - the reader should sift through and make their own decisions about what they do and do not agree with.

Personally, I didn’t like her designation of ‘good girls’ vs. ‘bad girls’, and it does certainly have a North American feel to it. She does clarify what she means, and for her ‘good girl’ doesn’t mean you are a virgin on your wedding night, or that you aren’t struggling with sexual problems, or your past that you had no control over (in fact she helpfully points out that some are actually ‘sad girls’). It’s not based on what you do, but who you are, and the fact that you are redeemed by Jesus: “if you choose to follow God, and his design for sex, you’re a good girl”. Even so, maybe it’s my age showing through, but being called a ‘good girl’ did feel a little condescending.

So, while there are minor things that I would nuance differently, and I suspect Gregoire would now also, overall, I mostly agree with what she says. Because it’s addressed to women, it is harder to recommend to couples, but men will get a lot out of it if they take the time.

I wish there was one book that covered everything about sex in Christian marriage: a truly godly and wise perspective, allowing for personal expression and experience, and helping couples to rejoice in the gift of intimacy. However, that’s unlikely. Yet this offering from Gregoire goes a long way to adding wisdom to the current collection, and as such, is now high up on my recommended reading list on this topic.

Resilient Grieving

Resilient Grieving, Dr Lucy Hone (Allen & Unwin, 2017)

This is an excellent book about grief, how it impacts and changes us, and how we learn to live with loss.

Dr Lucy Hone works in the field of resilience psychology. Living in Christchurch, she worked with people through major loss and disruption over the time of their earthquakes. Her life was then turned upside down when her daughter Abi (12) was killed in a car accident, along with two dear family friends.

As Lucy, her husband and two sons faced their devastating grief, she began to consider how her her work could interact with her grief experience. In the end, she decided she wanted to be proactive about her grieving, to take control of it.

Her reading, research and experience has produced Resilient Grieving (first published as What Abi Taught Us). She says “this book is less about what you might experience during bereavement and more about what you might do to enable the process of healthy grieving“.

The book is split into two parts.

Part 1: Recovery

This section is intended for the early days, weeks and months after a major bereavement. The first chapter suggests six strategies for coping in the immediate aftermath:

• There are no rules, do what you need. 
• Choose where to focus your attention 
• Take your time 
• Feel the pain 
• Beware of the grief ambush 
• Reestablish routines 

Further chapters consider ideas such as:

• Accepting the loss 
• Noting humans are hard wired to cope - death is normal and most people manage tragedy and trauma quite well, with time. 
• Noting the secondary losses that come with any major loss - perhaps loss of role, income, dreams, etc. 
• Choosing to find positive emotions 
• The usefulness of distraction 
• Habits of resilient thinking: realistic optimism, redefining hope, and mindfulness 
• Managing exhaustion and depression through rest and exercise 
• What family and friends can do to help. This chapter is very helpful for support people, and also includes comments about grief in children 

This was all very useful material. My only thought is that whether someone is likely to have this book and be in a state to read it in those very early days of grief, or able to process the content within. As such, this may be more of a tool for a support person, who can also put it in the grieving person’s hands when they are ready.

Part 2: Reappraisal and renewal

This considers the reality of your life after the loss, so chapters address:

• Reappraising your brave new world 
• Facing the future 
• Continuing bonds 
• Post-traumatic growth 
• Rituals and mourning the dead 

The main reason I found this book so helpful was not related to a personal grief story. Rather, I have done a Theories of Grief course at uni this semester. And so forgive me, because this next sentence will mean nothing to many - but for those that have spent time in the field it should make sense. What Hone has managed to do is turn numerous grief theories (e.g., Worden’s tasks of mourning, Attig’s relearning the world, Stroebe & Schut’s Dual Process Model, and Neimeyer’s meaning making concepts); and combine them into an easily understandable explanation that grabs the key elements of each and applies them to her own situation. What I appreciate about the various grief theories is how readily they can interact with & build on each other. Hone has developed her own pictoral grief model - a jigsaw puzzle of interlocking pieces, not linear or circular, but something that keeps needing to be fit together in a way that works for her.

So, Hone has managed to tell her own story of loss and grief, and combine it skilfully with research, producing a book that is both deeply personal as well as being a learning and guiding tool for others - readily accessible for anyone in grief. Each chapter finishes with personal questions to consider for your own situation.

This could be a very helpful guide to those charting their own way through major bereavement. In addition, it would be a valuable addition to anyone who cares for or counsels those in grief.