This is how your marriage ends

This is How Your Marriage Ends, Matthew Fray (Souvenir Press, 2022)

This new relationship book stands out with its raw honesty and frank assessment of just how awful divorce is. Fray’s life came apart when his wife left with their young son. Once he worked through his anger and blame of her, he started to think more about his role in the breakdown of their marriage. This led to a blog, relationship coaching, and now a book.

“My overarching premise is that good people who want to be married accidentally hurt one another and betray each other's trust without either partner being aware of it as it is happening until their marriage slowly becomes toxic and/or ends.” (p8)

Fray thought he was a good guy - he never hurt people intentionally, he provided, and he cared. But he came to the conclusion that good people can make bad spouses when they do not try to understand their partner’s emotions. He frames one of his key concepts around the “invalidation triple threat”.

#1 - My wife’s thoughts were wrong - what she thinks happened is wrong.
#2 - My wife’s feelings were wrong - how she feels about it is wrong.
#3 - The justifiable defence - defending or explaining your actions to justify the two things above.

“Constantly, and most of the time unconsciously, we invalidate the lived experiences of the people we love. With great conviction, we tell them to their faces that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong. We tell them that their feelings are wrong. And we tell them that their treatment of us is wrong - that it’s unfair.” (p127)

Rather, he has come to realise:

“I want to be a person who chooses to comfort and support the people I love when they feel hurt or sad or afraid rather than try to convince them that they SHOULDN’T feel these things. (p147)

“If any of us want to succeed in dating, marriage, parenting, or friendship, we need to replace this habit of judgment with something else. Curiosity. Empathy. Encouragement.” (p122)

He proposes with 6 key relationship skills to practice and master:

#1 - Choosing safety and trust over being ”right”
#2 - Know your partner almost as well as you know yourself
#3 - Differentiating between character flaws and habits
#4 - Arguing or criticising effectively - goal is not to win, but to arrive at truth.
#5 - Connection rituals
#6 - Move the dots closer

“Every day - every conversation, every moment - is an opportunity to move closer to one another or further apart. You get to choose.” (171)

Some things I liked about this book:

• His raw honesty. A man who will share in detail his emotional and physical reactions when his wife left, and his owning of his own mistakes as a result is worth listening to. It has value if it stops a divorce that could have been prevented by alarming people so much as to the consequences. (Note: he thinks his wife was right to leave him, but he grieves that it had to be that way). 

• His assessment that people are not taught how to relate well, have few skills at it, and this is something that is crucial for youth and young adults. 

“One of the ways we can make this world a better place is by getting collectively serious about educating both ourselves and younger generations about the knowledge and skills we will need to excel in our human relationships." (p39)

“We are not taught, nor are we teaching our kids the truth that nothing in life will affect us more profoundly as our closest interpersonal relationships - namely, marriage or a romantic relationship that looks and feels like marriage.” (p79)

• He challenges couples to honestly consider that their marriage should come before their kids. 

• He challenges men never to put their wife in the position of having to do something for them that their mother did. So, work together to manage the mental load, the second shift, and the emotional labour in the home. 

Other things to note:

• It’s written from a secular point of view. Which is totally fine, just different from most relationship books I review here. He is somewhat ambivalent about pornography use. It’s crass at points and includes a fair amount of swearing. I’m not convinced all concepts are referenced (e.g., his 6 second hug is very close to Gottman’s 6 second kiss). Practically, it was a bit too wordy and could have used a cleaner edit. At the same time, some more specific relationship examples might have been beneficial (often examples were about other aspects of life). 

• It really is aimed at men and how they fail their wives. Because he is a man who has done so, it has credibility, but it does seem very one-sided. I’m not sure how well it would go for a wife to read this, decide it describes her husband, and then put it in his hands. So, perhaps men need to recommend it to men. 

• On a broader note - it continues the stereotype that women are emotional and men are rational, and neither can do the other well. 

• I can see it’s usefulness for those relationships with regular conflict and with accusations of not understanding each other. It could be of help to those who are new to considering emotions and their partner’s point of view.

In conclusion, it was an interesting read. I am appreciative of extra voices in the relationship space, and there is something refreshing about someone openly admitting their failings and learnings. Having said that, if you need relationship help and want to use a book to guide you, I’d probably suggest Gottman over this (either The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) or his newer one with his wife Schwartz Gottman: Eight Dates.

Ticket to Paradise

This new offering from Universal Pictures is a fun, light-hearted romantic comedy with two big names as
the leads - Julia Roberts and George Clooney. Georgia (Roberts) and David (Clooney) have been divorced for almost 20 years, cannot stand each other, and only agree on one thing - how much they love their daughter Lily (Kaitlyn Dever).

Before she starts work as a lawyer straight out of college, Lily heads to Bali for a well-earned holiday. She meets and falls in love with Gede (Maxime Bouttier), a local seaweed farmer, and they plan to marry straight away. Georgia and David put their differences to the side and head straight out to try stop her making the same mistake they made 25 years prior.

Its filmed in absolutely beautiful settings with gorgeous tropical islands, sunsets, and oceans (apparently filmed in Queensland). As such, it feels luxurious. It’s quite a lot of fun seeing Clooney and Roberts in action, they make a good pair and the chemistry and conflict between them is enjoyable. Overall though, there’s not a lot of substance to the story, none of it goes into much depth, there’s no real major climax or surprise, and it plays it out exactly as a feel-good Hollywood romance should. Which is perfect - if that is what you’re in the mood for!

I was a guest of Universal Pictures. 

God Made Babies

God Made Babies, Justin & Lindsay Holcomb (New Growth Press, 2022)

What a fantastic addition this is to the God Made Me series, as Justin & Lindsay Holcomb give parents of little ones a head start on the conversation about where babies come from.

Like all the books in this series (10 at last count) they are aimed at toddlers and pre-schoolers, and again Trish Mahoney demonstrates her skill with eye-catching and engaging illustrations.

What I loved the most was their angle into the topic. It didn’t leap straight to people, but started with God creating the world, plants, animals, and people. 

Then they break down how reproduction works across the variety of life God has made, starting with flowers, then reptiles and birds, and finally to mammals.

Scant but adequate details are given about how a mom and dad both give a small part and they join together in the mom’s body to make a baby. Then details show how the baby grows from the size of a poppy seed to the size of a watermelon, and how it develops over that time. I think they have hit the mark with just the right amount of information for this age group. It’s accurate, with the correct words used (reproduce, sperm, egg, womb, vagina), but not too detailed. This means parents can use it as is, or if it prompts more questions they have the groundwork laid to give more information.

The explanation about flower pollination was more complicated than it needs to be at this age. But that’s a very minor quibble, and overall it’s very helpful.

If you read books to little ones, you'll want to add this one to your collection. 

I was given an ebook in exchange for an honest review.  

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (updated)

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Some readers may recall that I have reviewed a number of Gregoire's books over the last 12 months - The Great Sex Rescue, The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex & The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. 

When I reviewed the Good Girl's Guide I noted how it was likely travelling back in time in an author's mind, seeing I first read her newer writing, then turned to what was written in 2012. Thankfully, Gregoire has done a complete update, re-releasing this book alongside the new one with her husband - The Good Guy's Guide - for men. 

As such, this is not a detailed review, because much of the content from 10 years ago is similar, and I have already reviewed it, Having said that, every question I raised with the last book has pretty much been addressed or changed. I'm still uncertain whether two books are needed to cover married Christian sex. I feel like one addressed to both partners could have more value. However, the Gregoires have chosen this path, and they've done it well.   

With the overarching premise that great sex is pleasurable, intimate, and mutual, Gregoire helpfully explores three aspects of intimacy – physical, spiritual, and relational. She covers sexual intimacy, orgasm, differences in libido, and challenges that couples face, and ways to grow in love, service, and pleasure with each other. It addresses many common questions and issues, as well as areas of disappointment or concern. 

I noted that at a number of points her message to women is "you're not broken". It's sad to consider how  often she must have heard this sentiment in order to keep addressing it.

An appendix covers honeymoon sex in detail, with lots of helpful tips and guidance, without being overly prescriptive. 

This is a detailed, frank, balanced, and honest book that promotes mutual pleasure in the bedroom. It works well on its own, but will have most value being read alongside the companion volume (and in fact, the questions for couples to work through are the same in each). 

My hesitations raised at the end of The Good Guy's review remain, especially regarding the Gregoire's online presence.

Despite that, these two books are now solidly near to the top of my recommended reading for married intimacy. 

Mini fiction reviews

Time and Time Again, Ben Elton

I do appreciate Ben Elton’s writing. He and Lionel Shriver are the authors that get me thinking the most. Hugh Stanton, talented ex-soldier is challenged to consider - if you were going to go back in time to change history where would you go? What if you could go back to 1914, could you change the course of the 20th century? And if you did, would it actually be for the better? 

It’s a great premise, and a powerful one because it’s written with the arrogance of a 21st century mindset that assumes that we know more, and would have done things better. Elton challenges the reader to ask - how much damage could result, all the while trying to make improvements.


Meltdown, Ben Elton

Like all Ben Elton’s writing, it is very relevant when written, so this one published in 2009 is all about the Global Financial Crisis. Jimmy has lived the highlife for 20 years as a financial trader and he and Monica live in luxury with their kids and lots of paid help. Their friends all have high paid jobs in the industry and they help each other out with tips and investments. But what happens to them all when it all comes crashing down? A book about what’s really important when you lose everything that you thought mattered. Funny and insightful, as per Elton’s usual fare.


You Be Mother, Meg Mason

Having enjoyed other writing of Mason’s, I was eager for this one and was not disappointed. Abi, a poor uni student in the UK, has a fling with Stu, an exuberant Australian on exchange. When she discovers she’s pregnant, they decide to make a go of it in Australia. She heads out with 4-week-old Jude and turns up to discover Stu is pretty useless, his parents are unhelpful, and she is stuck in a flat in Cremorne (Sydney) in the heat of summer. On an outing, she comes across Phil, a recently widowed mother of four adult children. They connect over books, but also discover that they share similar griefs. Abi is clearly in dire need of support, and Phil seems to enjoy a project. But neither are being completely honest about their challenges, and soon Phil’s family starts to interject. I enjoyed the complexity of the characters, but also the reminders of some very familiar parts of Sydney.

The Motion of the Body Through Space, Lionel Shriver 

After years of constant solitary exercise, 60-year-old Serenata, has finally had to stop with an injured knee that now requires a replacement. Struggling to adjust to the change to her previously active life, she is somewhat surprised when her usually sedate husband Remington declares at age 62 that he is going to do a marathon. She struggles to support him, but he is determined. As his exercise regime becomes more and extreme and hers becomes more limited, it strains their relationship as they struggle to find common ground. There is a comparison to ultra exercising as a form of religion, like a cult. In fact, Shriver also deals religion a fair serve with their daughter being a recent convert to Christianity. 

Having considered the vast range of social issues and perspectives that Shriver tears down in her novels, it does raise the question of whether she is positive about anything at all. Having said, I do appreciate her dry commentary on many aspects of modern life.

    

Fight, Flight and Faith

Fight, Flight and Faith, Nikki Florence Thompson (Ark House Press, 2020)

I heard this book recommended on the Counsel Culture podcast and ordered it online sight unseen, after hearing Nikki speak about her experience of anxiety.

It was somewhat of a surprise when the book arrived and discovered that I knew several of the people who had endorsed it. Then, on starting to read it, I realised I knew who she was from many years ago, and part of the story she shared was one I was personally very familiar with.

Nikki has written a moving and poignant story of her struggle with anxiety over the last 20+ years, which developed after the accidental death of her older brother when she was 19.

This is not a theological exposition of anxiety, nor it is a treatment manual. Rather, this is a personal story that graciously invites the reader into her life and experience. We are allowed to see her journey in all its ups and downs, and in so doing, to witness her pain, challenges, and joys over the years. Her honesty is raw and open, as she shares her struggles through different seasons of grief, relationships, and fertility issues, and how anxiety continued to rear its head in various ways. Each time her own faith was stretched and matured.

The early part of the book is anchored around her brother Greg. It starts with early stories of their family and gives the background of a loving, stable home, with an older brother that Nikki adored and who had already matured beyond his years in his own faith. Their upper teenage years were the same as my own* - part of a robust, loving youth and young adults group that were on fire for Jesus in the 1990s. A time of coming to faith, of being challenged to wonder what it meant to live for Jesus, and a time of being surrounded with other young friends who were all asking the same questions. Many from those years have gone on to serve Christ in wonderfully various ways around the world. But as Nikki notes, they were the early days of heady faith, still absolutely real and true, yet not really tested by the trials of life to come: 

“I do not mean to say my faith then was not real. I believe with all my heart that it was. But it was also just the beginning. In the beginning my faith was a pure, secure space. Genuine, but tender. Grounded, but on untrodden ground. True, but untested. Encircling, but also enclosed. In the beginning my faith was safe. But, in many ways I didn't realise yet, it was also very, very small.” (p. 21)

Her retelling of the times prior to and after the accident were personally very moving to read and quickly recalled my own recollections of those years. For any reader, this will be a powerfully sad and moving story, I just found it additionally so because of the personal connection.

Nikki is honest about how anxiety started in those early months of grief, and how it impacted her.

“The truth was, anxiety didn't sit outside my relationship with God, as I suppose I expected or wanted it to. It came in there too. Anxiety … made me second-guess everything, until even my own faith felt uneasy… Was God the father in the Prodigal story, with his arms out stretched waiting to welcome me home again from the long distance I've travelled, or a disappointed parent, wagging his finger at me while I hung my head in shame? If I knew he was the first, I often felt he was the second." (p. 153)

Anxiety remained a recurring element over the years, and one she has learnt to manage through medication, good counselling and mental health care, as well as strong family and friend support, and a faith that God is with her through it all.

“The fact that anxiety is in the Bible is proof that it exists. Further, it is proof that God understands. (p. xviii)

“This isn’t a story about overcoming. But it is one about coming closer and drawing near. It is a story of becoming aware of a widened, expanded faith…This, then, is a book for anyone who shares a similar but particularly strong should voice in their ear; for anyone who thinks they ought to be better. (p. xix)

This book is beautifully written. Nikki has a PhD in Literature, and it shows. Her phrasing is wonderful, the way she weaves words together adds to the richness of the whole story. So, while it is a sad story at points and I was moved to tears, it is also delightful to read and laden with creative expression. I really appreciated how she has gently woven the story of others into her own, most notably the support of her husband Mike, but also her parents, friends, and her health care professionals (e.g., the Wise Woman and the Wise Man).

This is highly recommended reading. As I said, it’s a story of anxiety, not a “how to manage it” guide. But those who live with anxiety and those who support them will likely find much here that helps them to sort through the platitudes that some have, and instead to help them rest in their Heavenly Father’s care, despite the challenges that he allows them to face:

“I like to think anxiety taught me to accept my humanity – to be humble and realistic in my humanness in this now-and-not-yet space – and to expand to see the Father’s embodied compassion and divinity, not as something I need to stretch to touch, but as always wrapped around me, coming down to meet me. Anxiety has opened my faith-eyes to see him more clearly.” (p.218)

*I was also a friend of Greg’s. Not on the “inner circle” as it were, but more part of the main group.

His Grace is Enough

His Grace is Enough, Melissa Kruger

I loved reading rhyming books to my children. We have fond memories of time spent curled up on the couch, or before bedtime, enjoying the clever ways that authors made words fit together.

Rhyming picture books were the first books my children could ‘read’ back to us, having memorised the lilt of the familiar sounds and how they fit together. Our shelves still groan under the weight of favourites, whose words are easily recalled years later. I think of Goodnight Moon, The Little Yellow Digger, My Friend Bear and There’s a House Inside My Mummy to name but a few.

If I had still young children, this charming new picture book by Melissa Kruger would also make it to the favourites section, especially because rather than teaching about animals or machinery, it teaches little ones about God’s generous gift of grace.

His Grace is Enough starts with children hiding because they know they have done something wrong, but the mum says:

I’ve got something important
To tell you today
It’s TRUE and it’s HOPEFUL
And helps guide your way

God’s grace is enough
It’s so BIG and so FREE
His grace is enough
Both for YOU and for ME.

Kruger explains the message of sin and grace in an accessible and engaging way for young children. So, whether you make mistakes, or tell lies, or are mean to people, God knows and he offers grace. If you try to make it all better and do everything right, God still knows your heart and that you need grace.

Here’s how it works:
Jesus died on the cross
WE gain new life
Because HE suffered loss

Though we don’t deserve it
Our God is SO KIND
That’s grace pure and simple
The BEST thing to find

The repetition of God’s grace being big and free is likely to stick in little minds and become something families say together. The message is spot on, helping little ones begin to grasp God’s grace which saves freely yet also calls for change.

Indeed these are the truths proclaimed by Paul to the Ephesians:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Eph 2:4-9)

For parents and carers who are reading aloud, this fresh reminder of God’s grace might just be the balm we need as well. We also sin. We make mistakes, we hurt people, and we try to make it on our own. Just like the children around us, we need to be reminded God’s grace is freely given and his mercies are new every morning. Indeed, many of us already know the refreshment offered by God’s truths through well-crafted rhyme:

Amazing grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Isobel Lundie has shown her considerable illustrative skill, bringing to life fun, dynamic kids and adults of numerous cultures and various situations. For me, there were echoes of the wonderfully detailed Richard Scarry books I grew up on. The words are crucial to a picture book, but it’s the illustrations that sell it, and these certainly do that.

I’m excited to see that Kruger and Lundie they have another collaboration coming out later this year (Wherever You Go, I Want You to Know). It’s a treat to have wonderful Christian resources to share with the little ones in our lives.

This review was first published on TCGA last month. 

Should we stay or should we go?

Should we stay or should we go?, Lionel Shriver 

Lionel Shriver (The Mandibles, So Much For That) returns to her usual insightful self with her new release Should We Stay Or Should We Go?

The story begins in 1991 when Kay and Cyril, in their early 50s, have returned from Kay’s father’s funeral. Having watched her father’s “four years of steady deterioration and ten years of nothing but degradation” to Alzheimer’s, they make a pact to die together when they are 80, partly to avoid the same decline themselves, but also out of a strong view to avoid being a drain on the public purse. Time marches on over the following 30 years, until the fateful day of March 29, 2020 approaches. But will they go through with it? What follows is a similar idea to her earlier book,

The Post-Birthday World, where two alternate timelines play out simultaneously. Here Shriver has concocted 12 different scenarios of how it could turn out - whether one or both go through with the suicide or not, and what might follow if they do not. Each cleverly picks up a different point in the original storyline and takes it somewhere else. Some are funny, some wryly sad, some are pleasantly utopian, some science fiction, and some a horrific dystopian version of institutionalised care. There’s even an amusing self-referential nod to Shriver herself as an author. As usual, Shriver has managed to contain something of humanity at its best, worst and most mundane throughout, with the usual searing social commentary on pretty much everything from healthcare, Brexit, Covid, economic policy, and of course ageing, death, and care for the elderly.

Shriver really is one of my favourite writers.

Jack

Jack, Marilynne Robinson

I was so looking forward to reading this, the fourth of Robinson’s books that started with Gilead. In preparation I read the first three again.

With Gilead I was reminded of the gentleness of John Ames and his love for his young family as he writes to them as he ages. Home stood out more than previously, with the reality of two clerical men facing the frailty of ageing. On this read, I found Boughton more crotchety and less gracious, but also his son Jack maddeningly impotent. Lila again brought Ames’ wife to life charting her history of poverty and hard living, and changed by her slow romance and possible faith.

(Spoilers included below for those who haven’t read the first three)

I was hoping Jack would pick up again where Home left off, with Jack hopefully somehow getting his life together with Della. But Robinson chose to turn back the clock and have it set earlier than all three previous books, where Jack and Della meet and how they slowly come to be together. It’s the late 1940s and it’s illegal for a white man and a coloured woman to be together. Yet, they meet. Him in all his poverty, aimlessness, thievery, and often homelessness. Her, a Christian, and teacher with a bright future, as long as she doesn’t get in trouble and have stories circulating about her and a white man. So begins a romance that will get them both into trouble. I can see why some will love this book and everything it stands for. I just found it depressing. A search online will cover ground like Robinson’s Calvinism, which raises more theological questions than it answers. I appreciated this assessment, and agree that her concept of grace extended with no actual change or repentance seems to cheapen it. Assessing it on face value, and not theologically though, I find myself depressed by two characters who just kept moving towards each other without really being willing to face the obvious consequences. Perhaps sometimes love does conquer all. But I wonder in this case, if love conquers them instead.

Liberated: How the Bible Exalts and Dignifies Women

Liberated: How the Bible Exalts and Dignifies Women, Karen Soole

Note: this review first appeared on Themelios

Everyone who reads the Bible comes across passages that make them deeply uncomfortable and raise questions about who God is, what he values, and how his people behave. I recall my 5-year-old son asking me what rape was after reading his new “grown up Bible” and arriving at Genesis 34. Let alone my own feelings of horror upon reading Judges 19. When you take the accounts of the mistreatment of women in the Bible, and add to them the growing societal view that God is a misogynist, that Christians are patriarchally overbearing, and that the Bible regards women as second-class citizens responsible for the fall, it’s no wonder that we start to ask questions: Is God sexist? Does he value women?

Karen Soole’s refreshing offering, Liberated, seeks to “address the fear that God does not exalt or dignify women” (p. 13). She takes readers from Genesis to Revelation, encouraging them to ask “does God offer me liberation or oppression? Can I trust that God is good?” (p. 14). The bulk of attention is given to the Old Testament, acknowledging it “stands accused of being a book that has been used to establish male power and confine women” (p. 22). She does not “directly address the differences in church practice concerning women’s ministry” (p. 13), noting that this has been done extensively elsewhere.

Over the course of twelve chapters, Soole honestly and sensitively addresses the concerns raised by the presentation and treatment of women in the Bible. She explores both current and historical cultural climates, naming errors in both, for “could it be that that it is the traditions of men, not the Word of God, that is the heart of the problem?” (p. 22). She then turns to show how these concerns are met by the gospel. Each chapter brings the reader to Jesus and what he has done, for women and men alike. So, while this is indeed an informative and well researched work, it is also winsomely apologetic and evangelistic. Each chapter also finishes with questions for further thought or conversation and a small Bible study.

Beginning with creation, we see that “men and women are equally created by God, equal in dignity, and equal in worth” with a “beautiful interdependence and mutuality” (p. 30). Genesis 2 “is not pointing to the imperfection of woman; rather, it reveals the incompleteness of man, he was the one lacking” (p. 37). Exploring the fall, and the accusation that Eve was somehow more sinful than Adam, Soole observes, “Adam and Eve share responsibility, but their sin is defined differently: Eve was deceived, and Adam was disobedient. Both are guilty” (p. 47).

Continuing through the Old Testament, Soole explores the fallout of sin in relationships (e.g., Tamar and Judah) and then arrives at Judges 19, an account of such evil that no one can be unaffected by it:

Why does the Bible describe such ugliness? Not because God approves of it.… It isn’t there to show us how to live but how we do live. It is here because God doesn’t hide from us the depths of savagery we are capable of. We may want to close our eyes and ears to this woman’s cries, but God wants us to see and understand. What happened to this woman is a reflection of what has happened to other young women. (p. 92)

These hard passages are dealt with sensitively and openly. I appreciated Soole’s willingness to deal with almost every uncomfortable presentation of women in the Bible. At points I wondered if these chapters moved a little too quickly past the issues they raised and to the gospel message. Sometimes we need to dwell in God’s compassion and mercy and meditate on how he stands by us in our pain and our distress. Suggestions for how to manage these passages with pastoral sensitivity may also have been helpful, although she models this implicitly.

Chapter 8 (“Worrying Laws”) addresses the Old Testament teaching concerning polygamy, rape, trials, and purification. Soole presents an interesting interpretation of Numbers 5 (the test for an unfaithful wife), suggesting that it is entirely determined by a supernatural answer, rather than being a trial by ordeal. She also suggests that the purification laws of Leviticus 12:1–8, which decree fourteen days of uncleanness after delivering a daughter (compared to seven for a son), could be for physiological reasons, to avoid the temptation of cult fertility practices, and to protect a woman from the retrying for a son too soon after delivery (p. 120). Not all passages that describe intriguing ways of treating women were addressed (e.g., Lev 27:1–9, Num 30–31), but the general principles were mostly covered.

Regarding education and wisdom, she draws on the wise woman of Proverbs 31 and Abigail’s interactions with David (1 Sam 25), noting that God values women with integrity, skills and wisdom, which can be used for good inside and outside the home. By way of application, she argues,

There is considerable freedom for women to engage in intellectual pursuits, choose challenging careers, or work at home or in their communities. But their minds should stir beyond the domestic sphere, and their eyes should be raised far beyond career opportunities. God’s Word encourages women to lift their thoughts to even higher things and to seek true wisdom. (p. 139)

Soole reflects on how the Bible uses the image of an adulterous wife to demonstrate Israel’s rebellion against God. It is a graphic illustration that “is there to help us grasp the impact of our rejection of God and to feel the weight of our indifference and dismissal of God” (pp. 153–54). Finally, she turns to marriage, noting that “some Christians give the impression that marriage is the ultimate goal in life” (p. 157). She honors both singleness and marriage, and rightly laments that a distortion of submission has resulted in the abuse of some women. Instead, “God’s design for marriage is not one of control and ownership but a relationship for the mutual good of the other” (p. 168).

While there is no chapter on Jesus’s interactions with women, many of these are woven throughout as a way of bringing the reader to the gospel (e.g., the woman at the well). There may have been value in drawing these together more explicitly, and including some other passages (e.g., the woman anointing Jesus with perfume, and the Syrophoenician woman).

Her conclusion, straight from God’s heart and written in his word, is that women (and men) are valuable and created in God’s image. God cares for them and loves to protect them, even though there are times when the world’s evil is all too prominent. Yes, all are sinful and fall short. Yet Jesus came to save women (and men), offering them new life—honoured, respected, loved, and redeemed.

While many who are drawn to read Liberated will likely be women, it is a book written for everyone and relevant for all, whether new Christians, those exploring who God is, those established in churches, or those in church leadership.

Being There

Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting, Dave Furman (Crossway, 2016)

Are you walking alongside people who are suffering? Perhaps your friend has cancer, your spouse has a disability, your sister struggles with infertility, your work friend has recently lost their parents, or you have a pastoral care role in your church. How do you care for people well and wisely, bringing the aroma of Christ with you?

“The goal of this entire book is to point you to Jesus, who is your only hope, and to walk you through some ways you can love those who hurt with the strength God provides.“ (p. 19)

Dave Furman is a pastor, married with four children, and has lived with intensive nerve pain in his arms for over ten years. He cannot do many things, like hold his children or help with wife with practical tasks, and needs assistance with tasks like putting on his shoes.

“I am writing out of my experience of being helped in incredible ways by others in my disability… This is not another book about suffering for the one who suffers. It’s a book for everyone who knows people who suffer from pain and loss and wants to see the Rock of Ages underneath their feet. I think it’s safe to say that this is a book for all of us.” (p. 18)

The first two chapters give an anchor point. Firstly, he allows the carer to grieve their loss in another’s pain. We can grieve the circumstance, and weep at what we might give up to serve another, yet still have hope that sustains us through it all.

Secondly, Furman encourages the carer to invest in their own relationship with God. Only if we are anchored in Christ and his certain hope can we keep helping, but if we are not walking with God, we will have no strength to help. “Your strength to care for the hurting comes directly from Christ.” (p. 38)

The remainder of the chapters explore practical ways to help those who hurt. These include:

• Being a faithful friend. This includes being silent when needed, sticking around for the long term, being honest about your own life and challenges, forgiving their failings when they are rude, and finding things to laugh about as appropriate. 

• Speaking language of hope. This book is aimed at Christians and he gives some excellent practical examples about how to do this, but he does also address how to speak to unbelievers. 

• Serving like Jesus. Being willing to do the menial tasks, being careful with our words, and analysing our hearts to see if we are serving to be noticed and thanked. 

• Praying for the sufferer, including prayer for healing, and encouraging the sufferer to persist in prayer as well. 

• Being able to have hard conversations, for “when you are caring for the hurting, it is inevitable that their circumstances will bring out their sin”. He encourages us to lovingly and carefully rebuke and bring them to Christ. 

• A list of things not to do. There are similarities here with Nancy Guthrie’s What Grieving People Wish You Knew...  These include don’t be the fix it person, don’t compare, don’t make it their identity, don’t be hyper spiritual and don’t pledge general non-specific help. 

• The church’s role in graciously pursuing and caring for the hurting. 

I really appreciated his honest conclusion:

"I hope you’re not disappointed after reading this book to discover that I don’t have the perfect equation for loving the hurting. There’s no recipe you can follow that will give you the finished product in the precise way you’d like. This side of heaven there will be pain and sorrow, and we will at times be helpful and at other times we will be hurtful. Only Jesus perfectly loves the hurting." (pp. 144-145).

This is a wise and honest guide about the challenge of being a helper, with the encouragement to find your strength in Jesus, who leads us in the way of service.

Andy Weir

I was excited to discover Andy Weir has written two books since The Martian. 

Project Hail Mary

The most recent release, Project Hail Mary, is fantastic. Set in space, it’s as intelligent and creative as The Martian. Ryland Grace wakes up from a long coma, with no knowledge of who he is or where he is. It becomes apparent though that he is a scientist, and through the slow retrieval of his memory as well as applying his extensive knowledge base, he establishes he’s a very long way from earth. Woven throughout the current timeline is the history of how he got there. An extinction level event threatened earth, and he became one of the experts on the cause and hopeful solution. Now it seems that entire future of humanity rests on this expedition, yet he is alone, with limited resources. Or is he? 

Not wanting to give more of the story away than the back cover does, I’m hesitant to say more. But I will say this is an inventive and clever book. It’s fun, it’s gripping, and while clearly space fantasy, it also it has a touch of realism. You feel like it just might happen. There’s lots of science, maths, engineering, and language to interest, as well as humour and an understanding of how people work. Proving that Weir can write from the perspective of a variety of characters (contrast below), this one has no swearing.

I couldn’t put it down, neither could Miss 16. I wouldn’t be surprised if this also is turned into a movie, like The Martian.

Artemis

While still an interesting story, I didn’t think this was as good as either of his other two. Based on the 

moon settlement of Artemis - Jazz is a smuggler. She has grown up there, never having lived on earth. She is asked to pull off a big job for a local high flyer, in the hope of disrupting the monopoly that supplies the settlement’s air supply. Yet Jazz gets more than she bargained for, and finds herself in the middle of a major run in with the mob. Weir has concocted an interesting idea of what a moon settlement could like like, with a stable population, mainly catering to industry and tourists. His scientific knowledge again comes to the fore as he considers the impact of living on the moon on the human body, on industry, as well as the reality of base human nature. For those that like to know: it’s pretty crass throughout with a fair amount of swearing and sexual references.

The Secrets of Dumbledore

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore 

Ms 14 and I had a very enjoyable time seeing the new Fantastic Beasts movie, the third in the series: The Secrets of Dumbledore.

You definitely want to have seen the first two to know the story and characters, and it picks up soon after the second movie left off, where Grindelwald has gained power, enticing Queenie to go with him, and the revelation that Credence is a Dumbledore.

As we open, Grindelwald (now Mads Mikkelsen, rather than Johnny Depp) is trying to gain power of the wizarding world, building a support base mainly through Germany. The allusions to the Third Reich here are not subtle.

Dumbledore (Jude Law) gathers a slightly odd, unlikely team together to try to stop him. Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) returns in his slightly baffled, endearing way, accompanied by his brother Theseus, assistant Bunty, and Muggle baker Jacob. They are joined by a new American Charms Professor Lally, and wizard Yusuf.

Fans who love the creatures will appreciate the return of Niffler Teddy, always gathering up shiny objects; and Pickett, the Bowtruckle who lives in Newt’s pocket. One key addition is the Qilin, who is said to be able to identify a pure heart. The magical creatures aren’t as prevalent in this movie as in previous ones, although they do provide some fun entertainment along the way.

It’s your standard Wizarding World good vs evil story, and it’s an enjoyable one. People have to consider the actions of their past, and what it means to make the right choice rather than the easy one. There have also been rumours circulating for years about Dumbledore’s sexuality, and it is made more clear in this movie.

It’s a satisfying ending too. While it’s rumoured there will be five movies all up, this didn’t leave you hanging. 

A solid addition to the series, one that fans are likely to appreciate and enjoy.


I was a guest of Universal Pictures Australia.

Who am I and why do I matter?

Who Am I and Why Do I Matter? Chris Morphew (Good Book Company, 2022)

If you spend time with nine-to-thirteen-year-olds, you know they are asking big questions. Sure, they may not actually verbalise them—but there is a lot they are thinking about: Am I loved? Do I matter? Who can I trust? Does the world make sense?

Although, let’s be honest, these are questions we all ask. That’s why Chris Morphew’s Who Am I and Why Do I Matter? is so helpful.

Morphew dives right in, acknowledging his readers have valid queries and important things to ponder. While aimed at tweens, this could also be appealing to older teenagers, and helpful for parents and youth group leaders. I certainly appreciated it.

He begins by considering the usual ways people try to answer these questions:

• Perhaps I matter because of what I have, or how I look, or what I do;
• Maybe I just need to be true to myself and do what makes me happy; or
• I should just listen to what others say about me.

Without being remotely condescending, he then clearly exposes the faults in each of these myths. The reader is led to wonder where they might go for answers:

[W]hat we really need is something bigger than ourselves, bigger than people, to lead us and guide us. Which brings us to God. (38)

From here, Morphew winsomely explains the gospel message—God loves us personally:

God doesn’t just say people matter.
He says you matter.

God doesn’t just love people.
He loves you.

God doesn’t just invite people into his incredible, glorious purpose and plan for the world.
He invites you.” (49)

Whether we think we’re pretty good, or we despair at the ways we mess up, Jesus came to die for us: “Without Jesus, everyone is lost. But with Jesus, anyone can be found.” (58)

Morphew explicitly names the challenges young people face today and provides the clear solution in Jesus:

The world is full of voices telling you who you are, and who you should be.
Voices telling you that you don’t measure up.
Voices telling you that you need to prove yourself.
Voices telling you that if you just buy this new thing, or have this new experience, or … maybe then it will all make sense, and you can finally be that happy, fulfilled self that the world keeps promising you.

And it’s exhausting, right?
And, more than that, it’s a lie.

But the incredible news is that Jesus offers you a better way. (65-66)

The remainder of the book considers what it looks like practically to believe in Jesus, to trust him, and to let him shape you. Morphew discusses forming good habits, reading God’s word, and resting. As he does so, Morphew manages to balance honesty with humour, and challenging words with comforting truths. Rather than talking down to his audience, he openly addresses questions, and is frank about some of the challenges of following Jesus. He has a clear desire for his reader to know Jesus—to grasp they have purpose and value because they are loved and precious to him. Readers will sense he actually cares.

Morphew is an Australian author and chaplain, and clearly understands tweens. Perhaps an extra drawcard for younger readers is Morphew authored some of the Zac Power books. It is probably pitched more at the upper end of the nine-to-thirteen-year-old age group, because of the vocabulary and comments about social media. Or maybe it’s just that I hold out hope that under 12s aren’t on social media platforms. Who Am I and Why Do I Matter? is one of four in a “Big Questions” series. I am now keen to read the others.

I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

Review first published on TGCA. 

A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really)

A Brief Theology of Periods (Yes, Really), Rachel Jones (The Good Book Company, 2021)

Bet you didn’t see that one coming! This is such a great book. Yes, it’s anchored in a rather specific topic, but as all women (and many sensible men) know - this impacts a large amount of our lives. Whether it’s the onset of menarche and how girls learn to adjust, or the practicality of tracking your cycle (either for life planning or fertility reasons) for an average of 40 years, to the onset of menopause and the relief or sadness this can bring.

Yet it’s rarely spoken about, even amongst women. So, Jones decided to face that head on, because this is part of who women are, with our bodies given to us by a loving creator and yet with all the complications that come with inhabiting our fallen world:

“Whoever you are, my aim is that you reach the end of this book celebrating who God has made you and how God has saved you, and the fact that he speaks liberating and positive truth into all of life’s experiences - even the bloody ones.” (p. 17)

Jones writes with a strong desire to look at all of life theologically. She begins by explaining how periods work (Chapter 1: So Much Potential). This is done so well, with a mix of facts and humour. I loved her comments on various hormones:

“Progesterone is a nurturing soul who's there to support a pregnancy if you need her to, but she's got great health benefits too, like building bone tissue. She's the kind of hormone who would prefer a “gathering” to a house party, and who can sometimes be found crying in the bathroom."

Moving on she considers how amazing it is that God has created the human body, including the wonder that a women can grow a baby. All of this means that periods are part of God’s plan and his creation:

“[Periods] are not beyond the scope of theology; nor are they somehow so gross as to be beneath the category of a discipleship issue. Since our bodies are important, and since our female bodies are doing something particular…we should expect that this will affect us physically, emotionally and spiritually, to one degree or another.” (p. 30)

The pain and discomfort of periods and childbirth, and the struggles and grief of infertility remind us that our bodies are finite and affected by the fall (Ch 2: So Much Pain). We are weak, and we suffer, and we can find comfort that Jesus enters into our suffering and he takes away our sin. He is beside us in our weakness, yet he also redeems us, and uses our weakness for good.

Jones then turns to the reality that many women feel: it’s not often about the pain, but rather about the shame (Ch 3: So Much Mess). Most women have a horror period story, and it’s all shame related: what someone saw, or what happened when you were unprepared. Here she explores Leviticus and the law on women and discharges, offering some ideas about why God made the law this way. She has wise things to say here, about cleanness vs uncleanness vs holiness; and then takes us to the New Testament to see that true uncleanness comes from our hearts, not our bodies. She also interacts with the Period Pride movement, showing both its value and its limitations.

Throughout Jones makes some helpful links about how a period can be a reminder of other truths, here is one she suggests: a period is a reminder that our true uncleanness comes from our hearts and what we say and do, not what comes out of our bodies. Do we stop each month and consider our hearts?

Chapter 4 (So Many Feelings) celebrates that we are created to feel a range of emotions, and there can be a wonderful variety to them. Yet, the reality is that hormones do impact women, and we need to consider our behaviour and how we act at these times. One of my own personal statements around this in our household is “it might be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse”.

"Turn to Google for wisdom on managing hormone-related emotions or outbursts and the majority of advice you'll find essentially boils down to self-care, self-justification and self-acceptance.

The Bible would have us start in a different place. What it offers is no less comforting than any of those things, but rather a whole lot more: Christ's care, Christ’s justification and Christ's acceptance of us. That's the place to start, whatever the struggle or seen that we’re dealing with and on whatever day of the month we are facing it." (p. 77)

Finally (5: So little time) considers menopause and the reminder it is of our mortality and that our time on earth is short. I like where she goes with this, leading us to consider how seriously we taking Jesus’ commission to make disciples of all nations with the time that God gives us. A period could be a cause for reflection:

"What disciple making have I done this month? Where have I nurtured spiritual life? Have I played a part in bringing new spiritual life into the world? …

We can take Day One as a moment to check our priorities and re-commit ourselves to the great commission." (pp. 96-97)

She finishes with the reminder that Christ’s blood shed for us will wash us clean:

"Blood speaks. Right through this book we have seen how our periods speak both of curse and blessing, of groaning and gift, of pain and beauty, of Abel and Christ, of sin and salvation. They are, in a way, a jarring picture of what it means to live in a mixed-up world on its way to redemption… Life in a woman's body might sometimes make us weep; but from that day onwards, our tears will turn into joy." (p. 109)

An appendix addresses questions and answers. Two that stood out to me was to include discussion about periods and how they affect a woman in marriage preparation for couples, and for pastors to be willing to speak about women’s health issues from the pulpit. Wise advice.

All in all, this is an excellent book. Jones has the right balance of Biblical and theological consideration, wisdom, honesty, humour and challenge. It will have obvious appeal for many women, and there would be great benefit for teenage girls as well, although some aspects of it may go over their heads. Of course, men will also benefit from reading this. All of us should long to understand more of the lives of those around us, with a God-honouring framework that both encourages and challenges.

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia

Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia, John Dunlop, MD (Crossway, 2017)

What a helpful, wise and compassionate book this is. 

John Dunlop writes with decades of experience as a geriatrician, personal experience of the dementia of three of his and his wife’s parents, and his own longstanding Christian faith.

“Over the years as I have been confronted with dementia, I have failed to recognise any purpose for it, yet I believe it is my responsibility to search out what God’s reason may be. This book is my attempt to explore God’s possible purposes in allowing this horrible disease. But even when I do not fully understand, I have learned I can still trust him.“ (p. 16)

The overarching message is that all people are made in the image of God, and therefore possess inherent dignity and worth. God does not have a gradation of his image: “Human dignity is equally as true of the Nobel Laureate as of the most severe dementia sufferer who is totally dependent on others.” (p. 24) There is great value in the fact that people with dementia still experience feeling and are capable of relationships.

“The experience of dementia can help teach us what our true value is, and embracing it may make the prospect of dementia less threatening and fearful.” (pp. 15-16)

Dunlop explains the facts of dementia: its various types, how diagnosis is made and when it should be made, what some treatment options are, and when to consider medical care directives.

He describes what it feels like for the person with dementia, and then the experience of being a caregiver, acknowledging “the patient is not the only victim of this dreadful disease; caregivers are just as much, if not more, affected by it.” He doesn’t shy away from or avoid the challenges that many face.

Dunlop then considers what he believes is the heart of the issue: “honouring God in and through the tragedy of dementia”. These aspects include:

• recognising the things that God values - such as people, feelings, relationships, and the present moment. 
• respecting the dignity of those with dementia - with our time and energy, respecting their autonomy as much as possible, preserving their dignity, and entering their world. 
• meeting the physical, social, emotional and spiritual needs of those with dementia, as well as their carers. 
• how the church should respond. Importantly the church must teach the gospel, be honest that we all will suffer and what it means to be fully human. Obviously serving and caring for those with dementia and their carers should be high on the list, particularly spiritual needs. 

One particular comment of Dunlop’s struck me:

“Allow me to share with you one of my dreams: picture a local church taking time to commission a caregiver to the ministry to which God has called them. We commission our missionaries, our pastors, and our Sunday School teachers. How about our caregivers?” (p. 150)

He wants us all to grow through the experience of dementia - growth in prayer life for all as they lament, ask, give thanks, and trust God. There can be growth for those with dementia, for caregivers, for the church and for our wider community as we seek to care for, love, and honour those who live with this difficult and heart-wrenching disease.

Dunlop finishes by practically addressing end of life issues, and then leads the reader to the promises of God and life eternal, where there will be no more dementia, no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain.

This is an openly Christian book, offering hope and solace to those to those who already cling to the promises of God, both now and in the life to come. As such, it will have very real value for those in our churches who are affected by dementia. I think it could be given to every person (and their caregivers) with a dementia diagnosis, as a way of reaching out and beginning the process of support and care, recognising the challenges that lie ahead.

Darkest Night, Brightest Day

Darkest Night, Brightest Day, Marty Machowski (New Growth Press, 2022)

Families with primary age children are often on the lookout for resources that help them explore the Easter story, balancing both the passion week and the joy of Jesus’ resurrection.

Marty Machowski has created this great book, Darkest Night, Brightest Day that does exactly that, with seven days of readings that cover the week leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion, and then seven days on Jesus’ resurrection appearances, finishing with Pentecost. The illustrations by Phil Schorr are simple, colourful and clear.

Machowski has collated all the gospel readings together to make one coherent account, so it reads simply and logically, as if straight from the bible. It’s sewn together with skill, with some aspects 

explained further to assist with understanding. Each chapter is two to three pages of text, and would probably take under 10 minutes to read aloud. There are a few questions at the end of each chapter, with answers provided in small font if needed. It’s designed to have the Darkest Night chapters as one half of the book, with its own cover. Then after seven days of readings, on Easter morning - you switch the book over and with a new cover for Brightest Day, read the next seven days. 

I really like its simplicity. There are no fancy crafts or activities, no extra things to do. God’s word is allowed to speak for itself. This also means it isn’t asking too much of busy or weary parents. While it may struggle to hold the attention of pre-schoolers, it would be great for primary age kids, and even younger high schoolers would still benefit from reading this with their family over Easter. The appeal for older kids might actually be its simplicity, my children definitely grew out of devotionals that required activities around the end of primary school. This doesn’t ask much of them, but still enables them to listen to and interact with the biblical accounts. I suspect many adult readers will also see afresh how the events around the resurrection fit together, and how through Jesus we really have moved from darkest night to brightest day.


I received an ecopy of this book in exchange for an honest review. 

The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex

The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr Keith Gregoire (Zondervan, 2022)

Warning: this is a reasonably long review, with detailed discussion of marital sex.

Regular readers will know I have read a few of Gregoire’s books in recent months. The Great Sex Rescue (2021) focussed on problems with evangelical teaching on sex and tried to change the message. It was good, but also combative, and tried to do a bit too much. That led me to Gregoire’s earlier book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (2012). My review of that was very positive, but also noted that she seemed to have changed in her thinking in the intervening decade, and I would have been keen to know what she would alter now.

So, I am very pleased to hear that Gregoire is re-releasing a completely updated version of The Good Girl’s Guide next month, and has also written this companion guide for men with her husband: The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

Both Husband and I have read it and think it’s very good and has a lot to offer. There are three main sections and I’ll go through each.

Up close and personal (Part 1) - talks about what great sex is:

“Vulnerability, intimacy, orgasm – they're all designed to go together. That's what great sex is supposed to be, something that is at once physical, emotional, and spiritual. Emotional intimacy (trust and vulnerability), spiritual intimacy (feeling like you're one), and physical intimacy (the fireworks) – lose any one aspect, and you miss great sex entirely." (p.8)

They explain both the medical and practical aspects of how sex works, including a list of terms defined, details of how a woman’s monthly cycle works, and various types of contraception. I was surprised they didn’t include some basic diagrams here of male and female anatomy, obviously assuming more than just basic knowledge now exists in the general populace.

They then turn to the sexual response cycle, and how it can vary. For some (often men) desire leads to excitement, then arousal (called spontaneous desire), for others (often women) excitement leads to desire, then arousal (responsive desire). For couples to figure this out can be especially helpful. For if one is turned on and wants to have sex prior to any touch, and the other needs the touch to be interested and aroused, it can create tension if the difference is not understood.

There is a fair focus on the woman in these chapters:

“It works best for her if she can stop multitasking in her head, start concentrating on what’s happening in her own body, and just let herself experience it… For sex to work well, a women usually has to be a little “selfish” and pay attention to what’s going on in her body, and a man has to be unselfish and also pay attention to what’s going on in her body.” (pp. 25-26)

Part 2 considers in depth the three components of great sex: “sublimely pleasurable, totally mutual, and completely intimate” (p. 36), or in more words “learning how everything works physically, creating a great friendship that fuels your passion, and experiencing deep connection while you make love.” (p. 122).

The bulk of the book explores the three areas in depth.

Chapters on physical pleasure look at orgasm in detail, particularly for women. In fact, it was highly focussed on orgasm, stating women should orgasm most of the time, that it’s the husband’s job to make this a priority, and that sex works better when women orgasm first. My husband agreed that the responsibility falls to the man to ensure her pleasure, yet also wondered whether this could put more pressure on the wife to enjoy sex. There’s a careful balance point needed here, which we think they mostly got right. They also address some issues in this area, such as painful sex and erectile dysfunction.


Next, they turn to emotional companionship and closeness, and how this is much more important that the mechanics of sex. One of the helpful aspects of this discussion was the concept of the mental load that women bear. If men want to connect with their wife, help shoulder that load. You shoulder the load together because you are a team. They confront the idea that a husband should help in order to get sex - which makes sex transactional rather than relational. No, he helps because he cares, and it’s his home too:

“He isn’t doing dishes to get sex. He's doing dishes because that's what he should do. He's an adult. He eats. He dirties dishes. So he does dishes because he's a decent, mature, responsible human being – and women tend to be attracted to decent, mature, responsible human beings!” (p. 102)

They also consider how kids impact marriage, and give helpful suggestions for husbands to help in this area, enabling their wife to not always be only “mum”.

“But you can’t wait for vacations to nurture sex in marriage. If your relationship is going to be strong, sex has to be good even in the middle of the chaos. Yes, life is tiring. Yes, you have tons of competing demands on your time. Yes, kids are exhausting. But your relationship can be the anchor that helps you give you energy to handle all those other parts of your life. So grow your friendship. Shoulder your share of the load. And be thankful that, even in the chaos, you’re in this together.” (p. 109)

The third and largest section explores spiritual intimacy and oneness, noting that true connection cannot happen when there is shame or secrets between you, turning to the common areas that can be roadblocks. These include past trauma, triggers, and when we make sex sound ugly rather than loving and connected. I think the next three chapters are the most valuable and helpful for men:

1. Is sex a need? Considering the false idea that men need sex and that wives have been encouraged to make sure they provide it.

“When we make sex an obligation, then it’s no longer about a knowing. Rather, it becomes an owing. And that doesn’t build intimacy, it destroys it.” (p. 137)

Gregoire is frank here and appropriately so. He points out the complete wrongness of marital rape or any sexual coercion. In considering times when sex is off the table, such as for a period or postpartum, he notes: her pain is not a difficult time for you, this is a difficult time for her.

“If you were bleeding out of your genitals, would your first thought be how difficult it might be for your wife not to have access to them?” (p.142)

2. Considering the myths and facts of pornography. 

“Just because you used porn in the past does not mean your marriage is doomed. Keep using porn today, though? You’ll create a world of hurt.” (p. 147)

Again, bluntly, they state the realities of pornography use including: it is a betrayal of your wife, if you deflect responsibility to her you make everything worse, that the majority of Christian men experience victory over porn, and most past porn users recover. So, an equal measure of warning and hope.

3. Lust, which is often framed as problem with men’s purity but rather than an assault on women’s personhood, teaching that female bodies are sources of evil. In addition, if we say that every man lusts, we have normalised lewd behaviour.

“Men, we are capable of treating women with dignity. And when we do that, women will feel safer. Women will feel valued. And our marriages will fare better than if we portray lust as a never-ending battle that we will always be fighting - and losing.” (p. 173)

Finally, they turn to the chapter that is in every sex book - about spicing things up. There were wise boundaries here: for the key to passion in the bedroom for her is safety - knowing her comfort level matters to you, that your relationship is safe, and she doesn’t have to perform to keep your interest.

“Spicing things up has to be done not because you’re dissatisfied with her but because you want to experience more of her.” (p. 175)

Putting it all together (part 3) focusses on libido differences, “when you want more”.

They divide libido differences here into two categories - preference differences and when it is a problem. With preference differences, especially when sex is still happening quite frequently, they encourage the practicing of contentment, for:

“lack of contentment with frequency of sex, when sex is objectively frequent can create major problems in the long run.” (p. 189)

When libido differences become a problem though, they have a useful list of tough self-analysis questions for husbands, which include:

• do you ensure she feels pleasure?
• has sex been depersonalising?
• have you broken trust with your wife?
• do you practice good hygiene?
• are you emotionally vulnerable with your wife?

Appendix 1 helps the husband-to-be get ready for the honeymoon, with some wise and measured advice about expectations and starting out well, whether or not you have any sexual experience. Having said that, it really felt like a book aimed at those already in the married relationship.

Appendix 2 has some great questions for husbands and wives to work through together (apparently there are sets in both books). Throughout the book, they strongly encourage the use of skilled counsellors and experts (e.g., in overcoming pornography) when needed.


There are a few big picture things that could have been done better:

1. An overarching theological framework of sex would have been a great starting point. Something like: God made sex, sex is good, it’s a gift for a couple to enjoy together. Sin has marred it, and changed it. Yet, through Christ we have both forgiveness and redemption, and our sex lives can grow as we grow in Christ. 
2. The starting point was a little problem focussed, it started with the concerns about sex: “I don’t get enough, it’s not how I want it, my wife and I are on a different page”, etc. In fact, early on it is worded around helping your wife enjoy sex so that she wants it as much as you. And so, 
3. Sometimes I found the different messages for him vs her less helpful, even though they may often be true. They say: the wife gets the “rah-rah” book and he gets the “here’s how you can be her knight in shining armor book - because you can be your wife’s hero in the bedroom” (p. 4). There was a tendency to make it all about her (which frankly is a nice change, but I wasn’t sure if it didn’t swing too far in that direction). 

And a few minor things that weren’t as great:

1. Research is included to back up their position. This can be helpful, but they haven’t found the best way to present it. There are (thankfully) less tables and figures than The Great Sex Rescue, but they still aren’t easy to interpret. While some statistics are useful, quoting stats to a decimal point is overkill. (e.g. it’s much more readable to say 53% of women orgasm this way, rather than 55.3%).
2. This is being picky - but one statement really sat uneasily with me. Talking about multiple orgasm - i.e. once you figure it out, “you can thrust to your heart’s content (or to the content of other body parts), and she can keep climaxing the whole time!” (p. 58). It still seemed to turn her pleasure into being about him, and at a deeper level creates a level of expectation on women that not all may be able to or desire to fulfil. 

Having said that, this was one of only a few statements that sat uneasily, which means that we felt the majority of the book was a helpful tone, balanced, acknowledging issues and frankly addressing them, but giving hope for change and growth in a marriage that enjoys safe and secure sex.

Overall this is a very helpful wise and measured book for husbands who want both to love and honour their wives, and to care for them in and out of the bedroom. I recommend it for all husbands and look forward to reading the new updated version for women.


***

Extra note:
I feel it’s important to say that while I really like and will recommended this book, and suspect I will feel the same about the updated book for women, I am uncomfortable with the way the authors speak about other people. Their blog is increasingly combative and rude. They identify other Christian authors that have spoken about sex in a way that they disagree with, and attack them frequently. I agree that much of the church’s teaching has been unhelpful and that has been exacerbated by some writings on sex in marriage, however the Gregoires now seem to be painting themselves as the saviours of the evangelical sexual message, and decrying others who have different messages. They are neither gracious nor kind, and that is disappointing.