Kids are worth it! part 1 of 2

Kids are worth it! Barbara Coloroso

As more people read my blog, more people suggest reading material (which I love, by the way). Someone has even given me a book and others have given me book vouchers – what a treat! A while ago a parent of teenagers suggested this book. It took me a while to find the revised edition, but I have done so and have finally read it.

Kids are worth it! (subtitled – giving your child the gift of inner discipline) by Barbara Coloroso has some great suggestions, ideas and principles.

Today I’m going to go through some of the main strengths of the book, and then tomorrow I’ll make some more general comments and mention some of my hesitations. I’ve spread it over two days so that the posts aren’t too long!

Her three overarching tenets for parenting techniques are as follows:

• Kids are worth it (which includes all kids, not just your own)
• I will not treat a child in a way I myself would not want to be treated
• If it works, and leaves a child’s dignity and mine intact, do it. (p3-4)

The main area where I liked what she had to say was with discipline. It helped me to see a more helpful framework for considering discipline in our home. Her four steps of discipline are:

1. Show children what they have done wrong
2. Give them ownership of the problem
3. Help them find ways of solving the problem
4. Leave their dignity intact (p79)

She goes on to outline consequence – discipline involves ‘real-world consequences’. “It deals with the reality of the situation with the control of the adult” (p80). If real-world consequences are not life-threatening, morally threatening or unhealthy – her theory is let the child experience the real-world consequences. (eg. if a child spills their drink, they need to learn to clean it up and have a plastic cup, rather than be sent to their room. Or, if a teenager smashes the car, they need to organise and pay for the repair, and take the bus until repairs are made, rather than being grounded.)

However, sometimes the natural consequences aren’t there or they don’t add much to learning – so then it’s time to consider reasonable consequences. For this, she used RSVP as a way to check if a consequence is reasonable:

• R – Is it reasonable? Does it make sense? A toddler couldn’t sweep up the broken glass, but she can get out a plastic one to use next time.
• S – Is it simple? You don’t need detailed lists of rules – but rather the idea of ‘if you have a problem, you need to have a plan for solving it’.
• V – It is valuable as a learning tool? Having to replace a damaged library book is more valuable that saying you can’t borrow books from the library any more.
• P – Is it practical? Saying you can’t go to school until your bed is made isn’t practical. Saying you won’t be able to play after school until your bed is made is practical.

She finished the chapter on all this with this quote from James Hymes:

building a conscience is what discipline is about. The goal is for a youngster to end up believing in decency, and acting – whether anyone is watching or not – in helpful and kind and generous and thoughtful ways. (p89)

I found these principles helpful and they made me think about how we can choose natural and logical consequences for behaviour or other problems. Really helpful stuff.