Calvin - Chapter 2

Chapter 2: What it is to Know God, and to What Purpose the Knowledge of Him Tends.

As I read these chapters I am amazed at how succinct, yet how meaty Calvin is. I want to quote the whole chapter because it is all gold.

As both Cathy & Meredith have already discussed, piety is a big theme so far. It's taking me a while to get my head around the idea of piety. It's a term we rarely use anymore, which is a shame. Calvin gives us a definition of piety:

that reverence joined with love of God which the knowledge of his benefits induces. For until men recognize that they owe everything to God, that they are nourished by his fatherly care, that he is Author of their every good, that they should seek nothing beyond him - they will never yield him willing service. (Ch 2, pt 1, p41)

Today when the term pious is applied to someone, it is rarely a compliment. Rather, it tends towards an accusation of self-righteousness (as Cathy also pointed out). However, when you see true piety, you recognise it. G & I know two men who we have recently described as pious, using the full complimentary meaning of the term - they are men who truly seek to serve God & do so obediently, because of their great love for him. When you see true piety, it is a joy to behold.

Calvin claims that piety is required to know God, to know him as creator and sustainer of all things, let alone knowing him as saviour and redeemer. In doing so, we acknowledge that all good comes from God, and from nowhere else.

When we seek to know God, what we want to know is "what sort he is and what is consistent with his nature" (p41). What God do we know?

the pious mind does not dream up for itself any god it pleases, but contemplates the one and only true God (p42)

Our knowledge of God serves to teach fear and reverence, and then with it guiding us, we learn to seek every good.

He ends the chapter with a rather pointed comment:

all men have a vague general veneration of God, but very few really reverence him; and whenever there is great ostentation in ceremonies, sincerity of heart is rare indeed. (p43)

This comes back to piety doesn't it? A piety that is self-righteous will want to be showy, to proclaim the greatness of man while giving lip-service to God. True piety will never be ostentatious, as the desire is to give God, and God alone, the glory. Or as the reformers, such as Calvin, claimed: Soli Deo Gloria (for the glory of God alone).

It seems appropriate to pray for piety, both for myself and for the Christian community - so that we can know God better and glorify him alone.

Fifty Reasons - audiobook

In the lead up to Easter, you might be after some reading material, or perhaps, some listening material.

This month, christianaudio.com are giving away free downloads of the audio version of John Piper's Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die. I read this last year around Easter and found it really helpful to think afresh about all the reasons Jesus came to die for us.

My guess is as an audiobook, each reason would take less than 10 mins to listen to - an easy bite-size chunk when on the bus, in the car or going for a walk.

Getting Real - pt 1

Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls, edited by Melinda Tankard Reist

I heard about this book last year, and waited months for it to arrive - well worth the wait! Although a depressing read, it's key reading for anyone who has anything to do with girls (& boys for that matter) - parents, teachers, church leaders ...

While depressing, it also issues a challenge, especially to those of us who are parents, to not sit idly by and let the prevailing culture (led by media and advertising) dictate who our children imitate, learn from and are influenced by.

The book is a collection of essays, all written by different authors and all addressing different aspects of the sexualisation of girls:

- the risks of premature sexualisation for children
- the psychological and developmental impact of sexualisation on children
- how advertising works on children and it is almost unavoidable
- the 'moral panic' raised by something like the Bill Henson photos in 2008, and the inability to allow proper debate on the issues raised
- the increase in medicalisation of sexualised girls - dealing with contraception, abortion, pregnancy, depression, STDs, etc
- how sex is so trivialised

One thing I found fascinating was the observation made of still advertising - predominantly the depiction of women in advertising is that they are young, thin, white and idle (p67). Next time you see a woman advertising something (especially in still media) ask yourself: is she doing anything? Does she have a job? Care for anyone? Chances are there are no clues - she has no background - she is just enjoying the product on offer, making the statement that "the perfect woman is beautiful, decorative and completely without identity" (p70)


I must admit that reading this book made me want to lock both my son and daughters up with no access to television, advertising, the internet or the outside world until they are 25! What children now have to face, in terms of exposure to pornography, a sexualised culture and society's ideas of how they should look and act (ie. be sexy and act sexy) terrifies me.

However, I do and must remember that God is sovereign. He knows all things and is in control of all things. As parents we need to trust that God loves and cares for our children, even more than we do.

That's not to say however, that we sit idly by and let it be. Next week, I'll make some comments about some areas this book got me thinking about more.

Nicole has also been commenting recently on this book - we often seem to read the same things at the same time! See her introductory comments on it here.

Going the Distance - Chapter 17

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 17 - Summing Up

We have reached the end of Going the Distance! I hope that you have been encouraged, as I have, to be excited about the work of the gospel that we are involved in, but also how to sustain it for the long-haul.

The gospel message is a great treasure and we have chosen to share it with others - it is a joy and a privilege. However, being wise and remembering God's grace will enable us to continue to run the race that Christ has given us.

Self-care is not an excuse for laziness in ministry. Rather, it is a way of making sure that we "live for Christ" for as long as he has work for us to do. There is no virtue ... in burning out before our time, because we failed to take appropriate care of ourselves. Reality demands that we face up to our frailty and mortality. The saying "every day I die a little. The big question is: Am I dying too fast?" helps us address this stark reality with confidence and hope. (p258)

Hopefully, this book has helped you and your husband to consider how to sustain your ministry for as long as God gives you, to His glory and honour.

Resurrection riches

We are looking through Acts in church at the moment. This morning's passage was on Acts 4:32-5:11 - how the church share their possessions, and then how Ananias and Sapphira kept back their possessions by lying.

Chris (the preacher) made a point that really struck me, as he was talking about wealth and generosity:

To be rich is to know that you are going to be resurrected.

Is that how we view true wealth? The promise of what is to come?

So, are you really rich?

Uno

This was one of our Christmas presents for the kids this year - and it has been an absolute winner.

I have very fond memories of playing this in the evenings with my family on holidays in the snowfields in the US when we were children. I was keen to create some of the same memories (perhaps without the snowfields at this stage!).

All three kids love it. Mr  6.75-years loves it and picked it up straight away.  Miss 4.75-years got the hang of it within a few days. And even Miss 2.5 can follow the colours and say 'uno' when she has one card left. It's fun for parents (unlike Snap or Go-Fish) and you can have 2 or up to many players, so its truly a fun family game!

If you have kids the same age as mine - give it a try, you just might have fun too!

Shepherding a Child's Heart

Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp

I have heard many favourable reviews of this book over the years, so was looking forward to reading it.

Here are the things I liked:

• The principle that you have to shepherd a child's heart. The heart is from where all things spring, where attitudes, behavour, speech, etc come from. Therefore, we must be seeking to change their hearts and help align them to God's.

• The insistence that parents are in charge and they need to act like it. God has given parents their job on earth to raise their children and they need to do it well, pro-actively and in line with God's truths.

• That communication is a key to this shepherding. Communication helps children to understand what they do and help us to understand our children. Communication can include encouragement, instruction, entreaty, rebuke, prayer, etc.


• That another key is the appeal to the conscience, especially in later years.

All of these things were helpful and I think, correct.


However, my main problem with the book coloured my whole impression of it. Tripp has a very strong emphasis on the use of the 'rod' as discipline (ie. smacking). He claims that God commands the use of the rod (taking verses from Proverbs), therefore as parents we are obeying God if we are including physical punishment in our discipline and even more strongly, he claims that if we do not use the rod as parents we are actually being disobedient.

My concern with this was mainly theological. I am not at all convinced that the sayings in Proverbs are meant to be taken as commands. They are wise sayings about general truths, but they are not commands, nor are they guarantees. Also, how literally does one take this? He has interpreted using the rod as a smack (or several) on a bare bottom. However, could using the rod mean actually hitting a child with something? Why does he interpret it to be a smack? Could the rod be a term to encompass all discipline measures, not just physical ones? (my decision not to study Hebrew at college lets me down again!)

My other concern is practical. I do not think there is a 'one-size' fits all scenario in discipline. I will say that the care he went to outline the procedure one would take in using 'the rod' did have all the checks and balances in place that one would hope for if punishing children physically, ie. never do it angry, always be in control, tell your children why, ensure they understand, etc. However, I just don't think it's that necessary. I am not anti-smacking, but I am not convinced it is generally that effective.


My other two general concerns are:

• He claims he presents the only God-inspired way to raise children. I am wary of anyone who claims that they alone have managed to interpret God's will for us and his way of doing things, and that virtually every other author on a subject is wrong. It just seems a little over-confident to me.

• There weren't many practical examples. Yes, there were some, but I found it hard to actually see when & how I would implement a number of his suggestions. I understand you want to teach children the things of God, and show them how their hearts would look, but I still found it hard to figure out how some of those things would weave naturally into conversations. Having said that, some of his suggestions I am using already.
  

Anyway, if you have read it, I would love to know what you thought!

Going the Distance - Chapter 16

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 16 - Justification by faith - a truth that works!

If I had to rank any one teaching of Scripture as of primary significance for my own nourishment as a person and a pastor, I would choose 'justification by faith alone'. It was Marin Luther who suggested that justification by faith was the article of a standing or falling church. My own view is that it is also the article of a standing or falling pastor. (p244)

In what areas does the doctrine of justification by grace help us as pastors and pastors' wives?

1. Self-esteem - my worth does not come from my job, position or the esteem of others, but rather, my status as a loved child of God.

2. Failures - "my own worth and value does not depend on my performance", I do not have to do a perfect job to be acceptable to God.

We work not in order to gain salvation or acceptance from God, but because we are already accepted in Christ. (p247)

Failure which has resulted from sin must be repented of. However failure due to mistakes, inadequate support, or sinfulness of others need not be a reason for despair. Failure can be seen as forced growth.

3. Relationships - we can accept people for who they are, rather than having 'performance-based' criteria and expectations. When we accept people for who they are and how God has made them, both encouragement and correction can flow from that relationship.

4. Leads to real work - we stick to the real tasks, seeking only the approval of God and his standards of faithfulness, rather than success.

5. Helps me to think straight - as a human 'being' not a human 'doing'. We will be aware of our relationship with God and our value to him, not assessing ourselves in light of others or our own unrealistic expectations.

6. Helps me to love & value the flock more:

Justification by faith will keep me from either idealizing or, more likely, criticizing or resenting the congregation for its imperfections. Far from finding it surprising that churches will have problems, we should expect it as the norm. God loves sinners. (p254)

Some things to think about:

1. Have you thought about how the doctrine of justification by faith can change your attitude to your ministry?
2. Do you struggle to accept that faithfulness is more important than 'success'? Or, instead, is it of great comfort to you?
3. Do you have a realistic view of the people you minister to - that they are also sinners trying to live by grace?

Next Monday: Chapter 17 - Summing up

Some fun photos

For something lighthearted, click over to the girltalkers blog to see some great photos...

Calvin - Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Knowledge of God and That of Ourselves are Interconnected. How They Are Interrelated.

If you plan to read Calvin, you have to get used to long headings and titles and lots of capitalisation!* But don't let them scare you - let them tell you what he is saying.

Calvin opens his book with this statement:

Nearly all the wisdom we possess... consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. (p35)

He has divided the chapter with three observations:

1. Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God;

from the feeling of our own ignorance, vanity, poverty, infirmity, and - what is more - depravity and corruption, we recognize that the true light of wisdom, sound virtue, full abundance of every good, and purity of righteousness rest in the Lord alone. (p36)

2. Without knowledge of God there is no knowledge of self;

it is certain that man never achieves a clear knowledge of himself unless he has first looked upon God's face, and then descends from contemplating him to scrutinize himself. (p37)

We actually think we are pretty good, until we compare ourselves with the majesty and holiness of God!

Click over to see Cathy's comments on this chapter relating to self-esteem and it's implications.


3. Man before God's majesty

Recall what the saints of the bible did when presented with God's majesty - they were awestruck, terrified and speechless (eg. Isaiah, Moses, Samson's parents - Judges 13:22).

we must infer that man is never sufficiently touched and affected by the awareness of his lowly state until he has compared himself with God's majesty. (p39)

And perhaps if we are not aware of our 'lowly state' - we do not fully comprehend God...


Next time - Chapter 2

* Here's a good one - Book 4, chapter 7 - The Origin and Growth of the Roman Papacy Until It Raised Itself to Such a Height that the Freedom of the Church Was Oppressed, and All Restraint Overthrown !!

Children's Music

Over the last few months, we have acquired a number of new Christian kids CDs. All have been well-received by the kids and by us, so I share them with you!

Starting with God Unlimited, produced by Emu Music - this is a great CD, it is so much fun to listen to. Admittedly it took a few times to draw me in (it was a bit too rocky for me to start with). I know Colin tends to corner the Australian Christian music scene for children, but Emu Music have produced a real winner here. The songs are snappy, fun, and good for kids and adults. This will appeal to slightly older children, my 6 year-old loves it, although the 4 & 2 year-olds are also pretty keen on it. The personal highlight for me is having Rob Smith singing some of the songs, especially his Elvis impersonation on 'Three In One' about the Trinity. Have a listen to the songs at the Emu music site. My kids couldn't understand why I was laughing so much the first time I heard it. 

 The next CD, also an Emu production, is J is for Jesus. This, while liked by my 6-year old, has real appeal to my 4 & 2 year-olds, with the 2 year-old already learning some of the words and phrases. One of the real drawcards of this CD as far as the kids are concerned, is that it features Karen Pang from Playschool. The songs even have a bit of a Play School feel to them. It's got four vocalists, and there is a nice variety of songs covering the bible alphabet, animals, colours, and all facets of a child's life relating them to God and Jesus. It's been another winner in the car. Listen to samples here.

Finally, the new Colin CD - another memory verse one, called Boom Chicka Boom. As fitting with Colin's style, this is fun, has a wide range of music styles and he puts 30 bible verses to music. I could not believe how quickly the kids (esp the 4 & 6 year-olds) learnt all the songs and therefore all the verses. Last year, I tried to teach the kids memory verses using cards stuck on the wall - we were doing one a month. This month, they have learnt (or been reminded of) 30 verses just using this CD! And, so have I!

Going the Distance - Chapter 15

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 15 - Finishing the race

In Acts 20:24, Paul stated "I consider my life nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me". Herein lies the model I choose to follow. I want neither to burn out nor rust out. I want to finish the race. (quoting Berkeley, pg 229, emphasis mine)

This quote, which was also in Chapter 1, again appears in Chapter 15 - and it still resonates just as strongly for me. We want to finish well, to be able to say, with the apostle Paul,

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim 4:7)

What then are some of the things that are key to finishing well?

• we are wise to rest, both the rest of days off and holidays, but also the rest of reflection - time in God's word, prayer, reading, etc. In doing so, we are recognising our dependence on God for all things. One fruit of this is the ability to be unhurried.

• recognising that our work is unfinished, even though we may complete tasks. Part of this is remembering that the work of ministry is like a relay, many are involved and it involves training others to take over. Ultimately, the work is never completed until the church is gathered around Christ in the new heaven and the new earth.

We are not members of some worldly club or special interest group. We are God's people, drawn by the grace of God to Christ, and sustained by the grace of God until that great Day when Christ and his people will be glorified. This hope will sustain us, and give us the nerve to stand firm. (p239)

And, so:

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor 15:58)

Some things to think about:

1. Do you take time to rest and also to reflect in God's word? If not, what is preventing you from doing so?
2. Do you struggle that the 'work' of ministry is never done? What sustains you?

Next Monday: Chapter 16 - Justification by faith - a truth that works!

What about Adelaide?

I found this post by a friend, Arthur, very interesting. He is from Adelaide, but currently studying at Ridley in Melbourne and so has had to opportunity to compare the Christian scene in the two cities (and with Sydney).

Being originally from Sydney, we have loved our move to Adelaide - and have found many of the same things he notes about the Adelaide Christian scene. I particularly like his conclusions:

If you don’t live in Adelaide, Adelaide needs you! Doing ministry in the eastern centres is a luxury compared with Adelaide. Adelaide churches desperately need building up. Adelaideans who have never heard about Jesus need to know him. It’s not going to be easy — but Adelaide is a great place to do ministry, filled with wonderful people and unique opportunities for Christian community. Some of our most trusted ministry friends uprooted themselves from interstate to serve Adelaide with their families. They saw the need — will you? And if you can’t make it — will you pray for our city?

If you do live in Adelaide, be excited! It’s hard knowing how to live for Jesus in Adelaide, like anywhere else, but the church in Adelaide is in a unique place! The Adelaide Christian community has a unity you may not find elsewhere in Australia, and because of that, you have something great to offer as an Australian Christian! You are the greatest resource of the church in Adelaide!

Of course, ministry everywhere is a good thing. But, why not consider Adelaide?!

Religion Saves - part 2 of 2

Well, I can't imagine anyone was waiting with bated breath for the second part of this post (first one here), but for completeness I include it!

Also, I will only include minor comments, because it was so long ago that I finished listening to them, I can't remember much!

Talk 6 - Faith & Works - a good one, helpfully explained the difference between Calvinism and Armenianism at the beginning, and then the application was great - just about the gospel.

Talk 7 - Dating - this one was excellent, similar to talk 1. He laid an appropriate framework for Christian dating, both for singles living at home, still under the care of parents (especially Christian parents) and a framework for older singles who have moved out and are more in charge of their own lives. A lot of what he said here resonated and made sense.

Talk 8 - Emerging Church & Talk 9 - Regulative Principle - both interesting, but I think had more relevance to the American Christian scene than the Australian one.

HOWEVER, the real reason I have included this post, is that my monthly email from christianaudio.com tells me that their free download of this month is the book that came from this sermon series - Religion Saves. Driscoll himself is the narrator - which I think would add to its 'ease of listening'! So, if you feel like listening to the book instead of the sermons, that's another option.

Creating an Intimate Marriage

Creating an Intimate Marriage, Jim Burns (Bethany House, 2006)


This review has been updated after rereading the book in 2020.

Subtitled: Rekindle Romance Through Affection, Warmth and Encouragement, Jim Burns has provided a helpful book for couples which is honest, open and full of examples. He considers how to have a marriage of A.W.E. (affection, warmth and encouragement) and how that will be improved by considering intimacy, communication, fun & friendship, forgiveness and our attitudes.

Each chapter finishes with some questions to ask yourself and some to look at together. This is a helpful book to help look at the whole marriage and how it’s going, which may also help to address some intimacy issues.

He encourages people to individually take responsibility for themselves and be an agent of change in their marriage.

“You set the mood, tone, and atmosphere in your marriage… Without sounding like a dreamer, you can change the atmosphere of your marriage almost immediately with A.W.E. (Affection, Warmth, and Encouragement)." (p38)

It's a decision to make things different:

"Far too many times we don’t intentionally set the thermostat of our relationship to a more positive setting. Instead, we let the temperature fluctuate according to what the other person does or doesn’t do. We react to the stresses of life, and the atmosphere can quickly turn negative." (39)

His argument is that A.W.E. results in contentment, and contentment brings intimacy to relationships. Yet contentment takes practice, you must train in it, for contentment is a learned skill. As he notes, marriage takes work:

"We must suffer one of two pains in our marriage: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The pain of discipline takes you on the road to a healthy marriage, while the pain of regret takes you to a dead end." (p52)

He then turns to consider romance and intimacy. I was surprised this was covered so early. I really think the chapters on forgiveness, communication, fun and friendship should all have come prior.

However, his observations were helpful.

"Sex is not about an event; it is about creating a positive, romantic, healthy, sexually intimate environment... My experience tells me that if a couple is not growing together physically and emotionally, then they are probably growing apart. (55-56)

Two chapters on communication extensively use Gottman's material, both the challenges of communication and recognising unsolvable problems. He had good advice for better communication - empathy, listening, expressing expectations, etc.

The chapter on fun and friendship is a helpful reminder not to let things become stale and boring - make sure you keep having fun together: "Friendship and fun in a marriage are two of the biggest predictors of long-term marital satisfaction" (103)

He notes how important our attitude is. We need to stop complaining (we often speak more rudely and complain more to our spouses than complete strangers), show gratitude, choose fun and optimism, and so on. He finishes with growing together in spiritually intimacy and remembering your vows.

This is a solid book with steady advice. It's not the best book available, but it's helpful, honest and many couples will benefit from applying the wisdom contained within.

Going the Distance - Chapters 13 & 14

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Depending on the structure of your church and denomination, these two chapters will be applied differently. However, the principles in each are sound and worth taking note of to see how they apply in your particular circumstance.

Chapter 13: A word for local church leaders

Local church leaders can be a source of great encouragement or of despair for pastors. (p202)

Brain starts by listing the characteristics church leaders should have: they must be converted, trusting in Christ daily, have a heart to see the lost saved, be in a personal relationship with their saviour, growing in godliness, etc.

Practically, there are a number of ways that local church leaders can greatly strengthen a pastors' ministry and encourage him in the process. These include:

• attending to the physical aspects of ministry - ministers need adequate pay, housing, study facilities & resources. If these are provided with a willing and generous spirit, the pastor can be greatly encouraged. Reviews of these things can often pick up areas where more attention or resourcing is needed.
• giving permission to attend to self-care - encouraging the pastor to take his day-off, have family holidays, to attend conferences and training, do exercise, etc all show support for his entire person and well-being.
• planning together and establishing priorities for both pastors and churches
• praying for and with their pastors
• dealing with perfectionist expectations of both the pastors and the congregation
• participation. I think this is something that is becoming more and more valued. As 'regular' church members now often only attend 1 in 2 weeks (if that), the commitment to regular weekly attendance speaks volumes to the pastor.

Chapter 14 - A word for denominational leaders

Local church ministry is surely the most strategic and difficult ministry around. It is a noble task. But given the multiple responsibilities of a typical one-pastor church, the nobility of the task can be lost, clouded over by the multiplicity of tasks and expectations. The denominational leader is uniquely placed to affirm pastors by consistently affirming their work. (p219)

How can denominational leaders encourage and affirm their pastors?

• recognise the primary of the local church. The local church is where people are fed, converted, and sent out to the community. Denominational structures do not do this and denomination leaders would benefit from remembering it.
• realise that pastors can be torn between meeting demands or requirements of the denomination and those of the congregation or local church leadership
• to affirm them - remember them, make a phone call, send a card, remember their name at denominational events, spend time with them in their church setting, give them time.
• ensure they are adequately resourced & remunerated
• give particular attention to pastors of small congregations (remembering that 75% of churches have less than 80 members)
• provide opportunities for development, especially feeding them on God's word, rather than new programmes or structures
• allow fair hearing for disputes

Again, chapters like these (and the previous one) can lead to great thanks for the situation you are in or alternatively, discouragement. As we are unlikely to be the ones who change a poor situation, I suspect we need to consider our role of encouraging our husbands both in their ministry and their own godliness, and watching our own godliness as well.

Do you have any ideas or suggestions for those who have conflict with church or denominational leaders? And how as wives we can be supportive of our husbands in such situations?

Next week: Chapter 15 - Finishing the race

An Echo in the Bone

Some readers may recall my great fondness for author Diana Gabaldon and her Outlander Series, which I have written about here and here.

One of the highlights of my holiday reading was the 7th in the series, An Echo in the Bone. I saved it to the end, after reading all of the Millennium Trilogy, sort of like the special dessert that you know is coming, but you don't want to start it, because then you will finish it. Am I the only one who thinks this way about books? I was the same when the 5th of the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean Auel (brief review here) was released in 2002, I almost stopped reading it when there were 50 pages left because I did not want it to end!

The story of the lives of Jamie and Claire continues in this book in 18th C America and Scotland. At the same time, a parallel story is occurring in modern day Scotland. I won't give too much away, because if you want to read a great series - go and get the 1st book Outlander, and start there. I have recently been re-listening to all her podcasts, found via her website. They include interesting information about the way she writes, which I find fascinating because her brain works so differently to mine. But I also really like the way she explains what she set out to do with the series. She wanted to write about an entire marriage, not just a relationship at a point. So far the series has covered close to 30 years, and that's part of what I love about it - the main characters are still in love, still married, growing older and experiencing and joys and frustrations of life together.

A warning though - this one ends at a point that is quite unfinished - and now I have to wait 2-3 years for #8 (which is likely to be the last one). So, if you are interested in starting this series, pace yourself, so you don't have as long to wait as I do!

Marriage and intimacy - a question

If you are married, you may have read yesterday's post reviewing a number of books on intimacy in marriage.

I have a question - for those who are married and also for those who often talk to couples about their these things, either in marriage preparation or after marriage.

Do you think couples should be given more information about intimacy or less prior to the wedding and in the first few years?

My thoughts, random as they are, are as follows:

On the side of more information:

• the more informed a couple are about how their and their spouse's body is likely to work, the less surprises in store
• if couples are very inexperienced physically, the realities of sex can be a little overwhelming, and not always in a positive way
• when problems arise, books are a great resource and detailed books which give suggestions as well as assurances that all is OK can be of great help and comfort, especially if the couple are unwilling to talk with others (which is sad but not surprising)
  

On the side of less information:

• it's the surprises and the discoveries about each other that can make the first years of intimacy so much fun
• the less information, the less you expect yourself or your spouse to fit in with an 'expected pattern'
• it can be more fun to discover fun new things about each other on your own. For example, Sheet Music, which I reviewed yesterday, has some great suggestions for adding some fun and excitement into the bedroom when things may be a little stale. From our experience I would say we discovered almost all of these things ourselves with just a little thought, creativity and willingness over the last 10 years. It was nice to discover things ourselves, rather than rely on a book for ideas.
  

I ask this question because I sometimes wonder what we should do with pre-marriage couples:

• should we give them a book with more information (eg. Sheet Music), but strongly suggest they only read certain chapters prior to marriage and save the rest for later (and would you have been able to do that?)
• or, do we give them a book with a bit with more basic information (eg. One Flesh), saving the more detailed book recommendations for a bit later down the track, which could risk the first couple of months or year being less enjoyable than it could be.

In the end, we keep telling couples that intimacy in marriage needs attention, and when time and energy is put in (which really, can be a fun project!), it just keeps getting better.

So, what do you think?

Marriage and intimacy

Please note: this post has beeen updated and a newer version can be found here.

We are finding that because we talk to a lot of couples, we are often talking with them about the intimate parts of their marriage. We wanted to read a bit more on the topic and prepare a list to recommend. So, I was the one who stood in the 'relationships' (codeword: sex) section in Koorong browsing what was on offer, and who has since been doing some serious speed reading!

After reading a few, here are the ones we now recommend (obviously this list is only recommended reading for marrieds, or those who are engaged and close to the wedding day!):


One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond, Amelia & Greg Clarke

Actually, this one we have already been recommending for some time. This Christian book is written by a couple in Sydney, and the wife is a doctor specialising in sexual health. It’s a helpful introductory book to sex and some of the issues surrounding it. This has previously been our recommended ‘first book to read’ for couples who are marrying and thinking about their sexual relationship. It’s good to read prior to marriage (although only in the month or so before the wedding) and again a few months later.




Sheet Music, Dr Kevin Leman

This very good book is now our recommended ‘first book to read’. It is Christian, honest, fun and practical. It is as good as A Celebration of Sex (see below), but the emphasis is slightly more on how sex works, especially in the beginning and some good ideas for continuing in sexual intimacy and dealing with common issues which couples face. This would be a great book to read after marriage (and parts of it prior to marriage). Especially worth reading if a couple wants a few ideas on how to improve the intimate side of things. This is a great book which will give help throughout marriage.




A Celebration of Sex, Dr Douglas E. Rosenau

Subtitled: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy, this is a detailed and helpful book written by a Christian sex therapist. He leads couples through many areas encouraging them to grow in: playfulness, love, knowledge, honesty, forgiveness, creative romance and discipline. With the basic premise that: an intimate marriage + mature lovers = a fulfilling sex life, he works through all topics with a Christian mind set.

The book covers numerous topics including the basic aspects of many parts of a sexual marriage; massage; mutual touch; common problems or struggles for men and women; sex through pregnancy, children, in the older years and with illness or disability; and the impact of medications. This book could certainly become the reference for the entirety of an intimate marriage.


The Way to Love your Wife, Clifford & Joyce Penner

Subtitled: Creating Greater Love and Passion in the Bedroom, this book written for men talks about how to make sex meaningful for their wife; how to build desire and intimacy and how to let the wife ‘lead’ in the bedroom. It has some practical chapters on what the various issues could be which create problems for intimacy, as well as suggestions for making sex more fun and enjoyable for both. There are a couple of helpful chapters which deal with the risk of affairs and how to avoid them, and also the risks posed by the internet and pornography, and sexual addiction. Again, this is written from a Christian perspective, although not as overtly as A Celebration of Sex (above).


Creating an Intimate Marriage, Jim Burns

Subtitled: Rekindle Romance Through Affection, Warmth and Encouragement, Jim Burns has provided a helpful book for couples which is honest, open and full of examples. He deals with the ways to have a marriage of affection, warmth and encouragement, by looking at intimacy, communication, fun & friendship, forgiveness & our attitude. Each chapter finishes with some questions to ask yourself and some to look at together. This is a helpful one to look at the whole marriage and how it’s going, which may also help to address some intimacy issues. I am going to review this book in a little more detail next week.


365 Nights. Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe
This book, written as a diary, gives a different insight into the life of one married couple. It the story of how one woman offered her husband (as his 40th birthday present) sex every day for a year, and what resulted from the offer. It is a thought-provoking and insightful look at marriage, parenting, the role of women and a number of other topics. It issues a challenge (especially to women) not to settle for or allow their marriages to become 'un-intimate'. This is a funny and honest book that is enjoyable to read. I have reviewed it previously here.




So, if you are married - get reading! There will definitely be positive benefits for your marriage.


And please, come back tomorrow because I want to ask readers a question about this topic...

Going the Distance - Chapter 12

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 12 - A word for local church members

This is a helpful chapter and I have skipped over the first part, but I will include his list of 10 tips for church members who want to help their clergy:

1. Keep your minister focused on gospel work (rather than building projects, counselling, administration, etc)
2. Keep your minister devoted - encourage him in his bible reading and prayer
3. Keep your minister resourced
4. Help your minister to stay empowered - respect his authority
5. Help your minster to be a visionary
6. Keep your minister from isolation - be a friend, or allow others to be
7. Help your minister to be physically fit
8. Keep your minister financially secure
9. Keep your minister a happy 'family man' - respect the family, their privacy, their day off etc.
10. Keep your minister confident

I imagine there are some of this reading this chapter wishing they could photocopy it and hand it to a few church members for their personal reading. It could be hard for ministers (& their wives) reading this, wondering if they will ever have such support. Others may realise again how grateful they are for the people of God they are surrounded by.

Some things to think about:

1. Have you thanked those congregation members who are supportive and encouraging of your ministry?
2. Do you feel resentment towards congregation members about the way they have treated you or your husband? Do you need to repent?
3. How can you, as a wife, support your husband when they feel unsupported by their congregation?
4. How can we, as ministry wives also show support/appreciation/thanks for others on the ministry team?

Next week: Chapters 13 and14

Millennium Trilogy

As you know, we were recently on holidays, which are my designated fiction reading time of the year. I was very happy to have lots to read - and it was all good.

The first books I read were the Millennium Trilogy, by Stieg Larsson.

Starting obviously with book 1 - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo:

Disgraced journalist Mikael Blomqvist is hired by Henrik Vanger to investigate the disappearance of Vanger’s great-niece Harriet. Henrik suspects that someone in his family, the powerful Vanger clan, murdered Harriet over forty years ago.

Starting his investigation, Mikael realizes that Harriet’s disappearance is not a single event, but rather linked to series of gruesome murders in the past. He now crosses paths with Lisbeth Salander, a young computer hacker, an asocial punk and most importantly, a young woman driven by her vindictiveness.

Together they form an unlikely couple as they dive deeper into the violent past of the secretive Vanger family. (from the Steig Larsson website)

This first book is relatively self-contained, you could easily stop after reading it. However, if you are hooked like I was, you will quickly want to move on to book 2 (The Girl who Played with Fire) & 3 (The Girl who Kicked the Hornets' Nest). However, a warning - if you read #2, you will want to immediately pick up #3 to see what happens, so make sure you have enough time to read both!

All three are gripping mystery/thrillers, with clever and original story lines that draw you right in. All three have been very well-received by reviewers and I agree with them - they are great reading. They do have some very unpleasant and violent scenes, but more often the violence is hinted at, rather than actually expressed.

It is very sad that the author died suddenly of a heart attack just after giving them to a publisher - he never got to see the success that they have become, and we will not get any more of his writing.

The Calvin Club

Introduction and Letter to King Francis

Following Cathy's plan, I have read all the introductory material and the Letter to the King.

Cathy has given an excellent explanation of why we would even want to read the Institutes and some of the history surrounding them.

As for me, I will include some of the quotes that struck me. The first few are from the Introduction, which I am assuming is written by the editor (John T. McNeill). He opens:

The celebrated treatise here presented in a new English translation holds a place in the short list of books that have notably affected the course of history, molding the beliefs and behavior of generations of mankind. Perhaps no other theological work has so consistently retained for four centuries a place on the reading list of studious Christians... It has been assailed as preventing a harsh, austere, intolerant Christianity and so perverting the gospel of Christ, and it has been admired and defended as an incomparable exposition of Scriptural truth and a bulwark of evangelical faith. (p. xxix)*

As for a comment about Calvin the man, he says:

He was not ...a theologian by profession, but a deeply religious man who possessed a genius for orderly thinking and obeyed the impulse to write out the implications of his faith. (p. li)

Calvin, in his own words to the reader in 1559, says this:

it has been my purpose in this labor to prepare and instruct candidates in sacred theology for the reading of the divine Word, in order that they may be able both to have easy access to it and embrace it without stumbling. For I believe I have arranged the sum of religion in all its parts, and have arranged it in such an order, that if anyone rightly grasps it, it will not be difficult for him to determine what he ought especially to seek in Scripture, and to what end he ought to relate is contents. (p4)

Cathy has helpfully posted about why we would want to read such a summary of Christian doctrine, as well as reading our bibles ourselves.

If you want to join us, there is still time. You could skip the whole introduction if you wanted and even the letter to the king and start at book 1, chapter 1. Each chapter is only a few pages long - easy to tackle in one sitting! Join us as we think more about what we believe...




* It is quite possible my page numbers will not line up with Cathy's, while I think we are using the same translation with the same editor, I suspect mine might be an older print, published in MCMLX (1960)

Back to school

This is an edited re-post from this time last year. I have included comments on how we did in 2009!

My son starts school again today, in Year 2, which has prompted me to think about how we will be involved this year. As with all things we need to make wise decisions about the amount of time we can give to the school. If we stay in this area, we will be a part of this school for 12 years, so I feel it is the main thing in the community that we can be involved in for the long term.

Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Try to get to know his teacher well.

This was a wonderful blessing in the last few years - his teachers have been lovely and I felt we were 'on the same page' when dealing with Mr 6 and any issues that arose. I knew she cared about him and how he was going, and (I presume) she knew that I was on her side and supportive of what she was doing in the classroom. I also tried to get to know her as a person, about her family, etc, so that not every conversation we had was about my child. This could obviously be harder with another teacher with a different outlook or personality, but that is my goal.

Another good teacher in 2009, so it worked well. All bodes well for this year too!

2. Figure out how to be involved in the school community

This is a tricky one, considering we still have 2 littler ones at home. Reading in class is not easy, and I would have to give up precious time on my free Thursdays to do this without the girls with me. I will have to think about this one.

A friend of mine (with 3 children at school this year and 3 at home) had a great idea on this one. She approached the school and said that she wanted to be involved, but could not be at the school while she did so - she ended up covering new books for the library at home.

We are also considering whether it is possible for Husband to go on school council or something like that.

Husband did go on school council, which was great. We are still considering whether he will do it again this year. He did struggle to get to all the meetings, as his calendar is as fixed and rigid as the school's is!

3. Get to know the children in his class

This was the main benefit of going into the class for reading for a term last year -I met almost all the children and they all knew I was Mr 6's mum. I knew the children who M would speak of and I was able to understand some of the class dynamics a little more. I could encourage certain friendships and also see which children might be a good idea for us to get to know better.

Thankfully after 2 years at school, I know most of the kids that Mr 6 has already been in a class with, so this gets easier each year.


4. Get to know the parents and families of the children in his class

It took me until halfway through last year to realise that I probably only saw the parents of about half the children in the class - some came from and went to Out of Hours care, some were dropped off by parents never entering the school, and some probably walked on their own.

I am also started to realise just how many mothers also work, at least part-time, so even organising something during the day is difficult.

In 2008, we hosted a coffee and dessert evening for the parents of the children in his class, and while not many came, it was a good time of chatting and getting to know a few people better. We will certainly hope to do that again this year.

A group of parents organised a class picnic in 2009, which was poorly attended. I am planning to invite parents over for morning tea this Friday - a early attempt to form relationships!
Our school has a lot of immigrant families, who do not seem to be openly welcomed by the Australian parents. I think this is an area where we could try to be different and seek to get to know those families. It was only towards the end of the year that I realised how lonely some of these women are, they are here for their husband's study or work, they do not have work visas and they are looking after children in a foreign country all on their own.

There were no immigrant families attached to his class last year, I will wait and see for this year.


5. Continue the prayer group that we started last year

I am hoping that the 4 of us (school mothers) who started a prayer group last year will continue meeting to pray specifically for the principal, council, teachers, students and parents.

We did keep meeting, but I struggled to organise it and people struggled to get there. Thankfully at the end of last year, another mum was willing to organise it, so I hope we will continue again this year.

**

Those are my thoughts so far, I will have to come back and review again in 2011 to see how the year worked out in the end! By then Miss 4 will also be at school, so life will look different again.


Photo from stockxchng.

The Calvin Club

Have you ever read Calvin's Institutes?

Maybe you are like me and had them as required reading through bible college. However, if you are also like me, at the time you felt that the definition of reading constituted your eyes scanning each word on the page (whether or not they made sense in your brain!) Or you are also like me, and 7 years and 3 children later, you have no recollection of anything, except perhaps some of the more colourful language that Calvin used which made reading him that little bit more fun!

Or you may be more like Meredith, who wants to give Calvin a go, even though she is thinking she might find the doctrine a little hard-going (I think you'll love it Meredith!)

Whoever, you are, if you are a Christian, thinking about the core beliefs of our faith should be something we all strive to do.

To that end, why not join Cathy and her Calvin club. She is planning to co-ordinate a slow reading (over a few years) of Calvin's Institutes. I am thrilled. I have been toying with reading them again for some years, knowing I never really got that much out of them at college and had pretty much decided that this year was the year. Then, other bloggers alerted me to Cathy and her Club and I have joined in with excitement.

She is planning to get through Book 1 (of 4) this year, starting with just the introductory comments and the letter to the king in January. You have heaps of time to get on board. Go over to her explanation of which preferred version/translation to get, and consider joining the Calvin club!

I will be commenting on Cathy's site as well as doing some of my own posts of things that strike me as I read along. You can always link to Cathy's HQ by clicking on the Calvin club graphic over on the right column -->

Going the Distance - Chapter 10 & 11

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 10 - Principles and strategies of self-care, and
Chapter 11 - Where the rubber hits the road - a maintenance plan

Now, Brain gets down to the planning stages of self-care.

In Chapter 10, he looks both at the example of Jesus and other clergy in thinking through some elements of self-care. These include:

• taking a day of rest
• partnering with others in ministry - sharing both the joys and the burdens
• being realistic about people - some will reject the message of the gospel
• rejoicing that your names are written in heaven - comparison with others is neither helpful nor necessary
• remembering it is God's work - he is in control
• taking time for study and reflection
• taking time for prayer
• having hobbies and other interests
• taking time with wife and family
• doing physical exercise
• taking regular holidays
• managing careful use of the diary

Then in chapter 11, he puts forward some ideas to actually put a maintenance plan in place:

1. Plan to work. That is what a pastor does, he works. Plan how you work, when you work and what you are working on.
2. Plan to plan. Take time to plan all that you do. Plan the year's sermon topics in advance, plan the month's meetings, plan the week's times of preparation and pastoring, etc. Time spent in planning, both for the short-term (the day) and the longer term (the year/s) will reap great benefits and save time, in the end.
3. Plan to rest. Plan rest time into the year, month, week and day. Account for sleep and exercise. Allow time for family and spouse which they can trust will be uninterrupted.
4. Plan to study. This will include personal study (to meet own spiritual needs), preparation study (for teaching and leadership responsibilities), and professional study (eg. conferences)
5. Plan to be a spouse and parent. If needed, schedule time for these relationships.
6. Plan to remain humble. Helpfully expressed as "don't whine, don't shine, don't recline" (p178)
7. Plan to be accountable. With spouse and church leadership.

Brain then includes an actual sample maintenance contract to plan, including things to consider in each of these 7 areas.

I think these chapters are helpful at drawing together all of the threads that Brain has discussed up to this point. I suspect many pastors would benefit from planning more aspects of their work, study, rest, etc. I also suspect many pastor's wives would appreciate time given to planning these things, so that expectations are more often met by reality.


Some things to think about:

1. Which of the principles and strategies of self-care from chapter 10 do you find easy to do? Which do you find harder? Which need your attention at the moment?
2. In terms of the maintenance plan on chapter 11 - are you (or your husband) this organised? Are you willing to try to be?
3. How much of the plan do you already do? Which areas do you neglect?

Next Monday: Chapter 12- words for local church members

Going the Distance - Chapter 9

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 9: Friendship

Since we are made in the image of the triune God, it is little wonder that we long for and thrive on committed friendships. Relationships matter to all people, pastors are no exception. Whether we are married or single, we grow through our friendships. As we give and receive in friendships, we find growth. (p144)

Pastors, while needing friends, often find themselves without them. This can be for many reasons: a perception on behalf on others that pastors do not need friends, or instead having put them on a pedestal; sometimes pastors themselves see themselves as separate from the congregations and view special friendships within a congregation as unwise or unhealthy.

Brain notes that:

• pastors need friends
• the pastor cannot be a friend to everyone
• those who form friendships to the pastor are exercising a ministry to him on behalf on the congregation; and
• there are different levels of friendship, and all members of a congregations can engage in friendship at one level or another.

Brain (using MacDonald) presents 6 kinds of friends the pastor needs:

• the sponsor (or mentor/discipler)
• the affirmer - the person who can quietly express genuine appreciation for what the pastor has done
• the rebuker - "we all need truth-tellers, even if we don't really want them" (p149)
• the intercessor - any congregation member can be a support to their pastor through prayer. As pastors and their families, perhaps some of us need to be better as communicating prayer points to our congregations?
• the partner - fellow workers. These will be harder to find in parishes where the pastor is the only minister, "the one-man band".
• the pastor - the one who will come along side us when times are hard, to pray, support and encourage.

Brain then spends more time thinking about mentoring. There are some very helpful points in these pages. He talks about how mentoring relationships will: affirm, be available, be open, pray, be confidential, be sensitive and be accountable. He also lists some helpful questions to ask one another.

I suspect many pastors find themselves being mentors for a number of people in different ways, but are rarely mentored to. It takes humility and a willingness to be honest and open in order to seek out a mentor. In some denominations, the structure itself (eg. the diocese) can provide the opportunities for such a mentoring relationship (eg. with bishops, elders, etc). However, all to often this does not happen in reality. Pastors and their wives should be willing to search for appropriate mentors for all stages of their life and ministry. At the same time, they should also be willing to take on a mentoring role for those who are younger and less experienced than them.

Brain finishes the chapter with these words:

I thank God for my friends. I'm sad that I've not always made time to build friendships. But I am convinced that they are essential to my growth as a person, as a Christian and especially in my work as a pastor. (p158)

Some things to think about:

1. Do you struggle to have friendships in ministry? Why?
2. Thinking about the roles of friends listed above (affirmer, rebuker, etc) - do you have anyone who fills these roles for you?
3. Are you being mentored be anyone? Can you seek out someone to be a mentor to you? Can you think of anyone who you might like to mentor?

Next Monday: Chapter 10 - Principles and strategies of self-care &;
Chapter 11 - Where the rubber hits the road - a maintenance plan

Going the Distance - Chapter 8

This series was originally posted on In Tandem, a blog for ministry wives. 

Chapter 8: Sexual temptation in the ministry

"The two greatest dangers for a missionary and pastor are sex and money" (p124)

There are great dangers when the pastor sins sexually. They will almost certainly lose their job or at least their credibility, they have failed to live up to their ordination vow, they leave the faithful disillusioned and can confirm scepticism of critics.

It can be helpful for many to realise that they are not alone in facing sexual temptation. We must be realistic about our own vulnerability in this area, not assuming we are beyond being tempted ourselves. At the same time, only a right view of God and his word can help us to not act on the temptations we face.

Some points that Brain makes are:

• God understands the problem and addresses it (eg 1 Thess 4:1-10)

• Those pastors who are arrogant, alone or addicted to their work are more likely to succumb to temptation. The arrogant pastor thinks they cannot fall, needs affirmation and can seek intimacy elsewhere. The pastor who is alone may need help to develop friendships. Those pastors who are addicted to work often have a poor home life, because of the lack of attention given at home, so they may invest energy in people who respond emotionally.

• We need to be realistic about the temptations:

It is important for pastors to consider the possibility that there may be one or two occasions during their ministry when a person may come along for who they would surrender all; even their faith, family and work. This is a hard concept, but I suspect it has real validity. It really says more about the nature of our humanity, and the peculiar temptations of pastoral ministry, than about the sexual make-up of pastors. (p132)

• As wives we can be helpful in this area. We can pick up signals that our husbands may not be seeing clearly. We can also be helping in setting boundaries and being willing to talk about this with our husbands.

• Pastors need to realise that often the attraction of others is to their role, not to them as a person. Pastors can be idealized, they listen and are available to talk - but it's because of the job, not the person.

• There are also risks in counselling relationships, as one can become attracted to their kind, attentive counselor. As many churches now employ both men and women in pastoral roles, one would hope that these risks are diminished as women counsel women and men counsel men.

• For those who are single, close, caring & trusted friends can have a special role, both in accountability but also for companionship.

I suspect that for those reading this chapter, we can fall into a number of categories:

1. Those who have not really thought much about sexual temptation yet, because it has not been an issue.
2. Those for whom this is a painful reminder of our husband's or our own struggles in this area.
3. Those for whom this is a sad reminder of others in ministry who have fallen to sexual temptation.

It will be hard for many of us to read this chapter without having specific people or incidents in mind.

Thinking particularly as wives, what are some things we can be thinking about?

• Do we talk with our husbands about issues of sexual temptation - either for them or us? Thay are hard conversations to have, but in striving to keep honesty and openness in marriage, it is worth doing so.
• Do we help our husbands to keep all things pure, including perception? Does your husband ever meet with women on his own in private spaces? Could you change things so that he meets with women in your home while you are there? Or in more public places?
• Are we also striving to be pure in all things? Are we ensuring that we are not thinking about other men unhelpfully, comparing them to our husbands?

Some more things to think about:

1. How did you feel reading this chapter? Is it hard for you to imagine, or alternatively, too easy to picture?
2. Have you and your husband talked about how you would share if you have feelings for someone else?
3. Do you feel able to bring up concerns you have about the level of contact between him and someone else?

Next Monday: Chapter 9 - Friendship